The Road Ahead—by Jamie Levine
The rest of my week was rife with other emotions—surrounding my relationship with Library Guy, of course. The happiness and strong sense of security I’d garnered after spending a wonderful weekend with him was marred in the middle of the week by my first interaction with his ex. While the experience itself was brief and rather uneventful for me, the repercussions were significant. Library Guy and his ex harbor extreme hostility towards each other, and in addition to being manipulative and controlling, his ex is also rather unstable. In short, she didn’t know about my existence—and went into an uncontrollable rage after meeting me, sending Library Guy’s life into a tailspin.
I don’t want to delve into the details of Library Guy’s past relationship—or the issues he still has surrounding it—but I will say that this whole incident has spurred a few problems between us. Most especially, it’s shown me how quickly my sense of intimacy with Library Guy can turn into feelings of disconnection, and how impossible that is for me to handle. And it’s made me think a lot about what I want from a relationship—and what I need in my life. I need some consistency. Bumps in the road are certainly acceptable, but huge hills and valleys are not.
When I look ahead to everything that’s looming before me, my future does feel a bit unstable. And I need to add as much stability to it as I can—especially when it comes to a relationship. And sometimes I get uncertain about this one. But because the positives outweigh the negatives—both with my grad school program and my current love life—I’m willing to do some work to make things work. I’m strong, I’m determined, and I truly believe that everything will turn out the way that it should. It's all a matter of time.