Jekyll-Hyde Child by Robin Gorman Newman
Don't get me wrong. I love my son. There are days I can't get enough of him. And, then there are days like today, when I can't wait for him to go to sleep. Amazing how angelic he looks cozied up wth his countless stuffed animals, arms outstretched over his head...the way I often sleep....as my husband notes. I want to scoop him up and give him a huge hug and hold on forever.
Then, I think back to the day's events, and I question my expectations of motherhood. Yes I wanted to be one, of that I'm sure. But it's just so incredibly hard that I honestly wonder what I was thinking. What did I anticipate it would be like? I don't think you can really know until you're in it. I think back to my life before Seth, and it sure was easier. But, then I try to envision what my home and heart would feel like without him, and I know there would be a void.
Despite my love for him, he at times never ceases to amaze me. And, I don't mean in a good way (though certainly at times in a good way.)
I'm writing this blog on Tuesday....so it's early in the week, yet it's already been a frustrating one. At the risk of boring you, I won't detail every frustration. But, I will share that Seth's misplaced his wallet which had a decent amount of allowance money in it, not to mention gift cards he's received for his birthday. He swore it was in my car, which was not the case. So, the reality is he has no idea where it is, nor do I. And, I'm trying hard not to let it fester in my mind. He's certainly not losing any sleep over its disappearance.
Then, this afternoon, he came home from school, and was in his usual anti-homework mood, though even worse. He claimed he misplaced one sheet of his homework. And, as I implored him to tell me the truth stating that I wouldn't get mad...he continued to insist that he had no clue what happened to it.
In the evening, I decided to clean the bird cage for our cockatiel, and as I went to replace the paper on the bottom, I found the homework sheet lining the bottom of the cage under the soiled newspaper I discarded. I couldn't believe my eyes. And, even as Marc and I confronted Seth while he took a bath, he continued to stick by his story of complete denial.
We then took away television and computer privileges, and I stormed out of the bathroom in disgust.
It's amazing how much you can love someone yet resent them at the same time. Amazing how at times he can make me laugh like no one else and in the same breath, I want to spank him (which I would never do). When he comes to sit in my lap and plants a wet kiss on me, there is nothing like it, but those moments are so fleeting. And, so much of parenting is work and frustration.
I'd like to say I wouldn't trade it, but there are days when it feels tempting.
Tomorrow is another day.