Sunday, October 17, 2010
I live with a sadness that I just cannot explain. After years of therapy, energy work and just plain hard work, this seeker has found so much, and yet cannot explain or expunge the sadness.
My newest incantation is shaman work for which I work with and practice fairly regularly. I’m into energy, now. I’ve had more than enough years of talking.
And, yet, on this primal level, I’m just so sad.
We’re trying to work with it. Instead of triggering more sad, I’m just trying to acknowledge it. But, here’s where it just popped up its ugly head: My baby, my youngest son, has just lost his first baby tooth. It is a moment to remember. He was so pleased with himself. I’m so pleased with being a Mommy. And, I’m sad.
I cried when he screamed with pride. I don’t know if sadness becomes endemic to midlife mommyhood. As I often say, the moments are only here and now. For us, this is it. Hopes cannot be pinned to number of years left to live. There are many women who are younger than us who have lost their lives before their time. For us, our time is now.
I think, for me, it’s a sadness in remembering that I did not enjoy my childhood. These moments were often filled with dread and pain. My children teach me everyday that life is meant to be savored; that life is meant to enjoy, and that growing up and older is a blessing, not (as it felt in my case) to be lived as a curse.
Now, back to my son. After screaming for one minute and calling every person he knew to inform them of this news, the moment passed. And, then he began playing with a friend. This is just it: a moment has passed. Now, it’s time to get back to my work.