The Missing Tooth and Other Sadnesses by Cyma Shapiro

I live with a sadness that I just cannot explain. After years of therapy, energy work and just plain hard work, this seeker has found so much, and yet cannot explain or expunge the sadness.

My newest incantation is shaman work for which I work with and practice fairly regularly. I’m into energy, now. I’ve had more than enough years of talking.

And, yet, on this primal level, I’m just so sad.

We’re trying to work with it. Instead of triggering more sad, I’m just trying to acknowledge it. But, here’s where it just popped up its ugly head: My baby, my youngest son, has just lost his first baby tooth. It is a moment to remember. He was so pleased with himself. I’m so pleased with being a Mommy. And, I’m sad.

I cried when he screamed with pride. I don’t know if sadness becomes endemic to midlife mommyhood. As I often say, the moments are only here and now. For us, this is it. Hopes cannot be pinned to number of years left to live. There are many women who are younger than us who have lost their lives before their time. For us, our time is now. 

I think, for me, it’s a sadness in remembering that I did not enjoy my childhood. These moments were often filled with dread and pain. My children teach me everyday that life is meant to be savored; that life is meant to enjoy, and that growing up and older is a blessing, not (as it felt in my case) to be lived as a curse.

Now, back to my son.  After screaming for one minute and calling every person he knew to inform them of this news, the moment passed. And, then he began playing with a friend. This is just it: a moment has passed.  Now, it’s time to get back to my work.

If I Wanted to be a Single Mom... - by Cara

I’m having a hard time thinking of how I would complete that sentence. I have been finding myself playing the role of “married, single Mom” now more and more.

I adore my son...I would give up my life for him. I truly put my own needs aside to meet his. But when my husband and I discussed having a child, we knew that there might be some complications both during pregnancy and afterwards. I have a chronic pain condition that rears it’s ugly head every so often. I felt confident that I would have a partner who would be able to chip in when I wasn’t feeling my best. And through the years I accumulated more medical conditions. But still, I felt that I had someone to help “carry the load,” especially with the addition of two dogs.

But now I feel completely drained. It could be my hypothyroidism, but I don’t think it is. I am drained of being the resource for a very needy child. My son needs his “emotional tank” filled to the brim every day. I am drained of his continuous high energy, and schlepping him from place to place to burn off that energy.

I am drained of two wonderful dogs that are a real part of our family. But their needs are rising as they are getting on in age. And two fish that are relatively maintenance free, but do need to be fed and have their tanks cleaned regularly.

I no longer have that partner who made a promise to me that he would be there for me if raising a child were too much for me to handle on certain days. I feel cheated. And at the same time I admire all of the amazing single Moms who willingly chose to become single Moms. My best friend is a single Mom. She always sounds frazzled. She also schleps her son from one activity to another. And she also has an aging dog. I continually wonder how she does it. She DOES have her parents to chip in when she needs a break. And a slew of close friends who are more than willing to watch her son when she needs time for herself. I have none of that. Which makes me even more resentful that my husband is bailing out of his promise to me.

So I have to ask myself: If I wanted to voluntarily be a Single Mom, under my same medical circumstances and lack of resources to help out when I need a break, would I still want to be a one? I honestly don’t know. I can’t imagine life without my son. But I feel as if I am getting older exponentially at the same time.

My son is getting more mature and is taking on more responsibility. In a few years, he won’t want to even acknowledge that I even exist! And I desperately want to see him mature into an adult. But right now he is so sensitive that he needs to know my every move, my every step. I guess instead of wondering, “what if,” I should slow down and try to capture each small moment with him.

He lost his third baby tooth a few days ago. And since my husband was on a business trip, I thought that the excitement of losing his tooth (at the Bronx Zoo of all places!) would be diminished without his father here. It wasn’t. At all. He squealed with excitement at what the Tooth Fairy brought him. His Tooth Fairy is named Nute and is a Surfer Dude. We sent an e-mail to Nute, apprising him of the situation! And that whole night was filled with excitement, even as drained as I was from the day!

I guess I can now assuredly place an ending onto my opening sentence. If I wanted to be a Single Mom, I would definitely want to be one! Gladly! Otherwise, I would go through life with regrets. And that’s the last thing I want. And this childhood phase is passing so quickly! I better hold on with two hands, because I am going to be going on the ride of my life! Together, with my beautiful son! Being the best Single Mom I can be!