Tuesday, February 13, 2007

How Did I Get Here?

I'm typing this blog post with one hand, holding the pump flanges to my breasts to pump breastmilk for baby. Baby is now almost 8 months old but I made a pact with myself when she stopped breastfeeding at 3 weeks old (after a nightmarish bout of infections, blood, pain and tears) that I'd pump until she is a year old.

The babysitter called in sick so I'm tossing toys to baby who just woke up (after another 4am wakeup for a bottle - her new habit after sleeping through the night for months) - she is on the living room floor starting to whine out of frustration because she can't get up from her tummy position. I'm trying not to pick her up every time she whines so she can figure out how to push herself along.

In my previous, pre-baby life I'd be working right now, from home, but fixed on my computer without interruption, getting a staggering amount of work done in a day. My joke used to be that I could do in an hour what it takes most people to do in a day. It was true. Now my "joke" is that it takes me 3 days to do what I used to do in an hour.


Okay, I'm back. Where was I? I can't stay on task because I can barely remember what to do. It is much better than it was 4 to 5 months post partum - my worst months ever. But even though I'm feeling a little more "normal," the whole concept of normal has shifted now that I have a baby.

Whine. Whine. Whine. I know, baby isn't the only one whining here. It is just that I have come to realize how the old adage "be careful what you wish for" applies to my life now. After 4 miscarriages, I was certain that I wanted a baby and damned determined to have one. Now that I have one, I keep wondering "How did I get here?" Another nagging question is "Who am I?" I've added Noa's mom to the mix of all the many hats I used to wear. But those other hats were how I made a living.

I guess this new Mom Hat is how I make a life.


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