A Weekend of Reality Checks - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I went to my High School Reunion this past weekend. Although it was rather pricey, I am glad that I went. My best friend was my “date.” I took this as a serious event because I truly haven’t been out anywhere on the weekends for close to two years. This was my one exciting night to “live it up!” I had my nails manicured, my hair professionally done and even splurged on a fancy dress! After such a long time, it felt so good to be pampered and feel special. Especially when you consider that I usually walk around in “lounging” clothes that are four sizes too big for me, no make up, and my hair up in a hair clip. For one night, I truly wanted to feel like Cinderella! And Cinderella I was!

The reunion, however, ended up being a rather eye opening experience for me in many ways. I went to the reunion knowing that I would probably disclose to a handful of people that I was getting divorced. I was shocked to discover that about a handful of people already knew through reading my blogs!! None of these individuals had ever commented on anything I had ever written, so it was quite an overwhelming experience to discover that not only do they read them, they read them every week!! This was my first reality check: people actually read the stuff I write. I’m still dumbfounded.

My next reality check came about through speaking openly with a couple former classmates who disclosed that they were also having trouble with their marriages. Thankfully, they were seeking counseling.

I then ran into a woman who has quite a meek personality. She has three sons, all in their teens; the oldest being 17. This woman flat out told me that she gave up parenting her eldest child because he was such a challenge. She even stated that she couldn’t wait until he turned 18 because she was going to tell him to leave the house. In this same conversation, she was discussing how “delightful” her other two sons were and how they obeyed and never gave her a lick of trouble. I felt for her eldest son. It sounded as if he was completely misunderstood by his mother because he was “more difficult” than his two younger brothers. He sounded very much like my own tenacious son. I said a silent prayer that I have the knowledge and fortitude to not only understand my son so well, but to channel his “tenacious,” “challenging” strengths and establish limits on his occasional “over the top” behavior. I left our conversation feeling disappointed that this lovely woman will probably never have a strong, loving relationship with her eldest son. Deep in my heart, I know that I always will. Another reality check: I have finally learned how to parent my son effectively.

I then spoke with women who were dealing with the “Sandwich Gap.” These women were faced with not only raising their immediate families, but they had to deal with caring for their medically unstable or ailing, elderly parents. The women that I spoke with all lived several states away from their parents. Some had siblings who lived across the country. They all related how painfully difficult it was to do the very best for their parents but physically be so far away. I certainly know firsthand what they were all facing. I had to single-handedly take care of my stubborn, ailing, elderly father for approximately ten years. And once I had my son, the burden was so large, we ended up having him sell his house and live with us. He was heartbroken leaving his house. But I just could not drive two hours, round trip, with a baby, at least twice a week, to tend to my father’s medical needs. My father died four years ago living a somewhat completely independent life, watching his Grandson grow a little more each day, until he reached 89 years old. I am both thankful for that and thankful that I don’t have the added stress of caring for him at this rocky time in my life. Thank goodness for small (and large) miracles. Reality check: I thankfully am beyond the “Sandwich Gap” stage.

I then discovered that there are more Later Moms than I even realized. And I blog for a Later Mom website!! Even more interesting was the fact that many of their children were “only children” and non of the moms made a single comment about regretting that they couldn’t / didn’t have another child or that they felt “badly” that their child was an “only.” Instead, we all sat and discussed our children’s individual strengths, or in my case, some difficulties. We lamented about being “so damn tired!” all of the time. Mostly, though, we were just so thankful to have our children and be able to parent them with wisdom, more tolerance and, when necessary, a pinch of humor! I wanted to shout out, “bravo!” that the stigma I faced growing up as an “only child” was now fading away throughout society. Reality check: “Only” children are finally accepted by the world around them!

I left the reunion late, as a group of us were still reminiscing. I fell into bed remembering that my son had a birthday party to go to at a local park the next morning.

“Beep, beep, beep, beep...,” I heard as my son, the human alarm clock, woke me up at 7 am. I had less than 4 hours of sleep. He was excited to go to the party and didn’t want me to “oversleep.” If I had espresso in the house, I think I might have eaten it, I was so dead tired. I perked myself up with quite a bit of coffee. We dressed and I packed a bag with extra clothes, towels and a bathing suit as I knew there were sprinklers at this park. Off we went.

As we walked into the park and approached the party, I noticed a neighbor whose older son is in my son’s class. I hadn’t seen her in over a year. Little did I know, she would be my next reality check.

We sat down in the shade. She inquired about my son and his learning challenges. I gave her the latest update. I then said, “We should catch up more! I hardly see you any more!” Then the reality hit. She explained how her younger son was “severely” developmentally delayed in every category imaginable. He was receiving 25 hours of assorted therapies each week, from physical and occupational therapy all the way through speech therapy and other behavioral therapies. I was absolutely stunned. She said that the worst part was that her son did not display enough deficiencies in any individual, typical disability category, so he could not be officially diagnosed as Autistic, nor having Aspergers Syndrome, nor any other developmental behavior disorder. She explained that although she is able to get all of this therapy through Early Intervention, when he gets to grade school level, she doesn’t know how she is going to get services for her son if she doesn’t have a true diagnosis for him. I sat there with my jaw dropped open, utterly speechless. What struck me as quite odd was that she explained all of this with practically no display of emotion. She was almost too calm. As I watched my son, the social chairman, organize what the children at the party were going to do next, I said another blessing that although my child had learning difficulties, he eventually will overcome most of them. And the kid could make friends with a doorknob. Literally. Reality check: My son’s learning disabilities could be far worse. I feel blessed that they are manageable.

The last reality check of the weekend also occurred while at this party. I saw a mom I knew who had battled breast cancer in the past, but had been in remission for quite a while. As we began to talk, she disclosed to me that at her recent follow-up, they discovered that the breast cancer was back and “highly aggressive.” She began to tear up when she said, “I might not be alive to see my daughter turn 9!” This hit home the hardest. My own mother died of ovarian cancer when I was 19 years old, and my biggest fear in life is getting cancer as a divorced mom, with a young child. This woman had also gone through a very messy divorce recently. Reality check: Beyond self-explanatory.

After hearing all of these stories, each one even more devastating than the one before, I came to the conclusion that I should consider myself blessed. Yes, my divorce has devastated me almost irreparably, but I will go on with my life and have my precious son by my side. I’ve already been through dealing with an ailing, elderly parent. I don’t have to fit that stress into my already over-stressed life. Yes, my child has learning disabilities. But they are not affecting his sense of self-esteem and he can function in a mainstream classroom; at least up to this point. And he truly is an intelligent kid, learning disorders and all. He will be able to overcome his learning difficulties. And I am most blessed that even with my myriad of medical problems, none of them are life threatening and all are being managed very well with proper medications and routine follow-ups. I am eternally thankful for that.

Thus, my weekend of reality checks. I think I needed this splash of cold water on my face. Nobody’s life is perfect. And there are so many people that I know personally who are going through the same if not worse calamities in their lives. I consider myself blessed. And I pray for those whose lives are even worse than mine. You can never foresee what life has waiting around the corner for you.

“You’re a Great Mommy” by Cyma Shapiro

My son said I’m a great mommy the other day. I was stunned. I can’t ever remember telling my own mother that; I’m not even sure what that means. So, I set out to investigate by asking him. He responded by telling me that I make him good sandwiches, give him good food, play with him, and go to school with him. I responded by telling him that he’s a good son – he’s cute, charming, sweet, loving, smart and just an overall good kid. After big hugs, I walked away.

Now, I’m on a quest to find what really does make a good mommy.  I think I might write a few more blogs on the subject. To start, here are a few on-the-street comments (ok, most of these people are my friends):

For me, a great Mommy is one who can put aside her own wishes for who her child will be, in order to listen to, and nurture, the person the child really IS. – IP

A great mommy drops what she's doing to answer a question, or stops cooking or cleaning or fussing to play. In the words of Anna Quindlen, "I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less." – JH

The person in your child's life who will stop whatever needs to be finished to just sit down, legs crossed, and watch ants march in single file from the sidewalk to your garage...for an hour. 

The one person who will wear her hair in the style (to work) that your five year has coifed...butterfly burettes and all. 

The one person who will lay beside her son in his single bed and watch him throughout the night...making sure his fever isn't so high that he doesn't have another seizure. 

The one person who loves so hard, that the first waking thought she has is their welfare and their future and the last thought she has before slumber is the blessing it is to be their mom. - KR

A good mommy is patient – AV

A good mother is one who respects her child as the individual he/she is. 

She listens, although may not agree on certain issues and will discuss why she doesn't agree. A good mommy will not demand that certain things be done only HER way, or not at all. A good mommy will never spank her child or yell rudely or condescendingly towards her child. A good mommy will show and verbalize the love she has for her child, no matter what the circumstance.

That's only the beginning of what a good Mommy is...CM

Flexibility makes a good Mommy. Your expectations and approach to parenting needs to be flexible. Physical dexterity helps too…I once nursed my screaming infant daughter in a traffic jam on the Bourne Bridge without unbuckling my seatbelt or her car seat. Thank god I didn’t have to drive too. - MF

T. Suzanne Eller, contributor to CBN.com, outlined her thoughts in the article,  “Three Principles Every Mom Should Know” 

• Moms can’t be afraid to ask for help. 
• Moms will sometimes make mistakes, but we can learn from them. 
• Moms must nurture the nurturer

I love this last one the most. She explains, “The last key to providing a loving home is to nurture yourself along the way.” I love that word, NURTURE.

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According to Anonymous and several other contributors on wikihow, the following list applies:

Be patient. Being a mother is a little challenging sometimes, especially if you have a son. But keep your cool and try to stay patient. Try this approach to other problems. Stay calm, explain the practical reasons not to do something, and then why YOU don't want them to do something. 

Take an interest in your child's interests. If your son likes music buy him a guitar and watch him play. Ask questions, like what is your favorite type of music, what is your favorite song, etc. If your daughter is interested in fashion, take her out for a shopping spree. Ask her what her favorite thing about fashion is. Don't be afraid to ask just don't be pushy.

Don't be tight about money. Okay, so blowing money day after day isn't the best thing to do, but don't automatically say no to everything your kid asks for. If you always say no and follow this with a lecture about saving money, you will be known as the "Tight Parent", the one who never buys anything. Buy something small every now and then.  

Make sure you are an approachable person to talk to. Try your hardest to always be understanding and a good listener. Knowing that they can go to their mom for friendship advice, information on puberty, homework help, or just a hug goes a long way for kids. Not having someone they can talk to can cause kids to retire into a shell, so make sure you talk to them about how they feel regularly. 

Be supportive, and never laugh at your kid’s hobbies, interests or friends. So, your daughter doesn't want to study medicine and become a doctor? Don't get angry, this is your child's life and they can make some of their own decisions. Understand that it's okay if your child thinks differently from you. Don't get mad because they have a different opinion to you, or your son wants to become an engineer and not a doctor. Don't laugh at them, or their friends. Who cares if you daughter listens to hip hop music and wears too much eyeliner? She's still your daughter. And so what if your son is friends with a guy who speaks in a funny accent or who has a different skin color? You might not do what your kids do, but that is their decision, not yours. You have a big impact on their lives already-you choose what school they go to, when they eat dinner, the amount of allowance they get a week. Don't overdo it. 

Be able to admit that something you did may have been wrong and don't be afraid to apologize. It might be hard, but it's better for everyone if you just admit to your mistakes and apologize. It saves everyone the trouble of being mad that you're being stubborn and teaches your kids that it's okay to make mistakes, as well as the importance of an apology. Simply calm yourself, evaluate the situation, determine what you did wrong and why. Then apologize and explain how or why you acted the way you did. 

Respect your child’s love for the other parents. You cannot be jealous of your child loving your husband or ex-husband. 

Stacey in her Blog, Is there a Mommy out there? posted this:

Quite often, the comments here, which I love and adore, which make my day and make me laugh and make me think and introduce me to new lives and stories all over the world, frequently these comments - you - tell me that I'm a good mother. That I care. That I am perceptive with my kids. That I have good ideas.

And quite often, I try and I am and I do.

But, it is easy, in all honesty, to be perceptive and loving on paper. On blog, I guess I should say. 

It would be a sweet story. True in its own right and so incomplete. So there you go, I give you the ugly underbelly, the moment before the moment. Because you know what, I am still a good mother. I am just not a perfect one. 

And, Jill Smokler in her Blog, Scary Mommy, writes the following – a testament to how far good mommys often go:

For the first five years of my children’s lives, I baked all of their birthday cakes. Come to think of it, baked is not an adequate word; I slaved over their birthday cakes. Poured my blood, sweat and tears into cake pans time and time again. I am not a natural baker and the process made me far more miserable than happy, but the hours I spent creating them was a proof positive of my undying love for my kids. Good mothers bake their own cakes, so bake the cakes, I would, dammit.

So, there you have it. I think, in part, that being a good mommy is in the eye of the beholder. I also think that love, nurturing, respect and support go a long way in parenting children.  In all cases, I’ll take my childrens’ compliments, any day.