GUEST BLOG POST: 10 Things My Kids Tell Me with Their Hearts by Leta Hamilton

In our family, bedtime is a special time of day when I can focus on my kids without the distractions of media and TV. It gives me a chance to listen with my whole self and not the divided self that juggles work, dinner, dishes and demands from three children, who have their own perspectives on the world.

It is during the bedtime routine that they talk to me with their hearts. They know I am there for them and won’t run off to answer an “important” email (like anything could be more important than my kids, the cultivating of their souls and the joy they bring to the earth). If I were a seamstress, I would make bed sheets of the top ten things they have told me with their hearts during the hour we spend before bedtime brushing teeth, reading stories and just talking. My sheets would read:

• Take time to play with me and learn from the point-of-view of a child whose world is full of curiosity, discovery and diligent determination to understand new surroundings.

• You are only as grown-up as your last birthday – life is a continuing journey, and we shouldn’t be disappointed with ourselves for not knowing then what we know now or what we are just learning.

• If the day seems to be going completely crazy, then a good option is to just sit down and read a book or take a nap.

• Nothing is more important than love – the love you give, the love you receive and the love you grow through kind words and genuine deeds.

• The more tips you give me about life the better. I am learning from your example, so talk to me often about what it all means and there is less chance I’ll be totally confused.

• Your words make a difference. Am I “naughty” or is the thing I just did an uncooperative choice for the good of all? Please refrain from giving the message that I am “bad” in and of myself.

• I love you. I love spending time with you. I love making things with you. I love sharing my life with you. Can we spend a portion of each day just telling each other how much we love and appreciate the other?

• I make mistakes sometimes and so do you. Let’s learn the art of forgiveness together.

• What you did yesterday is a distant memory. What I did is too. The time is now. The time is always now.

• If you can learn from me as much as I learn from you, then we both will be enlightened during this journey toward my adulthood. It’s a learning curve for both of us. I have lots to teach you. Are you ready to be a student?

If I had these 10 things printed on my kids’ sheets and was forced to read at least one of them every night while tucking them in, I would be a much less neurotic mother. They are telling me all the time through their antics that life is about more than how successful I am as a radio show producer or writer. It is their wisdom from the heart that reminds me that I am the sum of my inner most beliefs about myself and they give me the courage to continually search within to remove the obstacles that are keeping me from being at least mostly at peace.

What I “do” is not nearly as influential as who I “am” in the world. With kids to keep me on my toes, I can strive to always be the highest version of myself: that person I want to be. In this way, I know I am a better mother and they reward me with their words of affirmation and cuddles. If not all of the time, then enough of the time to let me know I am on the right track. Their hearts speak volumes, and I am learning to listen.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.

Love by Robin Gorman Newman

I had the opportunity to see a poignant, heartwarming, funny, and engaging new film this week at a special screening hosted by The 92nd Street Y in Manhattan.  The documentary, LOVE ETC., opens 7/1 in NY and 7/15 in LA.

To view the trailer, visit: http://loveetcthemovie.com/trailer.php

Following the screening, a panel discussed the film’s theme of the many stages of love in New York City.  Along with the Today Show's Hoda Kotb, it featured director Jill Andresevic, subjects from the film, including Tony and Emmy-nominated director, Scott Ellis, and executive producer Jonathan Tisch, whose own visit to the City Hall Marriage Bureau to obtain a marriage license provided the inspiration for the movie.

LOVE ETC. shares five real stories over the course of one year in New York City. Young, old, gay, straight – everyone has experienced love – and the joy and frustration that comes with it. From teen romance to a decades-long marriage; newlyweds to a recent divorcee, and even a bachelor so frustrated in his search for love that he chooses to have children without a partner.

While all the stories held my interest, two, in particular struck me.  One was that of the eldest couple married 48 years. They were so tender and patient with each other and wildly devoted.  They had shared much over nearly five decades of matrimony, yet one of the keys to their enduring relationship was that they allowed each other to pursue separate interests with aplomb. A good lesson!

The other story I felt deeply was that of Scott Ellis, a gay man, who, at age, 52, decided he wanted to be a father, and ultimately became a "later" dad through a surrogate. And, much to his surprise, he wound up with twins! While totally thrilled, his anxiousness re: impending parenthood was palpable.  And, that on top of wanting to be a couple with the right partner contributed to his anticipation and angst.

It took me back to my early motherhood days. Nothing fully prepares you. When you hold your baby in your arms for the first time, you heart feels a swelling unlike any other, and you know your most important role is now to raise, shape and enjoy this little life....poopy diapers and all.

Until then, you had aspirations for yourself.  And, now you also have aspirations for your children.  You want them to have even a better life than you.  You want them to be safe and experience mostly happiness, and in a perfect world, we'd love to provide that for them. Yet,  we can't anticipate the path they will take and how things will unfold.  Nor can we predict that for ourselves.

The youngest couple in the film was so smitten and full of hope for the future, yet they broke up when one of them went off to college. 

The divorced dad who had custody of his kids never expected to be in that position.  And, while he longed to meet "the one," he, himself, had some growing up to do. Yet, in one touching scene, his daughter read aloud a note she had written to him about how much she loved him.  Her love was unconditional.

The fifth couple was in the throes of planning their wedding, and after tieing the knot in a lavish ceremony, wound up separating, then came back together, and now have a young child.

Life is totally unpredictable.  We all have bumps along the road and can get blindsided.. To provide our children some comfort in this world, as they crave predictability when they're young, and to tackle the many questions they pose of us, we endeavor to equip ourselves with answers....even if we have to, at times, flub it.

Despite it all....one thing that remains universal is the power of love.  Of that much, we can be certain.  And, as long as we love our children fully, and we receive that in return, we are doing the best we can and can't ask any more of ourselves.

Loving Too Much - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Is there such a thing as loving someone too much? And if so, where is the line that delineates this?

I ask this because the stress of my pending divorce and my son’s unattended to learning disabilities has gotten me so stressed out, I feel like I am holding on by a thread. When I discussed this stress with my various therapy professionals last week, each one of them replied, “Forget about your son. Focus on yourself.” Forget about my SON?? That’s like asking me to forget to breathe! Every ounce of stress in my life exists because of the love that I have for my son!! I am getting divorced because my husband and I couldn’t see eye-to-eye regarding my son’s learning disabilities, and he just wanted to brush them under the rug while I fought like heck to get my son the services and accommodations he needs and deserves! Is THAT loving too much?

I am stressed out every second I am with my son, trying to manage his behavior, his meltdowns, his rambunctiousness and how it affects not only the two of us but also the environment around us.

I am stressed out every second because every interaction with my son will ultimately hinge on the type and amount of custody I ultimately receive from my divorce because the divorce laws have changed drastically over the past 6 months.

So why are these professionals telling me to “forget” about my son?? If my son were not in the picture, I might or might not be getting divorced. I wouldn’t have any educational challenges to deal with. And if I were divorcing, it would be a piece of cake: This is yours, this is mine, have a nice life. My stress level would be minute compared to what it is now.

Where does that leave me as a Mother? I decided to research this area a little and find out if there is such a thing as loving your child too much. Not in an overindulgent, let your child rule your world type of excess. But fighting for your child and your child’s rights. Being their advocate. Making the best decisions possible type of love. Is there such a thing as too much loving in these areas?

I did a google search on this topic. Many articles focused on overindulging a child with material things or giving in to them too much. I wanted something deeper. I came up with a few provocative articles that go beyond the obvious.

In an article written by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin, titled, “Is It Really Possible to Love Too Much?," the authors state that, “Divorcing parents may lack knowledge about the effects their actions have on their children. These parents will claim they want custody, ‘Because I love them.’ Parents also love their children too much when they can’t see that they are doing ‘bad’ while claiming to do ‘good.’”

Another article by Rod Smith, titled, “Loving” Children Too Much" brings across some food for thought. He argues that children are loved too much when their wants are habitually placed ahead of the needs of the parents,” (okay, well maybe my own needs are not getting met because I am consumed by my son’s needs?). Smith also states that a child is loved too much when a parent gives up all of their former hobbies and interests and focuses all of their energy on their children,” (Umm...like the 20+ parenting books I have at my bedside instead of the novels I used to read, once upon a time?). Looks like we may be getting somewhere.

The third article is a blog written by Aaron Ben-Zee’v in Psychology Today. In this blog, he deduces that, “Even if love were concerned solely with disinterested care for the beloved (and this is not obviously so), there is still the question of what constitutes proper caring. Love is not a merely theoretical attitude; it has profound behavioral implications for our life. And if such behavior becomes improper, then the issue of whether one can love too much might arise.” Improper as in focusing on your loved one’s needs rather than on your own?

Now, I think I get what all of the therapy professionals were trying to elude to: I have completely abandoned my own essential needs - all the way down to eating - to care for and try to be the “best” Mom I can for my son. I wasn’t paying attention when the airline attendant was demonstrating that you need to put on your oxygen mask first before you place it on your child. I know now that I need to focus on taking care of me a little more, otherwise the oxygen will run out and I will be of no service to myself or for caring for my son. There needs to be a shift in priorities.

Now, if I could only let go of my wonderful, amazing little boy in my head for just a little while...

For you see, each day I love you more...

Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

~ Rosemonde Gerard

The Puzzle and Key…to Life! By Cyma Shapiro

Here’s a puzzle for you:

You gaze into your eyes, breathe heavily, and scan your body.

Are you jogging around the block for the first time, meditating or about to have sex?

You become elated, joyful, and sometimes bored and uncaring. You often come up against your edge. Are you struggling in your marriage, engaging with your children or dealing with something else?

Give up? You are dealing with something else, and that “else” is YOU!

According to Sally Kempton’s latest (and greatest) book, Meditation for the Love of It: Enjoying Your Own Deepest Experience, you…can find your best…you… by being with…you!

A 370-page tribute to the experience, Kempton, a writer, author and master teacher of meditation and Tantric wisdom, believes that whatever shows up comes out of Consciousness and ultimately, love.  She also believes that this is the true key to happiness, peace and self-love; a path to reducing stress and clearing the mind. 

Kempton takes great pains to guide the reader toward greater peace and enjoyment with the following tips:

• Stop worrying about technique
• If your relationship to this becomes troublesome, or more ‘edgy,’ this only requires more patience.
• Be creative, play
• Pay attention to the energy that emerges with the experience. Treat it with tenderness.

Finally, Kempton proposes this: the key to going deep in meditation is wanting to… go deep. The more you crave it, the easier it is to meditate. Kind of like being with your children…or…being with your partner!

This book is a ‘how-to’ of everything meditation – suggestions for body positions and practice techniques; various mantras; tips for how to address the mind, emotional and physical blocks, and the heart.  Kempton envelopes the entire experience and gently exhorts, you, the reader to simply (try to) follow.

As a seeker who is always looking for methods to greater harmony, wholeness and peace, meditation is one of the many methods I employ in my daily practice. Without practices, daily life often becomes too much of a burden with its (many) external variables, and with unexpected internal strife. As older mothers, we’ve got our hands full with younger children, older parents, aging bodies and profound life changes. Without anchors, we sail adrift.

Self-love is probably the greatest gift we can give ourselves and one of the greatest traits we can pass down to our children. In this case, it’s self-care without the sexy! Kempton’s Meditation for the Love of It can be one more tool for us to use on our path to wholeness.

Sally Kempton has been practicing and teaching since the early 1970’s. Sally is an acknowledged master teacher of meditation, subtle energy and Tantric wisdom. Her students include leading teachers of yoga and meditation from around the world. Sally teaches at Kripalu Yoga Center in Lenox, MA, Esalen, in CA, and leads retreats and workshops internationally.  She also writes the popular “Wisdom” column for Yoga Journal. Visit Sally @ http://www.sallykempton.com./

“You’re a Great Mommy” by Cyma Shapiro

My son said I’m a great mommy the other day. I was stunned. I can’t ever remember telling my own mother that; I’m not even sure what that means. So, I set out to investigate by asking him. He responded by telling me that I make him good sandwiches, give him good food, play with him, and go to school with him. I responded by telling him that he’s a good son – he’s cute, charming, sweet, loving, smart and just an overall good kid. After big hugs, I walked away.

Now, I’m on a quest to find what really does make a good mommy.  I think I might write a few more blogs on the subject. To start, here are a few on-the-street comments (ok, most of these people are my friends):

For me, a great Mommy is one who can put aside her own wishes for who her child will be, in order to listen to, and nurture, the person the child really IS. – IP

A great mommy drops what she's doing to answer a question, or stops cooking or cleaning or fussing to play. In the words of Anna Quindlen, "I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less." – JH

The person in your child's life who will stop whatever needs to be finished to just sit down, legs crossed, and watch ants march in single file from the sidewalk to your garage...for an hour. 

The one person who will wear her hair in the style (to work) that your five year has coifed...butterfly burettes and all. 

The one person who will lay beside her son in his single bed and watch him throughout the night...making sure his fever isn't so high that he doesn't have another seizure. 

The one person who loves so hard, that the first waking thought she has is their welfare and their future and the last thought she has before slumber is the blessing it is to be their mom. - KR

A good mommy is patient – AV

A good mother is one who respects her child as the individual he/she is. 

She listens, although may not agree on certain issues and will discuss why she doesn't agree. A good mommy will not demand that certain things be done only HER way, or not at all. A good mommy will never spank her child or yell rudely or condescendingly towards her child. A good mommy will show and verbalize the love she has for her child, no matter what the circumstance.

That's only the beginning of what a good Mommy is...CM

Flexibility makes a good Mommy. Your expectations and approach to parenting needs to be flexible. Physical dexterity helps too…I once nursed my screaming infant daughter in a traffic jam on the Bourne Bridge without unbuckling my seatbelt or her car seat. Thank god I didn’t have to drive too. - MF

T. Suzanne Eller, contributor to CBN.com, outlined her thoughts in the article,  “Three Principles Every Mom Should Know” 

• Moms can’t be afraid to ask for help. 
• Moms will sometimes make mistakes, but we can learn from them. 
• Moms must nurture the nurturer

I love this last one the most. She explains, “The last key to providing a loving home is to nurture yourself along the way.” I love that word, NURTURE.

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According to Anonymous and several other contributors on wikihow, the following list applies:

Be patient. Being a mother is a little challenging sometimes, especially if you have a son. But keep your cool and try to stay patient. Try this approach to other problems. Stay calm, explain the practical reasons not to do something, and then why YOU don't want them to do something. 

Take an interest in your child's interests. If your son likes music buy him a guitar and watch him play. Ask questions, like what is your favorite type of music, what is your favorite song, etc. If your daughter is interested in fashion, take her out for a shopping spree. Ask her what her favorite thing about fashion is. Don't be afraid to ask just don't be pushy.

Don't be tight about money. Okay, so blowing money day after day isn't the best thing to do, but don't automatically say no to everything your kid asks for. If you always say no and follow this with a lecture about saving money, you will be known as the "Tight Parent", the one who never buys anything. Buy something small every now and then.  

Make sure you are an approachable person to talk to. Try your hardest to always be understanding and a good listener. Knowing that they can go to their mom for friendship advice, information on puberty, homework help, or just a hug goes a long way for kids. Not having someone they can talk to can cause kids to retire into a shell, so make sure you talk to them about how they feel regularly. 

Be supportive, and never laugh at your kid’s hobbies, interests or friends. So, your daughter doesn't want to study medicine and become a doctor? Don't get angry, this is your child's life and they can make some of their own decisions. Understand that it's okay if your child thinks differently from you. Don't get mad because they have a different opinion to you, or your son wants to become an engineer and not a doctor. Don't laugh at them, or their friends. Who cares if you daughter listens to hip hop music and wears too much eyeliner? She's still your daughter. And so what if your son is friends with a guy who speaks in a funny accent or who has a different skin color? You might not do what your kids do, but that is their decision, not yours. You have a big impact on their lives already-you choose what school they go to, when they eat dinner, the amount of allowance they get a week. Don't overdo it. 

Be able to admit that something you did may have been wrong and don't be afraid to apologize. It might be hard, but it's better for everyone if you just admit to your mistakes and apologize. It saves everyone the trouble of being mad that you're being stubborn and teaches your kids that it's okay to make mistakes, as well as the importance of an apology. Simply calm yourself, evaluate the situation, determine what you did wrong and why. Then apologize and explain how or why you acted the way you did. 

Respect your child’s love for the other parents. You cannot be jealous of your child loving your husband or ex-husband. 

Stacey in her Blog, Is there a Mommy out there? posted this:

Quite often, the comments here, which I love and adore, which make my day and make me laugh and make me think and introduce me to new lives and stories all over the world, frequently these comments - you - tell me that I'm a good mother. That I care. That I am perceptive with my kids. That I have good ideas.

And quite often, I try and I am and I do.

But, it is easy, in all honesty, to be perceptive and loving on paper. On blog, I guess I should say. 

It would be a sweet story. True in its own right and so incomplete. So there you go, I give you the ugly underbelly, the moment before the moment. Because you know what, I am still a good mother. I am just not a perfect one. 

And, Jill Smokler in her Blog, Scary Mommy, writes the following – a testament to how far good mommys often go:

For the first five years of my children’s lives, I baked all of their birthday cakes. Come to think of it, baked is not an adequate word; I slaved over their birthday cakes. Poured my blood, sweat and tears into cake pans time and time again. I am not a natural baker and the process made me far more miserable than happy, but the hours I spent creating them was a proof positive of my undying love for my kids. Good mothers bake their own cakes, so bake the cakes, I would, dammit.

So, there you have it. I think, in part, that being a good mommy is in the eye of the beholder. I also think that love, nurturing, respect and support go a long way in parenting children.  In all cases, I’ll take my childrens’ compliments, any day.

Memorial Day (ode to my marriage) - by Cyma

Memorial Day usually means parades and barbeques, a chance to have ‘family time,’ the beginning of summer. On this weekend 14 years ago, I got married – a lifetime ago if we count all the experiences, life changes and myriad of adjustments that have taken place. During that time, I also turned 50.

I routinely use this weekend to assess my marriage. There were several years where I was just plain unhappy; one or two when I was in neutral; a few where I was in lust and still more where I was enraged.

I remember an old friend commenting that she no longer exchanges anniversary cards or presents. She also does not wear her wedding ring. I have never not exchanged gifts; however, last year, I went several weeks without wearing my ring. The incident was intended to convey a strong message and to test the waters -- to see how it would feel, and how others would feel about me. It felt equally liberating and sad. I eventually put my ring back on – a testament to my husband’s commitment to regroup and get help. I have not taken it off, since.

I have never understood the ins and outs of relationships. For me, I was either ‘in’ or ‘out.’ I think that marriage allows you many options – to stay ‘in’ while being ‘out;’ to stay ‘out’ while being ‘in;’ to think about being ‘out’ while being ‘in.’ You know what I mean. The list of options goes on and on.

I got married because I decided I would. I decided that this would be the last personal ad I would write, the last boyfriend I would date. I decided on that first blind date that I would marry him. I found out later that he decided the same. Just before I got married, I had a brief moment of realization that I would never kiss anyone else again. I was panic-stricken. It was fleeting.

Growing up watching my parents, I had a very hard act to follow – they are definitely soul mates. My husband and I are not. For a long time, I felt very sad about it. I can’t say that I’ve ever given up longing for this, but I can say that I’m more comfortable, now, not having it.

In recent months, I sense an ease between us: an almost second coming. I feel like we’re on a new plane with new rules and regulations. I think we like each other again; we’re working on the love part. I wish it came easier. But, we came into this with our own deep emotional issues and more than enough baggage. It’s taken all this time to even land in neutral; to not be fired up with every discussion or chaotic incident which had befallen us. Now, I feel a sense of hope, of renewal, of strength. I also feel a sense of purpose, of acceptance, and even of love.

At this stage in life/marriage, many people choose to go their separate ways. I think that this has taught me that it is also possible to regroup and come together again in a better, more solid way. I wasn’t used to the nuances. Remember, either ‘in’ or ‘out.’

I don’t think that I’ll think as much about my marriage this Memorial Day. This is a testament to our recently reaffirmed bond and commitment. However, I do think I will, as I always do, memorialize the day and the year. Happy Anniversary, dear.

Planning for Love - by Laura

How many of us are as close to our mothers as we want to be? How many of us find friendship with our mother-in-laws? I don’t know of many. I know of too few. For those of us who long for a good relationship with our mothers, what is it about mothering that alienates them from us and us from them? And the most important question: How do we not repeat that in our own children?

I think it’s a grave mistake to assume that just because we sacrifice our time, bodies, lives, finances, freedom, and love that our children will automatically love us back the way we love them. We must ask ourselves; “How do we not repeat our parents’ mistakes when by being raised by them, we were taught their particular values on how to behave, how to parent, and how to love? If children learn by example, how do we unlearn what they have taught us?”

My mother-in-law was here over the weekend to celebrate her grandsons’ first birthday. It was a tough visit for my husband and his sister. They’re not close to her, and they do not speak warmly of their childhood. Apparently, she suffered from depression, and she could often be physically and emotionally abusive during an episode. She would go on religious rants that led to violence like the time she ripped a necklace off her daughter because she believed it was unholy. It was a frog – a cheap, silver charm on an s-chain given to her by a classmate – but to my mother-in-law it was a symbol of the devil, so she yanked it off, leaving a small scar on my sister-in-law’s neck.

The compassionate thing to do is take a look at how my mother-in-law learned to parent. She was raised on a remote farm in West Virginia, and she was the youngest child out of eight children. Her parents frequently left their children to fend for themselves while they went to Bible tent revivals all around the state. She was literally raised with animals. And when she was 18, she joined the army so that for the first time in her life she had three meals a day. She survived 18 years of neglect, loneliness and abuse. But, she did not escape West Virginia any more than she did her upbringing.

Her past explains her parenting. She repeated her parent’s mistakes: physical abuse, religious tyranny, emotional abuse and neglect. After continuing the cycle her parent’s taught her, she cannot understand why her children don’t like her. She thinks her son and daughter are ungrateful for all she sacrificed for them. She thinks they’re selfish. She thinks their dislike of her is due to their own personal character flaws. She denies she ever hit them or mistreated them even though they have the physical and emotional scars to prove it.

My husband and I are determined not to repeat our parent’s patterns. But ,we have hardly a roadmap at where to begin. We can only start by admitting how much we are like our parents, so that we can navigate change. It’s a painful thing for me to do. I confess when I see a mother and daughter enjoying one another’s company I get an ache in my chest. In spite of all of the pain between us, I long for a good relationship with my mother. And I hope my children want that, too. But, as I have learned it doesn’t happen naturally. It’s work. I have to work for their love when they automatically receive mine. My gift is unconditional. Theirs is not. If I can remember this, I think I can succeed. I believe I can nurture a relationship between my sons and me that cultivates both love and respect. I believe we can all love each other well enough. Not just now but 30 years from now. We can love each other well enough.

Picky. Protective. And Still Single. by Jamie Levine

Before I had Jayda, I was a serial dater. I went out with men from JDate, had “training dates” with other members of my gym, was set up with friends of friends of friends, and even had drinks with a couple of gutsy guys who chatted me up on the subway. I once went speed dating with a friend for kicks, and actually posted an ad on Craigslist at one point (and met a short-term boyfriend that way). I certainly know how to date…or at least I used to. Friends often asked me why I was still single, and, if maybe, I was “being too picky?” I always responded “No…not at all. I just don’t want to settle.” And I really wasn’t being too selective—I gave plenty of guys a fair chance. However, most of them never made it to full-fledged boyfriend status…either due to their commitment-issues or our lack of chemistry, or a host of other reasons. But I wasn’t single because I was too picky. Hardly.

NOW, I’m picky.

Though I ultimately “chose” to have Jayda on my own, I’ve always pictured myself with a husband. But, unlike the pre-Jayda dating-fanatic I once was, I no longer feel I need a man in my life…I simply want one. The right one. And he has to be right for me and Jayda. Yikes. Just how does someone find a man who is high-caliber husband and father material—for two strong-minded, used-to-being-on-their-own gals? Especially when the woman looking has much less time to test-drive a bunch of suitors than she ever had before! It’s definitely a challenge.

Of course I’ve dated a bit in the past 27 months that Jayda has been alive…but mostly just for fun—for a much-needed break from being a mommy all the time. And while I always tell people that “I’d love to meet someone special…” I rarely put my energy into looking for him. Who has the time? Or even, on some days, the desire? Having an extra hour or two to read a book, or go to bed early, is often vastly more appealing to me than going on a blind date.

In the past, I could drop everything on a whim and meet someone for a drink. If the guy was engaging enough, a Thursday afternoon introductory phone call could lead to a Thursday night rendezvous at my local bar. Why not? These days, in order to have a night out, I need to find a babysitter (and potentially invest quite a bit of money), as well as sacrifice precious time with my daughter (or, the aforementioned extra sleep!). Sure, the right guy is definitely worth it…but who wants to invest time and money on the “wrong” guy? Thus, I’m less apt to take a risk these days—especially since I’m protecting more than just my own heart now.

With her affectionate nature and outgoing personality, Jayda is so easy to love…but it’s just as easy to break her heart. When a good friend leaves us to go home after spending a day with me and Jayda, my daughter often asks for that person over and over again, every day for weeks! What would she do if I dated a man—whom Jayda got to know and love—and then we broke up? Yes, I know she’d recover, but still, the thought of my daughter suffering for my dating mistakes pains me. And so I hesitate. I question whether I’m really ready for a serious relationship. I certainly don’t bring my dates home to meet Jayda. And I continually wonder if the timing will ever be right for meeting “our” Mr. Right.

Choosing to be a single mom definitely alleviated the pressure I used to put on myself to search for a husband. And, overall, it’s made me a much happier, more confident person. But sometimes I wonder if the pressures single motherhood has added to my dating life will ultimately make my search impossible. I suppose only time will tell…

Adoption

Why is the process of adoption such a challenge?

I have such a mixed feeling about this.

My son is adopted, and we went through a very difficult and emotional course until we successfully became his parents.

Adoption is a common path for many later parents, and while I know some who seemed to make a child their own with greater ease, I know others struggling.

A close mom friend of mine now wants to add to her family through adoption and has shared with me how overwhelming all the paperwork felt, etc., just getting to the point of being able to advertise. Now she is speaking with potential birthmothers, and that's a whole different experience which nothing in life truly prepares you for.

On one hand, I respect that a legal system was put in place to protect children and ideally have them adopted by good homes. However, it just seems that many families whose hearts are in such a good place, and want to adopt, not only have to pay a lot of money to do so, but then have to endure the process which can easily feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

And, sometimes it doesn't even seem like a reality that you will get a child. This friend of mine has big moments of doubt, and I totally empathize. We went through that as well. Until it happens, it's not an easy thing to believe. It can be such a waiting game, all the while your heart just yearns to love and provide for a child.

I feel for the aspiring moms out there who have chosen to go the adoption route, for whatever reason. It's a wonderful way to create a family. I just wish that somehow the process was more inviting or easier to follow.

I have assured my friend that the child she is meant to get will find its way into her home. But, until then, she has anxious periods of waiting for the phone to ring and holding her breath that it will be a truly viable situation that they can see through to completion.

Have you adopted, and what was your experience? Did you find the process a hard one? Did you have your doubts that it would happen for you?