Do as I Say, Not as I Do…uh…Did - by Elizabeth Allen

Hypocrite: a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.


I keep finding these little tiny glitches in the system of “parenthood later”. One of them has to do with budding behaviors, attitudes and episodes my 16 year old exhibits that are fairly tantamount to me when I was 16. Now, that said, there are some major differences between the two of us as sweet-sixteeners, not the least of which is 36 years. Am I wrong in thinking parents with a narrower age difference can work these glitches out with more efficiency? Are their behaviors better emulated because they didn’t have the extra time to make more mistakes?

It was a different time and different circumstances. I hit upon 16 in 1975, the product of enormous dysfunction with a wild streak that even Paris Hilton would envy. I had a fake id and was drinking alcohol with friends. I smoked pot (and yes, I inhaled). I was sexually active because I needed love and if a boy wanted me that way, that meant I must be loveable. I ran away twice before the very real threat of juvy inspired me to cool my jets until I could legally run away once and for all at 18. I had an argument with my mother during a drive from Tampa to Atlanta and threw her out of the car somewhere near Valdosta. I didn’t actually throw her from a moving vehicle; just forced her out physically and watched her expression of disbelief in the rearview mirror as I called her bluff by actually driving away. I didn’t go back.

Not a very nice kid. Yeah, well. I’m not proud of that last stunt but over time I did develop skills which have made me who I am today. And I’m very proud of how I turned out. You can develop some pretty nice muscles when you pull yourself up from rock bottom on your own.

On to my daughter. Let me say right up front that she is not a drug-using, sexually active, ruthless chip off the old block. Quite the contrary. She knows all about drugs and has no desire to indulge (but if she did and/or her friends entice her, we talk about it honestly and I would insist they partake within the safe confines of our home…and save me a hit). She was not bounced on the knees of two parents who hated each other, but rather, witnesses daily a mom and dad who are nuts in love. And who love her more than air. That alone gives her value and confidence; no gap that she needs to fill artificially with drugs, sex or anger. She hasn’t thrown me out of the car yet, but she still has her learner’s permit…

So all things considered, she’s really a great kid. The similarities I speak of are mostly an attitude imbalance. She’s tough on me; she yells a lot and she has virtually no patience. In short, I exasperate her. Exactly how I treated my mom. It doesn’t help that she’s hormonal and I’m premenopausal. But while I don’t see her following in my unpleasant footsteps on the road to her evolution, I have to anticipate there may be some detours I didn’t expect. And when those deviations pop up, how do I, in good conscience, tell her “no”? I guess, like any parent, regardless of my unsavory, reckless and fairly debauched youth, I’ll cross those bridges when I come to them.

I just hope this particular fruit fell way far from the tree.

What About Sex? -- by Laura Houston

My eternally youthful, childless, single friend Tina recently wrote me and asked: “When are you going to write about sex? I hear having kids ruins your sex life.” I wish I could say that was just a nasty rumor, but it seems to be almost true. I say “almost” because it doesn’t last forever, but let’s be honest: that first year after the baby arrives is a bitch.

I think it’s important to talk about sex after having kids because you have to have a plan and you have to have a network of resources who will share their tips. I’m usually happy to convey my experience, but my experience isn’t enough. Plus, I had extenuating circumstances that first year. I had twins. I was 44-years old when I had them, and I had been through almost four years of infertility treatments, so my endocrine system was completely shot. Then we packed up and moved to the other side of the country just six months into parenthood. There were new jobs, new home, adjustments going on, and no network of support.

So my experience that first year feels extreme. However, I find that my parental colleagues are more than willing to discuss their challenges, especially on the playground when they are lacking sleep, freezing their butts off, and clinging to a cup of lukewarm coffee. They talk. Oh, yes, they do.

I reserve my discussions about sex to a few choice friends, but these more confident, more sophisticated Manhattan moms discuss sex with the same candidness that they discuss articles in the “New York Times.” Naturally, I asked questions and took notes. Over the course of many conversations I noticed two strong themes: the older mothers had a harder time finding the time and the energy for it, and the younger moms found time for it because they wanted to get pregnant again. But it was obvious among these women, who are mostly over 40, that saving a sex life is one of the greatest challenges of motherhood.

I know my husband and I talked about it at great length when we were planning our parenthood. We have always had an enjoyable sex life, and we didn’t want our intimate time together to change, so we promised we would work on it and make time for it. We wouldn’t become like those “other” couples who just let it slide and let themselves go. Oh no. We were above that.

Fast forward 18 months later and nothing is as we thought. (Insert your chuckle of smugness here.) Sex is still a priority, but we just don’t know where it falls on the list. The reality is that it’s hard to find the time, the energy and the privacy. When I asked my friends what they ranked sex on their list of priorities, it was right up there among the top five, but they echoed my sentiments: it’s hard to find the right moment.

My friends Kim and Susan tell me desire is not an issue for them even though they each have three children under the age of four. They most certainly yearn to have sex, to be close, and to enjoy the benefits of touch. However, for them the urge usually comes on around 10:00 in the morning. Perhaps right after they have just finished vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher. It’s the time of day when moms are not too exhausted from the labors of motherhood, and naptime is moments away. And our spouses are nowhere around. It’s unfortunate for them and us.

My friend Jen is a working mother here in Manhattan. She leaves her children every morning at 8am and does not return home again until after 6pm. She told me that along with some of the other women in her office, they acknowledge they think about sex frequently during the day. I asked her if it was because she was able to stay relatively clean throughout the day, but Jen said it was because she felt more stimulated mentally and therefore probably physically, as well. So I asked if she still had sex as often as she would like with her husband. But the answer was still “no.” She was too tired at the end of the day.

Apparently, we are all too tired.

So this is it? We’re just tired? Can't some Ambien, a margarita, and a good night's sleep fix that? Or is it that no matter how much rest we get, are our brains are more focused on what death defying stunt junior is pulling off in the next room than getting a little somethin’-somethin’ for ourselves?

Sometimes I think, hey, how hard could it be to introduce a little more sex? It’s a great opportunity to get in bed and lie down. How often does that happen to first-year mothers? Not often enough. Getting in bed any time of the day could be a great thing. But there are tricks to it. It requires skill to find the time, get in the mood, be playful, and most importantly relax. I just don’t know enough of these tricks. So I listen on the playgrounds. I read the parenting boards. And I depend on readers of this blog and friends to help me out.

So regardless if you have 10 kids or none, feel free to share with all of the sexually frustrated, stressed out, exhausted mothers out there. Unless, of course, you’re too tired.

No Sex In The City -- Laura Houston

Babies are their own form of birth control. They ruin sex. They don’t kill the desire. Just the act. Sure. Thanks to shifting hormones, shock, awe, and exhaustion, the sex drive is gone for a few months after birth, but fortunately it comes right back at the most unexpected times – usually in the middle of the day when the babies are playing quietly or napping and my husband is at work entrenched in a meeting. The floods of desire rarely come at a convenient time and place for me. And I am the sort of woman who pays close attention to sex, the frequency, the quality, and the small little nuances in between. It’s an important element to me in my marriage.

Following the advice of a friend who does not have twins but who does have a full-time nanny, I dedicated Tuesday night as “romance night.” I announced this to my husband who stopped reading his Facebook newsfeed and said, “Why? What did you do?” I explained to him that we really needed to set aside some time for intimacy. He looked around at the mess of toys in the living room, the dishes in the sink, and the pile of laundry under the waiting diligently by the washing machine and said “OK,” which every woman knows really means, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

So Tuesday rolled around and I got ready. I did yoga for an hour so I’d feel lithe and sexy, and I threw in 50 sit-ups, which I read is supposed to help orgasms. I put the boys down for an extra long nap and tackled the daunting task of hair removal, gave myself a pedicure, styled my hair, and put on makeup all the way down to mascara. I spent the afternoon cleaning the house, doing laundry, and preparing a nice meal. I chilled wine, sprayed the sheets with rose scented linen spray, and took the boys to the park for a good romp on their favorite jungle gym to make sure they were worn out. Dave came home at 6:30, and by then my makeup had worn off, my hair was in a ponytail, and my legs were covered in red bumps. And you guessed it – the only one ready for an early bedtime was me.

I needed to rethink my plan.

I did a google search. I read the mommy boards. I bought an issue of “Oprah” – the one where Dr. Phil discussed sex and intimacy in marriage. I came back to Dave with a new plan. “We need to be spontaneous,” I told him. He stopped editing his PowerPoint presentation and said, “OK.” So I set about to make our household good and ready for spontaneity, and if I had not been a sleep deprived mother, I would have seen the futility in this act. I spent a month trying to open up our lives to “spur-of-the-moment” romance, but what I found was that in those times I really needed to get something done or take a break myself.

Finally my good and patient husband said, “Honey, why don’t you just take it easy? We’ll let it happen when it happens. The fact that it’s important to you is enough for me.” I stopped reading an article about making organic baby food.

“Really?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “I just said that to make you feel better.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, thanks for lying to me.”

He picked up my hand and squeezed it.

“I’m not giving up on it yet,” I told him.

“I think you’ll do better if you just relax,” he said.

“When have you ever known me to relax?” I said.

He shrugged.

So I tried meditating to help me find my calm and happy place. This was even a bigger joke than planning spontaneity. I changed from my yoga pants into a pair of ratty jeans and sat down with a glass of wine and had a good think.

There are a few mood kills for mothers, the obvious one being a crying baby, and I had tried in the past to make sure the boys were freshly diapered, fed, comfortable, and occupied with a nap or with their favorite toys. However, they could always sense some thing was going on and they would cry or scream at the top of their lungs until I went into check on them. Then they would plop back down for a nap until I went back to our bedroom and tried to get busy again.

It occurred to me that I could not consistently prevent my boys from disrupting sex in spite of my best efforts. But I could control how I reacted. And as every happy mother knows, the best way not to react is not to know.

So this Tuesday night when the husband comes home the house will be somewhat clean, dinner will be take out, the boys will be fed and possibly bathed, and I am going to have an aphrodisiac more powerful than the lingerie I’ll be wearing under my dress: noise canceling head phones.

GUEST BLOG POST: Sex and the Tired New Parents -- by Sherry Amatenstein, author, The Complete Marriage Counselor

Parenthood is a game changer for couples on the intimacy front, especially when they've spent years along together. Distancing patterns can set in soon after the birth. The husband feels left out, a third wheel, while the wife's primary emotion concerning her spouse is irritation at his lack of understanding for what she's experiencing. The dissonance is an underground burr, with both parties becoming more and more estranged. It's essential for couples to summon the energy to bring fresh eyes to the deadlocked situation. Putting aside an evening to reminise about the past and recall amorous nights and romantic holidays can be a springboard to creating a blueprint to carve out "alone time" on on ongoing basis.

Family life and mind-bending sex are not easily compatible. After years on your own timetable, suddenly you can't attack each other with abandon in every room of the house. Additionally, parents should guard against becoming too inhibited to role model for their children what a health sexual partnership can look like. This isn't about recommending blatant shows of affection in front of the children, but you want the young'uns to have role models for passion and parenting.

Couples must make a real effort to remain enthuiastic sex partners lest they devolve into being co-parents and nothing more. This means doing things that don't involve the children - anything from enagaging in volunteer work to enrolling in dance classes. And learn new sex tricks together - buy videos and toys, read erotica together (more Anais Nin than Penthouse), have a night of prolonged foreplay. These tricks do necessitate having a lock on the bedroom door!

Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW, is a couples therapist at Washington Square Institute in New York City and author of THE COMPLETE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Relationship-Saving Advice from America's Top 50 + Couples Therapists (Adams, Jan. 2010). Her website is www.marriedfaq.com.