ROBIN'S SHOW REVIEW: A Charity Case

A CHARITY CASE starring Two-Time Tony Nominee Alison Fraser, Alysia Reiner (Sideways) and Jill Shackner (Les Miserables) began previews October 28th at The Clurman Theatre( 410 West 42nd Street- between 9th and 10th Avenues) and opened November 2nd. This new play about adoption is written and directed by Australian playwright Wendy Beckett.

As an adoptive parent myself, I was intrigued by the premise. In fact, my husband and I attended with another couple who had adopted. The next day, they commented it led them to have an introspective chat about their daughter who came from an orphanage in Russia.  I didn't find it so much an inspiration for discussion but rather for gratitude. The characters in the play were so extreme in the challenges they faced, i.e. alcoholism, a mental breakdown, threats of self infliction while yearning for love and acceptance, that I considered myself fortunate to be in a "positive place" with my son.

The play asks the question....Is it possible to find yourself when you don’t understand where you came from? A 17 year old girl struggles to come of age while caught between loyalty to the self-absorbed woman (raising her as a single mother) who became her adoptive mother and curiosity about the troubled woman who gave her away at age 3 by sending her off on a train.

A CHARITY CASE features Alison Fraser (as the adoptive mother), Jill Shackner (as the adopted daughter) and Alysia Reiner (as the birthmother).

Fraser most recently starred in School For Lies at Classic Stage Company and created the role of Sister Walburga in Charles Busch’s The Divine Sister.  She is a two-time Tony Award nominee for playing Martha in The Secret Garden and Josefine in Romance/Romance.  Film and TV credits include “Between the Lions,” “Law and Order: SVU,” “Third Watch,” The Thing About My Folks” opposite Peter Falk and Paul Reiser, “In the Blood” and the upcoming “Commentary.”

Shackner has appeared on Broadway in Les Miserables and Off-Broadway in Landscape of the Body, Prince and The Pauper, Penny 4 Eyes Rock N’ Roll Show, and The Broadway Kids. Her television credits include “All My Children,” “Three Moons Over Milford,” “As the World Turns,” “Out of the Box,” “Star Search,” and “Celebrity Deathmatch,” and film credits consist of “Text Me” (NYC International Film Festival – Best Actress Nominee; Houston Comedy Film Festival – Best Actress Nominee), “Paper Man,” and “House of D.”

Reiner is an award-winning stage, screen and television actress. Recent theatre credits include Tina Modotti in Modotti, Hillary (The Public), the Obie winning An Oak Tree, Jayson with a Y (The New Group), Anais Nin:One of Her Lives, Wasps in Bed, Pentecost (Drama Desk Nom.) and the NY Premiere of Tender. Recent films include “The Vicious Kind,” “Not For Nothing” “Arranged,” “Schooled,” “ One Last Thing,” “ Sideways” TV includes recurring role of Cindy on “The Starter Wife,” “ 30 Rock,” “White Collar,” “The Sopranos,” “Blue Bloods,” “Law and Order,” “Love Monkey,” “The Jury,” “The Drew Cary Show,” “The Practice,” “Family Law” and “Jack and Jill,” and the new web series “Puppy Love.”

The acting is generally strong, particularly on the part of Fraser. When Reiner lost the hippie garb and blonde wig, she came all the more alive as an actress of poise and presence. While she exuded impassioned emotion as hippie Harpie, her costume was distracting, and her rants grew tiresome.  Shackner's appealing as the daughter, but her performance had moments of affectation. Fraser's portrayal of a dress designer/seamstress struggling with her own demons is compelling and tinged with compassion.

The play does offer disturbing moments, i.e. when Fraser, heatedly tears up the stitching of the daughter's homemade homecoming gown....and poignant moments, i.e. when Shackner quietly asks the million dollar question, "Who decides what makes a mother?"

Writer and director Wendy Beckett has written more than 25 plays (all staged) and directed more than 40 in England, France Scotland Australia and New York. A native of Australia, she has also written radio plays for the Australian Broadcasting Commission (ABC). She later went on to conduct interviews for ABC with some of the best minds of our time, including Leonard Bernstein, Yehudi Menuhin and Martha Graham. At the early age of 22, she founded her own women’s theatre company, ‘Colours Inc’ and began bringing to the stage several plays, which toured Australia. Her most notable works include Without Limits-Isadora Duncan, Anais Nin-One of Her Lives, Claudel, Losing My Religion, Love Therapy and Refugees. Her directorial credits include works by Shakespeare, The Cherry Orchard, Waiting For Godot and The Women of James Joyce. Recently, she has directed her own work, For the Love of Alma Mahler at the Sydney Opera House, accompanied by the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. She has been a university lecturer, author, librettist and journalist. Ms. Beckett’s works are collected by The Australian National Library in Canberra.

Scenic design is by David L Arsenault, with lighting design by Travis McHale and costume design by Theresa Squire.

The playing schedule for A CHARITY CASE is as follows: Tuesdays at 7pm, Wednesdays through Saturdays at 8pm, with matinees on Saturday at 2pm and Sundays at 3PM. The Clurman Theatre is on Theatre Row – 410 West 42nd Street (between 9th and 10th Avenue).  The show is 85 minutes, no intermission.

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Blink of an Eye by Robin Gorman Newman

                      
My father (above) had a stroke over a week ago, and his life changed in a flash, as did mine. In that moment, more than ever, I became acutely aware of the challenges of being a later in life mother with a young child and senior father.

G-d bless my dad. He's 93. My son is 8. I'm 51. Not the easiest of ages for any of us.

Despite the stroke, at 93, my dad hasn't for a long time felt as he'd like to. I've long tried to explain to him that I doubt anyone at 90+ feels as they'd like to, but that's never been comforting to him.

At 51, I'm in the throes of peri-menopause, and that's enough to wreak havoc on anyone.

My son, at 8, isn't little anymore but isn't grown either. He yearns to exude independence yet waivers at moments like bedtime when he asks his dad to lay with him as he falls asleep. I don't want him to grow up too quickly...though we are all aging as the clock ticks rapidly away.

Living in the moment is so key, and that's particularly evident in hindsight.

It took just seconds for my dad to lose much of his long term memory and suffer major language challenges. As bad as it is, it could have been SO much worse, and I'm grateful he didn't go down the path of major physical disability.

He'll get speech therapy, and even if his communication remains compromised, he can live a quality life. He may no longer be able to share the stories of days gone by that engaged so many. He loved to talk about growing up with famed (now deceased) ballplayer Phil Rizutto, and proudly wore a t-shirt I made up for his 90th birthday saying I PLAYED BALL WITH PHIL RIZUTTO. It was a great conversation opener when he wore it to his local pool club or on our annual family vacation to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz. Now having a conversation for my father isn't second nature.

My dad, despite his many surgeries over the years, was somewhat of a medical marvel. When he'd meet with a doctor and they asked his health history, he could describe in copious detail what surgery he had, when and where, with exact precision. Even I can't do that. I never could. But, it came with ease to my dad. Those days are over.

When he first stroked he was calling everybody Robin. It struck me as curious. At our initial meeting with the neurologist, I was in a room full of Robins...only they were my sister Barbara and Brother-in-Law Terry. I had to identify myself to the doctor as the "real" Robin." It would have been comical if the situation weren't so serious.

Seth, my son, has been a trooper. He, too, became Robin, during a visit with grandpa. He's been my tower of strength, in addition to my husband, and close friends. Seth has always had an innate sensibility and awareness of knowing how to reach out to people when they need it the most. And, he manages to do it with a maturity beyond his years. After my first visit with my dad following the stroke, I put on a brave face in his house, assisting him and his aide, but once Seth and I stepped outside and walked back to the car, I lost it.. I needed to cry, and a flood of tears consumed me. In that moment, Seth reached out and assured me that grandpa would be ok....that everything would be ok...and I believe he believed it. I was so touched by his depth of compassion and ability to put aside whatever he felt to be present for me.

I am so grateful for Seth. He touches my heart in a way I never knew a child could. And, I'm so glad he's cultivated a relationship with my father that hopefully will live on forever.

My beloved mother passed away over 10 years ago due to complications from a major stroke, and it was a tragic death in a sterile hospital room. We weren't by her bedside at the time. She was all alone. A stroke is something I've always found so unbelievably cruel. Not that cancer isn't. But, a stroke is immediately life-altering, and it's just a question of to what extent.

I'm hopeful that my dad's situation will improve over time, and that G-d willing there won't be any repeat episodes, due to preventative medication measures. I treasure having my father in my life, and the last thing I want is for him to suffer greatly. No one deserves that, and certainly not a man who has done his best to be a caring father all these years. As a parent, no one is perfect, and I recognize that. But, he's my dad...the only dad I'll ever have....and he'll always have a place in my heart....even if I'm not the only Robin to him.

GUEST BLOG POST: Creating Work-Life Balance by Diane Lang

We all struggle with work-balance. We have busy lives and at times it can all seem a bit overwhelming. The truth is you won’t always have a perfect work-life balanced life sometimes your life will be chaotic but the good news is there are tips to help you handle the overwhelming days and regain your sense of balance and happiness. Here are a few tips that can help you feel a little more balance is your daily life.

1. We feel the pressure from both work and home but if you don’t like your job, you will feel it more often. If you have a Career instead of a job, you will feel happier going to your office. You will have “Flow” at work. Time will pass quicker and you will enjoy your day if you’re doing what you love. Most of us spend at least 60 hours a week working (this includes e-mails, calls and texts even after 5pm) add your commute and you realize how much time you really spend at work. If you’re doing something you don’t enjoy, you will feel it right away. As a mom, you have to remember you have two jobs. The first being a mom, the second is your job outside of the home. If you’re not happy at your outside job it will affect your role as a mom. Follow your passions and feel more balanced.

2. Home time – when your home, spend some real time with your family. This means set some time aside for family time without taking calls/texts from work. Dinner time is very important. It’s not just about what you eat, it’s about communication. This is the time for everyone to discuss their day. Ask questions that need more then a yes or no answer to keep the discussion going.

3. Live in the here and now – people feel stressed when they focus on the past even though it’s gone and they worry about the future that isn’t here yet. Use your past to learn from and plan for your future but live in the here and now. Live in the moment! It’s like the saying goes: Stop and smell the flowers. When you live in the moment, you will enjoy your life; this is a great lesson to teach your kids. Your kids learn through role modeling, observation and imitation, let them see you enjoying each and every moment.

4. Set a long term goal (1 -5 years). Set up short term goals to reach that long term goal. Make both goals realistic. The key word is “Realistic”. If your goals aren’t realistic, you will feel overwhelmed and will procrastinate. If they are realistic, you will accomplish them and with each accomplishment you will feel a sense of positive reinforcement which will motivate you to move forward and reach your long term goals.

5. NO- Learn to say no. Practice makes it easier. I wish there was another way around it but the truth is the more you say no, the easier it will get. I know a lot of people have a hard time saying no due to guilt or fear of hurting someone’s feelings but the truth is when you say YES but mean NO, you only hurt yourself. You becomes stressed and then angry at yourself. Say no.

6. Mental breaks – throughout your day make sure to take mental health breaks – this is 15-20 minutes to breathe, take a walk, refuel, grab a bite to eat, etc. I remember at my first job (many years ago) every four hours of work we would get a 20 minute break. This should be the rule even if your self-employed, stay at home mom, etc. make sure you give yourself that 20 minute break. When you take small breaks, you will feel refreshed and more creative/productive.

7. Start the day off with extra time – wake up 10-15 minutes earlier then your family this gives you “me” time to get up, stretch, have coffee or just wake up before the chaos of the day starts. You will feel more refreshed to handle the day.

8. Support system – to feel balanced and happy, we need a small support system. We need 4-5 people in our lives that we trust and can call upon if needed.

9. Vacation time – make sure to actually use your vacation/personal time at your job. It’s there for a reason. Unfortunately, a lot of us don’t use our days at all and most only use some. We need leisure time. It gives us a reward (positive reinforcement), something to look forward to and socialization. Plan your vacation with your family, it gives everyone something to look forward to and if you plan it together, you will pick a place that everyone will enjoy which means you can all have a great vacation!

Lang’s first book Baby Steps: the Path from Motherhood to Career, stresses striving for balance, health and happiness rather than “having it all.”  She offers a workshop “The Mom Series” in the NY metro area, to assist mothers returning to work.  Seminar topics include postpartum depression, overcoming guilt, finding a new identity in the workplace, plus interviewing, networking, etc.  Lang contributes to Working Mother and parenting blogs and is an Adjunct Professor in Psychology at Montclair State University and Dover Business College. Mother to eight year old daughter Lauren, she holds an M.A. in Counseling and a B.A. in Liberal Arts from the New York Institute of Technology. Visit http://www.dlcounseling.com.

Choices by Robin Gorman Newman

Last weekend, I ran into a father of a boy who Seth is friends with. He's a year younger and attends a different local school, so they don't see each other all that much, but they have fun when they do get together. The dad is a stay at home father (SAHF)...the second one I know of with that status. His wife works fulltime, and while he has investments, she is their primary bread earner. As I understand it, based on what he's shared, this is something they agreed to when they took on the role of parenting. Their son is adopted, as is Seth, and we, in fact, met them at an adoption picnic when the boys were young, hosted by the mutual adoption attorney we shared. Coincidentally, they lived in our town, so we became friends.

Because the mom works fulltime, and sometimes long hours, I haven't gotten to know her all that well. Whereas, the dad and I have had lunch and play dates with the kids.

I always felt they seems like two very different peas in a pod....but sometimes that can keep a relationship interesting, so I presumed it worked. I guess it did for a while....or so it seemed.

I found out this week that, in fact, they are in the throes of divorce. The dad was very surprised I didn't already know since he felt like the town was abuzz with the news. I'm not one to buy much into gossip, though I do enjoy my share of celebrity rag magazines, but that's about people I don't know and likely never will. So, I explained I hadn't heard anything.

I felt badly, and told him. He said not to feel badly...that he didn't....though I wasn't entirely sure. They have a young son, and I asked how he was taking it, and he said "ok." I added that "kids are resilient," trying to interject a dose of positivity.

I didn't want to pry, but asked what had happened with the marriage? At first he seemed a bit mum, but then opened up, and I felt as if I was one of the few he could comfortably share with. I wasn't looking to judge. He said that she'd been making nasty remarks about him around town, and that many he considered his friend were turning against him...believing her. That, more than anything, stunned me. "Then they're not real friends," I replied. He said they commented that they thought they knew him but were now realizing there was more to him...in a negative way...than meets the eye. That got me wondering, then, how do you define a friend? If someone I called a "friend" were to react that way to me, I'd expect way more than judgment, especially based on the comments of a soon to be ex spouse seemingly on the warpath. Wouldn't they know me better than that? If not, then I'd question my ability to choose friends. I like to consider myself discerning.

He said his wife was changing the plan. She is 51, and decided that she wants a house in town (they live in an apartment) and a country home and that the lifestyle they've created isn't what she has in mind. She wants him to get a job...even at Home Depot....and be a "man."

He and I agreed that his getting a minimum wage part time job at Home Depot would not alter their lifestyle in any significant way. And, that he had gone back to school to pursue a Masters so he could one day teach, and this had been the plan when they adopted their son. One of them wanted to be home to be with their child, otherwise some of their respective salaries would go toward childcare.

What it sounded like to me was a gal having some midlife second thoughts. Time does go fast, and she decided she wanted more. She is entitled to happiness, as is the father....as is their young son.

It made me realize that life is complicated. None of us know exactly what we've signed on for. No one has a crystal ball.

We choose a mate....if we get married...and hope we've picked wisely. Though, time can change things...whether out of fear, frustration or clarity.

We choose to become parents...and especially if we adopt...we hope we've picked wisely. Though no child comes with an A+ report card from birth.

If we work, we choose a career path that hopefully inspires us, but that's not always the case. Many work strictly out of necessity.

We all do the best with can with the roads we travel, but our actions do impact others. And, as parents, our children are the innocent bystanders. They look to us for love and guidance...and if we can't guide ourselves, then navigating for them becomes all the more challenging.

I do hope that his mom and dad will ultimately find their own happiness, and I trust that their son will feel no less loved, even as he goes on to live in two separate homes. No one said parenting is an easy job....and no one ever said that life comes with a guarantee.

GUEST BLOG POST: Raising Financially Savvy Kids by Linda and Richard Eyre

One of the most frequent mistakes parents make, and one that is actually easier to make by more financially established parents, is to give kids license too early and responsibility too late.

In an effort to give our children every advantage, we sometimes inadvertently give them the negative and unintentional gift of indulgence. By giving them too much, we take away their chance to develop self-motivation, self-discipline, self-esteem, and self-control.

All of these self-developed gifts are fostered by an environment of responsibility, equity, and perceived ownership; and they are undermined by an environment of entitlement.

When kids are given too much, when they don’t have to work for anything or wait for anything, they lose motivation and initiative—they even lose creativity and the ability to figure out what they really want and how to get it.

Furthermore, when they demand and are given whatever they want, they do not perceive real ownership and thus have no sense of pride or inclination to care for and protect things.

On the other hand, if they work for something, or save for it, or sacrifice or give something up for it, they feel a true, earned ownership that is the prerequisite to responsibility and the antidote to entitlement.

It is relatively easy to change your household from an “entitlement economy” to an “enterprise economy.” Eliminate hand-out allowances and institute a new family system of earning, budgeting, saving, and choosing. Get a big wooden box with an impressive lock and designate it as the family bank, in which kids can have accounts. Get them checkbooks so they can put money into the bank with a deposit slip and get it out by writing a check. Explain that a certain amount of money comes into the family and that those who share in the work deserve a part of the income. Negotiate and assign tasks from dishes to cleaning common areas of the home and even include things like the timely finishing of homework and music practice. Have kids keep track of their completed tasks with a pegboard or chart or computer program that requires a parents’s approval. Change Saturday from “allowance day” to “payday” where a well-performing child can earn enough to buy “all his own stuff” rather than having to ask you for it. Have him bring his checkbook to the store and write checks to you (on the family bank) for what he wants, always keeping track of his balance in his check register. Have the bank pay interest on money saved. Make your home and family economy into a little microcosm of the real world and the real economy.

By focusing on preparing our children to live in the real world and the real economy, we can also create a home environment where money, instead of being the thing that spoils and entitles children, can be the raw material with which they learn to work, to save, to wait, to budget, and to give. And that, when you think about it, is a pretty good definition of “responsibility.”

Richard and Linda Eyre are among the most popular speakers in the world on parenting and families. The authors of numerous books, including the #1 New York Times bestseller, Teaching Your Children Values, as well as others like The 5 Spiritual Solutions for Parents, and How to talk to your Child about Sex, the Eyres are the parents of nine and the grandparents of 21. They live in Park City, Utah.  For further details on setting up a “family economy,” see their new book THE ENTITLEMENT TRAP: How to Rescue Your Child with a New Family System of Choosing, Earning, and Ownership (Avery paperback original; September 2011; $18.00). 

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Christine Pisera Naman, author of “Faces of Hope: Babies Born on 9/11” and “Faces of Hope, 10 Years Later”

Q: On 9/11, an estimated 10,000 children were born including your own son, Trevor. (Christine was 38 years old). I’m assuming that your experience formed the basis for your book. Please tell me more about this.

A: Having a baby on any day is a unique experience, having a baby on 9/11 was particularly unique. One does not often shed tears of sadness as well as tears of joy on the same day. But I did. Holding a new life in my arms was joyous. Watching our country being attacked was devastating. My own experience did form the basis for the books. I wanted to reach out to others who just might be feeling the same as I was.

Q: Can you share with us a little about the mechanics of compiling the book: how hard was it to find and interview your subjects (since they came from all 50 states)? Also, did you find regional differences in perceptions about 9/11? That is, the further from NYC you traveled, did greater observations prevail?

A: My method for compiling the books was extremely simple. I started with an internet search of baby announcements in newspapers throughout the U.S. Then simply found phone numbers and called, introduced myself then asked if they would be a part of my project of hope. I often say that remarkably, I made just about 50 phone calls to find the 50 babies. The reception from the parents was great. I found that people were pretty much equally touched by the tragedies of 9/11. Close and far it was heart breaking for all.


Q: As a mother of three children, how difficult/easy was it to present these babies in their glory – a group whose collective presence often represents new beginnings and, of course, the blank slate/freshness that only young children can provide?

A: It was easy to present the children with positive freshness and new hope. Just looking at their photos it is impossible to see anything else.

Q: In your original book, you frame the innocence of children around an event representing one of darkness or of the greatest evils of mankind. Please share some of your feelings around this dichotomy.

A: Without being political, I wanted to convey to America first & the world second that in spite of the great evil inflicted on our country that day, there was still a bright future ahead. A future that will be shaped by these beautiful innocent faces who glow with hope & optimism for a world that will see good. And that will happen through them, the representatives of a generation born on that awful day.

Q: One tragedy of death is that the deceased is often celebrated in a way that might not have happened in life. It appears as if this might be the case with Christina Taylor Green (your Colorado representative), the young girl who was killed in the shootings surrounding Gabrielle Gifford; a girl whose story of courage, hope and intent resonated around the world. Can you share some of your personal experiences with her and the message you might have taken away from her tragic passing?
 A: Christina represented Maryland in the book. Unfortunately, I did not have the privilege of knowing Christina personally but do know through talks with her mother that she was a truly remarkable little girl who did much good and made the world a better place in her short life. Senseless killing is impossible to make sense of.

Q: Having reconnected with these families and children 10 years later, how have their parents’ perceptions of that day changed? What is overall consensus of that date by the now 9 to 10 year olds?


A: I think like most people feel when they look back on 9/11 the parents can remember who they were with, what they were doing and how they felt. It is one of those days that feels like a long time ago then at the same time feels like just yesterday. Speaking with the parents, their perceptions seem to not have changed much. They remember the joy as well as the heartbreak they felt. As far as the children go, I think they have grown to feel a certain bit of responsibility to add goodness to our world because of the date of their birth. And that is what we as parents hope they will do.


Q: You were quoted as saying that “it’s impossible not to feel blessed when you hold a new life and new hope in your arms…I began to realize that my baby…had a very special purpose. (Regarding the other children) They were born to provide life, hope and goodness to a world on a day when it needed it most.” It’s obvious that your connection to motherhood has provided you with the impetus for many of your books. Can you discuss this further?

A: I always felt I needed to express my spirituality. Faces of Hope could obviously not have been planned, but when circumstances placed those two events together (the 9/11 attacks & the birth of Trevor), they acted like a catalyst and I felt the need to put together Faces of Hope. Had one event happened without the other, I am not sure I would have had the impetus to write it. Motherhood fed those emotional flames ignited by the attacks.


Q: How does being a midlife mother frame your perceptions of motherhood? How has it impacted your children?

A: I don’t really know how being a midlife mother frames my perceptions, hopefully being older and having a bit more life experience than younger moms helps me some. I feel that we become better mothers learning from prior experiences & making sure not to repeat “rookie” mistakes we may have made when we were younger & “greener”.


Q: Finally, what life lessons do you believe that mothers, and especially (new) older mothers, can take away from your books?


A: The only life lessons I hope anyone of any age will take from my books is to simply live life to the fullest, take what life gives you and find the hope in it all.

Christine Pisera Naman is an author, wife and mother. She lives in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania with her husband Peter and three children Jason, Natalie and Trevor. She enjoys eating out, window shopping, long walks and reading and writing. Her other works include Caterpillar Kisses, Christmas Lights and The Believers.

The Art of Surrender for Mothers by Leta Hamilton

During those years of our lives we call “motherhood,” the act of surrender begins from the very moment of conception. Whether or not we have been able to naturally conceive, nature chronicles a list of events over which our minds have little or no control. What we want and what we receive are not always the same. Take my current pregnancy, for example.

Like any responsible married couple, my husband and I have always taken family planning seriously. I started out our marriage on the pill until we felt ready to enter the world of parenting. Then I had our first child (a son) and went back on birth control until we were ready for the next one. That did not turn out to be so easy. Almost 3 years and a miscarriage later, we finally did have that second baby (another son). Next there came an impromptu pregnancy that really did not fit into the “responsible parenting” category. We played with fire and our third son is the outcome. He’s cute and we love him, but we thought, “Three really is a lot. Let’s stop while we are ahead.”

Enter the vasectomy. My husband very willingly had this procedure to keep the number of children to three. Two years later, I was wondering why I seemed to be gaining weight when I was jogging every day and eating a very healthy diet. The lack of menstrual cycles had an excuse in the fact that I was still breastfeeding our 2 year old. The sore nipples were chalked down to his teeth. My head was buried deeply in the sand until I started feeling the butterfly movements of a fetus.

Why is it that I am pregnant again with a fourth child (another son) when some women are unable to conceive even once? The physical reasons for this do not diminish the fact that in birth and parenting, life can seem awfully unfair. The act of surrender reveals itself to be the only alternative when faced with circumstances that are not of our conscious choosing. I have had to surrender my feelings about having a fourth child, my career as an author and radio show host and many other ideas onto which I clung about my family and life.

Letting go of what we “wanted” to embrace what is, is an art. It takes practice. It takes time. Over the last 2 months, I have learned to surrender this pregnancy, this new baby, this unexpected new direction in our family life and so much more because, quite frankly, I really did not have another choice. This baby wants to be here. It chose us for his parents and it kept really quiet until there was no turning back. Other options like surrogacy and adoption do not feel like choices. It is our baby and we will welcome him into the fold.

What occurs for each of us will be unique to the individual circumstances of our lives. However, to surrender all that we are unable to control or manipulate is a universal movement for which we can support and embrace. I cannot explain into fairness why I am “blessed” with a child that was not planned (in fact, was proactively planned against!) and another woman is unable to have even one child. What I can do is ask friends and family to understand my feelings of reservation and spend a certain amount of time each day in quiet meditation to emotionally let go of all my previous expectations so that there is room for what is really happening.

Surrender allows us to be grateful for the things happening in our life, no matter how unfair it may seem on the surface. It is all a learning experience. This pregnancy is teaching me the art of surrender. With an effort that follows conscious realization that there are things over which I am powerless, I can let go of previously adopted notions about who and what I am “supposed” to be in this world and, instead, embrace the me that is here right now writing these words.

I am big. I am overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby. I am scared. I am also incredibly fortunate to have a husband who loves me, 3 beautiful sons who will adore their new baby brother and an extended network of family and friends upon whom I can rely during the intervening years of parenting a house of testosterone! It is what it is. Surrender has, by necessity, become an art at which I am gratefully adept.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.

GUEST BLOG POST: Letting Go Stirs Us Up by Loren Buckner

I lost a ring recently. It belonged to my grandmother. She gave it to my mother, who gave it me. I was planning on giving it to my daughter. I've turned the house upside down looking for it. I thought I knew where it was, but when I went for it, it was gone.

The interesting thing about this is that when I knew where the ring was I never thought about it. Now that it has disappeared, I can't get it out of my mind. To feel better, I remind myself that no one is sick and no one has died. I've lost a thing not a loved one. Loss has a trickle down effect, though; one loss flows into others.

As parents, we tend to think about what it means to have children. We don’t focus very much on how difficult it is to let go of them. We know it's important to be present in their lives and we want them to know that they can count on us. There's an inherent problem, however, that catches many parents, mothers especially, by surprise. As we create meaningful relationships with our children, we also become deeply attached to them.

Feeling this deep connection is wonderful. It helps our kids develop inner security and self-confidence. Watching them grow up and away from us is a source of pride and joy but it's also sometimes painful.

Separation begins early. Allowing babies to amuse themselves alone in their cribs and encouraging them to reach out toward other people begins the process. As we support separation, children will look forward to starting school, making friends, trying new things. Eventually they learn to drive and finally go off to college or out into the workforce. It’s a step-by-step repetitive process of their leaving and returning, leaving and returning. Our task is to face the emotional storms these milestones stir up.

I can still remember how I cried as I prepared to stop nursing my children. When I left them at daycare, I could hardly bring myself to walk out the door. I couldn’t wait for them to go off to camp, but then I missed them terribly every day they were away. As much as I was ready for our son to go off to college, it hurt my heart that he was really gone. And when it was time to launch our daughter, I was excited and proud. But the reality that she was grown and ready to fly also made me feel sad and lonely.

Don't get me wrong. My children's developmental milestones generated feelings of relief and delight. As they became more independent, I loved the growing sense of freedom that went along with it. When arguments about bedtime, homework time, and mall time became things of the past, it felt pretty darn good. And when the worry about where they were and who they were with was finally over, there was cause to celebrate.

Nevertheless, part of the normal parenting process also includes mourning. Feelings of sadness and loss that we have to address over and over as our children grow and change.

Mourning our losses may seem like a painful idea. “Shouldn’t I try to forget about my sadness and move on?”

Mourning is painful but not mourning is painful too. Holding our feelings inside and denying their existence doesn’t mean our feelings are gone. It’s a little like leaving food in the refrigerator for too long. At first we are completely unaware the onion is even in there. But, gradually, the whole refrigerator smells bad.

Grieving is like taking the onion out and wiping down the inside of the fridge. Not a chore we like to do but one we feel better about after it’s done.

“So, what do I have to do? Sit around and cry all day?” Not exactly. Mourning is allowing our thoughts and feelings to wash over us: crying, remembering, laughing, thinking about the good times and the bad ones too. From time to time, allow what comes to mind to linger there.

Although the ring is probably gone, I'll keep looking for it. I know now that the feelings it has triggered go beyond the ring itself. I still miss my mom, who died many years ago, and I'm feeling a little sidelined as my kids lead their busy lives.

These emotions I'm feeling aren't easily put into words. They're a fact of life, a normal everyday occurrence. And yet, I mourn for these losses as I get ready to start my day.

The author of ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life and How To Deal With Them, Loren Buckner, LCSW received a B.A in the Administration of Justice from American University and earned a Master of Social Work degree from Tulane University. She is a Fellow at the International Psychotherapy Institute, a member of the Chinese American Psychoanalytic Alliance, and a member of the Tampa Bay Psychoanalytic Society. Loren Buckner lives in Tampa, Florida, where she is in private practice as a psychotherapist. She is the mother of two grown children and has been married for over thirty years. A sought-after speaker and presenter, Loren has addressed local, national and international groups about the emotional challenges of raising children


Visit Loren Buckner on the web at: http://www.parentwisebook.com/.

Do as I Say, Not as I Do…uh…Did - by Elizabeth Allen

Hypocrite: a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.


I keep finding these little tiny glitches in the system of “parenthood later”. One of them has to do with budding behaviors, attitudes and episodes my 16 year old exhibits that are fairly tantamount to me when I was 16. Now, that said, there are some major differences between the two of us as sweet-sixteeners, not the least of which is 36 years. Am I wrong in thinking parents with a narrower age difference can work these glitches out with more efficiency? Are their behaviors better emulated because they didn’t have the extra time to make more mistakes?

It was a different time and different circumstances. I hit upon 16 in 1975, the product of enormous dysfunction with a wild streak that even Paris Hilton would envy. I had a fake id and was drinking alcohol with friends. I smoked pot (and yes, I inhaled). I was sexually active because I needed love and if a boy wanted me that way, that meant I must be loveable. I ran away twice before the very real threat of juvy inspired me to cool my jets until I could legally run away once and for all at 18. I had an argument with my mother during a drive from Tampa to Atlanta and threw her out of the car somewhere near Valdosta. I didn’t actually throw her from a moving vehicle; just forced her out physically and watched her expression of disbelief in the rearview mirror as I called her bluff by actually driving away. I didn’t go back.

Not a very nice kid. Yeah, well. I’m not proud of that last stunt but over time I did develop skills which have made me who I am today. And I’m very proud of how I turned out. You can develop some pretty nice muscles when you pull yourself up from rock bottom on your own.

On to my daughter. Let me say right up front that she is not a drug-using, sexually active, ruthless chip off the old block. Quite the contrary. She knows all about drugs and has no desire to indulge (but if she did and/or her friends entice her, we talk about it honestly and I would insist they partake within the safe confines of our home…and save me a hit). She was not bounced on the knees of two parents who hated each other, but rather, witnesses daily a mom and dad who are nuts in love. And who love her more than air. That alone gives her value and confidence; no gap that she needs to fill artificially with drugs, sex or anger. She hasn’t thrown me out of the car yet, but she still has her learner’s permit…

So all things considered, she’s really a great kid. The similarities I speak of are mostly an attitude imbalance. She’s tough on me; she yells a lot and she has virtually no patience. In short, I exasperate her. Exactly how I treated my mom. It doesn’t help that she’s hormonal and I’m premenopausal. But while I don’t see her following in my unpleasant footsteps on the road to her evolution, I have to anticipate there may be some detours I didn’t expect. And when those deviations pop up, how do I, in good conscience, tell her “no”? I guess, like any parent, regardless of my unsavory, reckless and fairly debauched youth, I’ll cross those bridges when I come to them.

I just hope this particular fruit fell way far from the tree.

CYMA SHAPIRO CHATS WITH: Dr. Carl Pickhardt

Dr. Pickhardt, before I begin my questions regarding your book and the wonderful premise and theory behind it, I’d like to pick your brain and offer you some common (mis)conceptions regarding young adults who return to their parent’s home after years of independent living.

Let’s see what this line of questioning provides the reader:

1) Perhaps one of the greatest family “secrets” is the adult child who comes to live back home, and the parents who provide “excuses” for his/her doing so. Can you better explain this co-dependent existence?

Keeping an adult child's return home a "secret" makes it sound like a source of shame/blame/criticism/guilt -- for the child, for the parents, for who? How sad, adding all that painful and unnecessary emotional baggage to a healthy and normal event! About 40% of young people in their twenties, having not yet found or having lost their independent footing, spend some time living back home for a while, if they are fortunate enough to have loving parents able to lend a helping hand. Nothing is "wrong." Something is "right." Family is a support system that hopefully is available to all members when times of need arise -- just like aging parents will increasingly turn to their grown children for support and care. Rather than be ashamed, be grateful.

2) The current economy is producing an environment where recent grads can’t often financially make it on their own. Do you feel that this societal conundrum is promulgating a mass exodus to ones’ original household?

Certainly hard economic times make it harder to find and keep employment, particularly employment of the well paying kind. Low pay, however, does not keep young people who are determined to live independently from finding a way to do so, without traditional comforts and on the cheap. Those young people who cannot tolerate this lifestyle drop, and who have parents who are willing, do return home to continue enjoying the standard of living to which they have become accustomed growing up.

3) Today’s young adults believe that just following in their parent’s footsteps will produce much “fruit,” but often without much of the “labor.” This ideological belief causes many of them to fail, and return back home. What do you think?

Young people who have become accustomed to part-time work during high school and college tend to have a pretty realistic view of "labor" it takes to create the "fruit" of self-support. Those without any hardworking history of self-support, however, may find working hard for not very much pay not to their liking, and so return home for a while to ponder the work it's going to take to live independently.

Q: What prompted you to write a book about children who return back home after years of independence?

A: From counseling families over the years, I've seen a lot of empty nests get temporarily refilled when young people get into crisis and come back home to recover before trying independence again. I wrote this book to help parents understand that when their teenager graduates from high school, he or she does not enter young adulthood, but begins the last and hardest stage of adolescence, trial independence (ages 18 - 23,) The book is intended to be a primer for parents to help them understand the challenges of this final adolescent stage, extend their care and empower their returning son of daughter during an awkward time, when neither was expecting this family reunion. Now there this more growing up to do and much meaningful (mentoring) parenting that can be done.

Q: Children have always returned back to the nest having: recently graduated, lost a job, divorced, moved away, etc. Do you see this trend as increasing? If so, why?

A: To what degree this trend is increasing, I don't know, although census figures I seen reported do suggest more young people in their twenties are living (at least for a while) in the parental home. Why this is so may partly have to do with the rapidly changing society in which we live making it harder for young people today to find a stable independent footing than in earlier, simpler times.

Q: Parents of children who “fail” often feel personally responsible for their children’s failures. Through their own denial, these parents agree to take their children back home. Does the healing need to take place between the children and their parents, or within the parents, themselves?

A: Why treat return as a "failure?" All the boomerang means is that a first attempt at independence didn't result in catching hold, so the return is a chance to learn from the attempt, recover resolution, and get ready to try independence again. The only "failure" here is the failure of grown child and parents to gather positive energy instead of wasting it on pointless, and harmful, self-recrimination.

Q: What suggestions can you offer parents whose children are: broke, alone, jobless, homeless, purposeless other than to live back home?

A: When parents agree to accept a child's return to live at home, it has to be a conditional, working stay. There needs to be an agreed upon duration of return, agreed upon household terms, and agreed upon objectives to be accomplished. If a son or daughter is in no state to make or keep these commitments, then it may be best to provide some short term temporary financial support for separate lodging, perhaps arrange for some psychological help, continuing to provide committed parental love and faith, all in the hope that these may help the young person find a way to regain their independent footing.

Q: What positivity can be gained by taking a child back into one’s home?

A: A huge amount can be gained by a boomerang home. Most important, parents and older child can learn to live on mutual terms that set the stage for a constructive adult relationship in the years ahead. In addition, parents can learn to respect the right and responsibility of their child to make independent decisions, while the child comes to value the wisdom of life experience that parents have to offer. And in the best scenarios, both enjoy this unexpected extended time living together that they are not likely to ever have again.

Q: What tips can you offer parents and their children regarding this often tense living arrangement?

A: A lot of tension can be avoided when adequate setting of household terms and clarifying of expectations are done at the outset of the stay. If, however, the tension results from unresolved conflicts and unhealed hurt feelings, then this is the time to get some family counseling to work these issues through.

Q: Do you believe that it’s a parent’s “job” to take their young adult/children back into the home if it’s financially feasible?

A: I believe that having children is not a commitment that ends when they leave home, but is life long, and that works two ways: first the old caretake their young, then the young caretake their old.

Q: What do you say to (out of work, unemployed, financially troubled) parents who encourage their child to return back home, for the family’s greater financial gain?

A: Far better to ask your grown child for financial support directly than to indirectly engineer his or her living back with you so you can live off them.

Carl Pickhardt, PhD, and author, Boomerang Kids, is a psychologist in a private conseling practice. He received his BA and MD from Harvard, and his PhD from the University of Texas at Austin. He is a member of the American and Texas psychological associations. Dr. Pickhardt is married with four grown children and one grandchild.

Like Fine Wine by Elizabeth Allen

No matter how it came about, you are an older parent. Regardless of whether the decision to wait was physical, emotional or occupational, here we are. And now that we’re here, generally speaking, most people expect we are more mature. That our decisions are well thought out and we excel at time management and prioritizing. Heck, younger parents and parents-to-be come to us for advice. We must be better parents because we approach each decision with poise, experience, and a business-like attitude.


NOT!

Okay, maybe some of us are just that organized and well thought out. A chosen few have the skills, patience and necessary deafness to carefully plan out the week ahead: business meetings, school lunches, after-school practice, balance the budget, night out with the girls (which is often reduced to the girl since their schedules overwhelm) and if lucky—very lucky—sex with your spouse or significant other while still fairly conscious and willing.

I can’t say that older is better when it comes to parenting as a rule. Unlike red wine, there is no guarantee parents get better with age. As you can see from my previous post or if you’re brave enough to read my books, being older certainly didn’t make my parents wise, loving or stable. But then, they were always like that. Even before they had children.

In fact, I’ve noticed during my vast years of observation that most people don’t really mellow with age. Quite the opposite. Most habits, mannerisms, idiosyncrasies and general attitudes actually seem to exaggerate over time. Just imagine. That little snorting sort of laugh of his that you barely tolerate will morph into a blustering guffaw in years to come. Don’t believe me? Ask your parents or grandparents.

And it ain’t just the giggles or political views…Can we talk nose hair? But I digress.

So, does the age of the parent really make a difference with respect to maturity? I say no. Not really. Details and circumstances aside, whatever sort of parent you would’ve been at 25, so you will be at 40. You might scream “I said NO!” a little louder and with less fortitude. You might get winded sooner pushing your little one on the two-wheeler the first few times. You might even stress about being too old a grandparent some day. (Aren’t grandparents supposed to be old?)

But you are probably more head-over-heels in love with your children than you could have ever imagined. I believe that older parents view their kids as more of committed relationship and less of a chore. And it’s that level of mature love—that realization that can only come with time—that makes it just a bit better.

Now if we could just do something about these freaking chin hairs…

Under the Wire - by Elizabeth Allen

I was the last in line—the youngest child born to my mother when she was 39-years-old. My brother popped in fifteen months earlier when she was a sprightly 37, but my sister won the trophy for first born when Mom was a more conventional 27. My sister had twelve years as an only child to a young-ish mother with energy garnering her enthusiasm and attention. Did it really make a difference? And to whom?


That depends on who you ask.

Let’s start with me. Sometimes I feel like I got the raw end of the deal. Mom was exhausted by the time I laid my childish demands for attention upon her. She didn’t have the energy to play with me—not without caffeine or stimulants (which I accidently swallowed after she recklessly dropped them on the floor and my two-year-old mind decided they were M&M’s). She was quickly burnt-out on the whole motherhood experience and was feeling like she hadn’t made her mark in the world so evenings were dedicated to community theatre rehearsals and performances. When Mom was home, she was desperately unhappy in her marriage to my father and since I was the baby and the last entity in the house that technically needed her, she vented her misery on me before I’d turned ten. As if all that wasn’t enough, I had the least amount of time with Mom before she passed away.

My slightly older brother didn’t seem to care about the amount of attention or lack of it he got from Mom. He was very intellectual from a very young age and was buried in books and education. Of course, looking back now, that may have been his escape from the ever-present dysfunction in the house. Yep, probably was. Once he was off to college, he never looked back.

That just leaves my sister. She may have had the roost to herself for a dozen years, but once my brother and I came along, she was gainfully employed as a full-time babysitter. But those first twelve years were hardly a cake-walk. Mom dragged my sister through five marriages—four step-fathers. The lessons that little girl observed regarding men, women and relationships were so twisted and perverse, it was no wonder she married the first schmuck who proposed when she was seventeen to get out of that cuckoo’s nest. Of course, she married a psychotic schmuck but let’s not get into that.

So what the heck is my point? Truth be told, it got lost somewhere in my rant up above. Oh wait! Found it. Does it make a difference to siblings if the parent is older or younger? I believe it has to. Certainly my example is not the norm (and I pray none of you or your children ever go through anything like that!) but despite the insanity, there are common elements—energy, enthusiasm, and attention.

Older mothers just don’t have as much energy, especially if there are several kids. Someone’s going to get short-changed, but that’s just the way it is.

I find, however, that enthusiasm and attention go hand in hand. Lots, if not most, older mothers these days are career women. How much time can you carve out of your routine to devote to your child (or children)? As a full-time financial advisor and part-time writer, I can see how the demands of my aspirations have impacted my daughter. Becoming a mother was one of the single most important decisions of my life, but as I traversed my forties and early fifties, I too, like my mother, felt the need to leave my mark. My daughter has been conditioned ever since she was a baby to understand mommy goes to work, but once I started writing in the evenings, she felt cheated. I argued and rationalized that writing was important to me and this is something I need to do for me and don’t you want mommy to do something that makes her happy? And almost before I knew it, I had nearly argued and rationalized myself right out of the most important relationship of my life.

Would I have gone through this mid-life crisis had she been born ten or twenty years earlier? Probably not. I was a selfish idiot in my twenties and a bit of a career-nomad with no discernible direction. And considering I skirted three engagements, I was well on the way to matching my own mother’s record. So, all things considered, it’s good we waited.

Thank God my daughter is not afraid to communicate and I listen to her. Now my writing time is scheduled when it doesn’t impact our precious mother/daughter time.

Like now.

GUEST BLOG POST: 10 Things My Kids Tell Me with Their Hearts by Leta Hamilton

In our family, bedtime is a special time of day when I can focus on my kids without the distractions of media and TV. It gives me a chance to listen with my whole self and not the divided self that juggles work, dinner, dishes and demands from three children, who have their own perspectives on the world.

It is during the bedtime routine that they talk to me with their hearts. They know I am there for them and won’t run off to answer an “important” email (like anything could be more important than my kids, the cultivating of their souls and the joy they bring to the earth). If I were a seamstress, I would make bed sheets of the top ten things they have told me with their hearts during the hour we spend before bedtime brushing teeth, reading stories and just talking. My sheets would read:

• Take time to play with me and learn from the point-of-view of a child whose world is full of curiosity, discovery and diligent determination to understand new surroundings.

• You are only as grown-up as your last birthday – life is a continuing journey, and we shouldn’t be disappointed with ourselves for not knowing then what we know now or what we are just learning.

• If the day seems to be going completely crazy, then a good option is to just sit down and read a book or take a nap.

• Nothing is more important than love – the love you give, the love you receive and the love you grow through kind words and genuine deeds.

• The more tips you give me about life the better. I am learning from your example, so talk to me often about what it all means and there is less chance I’ll be totally confused.

• Your words make a difference. Am I “naughty” or is the thing I just did an uncooperative choice for the good of all? Please refrain from giving the message that I am “bad” in and of myself.

• I love you. I love spending time with you. I love making things with you. I love sharing my life with you. Can we spend a portion of each day just telling each other how much we love and appreciate the other?

• I make mistakes sometimes and so do you. Let’s learn the art of forgiveness together.

• What you did yesterday is a distant memory. What I did is too. The time is now. The time is always now.

• If you can learn from me as much as I learn from you, then we both will be enlightened during this journey toward my adulthood. It’s a learning curve for both of us. I have lots to teach you. Are you ready to be a student?

If I had these 10 things printed on my kids’ sheets and was forced to read at least one of them every night while tucking them in, I would be a much less neurotic mother. They are telling me all the time through their antics that life is about more than how successful I am as a radio show producer or writer. It is their wisdom from the heart that reminds me that I am the sum of my inner most beliefs about myself and they give me the courage to continually search within to remove the obstacles that are keeping me from being at least mostly at peace.

What I “do” is not nearly as influential as who I “am” in the world. With kids to keep me on my toes, I can strive to always be the highest version of myself: that person I want to be. In this way, I know I am a better mother and they reward me with their words of affirmation and cuddles. If not all of the time, then enough of the time to let me know I am on the right track. Their hearts speak volumes, and I am learning to listen.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Author Donna Scrima-Black

Q: What was your inspiration for writing "MommyBest: 13 Inspirational Lessons Derek and Dylan's Moms (and maybe yours) Never Learned in School"?
A: I had two major inspirations: my two boys, my two joys! First and foremost, it’s my way of paying tribute to the greatest gifts ever bestowed upon me - giving birth in my mid-thirties to my first and then second son—18 months later. It’s also my way of shouting out to the world: “Hey, do you women out there feel the same as I do, blown away by the transformative journey you’ve taken into motherhood? What happens to the carefully laid-out itinerary for our lives once we have children? Like me, do you need to connect with other moms about traveling into these unchartered waters, often losing your way? Do you need some Cliffs Notes and a way to share your thoughts about discovering which choices make the most sense for you to live the life you and your family so desire? “

Q: What are some of the lessons you offer the readers?
A: The lessons found in MommyBest are designed for “everyday” moms and aspiring moms who are the real “Superstars” in changing the lives of those they touch! MommyBest was designed with the understanding that women have little time, so they can read the lessons in any order, whichever seems relevant at the time, and then use the Reader Reflection Page to jot down their own responses to one day use as a springboard, if they so choose, to create their own family story. The topics range from dealing with children growing-up so quickly, to parenting opposite children, the importance of moms’ friendships, to what it was like to be an identical twin to the importance of nurturing a child’s relationship with “Grandma.”

Q: You chart an interesting course from professional woman to CEO of your house. Can you describe this change?
A: Moving up the homemaker ladder of success takes time as it took time to climb the corporate ladder. In exchange for a business plan, you’ll be following a different set of guidelines orchestrating your Life plan—preparing for your greatest investment ever: your child. During the first few months of staying at home with my son, I was in overdrive. I set tangible goals including reading several books daily to him, in order to feel as if I was accomplishing some measurable level of success, as I had at my job. Although others were urging me to rest when my baby slept, I continued to run on autopilot. I was programmed to perform on an efficiency schedule at work, so I transferred that mindset to my motherhood role, even trying to bake homemade cookies for my guests who visited. In contrast to my job, I felt completely scattered in my homemaker role at first. There was no job description, paycheck or accolades from my boss/coworkers; no power lunches or even coffee breaks. In fact, I didn’t even know when to eat lunch and had very little social interaction. It took me a long time to learn how to simply enjoy the time with my son and celebrate the many intangible moments of play and wonder.

Q: What has been your greatest challenge and your greatest failure, as a mom?
A: My greatest challenge and failure as a mom has been taking time for my husband and I to nurture our own relationship, separate from the time we spend together as a family. Since we don’t have relatives close by, we don’t have a ready-made support system for us to schedule “alone time.” It’s been a long road for me to begin to trust others with my children, but now that my boys are older, I’m becoming more relaxed about it.

Q: You are also an identical twin - an experience that has shaped your view of the world. What advice would you give women raising twins/multiples?
A: First and foremost, treat your twins/multiples as separate siblings: nurture each sibling’s strengths and recognize what makes each unique and develop those skills. Celebrate their individuality by allowing each to choose clothes, hairstyles and more.

Q: What methods do you utilize to take care of yourself?
A: (Some of my) Methods include listening to music, walking and yoga. The music helps me connect my past, present and future because I became an avid lover of music when I was a toddler, listening and dreaming all my “big girl” dreams. Walking allows me to exercise my body and soul while yoga helps me to connect with my inner being. I also spend time with my childhood best friend who, no matter how old we become, we still feel as if we’re teenagers getting into mischief.

Q: What preconceived notion did you have prior to embarking on this new career, which is now clearly dispelled?
A: I never even thought motherhood was a career—and I never gave my own mother enough credit for all the hard work she performed and how she never once complained about anything she did for us. Since women have so many more opportunities today, I thought motherhood was something women should do--in addition to whatever else they were doing. I learned it’s the most challenging “career” there is and finding the unique balance in my own life of home and career is constantly changing as I evolve as a woman.

Q: As new older moms, the experience of raising children is often intermingled with caring for aging parents, combining successful careers, and maneuvering through a "new world." What methods have you used in charting your own course?
A: When we wait to have our children in our thirties or even our forties, as many of my friends have, we often have to chart the course of our lives and possibly change directions. My best strategy for dealing with balancing all of our lives, including dealing with aging parents, is to handle one piece of your life at a time. Otherwise I become overwhelmed and I don’t do anything well. I get quiet during an overwhelming period and assess, then prioritize what I need to do first. I also find talking with friends who are going through, or have gone through similar struggles, really helps.

Q: You talk about the "Birth of a New Mother" - a phrase which resonates with me and one that I clearly love for myself. Tell me what this means to you?
A: “The Birth of a Mom” is a phrase that I use to describe the moment when my son was born. A Mom was also born: ME! I never could have imagined that the instant I held him for the first time, he reached into the depths of my soul in a way that no one before had. An indescribable bond was created and my life was magically transformed. From that moment on, no matter what else I became, or did, I was Derek’s Mom-- and then Dylan’s Mom—above all else that I have or will do.

Q: What's the single most important lesson you'd like to share with other mothers?
A: The single most important lesson I would share with other moms is to trust your “mother’s instinct” in everything involving your children. It’s the most accurate compass out there, more powerful than all the so called “experts” who will advise you on ways to raise your children. Gather and listen to those who try to help. Take what works and leave the rest. This also applies to those who will tell you that you may be “too old” to raise children. When I was a young girl, I recall sharing how I wanted to be a “young mom.” Well, while I was in my twenties, I was too busy exploring my own life. I wasn’t ready for kids. Our lives are not cookie cutter images for us to follow. Each of us has a unique path to follow, regardless of those breadcrumbs our cartoon characters left for us to search for in a make believe world. Keep it real when it comes to your own motherhood journey.

Donna Scrima-Black is a former advertising executive and teacher with a Master's Degree from Fordham University. "MommyBest”...is a tribute to her sons and dedicated to all moms journeying through the joyful-sometimes-tumultuous-motherhood waters to create the best life for themselves and their families. Visit http://mommybestbook.com.

GUEST BLOG POST: Staying Anchored in Safe Waters by Lisa Levine Bernstein

My daughter, Jordana, barely one year old, wanted to join the “party.” A cousin of mine and I were enjoying an after dinner chat in the living room of my tiny NYC apartment and Jordana was wailing and crying in an effort to be released from her crib in the bedroom.

Jordana, now an amazingly social 20 year old, must have been angry with me for maintaining her bedtime routine while there was still an opportunity to socialize. I was not uncomfortable with her anger which I credit to my first job in psychiatric nursing.

As a staff nurse on the brand new eating disorders unit at the now defunct Gracie Square Hospital, I was anxious to be liked by my patients. It was a struggle for me to maintain the unit protocols, intended to maintain a therapeutic milieu, when it involved the wrath of one of my patients. Then, while I was discharging Julia, one of my particularly rude and aggressive patients, she thanked me. Julia appreciated that I kept her on track and made her “tow the line” despite her angry outbursts. What an amazing lesson in human nature!

In the years to come, in subsequent psychiatric nursing jobs, I often experienced the anger of patients and became more comfortable acknowledging their anger while still maintaining good limits. Admittedly, raising children is different than taking care of psychiatric patients, however, I have found that the practice of firm but loving limits apply to both. Children do not want to be in charge, and find it frightening to feel like they are the captain of the family ship. Even when they protest (and they will because that’s what various developmental stages “require” them to do), they want to know that an adult is steering the ship and keeping the family anchored in safe waters.

The world can be a frustrating place. When a child runs the show at home, she does not learn that there are barriers to getting what you want. Setting and keeping clear limits allows your child to build tolerance for frustration and actually makes his or her life out in the world happier.

When Jordana was born, followed twenty months later by Zoe, I was able to be a strong, loving parent who set limits from the start. I felt secure in their love despite tantrums directed toward me. Now that my daughters are nineteen and almost twenty-one, I know that learning how to care for patients like Julia was great training for parenthood.

So what can you do to stay anchored despite the ups and downs of childhood?

• Set clear limits and provide simple explanations (I cannot talk to you right now. You will have my full attention when I am off the telephone.)

• Be consistent but flexible depending on the circumstances (You can stay up past your bedtime because we have company.)

• Give your child time to adjust to changes and stick with what you have communicated (We will be leaving the party in five minutes.)

• Provide “time out” in the same room as the parent or caregiver so your child has time to calm down without feeling rejected.

• Let your child know when your own feelings are getting in the way (I am so angry right now that I will take a few minutes to calm down before we talk.)

Setting and keeping firm limits when your child is angry can be difficult but you will get better at it with practice. The bonus is that, over time, your child will protest less when she learns what to expect and you will enjoy each other’s company more!

Lisa Levine-Bernstein, MSN, RN, FNP has been dedicated to helping families create meaningful relationships. Her direct experience with parents and children spans over two decades. Lisa is a psychiatric nurse, an Adjunct Assistant Professor at LaGuardia College of the City University of New York and a school nurse at Great Neck North Middle School. She is a parenting workshop leader and teaches parent/child yoga and nutrition.

 Lisa holds a BS in Nursing from the University of Pennsylvania, an MS in Nursing from Hunter College of the City University of New York and qualified as a Family Nurse Practitioner at SUNY Stony Brook.

Having been on the front lines of parenting herself, raising four children (including two step-children who lived with her as teenagers), Lisa personally understands the challenges and rewards of raising successful children. Visit her site http://www.parentingsuccessfulchildren.com/.

 

A Moment in the Life of.... by Patricia St. E. Darlington, author, You Can't Get to Heaven Wearing Tight Shoes

.....Ms. Anoycan Doytal...the image conscious, perfectly prepared, Renaissance woman, with the 'perfect plan,' but who forgot You Can't Get to Heaven Wearing Tight Shoes.

“Pssst, pssst, lady, yes you, the one carrying the baby in the gym bag and the workout shoes in the diaper bag. Can we chat for a moment?” “Yeah, I know, too busy to pause for idle chat. Gotta get to the office?” “Oh, but now you do realize that you forgot to drop off the baby at daycare right?” “Now you’ll have to schlep your way back across town and still get to the nine o’clock meeting. But not to worry, you’ve got your net book and you can Skype in from the cab, right?” Damn it, where is the net book? “No way!…..Did you really leave it on the kitchen counter after last night’s marathon *itch fest with the gals—all of them complaining about how much they have to get done, will never get done, and right now don’t give a crap if it ever gets done—at least until tomorrow morning when it starts all over again?” But wait, we were on the subject of dear little Jimmy whom you accidentally stuck in the gym bag when you picked him up from the play room at the gym this morning while managing to lose your workout shoes in the diaper bag.

“I don’t mean to add to your present discomfort dear, but did you happen to notice that you’re limping?” “Not to worry though, it’s not a result of the tight shoes you wore to the office party last night—shoes that had you propped up against any available vertical surface just so that you could relieve the pressure on your big toes and the blister on your left heel, where the Band-Aid had long ago slipped off and was now bundled up and snugly lodged under said heel. That’s not why you’re limping this morning. Honestly, Hon, it’s because in your mad dash to get out of the house and get in that life-sustaining, stress-relieving, mental health affirming, 45 minute workout at the gym this morning, you inadvertently put on two different shoes, one with a two inch heel and one with a three inch heel, both black, and that is where the similarities ended! Now here you are, frazzled, still sweaty even after the 3 minute shower at the gym, and late.

How in heaven’s name did you get yourself into this predicament? After all, you are a planner, you are an organizer, and you are known in the industry for being the best at what you do. You are so organized you actually worked out every conceivable detail of the timing of the entrance of your bundle of joy in your life. Everything was going to be rosy. You would get up in the morning, spend thirty minutes meditating and preparing for the day—just like you always did while you were building your career and moving up the corporate ladder. Then you would enjoy a great cup of coffee from that greatest invention in the world—surpassing even sliced bread and pockets--your Keurig coffee maker. Your awesome hubby would be packing the diaper bag and dressing little Jimmy while you got in an hour of working out, ten minutes in the sauna, a blissful shower to cool you down and thirty minutes to select your power outfit for the day at the office where you would earn all the money that you would need to send Little Jimmy to the Ivy league school of your choice. . . .

“Pssst, pssst, lady. . . is this the address that you wanted? You seemed to be daydreaming there for a minute. Want the Cabby to keep the meter running while you drop off the kid?” “Go on dear, I’ll wait for you here…keep the Cabby company. . No, no dear, wrong bag, you’ll need that briefcase today.”

“But wait, before you dash off, I didn’t catch your name” “I’m sorry, I must have missed that. “Did you say your name is Anoycan Doytal?” “Well I’ll be! So pleased to meet you Ms. Doytal…Think we can find some time to catch up again sometime soon?”

Check back at a later date for another installment of “A moment in the life of Ms. Anoycan Doytal" by Dr. Patricia St. E Darlington, author of You Can't Get to Heaven Wearing Tight Shoes: A Book About Personal Honesty.  

GUEST BLOG POST - Your Inner Vision by Rochelle Jewel Shapiro

I’m writing on my way to the hospital for my grandson’s birth. Sonograms have taken the thrill away from psychics like me for predicting gender. Still, good news is welcome from anywhere.

There’s so much I’d like to tell the soon-to-be parents, but I stay in their good graces by keeping my lips zipped unless asked, so if you have a few moments, I’d like to tell you what I’d tell them. Believe that your child is on his own special path to a bright future and hold fast to it, no matter what.

That’s just what I had been determined to do when my son was born, but once he started school, the bright vision I'd held for him became as blurry as a windshield streaked by worn wiper blades.

In pre-school, his teacher phoned to complain that he was noisy during transition. I chuckled. “You should have heard me screaming during transition when I was in labor with him,” I said. She didn’t chuckle back. Instead, she rattled off a list of complaints. He dumped sand in the water table and water in the sand table. He festooned the bathroom with toilet paper and hid so long in the closet that she almost went crazy until she found him.

She’s crazy, I thought.

But in elementary school, the complaints kept coming. He didn’t do his work in school and rarely turned in his homework. Though he read encyclopedias at home, he was in remedial reading at school. It must have been as exasperating for him as it was for me.

Once, in the middle of the day, the doorbell rang. I looked out the peephole. No one was there. The bell rang again. I opened the door. Charles, a second grader then, stood there in his snowsuit.

“What are you doing home?” I demanded.

“There was a substitute teacher,” he said and continued nonchalantly to the kitchen to pour himself some milk.

Despite having crossed major streets and risked being snatched by a pervert, he didn’t think he had done anything wrong. He moved to the beat of his own bongo drums.

I took him for hearing and eye tests. I took him to a neurologist, a psychologist, a learning disabilities specialist, a tutor. I gave him time-outs, took his favorite toys from his room, and cancelled play dates. Nothing helped. At home, he made costumes, clothespin figurines, strawberry carton towers scaled by plastic soldiers. He amassed a fund of knowledge about whales, the stars, and dinosaurs. At school, he only amassed poor grades and complaints. No matter what teacher he had, how stimulating the curriculum, he didn’t like tasks appointed by others. He wanted to do only what he decided upon.

My neighbors would say, I bet you just came home from your son’s school.” They weren’t psychic. They saw the tears in my eyes from hearing, “He’s such a nice boy, but…”

Then, when he was a junior in high school, he took a job in a local music store. There an angel in the form of a bratty rich girl turned his life around.

“CD Boy,” she’d say, snapping her fingers, “get me this. Ger me that.”

He figured if he didn’t buckle down in school, this would be his future—minimum wage and maximum scorn.

He managed to pick up his grades enough to get into a state school and while there, took a job in the outside world each semester to motivate himself to stay in school.

Today, he’s a well-respected, affluent financial advisor with family and friends who adores him. The moral, I guess, is that if your child isn’t doing well in school, don’t ever believe that he hasn’t a wonderful future. Get him the help he might need, but the biggest help you can give him is that no matter what his problem is, hold fast to your bright vision for him. It will come about somehow in ways you couldn’t have predicted..


Rochelle Jewel Shapiro, author of Miriam the Medium (Simon and Schuster), is a psychic who works by phone like her fictional character, Miriam. Shapiro’s psychic gifts have been written about in Redbook, The Jerusalem Post, Newsweek, The New Times (Lives), and more.  Visit her new site http://www.rochellejewelshapiro.com/  

 

Becoming A Free-Range Parent by Maureen Eich VanWalleghan

I am follower of Lenore Skenazy’s blog Free-Range Kids. She has a book out by the same name, which I would very much like to buy. I bring this up because often to do the kinds of activities she promotes for Free-Range kids, activities that were once the norm, partly out of necessity and partly the world functioned differently, a parent needs to practice.

Letting kids have independence and freedom in today’s culture takes conscience effort and work, but the rewards are worth it. I have been practicing and I can tell you that at times it is a terrifying process to let my child move in greater and greater spheres beyond me—“out of my sight.” When she was little, two to three, I would let my daughter often walk a block or more in front of me in instances where there were no cars, but I could still see her. Now that she’s five years old, I am working on letting her out of my sight. When I do this in controlled environments, I still get huge knot in my stomach. I fight to overcome the urge to run after her yelling “you are too far from me.

Quick rewind to a blog I posted for Mother’s Day that included my mom’s fears that when she called me at night and I wasn’t home—when I lived in NYC—she told me she couldn’t sleep. Now as a review I was in my 30’s when I lived in NYC. So here’s my mom dealing with the same huge knot in her stomach. She couldn’t see me. Being a mom is living with this knot...and letting this human being you bore become the independent person they were meant to be.

The process of raising independent children is a difficult one. No matter the dictates of any culture, releasing a child into the world begins at birth. What’s sad is that our society has succumbed to our interior fears to the detriment of raising healthy, independent children.

Now I am starting to sound like a professor giving a lecture...easy to do since I am a professor. But let me move into a recent little moment I had with my daughter. She takes swimming lessons at the college where I work and last week she wanted to go for a walk. I responded by asking her where did she wanted to go and she said “I want to go by myself, Mom.” In my mind I was screaming to myself “You’re too little, you’re my baby, no, no, no!!!” I took a deep breath and instead decided that the campus side walk was a good controlled environment and that I could follow her in the car.

We got to the check point and she wanted to go farther. She had a sense of pride in herself. She was really happy that she was being independent. She wanted to go farther. We went farther. We did three legs of the walk and at the last leg she rounded the corner onto the main street. At that point, I had to go with traffic and so pulled out onto the main road. My daughter stayed walking along the sidewalk. I turned at the first block and pulled over. For me, this was the hardest part. She was out of my sight as she walked down the block and I pulled over. She knew this. There were no streets to cross just this stretch along the main road. It was too much for me to wait in the car even though I could see her after I stopped. I had to get out and meet her part way.

When I got to her dealing with my stomach knot was all the more poignant. She said “Mom I am so big I can really do this myself.” Ouch, I just wanted to cry and I was proud of her all at the same time. This to me is the hard work of parenting: owning the fear and walking into it anyway. This is also a definition of courage. Free-Range parenting takes courage and but the rewards are so worth it.