Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"He's Just Not That Into You" - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I saw my divorce lawyer yesterday. It was a very long, two-hour meeting and I left there drained. I was even tearing up as I drove home, thinking, “I am actually getting a divorce.” It sort of hit me the way when a loved one dies, out of the blue, you get a pang in your heart and you immediately think, “OMG! I’m never going to see that person again!!” It’s all part of the grief process.

But what has been bothering me the most has been the lack of closure for my marriage. I have asked my husband umpteen times why he wants to divorce and the answer is always the same, “I don’t know.” That’s not good enough for me. That’s not good enough when you spend 21 close, intimate years with someone and are married to him for almost 16. That’s not good enough when there is a child involved and their entire life is going to be upended. That is just not a good enough answer just for the sake of being not a good enough answer considering the magnitude of this situation. But it’s the best I’m ever going to get from him.

Still, I need closure. I have been working with my therapists and even pleaded with one of them to pretend my spouse had died to help me get through the grief process! She thought I was a little off the wall, but she understood. I can’t get past the grief process without some type of closure. I’d take just about any reason at this point! An “I don’t know,” just doesn’t cut it for me...and never will.

So, driving from one of my therapy appointments the other day, it hit me. For those of you who (probably pre-children), had the luxury of watching television, and had HBO, and may have been a “Sex and the City” addict, like me, may recall the, “He’s just not that into you,” episode. To briefly summarize, there was an episode where one of the main characters, Miranda, overheard a conversation between two young women. The young women were discussing why a date hadn’t called back when he said he would. The women were dissecting every nuance of the date and the phone calls the couple had prior to the date. And the woman who’s date never called back just couldn’t understand why because there were no obvious signs or communication indicating that this date would never call again. So brazen Miranda, listening to this wisely, approached the young women, apologized for eavesdropping, and simply said, “Face it. This guy is just not into you.” Then Miranda politely excused herself while the young women, although stunned by the revelation, had to agree with Miranda. And to some extent, you could tell that the woman who’s date never called back, was somewhat relieved at this epiphany.

As I drove home, I recalled this episode, and like the young woman whose date never called back, I thought to myself, “Your husband is just not into you.” And all of a sudden, a wave of peace washed over me. Yes, it’s a lame reason to use for “closure” purposes, but it is, still and all, a reason. 

Since I have allowed myself this “closure” statement, I must admit, I do feel freer and more positive. As ridiculous as this statement is, and considering that this is a marriage that is ending and not just a date not calling anymore, I realize that the statement of, “He’s just not that into you,” is rather trite. But, for me, it is something. And trite or not, it is at least a step above, “I don’t know.” So, for now, I have found my reason for closure. Or perhaps, on a superficial level, have something to use as a tool to start healing again. Because up until now, I’ve just been harboring anger. Tons and tons of anger. Which is ruining my body and mind and is just plain unproductive at minimum.

“He’s just not that into you.”  Barely meaningful for my situation, but for now, at least it works. And at least I can begin to move on.

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Blogger Unknown said...

That was a brave and poignant post. Hard to swallow but glad you got closure.

3:06 AM  
Blogger Karen du Toit said...

Wow! It must be very difficult! You whole life and way of life changes when you divorce. I can just imagine how hard it must be when you are not the one who wants this whole closure of a relationship and life!
Best wishes!

4:00 AM  
Blogger Laura Houston said...

That was a brave post. And I hope it helps with the anger and the healing. It's so important to have information right now, but if he had answered you, you might have gotten information that was not right for you.

Cara, when my ex-husband asked me why I wanted a divorce, I could not tell him. Mostly because he had been suffering from depression and had so much to deal with in terms of addiction, etc. So I didn't want to tell him the truth.

The truth was that I wasn't that into him any more. I had grown and changed and wanted something different. I did not want him to try to become that something different. I was just done. And when you're done, there's no sense in opening up that can of worms.

By the way, both me and my ex are happily married now. You will be, too. And your anger will fade and so will the hurt. But not because time heals this wound...only because you will because you are doing all of the right things. You're getting help. You're working through it.

Good for you. Really good for you.

6:20 AM  
Blogger Cyma Shapiro-Roland said...

I think that the lesson that "things are as they are" hits all of us at various stages. It sounds like it's hit you and right where it counts.
Of course, this must be so so so difficult, and my heart goes out to you.
But, with acceptance comes peace and the ability to move on. I want you to find even greater joy in your next phase of life.

3:42 PM  

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