“Everyone has Stress” ~ Stress and Courtesy - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

“Everyone has stress.” Whether it be work stress, home stress, financial stress, family  stress, death of a loved one...the list goes on and on.

I, too have my bulging share of stress. Divorce is the second most stressful event a person can go through. Loss of a spouse is number one. I personally would like to debate that, especially with a child involved. 

I try not to burden other’s with my own problems. For example, one of my close friend’s dog is dying and I compassionately understand since I recently lost one of our dogs. I continue to ask how her dog is doing, how she is fairing, without adding my own personal problems onto her.

I send little texts, messages, notes and ask about how others are doing. They, in turn, reciprocate. What I am finding though, is that it seems people’s stress is becoming a contest. Who needs the most compassion? Who deserves a medal for surviving the most stress at a single time? Well meaning friends and relatives say such things as, “everyone has stress,” in an attempt to help. But really what they have done is compared situations in order to minimize feelings. No matter how well intended, the comment makes the recipient feel worse. It indicates that their friend or family member does not understand what they are going through, which in turn leads to isolation, which further worsens the problem.

I tend to be somewhat reclusive. A couple weeks ago I suffered a gall bladder attack that almost had me in the hospital, but I stuck it out and won. One of the medications my doctor suggested I change gave me such a bad reaction, I again, almost went to the hospital. My refrigerator died in the middle of the night that week. And when I went to the grocery store, I came back to my car with a volleyball size dent in it and almost $2,000 damage. Oh, and I had the law professionals on my back asking me when my husband and I were going to tell our son we were divorcing. Talk about stress.

I shut down. I am normally on FaceBook daily...I never touched my computer. I stayed in bed and shut out the world. I couldn’t take anything more happening to me in my life. I reluctantly checked my e-mail on my phone. When a friend or two inquired about me, I gave them a brief update and their response was, “Everyone has stress.” When I dragged my un-showered, still-in-pajamas and slippers body to take my son to karate, I saw a Mom friend who mentioned that I didn’t look too good (no kidding!). I gave a brief update of my life and her response was, “Everyone has stress.” Really? I am standing out in public, in my pajamas, unwashed/uncombed hair, looking like a rat dragged me in, and her response was, “Everyone has stress?” 

I began getting messages on my FaceBook Messenger App: “Where are you?” “Are you okay?” “What’s wrong? We miss you.” There were so many, I felt compelled to let everyone know that life was dealing me a bad hand, but that I was on the mend and they would all see me soon, so I left a post. The nicest comment came from a woman I am just starting to get to know pretty well. She lives across the country, has been unemployed for a year, is a single Mom, and she said, “Don’t worry...we’re all here for you. Just take care of yourself and your life. That’s all that really matters.” That one response, from someone I have never met, made me feel so cared for. It made me feel that I, and what I was going through, mattered. That one person understood. Someone who has her own laundry list of stress. I thanked her and blew her a virtual kiss. Had she been standing in front of me, I would have hugged her until I cried. That simple, caring comment was exactly what I needed. And surprisingly, it came from someone I hardly knew.

I finally got out of bed the following day, showered, and took my son to karate as he was graduating to a higher belt level and there would be an informal ceremony. I asked someone to take a picture of my son and me, sitting on the mat together. I uploaded it to FaceBook because I was so proud of my son. I received 17 comments of concern, welcome backs, what happened to you, are you okay...all from people I barely know but do care about. I was floored.

So why is it that I was able to get an outpouring of concern from people I have never met, who are scattered all over the country. People who truly give a darn about you when they notice you are “missing.” Is my own community so jaded that everyone can barely manage their own problems, let alone send a message of concern to others? All they can offer is a cliched statement that has absolutely no considerate meaning?

Yes, there are people who are genuinely concerned about me and my life. My neighbor across the street is one. I wouldn’t trade my horrific life for hers if you paid me in gold. But she calls to find out how I am as she is trying to hold her own life together. My best friend with the dying dog, who is a single Mom, texts me to make sure I am afloat and sends me many messages of positive affirmations. I treasure these two friends whose lives mirror mine. But we are there for each other. It is not a contest. There is no, “Who has the worst life?” We are just unfortunate souls who are trying our best to get through our horrendous circumstances and when we do, we will rejoice until the heavens rain down upon us.

A small bit of kindness, caring, respect, concern...

Is that too much to ask?

Lying to My Child ~ Part Two - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I received quite a few comments on my blog post last week on FaceBook. I answered some directly on the FaceBook thread, however I would like to explain (or re-explain) what my blog was trying to say.

First, my anger was not because I wanted my son to know every detail as to why my husband and I were divorcing. My husband could want to mate with turtles, for all I care. My anger was directed at the willy-nilly Child Psychologist who wants us to say to our son, verbatim, “Mommy and Daddy still love each other, they just can’t live with each other. But their love for you will never change.” Knowing how my son thinks, he is going to look at us and say, “If you love each other, why don’t you want to live with each other? And if you love me, are you still going to want to live with me??” I despise the wording this so-called professional wants us to use. I came up with a very gentle, neutral way of breaking the news to our son, but my husband wants to use the psychologist’s wording, essentially because he is the one who is paying her and also because I am not a child psychologist. My husband also needs a “mother-figure” to hold his hand while we speak with our son. He has always relied on his Mother’s opinion before making any major decisions. My feeling now is that my son is more of a “man” at eight-years-old than my husband ever will be. My son will need me as his mother just because of his age and our relationship. But my son is a bigger person than my husband will ever be. He will walk away from our talk very confused, but as I pointed out in one of my FaceBook threads, I will be the one doing damage control later on and have to reexplain to my son what is going on. I will be the one to clarify to our son that my husband’s and my love for him is never ending. It transcends anything and everything. But sometimes that is not always the case with adults. I even thought it might be empowering to my son to “break the news” to our dog. I honestly feel our dog knows a change is coming. He senses it and thus has been acting quite “off” lately. So, perhaps by having my son tell our dog, I will be able to see whether what I told my son translated accurately and our dog can be the “clarifier.” If my son says to me, “Maxi wants to know...…,” I will then know what type of questions my son has and what is churning in his little mind.

The second entity that I am angry with is the court “system.” Yes, I am perfectly aware that time cannot stand still for us and that the various court appointed individuals need to get their jobs done. The longer we take, the more difficult it makes for the jobs of these professionals. However, we are ultimately dealing with human beings who have emotions and feelings to consider. The most important being a child. If we need more time than is typically “allotted,” appoint a different professional to our case. I have come to despise institutionalized thinking, which is why I stopped working in a hospital. I couldn’t stand the bureaucracy that goes on when you are dealing with human lives. I despise it even more now. Not allowing a family the time to interview Child Psychologists to see which one resonates the best with them is not in anyone’s best interest. Particularly the child. I am going to have to bite my tongue as my husband uses the “script” that this child psychologist is recommending. I told him flat out that if he chooses to use the words the child psychologist recommended, I am remaining mute. I will reassure to our son that our love for him is forever. I will clarify that both Daddy and I will love him every second of every day because he is our child. The love for your child only grows, it never disappears or goes away. And I will end up having to completely rectify all of the inappropriate wording my husband insists on using. But I am used to having to do that at this point anyway.

Finally, I am still raging mad at my coward of a husband. What person has a close intimate relationship with another for 23 years and can’t even give them a small clue as to why they want to end a relationship. Twenty-three years. That’s roughly half of my life. Thrown away. Tossed into boxes. Hidden in the bowels of the basement. I gave him have of my life. I think I deserve a little more respect concerning the demise of our relationship. Then again, perhaps I’m lucky. I could have given him three-quarters of my life and ended up exactly where I am today. With the exception of an older child.

So, dear readers, I apologize for my ranting, confusing blog. I hope that this one does a better job at clarifying my feelings and the situation I am faced with. Most of all, thank you for all of your comments. I learned from them, appreciated them and feel that although I may be confusing you at times, you still read what I write. My thanks goes out to all of you.

Is it Okay to Lie to Your Child? - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

My husband and I have to break the news to my son that we are getting a divorce. Since my husband still refuses to disclose to anyone why he wants a divorce, we had to go to a Pediatric Psychologist to see how we could go about telling our son. After a migraine, round-about conversation, it was concluded by the Psychologist that we basically have to lie to our son. Lie. Lie about something that is going to greatly impact my son's entire life. This does NOT sit well with me.

I have never lied to my son about anything that was significant. I may have left out what I thought would be confusing to him and allowed him to ask questions until the information I presented made sense. But I have never outright lied to him.  

When I inquired about this from my son's Law Guardian, I received, a curt, unconcerned response stating that she was not a Child Psychologist and that if that was what the Child Psychologist felt was in my son's best interest, then we should oblige with what the Child Psychologist recommends. I got the feeling from her that she wanted to hurry up and get this done with already. As I've said before, courts are not very considerate nor empathetic. Everyone has an agenda.

I decided to refer to the divorce books I have to get some other perspectives. "Divorce for Dummies," by John Ventura, Esq. and Mary Reed states, "Be honest with your children about why you're getting divorced, but don't reveal too much. Then give them the opportunity to ask questions. "Your Divorce Advisor," by Diana Mercer, J.D. and Marsha, Kline Pruett, Ph.D., M.S.L., concurs, "Do not lie. It will come back to haunt you. Also, do not give them more information than they are ready to hear."

Then why are we planning to lie to our child?? Because it would take too long to get the real reason out of my husband, if at all? Because courts are on a "schedule" and we should just "move along" with things?? Don't they realize that in a couple years my son is going to realize that he was lied to and is going to be exceedingly angry and resentful?? Who the hell is this really benefitting? My husband, the coward? It definitely is not going to benefit my son. My son will eventually realize once my husband moves out, it is my husband who didn't want to stay in our family. It is certainly not benefitting me. I'm just as dazed and confused as I've been over the past two years. At best it is benefitting the court system.

If courts are supposedly trying to do what is in the best interest of the child, where does lying fall into the child's best interest? No one seems to care. If they did, they would mandate my husband to find a way to come clean with what ever he is covering up and allow us as two adults to find a way to break the news of divorce in a neutral, and mutual way. The way the Child Psychologist is suggesting we tell our child makes me boil with rage. It makes me even more angry at my husband and also at the court "system." How dare I be put into a position where I am "forced" to tell my son something that is completely untrue! No, I do NOT still love my husband!! And no Mommy and Daddy are NOT in agreement of our family breaking apart!! These are both absolute lies! And don't you think my son is going to sense my facade of "joy" once my husband leaves. He is an intelligent boy. He is also very sensitive. He his going to pick up on these issues immediately. Heck, even the dog has been depressed lately.

So here I am. In a predicament that goes against every cell of my body. I have decided to try to see whether my husband will agree to telling our son, in our own home, that firstly, our son is our world. Both of us love him to pieces and will both be there for him no matter what. We can then say that sometimes Mommies and Daddies, who care about one another, just can't live together. We will then answer any and all questions he may have. If my husband refuses, I will have my husband speak on both of our behalves at the Psychologist's. I will try to acknowledge as little as possible without upsetting my son. And I know my son will bury himself in my arms for comfort. At least I will be exceedingly genuine in my comforting of him.

And who will comfort me? This is a loss for me too. I have exceptional therapists who I can call the minute I am able. They will comfort me and help me through all of my conflicting and hurtful emotions. In turn, I will be there for my son. I am truly the only one he comes to when he needs someone to confide in. I will answer whatever questions he has as truthfully and with as much love and compassion that I can. 

I will get through this. No matter how painful. No matter how unfair. No matter how distasteful. I will get through this as I've done in the past. And I am the best role model to show how my son can get through this also.

It's just a shame that the court system sees innocent children as part of a file, rather than the delicate victims of unfortunate situations that they are.

My Day in Court - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Three days to be exact. The first day was a quick postponement to the following week. The second was a postponement to a few days later. That day we sat there for three hours before they finally announced the postponement. Courts are not terribly considerate. Finally, our day came. While our attorneys went into a separate room with the law secretary, my husband and I sat there for two hours checking our e-mail, not doing much else. That’s besides the point.

Court is not a place you would want to voluntarily go to unless you were getting paid to be there. Or HAD to go. Now I understand why lawyers make so much money. Even my lawyer agreed that it disturbs her to be there at times. I really don’t blame her.

Although my husband and I were there to initiate our never-ending divorce, I witnessed many things that happened that both shocked me and even made my heart stand still. I am not at liberty to reveal what happened on the day our case was initiated, but I have plenty to tell about what I observed during the endless hours I spent there waiting.

I had been told by my lawyer that no judge would ever subject a child by putting them on the stand to be questioned unless the case was highly unusual. Low and behold, on our second day there, the courtroom was locked because the judge had a twelve year old girl being questioned. I nervously whispered to my attorney, “They wouldn’t put an eight-year-old on the stand, would they??” She said in all the years she had been trying cases in matrimonial court, this was the first time she ever witnessed a child being questioned. Her response made me feel a little better. Later, though, the mother of this child burst out of the courtroom with a family friend or relative, whaling and sobbing in tears. The judge decided to take away custody of her children from her and give them to her ex-husband. I discovered that the reason for this was because this mother allegedly physically and verbally abused her children. Although I am a strong advocate against child abuse in even the most minor of instances, the heartbreaking sound of this mother in pain still broke my heart. If anyone took my son away from me, I’d probably faint on the spot.

Obviously there is much more to this case than I witnessed. If this mother was abusive in any way, she should have sought medical treatment for her behavior prior to this event. Again, I don’t know what the circumstances were before, so I can only postulate.

As I was still sitting around, observing, I overheard snippets of conversation between clients and their attorneys. I was shocked to hear the way these attorneys spoke to their clients! Absolutely no respect. Degrading. Patronizing. One attorney told his client that if his client didn’t like how he was representing her, she could fire him!! Total disregard to this woman’s concerns! I whispered to my attorney, “I’m so glad you are nice, considerate and compassionate. Some of these lawyers are so rude to their clients!” She said she hears it every day. Some attorneys and their clients are just not the right “fit.” So I replied, “But wouldn’t you sense that in the first consult or subsequent interactions? Why wait until court? And if the attorney thought that the client was too difficult to handle, don’t they have the right to refuse the case?” My lawyer said I am too ethical. She said that some attorneys have great reputations for winning cases but are very difficult to deal with. I just sat there saying a thousand prayers that I have a great attorney who happens to also be compassionate, understanding, and really listens to what I have to say and doesn’t blow me off.

Courts are intimidating. Some of the clients looked just as intimidating. I dressed in a very tailored, sophisticated outfit. Very modest. There were women clients dressed in skin tight dresses and 5-inch heels. Others had so much make-up on, you could practically peel it off. And some men came in ratty jeans and flannel shirts!! Although my husband nor I ever saw the judge, I was still surprised to see my husband show up in khaki pants and a sports jacket! He owns a dozen suits. He couldn’t wear one of them to court? No matter what anyone says, first impressions always count. You don’t get a second chance.

My next court appearance won’t be for a few more months. I get a much needed reprieve. With my dog dying, my son having grief issues and the holidays, I need a break. And a new year to start out fresh with.

Week 8 Update: Fit or Fabulous? by Liimu

Week 8 update: I am down a total of 10.5 pounds since I started and definitely can start to see a difference. I’m still on track to reach my goal of being fabulous by Max’s first birthday on March 14, 2012.

Speaking of fabulous, I did a google search today and looked up “how to be fabulous.” How sad is that? With four kids (one of them a not-quite-eight-month old), a thriving consulting business, a budding singing/songwriting career and a very public quest to regain my pre-pregnancy figure, I am feeling quite a loss for where I would find the extra time to get that put-together look I see in women all around me and on TV. How does J Lo end up the Most Beautiful Woman in the World, when she’s the same age as me and has toddler TWINS? Ok, right, right, right. I know what you’re all thinking. She’s in the business to look good – it’s her job. AND she has an entire staff helping her. But still. I’m not trying to look all Gucci’d out every minute of the day. But I would like to find a way to get a workout in and a full day’s work and still have time for a shower, make up and a quick hair styling that doesn’t involve a scrunchie.

All that being said, it hasn’t escaped me how ironic it is that Kim Kardashian – known for her drop-dead gorgeous looks and sex appeal – was dying to get married for years and then wasn’t even able to make it through one entire season of the year before she filed for divorce. J Lo is on divorce number 3. Halle Berry is still gorgeous and always looks perfectly put together, whether on the red carpet or at the playground with her equally gorgeous baby and yet she is allegedly getting ready for marriage number three? Four?

I’m not trying to be catty. I completely feel for this women and how frustrating and lonely it must be to not be able to forge and maintain a partnership that’s satisfying and fulfilling. It must be hard to do that when you’re constantly in the public eye, constantly on the go for a demanding career, and feeling the pressure to get as much done as you can while you still have the beauty and youth that seem to be at the top of the list of requirements for women in Hollywood. I made a choice when I was younger to put my dreams of becoming a famous actress and pop star to the side because I was headed down a very dark and destructive path, a tragic fate that would be all but sealed if I pursued a career in entertainment. Instead, I took a safer, corporate track, but could never completely let me dreams go. I became a wedding singer and met my husband. We began having kids immediately, and I kept singing and performing all the while, even getting the chance at one point to perform a solo with Patti Labelle on NBC television in front of 10 million viewers. I still pursue music to this day, as I said, writing and performing original music at local venues all year round and I hope one day to have the success I longed for so long ago. I do it now as much to show my kids how important it is to pursue your dreams as for myself.

I’m not glamorous and fabulous right now. It will probably take me 12 months to get back to a size I’m comfortable with, where it takes most actresses and pop stars less than 12 weeks. I’m overwhelmed most days and with a staff of just me, my husband and our mother’s helper, I’m happy just to get to 9 pm having clothed, bathed, and fed all my kids, helped them with homework, worked a full day, worked out, showered, and eaten healthy myself. If I’m able to also say that I rehearsed for a gig, volunteered for the junior choir, coached a friend, or gotten my nails done, that’s a bonus. If I’ve put on makeup and done my hair, that’s a freakin’ miracle.

Any advice you guys can give for how to look fabulous every day in ten minutes or less, please let me know! And if you know of a cheap personal stylist who can help me get my closet full of clothes that fit, flatter and help me in my quest for fabulousness, even better.

BodyFIT update: I finally downloaded the BodyFIT iPhone app and am now consistently tracking my nutrition data too, so I can clearly see the daily deficit calories burned vs. calories eaten. That is game-changing and definitely the reason I lost another 3 pounds this week.

Choices by Robin Gorman Newman

Last weekend, I ran into a father of a boy who Seth is friends with. He's a year younger and attends a different local school, so they don't see each other all that much, but they have fun when they do get together. The dad is a stay at home father (SAHF)...the second one I know of with that status. His wife works fulltime, and while he has investments, she is their primary bread earner. As I understand it, based on what he's shared, this is something they agreed to when they took on the role of parenting. Their son is adopted, as is Seth, and we, in fact, met them at an adoption picnic when the boys were young, hosted by the mutual adoption attorney we shared. Coincidentally, they lived in our town, so we became friends.

Because the mom works fulltime, and sometimes long hours, I haven't gotten to know her all that well. Whereas, the dad and I have had lunch and play dates with the kids.

I always felt they seems like two very different peas in a pod....but sometimes that can keep a relationship interesting, so I presumed it worked. I guess it did for a while....or so it seemed.

I found out this week that, in fact, they are in the throes of divorce. The dad was very surprised I didn't already know since he felt like the town was abuzz with the news. I'm not one to buy much into gossip, though I do enjoy my share of celebrity rag magazines, but that's about people I don't know and likely never will. So, I explained I hadn't heard anything.

I felt badly, and told him. He said not to feel badly...that he didn't....though I wasn't entirely sure. They have a young son, and I asked how he was taking it, and he said "ok." I added that "kids are resilient," trying to interject a dose of positivity.

I didn't want to pry, but asked what had happened with the marriage? At first he seemed a bit mum, but then opened up, and I felt as if I was one of the few he could comfortably share with. I wasn't looking to judge. He said that she'd been making nasty remarks about him around town, and that many he considered his friend were turning against him...believing her. That, more than anything, stunned me. "Then they're not real friends," I replied. He said they commented that they thought they knew him but were now realizing there was more to him...in a negative way...than meets the eye. That got me wondering, then, how do you define a friend? If someone I called a "friend" were to react that way to me, I'd expect way more than judgment, especially based on the comments of a soon to be ex spouse seemingly on the warpath. Wouldn't they know me better than that? If not, then I'd question my ability to choose friends. I like to consider myself discerning.

He said his wife was changing the plan. She is 51, and decided that she wants a house in town (they live in an apartment) and a country home and that the lifestyle they've created isn't what she has in mind. She wants him to get a job...even at Home Depot....and be a "man."

He and I agreed that his getting a minimum wage part time job at Home Depot would not alter their lifestyle in any significant way. And, that he had gone back to school to pursue a Masters so he could one day teach, and this had been the plan when they adopted their son. One of them wanted to be home to be with their child, otherwise some of their respective salaries would go toward childcare.

What it sounded like to me was a gal having some midlife second thoughts. Time does go fast, and she decided she wanted more. She is entitled to happiness, as is the father....as is their young son.

It made me realize that life is complicated. None of us know exactly what we've signed on for. No one has a crystal ball.

We choose a mate....if we get married...and hope we've picked wisely. Though, time can change things...whether out of fear, frustration or clarity.

We choose to become parents...and especially if we adopt...we hope we've picked wisely. Though no child comes with an A+ report card from birth.

If we work, we choose a career path that hopefully inspires us, but that's not always the case. Many work strictly out of necessity.

We all do the best with can with the roads we travel, but our actions do impact others. And, as parents, our children are the innocent bystanders. They look to us for love and guidance...and if we can't guide ourselves, then navigating for them becomes all the more challenging.

I do hope that his mom and dad will ultimately find their own happiness, and I trust that their son will feel no less loved, even as he goes on to live in two separate homes. No one said parenting is an easy job....and no one ever said that life comes with a guarantee.

For the Sake of the Kids…Really? - by Elizabeth Allen

How many unhappily married couples with children have you heard recite the overcooked excuse “We’re staying together for the sake of the kids”? How many of you are saying that even now in your current lives? Let’s take that one step further – do you really believe that staying in a toxic, loveless, dysfunctional relationship is actually healthier for your child than to forge ahead barefooted over burning coals (from which your soles will heal) toward something or someone who will be infinitely better? And what if forging ahead means being a single parent?


“I can’t do it – I need his help with the kids. It’s just not worth the hassle.”

“My parents fought all the time, in fact I’m sure they hated each other. But I turned out all right. I believe it’s more important for my child to have a mother and a father together than for me to be happy.”

“My kids adore their father. They’d hate me if I left him and I couldn’t bear that. At this point in my life, what difference would it make? Besides, who’d want me now?”

“My kids deserve a mother and a father. Moreover, what gives me the right to be selfish? Their needs are more important.”

"We've been together too long. Why rock the boat now?"

“I can’t be alone. I’d rather be in a bad marriage than none at all. At least it’s familiar. After all is said and done, I know what to expect anyway.”

And so on and so on…

My parents stayed together for our sake – the magic number being twelve. They stuck it out until I, the youngest, turned 12 and then went their separate ways. So was it better that two people who battled daily with the ferociousness of Siamese fighting fish lived in the same house and kept up appearances? Gee, let’s see. I don’t recall feeling the love from them as much as anger, grief and desperation. I picked up some vicious verbal strategies when it comes to arguing which would have served me well had I become a lawyer. I observed how two people who have no respect for each other act and I learned how the two most important adults in my young life pretended to be something they weren’t. And I learned to see through the pretense.

Kids know. I don’t care if they’re six or sixteen, boy or girl, functional or autistic – they know when their parents are faking it and when their mother is unhappy. They want their parents to be happy, even if it means living apart. Is it really selfish to extricate yourself from a harmful relationship? I say no. It’s selfish to stay.

Why are we willing to sacrifice our very lives - step in front of a charging bear if need be – to protect our children? But when it comes to breaking up the family which may, in greater likelihood actually fix it, we stall. It’s that hesitation, that lapse in gumption that could mean the difference between evolving into a well-adjusted person who witnessed their mother make tough courageous choices and persevere or evolving into a clone who ends up in and settles for the familiar no matter how bad it is.

For the sake of the kids? Really?

Go ahead and rock the boat. Tip the freaking thing over if need be. Your kids will swim and be stronger for it.

Discovering a Piece of the Puzzle - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

It has been a while since I updated our readers on my still pending divorce. I found, by happenstance, a very interesting piece of information that may help me to understand the “I don’t know,” I’ve always received as an answer when I asked my husband why he doesn’t even want to try to work on mending our family. I think I found the answer. Or, at least part of the answer.

Months ago, I chalked up his, “I don’t know,” responses as him just being, “not that into you.” I believe I even wrote a blog about it. Yet, it still weighed heavily on my mind because I just couldn’t understand how you could love someone with all your heart for 20 years, and then just, “not be into you.” It made absolutely no sense at all to me.

I was asked to write a short article on ADD/ADHD children and their relationships with their Grandparents. Interestingly, I found four fairly decent articles, but I continued my search to see whether I could unearth something additional to refer to. I came across an article that had absolutely nothing to do with ADD children and their Grandparents, but the title of the article struck me. I tried to move on but couldn’t. This article was begging to be read.

The title of the article was, “I’m OK - You’re Not!” written by Melissa Orlov from Additude Magazine. Very fitting title for my circumstance. I was already aware of Ms. Orlov’s interest in ADHD, as I purchased one of the books she had written, but never read. I quickly skimmed the introduction, paying more attention to the main categories. Halfway through the article, I stopped in my tracks. The title of this category was, “The Hyperfocus Courtship.” For those of you who are unaware of hyperfocusing in an ADD/ADHD person, the individual’s brain chemistry continues to keep firing until a certain task is completed. Thus, the person gives 100% attention to that task until the person is satisfied with the outcome. I have seen it many times with my son. If he hyperfocuses on schoolwork, that’s very positive. If he comes to me at 9:30pm and wants me to help him write a “book,” this is undesirable hyperfocusing because my son needs to go to bed. It is pointless to argue with a hyperfocusing person. You just elicit more power struggles. So I just said, “Mommy is tired and has to go to bed. Please consider trying to work on your project tomorrow morning.” He fell asleep on his “book” at 11:30pm. He actually brought about his own consequence. He was very tired the next day. This is just an example of an ADD person hyperfocusing on a task or project. I never knew that a person could hyperfocus on a relationship, though. Here is where Ms. Orlov’s words hit home:

“The biggest shock to ADHD relationships comes with the transition from courtship to marriage. Typically, a person with ADHD hyperfocuses on his partner in the early stages of a relationship. He makes her feel she is the center of his world. When the hyperfocus stops, the relationship changes dramatically.” The center of his world. How many times had I said those exact words to my therapists when describing my early relationship with my husband? The center of his world. I read her words over and over. Ms. Orlov hit the nail right on the head...mine to be exact! I was stunned by this revelation, but it also made so much sense. I needed to pass it by my therapy professionals to get their perspectives.

My ADD therapist thought that I found my answer. She said, when a partner’s hyperfocus shuts off, the non-ADHD spouse is left bewildered. And if counseling isn’t sought immediately, the relationship is almost assuredly doomed. I asked her whether my husband’s hyperfocus of me could have lasted so many years. She replied that it was not common, but it could certainly be found. She told me she felt that I was probably the very unfortunate victim of a hyperfocusing partner whose brain chemicals just stopped firing. That is probably why my husband “doesn’t know” why he doesn’t want a relationship with me. He is in denial that he even has ADHD, so he wouldn’t know of nor understand his hyperfocusing of me and now the lack of it. The other therapy professionals agreed.

So there you have it. I am a victim of ADHD hyperfocus burnout. I suppose it is not much different than having been in a relationship with a partner who was in denial about their manic/depressive disorder or alcoholism or other myriad psychological disorders. I am in just an extremely unfortunate circumstance.

The good news is for my son. He already has an ADD diagnosis. He will learn coping strategies and techniques to work through and around his hyperfocus episodes. He will be able to identify when he hyperfocuses. He will have me to guide him through his younger years and help him figure out what to do in various situations. And because I know all of the tell-tail signs, I can gently discuss them with him and coach him through. With a blessing and a kiss, I pray he never finds himself or his family in the situation we are currently facing. Once is more than enough.

Judgment Call - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I have a chip on my shoulder that I would like to remove. It happens to parallel one of our other Blogger’s blogs, by Laura Houston. In her blog, she was appalled that mere acquaintances or even strangers have no qualms about walking right up to you and giving you advice on how to parent your own child. Completely unsolicited advice. From people you hardly know. I wholeheartedly agreed with Laura’s blog. But I want to take it a step further.

I am not even divorced yet, and already people who I hardly know are saying to me, “You’ll find someone wonderful one day. You are such a pretty lady and so intelligent and so lovely. You’ll find the right person one day.” Who said I want to have any more relationships at all in my future?? And although they are certainly well meaning, I haven’t even gotten through the grieving part of this trauma. Do I really want to jump into a relationship when I can still barely fathom that my marriage is coming to its demise??

I consider it rude to make assumptions about others regarding very personal matters. For example, people who walk up to a pregnant woman, who has two little boys with her, and these relative strangers say, “Gee, you must be hoping for a girl next.” Who are these people to make a judgment call like that??

There is even an extremely lovely older woman I know, who has a son going through a divorce, who wants to “have the two of you meet sometime.” I don’t want to meet anyone! I want to get my son and myself through this tragedy and try our best to establish a new life! I don’t need any other complications in my life. My plate is full, thank you very much.

I must say that none of my close friends have made statements of this type, and I sincerely appreciate their support and understanding without unsolicited advice. Hearing from acquaintances, “Oh, you MUST get out and mingle with the world! You’ll never know who you’ll meet!,” just doesn’t help my current emotional state. I wear my wedding band on my right hand, because I really like it and want to continue to use it. But the other day, at the train station, this completely uninteresting man kept trying to conjure up a conversation with me, all the while glancing at my left hand. At one point I slipped the ring from my right hand to my left and casually brushed my hair with my left hand. Our conversation came to a dead halt. At least the ring is useful in those types of situations.

What I really want to convey to the world is to please think twice before giving unsolicited advice. Whether it is parenting, pregnancy, miscarriage, divorce or any other very personal matter. It makes the receiver uncomfortable at best. It makes them feel as if they have to justify their actions at worst. And honestly, it is just plain rude and unnecessary.

Forty-eight percent of marriages end in divorce. I NEVER thought I would fall into that statistic, but I will. It would be nice for others to just offer a simple, “I’m sorry,” and change the subject. After all, would I ask you what color underwear you are wearing??

Loving Too Much - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Is there such a thing as loving someone too much? And if so, where is the line that delineates this?

I ask this because the stress of my pending divorce and my son’s unattended to learning disabilities has gotten me so stressed out, I feel like I am holding on by a thread. When I discussed this stress with my various therapy professionals last week, each one of them replied, “Forget about your son. Focus on yourself.” Forget about my SON?? That’s like asking me to forget to breathe! Every ounce of stress in my life exists because of the love that I have for my son!! I am getting divorced because my husband and I couldn’t see eye-to-eye regarding my son’s learning disabilities, and he just wanted to brush them under the rug while I fought like heck to get my son the services and accommodations he needs and deserves! Is THAT loving too much?

I am stressed out every second I am with my son, trying to manage his behavior, his meltdowns, his rambunctiousness and how it affects not only the two of us but also the environment around us.

I am stressed out every second because every interaction with my son will ultimately hinge on the type and amount of custody I ultimately receive from my divorce because the divorce laws have changed drastically over the past 6 months.

So why are these professionals telling me to “forget” about my son?? If my son were not in the picture, I might or might not be getting divorced. I wouldn’t have any educational challenges to deal with. And if I were divorcing, it would be a piece of cake: This is yours, this is mine, have a nice life. My stress level would be minute compared to what it is now.

Where does that leave me as a Mother? I decided to research this area a little and find out if there is such a thing as loving your child too much. Not in an overindulgent, let your child rule your world type of excess. But fighting for your child and your child’s rights. Being their advocate. Making the best decisions possible type of love. Is there such a thing as too much loving in these areas?

I did a google search on this topic. Many articles focused on overindulging a child with material things or giving in to them too much. I wanted something deeper. I came up with a few provocative articles that go beyond the obvious.

In an article written by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin, titled, “Is It Really Possible to Love Too Much?," the authors state that, “Divorcing parents may lack knowledge about the effects their actions have on their children. These parents will claim they want custody, ‘Because I love them.’ Parents also love their children too much when they can’t see that they are doing ‘bad’ while claiming to do ‘good.’”

Another article by Rod Smith, titled, “Loving” Children Too Much" brings across some food for thought. He argues that children are loved too much when their wants are habitually placed ahead of the needs of the parents,” (okay, well maybe my own needs are not getting met because I am consumed by my son’s needs?). Smith also states that a child is loved too much when a parent gives up all of their former hobbies and interests and focuses all of their energy on their children,” (Umm...like the 20+ parenting books I have at my bedside instead of the novels I used to read, once upon a time?). Looks like we may be getting somewhere.

The third article is a blog written by Aaron Ben-Zee’v in Psychology Today. In this blog, he deduces that, “Even if love were concerned solely with disinterested care for the beloved (and this is not obviously so), there is still the question of what constitutes proper caring. Love is not a merely theoretical attitude; it has profound behavioral implications for our life. And if such behavior becomes improper, then the issue of whether one can love too much might arise.” Improper as in focusing on your loved one’s needs rather than on your own?

Now, I think I get what all of the therapy professionals were trying to elude to: I have completely abandoned my own essential needs - all the way down to eating - to care for and try to be the “best” Mom I can for my son. I wasn’t paying attention when the airline attendant was demonstrating that you need to put on your oxygen mask first before you place it on your child. I know now that I need to focus on taking care of me a little more, otherwise the oxygen will run out and I will be of no service to myself or for caring for my son. There needs to be a shift in priorities.

Now, if I could only let go of my wonderful, amazing little boy in my head for just a little while...

For you see, each day I love you more...

Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

~ Rosemonde Gerard

The Couple’s Weekend Workshop by Cyma Shapiro (Or how to stop childhood patterns, find happiness, and restructure the relationship loop)

I love my husband. But, for the past 15 years, we’ve done a dance of wills, and had innumerable power struggles and issues. Despite a handful of therapists, we haven’t gotten it right. In many ways, we’ve just “missed” each other, always going down separate paths. Until this past weekend.

I’m not one to share the intimate details of my life, but since I feel “saved,” I think my story might serve someone else well. Here goes: this past weekend, we attended an Imago Workshop originally created by Harville Hendrix. I won’t lie – it was a last ditch effort, not before divorce, but before we began the old, tired conversation of what we would do next/differently/in the future, to repair/rebuild/start a better relationship. Trust me, we’d gotten weary of this; we both felt that life was passing by too fast to always hit this brick wall. Right about now, our heads constantly hurt and we were hurt – there was a lot of anger and pain in our lives. One thousand dollars at one time would stave off months of unsuccessful therapy. If it worked, we would set ourselves on another course; if it failed, I’m not sure what we would do.

In the past, I had suggested a separation, but ultimately realized that I’d be alone/might not do better/would lose out on something not achieved here/the grass probably wouldn’t be greener on the other side, and didn’t follow through. One time I really intended to go through with this, but my husband sought help and I felt that I owed him the time to work on his issues.

In either case, that same struggle and that same last ditch effort was apparently true for the four other couples who also attended the workshop. No one looked very happy.  In fact, several people and couples seemed in dire straits.

Our therapist, Tammy Nelson, herself on a second marriage, served as part cheerleader, part counselor and part den mother always encouraging us to use the “I” word, and never allowing pointed fingers or blame. She was determined to have us face ourselves in the process.  She never waivered in her firm belief that if we did not heal our own wounds, no marriage could survive and none of us would find the happiness and peace we all craved. By the looks of things, all of us could use some peace, and more than a little sleep.

Imago is the Latin word for “image.” It rests on the premise that as humans we take in love from our primary caretakers, getting positive and (often mostly) negative messages while attaching (or not) and receiving love. To further our existence, we then develop survival patterns learning how to act or “be” in order to get love, approval or most importantly safety.

These basic patterns become our modus operandi for life. We nearly always partner or marry the very person who gives you the (same) good and most often bad parts of our caretakers. If you craved affection as a child, you would naturally be attracted to an affectionate, sometimes smothering person. You would believe that this person would make you “whole” again. However, while they served you well in the early stages of your relationship, as your own feelings became stirred, their affection may become oppressive to you. You might think that they need to change (they can’t!), but, according to Imago, it’s you who needs to transform.

The very conflict that occurs at these moments is the process of healing and growth trying, but not succeeding in happening.  When you are tempted to look for a different partner, the Imago theory is that you are probably with the right person, and that they most likely have the reverse story of their own to work out. In fact, our therapist was adamant in stating that individuals look for partners whose story and essence forces us to confront and heal our own wounds.  So, to use our own relationship as an example, it isn’t my husband’s inability to listen, give me time and “be present” that is the issue, it is my childhood wound of never being listened to and never having parents “be present,” that needs to be addressed. Painful words, but a truth that just cut all of us “to the quick.” 

The Imago Theory wants us to know this:

We have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to the end of longing. When we do so, we have taken the first step on the journey to real love.

Conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in nature is in conflict, and it is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. 
Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship. Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done to heal themselves. Relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.

And understand this:

You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise--and, like you, in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle and set you on the path of real love.

According to their website, the techniques look like this:

You use effective communications techniques to restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say is mirrored back to you, validated, and sympathized with. By stating your frustrations clearly, you articulate exactly what you need from the other person in order to heal.

In the Dialogue, both partners are motivated by the Receiver’s desire to hear and be understood, and by the Sender’s need to be heard and understood. The dialogue forces partners to devote specific uninterrupted time to the relationship. One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds – the realities of each person. The reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued and even loved, but not made to be identical to our own.

The Dialogue must also be turned into action to give our partners what they need, not just what is easy to give. In a Conscious relationship, we agree to change in order to give our partner what they need. In this, change is the catalyst for healing.

The process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give our partners what they need requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Often we may feel that we’re losing ourselves, but we are not ourselves now. It is the crucible of change that we regain ourselves.

Over time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, and as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, our pain and self-absorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners and our feelings of connection to the other that were foremost in the pain of our childhood. Finally, we learn to see our partners for themselves, and not merely as extensions of ourselves or as we wish they were.

Their conclusion:

A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again, to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.

Our therapist stated that without further therapeutic reinforcement, Hendrix had determined that most couples retain positive benefits of the weekend for up to 14 weeks. I can honestly say that the information we learned about each other, the depth of commitment we made, the steps we’ve already taken to change our: approach, methods, reactions, and responses; the inherent respect for each other’s similarities and differences was as if we undertook hypnosis and woke up liking…no make that loving each other more intently and more concertedly than before.

For the first time in a very, very long time, the gloves have been taken off and we’re starting back on the small, very small things – a kiss here, a glance there, and more kindness than we’ve seen in nearly our whole marriage. So, I’m sold. More importantly, I’m encouraged that I can experience the rest of our lives together in happiness and in peace. 

If you are seeking a solution to the trouble in your marriage/partnership, I encourage you to try this. It requires guts, transparency and a willingness to listen and be heard. It requires a softening of the heart and the realization that what seemed unanswerable and unfixable is actually the opposite and right around your corner.

It takes so much more energy to continue with strife, pain and anger than it does to let life unfold, especially with hopefulness and less pain. Today, we stand stronger and are doing it together hand-in-hand.

The New Journey - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

As a sequel to my former two blogs, I continue with my issue of divorce, but in a much more positive way. From the comments from last week’s blog, as well as some very meaningful advice from my therapist and even my Rabbi, I’ve begun what we are referring to as my “New Journey.”

This all started when I sat with my therapist and began to lambaste my husband about the new things he is doing (such as going skiing), with my son. I ranted and raved that I used to ski, but gave it up because my husband had no interest in it. My therapist then explained to me what she terms, “The Journey.”

As she described it, many people go through different “Journeys” during their lifetimes. Some couples are able to manage going through these journeys together. Other couples end up apart, because their personal journeys conflict for some reason and the couple is unable to merge their journeys together. She was essentially saying that my husband and I have grown apart in certain ways. And although I was willing to try to “merge” our different interests, he was not. She said that for some reason, he doesn’t want to include you on his new path in life. He wants something different. And he wants to do it alone or only include our son.

As painful as it was to hear this, I had to admit that my husband and I had been pursuing interests that neither one of us would have wanted to participate in. I no more would want to participate in an all day bike-a-thon than he would want to learn about theology. Our paths were already diverging.

My Rabbi, coincidentally, also used the word “journey” when I was discussing my current state of mind. She also felt that sometimes two people come together and have common interests and goals, only to find out that they have literally grown out of each other. And she reiterated that my husband already has started to move on and that I needed to try to do the same as well. Walking around with bitterness and resentment regarding a situation I can and never will be able to change is counter productive, at the least. I need to move on also.

My only lingering question to both my therapist and Rabbi was, “But what about my son? He is an innocent victim in all of this.” They both eluded that he would have to form his own “journey” through all of this. And if he needed counseling to help him do that, I would provide it.

So, here I am embarking on my New Journey. To be quite honest, I don’t even know what that is or where I am going. Except for taking a new class in theology, not much has changed in my life. Except for one really important thing:  My son has needed to go to bed much earlier the past couple of weeks because he is now sleeping longer than his usual 8 hours. Once we turn out the lights, he asks to hold my hand or arm as he drifts off. At first I was annoyed that I had to spend that extra time doing “nothing.” But I heard my therapist’s voice in the back of my head saying, “He is regressing a little. He’s clinging because he needs you.” So I decided to take the time I now use to help him fall asleep and utilize it towards something I used to do religiously, but found I was unable to fit it in at all in my chaotic life: Meditate. I sit on the floor, next to my son’s bed, as he holds my hand with his little one, and I clear my mind and breathe long, deep, slow breaths. And I realized a couple days ago that I was beginning my New Journey! I was starting to meditate again! And hopefully this will work its way into other facets of my life. Eventually my new path will be filled with new endeavors, new people and new goals. And I will have my son to share what I find interesting in my journey.

Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings

~ Tao Te Ching ~

I couldn’t have said it more eloquently myself.

What is “Better?” - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

“BETTER” - of superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness, preferable”

I must admit that I was humbled by the number of concerned and genuine written and verbal comments my blog elicited last week. However, as true as all of the comments were, the essence that I took away from all of them was that my life would eventually “get better.” So I began to ponder both my life and the term, “better.” I came up with a list of questions that will sound bitter, and angry, and sarcastic because...well...I AM feeling bitter, angry and sarcastic. So, for those of you who truly had my best intentions in mind, and I sincerely appreciated all of them, please see past the bitter feelings and reflect on these questions:

Is “better” having my son ripped from his family unit and having to share time between two parents?

Is “better” being a single Mom to a child with multiple learning disabilities, and having to be the primary caretaker?

Is “better” having a child learn to deal with two different parenting styles, one of which is completely against his nature?

Is “better” having to pay a divorce lawyer almost $2000 of what was going to be my son’s college money just to fill out stupid, inane, paperwork when my child could have perhaps put that money into 2 college classes later in life?

Is “better” having one of your two pets, both of which your child adores, practically taken away because that pet favors the other parent?

Is “better” having to deal with stress related illnesses just about every single day, watching your own body become feeble and frail in the process?

Is “better” having a child have to share holidays, vacations and birthdays between each parent?

Is “better” attending a special event of your child’s, standing on the opposite side of the room from your former spouse, having as little communication as feasibly possible with that spouse, cheering on your child, hugging and kissing him for doing so well, and then having both parents leave in separate cars?

Is “better” not only not knowing what to say to friends when they inquire about the impending divorce? And is “better” having a child wonder what the heck is going on in their family but barely able to comprehend, let alone ask appropriate questions about what the heck is going on, because you don’t even know yourself? 

Is “better” having to linger in this “lifestyle” until your child goes off to college, which will roughly be 10 years from now?

After contemplating the smattering of questions I exemplified, can anyone honestly tell me that my life will get “better?” I seriously doubt so. Although I am open to being receptive to comments to the contrary.

I made a conscious decision to have a child and build a family. I looked forward to having a loving spouse, who would be there for this family during good times and in bad. I may never know just what went awry. But what I am experiencing and will be experiencing is far from “better.” And it’s a damn shame, especially for my child. Because out of us all, he’s the one who deserves “better.”