From Plants to Ramps by Robin Gorman Newman

What does a day in the life of a “later” mom look like? Depends on the day of the week, but of late in particular, it's jam-packed and not altogether fun.

I feel like a chicken without a head. (A fitting expression.…but where did it come from?!) Jumping from one task to the next, many of which are unrelated, it's a wonder I can track everything. Thankfully, I excel at preparing copious TO DO lists...though in my effort to be organized, sometimes it feels overwhelming. My notes are handwritten. Not in my Blackberry. For me, there is something to be said for the tangibility of paper, even if it involves sporting around a clunky hard covered date book. No way I can be confused with a techie, but it works for me.

That said, one of my fellow “later” mom friends called me last week to touch base. She asked how my day was going.

I told her I was involved with plants and ramps. What? she asked.

It was a true representation of my sandwich generation life.

Though I’m not much of a PTA baby, I decided to join the Plant Sale committee. It is the biggest fundraiser for my son’s elementary school (who knew?!), and despite my not having a particularly green thumb, somehow it called out to me. An email was sent by the committee head to those who expressed interest in serving. There were about 15 names on the list. An initial meeting was planned, and it wound up being just three of us. I was surprised by the lack of present bodies. I was looking forward to a meeting where ideas would be shared. This turned out to be a session reviewing the plant catalog and deciding upon which planters to order. (Are you yawning yet?!) The committee head had already made the decisions for the most part, and was looking for confirmation re: her choices. The next meeting (don't get too excited) will be when the actual plant selection is done. And, I'll be volunteering at the sale itself in May.

Re: the ramp portion of my day. My father recently suffered a stroke and has been in rehab. Anticipating his return home in a couple of weeks, I’ve been conducting meetings with ramp companies to explore the preparation of his ranch house for wheelchair accessibility. In in a short period of time, I’ve learned more about ramps, lifts, etc. that I’ve ever thought necessary. Fortunately in the mix of meetings, a friend recommended a reasonably-priced contractor who proposed the most economical and what seems like the most feasible approach, so I’m grateful to have a direction that feels right.

It’s no surprise that there are nights I don’t sleep well…with visions of plants and ramps swirling through my mind. And, that was just for that particular week.

On any given day, I’m tackling a multitude of projects, not to mention professional pursuits. Can’t say the life of a work at home mom is boring, though choosing planters is a far cry from the career I once had in what feels like a lifetime ago….working as a public relations professional in NYC….the Vice President of a mid sized firm. (I later went on to open my own PR practice.)

I know that on the professional front there are exciting things ahead, but personally, a midlife mom's gotta do what she's gotta do, even if it means deliberating about wood vs. metal and hibiscus vs. herbs.

What do you have on your personal plate that isn't as exciting as you wish? Do share.....

My Day in Court - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Three days to be exact. The first day was a quick postponement to the following week. The second was a postponement to a few days later. That day we sat there for three hours before they finally announced the postponement. Courts are not terribly considerate. Finally, our day came. While our attorneys went into a separate room with the law secretary, my husband and I sat there for two hours checking our e-mail, not doing much else. That’s besides the point.

Court is not a place you would want to voluntarily go to unless you were getting paid to be there. Or HAD to go. Now I understand why lawyers make so much money. Even my lawyer agreed that it disturbs her to be there at times. I really don’t blame her.

Although my husband and I were there to initiate our never-ending divorce, I witnessed many things that happened that both shocked me and even made my heart stand still. I am not at liberty to reveal what happened on the day our case was initiated, but I have plenty to tell about what I observed during the endless hours I spent there waiting.

I had been told by my lawyer that no judge would ever subject a child by putting them on the stand to be questioned unless the case was highly unusual. Low and behold, on our second day there, the courtroom was locked because the judge had a twelve year old girl being questioned. I nervously whispered to my attorney, “They wouldn’t put an eight-year-old on the stand, would they??” She said in all the years she had been trying cases in matrimonial court, this was the first time she ever witnessed a child being questioned. Her response made me feel a little better. Later, though, the mother of this child burst out of the courtroom with a family friend or relative, whaling and sobbing in tears. The judge decided to take away custody of her children from her and give them to her ex-husband. I discovered that the reason for this was because this mother allegedly physically and verbally abused her children. Although I am a strong advocate against child abuse in even the most minor of instances, the heartbreaking sound of this mother in pain still broke my heart. If anyone took my son away from me, I’d probably faint on the spot.

Obviously there is much more to this case than I witnessed. If this mother was abusive in any way, she should have sought medical treatment for her behavior prior to this event. Again, I don’t know what the circumstances were before, so I can only postulate.

As I was still sitting around, observing, I overheard snippets of conversation between clients and their attorneys. I was shocked to hear the way these attorneys spoke to their clients! Absolutely no respect. Degrading. Patronizing. One attorney told his client that if his client didn’t like how he was representing her, she could fire him!! Total disregard to this woman’s concerns! I whispered to my attorney, “I’m so glad you are nice, considerate and compassionate. Some of these lawyers are so rude to their clients!” She said she hears it every day. Some attorneys and their clients are just not the right “fit.” So I replied, “But wouldn’t you sense that in the first consult or subsequent interactions? Why wait until court? And if the attorney thought that the client was too difficult to handle, don’t they have the right to refuse the case?” My lawyer said I am too ethical. She said that some attorneys have great reputations for winning cases but are very difficult to deal with. I just sat there saying a thousand prayers that I have a great attorney who happens to also be compassionate, understanding, and really listens to what I have to say and doesn’t blow me off.

Courts are intimidating. Some of the clients looked just as intimidating. I dressed in a very tailored, sophisticated outfit. Very modest. There were women clients dressed in skin tight dresses and 5-inch heels. Others had so much make-up on, you could practically peel it off. And some men came in ratty jeans and flannel shirts!! Although my husband nor I ever saw the judge, I was still surprised to see my husband show up in khaki pants and a sports jacket! He owns a dozen suits. He couldn’t wear one of them to court? No matter what anyone says, first impressions always count. You don’t get a second chance.

My next court appearance won’t be for a few more months. I get a much needed reprieve. With my dog dying, my son having grief issues and the holidays, I need a break. And a new year to start out fresh with.

Products to Get You Through the Cold and Illness Season While Educating Your Children- by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Maty’s 

Get Better. Be Better.

All Natural Products

Timing is everything. These products are no exception. My entire family came down with sinus infections over the past week. I received several products from the Maty’s line to try and blog a review. Maty’s Healthy Products is a line of all natural, homeopathic and gluten-free cough and cold remedies that are safe and effective to use on infants (three months) and adults. All I can say is, thank goodness! We were all suffering and Maty’s All Natural cough and cold products were a welcome relief.

The Products Include:

• All Natural Cough Syrup with antioxidant-rich Buckwheat Honey
• All Natural Baby Chest Rub – with immune-boosting soothing essential oils
• All Natural Kids Cough Syrup with banana-caramel taste
• Breath Better Nasal Ointment
• All Natural Vapor Rub

I first tried the All Natural Cough Syrup, made with antioxidant rich Buckwheat Honey along with nine immune support ingredients. We were sent an unflavored sample for adults and a caramel banana flavored sample for children. My son is not a big fan of anything sweet, so he tried the adult sample, in the children’s dose, while I tried the flavored syrup. Since he was not up to trying the flavored syrup, I sampled the unflavored one. Oddly, I liked the flavored syrup over the unflavored, while my son preferred the unflavored. Although the cough syrups are marketed for children and adults independently, because the products are all natural, adults can take the children’s products and children over one year of age can take the adult products. The only difference is the dosage.

My husband tried Maty’s Breathe Better Nasal Ointment. I asked him to sample this one because I know that he has used similar nasal ointment products by other companies in the past. I wanted a discerning consumer’s opinion. Because the ointment has lemon balm in it, my husband said that he liked inhaling the soothing smell. He said it also dispersed in the nasal cavity more smoothly than other products he has tried in the past. My husband said he would continue to use this nasal ointment over others he has tried. He is a big fan of all natural products. This one won him over!

Finally, we were given samples of Maty”s All Natural Chest Rub. I’m a big fan of vapor chest rubs because they bring back wonderful memories of my Mother rubbing my chest and lower neck with the camphor scented ointment. What I loved about Maty’s Vapor Rub is that it has eucalyptus, wintergreen and peppermint! A much more delicate scent combination than the camphor I remember. I didn’t feel overwhelmed by the scent. There was even a Maty’s Mom Tip: “For a unique and effective method of application, rub on bottom of feet.” How pampering with a pair of warm socks on!

My son does not like ointments on him, so I tried the Baby Chest Rub. I compared it with a container of another brand name baby chest rub I had been using up since my son wouldn’t use it. Again, the scent was so much less overpowering. It was a beautiful combination of eucalyptus, lavender and chamomile. A wonderful combination for a congested baby.

Maty’s All Natural products are now a welcome addition to our house. If you prefer using all natural remedies when your family members are sick, give Maty's products a try. Since I began writing this review, my cough has quieted already! Check out these products at: www.matyshealthyproducts.com. The full line is launching early winter and products will be available at local grocery stores and pharmacies (Stop & Shop, Rite Aid, Duane Reade, etc.)

Imagine It! 

DVD

Since my son was home from school and we were still sick, we decided to watch an extremely intriguing documentary, Imagine It! My son is a very science focused person, so I thought that this DVD would be of interest to him. I was absolutely correct!

IMAGINE IT poses the question: What if you imagined a better world, then engaged in making it happen? The film encourages children to pursue an education in the field of math and science to create the changes they would like to see in a world that they would want to live in. Educators profess with confidence that the best way to predict the future is to invent it and considering that half of the world’s population is under the age of 25 (that’s 3 billion people) there is considerable potential for a new future of creators. As one of the greatest creative minds, Walt Disney, said “All of our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.”

Imagine It! is designed to provide a forum for discussion around the power of big ideas in action and to inspire people to imagine a better world by connecting imagination and creativity with science and engineering in education. 

With this DVD, you get to hear from innovators, scientists and authors, such as Ray Kurtzweil and Sally Ride, who are joining a movement to get creative thinking and the arts back into schools. Imagine It! will help the public to have a better understanding of the importance of science, engineering and technology and hopes to inspire the next generation of innovators.

The 52-minute film reports on the promise of a new youth culture engaging their curiosity to change the world, empowered by science, technology, education and desire. It is about connecting imagination and creativity with science and engineering in education. 

 IMAGINE IT! features the following experts and thought-leaders:

• Ray Kurzweil – Futurist and Author, The Singularity is Near
• Sally Ride – Physicist, NASA astronaut, first American woman in space

• Chris Wink, Phil Stanton, Matt Goldman – Co-Founders, The Blue Man Group

• Charles Vest – Former President of MIT, current President of the National Academy of Engineering
• Sir Ken Robinson – Author, All Our Futures: Creativity, Culture and Education

DVD EXTRA:

• The Post-It® Challenge – An experiment for students all over the world to add value to a pack of Post-It® Notes...in just 6 days! My son was scavaging the house for post-its so that he could participate in the challenge! A true creator, my son.

Iliza Shlesinger, winner of NBC’s Last Comic Standing, stars as the host of this documentary. Director Rudy Poe co-founded the Imagine It! Project with Richard Tavener. The non-profit company’s mission is to promote the power of imagination and the importance of living a creative life. His mantra is Experience for today. Vision for tomorrow.

Imagine It! is available for $19.95 as a DVD or Digital Download. 

http://www.imagineitproject.com/

Note: Thanks to the above companies for providing sample products.  Cara Potapshyn Meyers and MotherhoodLater.com assume no liability relative to products reviewed in this blog.

Addendum to last week’s blog, Wicked October: Our Sweet Lama LuLu dog passed into Doggie Heaven on Friday, November 4, 2011. She will be missed dearly.

What a Difference a Day Makes - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Or, more accurately, what a difference a medication can make over the course of one day!

As I ranted last week about my son continually taking off his medication patch for his ADHD, my HUSBAND (yes, the same one who would NEVER, EVER put his son on ADHD medication!) actually put a call into my son’s ADHD doctor to see if we could switch from using the patch medication to a long-acting oral pill. We were given the same medication that was in the patch, but given by mouth once a day instead.

What a difference a day DOES make!

The first day that my son took the pill, he behaved exactly like our son only toned down a few notches. Even better, I discovered that my son has exhibited less overall anxiety and has been far more in touch with his feelings. Instead of blowing up when his anger became too much to handle, he has been much better able to communicate what he wants or needs in the present moment. I have found that ability in him to be remarkable. And it is all due to a tiny, time-release medication. I thank the Heavens that this med is working for my son and working well. I don’t think my husband would tolerate trials of different medications to see which worked best. I have finally discovered my true Angel, only a little more new and improved!! And I absolutely love it!

My son’s ADHD is genetic on his paternal side. His father has it. His Uncles have it. Even his Grandfather has it. Only one of my son’s Uncles is willing to admit he has ADHD. The rest of the family is in denial. My blog today focuses on parents and how they deal with their children’s diagnoses. ADHD is often genetic. As I mentioned above, my staunchly adamant ADHD husband, who was against giving my son ANY form of ADHD medication, now is convinced that we have a “new and improved” child!

The research is quite intriguing. From what I have both researched and personally experienced, parents come in two distinct categories when it comes to their ADHD children. There are parents I have met who accept that their child has ADHD even if the other parent refuses to accept the diagnosis (such as in my case). The accepting parents try very hard to play an active role and be the very best role model they can be when they are with their child. They try their best to educate themselves and learn to work with their ADHD child rather than against him or her.

On the other hand, there are parents who resemble my husband. These parents refuse to acknowledge that their children have any disorders at all. They are harsh with their children, overly strict, and domineering. A combustible combination if there ever was one. Because ADHD children are commonly very intelligent, they recognize that they are not being treated fairly and power struggles ensue. Relationships with these types of parents either never “jell” or they fail miserably because of the parent’s refusal to look beyond themselves and see who their child really is.

I discovered some interesting facts through my research of how parents relate with and affect their children. There are parents who take classes, look for books or articles to read or join support groups to learn as much as they can about their ADHD child. Also, the parents who are accepting of their child’s ADHD should try to educate themselves not only about the disorder, but also about the different types of ADHD and how it affects their child.

According to an article from the Northern County Psychiatric Associates, ADHD has three basic features:

•  Inattention (distractibility, daydreaming or “spacing out”)

•  Physical hyperactivity (fidgetiness, running about, or “flitting” from one task to another)

•  Impulsivity (acting without thinking and many times later regretting it)

The article states, “Children with combined ADHD involve inattention along with hyperactivity and/or impulsivity. This is a classic ‘boy type’ ADHD. These children can be creative and charming, but may require more of the parent’s time and energy.” My son falls into this category. And as an older Mom, I could have told them that these children definitely require much more time and energy!

I am not the only one in a situation where parents are divided on this issue. As the aforementioned article points out, “Some parents may base their opinions on inaccurate or skewed material. In previous generations, there was more stigma associated with mental illness and behavior disorders." If a parent perceived ADHD as shameful, they didn’t want to think that it could appear in their family.

Very unfortunately, there are parents who constantly yell at their ADHD children. Some parents spank their ADHD children. The article goes on to say, “Parents should take special care to avoid such punishment in ADHD children because it can lead the children to become impulsive. These children might get the message that the use of hitting or violence is a way to resolve conflicts. Gentler methods, even if they take longer, provide the child with a model of how to resolve disagreements.”

Parents must strive to use gentler methods and be a positive role model to their children. This was why it was so challenging to discipline my son last week when he was going through his “rebound effect.” His nerve endings were going through withdrawal. It would not have been fair to my son to punish him when he has absolutely no control over his nerve endings! The best I could do was to try to keep him safe until the medication left his system.

Above all, treating the child with respect elicits lasting respect between parents and their children. This is the foundation in every action you have with your child. Especially an ADD/ADHD child. Respect goes a huge way towards fostering a loving, caring relationship with any child and his or her parents.

“Parents can fill an important psychological role in their children’s development,” the article states. “Children tend to perceive the parent’s acceptance as more unconditional. In many cases, the parent can be a source of advice and comfort. Even during adolescence, a child may try to pull away from their parents but because there is still respect, the teen usually will choose to maintain a closeness to their parents.” This is why it is so imperative that parents be encouraged to learn all they can about ADHD and how it affects their children. The more empowered parents feel, the more proactive they can be.

A little bit of knowledge, at any age, can go a long way towards helping children with ADHD feel loved, accepted and successful. And respect can go a very long way to fulfilling lasting, unconditional relationships between both parents and their children. And one day, should your child require ADHD medication, you might see a miracle buried inside of your wonderful child. Then you will agree and be saying, “Wow! What a difference a day (or a medication) makes!”

Discovering a Piece of the Puzzle - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

It has been a while since I updated our readers on my still pending divorce. I found, by happenstance, a very interesting piece of information that may help me to understand the “I don’t know,” I’ve always received as an answer when I asked my husband why he doesn’t even want to try to work on mending our family. I think I found the answer. Or, at least part of the answer.

Months ago, I chalked up his, “I don’t know,” responses as him just being, “not that into you.” I believe I even wrote a blog about it. Yet, it still weighed heavily on my mind because I just couldn’t understand how you could love someone with all your heart for 20 years, and then just, “not be into you.” It made absolutely no sense at all to me.

I was asked to write a short article on ADD/ADHD children and their relationships with their Grandparents. Interestingly, I found four fairly decent articles, but I continued my search to see whether I could unearth something additional to refer to. I came across an article that had absolutely nothing to do with ADD children and their Grandparents, but the title of the article struck me. I tried to move on but couldn’t. This article was begging to be read.

The title of the article was, “I’m OK - You’re Not!” written by Melissa Orlov from Additude Magazine. Very fitting title for my circumstance. I was already aware of Ms. Orlov’s interest in ADHD, as I purchased one of the books she had written, but never read. I quickly skimmed the introduction, paying more attention to the main categories. Halfway through the article, I stopped in my tracks. The title of this category was, “The Hyperfocus Courtship.” For those of you who are unaware of hyperfocusing in an ADD/ADHD person, the individual’s brain chemistry continues to keep firing until a certain task is completed. Thus, the person gives 100% attention to that task until the person is satisfied with the outcome. I have seen it many times with my son. If he hyperfocuses on schoolwork, that’s very positive. If he comes to me at 9:30pm and wants me to help him write a “book,” this is undesirable hyperfocusing because my son needs to go to bed. It is pointless to argue with a hyperfocusing person. You just elicit more power struggles. So I just said, “Mommy is tired and has to go to bed. Please consider trying to work on your project tomorrow morning.” He fell asleep on his “book” at 11:30pm. He actually brought about his own consequence. He was very tired the next day. This is just an example of an ADD person hyperfocusing on a task or project. I never knew that a person could hyperfocus on a relationship, though. Here is where Ms. Orlov’s words hit home:

“The biggest shock to ADHD relationships comes with the transition from courtship to marriage. Typically, a person with ADHD hyperfocuses on his partner in the early stages of a relationship. He makes her feel she is the center of his world. When the hyperfocus stops, the relationship changes dramatically.” The center of his world. How many times had I said those exact words to my therapists when describing my early relationship with my husband? The center of his world. I read her words over and over. Ms. Orlov hit the nail right on the head...mine to be exact! I was stunned by this revelation, but it also made so much sense. I needed to pass it by my therapy professionals to get their perspectives.

My ADD therapist thought that I found my answer. She said, when a partner’s hyperfocus shuts off, the non-ADHD spouse is left bewildered. And if counseling isn’t sought immediately, the relationship is almost assuredly doomed. I asked her whether my husband’s hyperfocus of me could have lasted so many years. She replied that it was not common, but it could certainly be found. She told me she felt that I was probably the very unfortunate victim of a hyperfocusing partner whose brain chemicals just stopped firing. That is probably why my husband “doesn’t know” why he doesn’t want a relationship with me. He is in denial that he even has ADHD, so he wouldn’t know of nor understand his hyperfocusing of me and now the lack of it. The other therapy professionals agreed.

So there you have it. I am a victim of ADHD hyperfocus burnout. I suppose it is not much different than having been in a relationship with a partner who was in denial about their manic/depressive disorder or alcoholism or other myriad psychological disorders. I am in just an extremely unfortunate circumstance.

The good news is for my son. He already has an ADD diagnosis. He will learn coping strategies and techniques to work through and around his hyperfocus episodes. He will be able to identify when he hyperfocuses. He will have me to guide him through his younger years and help him figure out what to do in various situations. And because I know all of the tell-tail signs, I can gently discuss them with him and coach him through. With a blessing and a kiss, I pray he never finds himself or his family in the situation we are currently facing. Once is more than enough.

Ask and Ye Shall Be Heard....Hopefully by Robin Gorman Newman

This past weekend was a hectic one.  In between spending time visiting my dad at the rehab facility, Seth had two kid birthday parties, baseball practice, kick boxing, and Marc and I had theatre tickets.

My husband and I split up the activities for Seth, as we played chauffeur, not to mention getting caught in the rain without an umbrella when the heavens suddenly opened up after party #1.

Our plan worked until Sunday morning when Marc announced he had two hours before they needed to leave for the party, and did we need anything at the supermarket?  I had just done a quick food shop the day before, so "no."  Clearly, I got the impression he was looking for a reason to get out of the house.  Perhaps I was mistaken, but that was how it felt in my gut.  I obliged and suggested he visit my father, and he seized the opportunity.  He asked Seth if he wanted to go with him, and he opted to stay home to play with this toys, or so Marc thought.

Marc presumed that meant he would amuse himself, but that's not how it turned out.  He wanted to play with me, and since it was the weekend, I felt badly turning him down, despite the fact I planned to work Sunday....at least for the afternoon.  I was counting on a decent chunk of time to craft a speech on Life in the Later Mom Lane for the MOM Conference in NYC that I delivered on 5/23.  Marc knew that.

When Marc returned, he was surprised to see me perched on the master bed with Seth instead of in my office.  He thought I'd be dilligently typing my talk on the computer, but instead I had Seth glued to me at the hip.  He anticipated I'd tell Seth I don't have time for play.  I responded to Marc by getting angry and suggesting  he didn't respect my needs.  I had made it clear I required time, so why didn't he insist Seth accompany him instead of putting me in the position to deny playtime with him?!  It made me feel like he had no problem with me being the bad one.  And, on top of it, I felt like a babysitter.  He didn't ask if it was ok if he went out.  In fact, I was kinda stunned at the moment that he didn't just stay home and engage Seth. Did he need me to tell him that?  Apparently....yes.

When I explained how I felt to Marc that evening, after they returned from the party and I declared he was in charge of Seth's bath, Marc was surprised I was upset.  In his eyes, he was trying to be helpful by offering to do an errand.

What I realized is that if you need or want something, you have to express it with total clarity and conviction.  I could have articulated I need you to stay home with Seth while I work, but I didn't think I had to spell it out.  I presumed he'd get it, and that was my mistake.  You can't get inside someone else's head, and the older I get, the more I realize that.  And, this is true whether family or friends.  Not everyone thinks as we do or has the insight or foresight to be there as we'd hope in a perfect world.  I experienced that just recently when I saw what friends were by my side during the stress of my father's surgery.

Loved ones do their best, and the more we can guide them, the better job they will do.  At the end of the day, they want to see us happy, and my husband is a big supporter of my goals and pursuits (for the most part).

Next time, I won't hesitate to ask for what I need.  His heart was in the right place, that much I do know.

Sometimes the Greatest Gift is the One We Don't Give....by Liimu

Today is my husband’s 46th birthday. What I wanted to give him more than anything else this year was the freedom to launch his own music production studio. Before I found out I was pregnant with our first child last spring, my husband and I talked about his plans for starting his own business. When I started my business over three years ago, he supported me without hesitation. Even when the economy tanked in my second year of business and it looked like we might not make it, he never suggested I throw in the towel and go back to working for a traditional company. He helped me to brainstorm how we might get through it.

So when I realized that my company was going to be successful in good times and bad, I knew it was time for me to give him that same love and support he had given me for so many years.
My husband has been on leave with me for these past nine weeks and we have loved being together. We have loved being with Max, snuggling him and watching him grow. So naturally, I didn’t want it to end. I suggested maybe he should just stay home with him, rather than pay to have someone else watch him, and then he could grow his business at the same time. On paper, it sounded great to us both.

What I was forgetting was my type triple A, controlling, take no prisoners, take no mess personality. In a matter of days (fueled not in small part by spending some time with my sisters and my mother, who are just like me), I began bossing him around, telling him how I thought he should start his business, what I thought he needed to do to make it work, how he needed to HUSTLE. Finally, after days of this, he finally confessed that I was beginning to scare him and he thought he’d actually rather go to work and build his business at night rather than continue on listening to me nag at him about all he needed to do. I professed to be loving and supporting him, doing what I could to help him make his dreams come true. Meanwhile, what I was actually doing was scaring the shit out of him and at the same time sucking every last drop of happiness out of his journey. Clearly not my intent.

So instead, we decided to go with his plan. I am backing off and waiting for him to ask for my help or advice (which he has, once or twice). He’s going back to work in a few weeks and the time we have left together is all the more precious, and his desire to make his dream come true so he can leave his job for real is even stronger than it was before.
I am extremely blessed to have a job that I love, one that pays well and affords me the flexibility to spend time with my children and doing the things that I love. I’m not kidding myself or stretching the truth at all when I say that all I want is for my husband to have a job he loves just as much. What I realized this past week, however, is that the dream has to be his and how its realized has to be his decision. I can’t dream it for him and I can’t realize it for him. I can believe in it, though, and I can watch eagerly and with pride and baited breath as he makes it come true.

For more information about my husband Glen and the music production services he offers, visit www.maadmusicpro.com.

Sundays, Sundays - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Mothers think about their children (no matter how old) day & night. Mothers love their children in a way they'll never understand. Mothers will be there for their children when no one else will. Mothers would take a bullet, jump in front of a train or ask God to take them instead of their child. If you have children you love as much as I love mine, post this as your status.

I hate Sundays. I actually loathe Sundays. I even begin to hate Sunday on Saturday. Why would anyone hate a nice, lazy, weekend day?? Because my husband has designated Saturdays as his day to spend with my son and therefore I get to spend all day on Sunday with my son. 

Now, on the surface, that appears fair and equitable. But in reality, it is far from it. My husband doesn’t sleep at home on Friday nights. He comes by to pick up my son around 8:30 - 9:00 am and brings him home roughly 12 hours later. On the contrary, my husband leaves for the gym at 7 am on Sundays when my son just awakens, and lately has gotten home close to or after 11 pm. And many times, my son waits until my husband comes home to tell him something exciting or ask him a question. Unless it is an emergency, my husband has made it clear that he is unavailable to speak or text with during the day. And the few times I have tried, I have gotten a response hours later.

The quip above had been floating around Facebook on Sunday. Although I was having one of the worst days with my son, I still felt, deep down inside that this still applied. But my comment underneath was, “VERY debatable.” I was having a really rough day with my son. And with no help and also 2 dogs to care for, it made for an even more challenging day.

The day started with a urine soaked bamboo bath mat and equally soaked bathroom floor. Need I say more? My son was distracted by something and wasn’t watching where he was “aiming.” My husband had left already and I was left to roll up and dispose of the mat and scrub down the entire bathroom floor. All at 7 am, sans even coffee. I can assure you that my husband has never had to begin “his” day with my son this way. And there have been other days when I have woken up to changing my son’s urine soaked bedding and have had to strip his bed at 7 am and do loads of laundry and re-make his bed. My therapists all claim that this is all a result of the psychological dynamics going on within our household. Yet I am always the one left to do the “dirty work,” as most mothers are.

The day only became worse. My son had a bad cold, so I felt that he needed a day of relaxation. This “relaxation” day tumbled into a day of tantrums and meltdowns...both his and mine. He “lost” a Pokemon/Bakugan/Yu Gi Oh card. There were cards strewn all over his bed, his desk and the floor. I tried to remain calm and got some gallon size Baggies and black markers. We identified each bag for each appropriate set of cards and sorted the cards into their respective bags. This alone took almost an hour and a half. And did we find my son’s “lost” card? Of course we did! In his pants pocket as I was sorting laundry to do!

Then there were meltdowns. My son waits until he is starving before he tells me he is hungry and “can’t wait” for me to make his meal (a carry over from when he was a baby. There were never any whimpers of uncomfortableness when he needed a bottle. He needed it yesterday and warmed yesterday! And his ear-piercing screams let you know it!). Then he didn’t like what the meal looked like, thus tasted like. So there were more meltdowns (mine) and tantrums (his). I ended up telling him that if he could find food to eat in the house (I had to go food shopping badly), he could eat. If he didn’t want the meal I made him and he couldn’t find anything to eat, he’d have to go hungry. A bunch of hunger-induced nasty insults were hurled my way (I say “hunger-induced” because my son has never spoken to me that way before. And after this past Sunday, I can promise you, he never will again.)

The dogs were taking their daily naps and he pounced on them. They, in turn, snarled at him (I would too if someone woke me up from a sound sleep!). His feelings got hurt terribly, so he spent a good half hour crying on the living room couch.

And the day gradually ended with a comment from my son that, at this point, not only made me laugh at the absurdity of it, but also gave me time for myself! My son said, “Mommy, I think you need to go to bed earlier because you’ve been cranky lately.” So I gladly responded, “Well, then I better get ready to go to bed around 10 o’clock so that I get a really good night of sleep and not wake up cranky!” To my surprise, my son didn’t balk when I said that I couldn’t hold his hand as he fell asleep. I meditated myself to sleep in my own bed. And ultimately, really did get a good night of sleep! And I made sure that I was bright and chipper in the morning so that my son would think that my going to bed early...his idea...was working!

It is a good thing that we have plans for the next four Sundays so that we can at least get out of the house! But at least you now have a glimpse of how horrible Sundays can be for me and why I hate them so much.

How much longer until my son graduates from high school??

The Couple’s Weekend Workshop by Cyma Shapiro (Or how to stop childhood patterns, find happiness, and restructure the relationship loop)

I love my husband. But, for the past 15 years, we’ve done a dance of wills, and had innumerable power struggles and issues. Despite a handful of therapists, we haven’t gotten it right. In many ways, we’ve just “missed” each other, always going down separate paths. Until this past weekend.

I’m not one to share the intimate details of my life, but since I feel “saved,” I think my story might serve someone else well. Here goes: this past weekend, we attended an Imago Workshop originally created by Harville Hendrix. I won’t lie – it was a last ditch effort, not before divorce, but before we began the old, tired conversation of what we would do next/differently/in the future, to repair/rebuild/start a better relationship. Trust me, we’d gotten weary of this; we both felt that life was passing by too fast to always hit this brick wall. Right about now, our heads constantly hurt and we were hurt – there was a lot of anger and pain in our lives. One thousand dollars at one time would stave off months of unsuccessful therapy. If it worked, we would set ourselves on another course; if it failed, I’m not sure what we would do.

In the past, I had suggested a separation, but ultimately realized that I’d be alone/might not do better/would lose out on something not achieved here/the grass probably wouldn’t be greener on the other side, and didn’t follow through. One time I really intended to go through with this, but my husband sought help and I felt that I owed him the time to work on his issues.

In either case, that same struggle and that same last ditch effort was apparently true for the four other couples who also attended the workshop. No one looked very happy.  In fact, several people and couples seemed in dire straits.

Our therapist, Tammy Nelson, herself on a second marriage, served as part cheerleader, part counselor and part den mother always encouraging us to use the “I” word, and never allowing pointed fingers or blame. She was determined to have us face ourselves in the process.  She never waivered in her firm belief that if we did not heal our own wounds, no marriage could survive and none of us would find the happiness and peace we all craved. By the looks of things, all of us could use some peace, and more than a little sleep.

Imago is the Latin word for “image.” It rests on the premise that as humans we take in love from our primary caretakers, getting positive and (often mostly) negative messages while attaching (or not) and receiving love. To further our existence, we then develop survival patterns learning how to act or “be” in order to get love, approval or most importantly safety.

These basic patterns become our modus operandi for life. We nearly always partner or marry the very person who gives you the (same) good and most often bad parts of our caretakers. If you craved affection as a child, you would naturally be attracted to an affectionate, sometimes smothering person. You would believe that this person would make you “whole” again. However, while they served you well in the early stages of your relationship, as your own feelings became stirred, their affection may become oppressive to you. You might think that they need to change (they can’t!), but, according to Imago, it’s you who needs to transform.

The very conflict that occurs at these moments is the process of healing and growth trying, but not succeeding in happening.  When you are tempted to look for a different partner, the Imago theory is that you are probably with the right person, and that they most likely have the reverse story of their own to work out. In fact, our therapist was adamant in stating that individuals look for partners whose story and essence forces us to confront and heal our own wounds.  So, to use our own relationship as an example, it isn’t my husband’s inability to listen, give me time and “be present” that is the issue, it is my childhood wound of never being listened to and never having parents “be present,” that needs to be addressed. Painful words, but a truth that just cut all of us “to the quick.” 

The Imago Theory wants us to know this:

We have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to the end of longing. When we do so, we have taken the first step on the journey to real love.

Conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in nature is in conflict, and it is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. 
Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship. Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done to heal themselves. Relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.

And understand this:

You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise--and, like you, in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle and set you on the path of real love.

According to their website, the techniques look like this:

You use effective communications techniques to restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say is mirrored back to you, validated, and sympathized with. By stating your frustrations clearly, you articulate exactly what you need from the other person in order to heal.

In the Dialogue, both partners are motivated by the Receiver’s desire to hear and be understood, and by the Sender’s need to be heard and understood. The dialogue forces partners to devote specific uninterrupted time to the relationship. One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds – the realities of each person. The reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued and even loved, but not made to be identical to our own.

The Dialogue must also be turned into action to give our partners what they need, not just what is easy to give. In a Conscious relationship, we agree to change in order to give our partner what they need. In this, change is the catalyst for healing.

The process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give our partners what they need requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Often we may feel that we’re losing ourselves, but we are not ourselves now. It is the crucible of change that we regain ourselves.

Over time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, and as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, our pain and self-absorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners and our feelings of connection to the other that were foremost in the pain of our childhood. Finally, we learn to see our partners for themselves, and not merely as extensions of ourselves or as we wish they were.

Their conclusion:

A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again, to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.

Our therapist stated that without further therapeutic reinforcement, Hendrix had determined that most couples retain positive benefits of the weekend for up to 14 weeks. I can honestly say that the information we learned about each other, the depth of commitment we made, the steps we’ve already taken to change our: approach, methods, reactions, and responses; the inherent respect for each other’s similarities and differences was as if we undertook hypnosis and woke up liking…no make that loving each other more intently and more concertedly than before.

For the first time in a very, very long time, the gloves have been taken off and we’re starting back on the small, very small things – a kiss here, a glance there, and more kindness than we’ve seen in nearly our whole marriage. So, I’m sold. More importantly, I’m encouraged that I can experience the rest of our lives together in happiness and in peace. 

If you are seeking a solution to the trouble in your marriage/partnership, I encourage you to try this. It requires guts, transparency and a willingness to listen and be heard. It requires a softening of the heart and the realization that what seemed unanswerable and unfixable is actually the opposite and right around your corner.

It takes so much more energy to continue with strife, pain and anger than it does to let life unfold, especially with hopefulness and less pain. Today, we stand stronger and are doing it together hand-in-hand.

Snow Day - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I loved Snow Days when I was a child! I would bundle up and first help my parents shovel our 125-foot driveway, curved uphill (what were they thinking when they bought that house??!). There were no plow services where we lived, some 30 odd years ago. But once that was taken care of (2 or more hours later, followed by a large mug of hot chocolate!), I would take my old fashioned, wooden toboggan and head to our local golf course, 3 houses down the road! What incredible fun it was for the local community to bring their sleds and swish down the hills into the powdery snow!

On other days, I would build a snowman on our front yard! I became so good at making them that passerbys in cars or sleds would stop to admire them! There were also snow angels to make and later, in my teens, learning to ski.

Besides the shoveling, however, I could never understand why my parents grumbled so much about the snow. Now, as an adult, I totally understand.

Here in the Northeast, we have had 3 blizzards within one month. Twice I had to stay up all night, when the snowfall was the heaviest, to shovel our back porch, steps and make a doggie alcove for our dogs to use. I was out there every 2 hours, for a half hour at a time. I was awake for 30+ hours during and after this past storm. And I actually measured 13 inches of snowfall with a yardstick at 4 am!

I am DONE with snow for the season now! Maybe forever! NOW I understand why my parents grumbled whenever a big storm came through!

Just pulling my car out of the garage is nearly impossible. There is a fence on one side and our house on the other, with 6-foot high piles of snow pressed up against the sides of the fence and house! My small size SUV barely squeezes through this snow tunnel!

Forget food shopping for lots of groceries. Try pushing a loaded grocery cart through slushy snow only to get home and find you have to very carefully unload these bags and pray that you won’t fall and brake something, because 5 people you already know have broken something by slipping on the ice. And they were all your age or younger!

Well, rather bore you with a whole laundry list of why adults all hate the snow, I decided to have you recollect once again, through a child’s eyes, the wonders of snow...my son’s!

During the day before last week’s Blizzard, we had gotten a call that there would be a two-hour delay for the district schools the following day. As I was shoveling another 8 inches of snow off of my back steps at 2 am, I couldn’t help but think, “This school superintendent should be out here shoveling with me! Two-hour delay my...foot! These kids can’t go to school tomorrow!!” Sure enough, two hours into a scant sleep, the call came: Snow Day!

The first thing my son said as he ran to the window and saw mounds of snow was, “Mommy? I have to go to school in all that snow?” I replied that, no, he had a Snow Day and would not be going to school. He excitedly shouted, “Yes!” then proceeded to lounge around trying to decide how to spend this glorious day. What I found most interesting is how in a matter of two elementary grades in school, my son has learned from his peers how valuable a Snow Day could really be! Last year he would mumble, “OK,” and not fully take in the value of this type of day. Now he had become socialized to the almighty, “Snow Day!” Cute to note how their school environment begins to permeate them!

“Um...Mommy? Where is the Igloo building kit you bought me?” Now why did I decide to purchase something that would ultimately drag me out of my warm and comfy home and smack-dab into a pile of white stuff that I had been trying to get rid of the night before?? Oh yeah, to provide fun and excitement for my son on a Snow Day. Right. “I think it’s in the garage, Sweetie...” hoping he would choose to lounge a little more before venturing out into the stuff I spent the night in. “Okay, Mommy! Let’s get dressed and make a Snow Fort! I want to make a fort rather than an Igloo!” Thank goodness my husband was listening to this conversation and said that he would take my son out since he knew I had been up all night shoveling. At least he still has a shred of compassion.

Out they went, bundled and full of the excitement I remembered as a child! My son worked on that Snow Fort as if he were building another Fort Knox! Even when he complained that his fingers were cold, he still wanted to continue. (Note: tenacious is definitely part of his personality! Both positive and negative for him, as far as traits go!). Once finished, he then wanted to make a snowman, but my husband convinced him to come inside the house to warm up first.

A little over an hour later, lounge time over, he came looking for me again. “Um, Mommy? Can we build a snowman now?” Now where is my dang husband when you need him? Never around. Okay, quick thinking...”Daddy said he would build the snowman with you (I did hear him say that to my son, whether in jest or not. I had to track this man down...). Let me call him and find out when he can build it with you.

I called. My husband grumbled, I reminded him that I was up all night shoveling so that our dogs could go out, he relented. “Daddy said he would be here soon. Why don’t we have a snack to give you energy to build that big snowman!” (Good thinking, Mom! Food! Food to eat for a purpose! Nice going!) I had him eating very slow-to-chew foods, such as apples, so that I could give my “missing in action” husband time to make it home.

To my immense relief, husband made it home just as my son and I were picking out fresh snow pants, gloves, and boots, as the first set was soaked. Good time to start a load of laundry. Out the door they went to make Mr. Snowman! However Mommy seemed to be missing some key elements: buttons for eyes, mouth, and belly; long carrot for his nose (see shopping disaster above); and an old scarf and hat (didn’t we have them available last year??). We improvised (see photo). Mr. Snowman was completed and my son’s Snow Day goals had been fulfilled!

I realized at the end of the day that becoming a parent brings about, practically overnight, a complex absurdity as to how time and situations differ from a child’s versus a parent’s perspectives. The most important entity that fuels our day - time - is so dramatically altered the second one begins to raise a child. Once upon a time, an hour was 60 minutes long, and time was fixed and predictable. But now, all time proportions have changed, due to a child’s world. And what brings joy and excitement to a youngster slowly becomes an obsticle and an extreme hassle once you become an adult.

People are constantly telling me that my son is going to be grown up in a blink of an eye. On a day-to-day basis, it is hard for me to internalize that “growth.” It just happens without my even being aware of it. All I can tell you is that now a “Snow Day” has so much more grand significance in my son’s life! And he can also build one awesome Snow Fort...all on his own!