“Everyone has Stress” ~ Stress and Courtesy - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

“Everyone has stress.” Whether it be work stress, home stress, financial stress, family  stress, death of a loved one...the list goes on and on.

I, too have my bulging share of stress. Divorce is the second most stressful event a person can go through. Loss of a spouse is number one. I personally would like to debate that, especially with a child involved. 

I try not to burden other’s with my own problems. For example, one of my close friend’s dog is dying and I compassionately understand since I recently lost one of our dogs. I continue to ask how her dog is doing, how she is fairing, without adding my own personal problems onto her.

I send little texts, messages, notes and ask about how others are doing. They, in turn, reciprocate. What I am finding though, is that it seems people’s stress is becoming a contest. Who needs the most compassion? Who deserves a medal for surviving the most stress at a single time? Well meaning friends and relatives say such things as, “everyone has stress,” in an attempt to help. But really what they have done is compared situations in order to minimize feelings. No matter how well intended, the comment makes the recipient feel worse. It indicates that their friend or family member does not understand what they are going through, which in turn leads to isolation, which further worsens the problem.

I tend to be somewhat reclusive. A couple weeks ago I suffered a gall bladder attack that almost had me in the hospital, but I stuck it out and won. One of the medications my doctor suggested I change gave me such a bad reaction, I again, almost went to the hospital. My refrigerator died in the middle of the night that week. And when I went to the grocery store, I came back to my car with a volleyball size dent in it and almost $2,000 damage. Oh, and I had the law professionals on my back asking me when my husband and I were going to tell our son we were divorcing. Talk about stress.

I shut down. I am normally on FaceBook daily...I never touched my computer. I stayed in bed and shut out the world. I couldn’t take anything more happening to me in my life. I reluctantly checked my e-mail on my phone. When a friend or two inquired about me, I gave them a brief update and their response was, “Everyone has stress.” When I dragged my un-showered, still-in-pajamas and slippers body to take my son to karate, I saw a Mom friend who mentioned that I didn’t look too good (no kidding!). I gave a brief update of my life and her response was, “Everyone has stress.” Really? I am standing out in public, in my pajamas, unwashed/uncombed hair, looking like a rat dragged me in, and her response was, “Everyone has stress?” 

I began getting messages on my FaceBook Messenger App: “Where are you?” “Are you okay?” “What’s wrong? We miss you.” There were so many, I felt compelled to let everyone know that life was dealing me a bad hand, but that I was on the mend and they would all see me soon, so I left a post. The nicest comment came from a woman I am just starting to get to know pretty well. She lives across the country, has been unemployed for a year, is a single Mom, and she said, “Don’t worry...we’re all here for you. Just take care of yourself and your life. That’s all that really matters.” That one response, from someone I have never met, made me feel so cared for. It made me feel that I, and what I was going through, mattered. That one person understood. Someone who has her own laundry list of stress. I thanked her and blew her a virtual kiss. Had she been standing in front of me, I would have hugged her until I cried. That simple, caring comment was exactly what I needed. And surprisingly, it came from someone I hardly knew.

I finally got out of bed the following day, showered, and took my son to karate as he was graduating to a higher belt level and there would be an informal ceremony. I asked someone to take a picture of my son and me, sitting on the mat together. I uploaded it to FaceBook because I was so proud of my son. I received 17 comments of concern, welcome backs, what happened to you, are you okay...all from people I barely know but do care about. I was floored.

So why is it that I was able to get an outpouring of concern from people I have never met, who are scattered all over the country. People who truly give a darn about you when they notice you are “missing.” Is my own community so jaded that everyone can barely manage their own problems, let alone send a message of concern to others? All they can offer is a cliched statement that has absolutely no considerate meaning?

Yes, there are people who are genuinely concerned about me and my life. My neighbor across the street is one. I wouldn’t trade my horrific life for hers if you paid me in gold. But she calls to find out how I am as she is trying to hold her own life together. My best friend with the dying dog, who is a single Mom, texts me to make sure I am afloat and sends me many messages of positive affirmations. I treasure these two friends whose lives mirror mine. But we are there for each other. It is not a contest. There is no, “Who has the worst life?” We are just unfortunate souls who are trying our best to get through our horrendous circumstances and when we do, we will rejoice until the heavens rain down upon us.

A small bit of kindness, caring, respect, concern...

Is that too much to ask?

Resolve and Compassion -- By Laura Houston

I’m testing my resolve as I type this. We have decided it’s time to have the boys sleep in their own cribs. Up until recently, my husband and I have been fans of co-sleeping. It served our family well. Our boys are deeply bonded to us, and we are to them. We attribute their easy going natures, self assuredness, and happy dispositions to co-sleeping, and we also found that it helped reduce our stress level as well because if they woke up in the middle of the night, we could easily get them back to sleep. It’s pretty much a win/win situation. However, there are two downsides to co-sleeping: when we are ready to end it and when the child is not.

So right now my husband is attending to Lyle who is wailing away in his crib. Lyle is the twin who wants to sleep with us the most. He insists on it. Wyatt, however, is pretty mellow. He figured out how to self-soothe a few months ago, and he has been sleeping just fine on his own ever since. The only reason he sleeps with us now is because we feel guilty – all of us in one bed – Wyatt all alone in his.

The crying has been going on for 45 minutes. Dave and I have been alternating “compassion duty” every five or ten minutes. This is when one of us stands over Lyle’s crib and pats and soothes him and tries to reassure him everything is OK. We are using a few different techniques suggested by other parents, as well as a popular sleep manual sold on Amazon.com. The book says not to pick the child up. Don’t look him in the eye. Just be sweet. Sing softly. I went through a few rounds of four different lullabies before I could feel my resolve weaken, so I left the soothing to my husband. I know it’s hard for him. I can hear him in there whispering to his son. I know he wants to pick him up and hold him more than anything.

This method we are trying is a little too close to the Cry-It-Out Method used by many American moms. It is not at all popular in Europe. I am not a fan of the Cry-It-Out Method for babies. I cannot believe it is an emotionally healthy thing to do to an infant or small child. Quite frankly, there is not an animal on the planet that lets their babies cry it out except for the two-legged ones. I don’t believe in letting a human being cry alone in the dark, waiting and wanting for someone to come help. Especially when that someone is me, and I have the power and the ability to do something about it. I believe it is my responsibility as a parent to help my child learn to soothe himself and others by offering him kindness and compassion when he needs it or when he asks for it.

I know people practice Cry-It-Out in order to change a behavior such as getting the child to sleep through the night. Or eliminating a 2am feeding. I understand people do it because they have jobs, and they need sleep, and they want the child to learn to do it for the good of the family. I get that. I get how tiring it all is. I just can’t do it. I know it would forever break the deep, natural trust between my child and me.

I think it is time for me to go back in and practice another round of standing over the crib until my back and arms are screaming with aches, so my husband can find relief. But just when I hit “save” and got up from the desk, the crying stopped. My husband came out of the room with a heavy heart and a sorrowful face. He did it. He helped Lyle find his way into a deep sleep, but I think it cracked my husband’s soul a little.

Tomorrow it will be my turn. I will have to go in there a little more prepared. Maybe a CD of lullabies. Maybe a different light, a fresh blanket, or warm milk. But right now for the first time in a long time, I am going to go into our childfree living room, curl up on the couch next to the man I am crazy about, and watch a movie we have been trying to watch now for two weeks. And we will watch without interruption. And without a child between us. We have to take this time to just be. Together. It's important for our marriage and our friendship. But it feels selfish. Picking a movie over our son. Yeah. I'm going to have to sit with that. But we both agree it is time. Our kids are shoving us out of our own beds and out of our precious intimacy. And intimacy between parents we believe is the best gift we can give our kids. So here we go.

Sure. We’ll both feel guilty and slightly distracted as we listen for the sound of sobbing, but one of us will ease Lyle back into his dreams if he cries. And in turn our son will forever know that no matter what happens he can count on his parents to always, always come for him. I wish for the entire human race that very feeling.