Is This a Playdate or Unpaid Caregiving? - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

My son, as many of the regular readers know, is the epitome of eight-year-old social chairman. He regularly has playdates all weekend long. Sometimes with a couple different children on the same day. I enjoy having his friends over or him being invited to other’s homes. It takes a "do nothing day" and makes it into something a little more special.

Lately, I have noticed that a couple of the Moms of my son's friends seem to be slowly taking advantage of my generosity in having their child over for a playdate. As an example, one Mom begged me to have her son over for "a couple hours," which turned into six. Later, I found out that her "emergency" was a workout at the gym followed by a manicure!

A different Mom said she needed somewhere for her son to go because they lost heat in her home. I readily obliged to have her son over and extended the invitation to her as well. She said that she was able to go somewhere else. Where did the Mom go? Out to lunch and then drinks with some friends! I can't help but wonder...have playdates turned into unpaid caregiving?

I sympathize with with some of these Moms. They either work full-time or are working, single Moms and need a break. But a little reciprocation would be appreciated. Most Moms will have my son over for a couple hours, maybe three. Just enough time for me to do a good grocery shopping. However, I am using my time for an essential activity. It is not a haircut or a massage. Also, when I have my son's friends over, for hours, I end up doing marathon laundry or a massive clean up of an overstuffed closet. Certainly not the most exciting things in the world. In fact, my son has one of his friends over right now. I was told this kid's Mom was getting the spider veins removed from her legs. Not only did her procedure take hours, I had to drop her son home because her legs swelled up and she couldn’t come to pick him up! At least I'm doing something productive like writing this blog. She's having an elective cosmetic procedure!

When the weather is nicer, the kids can play outside, we can go to the park, visit local farms, enjoy the pleasure of the outdoors. It is just these winter months that are the most irritating. And a day without a playdate...let's just say I would rather deal with the monsoon of toys that get strewn around my entire house.

One Mom asked me to drive her child home because she was "exhausted." I've had a Mom text me that she was running late, would I mind getting a pizza for the kids, and she never even offered to reimburse me for the food! This was at the end of an almost 7 hour playdate!

I've also noticed that none of my son's friend's help clean up the monsoon they created when it is time for them to go. I always ask my son if he helped clean up before we leave a friend’s home. Most of these Moms just rudely sit in their warm cars in my driveway, blasting the horn until their charge appears. To the contrary, I always walk to the front door of the friend’s home, even if the weather is brutal. I inquire about how the playdate went, then make sure that my son helped to clean up. I also make sure to remind my son to say “thank you” for the playdate to his friend as well as his friend’s Mom.

With a couple Moms, I decided to put my foot down. When my dog was sick and needed rest, not two wild, rambunctious kids bothering him, I said to a Mom that I would give her money to take my son to the movies or bowling together with her son, but I just couldn't have the kids playing at my house. The poor dog hides from them when he is feeling well! He didn't need these wild kids piling things on him when he wasn't feeling his best. The Mom appeared a little affronted, but I had reached my limit.

Playdates outside the home will also need to be either paid for upfront or by the other Mom at the counter. I went to get tickets for a popular movie an hour before the movie started, dropping my son off at his friend’s house on the way. I paid $58 for 2 adult tickets, 2 child tickets and 4,  3D glasses (they are no longer free.) How did she reciprocate? By buying a tub of popcorn, which included free refills, and a drink. The second drink came with the popcorn. I told her how much I spent and when she said she would pay for the popcorn and drinks, my reaction was, “huh”?

So what's a Mom to do? I have enough on my plate than to take on the position of unpaid caregiver. I already scheduled an activity for my son on Sunday mornings, so that other Moms wouldn’t be able to just drop their child off at 11 am and pick them up at dinner time (or later!). I tell the Moms that there is a 3 or 4 hour playdate limit at my house. I certainly don't expect my child to exceed that limit on his playdates at other's homes either. More than a few hours becomes a burden and the kids end up spiraling out of control. My son needs to realize that a whole day does not purely revolve around him. There is now also a “clean up rule.” Fifteen minutes before the playdate ends, both kids put the house back in order. 

Maybe then, playdates will be something to be looked forward to by both my son and me!

What to Do? What to Do? - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I’ve been having a rather stressful past several days. And not only did I let something slide, which I shouldn’t have, but I also allowed my son to outright lie to me without calling him out on it. And now I am stuck in two extremely awkward and important predicaments.

For the third time within three months, my dog had to be admitted into the animal hospital. Thank goodness, no surgery was needed. However he was retching, vomiting and needed strong antibiotics badly, thus he needed to stay in the hospital to have them given intravenously. They ruled out certain diagnoses, however the Medical team needed to do an ultrasound on my dog on Monday to rule out anything further. This was all on Saturday.

On Sunday, my son and I had a Motherhood Later event to attend mid-afternoon at the NY Hall of Science (and we had a wonderful time!), but I was stuck with an ultra energetic child for the entire morning. I actually thought this kid was going to stick to the ceiling.

My son has a friend at school whom my husband and I do not approve of. This child has bullied my son by throwing balls at him until my son had to cower. He also coaxed my son into drawing a picture that almost had my son thrown out of the after school program both boys attend. We realize that we can’t separate the boys while they are in school, but we had put a stop to playdates outside of school because we noticed my son had been developing an “attitude” the more time he spent with this boy and was using what I call, “bathroom vocabulary,” more after he had spent time with this other child. My husband and I successfully pulled the no playdate rule off, but now it is back...in full force.

My son wanted to go to our local park and ride his scooter with this boy the morning of the Motherhood Later event, which was in the afternoon. My husband and I had discussed allowing our son to go to the park with this boy for the whole week prior to Sunday. In my last discussion with our son, I told him that it was not a good idea. My husband, in a conversation at a different time, had told my son the same thing. I confirmed with my husband that the two boys were not to go to the park. End of story. Lesson #1: With important issues, have a family meeting where all members of the family are present to avoid the next issue I still am unsure how to deal with...lying.

On Sunday morning, my son was hounding me to call his friend’s mother to see when they could go to the park. I reiterated that we were not going to go to the park to play with his friend. Then came the lie: “But Daddy said that I could go to the park,” which I knew was a blatant lie. There were also other issues circling at that moment. Firstly, I was a nervous wreck about my dog and was awaiting a call from the Animal Hospital to get an update. Secondly, I knew at that very moment, my husband was in a boxing class at the gym and would never hear his phone ringing, so it was pointless to call to “confirm” that my husband had given him permission. Third, my son needed to get out of the house and use up some of his pent up energy. I made a rash decision. I let the lie slide and called the other boy’s Mom. I explained to her that my dog was in the hospital and that I needed to stay home because I was awaiting a call from the  hospital with an update. I asked if she minded picking my son up and bringing the boys to the park (a block away from my house), and told her that I would come get my son around noon to feed him lunch. She called around 11:30am and said the boys were hungry and asked if she could take them both to her house to feed them. I agreed simply because it was one less thing I had to do or think about. The Animal Hospital had already called and said my dog was stable but still having vomiting issues.

I finally picked up my son to go to the Motherhood Later event, and sighed in relief that the playdate was over. But the lying issue was still hanging over my head and I also opened up a can of worms by not standing my ground and saying "no" to the playdate. Now my son is going to want more playdates with this child whom I am not terribly fond of. It is a good thing that I have full days planned for my son and I the next two Sundays. But I am going to have to think long and hard (and get some knowledgeable advice) about how to go about dealing with the lying issue and trying to prevent future playdates with my son’s friend. What to do, what to do?

As an aside, my dog is home and slowly improving. Thank goodness one thing is going in the right direction! 

Yearning for BFF Times -- by Robin

I am SO looking forward to the weekend.

My good friend, Debbie, who I don't get to see too often since we live a distance apart, is coming to stay with us for a night with her two kids. Though older than Seth, he loves playing with them. And, I am psyched for the time with Debbie.

One of the things that I miss a lot is quality time with close girlfriends (my BFFs...best female friends). Since becoming a mom and no longer working in the city, I don't have access to some as I used to. Debbie and I, back in our single days, both worked in Manhattan and would often socialize together after work or at the very least get in a healthy dose of exercise as we walked to the subway or bus together, enroute to our homes. She lived on Long Island, and I in Queens. And, we'd spend ample time on the weekends on the phone dishing about our week and making weekend plans.

Things are different now.

She lives in New Jersey, and I live on Long Island. For years, we always joked that when we each (hopefully) got married one day, we'd buy homes next to each other or at least nearby.

That didn't happen.

She met a guy from New Jersey, so they wound up settling there. And, I met a guy originally from Queens who was living in Great Neck, NY, so we wound up in Great Neck. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment at first and when it came househunting, we didn't just look in Great Neck. We toured Rockland, Westchester, CT, other areas of LI and even NJ. I originally thought if we at least lived in NJ, even if not far out, I could get relatively close to Debbie....or at least there wouldn't be a bridge between us.

We wound up putting a bid on a house in Glen Rock, NJ that was accepted, but it led to my having a totally sleepless night. I woke up the next day and realized we had made a big mistake. I didn't want to move to New Jersey. I hated the George Washington Bridge. There's always major traffic on it, and I knew that if I were to ever drive to LI, NYC or Queens (where my dad lives), I would not be a happy camper. So, we revoked the offer, and the homeowner was totally understanding. I knew at that moment that Debbie and I would likely never become next door neighbors or even live in the same state.

Since I no longer work in the city, I've endeavored to make friends in the suburbs. And, since becoming a mom, I've made a constant effort to befriend other moms. But, being moms isn't enough to cement a true, meaningful friendship. You have to connect on a level beyond that. I do think it's possible, but it doesn't happen overnight, as my mom friend Jeri says.

There is something to be said for having history with a BFF. Debbie knew me back in my single days. She knew my mom (who has passed away). She understands what my upbringing was like. Where I grew up. What I used to wear. When I first permed my hair. What pushes my buttons, so to speak, etc, etc. And, she's not afraid to "tell it like it is" if I'm venting about something. She helps keep me "real" in that regard....kinda like a dose of tough love that you may not want to hear but you know you need to listen.

And, don't we all need at least one friend like that?! Someone who isn't afraid to say something even if it might not sit right with us. Someone who can ruffle your feathers, but you know they're coming from a truly sincere place of wanting only what's best for you. Someone you could call at 2AM, and they wouldn't hang up. Someone who will let you talk 'n talk and not expect anything in return. There's no hidden agenda. No walking on eggshells. No questioning if they like you or not....or if it's just about a play date for the kids....or for professional networking reasons. You genuinely connect on a kindred spirit level.

I'm grateful to have time (even though it will be fleeting this weekend) with Debbie. I'm glad we've managed to stay close all these years and to share the ups 'n downs of life. She's one of the most grounded women I know (her upbringing was a challenging one), and we always have a good time. It takes me back to the days when life seemed simpler. Uncertain...yes......since we were both single and wondered how things would turn out. Now that we have a sense of that at least for today, we can laugh as we look back on the things we used to worry about. They have since been replaced by an entirely different set of concerns.

Life is an ever-evolving journey, and the more we get to share it, the better.