Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What is “Better?” - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

“BETTER” - of superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness, preferable”
I must admit that I was humbled by the number of concerned and genuine written and verbal comments my blog elicited last week. However, as true as all of the comments were, the essence that I took away from all of them was that my life would eventually “get better.” So I began to ponder both my life and the term, “better.” I came up with a list of questions that will sound bitter, and angry, and sarcastic because...well...I AM feeling bitter, angry and sarcastic. So, for those of you who truly had my best intentions in mind, and I sincerely appreciated all of them, please see past the bitter feelings and reflect on these questions:

Is “better” having my son ripped from his family unit and having to share time between two parents?

Is “better” being a single Mom to a child with multiple learning disabilities, and having to be the primary caretaker?

Is “better” having a child learn to deal with two different parenting styles, one of which is completely against his nature?

Is “better” having to pay a divorce lawyer almost $2000 of what was going to be my son’s college money just to fill out stupid, inane, paperwork when my child could have perhaps put that money into 2 college classes later in life?

Is “better” having one of your two pets, both of which your child adores, practically taken away because that pet favors the other parent?

Is “better” having to deal with stress related illnesses just about every single day, watching your own body become feeble and frail in the process?

Is “better” having a child have to share holidays, vacations and birthdays between each parent?

Is “better” attending a special event of your child’s, standing on the opposite side of the room from your former spouse, having as little communication as feasibly possible with that spouse, cheering on your child, hugging and kissing him for doing so well, and then having both parents leave in separate cars?

Is “better” not only not knowing what to say to friends when they inquire about the impending divorce? And is “better” having a child wonder what the heck is going on in their family but barely able to comprehend, let alone ask appropriate questions about what the heck is going on, because you don’t even know yourself? 

Is “better” having to linger in this “lifestyle” until your child goes off to college, which will roughly be 10 years from now?

After contemplating the smattering of questions I exemplified, can anyone honestly tell me that my life will get “better?” I seriously doubt so. Although I am open to being receptive to comments to the contrary.

I made a conscious decision to have a child and build a family. I looked forward to having a loving spouse, who would be there for this family during good times and in bad. I may never know just what went awry. But what I am experiencing and will be experiencing is far from “better.” And it’s a damn shame, especially for my child. Because out of us all, he’s the one who deserves “better.”

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Blogger Jamie L said...

As someone who has never been married (nor divorced!), I may have no right to respond to your blog, but I’m going to anyway :) Your feelings and worries are valid and your situation DOES suck, but staying in a loveless marriage isn’t the answer….and once you do move on and start to heal, things WILL get better. Believe it. I’m dating a recently-divorced dad right now who was in an awful marriage for way too many years, and while splitting the kids and going through tons of upheaval isn’t fun for him (or his kids), he IS starting to have a better life now...with me. He told me when we met that he had been resigned to being miserable for the rest of his life...but thankfully it doesn’t have to be that way for him (OR for you). My guy is rediscovering himself...and rediscovering happiness. And if he can do it, you can do it, too.

Whether you find someone else to love – or just learn to love and take care of yourself better – things WILL improve. For your son, too...because you’re his role model. Your marriage didn't fall apart you can't expect things to improve that quickly either. But keep the faith...there IS a light at the end of that tunnel.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Cara Meyers said...

Thank you, Jamie! After speaking to my therapist, I discovered a completely different way of looking at my situation, and I am feeling much more positive. I'm even cooking a MEAL today! Something I haven't done in months! I just wish children weren't involved in divorce. It's one thing to say, "Goodbye! Have a nice life," when you don't have children. When you do, the stress is exponential. I guess my son and I will muddle through that together.

Thanks, again, for your support! I have a feeling my blog for next week will be much more uplifting!

12:33 PM  
Blogger Cyma Shapiro-Roland said...

Oh, MY! This deserves a book!

6:53 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I hope you continue to feel "better"!

5:03 PM  

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