What is “Better?” - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

“BETTER” - of superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness, preferable”

I must admit that I was humbled by the number of concerned and genuine written and verbal comments my blog elicited last week. However, as true as all of the comments were, the essence that I took away from all of them was that my life would eventually “get better.” So I began to ponder both my life and the term, “better.” I came up with a list of questions that will sound bitter, and angry, and sarcastic because...well...I AM feeling bitter, angry and sarcastic. So, for those of you who truly had my best intentions in mind, and I sincerely appreciated all of them, please see past the bitter feelings and reflect on these questions:

Is “better” having my son ripped from his family unit and having to share time between two parents?

Is “better” being a single Mom to a child with multiple learning disabilities, and having to be the primary caretaker?

Is “better” having a child learn to deal with two different parenting styles, one of which is completely against his nature?

Is “better” having to pay a divorce lawyer almost $2000 of what was going to be my son’s college money just to fill out stupid, inane, paperwork when my child could have perhaps put that money into 2 college classes later in life?

Is “better” having one of your two pets, both of which your child adores, practically taken away because that pet favors the other parent?

Is “better” having to deal with stress related illnesses just about every single day, watching your own body become feeble and frail in the process?

Is “better” having a child have to share holidays, vacations and birthdays between each parent?

Is “better” attending a special event of your child’s, standing on the opposite side of the room from your former spouse, having as little communication as feasibly possible with that spouse, cheering on your child, hugging and kissing him for doing so well, and then having both parents leave in separate cars?

Is “better” not only not knowing what to say to friends when they inquire about the impending divorce? And is “better” having a child wonder what the heck is going on in their family but barely able to comprehend, let alone ask appropriate questions about what the heck is going on, because you don’t even know yourself? 

Is “better” having to linger in this “lifestyle” until your child goes off to college, which will roughly be 10 years from now?

After contemplating the smattering of questions I exemplified, can anyone honestly tell me that my life will get “better?” I seriously doubt so. Although I am open to being receptive to comments to the contrary.

I made a conscious decision to have a child and build a family. I looked forward to having a loving spouse, who would be there for this family during good times and in bad. I may never know just what went awry. But what I am experiencing and will be experiencing is far from “better.” And it’s a damn shame, especially for my child. Because out of us all, he’s the one who deserves “better.”

There Goes the Bride by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

 This past Sunday was my Brother-in-Law’s wedding - my husband’s brother. I was invited, but chose not to go for many obvious reasons. My only wish was that I hadn’t been very ill because it gave my husband the perfect excuse as to why I wasn’t there. My husband is an awful liar. You could tell when he fibs a mile away. So, unfortunately he would be correct in telling family and friends why I didn’t attend the wedding. Bummer. I would have at least have enjoyed knowing how uncomfortable he would have been having to produce a reason why his “wife” wasn’t at his brother’s wedding. Oh well...there will be other occasions.

My Sister-in-Law (wife of my husband’s OTHER brother) will be having her second child in April. I am pretty sure that I will be quietly absent from that milestone event as well. He’ll have to come up with some type of story for that occasion, I’m sure.

And then there are all the Holidays in between. I assume my son will be spending all of the Jewish religious ones at my in laws. I’ll get my son and take him to visit very close friends for Christmas and Easter. But what to do about Thanksgiving? I’ve made the largest turkey I could find, to feed 20 plus people for just about every Thanksgiving for 15 years now. I guess those days are over.

My husband and I will have to trade off on Thanksgiving. Since my son went to the wedding, perhaps my husband will allow me to take my son to my best friend’s house for Thanksgiving this year. It will be very festive as my best friend’s birthday is very close to the Thanksgiving Holiday, so she celebrates her birthday then as well.

It is hard when you are breaking away from your spouse while having to go through the Holidays, especially with a child. The child is used to everyone being together and having a wonderful time. Now the child gets tossed between one family and another. It’s confusing and painful...for everyone involved.

Being an only child, with now both parent’s deceased, and no close relatives who live nearby, I grew up spending many, many Holidays with my best friend and her family. I recently asked her if it would be okay to resume that historical pattern. She was delighted. A little overwhelmed, but delighted. I kind of get the “warm fuzzies” just thinking about all of the wonderful times in the past that we’ve spent together during the Holidays. Like her Dad serving us spiked Eggnog when we were only 16! We couldn’t understand why the Eggnog tasted so good, nor why we were so giddy hanging ornaments on her tree! It brings back such warm and loving feelings!

My son is the same age as my best friend’s son, who is adopted. My friend chose to become a single Mom right before she turned 40. I wanted to have my first child before I turned 40. The stars aligned in the heavens for both of us! We both have boys and they are only 3 months apart in age! And both boys think they are “cousins!” In a way, they really are. They see each other far more frequently than my son’s actual cousins.

So maybe this can work, this Holiday swapping thing? As I’ve experienced, families don’t have to be related to be close and have fun! I think I’ve had more enjoyable and exciting Holidays spent with close friends than with relatives who critique your cooking!

I guess another chapter of my life is unfolding. Just like going down the tall Mayan water slide at the Atlantis Resort with my son, last month. I am ready to experience another incredible ride. The ride through the Holiday maze! I better hold on tight for this one, too!

If I Wanted to be a Single Mom... - by Cara

I’m having a hard time thinking of how I would complete that sentence. I have been finding myself playing the role of “married, single Mom” now more and more.

I adore my son...I would give up my life for him. I truly put my own needs aside to meet his. But when my husband and I discussed having a child, we knew that there might be some complications both during pregnancy and afterwards. I have a chronic pain condition that rears it’s ugly head every so often. I felt confident that I would have a partner who would be able to chip in when I wasn’t feeling my best. And through the years I accumulated more medical conditions. But still, I felt that I had someone to help “carry the load,” especially with the addition of two dogs.

But now I feel completely drained. It could be my hypothyroidism, but I don’t think it is. I am drained of being the resource for a very needy child. My son needs his “emotional tank” filled to the brim every day. I am drained of his continuous high energy, and schlepping him from place to place to burn off that energy.

I am drained of two wonderful dogs that are a real part of our family. But their needs are rising as they are getting on in age. And two fish that are relatively maintenance free, but do need to be fed and have their tanks cleaned regularly.

I no longer have that partner who made a promise to me that he would be there for me if raising a child were too much for me to handle on certain days. I feel cheated. And at the same time I admire all of the amazing single Moms who willingly chose to become single Moms. My best friend is a single Mom. She always sounds frazzled. She also schleps her son from one activity to another. And she also has an aging dog. I continually wonder how she does it. She DOES have her parents to chip in when she needs a break. And a slew of close friends who are more than willing to watch her son when she needs time for herself. I have none of that. Which makes me even more resentful that my husband is bailing out of his promise to me.

So I have to ask myself: If I wanted to voluntarily be a Single Mom, under my same medical circumstances and lack of resources to help out when I need a break, would I still want to be a one? I honestly don’t know. I can’t imagine life without my son. But I feel as if I am getting older exponentially at the same time.

My son is getting more mature and is taking on more responsibility. In a few years, he won’t want to even acknowledge that I even exist! And I desperately want to see him mature into an adult. But right now he is so sensitive that he needs to know my every move, my every step. I guess instead of wondering, “what if,” I should slow down and try to capture each small moment with him.

He lost his third baby tooth a few days ago. And since my husband was on a business trip, I thought that the excitement of losing his tooth (at the Bronx Zoo of all places!) would be diminished without his father here. It wasn’t. At all. He squealed with excitement at what the Tooth Fairy brought him. His Tooth Fairy is named Nute and is a Surfer Dude. We sent an e-mail to Nute, apprising him of the situation! And that whole night was filled with excitement, even as drained as I was from the day!

I guess I can now assuredly place an ending onto my opening sentence. If I wanted to be a Single Mom, I would definitely want to be one! Gladly! Otherwise, I would go through life with regrets. And that’s the last thing I want. And this childhood phase is passing so quickly! I better hold on with two hands, because I am going to be going on the ride of my life! Together, with my beautiful son! Being the best Single Mom I can be!

The Back-Up Plan - by Jamie

Lately, the subject of single mothers by choice has been all over the media because of a movie that recently came out, starring Jennifer Lopez, in which her character becomes pregnant with the help of an anonymous sperm donor, only to fall in love with Mr. Right immediately afterwards. I haven’t seen the movie, and, as a “real” single mother by choice, I’ll never have the time to see it, but I have viewed some of the recent TV news stories and discussions about it. And while it’s nice to have a celebrity like J-Lo showing single women that they do have options, I can’t say this movie is anything like my life—nor is “back-up plan” an appropriate term for the process by which I came to have Jayda.

I never pictured myself as a single mom; but then again, I didn’t always picture myself as a mom, period. Unlike some of my friends who were always talking about having babies during their 20s and 30s, I said things like, “I’ll have kids if I marry a guy who I know will be a great dad, and who really wants to have kids,” but I wasn’t obsessed with being a mother at all. I wasn’t even comfortable around children, and didn’t think they liked me very much. In fact, before I had Jayda, I’d never changed a diaper, and could count on the fingers of one hand how many babies I’d actually held. And yet, as soon as the nurses put my newborn child on my chest, I knew I was put in this world to be Jayda’s mom and care for her.

There was a point in my mid-30s when I had an epiphany and realized that I’d be incomplete if I never had a child, and that I’d just been suppressing my desires for fear of never meeting Mr. Right. I was flooded with maternal feelings and became baby-obsessed almost overnight. It took a lot of thought and planning to have Jayda (as well as plenty of drugs and monitoring and money, since I didn’t get pregnant on the first try like J-Lo’s character did in her movie), and I can hardly allude to the process as a back-up plan. “Back-up” to me implies second-best, and having Jayda was an ideal plan for me, because I can’t imagine my life without my amazing daughter in it. Unlike J-Lo’s character, I didn’t find Mr. Right while I was pregnant (though I did date during the first two trimesters), and I still haven’t found him now that Jayda is about to turn three. But that doesn’t trouble me at all, and I hate the implication that a woman “needs” a man to be a good mother. Or that having a husband is always the ideal “plan.”

Most of my friends did find their Mr. Rights before they had children—or at least they found someone whom they thought was the man they’d be with forever—and I can’t say their lives are all better than mine. A few of my friends are going through nasty divorces now—and are battling over custody issues. Several others actually married someone as their “back-up plan”—fully knowing the man wasn’t exactly what they wanted or needed in their lives—but rushed to settle down because they felt their clocks were ticking. Those friends (and their spouses) are all pretty miserable. And then there are my friends who are happily married (or at least appear to be), but just about all of them admit that having a husband is a lot of work, and they’re forced to divide their attention between their children and their man. There’s nothing wrong with that—and I know having a good husband is a worthwhile investment—but I can’t say that these women’s children are thriving more than mine is…or that the moms are so much happier than I am. We’re all just experiencing life the way it happened to us…and most of us are realizing that you can’t plan everything, especially when it comes to being a mom. Plan A…Plan B. What’s the difference? Life is what we make of it—and just because our lives aren’t as we always pictured them, doesn’t mean they’re second-best. Mine certainly isn’t. It isn’t movie-perfect, either, but I don’t really know anyone whose life is.

Finding Focus -- by Jamie

I’m back in college after an almost 20-year hiatus, and attending my classes has been a bit of a juggling act, between dropping Jayda off at daycare at her designated hour (and not earlier, because I’m trying to save money), and then trying to beat traffic and snag decent street parking near Queens College—to say nothing of the challenges of participating in the classes, and doing the class work, while still freelancing and being a devoted single mom. But one glitch I didn’t expect is that I’d feel like my three-year-old daughter when it comes to studying for my tests: I just can’t focus.

This past December, my mother gave Jayda a LeapFrog computer for Hanukkah. Jayda was thrilled when she unwrapped the gift, and squealed with delight. She then insisted we hook it up right away so she could test it out. I rushed to attach the device to the television as fast as I could, and as soon as I turned it on, Jayda sat in front of her new “puter” and started to play; less than five minutes later she stopped and stood up: “I done!” she announced, and ran off to do one of her puzzles. My mother’s jaw dropped and she turned to me questioningly. I just shrugged; this was normal Jayda-behavior. My daughter rarely focuses on any activity for longer than a few minutes. She doesn’t even like to watch TV for very long…which is probably a very good thing, developmentally
(though at times when I’d love to keep Jayda occupied while I’m cooking dinner or attending to an important task, I don’t always see it that way).

Similarly, Jayda is still too young and “unfocused” to sit through a movie, or any theater performances. When we went to see “Disney on Ice,” she loved it, but by the end of the first act, she was pretty much “over” it, and was much happier walking back and forth to the bathroom with me and visiting the refreshment stand. And on President’s Day, when we attended a 1-hour “Blues Clues Live” show, Jayda eagerly watched for 50 minutes (while periodically digging into her bag of popcorn, turning around to watch the other kids, and chatting with me about the show), and then squirmed off of my lap and announced “I ready to go home now” before ever discovering the last clue.

As a 40-year-old, I’m much more focused than Jayda—I can certainly watch three-hour movies and Broadway shows—and these days I can even sit through a not-so-scintillating two-hour Social Statistics lecture once a week. But when it comes to studying…oh my. Last week, I faced my first big test since returning to college, and preparing for it was a nightmare.

My biggest mistake was sitting by my computer to study. First, there was the “ding” of my incoming emails to distract me…and of course, I had to check every one. And if any of those emails included a Facebook comment, I then logged on to my Facebook account to take a closer look. Talk about a time-suck! Sitting by my computer also tempted me to do my “regular” work—instead of studying. Of course this was work that I did need to do—but not imminently. Now, as a freelancer, I’m used to working from home, but for some reason, studying requires much more discipline from me than working…and I’m more easily distracted from it, no matter what mundane tasks are calling to me; on my study days, I easily found myself “escaping” to do laundry, to clean the bathroom, or to run out “just for a few minutes” to do some food shopping. Anything to avoid my text book. When it’s pre-test time for me, just like Jayda racing from toy to toy at a play date, I find myself moving around my house taking care of anything and everything that isn’t related to college coursework.

Back in my undergraduate years at the University of Michigan, I often studied at night for a few hours—and then met my friends at a college bar afterwards. Thinking back on that astounds me because these days, I can barely keep my eyes open after 9 pm. But I guess the lesson here is that back at the U of M, I rewarded myself for my studying and, ultimately, I have to learn to do that now. I need to find something to inspire myself (other than a Long Island Ice Tea and a chance to see my latest crush) to get through my next studying ordeal. Because I know my unfocused three-year-old also performs better when she gets rewards…and clearly we have a lot in common.

They say as we grow older, regression eventually sets in. True, I’m only 40…but maybe it’s already starting to happen to me, because one thing is for certain—I can sure use a nap right about now!

No Time to Waste -- by Jamie

As I’ve articulated here before, the experience of dating as a single mother is quite a bit different than dating as a single woman without a child. For me, both logistically—and emotionally—it’s a lot more difficult.

That said, ever since Jayda was born, all of my dating has evolved at a much slower pace, since the act of actually setting up a date is complicated, and involves a sitter and a lot of Jewish mommy guilt. Consequently, as a single mother, I haven’t had a serious relationship with anyone yet. This has been partly out of choice—I often feel I don’t have the time to devote to anyone else but me and Jayda—and partly because I haven’t met anyone whom I could actually picture myself with long-term (especially with Jayda in the picture). And I don’t have the spare time to spend on Mr.-Nothing-Special anymore.

In the past, I dove into a myriad of forced-dating ventures—went to singles events, visited all types of online dating sites, and even tried speed-dating. But, a romantic at heart, I always pictured myself meeting Mr. Right in a not-so-pressurized setting—at the gym, in a coffee shop, or at some other chance meeting.

Once I had Jayda, I felt a lot less pressure to “have to” meet a man quickly; my attitude instead, became, that I’d simply like to meet a man…and if it didn’t happen soon, that would be fine, too. But, regardless, I’ve always had a vision of meeting Mr. Right-for-Both-Me-and-Jayda at a family-friendly outing. At the playground…or a PTA meeting…or some place where I’d find a doting single dad taking care of his own child. The commonality of being parents would bring us together (and there’s also the fact that I find doting dads extremely sexy!).

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago when I met a single dad at a local town fair. Our children (both young girls) presented a great conversation starter, and that led to a flurry of emails between us over the following weeks. We finally met for breakfast the other day…and our 9:15 meeting abruptly ended at 12:30, when we both looked at our watches and realized Single Dad was late for a meeting! It’s been a long time since I’ve lost track of time like that, and even longer since I’ve been on a date where both of us had so much in common, had so much to talk about, and clearly enjoyed each others’ company (and had no hesitation in admitting that to each other). Though it seemed to take us eons to get together for that “first date,” neither of us wasted any time cutting to the chase. Single Dad effusively told me he hasn’t remembered having such a good time in ages, and that he can’t wait to see me again. I agreed.

I left the date knowing I’d hear from Single Dad soon, and that we’d go out again. I did. And we will. And that’s one nice thing about dating as a single mother; there’s no time to throw away on nonsense. These days, I can’t waste a moment sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, or wondering if a guy is “just not that into me.” I’m honest now—and anyone whom I’d like to date is honest with me, too. Single Dad told me that up until our breakfast date he hadn’t called me because he’d been afraid of rejection—that if he didn’t reach me directly, I might not call him back. But I told him—and I meant it—that if I didn’t want to call him back, he’d know it. I don’t have time to play games. And any Mr. Right-for-Both-Me-and-Jayda won’t have time for that either.

I’m looking forward to getting to know Single Dad. And I’m hoping, someday, Jayda might get to know him, too. He appears to be a really great father, and a good, honest man. He has a lot of potential, and I’m happy to invest the few extra moments I do have, in finding out more about him. I suspect it will be time well-spent.

Playground Pick Up -- by Jamie

It’s a shame I can’t bring my daughter with me to a singles bar—she’s really great at breaking the ice with everyone around us. Sometimes, she’ll just stare at strangers with her big, blue eyes, and get their attention—as well as welcoming smiles. Other times, our conversation will attract someone’s interest. Jayda’s becoming a real chatterbox—and an inquisitive one, at that—and the comments and questions she peppers me with often amuse people who are within hearing range. She’s been obsessed lately with the concept of “buying things,” and actually asked me very loudly the other day, “Mommy, who bought my tushie?” That certainly got a reaction out of passersby! Jayda’s also, simply, a very attractive child, who constantly garners compliments from strangers about her beautiful curls and “Shirley Temple” look. Regardless, when we’re out and about, she always gets attention. And I, in turn, get some, too. Especially at the playground.

During the week, weather permitting, I pick Jayda up from her daycare, and we head out to a nearby elementary school’s playground; it’s close to our house and very age-appropriate. Over time, Jayda has “collected” a group of friends and admirers who frequent the playground, too—and who help keep both of us entertained. When the school’s after-hours program emerges on the playground in the late afternoon, there are two teacher’s aides whom Jayda approaches enthusiastically: One is a middle-aged woman who always hugs Jayda and chats with her about her day, and another is a woman in her late-20s who gives Jayda animal crackers and whom my daughter follows around like a puppy. Many of the kids in this program know Jayda, too, and wave and smile at her in welcome.

There are also a few nannies who frequent the playground with their charges. Jayda knows each of them by name—and often gets treats from them all. Then, there are the newcomers: Mothers whom we’ve never seen before, but who encourage their children to play with Jayda, and who chat with me while our kids swing next to each other, and run around. I enjoy the camaraderie and grown up conversations, and time passes quickly for me, while Jayda plays happily.

Best of all, there are the daddies…but since most “eligible” men are working in the late afternoon, they are few and far between. Once in awhile, however, Jayda will find a man to bat her eyelashes at, and I will have a conversation with him as a result. It would be nice if Jayda would learn to look at men’s ring fingers first, though, since she rarely “introduces” me to a single man!

Lately, I’ve found myself in a completely new situation—spending time with an unattractive, but incredibly friendly (in a non-flirtatious way) married man, whose adorable, incredibly-well-mannered son has befriended Jayda. They look for us every afternoon—sometimes bringing snacks or toys to share with Jayda. I truly adore the boy—but don’t have much to say to his father; most of the time, we just share anecdotes about our kids. However, he just invited us to play at his house one day this week, and I accepted his invitation because Jayda reacted so enthusiastically to it. I trust the guy…and know Jayda will have an amazing time playing in his home. I’m just not all that eager to socialize with him. And isn’t that what play dates are for—fun for Jayda, and good conversation and company for me?! Well, I’ve been through plenty of bad dates in the past, and I’ve always made it through unscathed. I’ve also made plenty of sacrifices for my daughter, before. So, once again, I’ll do what’s good for Jayda—make our plans, prepare for the worst, and hope that I’ll be pleasantly surprised. Stay tuned…

Ensuring That I'm Insured -- by Jamie

Almost immediately after my daughter was born, I made an appointment with a lawyer to draw up a will and legally name a guardian for Jayda, as assurance that she would be taken care of, upon my untimely death. I also rushed out to meet with a life insurance agent to make certain Jayda’s potential guardian would have plenty of money with which to take care of her. Then, I breathed a sigh of relief: I had done my duty as a responsible single mom.

Fast-forward to January 2009, when my long-time job as a children’s book buyer for a large retailer was unexpectedly eliminated. Fortunately, along with a nice severance package, my former employers also agreed to pay their usual share of my medical benefits coverage for an entire year. Again, I breathed a sigh of relief…albeit a temporary one. But recently, I realized there was another investment I’d neglected to make. Because I had the foresight to purchase a life insurance policy, if I die, Jayda will be fine, financially. But what if I don’t die…and I simply can’t work anymore? I’m a writer, but what if an accident renders me physically unable to write? Or coach? Or teach? Or do a myriad of things I’m exploring now as future careers. I lost my disability insurance along with my former job, and I now realize how crucial it is for me to have it…not just as insurance for myself, but for Jayda. Crucial…and very, very costly.

Disability insurance premiums get more expensive as you get older. I guess it’s a good thing I’m looking for coverage now, before I turn 40, but, on the other hand, it would have been even better to have secured a policy when I was only 35. And the more money I require to live on every month, should I become disabled, the more expensive the insurance becomes (and the maximum I’ve been approved for is far from generous…living on it would still be pretty difficult). In addition, the fewer loopholes and more extensive the coverage, the more costly it is. And, well, in short, the kind of disability insurance I need is very expensive: A high monthly payment for coverage I hope I’ll never realize a penny from. Ugh. Sometimes being responsible sucks.

As I look at my calendar, I can’t help but realize that January will be here before I know it…and my low-cost-to-me family health insurance coverage will be up. That means I’ll also have to find new medical and dental insurance policies for Jayda and myself. And my bank account will dwindle even more. How does anyone survive as a freelancer with all of these insurance costs? There must be lots of daredevils out there, living without them, and hoping for the best. But, as a single mom looking out for her priceless child, I find them non-negotiable: I need them all.

Yesterday, I got a free upgrade to a new, very high-tech Blackberry. As the salesman was filling out the forms and getting my signature, he asked me: “Do you want insurance?” I declined. It was nice for a change. I’ll take risks with my electronics, no matter how fancy they are—but never with my daughter.

Note: For those of you Long Islanders who missed my live TV appearance on “Something to Talk About,” it will be re-airing this week on the following channels:
Great Neck Cablevision 20 [15 GN/North Shore incorporated villages], Starting Tuesday, Sept. 29 airs for two weeks: Tuesday 8 PM, Friday 10 PM, and Monday 5:30 PM;
Verizon FIOS 37 [All of Nassau County]: Same dates/times as above;
Cablevision 20 [Different from the Cable 20 channel listed above] in the rest of Nassau & W. Suffolk [all of the "Cablevision WOODBURY System"]: Thursday, Sept. 24 at 7:30 PM; Cablevision Digital IO 115 [all of the "Cablevision WOODBURY System"]: Thursday, Oct. 1 at 7:30 PM

Picky. Protective. And Still Single. by Jamie Levine

Before I had Jayda, I was a serial dater. I went out with men from JDate, had “training dates” with other members of my gym, was set up with friends of friends of friends, and even had drinks with a couple of gutsy guys who chatted me up on the subway. I once went speed dating with a friend for kicks, and actually posted an ad on Craigslist at one point (and met a short-term boyfriend that way). I certainly know how to date…or at least I used to. Friends often asked me why I was still single, and, if maybe, I was “being too picky?” I always responded “No…not at all. I just don’t want to settle.” And I really wasn’t being too selective—I gave plenty of guys a fair chance. However, most of them never made it to full-fledged boyfriend status…either due to their commitment-issues or our lack of chemistry, or a host of other reasons. But I wasn’t single because I was too picky. Hardly.

NOW, I’m picky.

Though I ultimately “chose” to have Jayda on my own, I’ve always pictured myself with a husband. But, unlike the pre-Jayda dating-fanatic I once was, I no longer feel I need a man in my life…I simply want one. The right one. And he has to be right for me and Jayda. Yikes. Just how does someone find a man who is high-caliber husband and father material—for two strong-minded, used-to-being-on-their-own gals? Especially when the woman looking has much less time to test-drive a bunch of suitors than she ever had before! It’s definitely a challenge.

Of course I’ve dated a bit in the past 27 months that Jayda has been alive…but mostly just for fun—for a much-needed break from being a mommy all the time. And while I always tell people that “I’d love to meet someone special…” I rarely put my energy into looking for him. Who has the time? Or even, on some days, the desire? Having an extra hour or two to read a book, or go to bed early, is often vastly more appealing to me than going on a blind date.

In the past, I could drop everything on a whim and meet someone for a drink. If the guy was engaging enough, a Thursday afternoon introductory phone call could lead to a Thursday night rendezvous at my local bar. Why not? These days, in order to have a night out, I need to find a babysitter (and potentially invest quite a bit of money), as well as sacrifice precious time with my daughter (or, the aforementioned extra sleep!). Sure, the right guy is definitely worth it…but who wants to invest time and money on the “wrong” guy? Thus, I’m less apt to take a risk these days—especially since I’m protecting more than just my own heart now.

With her affectionate nature and outgoing personality, Jayda is so easy to love…but it’s just as easy to break her heart. When a good friend leaves us to go home after spending a day with me and Jayda, my daughter often asks for that person over and over again, every day for weeks! What would she do if I dated a man—whom Jayda got to know and love—and then we broke up? Yes, I know she’d recover, but still, the thought of my daughter suffering for my dating mistakes pains me. And so I hesitate. I question whether I’m really ready for a serious relationship. I certainly don’t bring my dates home to meet Jayda. And I continually wonder if the timing will ever be right for meeting “our” Mr. Right.

Choosing to be a single mom definitely alleviated the pressure I used to put on myself to search for a husband. And, overall, it’s made me a much happier, more confident person. But sometimes I wonder if the pressures single motherhood has added to my dating life will ultimately make my search impossible. I suppose only time will tell…

INTRODUCING JAMIE LEVINE, NEW MOM BLOGGER FOR MOTHERHOODLATER.COM

A Single Mother by Choice (Sort of…) -- by Jamie Levine

I’m a single mother by choice. Though “by choice” isn’t quite an accurate description of my lifestyle. Yes, I chose to have a child on my own. But I didn’t exactly choose to raise a child without a husband by my side. Circumstances steered me that way.

My parents have been married for over 50 years. My dad is a great father, husband, and simply, a mensch: A caring, generous, affectionate, thoughtful guy—the kind of man I’d like to marry. And the type of guy I always pictured fathering my child(ren). However, after years and years (and years!) of serial dating, all I ever seemed to meet was Mr. Wrong: Commitmentphobes whom I tried (unsuccessfully!) to reform, commitment-minded men who bored me to tears, and even men who were good fathers already. (As in…they were finished having children.) I never found my own Mr. Right. So, as I grew older, I decided to take action…and, at the age of 36, I “chose” to begin my path to single-mom-hood. I decided to do things backwards: Become a mom first and a wife second. Since I do still hope to be married someday.

“Choosing” to be a single mother does have its perks. I don’t ever have to fight with anyone about child-rearing issues. Heck, even my daughter’s name was all my idea—and I didn’t need to run it by anyone else. I also don’t have to worry about taking care of anyone but Jayda and myself. There’s no one else to make dinner for, do laundry for, or clean up after. (And no one else to apologize to about my messes…or my lousy dinners!) Finally, when I do meet a man whom I want to date, he doesn’t have to worry about my “unresolved issues” with my ex—or any contact we might have as a result of sharing time with my daughter. There is no ex.

But of course, there’s also no doting dad for my little girl to look up to. And while a part of me is saddened when I think of Jayda growing up without a father like I had, I know she’s more loved than a lot of kids. She’s also fortunate to have other wonderful men in her life who adore her—uncles, friends, neighbors, and most importantly, my father. And for now, that’s enough.

Jamie Levine is an accomplished children’s book/gift buyer and online marketer, as well as a certified life coach. Currently, she is a freelance writer and consultant, as a means to spend more time with her greatest gift—her 26-month-old daughter, Jayda. Jamie hopes to find a way to permanently work without much commuting before she turns 40 in February! She and Jayda live on Long Island, NY.