The New Journey - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

As a sequel to my former two blogs, I continue with my issue of divorce, but in a much more positive way. From the comments from last week’s blog, as well as some very meaningful advice from my therapist and even my Rabbi, I’ve begun what we are referring to as my “New Journey.”

This all started when I sat with my therapist and began to lambaste my husband about the new things he is doing (such as going skiing), with my son. I ranted and raved that I used to ski, but gave it up because my husband had no interest in it. My therapist then explained to me what she terms, “The Journey.”

As she described it, many people go through different “Journeys” during their lifetimes. Some couples are able to manage going through these journeys together. Other couples end up apart, because their personal journeys conflict for some reason and the couple is unable to merge their journeys together. She was essentially saying that my husband and I have grown apart in certain ways. And although I was willing to try to “merge” our different interests, he was not. She said that for some reason, he doesn’t want to include you on his new path in life. He wants something different. And he wants to do it alone or only include our son.

As painful as it was to hear this, I had to admit that my husband and I had been pursuing interests that neither one of us would have wanted to participate in. I no more would want to participate in an all day bike-a-thon than he would want to learn about theology. Our paths were already diverging.

My Rabbi, coincidentally, also used the word “journey” when I was discussing my current state of mind. She also felt that sometimes two people come together and have common interests and goals, only to find out that they have literally grown out of each other. And she reiterated that my husband already has started to move on and that I needed to try to do the same as well. Walking around with bitterness and resentment regarding a situation I can and never will be able to change is counter productive, at the least. I need to move on also.

My only lingering question to both my therapist and Rabbi was, “But what about my son? He is an innocent victim in all of this.” They both eluded that he would have to form his own “journey” through all of this. And if he needed counseling to help him do that, I would provide it.

So, here I am embarking on my New Journey. To be quite honest, I don’t even know what that is or where I am going. Except for taking a new class in theology, not much has changed in my life. Except for one really important thing:  My son has needed to go to bed much earlier the past couple of weeks because he is now sleeping longer than his usual 8 hours. Once we turn out the lights, he asks to hold my hand or arm as he drifts off. At first I was annoyed that I had to spend that extra time doing “nothing.” But I heard my therapist’s voice in the back of my head saying, “He is regressing a little. He’s clinging because he needs you.” So I decided to take the time I now use to help him fall asleep and utilize it towards something I used to do religiously, but found I was unable to fit it in at all in my chaotic life: Meditate. I sit on the floor, next to my son’s bed, as he holds my hand with his little one, and I clear my mind and breathe long, deep, slow breaths. And I realized a couple days ago that I was beginning my New Journey! I was starting to meditate again! And hopefully this will work its way into other facets of my life. Eventually my new path will be filled with new endeavors, new people and new goals. And I will have my son to share what I find interesting in my journey.

Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings

~ Tao Te Ching ~

I couldn’t have said it more eloquently myself.

The Rejuvenation of the Spirit - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I went to a class at my Temple the other day to learn about the Prophets from the Bible (or Torah as it is called in Judaism). It is an 8 week course run by my favorite woman Rabbi. I initially was going to skip going. I had my excuses. I was still getting over Bronchitis; It was literally the coldest day we’ve had this month; I had errands to run, laundry to do, this blog to write, etc., etc., etc. But I went. And I can’t tell you how glad I did!

I was a little apprehensive going in to the group. The youngest person there was at least 15 years my senior. I was assuaged only by the fact that the Rabbi is probably 10 years younger than me! So I sat next to her!

I have found that almost everyone in this Temple, members as well as staff, are all so very warm and embracing. To my complete surprise, I wasn’t finding that with this group, except for an elderly man, probably in his 80s, who remembered me from another study group. But that didn’t dissuade me. I was there to learn and learn I did!

As I furiously wrote down facts and put together a chronology of sorts in my mind as to who was born when and what was happening in the world at what time, I felt a stirring inside me! That stirring was my love of learning and gaining knowledge in a room of quite learned, well educated people! As questions were thrown out and challenges to the text were issued, I became absorbed into this educational environment! And although I was clearly the youngest (except for the Rabbi, who is quite learned herself!), I found myself questioning ancient beliefs or trying to make sense out of practices that would simply never occur in the world today. I was transfixed. Mesmerized. In my element. The Grinch was slowly softening, as his (my) heart was growing 10 sizes too big! I was actually enjoying myself! 

I think I need to go to more classes. The everyday problems of my life are consuming me. More classes will probably not only distract me, but also engage me. I need to feel proud of my academic yearnings. Right now I feel dead inside. Lifeless. I don’t even know what is going on in the world. I need to reach out and embrace my innate need for knowledge and a better awareness of life as a whole.

There is a class I am planning on attending right after the New Year. It is a fresh start. A New Beginning. A new commitment. A place to go to stretch my mind, open up my social circle, and leave feeling not only smarter, but more empowered!

This past year has been beyond rough. It has been horrendous. It needs to change. I’m looking forward to change. I need it. Desperately. And I am going to do whatever I need to do to get myself back together. It is time.

A New Year. A lot of change. More positivity. I’m ready to go!

On Celebrating Holidays - by Cara

I was quite saddened during this past Jewish holiday called Rosh Hashanah. And I anticipate many sad holidays to come. At least for a while.

I am not Jewish. My husband is. Before we got married, by husband requested that we raise our children in the Jewish faith. Not comfortable at that point to consider converting to Judaism, we elected to raise our child through what is known as Reform Judaism. In Reform Judaism, at least one parent must be of the Jewish faith. In more strict areas of Judaism, the mother of a child MUST be Jewish in order for the child to be considered Jewish. This is not the case in Reform Judaism, where only one parent, mother OR father has to be Jewish.

I chose to raise my child to be Jewish for several very important reasons. My first is that although I am a spiritual person, I do not have any direct connections with any particular faith, as my parents were not very religious. My feeling is that if a child is going to experience a religion, this child should be exposed to religious family gatherings, rituals and traditions on a fairly regular basis. I felt that although my husband was not terribly religious (and is even less so now), that at least there would be my husband’s family who would introduce and carry out these important customs for my child to eventually relate to and internalize.

We have been sending our son to religious school, at the Reform Temple we belong to, for going on three years now. Our son enjoys his religious classes and we can tell is learning, and retaining a fair amount of his studies. But now that my divorce proceedings are underway, I’m in between a rock and a hard place.

Since I wasn’t raised in the Jewish faith, I am hardly equipped to truly raise my child with the customs and traditions that become assimilated into a person if the religion is practiced routinely, beginning in childhood. I did take a 7-month Introduction to Judaism class along with a 3 month Beginning Hebrew class...still, I feel lost. My husband has practically no interest in celebrating the Jewish Holidays. In fact, he blew off the second day of Rosh Hashanah to go to the Jersey Shore with his friends. He is working on Yom Kippur, the most holy of all Jewish holidays. And he is planning to be at a convention the first 5 days of Chanukah. My husband’s family wants nothing to do with me, so there goes the family support for the traditions and customs. I am at a loss. I did not choose to do this alone. Had I ever thought I would be teaching religion to my child by myself, I would have at least chosen a religion who’s customs I am much more familiar with. But it is not fair to my son to suddenly redirect him towards a different religious path at this point.

Since my husband is choosing to disregard the holidays of his own religion, I felt that the minimum he could do would be to drop our son off at religious school, pick him up, and do our son’s religious homework with him. My Rabbi, a warm, sweet, loving woman, is going to help me learn more as my son and I go along. She wrote down family get-togethers and child focused events, such as helping to build a Sukkah (an outdoor dwelling where all meals are eaten and you can choose to sleep in the Sukkah, weather permitting, for 8 days. It is actually a celebration of the harvest season and typically is celebrated in the Fall.), as well as some Chanukah family events we can attend together.

It is somewhat comforting to know that several of the children in my son’s religious class have also been in one of his classes at his elementary school, so I am at least familiar with some of the parents at our Temple. Still, I feel overwhelmed and abandoned in yet another area of my son’s and my life. I chose to do this in the best interest for my child and with the understanding that I would have family support. Now, I have none of that, and I am resentful. I guess I just have to resolve that this is yet another area in my life where my son and I are going to plod through as best we can.

And, of course, it doesn’t help matters when my son loudly asked in Temple the other day, “Mommy, when is Christmas?”