Cyma Shapiro Chats with Jennifer Powell-Lunder, author, Teenage as a Second Language

Jennifer, I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to read your wonderful book. Although my children flank the teenage years, your book had so many wonderful suggestions for how to cut through the daily tensions that I aim to employ many of these techniques right now.

Q: Please tell me how you came to write this book.

 As a psychologist working with teens and their families on a daily basis a few things were clear: First, that all parents love their children and want to find a way to effectively communicate with them. Secondly, that teens, too, love their parents and want to have positive relationships with them. While teens are using seemingly the same words to communicate with their parents, it is the meaning of these words as well as the context that can result in misunderstanding. While I penned this book, it is really written by the hundreds of teen I have had the opportunity to talk with.  These teens translated their language for me.

Q: What kind of teenager were you? What did your parents do about it? Did your early experiences compel you to write this book?

As a teen I was often in the role of listening to the concerns and dilemma’s of my peers and friends and offering advice. I was a Peer Counselor in high School, In college, at the University of Virginia, I was very involved in the Big Brother Big Sister Program as a volunteer and a Program Coordinator.

I had very caring and supportive parents. We communicated well. They were firm but flexible. They were willing to listen to my point of view when I did not agree with their decisions. I guess you could say they modeled well for me.  Of course there were the typical teenage disagreements. I think what compelled me to write the book was my early experiences as a confidant and my advice- giving. I guess I was often in the role of a ‘mini psychologist.’ I wanted to help parents not only understand what their teens were saying, but offer them tools  to build better communication.

Q: I know that I’m often reactively angry in many situations, esp. when my children exhibit what I believe are disrespectful behaviors.  Your book consistently outlines calm, diplomatic methods for responding to retorts or when trying to break through certain behavior patterns. How can a parent come to terms with these types of emotions?

The first step is truly self-awareness. I always tell parents it is easy for me to sit in my chair in my office, but as a parent myself, I rely on my own mindfulness to practice what I preach. As a parent it is important to know when you need to take a moment away from a situation to collect your thoughts and emotions. This takes practice. If you are feeling so overwhelmed or upset by a particular situation, it is also often helpful to step back and ask the co-parent (if there is one) to step in. Kids learn most through observational learning. This is why if you react calmly you gain so much. Your teens are more prone to listen to what you have to say, and you teach them how they should communicate with you and others. Remember, ‘anger begets anger.’

Q: in many sections, you note that children’s responses are often the result of learned behaviors and daily family-interactions.  However, as the years pass, more and more children are diagnosed with ADD, OCD, ADHD and a host of other chemical imbalances which don’t often point directly back to the parents or the family.  What can a parent do if his/her child struggles with these issues, and parental responses don’t change the fundamental dynamics?

Structure and predictability are especially important for these teens.  This is because internally these kids struggle. Parents should work with their teens to develop a set of boundaries and limits, a.k.a: rules and consequences. The key is to work with your teens to help them feel empowered and own the process which I outline in the book. Consistency is also extremely important. You have to “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” The only person who can control our behavior is ourselves. When parents provide a reliable and consistent environment, they help to shape their children’s behaviors. Because parents may feel especially overwhelmed by their teens if they struggle with an attention or mood disorder, it is not uncommon to give in to demands in the moment to quell the emotional response. In the long run however, this can contribute to future conflicts.

Q:  As I often write, new older mothers grapple with many other external issues not endemic to younger mothers – peri-menopause, aging parents, blended stepfamilies. What specific advice do you have for these mothers when it comes to the additional challenge of dealing with teenagers and this age group?

I think older moms have time on their side. They have lived more of life and have access to a whole host of wisdom and experiences younger moms do not have. That being said, it is important to be mindful of any limitations and work around them. If for example, you feel that your frustration tolerance is lower, awareness will allow you to step back from a situation in order to avoid conflict. Regarding blended families it is important that both teens and parents have a clear understanding of roles (e.g. does a step-parent have the same authority to parent as the parent). Conflicts in these situations often arise when there is a lack of consistency regarding roles and no or inconsistent rules. Older parents can also create opportunities to connect with their teens on a different level. If for example, you are not as savvy or up to date with the latest social networking technology, learn from your teens. By allowing them to teach you, you not only empower them, you create an opportunity to spend valuable time with them which is sure to enhance your relationship.

Q: Sometimes I see  what I believe are “perfect kids” in a “perfect family.” Although many times appearances are not what they seem, sometimes these kids are, indeed, smart, well-balanced, emotionally sound, with inherently high self-esteem – all things which make growing pains more palatable. What do you attribute this to? What advice do you offer these types of emotionally balanced families who have a troubled teen?

In general, the world has become a more complicated place. This means that our teens are faced with a multitude of pressures and challenges. It goes without saying that no one is perfect. Adolescence is about the search for identity, trying on different roles. Teens face pressure and controversy no matter how well adjusted they present (themselves to be). As a parent, it is important to be involved , flexible, yet consistent. Research reflects the importance of monitoring your teens’ behaviors even if they are “good kids.” In fact, when teens believe they are being monitored they are less likely to engage in high risk behaviors. Permissive parenting is the style of parenting most associated with teens engaging in higher risk behaviors such as substance abuse and promiscuity. It is also important for parents to be aware of ‘red flag behaviors’ which may include: changes in sleep or eating habits, changes in outward appearances, changes in peer group (i.e. do you suddenly not have a clue with whom your teen is friends?), changes in academic performance and/or school attendance, lower motivation to do things previously enjoyed, etc. Sometimes these changes can be subtle at first. Go with your gut, if you feel something may be off, it probably it is. It is important to sit down with your teen and discuss your concerns in an interactive manner. Talk with them, not at them.

Q: In your chapter on “Independence,” you write the following, “In Teenage, the difference translates like this: You promote autonomy by encouraging your teens to negotiate the world at large. This entails providing structure, support and guidelines on how to proceed…You promote independence while you encourage your teens to negotiate the world on their own….Your teens are supported in trying new things and managing situations on their own. If your teens experience you are too controlling, blaming or even rejecting they are at higher risk for difficulties including alcohol and substance abuse, eating, disorders, etc.” This would be eye-opening to many Type-A women who have succeeded professionally through control and order. In reality, they are, like me, just trying to combine a successful career with successful older Mommyhood; trying to draw from past experiences when faced with an ever-changing new world. Can you speak about this dilemma?

Parenting is about balance. Too much or too little control can result in concerning consequences. It is important to parent in a firm yet flexible manner. You need to work with your teen. Most important, you need to stop and really listen to what they have to say. When you talk at them, they tend to shut down. You are your teen’s best role model. They learn most from what you do, not necessarily what you say. If you are a successful person, the lessons you are teaching your teen are invaluable. What you are alluding to above, is that I highlight the difference between promoting autonomy and independence. Autonomy is about encouraging your teens to step out of the nest but ensuring their understanding that you are there to provide support and guidance when needed. Independence, is defined as pushing them out of the nest. It is important to encourage autonomy first.  As parents we can not do it for them (although at times we may want to). If you consistently communicate with your teen and work together to set up limits and boundaries you provide the best opportunity for a strong communicative relationship with your teen. Sometimes they do need to fall in order to learn better how to fly. As parent, your role is to be there to catch them. If you fly for them, they will not learn how to do it themselves.

Q: So much of what you clearly and repeatedly identify through body language and nonverbal cues, with simplistic, clear directives on how to respond to these, would require us to relax and stop moving long enough to “catch” these many clues. Drawing from the question above, how can we be effective with this information if we, as parents, already feel we have too much on our plate(s)?

Ah, you answered your own question! Stop moving, stop multitasking! While you may be able to do several things at once, your teens do not see it that the way. I learned this from my own kids. Typing on the computer and talking with them, sends the message that I am not fully attending! A few moments of your undivided attention will not only provide you with the opportunity to pick up on these important nonverbal cues but, it will send your teens an invaluable message, you always have time for them no matter what!

Q: What do you think is the most common mistake parents make when dealing with teenagers?

Parenting to extremes,  too controlling or too permissive. Everything in moderation should be the mantra. 

Q: Finally, what is the single best advice you can offer families or parents with teenagers?

Two things: Focus on what you can do, not on what you can’t. Parenting is  about interaction not reaction

Tribute Song for the Uterus by Leta Hamilton

This is my tribute to some of the best years of my life. My thirties were filled with one pregnancy after another. At age thirty-one I had my first baby. He was followed by a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Soon after, we conceived our second son. He was born when I was thirty-four. At thirty-six, our third son came into the world, and at thirty-nine, I welcomed our fourth – and final – son to our family. Each son carries with him a unique blueprint of genes that can never be replicated in precisely the same way. They are each miracles.

With a house full of boys and a neighbor next door thrown in the mix, it is a lively home I commandeer. Our family is complete in so many ways. We have a wonderful home. We live in a beautiful part of the country. We are rich with all the necessities of life. Room for growth is reserved for altitude and longitude as the boys grow taller and we renovate the basement to make more space. There is no room left energetically for a new addition. By that I mean, and forgive me if this sounds too metaphysical, the experience of bringing new life onto this planet does not have the same power for spinning into extreme growth of the soul as it once did. My soul, to be exact, is finally done understanding what it sought through the birth experience. 

Now my tubes are burnt and the years of pregnancy and childbirth are behind me. My uterus must concentrate on bestowing this family with female wisdom and maternal support. Ahead I have years of practical, hands-on, mothering to do. It is important work, vital in fact. I have given this planet four more mouths to feed. The time has come to teach them about life that they may live appropriately and well – nurturing the ground that holds them and supporting whatever future awaits their impact. All of this, the attention I give them until they no longer need me and the state of my own internal landscape, will shape the men they become. I want them to see in me a mother who loves and honors her essence as a woman and as a role-model.

So it is with pride and love that I offer this “Tribute Song to My Uterus” for all posterity to see. My uterus has served me well over the years and she is a great friend to me. In the years to come, we will have new adventures together. That these adventures will not include gestating babies and trips down the birth canal does little to affect her usefulness as a constant companion and trusted partner. We are a team, my uterus and I. We walk upon this planet with a beauty that no phallic symbol can ever match. My husband loves his manhood. He named his penis long ago and relishes in its uniqueness.  Well, I do the same. I declare my uterus named Hope and delight in our path as woman.

There is no way to describe what it means to give my attention to my uterus in this way. I can accept and let go of the need to bare any more children. I can accept my female goddessness and use its potential for being a mom to my four boys that will light the way for their greatness. I am great with a uterus. We have much to look forward and anticipate with full expectation of extraordinary gifts. It is only just beginning, this relationship with Hope, the uterus. I have named her now. We have to stay friends. And, as I mature into my crone years, I will honor her again with another Tribute Song.  This time, I will call it “Tribute Song for an Old Crone’s Uterus.” You can read that article in thirty years. 

Before we do that, however, tune in next month for another installment from The Way of the Toddler lady.

GUEST BLOG POST: A Valentine to Motherhood by Rochelle Jewel Shapiro

             My Uncle Kenny, he should rest in peace, used to shake his head and say, “If only we could raise the neighbor’s children.”

            Sure, because we’d be detached, we’d be able to see exactly what we were doing without the overlay of our own childhood, our own wishes. I’m a grandparent now like my Uncle Kenny was back when he told me that, so I think I have a better sense of what my failings were. 

            From what I remember, most parents when I was young didn’t worry about whether or not their children loved them. They just assumed they did, like they assumed they were taking in oxygen when they breathed, no matter what they could afford or even how they treated their kids. I was beaten at home and wouldn’t recommend it. In fact, I’m still recovering. But I remember my friend’s father, a big burly man, telling his four children, “If you don’t like my rules, don’t bang your ass on the door as you leave.” His four kids didn’t leave until they were of age and could support themselves and they would do anything for him.

            On the other hand, when I became a mother and had to give my daughter a time-out, I’m sure I suffered more than she did in her roomful of toys, worrying that I had been too harsh. Oh, and the times I didn’t make it to the count of ten and lost it and yelled, my heart took an express elevator down to my knees. The first time my daughter said, “I hate you Mommy,” she was two and only my head knew this was normal. The rest of me shriveled like a salted slug. I had hoped to be the beloved Marmee of Little Women, the playful mother in The Five Little Peppers and How they Grew, the wise and kindly one in I Remember Mama. Maybe my parents were lucky that they never read books. They weren’t trying to live up to impossible expectations.

            By the time my son was born, I’d discovered the work of Haim Ginott. http://www.betweenparentandchild.com/index.php?s=content&p=Haim who believed that parents should reflect back a child’s feelings. For example, if you notice that your child feels blue after her cousin leaves from a week-long visit, you might say, “The house must seem so empty without Leonard here.”

I was so insecure with my parenting that I overdid it. One day my son came off the bus in huff. He glared at me and said, “Don’t ask me how I feel about socking Adam back.” After that, no matter how cagey I was with my Ginott, my son was onto me.

My friend, Rick, was so reviled by his parents for being gay that he had to move from the Midwest to New York to escape them. After observing me interacting with my daughter and son, he said, “Gosh, Rochelle, I had no idea that there were parents who wanted their kids’ approval.”

            He was right. But thankfully, despite my insecurities, it all turned out fine. My daughter calls me daily and ends most of our phone calls with her saying, “love you” and my son always clasps me to him whenever we say goodbye. But what anguish I would have saved myself if only I had had the benefit of reading about the mother/child bonding in Judith Horstman’s The Scientific American Book of Love, Sex, and the Brain: the Neuroscience of How, When, Why, and Who We Love  (Jossey-Bass, 2012), http://www.amazon.com/Scientific-American-Book-Love-Brain/dp/0470647787/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328372577&sr=1-2  By using modern tools for looking into the brain, it’s been proven (p. 43) that because of the firing of mirroring neurons and the flooding of oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” joy is created in a mother and child by just looking into each other’s faces. As a result, a mother holds a special place in a child’s heart and brain throughout his lifetime, even when the child is grown and out of the house for years. Soldiers wounded in battle cry out for their mothers. Most children phone their mothers when they are in crisis for comfort. The reminder of a mother’s touch, her voice, can help change people’s minds, moods, and choices. We carry our mothers with us to the end of our days. The elderly often cry out for their mothers as they are dying.

            If I had fully understood the neurological and biochemical factors of motherhood as I was raising my children, I might have thought of it for what it truly is---a valentine that lasts a lifetime.

Rochelle Jewel Shapiro is a novelist, essayist, poet, blogger, writing instructor and more. She is the author of Miriam the Medium (Simon and Schuster) which is selling in the U.S., the U.K., Belgium and Holland.  Visit www.rochellejewelshapiro.com

GUEST BLOG POST:Balancing Life and Parenting by Kira Wizner

Being a Responsible Parent and Carving Out a Life For Yourself:  It is Possible!

Imagine an old-fashioned counter-weight scale coming into balance.  It will dip on each side, back and forth, until you rearrange things and allow the scale to settle.

Most of us feel that our family is probably the most important thing in our lives.  It’s true.  Because it’s true, we often put our family responsibilities first, ahead of ourselves.  Our scales are not balanced.

Theoretically, we know why we need to bring a strong, complete self to parenthood, but let’s go over it again.  We are models for our children, and models for the people and parents that our children will become.  Want the best imitation of yourself?  Ask your child.  It will be uncanny.  Showing your child all the different things you do, and how you strive for balance, will also help your child strive for balance. 

Children hear (and repeat) what we say.  If you find yourself saying, “I’ve never left the kids with a babysitter,” or “I spend so much time taking care of everyone else, I don’t have time to do anything for myself,” kids will get those messages.  In order: “There is something wrong with babysitters/babysitting though I’m only a kid so I’m not quite sure what it is”; “You aren’t taking time for yourself even though you seem to know you need it, and I am one of the reasons why.”

A tired, stressed out mom is not a great mom.  If you are super honest with yourself, you know you are a better mom (and partner, daughter, friend) when you are rested and feel like the things that can be under control, actually are.

So, now we are reminded why we need to balance the scale. What specifically can we do to retain and regain that balance? 

This is a time to pull out some blank paper or a journal.  Go through your day, then your week.  What are the hardest times?  The times you feel the most tired or stressed?  What are the best times?  What do you want to do more of?  What do you want to do less of?  Once you have some ideas, work slowly to figure out what you need to make sure it can happen.

Retain all the balance you have—do you take a yoga class you love?  Or know you need to exercise at least twice a week?  For a long time I took a weekly yoga class with women I really connected with; when that didn’t work with my schedule, I started going to the gym twice a week, and after that, I switched to biking.  My goal?  To make sure I had time to exercise in the week.  Later, I realized I missed some of that connection I got at yoga, and looked for other ways to replace it.

Talk with your partner or a friend about the smallest move with the biggest payoff.  Can you hire someone to do something that is draining your time or energy?  Can you swap some household responsibilities with your partner?  Are there things your kids could be doing that you haven’t thought of?  Perhaps making breakfast is something your child could take on more easily than you’ve realized.

What is your time and inner peace worth?  You may find 2 or 3 hours of babysitting, for you to do anything (class, rest, coffee with a friend, reading) is a small fix that reaps big rewards.

Are you rushing to after school classes… can you cut some?  Or make a plan with another parent or caregiver who might be going to the same place?  It’s hard for many mothers (me!) to let another mom bring your child to an after school activity when I know how much I value that after school connection, and therein lies the “everything in moderation”.  It’s not every day after school, it might be once a week, or once every other week.  And our children will have valuable life experiences those days.  Reasonable versatility is a great skill to practice!

Do you use an online calendar that sends reminders to your phone?  Do you share that calendar with your partner, or your ex, or your caregiver or any other adult that helps?  This is one of the small moves that goes a long way.  And there are youtube videos with step-by-step instructions, so even if it’s not your thing, you can do it.

How are you taking care of you?  Schedule appointments, even with yourself!  Knowing you are going to take a salt bath, or do a body scrub, or sit with a coffee, reminds you that you are worth the gift of time and relaxation.  You need it.

Because, face it—we don’t really have any choice!  This is our life, now.  Every day you are going to get up and be your amazing self—so give yourself what you need to be that strong, vibrant mom!  Build yourself a sustainable model.  There is a big space between knowing something and actually doing it—things will shift when you make a shift. 

We can think of family life like a boat—if there are holes and water is coming in, you can get a bucket and bail it out—you can keep bailing indefinitely—you’ll be tired, you’ll have to take turns sleeping, but the boat will not sink.  Or, you could pull the boat back to shallow water, turn it over, let it dry, make some repairs, take the time to reinforce the weak parts, pack some extra patching material, maybe even a shiny glossy coat of paint, and then get back in the water.

Kira Wizner, M.S.T., is a mom of two and parent coach in New York City.  A former teacher and staff developer in the NYC public school system, she began an intense study in parenting and child development when she became a mother.  Her askyourfriendkira.com site features information on subjects from conception through parenting.  Her new teleclass, Your Family Map, addresses the burning issues moms often face and explores ten areas of modern life, from Family Harmony to Self Care, to Food, the Arts, Travel, Technology and more.  Participants will learn how to create a map of the family life they'd like to manifest, including a plan of action.

Kira is offering a complimentary preview call for this program on Wednesday, February 15th at 12 noon EST.  http://www.askyourfriendkira.com/registration-familymap-introductory-teleclass.

Learn more about the course here http://www.askyourfriendkira.com/your-family-map-i-friends-family, and Motherhood Later readers can use this page for enrollment for a special friends and family discount tuition.