Cyma Shapiro Chats with Jennifer Powell-Lunder, author, Teenage as a Second Language

Jennifer, I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to read your wonderful book. Although my children flank the teenage years, your book had so many wonderful suggestions for how to cut through the daily tensions that I aim to employ many of these techniques right now.

Q: Please tell me how you came to write this book.

 As a psychologist working with teens and their families on a daily basis a few things were clear: First, that all parents love their children and want to find a way to effectively communicate with them. Secondly, that teens, too, love their parents and want to have positive relationships with them. While teens are using seemingly the same words to communicate with their parents, it is the meaning of these words as well as the context that can result in misunderstanding. While I penned this book, it is really written by the hundreds of teen I have had the opportunity to talk with.  These teens translated their language for me.

Q: What kind of teenager were you? What did your parents do about it? Did your early experiences compel you to write this book?

As a teen I was often in the role of listening to the concerns and dilemma’s of my peers and friends and offering advice. I was a Peer Counselor in high School, In college, at the University of Virginia, I was very involved in the Big Brother Big Sister Program as a volunteer and a Program Coordinator.

I had very caring and supportive parents. We communicated well. They were firm but flexible. They were willing to listen to my point of view when I did not agree with their decisions. I guess you could say they modeled well for me.  Of course there were the typical teenage disagreements. I think what compelled me to write the book was my early experiences as a confidant and my advice- giving. I guess I was often in the role of a ‘mini psychologist.’ I wanted to help parents not only understand what their teens were saying, but offer them tools  to build better communication.

Q: I know that I’m often reactively angry in many situations, esp. when my children exhibit what I believe are disrespectful behaviors.  Your book consistently outlines calm, diplomatic methods for responding to retorts or when trying to break through certain behavior patterns. How can a parent come to terms with these types of emotions?

The first step is truly self-awareness. I always tell parents it is easy for me to sit in my chair in my office, but as a parent myself, I rely on my own mindfulness to practice what I preach. As a parent it is important to know when you need to take a moment away from a situation to collect your thoughts and emotions. This takes practice. If you are feeling so overwhelmed or upset by a particular situation, it is also often helpful to step back and ask the co-parent (if there is one) to step in. Kids learn most through observational learning. This is why if you react calmly you gain so much. Your teens are more prone to listen to what you have to say, and you teach them how they should communicate with you and others. Remember, ‘anger begets anger.’

Q: in many sections, you note that children’s responses are often the result of learned behaviors and daily family-interactions.  However, as the years pass, more and more children are diagnosed with ADD, OCD, ADHD and a host of other chemical imbalances which don’t often point directly back to the parents or the family.  What can a parent do if his/her child struggles with these issues, and parental responses don’t change the fundamental dynamics?

Structure and predictability are especially important for these teens.  This is because internally these kids struggle. Parents should work with their teens to develop a set of boundaries and limits, a.k.a: rules and consequences. The key is to work with your teens to help them feel empowered and own the process which I outline in the book. Consistency is also extremely important. You have to “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” The only person who can control our behavior is ourselves. When parents provide a reliable and consistent environment, they help to shape their children’s behaviors. Because parents may feel especially overwhelmed by their teens if they struggle with an attention or mood disorder, it is not uncommon to give in to demands in the moment to quell the emotional response. In the long run however, this can contribute to future conflicts.

Q:  As I often write, new older mothers grapple with many other external issues not endemic to younger mothers – peri-menopause, aging parents, blended stepfamilies. What specific advice do you have for these mothers when it comes to the additional challenge of dealing with teenagers and this age group?

I think older moms have time on their side. They have lived more of life and have access to a whole host of wisdom and experiences younger moms do not have. That being said, it is important to be mindful of any limitations and work around them. If for example, you feel that your frustration tolerance is lower, awareness will allow you to step back from a situation in order to avoid conflict. Regarding blended families it is important that both teens and parents have a clear understanding of roles (e.g. does a step-parent have the same authority to parent as the parent). Conflicts in these situations often arise when there is a lack of consistency regarding roles and no or inconsistent rules. Older parents can also create opportunities to connect with their teens on a different level. If for example, you are not as savvy or up to date with the latest social networking technology, learn from your teens. By allowing them to teach you, you not only empower them, you create an opportunity to spend valuable time with them which is sure to enhance your relationship.

Q: Sometimes I see  what I believe are “perfect kids” in a “perfect family.” Although many times appearances are not what they seem, sometimes these kids are, indeed, smart, well-balanced, emotionally sound, with inherently high self-esteem – all things which make growing pains more palatable. What do you attribute this to? What advice do you offer these types of emotionally balanced families who have a troubled teen?

In general, the world has become a more complicated place. This means that our teens are faced with a multitude of pressures and challenges. It goes without saying that no one is perfect. Adolescence is about the search for identity, trying on different roles. Teens face pressure and controversy no matter how well adjusted they present (themselves to be). As a parent, it is important to be involved , flexible, yet consistent. Research reflects the importance of monitoring your teens’ behaviors even if they are “good kids.” In fact, when teens believe they are being monitored they are less likely to engage in high risk behaviors. Permissive parenting is the style of parenting most associated with teens engaging in higher risk behaviors such as substance abuse and promiscuity. It is also important for parents to be aware of ‘red flag behaviors’ which may include: changes in sleep or eating habits, changes in outward appearances, changes in peer group (i.e. do you suddenly not have a clue with whom your teen is friends?), changes in academic performance and/or school attendance, lower motivation to do things previously enjoyed, etc. Sometimes these changes can be subtle at first. Go with your gut, if you feel something may be off, it probably it is. It is important to sit down with your teen and discuss your concerns in an interactive manner. Talk with them, not at them.

Q: In your chapter on “Independence,” you write the following, “In Teenage, the difference translates like this: You promote autonomy by encouraging your teens to negotiate the world at large. This entails providing structure, support and guidelines on how to proceed…You promote independence while you encourage your teens to negotiate the world on their own….Your teens are supported in trying new things and managing situations on their own. If your teens experience you are too controlling, blaming or even rejecting they are at higher risk for difficulties including alcohol and substance abuse, eating, disorders, etc.” This would be eye-opening to many Type-A women who have succeeded professionally through control and order. In reality, they are, like me, just trying to combine a successful career with successful older Mommyhood; trying to draw from past experiences when faced with an ever-changing new world. Can you speak about this dilemma?

Parenting is about balance. Too much or too little control can result in concerning consequences. It is important to parent in a firm yet flexible manner. You need to work with your teen. Most important, you need to stop and really listen to what they have to say. When you talk at them, they tend to shut down. You are your teen’s best role model. They learn most from what you do, not necessarily what you say. If you are a successful person, the lessons you are teaching your teen are invaluable. What you are alluding to above, is that I highlight the difference between promoting autonomy and independence. Autonomy is about encouraging your teens to step out of the nest but ensuring their understanding that you are there to provide support and guidance when needed. Independence, is defined as pushing them out of the nest. It is important to encourage autonomy first.  As parents we can not do it for them (although at times we may want to). If you consistently communicate with your teen and work together to set up limits and boundaries you provide the best opportunity for a strong communicative relationship with your teen. Sometimes they do need to fall in order to learn better how to fly. As parent, your role is to be there to catch them. If you fly for them, they will not learn how to do it themselves.

Q: So much of what you clearly and repeatedly identify through body language and nonverbal cues, with simplistic, clear directives on how to respond to these, would require us to relax and stop moving long enough to “catch” these many clues. Drawing from the question above, how can we be effective with this information if we, as parents, already feel we have too much on our plate(s)?

Ah, you answered your own question! Stop moving, stop multitasking! While you may be able to do several things at once, your teens do not see it that the way. I learned this from my own kids. Typing on the computer and talking with them, sends the message that I am not fully attending! A few moments of your undivided attention will not only provide you with the opportunity to pick up on these important nonverbal cues but, it will send your teens an invaluable message, you always have time for them no matter what!

Q: What do you think is the most common mistake parents make when dealing with teenagers?

Parenting to extremes,  too controlling or too permissive. Everything in moderation should be the mantra. 

Q: Finally, what is the single best advice you can offer families or parents with teenagers?

Two things: Focus on what you can do, not on what you can’t. Parenting is  about interaction not reaction

I Am Just Plain Tired by Leta Hamilton

How to beat the too-tired blues.......

Listening to the radio this morning, the woman being interviewed said that we think, on average, around 68,000 thoughts per day and that over 80% of those thoughts were negative. For a mom, my guess is that half of those thoughts center one theme: I’m tired. Because we are tired, our patience levels are lower, our tempers are shorter, our appetites for carb-laden foods is greater, our sense of humor takes a beating and life is just not as much fun. But there is a way to beat those too-tired blues. 

Here is my method:

First of all, I know what I am. In the book Brain Rules by John Medina, he writes a whole chapter on sleep. He describes the different sleeping patterns to which humans adhere. There are “early birds” and “night owls” and a range of patterns in between. The important thing is to understand where you fit in to the scale of early/late risers. With that knowledge, you can more proactively establish your own sleeping schedule that matches what your body instinctively needs. After reading this book, I gave myself permission to go to bed earlier and rise earlier because I was able to confirm to myself that I am an early bird and I do not have to feel guilty for going to bed at 9pm every night. Now, I get the sleep my body wants.

With this change in my sleeping patterns, I have been able to rise earlier and have a bit of time to myself in the morning before the kids wake up. Even with four kids, I am still averaging around an hour to myself in the morning before they wake up. This “me time” has made a huge difference in the overall mood of the day. Things just work smoother when I am rested AND have had that time for my morning coffee with no interruptions between 5:30 and 6:30am.

I use my car for resting. When the kids are sleeping in the car, I rest too. Sometimes I sit in my driveway for an hour or more just lying in the front seat with my eyes closed. It is an irreplaceable opportunity to use the excuse of their sleeping to have some enforced downtime. I can choose to rest, read a book (always have one handy) or check messages on my phone. Whatever it is, my car time is a treasured part of my week.

There is exercise in my life. It isn’t much, but it is scheduled. With an infant, I am spending around 30 minutes each evening walking around the neighborhood. It’s about as long as my husband can supervise a baby that isn’t on the bottle yet. With this time, I move my body and clear my head. Its therapeutic benefits cannot be overemphasized. And, because I do it in the evening, I am finding I sleep better.

Lastly, I give myself the privilege of child-free time in which to accomplish some things that just aren’t easy with kids around. That way, I finish personal projects that have little to do with children. The trade off is we spend a certain amount on childcare every month, but my sanity is saved. Having uninterrupted time in which to write my articles, check my emails and order my groceries online is worth the money we pay in babysitting. It also allows me to recoup some of that expense through doing things that add to the household income. 

There may be things that you do to beat the too-tired blues. I would love to hear them. Share them at www.thewayofthetoddler.com. Until next month, happy sleeping.

GUEST BLOG POST:Balancing Life and Parenting by Kira Wizner

Being a Responsible Parent and Carving Out a Life For Yourself:  It is Possible!

Imagine an old-fashioned counter-weight scale coming into balance.  It will dip on each side, back and forth, until you rearrange things and allow the scale to settle.

Most of us feel that our family is probably the most important thing in our lives.  It’s true.  Because it’s true, we often put our family responsibilities first, ahead of ourselves.  Our scales are not balanced.

Theoretically, we know why we need to bring a strong, complete self to parenthood, but let’s go over it again.  We are models for our children, and models for the people and parents that our children will become.  Want the best imitation of yourself?  Ask your child.  It will be uncanny.  Showing your child all the different things you do, and how you strive for balance, will also help your child strive for balance. 

Children hear (and repeat) what we say.  If you find yourself saying, “I’ve never left the kids with a babysitter,” or “I spend so much time taking care of everyone else, I don’t have time to do anything for myself,” kids will get those messages.  In order: “There is something wrong with babysitters/babysitting though I’m only a kid so I’m not quite sure what it is”; “You aren’t taking time for yourself even though you seem to know you need it, and I am one of the reasons why.”

A tired, stressed out mom is not a great mom.  If you are super honest with yourself, you know you are a better mom (and partner, daughter, friend) when you are rested and feel like the things that can be under control, actually are.

So, now we are reminded why we need to balance the scale. What specifically can we do to retain and regain that balance? 

This is a time to pull out some blank paper or a journal.  Go through your day, then your week.  What are the hardest times?  The times you feel the most tired or stressed?  What are the best times?  What do you want to do more of?  What do you want to do less of?  Once you have some ideas, work slowly to figure out what you need to make sure it can happen.

Retain all the balance you have—do you take a yoga class you love?  Or know you need to exercise at least twice a week?  For a long time I took a weekly yoga class with women I really connected with; when that didn’t work with my schedule, I started going to the gym twice a week, and after that, I switched to biking.  My goal?  To make sure I had time to exercise in the week.  Later, I realized I missed some of that connection I got at yoga, and looked for other ways to replace it.

Talk with your partner or a friend about the smallest move with the biggest payoff.  Can you hire someone to do something that is draining your time or energy?  Can you swap some household responsibilities with your partner?  Are there things your kids could be doing that you haven’t thought of?  Perhaps making breakfast is something your child could take on more easily than you’ve realized.

What is your time and inner peace worth?  You may find 2 or 3 hours of babysitting, for you to do anything (class, rest, coffee with a friend, reading) is a small fix that reaps big rewards.

Are you rushing to after school classes… can you cut some?  Or make a plan with another parent or caregiver who might be going to the same place?  It’s hard for many mothers (me!) to let another mom bring your child to an after school activity when I know how much I value that after school connection, and therein lies the “everything in moderation”.  It’s not every day after school, it might be once a week, or once every other week.  And our children will have valuable life experiences those days.  Reasonable versatility is a great skill to practice!

Do you use an online calendar that sends reminders to your phone?  Do you share that calendar with your partner, or your ex, or your caregiver or any other adult that helps?  This is one of the small moves that goes a long way.  And there are youtube videos with step-by-step instructions, so even if it’s not your thing, you can do it.

How are you taking care of you?  Schedule appointments, even with yourself!  Knowing you are going to take a salt bath, or do a body scrub, or sit with a coffee, reminds you that you are worth the gift of time and relaxation.  You need it.

Because, face it—we don’t really have any choice!  This is our life, now.  Every day you are going to get up and be your amazing self—so give yourself what you need to be that strong, vibrant mom!  Build yourself a sustainable model.  There is a big space between knowing something and actually doing it—things will shift when you make a shift. 

We can think of family life like a boat—if there are holes and water is coming in, you can get a bucket and bail it out—you can keep bailing indefinitely—you’ll be tired, you’ll have to take turns sleeping, but the boat will not sink.  Or, you could pull the boat back to shallow water, turn it over, let it dry, make some repairs, take the time to reinforce the weak parts, pack some extra patching material, maybe even a shiny glossy coat of paint, and then get back in the water.

Kira Wizner, M.S.T., is a mom of two and parent coach in New York City.  A former teacher and staff developer in the NYC public school system, she began an intense study in parenting and child development when she became a mother.  Her askyourfriendkira.com site features information on subjects from conception through parenting.  Her new teleclass, Your Family Map, addresses the burning issues moms often face and explores ten areas of modern life, from Family Harmony to Self Care, to Food, the Arts, Travel, Technology and more.  Participants will learn how to create a map of the family life they'd like to manifest, including a plan of action.

Kira is offering a complimentary preview call for this program on Wednesday, February 15th at 12 noon EST.  http://www.askyourfriendkira.com/registration-familymap-introductory-teleclass.

Learn more about the course here http://www.askyourfriendkira.com/your-family-map-i-friends-family, and Motherhood Later readers can use this page for enrollment for a special friends and family discount tuition.

The Halloween Octo'easter by Margaret Hart

In thinking about this week's blog, I couldn't escape my thoughts about the Nor'easter that slammed the New England states this past weekend on the eve of Halloween.  The network news covered it, but it was the countless posts and pictures on facebook that really told the story:  there were children in snowsuits posing with snowmen and scarecrows alike, pumpkins with snow beards, and tree branches hanging like so many cobwebs over streets, parked cars, and "haunted" houses.

We all heard it was coming, but no one wanted to believe it. So we all went about our business on Saturday, and then all of a sudden, it hit.  Giant clumps of cold, wet snow falling rapidly from the sky.  Traffic ground to a halt as it tends to do at the first big snow of the year. I started receiving email alerts about Halloween events that were cancelled. By mid afternoon, tree limbs were hanging so low, heavy with wet snow, that they literally hit my windshield as I hurried home from errands. Tree limbs had snapped and fallen across streets in my neighborhood. 

By evening, the lights had flicked on and off a few times in our house and we held our breath each time. We hunkered down, popped in the "Great Pumpkin" video and just waited....by bedtime, we were astonished we still had power as the predicted winds had picked up and the trees were really swaying.  We jumped when we heard a loud thump, thinking it was a tree branch hitting the roof, but then realized it was clumps of heavy, wet snow falling off trees.

We live in a densely wooded area and trees are always a problem for power lines. So we made a reservation at a local hotel, just in case, and got one of the last available rooms. By morning, we awoke in our own beds to learn that some 800,000 people in our state of Connecticut were without power, and our governor had declared a state of emergency. New Jersey and New York had not fared well, either.

In most storms, we are among the first to lose power and the last to have it restored. But by some stroke of luck, we had made it through this storm, still had power, and thankfully, no damage to our home. I turned on the television news only to learn that the storm had wreaked havoc throughout New England. Several million people were without power along the east coast. And in Connecticut, our governor announced at a press conference that citizens should expect prolonged delays in restoration. Needless to say, people were not happy.

While I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of a storm in October, I was relieved that this Nor'easter, rather, this "Octo'easter," spared us this time around. I felt bad for all the people who lost power and remain without it as I write. It's a shame that Halloween parties and events were cancelled. Many school districts in neighboring towns cancelled school on Monday (and beyond), and some communities cancelled trick-or-treating out of safety concerns due to downed trees and power lines.

But it was Halloween, and determined moms were finding creative ways to make it a fun holiday for their kids and trying not to let Mother Nature get the best of them.  Facebook chatter switched from "12 hours and counting with no power" to "come to our neighborhood to trick or treat."  Resilient moms (and dads) in "dark" neighborhoods just moved their troops to neighborhoods where the pumpkins were glowing and the bat wings were flapping.   

In the end, this Octo'easter will likely be a Halloween that our kids will remember not because of the power outage and broken trees, or even the postponed or cancelled parties; they will remember it because it snowed on Halloween. Kids are great that way!

I Could Have Been a Grandma... by Maureen Eich Vanwalleghan

Lately on Facebook, I have “friended” or been “friended” by folks I knew in high school. I usually go and check out pictures and get a moment to see the happy smiling faces of these “friends” with their families. In most cases the pictures have lots of young kids and babies too. The funny thing is the babies and very young children are their grandkids. These “friends” I haven’t seen in ten years and in many cases longer than that, have had whole lives of being mothers.

It makes me think about my choices. I could have had grandkids myself if I had made some different choices. Before I started college I got pregnant with my then boyfriend. He was and is a great guy. He thought we could get married. I thought we would ruin three peoples lives and said as much. He was incredibly supportive. We went to the doctor together and confirmed the pregnancy and made an appointment for the abortion. In the intervening week I ended up having a miscarriage. A path not taken.

When I was in college and I got pregnant again. At the time there was another pregnant woman at my incredibly small college of 100 students. I felt an overwhelming sense of shame about my situation and observed what I felt was the “tut, tut, isn’t that too bad” attitude about her very visible condition. At the time, I couldn’t solve the puzzle of how I could actually have a baby and finish college. Looking back I see how I didn’t really talk with anyone about my choice except for a mentor who had a baby on her own when she was my age. Ironically, she was the person who went with me to the abortion clinic. I had one more miscarriage when I was in my early 30’s.

When I had my daughter, I had been teaching in a rural high school. When she was born, three of my high school students were also pregnant and most of the women I knew, who were my age, were grandmothers. In such a small town, I was very much a fish out of water in having a baby “so late in life.” The phenomenon of later motherhood is very much an urban one. Here in Prescott, there is one other mother I know who is my age and whose twin daughters are my daughter’s age. Most everyone else is ten years younger. I don’t know that my mommy peers realize how old I am. I don’t know if they notice. But, in the store I am often struck by how much I look like the grandma next to me in the Walmart line with her grandkid. In this mostly retirement community there are a fair number of grandparents who are raising their grandkids.

I don’t have regrets, more musing about what my life might have looked like if I had been a single mother when I was younger. In my youth, I was clear that I needed more time to create a great career or find the perfect man. Now I am not so sure since I am still working on that great career (this time as a filmmaker and writer) and my husband is not the perfect man. He’s a really good man and I am glad to be married to him. We just celebrated our six year anniversary. But, he is not the fantasy man I imagined I might marry nor is my marriage the blissful romantic stuff of light romantic comedies I gorged myself on through my thirties. In fact, the whole family scene turned out to be a lot more intense, messy and overwhelming than I imagined.

Since I was not in a long-term relationship with my fertility at issue, my perspective about my choices is one that is quite malleable depending on the day. With my own daughter I hope I can send a different message than my mom did. Her message: do “it” before you get married and have kids, propelled me forward through so much of my life. Considering her age it was pretty progressive thinking, but it did have unintended consequences.

Women come with uteruses. My message for my daughter is: life is messy, if you get pregnant, go for it anyway...it’ll be hard, but you’ll figure it out. As my daughter sometimes reminds me when I am struggling with her: it’s hard being a mom. The truth is, it’s hard being a mom no matter when you do it.

The SAT -- Maybe I'm not so 'verbal' after all by Sharon Johnson O'Donnell

My middle son, David, 16, is preparing to take the SAT next Saturday, while studying for final exams in subjects like Honors Chemistry and Honors US History. At the same time, my 4th grader has been mastering long division. It's been busy and chaotic at our house and not exactly a fun time. In helping gather materials for David to study for the SAT, I've become very frustrated with the fact that our young people's futures are on the line based on a test with such ambiguous questions, tricky presentations, and vocabulary words that people rarely use in reality. There was one question I found on his PSAT that annoyed me so much that I wrote to the College Board about it. It was a reading passage one (Ugh! Thought I liked to read but these boring, long-winded passages) -- about society and TV and then it asked something about the author's implications of several sentences. It was not straightforward at all but required much examination because several of the answers seemed possible. And this is a timed test. I sent the question to my Writers Group, which is composed of 9 people, including former English teachers, TV reporters, editors, columnists, and published writers -- out of the five possible answers, their responses included 4 different answers. How in the world are stressed-out high school students supposed to answer such a question in a timed environment when professional, educated adults found viable reasons for 4 answers? Thus, I wrote to the College Board about this, and of course I received a brief 'thanks for your comment' letter, and that was it.

Still, I haven't been able to get over how much of an impact this test plays in the futures of our teenagers. Gaining admission in to a college is much more competitive now than it was 20 years ago, and that all-important SAT grade is more important than ever. The pressure on my son and his peers is significantly higher than it was on me when I took the test in 1980. And let's not even talk about the high school GPA. I know this is having a detrimental effect on the mental, physical, and emotional health of our teens, and it concerns me a great deal. Tests are inevitable, but I don't feel we need to make the questions tricky.

My fourth-grader's long division, by contrast, was a breath of fresh air: you do the division, multiplication, and subtraction, and repeat the process until you get an answer and remainder. A definite answer. No ambiguity. No implications. As a journalism major and freelance writer, I never thought I'd prefer any kind of math over anything reading/writing related; however, some questions on the SAT verbal section have made me think twice about that.

Some of the words on the test are ones that everyone should know and that are used in the business world often. But what is the use in being tested on ones that 99.9% of the population doesn't know? Let's let them concentrate on the words they really need to know to communicate effectively rather than words that make high school English teachers scratch their heads as they ponder a two blank sentence completion question in the vocabulary section.

January 22nd approaches. D-Day. So to my son and to all those other teens out there who will be taking the test next Saturday -- good luck -- I will be thinking of you and thanking God that I don't have to take it myself.