GUEST BLOG POST:Balancing Life and Parenting by Kira Wizner

Being a Responsible Parent and Carving Out a Life For Yourself:  It is Possible!

Imagine an old-fashioned counter-weight scale coming into balance.  It will dip on each side, back and forth, until you rearrange things and allow the scale to settle.

Most of us feel that our family is probably the most important thing in our lives.  It’s true.  Because it’s true, we often put our family responsibilities first, ahead of ourselves.  Our scales are not balanced.

Theoretically, we know why we need to bring a strong, complete self to parenthood, but let’s go over it again.  We are models for our children, and models for the people and parents that our children will become.  Want the best imitation of yourself?  Ask your child.  It will be uncanny.  Showing your child all the different things you do, and how you strive for balance, will also help your child strive for balance. 

Children hear (and repeat) what we say.  If you find yourself saying, “I’ve never left the kids with a babysitter,” or “I spend so much time taking care of everyone else, I don’t have time to do anything for myself,” kids will get those messages.  In order: “There is something wrong with babysitters/babysitting though I’m only a kid so I’m not quite sure what it is”; “You aren’t taking time for yourself even though you seem to know you need it, and I am one of the reasons why.”

A tired, stressed out mom is not a great mom.  If you are super honest with yourself, you know you are a better mom (and partner, daughter, friend) when you are rested and feel like the things that can be under control, actually are.

So, now we are reminded why we need to balance the scale. What specifically can we do to retain and regain that balance? 

This is a time to pull out some blank paper or a journal.  Go through your day, then your week.  What are the hardest times?  The times you feel the most tired or stressed?  What are the best times?  What do you want to do more of?  What do you want to do less of?  Once you have some ideas, work slowly to figure out what you need to make sure it can happen.

Retain all the balance you have—do you take a yoga class you love?  Or know you need to exercise at least twice a week?  For a long time I took a weekly yoga class with women I really connected with; when that didn’t work with my schedule, I started going to the gym twice a week, and after that, I switched to biking.  My goal?  To make sure I had time to exercise in the week.  Later, I realized I missed some of that connection I got at yoga, and looked for other ways to replace it.

Talk with your partner or a friend about the smallest move with the biggest payoff.  Can you hire someone to do something that is draining your time or energy?  Can you swap some household responsibilities with your partner?  Are there things your kids could be doing that you haven’t thought of?  Perhaps making breakfast is something your child could take on more easily than you’ve realized.

What is your time and inner peace worth?  You may find 2 or 3 hours of babysitting, for you to do anything (class, rest, coffee with a friend, reading) is a small fix that reaps big rewards.

Are you rushing to after school classes… can you cut some?  Or make a plan with another parent or caregiver who might be going to the same place?  It’s hard for many mothers (me!) to let another mom bring your child to an after school activity when I know how much I value that after school connection, and therein lies the “everything in moderation”.  It’s not every day after school, it might be once a week, or once every other week.  And our children will have valuable life experiences those days.  Reasonable versatility is a great skill to practice!

Do you use an online calendar that sends reminders to your phone?  Do you share that calendar with your partner, or your ex, or your caregiver or any other adult that helps?  This is one of the small moves that goes a long way.  And there are youtube videos with step-by-step instructions, so even if it’s not your thing, you can do it.

How are you taking care of you?  Schedule appointments, even with yourself!  Knowing you are going to take a salt bath, or do a body scrub, or sit with a coffee, reminds you that you are worth the gift of time and relaxation.  You need it.

Because, face it—we don’t really have any choice!  This is our life, now.  Every day you are going to get up and be your amazing self—so give yourself what you need to be that strong, vibrant mom!  Build yourself a sustainable model.  There is a big space between knowing something and actually doing it—things will shift when you make a shift. 

We can think of family life like a boat—if there are holes and water is coming in, you can get a bucket and bail it out—you can keep bailing indefinitely—you’ll be tired, you’ll have to take turns sleeping, but the boat will not sink.  Or, you could pull the boat back to shallow water, turn it over, let it dry, make some repairs, take the time to reinforce the weak parts, pack some extra patching material, maybe even a shiny glossy coat of paint, and then get back in the water.

Kira Wizner, M.S.T., is a mom of two and parent coach in New York City.  A former teacher and staff developer in the NYC public school system, she began an intense study in parenting and child development when she became a mother.  Her askyourfriendkira.com site features information on subjects from conception through parenting.  Her new teleclass, Your Family Map, addresses the burning issues moms often face and explores ten areas of modern life, from Family Harmony to Self Care, to Food, the Arts, Travel, Technology and more.  Participants will learn how to create a map of the family life they'd like to manifest, including a plan of action.

Kira is offering a complimentary preview call for this program on Wednesday, February 15th at 12 noon EST.  http://www.askyourfriendkira.com/registration-familymap-introductory-teleclass.

Learn more about the course here http://www.askyourfriendkira.com/your-family-map-i-friends-family, and Motherhood Later readers can use this page for enrollment for a special friends and family discount tuition.

It's About Numbers by Robin Gorman Newman

Tax season is upon us, and I’m not a happy camper.

My husband, a CPA, burns the midnight oil, including Saturdays, this time of year, and it’s not easy for any of us.

I feel for him.  And, for us.  Seth and I miss him when he’s not home, and don’t like to see him stressed and over extended.

We have much on our personal plates now, with my father in rehab (for a stroke), and Marc and I both getting PT (me for my injured knee), and Marc for his hips (in an effort to postpone the need for hip replacement).

What is it about numbers that can be so challenging?

My husband is great at them, though it often consumes his life.

My son, who is in third grade, is hugely challenged by mathematics.  And, when I spoke to a potential math tutor the other day, she commented how kids are introduced to math at a younger age, and really it's in fourth grade that kids are expected to do it.

I don't recall when I learned math as a kid, but it pains me to see Seth have such a hard time with it.  And, it impacts our home life by causing added stress.

The teacher claims he does okay in the classroom, but when it comes to homework, he says it's too hard.  She commented that kids often act differently with their parents.  No doubt that is true, but still, he knows he needs to do the homework, and that if he wants computer play time and television time, it has to get done. 

The homework battle is one many parents experience.  My friend Debbie and I were discussing it one day.  Her son is older, and she said she's sick of getting sick about his lack of motivation when it comes to homework.  She's read him the riot act, including explaining how he needs to step up to the plate if he wants to do well in school and get into a good college.  He acts indifferent. 

I'd hate for this to become a pattern with Seth.

What's a parent to do?
Should we hire a math tutor?  My concern is that it might feel like more pressure to Seth.
Kids do deserve downtime.
Is the homework just too much?

Children can't excel at everything even though it's expected of them.

Math wasn't my forte in school.  In fact, there were some mathematical subjects I despised.

To this day, I don't love even having to balance the check book.  In that sense, comes in handy that I married an accountant.  Though I wish there was some alternative to tax season.

There's gotta be a better way for him...and for my numbers-challenged son!

Past Lives by Robin Gorman Newman

Since my Las Vegas Adventures blog post re: our super fun spring break trip, life has taken a super challenging turn.

My senior dad had mjaor surgery just two days after our vacation.  I went from high to low in the flash of an eye, and on a daily basis since, have felt somewhat consumed with his health, mortality and staying on top of the hospital ...now rehab....situation.  I try not to dwell, but it's my nature to seek out some level of control.

My dad is a trooper and came through the surgery (hernia...not laproscopic) with flying colors, but the recovery will be painstaking, as I anticipated.  He's 92, and you don't bounce back overnight (no one does from surgery).

I observed his physical therapy session yesterday, and while the exercises weren't overly difficult, lifting a 3lb weight was hard for him.  He kept complaining  he was tired and weak, even when sitting in a chair.  Of course he is, given his age, surgery, and lack of a really good night sleep since the operation.  You never sleep all that well in a hospital or rehab facility.   There's activity 24/7.

I shared afterwards how I understand that exercise isn't easy (it's not supposed to be), but if he keeps complaining, the physical therapists (concerned about liability), will give him less and less, and he'll be helped less and less. To regain muscle strength, he needs to work them.

He recounts to everyone (whether they want to listen or not) how he played baseball and tennis, as if he's still in the shape he used to be. I said to him that we'd all like to turn back the clock and stay youthful forever, but just because he was fit doesn't mean he is now.  If he could think like the athlete he once was, he might forge ahead with a more competitive drive toward healing. He could even sample what it feels like to respond to someone "I'm coming along," when they ask how he's doing, as opposed to being negative.

Does it serve you to complain?  I asked. It doesn't make you feel better.  If you were to say to someone "I'm doing good...." even though you wish you were still better, you might actually feel a bit better.  Attitude goes hand 'n hand with healing.  You hear all the time stories about how people aren't expected to live and their sheer will keeps them going. We have the power to control our mindsets.

All this made me very aware of the downside of focusing on what once was.

As midlife mothers caught up in parenting and multi-tasking (a topic I address often), it's easy to think about how our lives used to be.

The jobs we used to have (if you're a stay at home mom).
The fun we used to have with friends (without arranging babysitting).
The spontaneous sex we used to have (not worrying about kids within earshot).
The self care we practiced regularly (without having to juggle scheduling for our kids)

etc....etc.

We chose to become mothers and handle all that comes with it (even if it wasn't fully anticipated). Most of us, I imagine, myself included, would not want to turn the clock back pre-motherhood.  Maybe for a day or two here and there.  But, we love our kids, and, they love us (even if they don't always show it).

So, if you think about it, living in the present is the best place to be, even if it means being age 40 or 50+.

When I take my son to visit my father in rehab, and he holds his hand to walk with him, it reminds me of when I used to hold my son's hand all the time when he was little, and how I imagine my dad held mine when he and my mom rasied me.  The tables have turned, and we are now the caretakers for my dad.  And, as hard as it is, I'm grateful to see the compassion my son exudes when we go to visit grandpa.  He loves to hear the stories of my dad as a star athlete, and for a short while, my father has a gleam in his eye and grin on his face, reminding me of the joy he had in his youth when he earned the nickname Flash Gorman (on the ballfield).

GUEST BLOG POST: I Want My Children to Succeed by Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D.

Moms unite around that shared dream.

Imagine the relief moms would feel if they could face their 18-year-old and say: I feel confident that you’re prepared to make decisions that will positively affect the course of your life.

That translates to:

My kid is okay. I did a good job!

Moms always dream big as we live in the trenches. And it’s in the trenches of everyday life that we help realize these big dreams.

Moms know:

• Children can’t learn effective decision-making skills overnight.

• Children need age-appropriate opportunities throughout their lives.

• Children need parents to create and support these opportunities in order to prepare them for independence.

Imagine living in an environment where you are told where you can go and places you must avoid; what you can eat; what friends you can see, and what time to go to bed. Children live much of the time in this kind of restricted world. How powerless they must feel: Everyone else is bigger, older and more imposing. No wonder they are fans of powerful super-heroes! If there’s something children can control—such as what to wear or what to eat for breakfast—they often guard that power jealously. If an adult tries to take that power away, well—that’s a recipe for conflict.

Clearly, parents must make decisions for their children, but we can still support them to steer their own lives as much as possible. We can offer them opportunities to make real decisions as often as is practical.

When toddlers want to exert their mastery by feeding themselves, we provide foods they can manage easily. When children or teens make suggestions for how to spend their time or money, we listen with an open mind and support their ideas when we can.

Yes, I’ll be glad to check out a gymnastics class for you.

For younger children, we can offer choices:

Do you want to wear your blue sweater or your green one?

As children get older, we can seek their input whenever possible:

These are summer camps I’ve researched. Let’s discuss them to see which one sounds most appealing? (vs. Here’s the camp you’re going to.)

When children feel respected, when they’re given choice in their lives, feelings of being powerless diminish; they see themselves as capable rather than as victims. They’re less likely to be angry and rebellious when they’re older. (If that doesn’t motivate us, nothing will!)

When my son was in middle school, he expressed that idea in a way that made me laugh—once I recovered from the shock:

I feel really out of it, Mom. All the kids bad-mouth their parents; they’re on their case all the time. But you’re always so reasonable. I don’t have a reason to rebel.

Think of a child who has felt controlled all of her life. When she approaches the teen years, with more time away from parental supervision, she may release her anger and “get back” at Mom and Dad. Of course, teens rebel and become manipulative for all sorts of reasons; but, their actions are less likely to be extreme when the teen has felt respected and empowered.
Parents often hesitate to trust their children: Finish your homework as soon as you come home. Then you can play. This suggestion may sound reasonable, but we know that children thrive on autonomy and trust. They often tune into their needs better than we do. Finishing work before playing might be best for some children; others might do better by unwinding after school and doing homework a little later.

Of course there are decisions we must make in our children’s interests, whether or not they agree. But more often than we think, it’s possible to give them a real voice in deciding. If a decision turns out badly, our children have an opportunity to learn by experiencing the consequences. And maturity is often the result.

With each decision, children become more capable, more able to make wise choices. Isn’t that what we want for them?



Ilene Val-Essen, Ph.D. is the author of Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Your Self. For the past 30 years, she has worked with families, children and teens as a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Culver City, California. Dr. Val-Essen is also the creator of the Quality Parenting program, which has been translated into several languages. Please visit her website at http://www.bringoutthebest.com/ to learn more about book and work.

Secret Parenting Thoughts by Robin Gorman Newman

This past weekend, Seth and I had tickets to see GAZILLION BUBBLE SHOW in NYC for the second time (you can read my show review later today....we loved it!).  

We were supposed to go with another mom and her son, but the night before they cancelled (I had an instinctual feeling things might not work out with them).  He had a stomach bug.  She hoped that we'd quickly be able to find others to join us.  Marc was working (tax season), so this was to be a mommy and me outing.

My effort to reach out to other families wasn't productive.  Too short notice.  This happened when I was at the gym finishing my workout.  My trainer, who I am friendly with, overheard the phone conversations, and much to my surprise, said she'd like to go.

She is divorced, living happily with her long term boyfriend (who she left her husband for), and raised two daughters who are now both in their 20s.  One is married; the other divorced.  This friend is a few years older than me and takes a strong "been there, done that" attitude when it comes to parenting at this stage of the game.  She has said more than once, when I've shared challenges re: Seth, that she forewarned me when we made the decision to become parents that it wasn't going to be easy.  And, she in fact, thought I was kinda "nutz" to embark on motherhood at age 42.  She was glad not to be in my new parenting shoes.

She was a young mother when her kids were young, and she left a teaching career that she had barely established, so didn't much miss.  She speaks often about being a "hot young mama" who chauffered her kids around, in between gym workouts -- a top priority in her life.  (No wonder at age 50+, her body is hard as a rock.)  She has also often discussed how, in her opinion, kids suck the life out of you and even into adulthood, they can still be challenging, and not necessarily grateful for what you have done and continue to do for them. 

None of this is the most pleasant to hear, but I've gotten used to it.  I recognize it as "her story," and hope that mine and Seth's will play out differently as the years go by.

When I bring Seth to the gym (granted he's young to be in a weight-lifting facility), she is never thrilled when he whips out mats to play and moves free weights around, though ultimately I make sure he puts everything back in place.  He acts safely and respects the equipment and knows his limits, or I certainly wouldn't take him.  But, she has often said that she doesn't know how I do it?  That he's "go, go, go", asks a million questions...and gives her a headache when he bounces the large rubber stomach crunch ball too many times.

So, when the show tickets became available, and she invited herself along, I was taken aback.  She had to know that meant spending the afternoon with Seth (and of course me too).  She assured us she wanted to come.

When I saw her at the gym two days later for my Monday session, she couldn't wait to talk about the fun we had and admitted that Seth demonstrated good behavior, and she didn't expect it.  He didn't demand that I buy him a souvenir.  He didn't have any kind of meltdown.  He sat in his seat, both on the train and in the theatre, and enjoyed both experiences.  When Marc (my husband) picked us up after the show and we had all planned to eat out in the city (things changed because we couldn't get a parking spot...way too much snow), she noted how Seth just rolled with the punches.

I told her with pride that "Seth is good company."  Sure, he's 7 and has his moments like any child,  but he's a nice, smart, compassionate, social kid (if I don't say so myself.).  She then said almost giddily that anytime Marc and I need a break or have plans, we are welcome to leave Seth with her and her boyfriend (who we know and like).

Not that we're rushing to do this.  We have our reliable babysitters (who we pay).  But, it was interesting to see her newfound enthusiasm toward Seth. She saw that even at a later parenting stage, kids, while work, can bring joy. And, despite the fact that she never raised a boy and was thrilled to have had girls, boys can be amusing in a different way. 

So, just as Laura (one of the motherhoodlater.com bloggers) wrote on Tuesday about the judgement that as parents we sometimes have for others parents, this experience taught me that it's also easy to judge other kids.  If they are different than ours, whether by sex, interest, temperament.....etc.....we might sit back and secretly be grateful that we're not parenting them (if they seem difficult).  Or perhaps even the opposite is true.  Maybe they seem more agreeable or fun than our own child, and you wish yours was more like them.

The point is that we're all individuals in this world.  We march to our own drum.  And, there are countless beats we might follow.  No one has a crystal ball to predict how their kids will turn out as adults.  But, if we lay positive groundwork now, including surrounding them with people who embrace them, they'll be all the better for it.  And, we can only hope that people, like my personal trainer friend, will not reach negative conclusions prematurely about our kids.  It's ultimately a loss for everyone.

Everything 'n Nothing by Robin Gorman Newman

I suggested some time back to Marc that it would be nice if he and Seth spent quality father-son time, just the two of them.  Life is so busy, and sometimes they seem like ships that pass in the night.  I wasn't implying  they go away. I thought just spending a dedicated afternoon together would be great.

To my surprise, Marc took it a step further and suggested they visit Great Wolf Lodge for two nights.  I thought it was a terrific idea, for more than one reason. 

We both knew that Seth would love it, and knowing that tax season is coming up and Marc will be missing in action for months working round the clock, time was of the essence for the two of them. Not to mention for me ....the weekend was to be my last hurrah, so to speak, before being consumed with motherhood when Marc works Saturdays.

With all this in mind, I was excited for them and looking forward to "me" time.  On the introspective side, I was hoping my alone time might lead to some self-discovery.  It's not often there is quiet in the house, and I can hear my own thoughts. On the flipside, I wanted to have fun.  While I had things in mind, I made no specific plans. My goal was to see what came up for me.  To live in the moment and make spontaneous, unscheduled choices. To be true to myself and trust my gut in terms of what I did or didn't want to do.

What I found was that I wanted to do everything 'n nothing

A friend said I should bust loose and let my hair down.  Go out on the town.

My single party days are long behind me.  And, sometimes that feels like another lifetime ago.  So, that would have been a fun option.  But, I wasn't being pulled in that direction.

Friday night, I went out locally with a mom friend to see Black Swan, which really spooked both of us.  In particular, it wasn't a great choice since it made me uncomfortable sleeping in the house alone, especially since there is a dangerous predator in my town.  So, to say I was unnerved, is an understatement.  We went out to eat afterwards, though the movie had left us with little appetite.

Saturday, I chose to chill with my cockatiel for part of the time.  Ordered in my fav food...Indian. Watched countless movies on cable. And, for some reason, for which I was grateful, the spirit moved me to do clearing in the house, especially in my bedroom and office.  So, I tackled a bunch of piles and files, feeling like I barely scratched the de-cluttering surface, but I made a dent that felt good.

Sunday, Marc and Seth came home early afternoon.  I had taken myself to see The Fighter, which I enjoyed, and we all had dinner out.

It was interesting the reaction I got from friends when I shared with them that I was a free agent for the weekend.  Shock and envy ranked high.  I could hear the wheels turning in their minds in terms of how they might spend "me" time.

The experience took me back to living in my parents house when many a weekend was spent relaxing in my room and deciding what to do for the weekend.  Life was simple.  I didn't own a home.  I wasn't a mom.  I didn't have pets.  Other than commuting to work in the city on a daily basis, going out with friends, dating, hitting the gym, going on vacation, life felt very safe and under control.  Sure, my future was uncertain, since I was not as yet married, and I yearned to know how my love life would ultimately play out, but I wasn't racing the clock, as I often feel I am now.

When Marc and Seth came home, I was grateful for their presence in my life.  There is something to be said for distance making the heart grow fonder.

It's so easy to fall into pragmatic roles in a family.  We each have tasks we undertake on a daily basis.  But, we're people with passions not just mommy or daddy machines programmed for peak parental performance.

So, allow yourself some "me" time if you're able.  Ask for it if you need to.  Offer it to your partner or spouse in return.

Think back to the person you were before parenthood.  She is still with you.....perhaps yearning to emerge.  Let her out.  It's an interesting exercise.  How does it make you feel about the present?  What do you want or what can you incorporate into your life as it exists today that you've been missing?

Get quiet.

A Quickie by Robin Gorman Newman

Sometimes a quickie is as good as it gets…..and it’s better than nothing.  And, I don't mean in the way you're thinking, though the notion certainly applies.

Whether a foot massage...

Phone chat with a close friend...

Overnight escape...

High intensity run...

Romp in the hay...

It can all feel pretty good, even if fleeting.  And, sometimes as multi-tasking moms, we have to be grateful for what we can squeeze in.

This topic arose for me this week when a friend emailed on Monday that she'd love to chat, and Seth was off from school (Martin Luther King Day), so I had no time for  much of anything other than engaging him.

My friend is single (no kids), so her time is always her own.  And, while she wrote that she understood, I felt she had a strong need to connect.

So, as I finally got out of the house....to head to the gym.....with Seth in tow...I decided to give my friend a call (on speaker cell phone) from the car.  I started off the chat by saying I was calling for a "quickie."  We could have gone on for hours, as we have done in the past, time-permitting.  But, that wasn't about to happen now so I wanted to let her know upfront.  It was good to hear her voice, at the very least. And, she got to share what was on her mind, so I was glad to be there.

It's so easy to feel that we can't do something because our schedule just doesn't permit.  And, then we feel bored or deprived or drained...or any multitude of not-positive emotions.  But, does it have to be that way?  Isn't something better than nothing?  OK....maybe not everything (a whole chocolate bar is better than a bite), but, it's something to consider.  It might satiate you more than you'd expect.

While I often yearn for a vacation, sometimes just an overnight someplace you enjoy can be rejuvenating.

Getting to the gym isn't always viable, but fitness experts will say that high intensity 10 minutes sprints can be beneficial.

Having a 60 minute foot massage, my favorite, is always a treat.  But, if I can't find the time, I'll go for a 30 minute session, or entice my husband to give me one....which would likely be around three minutes, but I'll take it.

My point is that we don't always have to think BIG.  Life is full and busy.....but you can find pockets of joy and carve out time for things that bring you pleasure....even if it's just for mere moments.  Our bodies and minds have muscle memory, so the positive vibes can last and remind you of what you're entitled to want and create in your life, even if caught up in the daily throes of demanding parenting.

This is a "quickie" blog, as it's been one of those weeks, but you get my gist. 

Take a look at your week ahead, and make a vow to work in some "quickie" ME time.  You'll be all the better for it, as will your family.

GUEST BLOG POST - Inviting Your Child's Anger In by Fran Walfish, Psy.D.

It’s happened to all of us. Your child melts down in a huge fit of anger and you don’t know what to do. If it happens in public, on top of your frustration you feel embarrassed and humiliated. You could instinctively lash back in anger, collapse into tears, or temporarily abandon your child by walking away for a few moments. What few parents know how to do is turn the anger into a positive. But, I have good news. I can help.

Over the years, I have seen many angry children in my office and have come up with a simple strategy that works. I call it 3-D Parenting. 3-D Parenting has three components: Discard the Defensive, Demonstrate Empathy with Words, and Directive Discipline with Boundaries. The main objective is for parents to become comfortable tolerating their child’s expression of direct anger.

Many parents find it hard to bear their kids powerful fury. But, staying connected during trying times creates stronger parent-child pathways and also requires tolerance. By employing these three key strategies, you will help your son or daughter stay open with you when they are filled with rage. 3-D Parenting also promotes respectful, friendly, courteous behavior in parents as examples, and in their children of any age. What more could you ask for?

So what are these three key strategies? I can best explain by telling you about a mom and her son that I treat in my office. At eight, Bobby is the oldest of three children. He is a very nice boy who continually sets his own emotional needs behind the needs of others. Also, as the oldest, his mother has higher expectations of him. Additionally, Bobby has a younger sibling with special needs and the youngest in this family just turned two.

When I first met Bobby I encountered a well-mannered, shy boy who found it hard to tell his mom anything critical, or to complain. He was angry because he felt he did not get enough of his mom’s attention; she was consumed with caring for the child with special needs and running after a toddler. While Bobby was not the type to have a meltdown, inside he really was one angry little boy who was on the brink of a huge explosion.

The good news is that Bobby’s mom, Gail, was pliable and open to coaching. Not all parents are. But Gail very much wanted to do the right thing and already felt her own guilt about not giving Bobby the same level of attention that she gave her other children. One of the first things Bobby said to Gail when we all sat down together was “I want some special time with you.”

I found it quite interesting that Gail’s initial response was to say, “But don’t you remember? We did that on Thursday.” Her response was an attempt to qualify in her mind and in Bobby’s eyes that she was a good mom, and it touches on the basic foundation for any parent: you must be self-aware. Being self-aware is a basic premise for parenting and I discuss this in depth in my book, The Self-Aware Parent (Palgrave).

The importance of self-awareness is this: If you are not aware of your internal thoughts and feelings as a parent, or of the specific buttons that trigger angry responses in you, any parenting model you try will backfire. So rather than thinking ahead and talking themself through angry times with the best interests of their child at the forefront of their mind, the unaware parent jumps to reactions imprinted into them by early life relationships with their own parents. This could include angry words in response to a child who screams, or tears of frustration when your child has a temper tantrum.

Gail was not yet a self-aware parent and her desire for validation showed this. Gail did not realize that Bobby was angry because he did not receive one-on-one attention every day. When I confronted her on this, Gail did not collapse into an emotional heap or abandon Bobby in a time out, but she did become defensive. Interestingly enough, discarding the defensive is the first of the three key steps in 3-D Parenting.

Discarding your defensive feelings and behavior creates an open environment from which you will parent. Most parents want to be liked (as well as loved) by their child, but as a parent, you should understand that your child will sometimes be angry at you––especially when you ask him to stop a behavior or do something he would rather not do. Claiming himself as a separate being with individual wants is a necessary part of your child’s development, and as you know, children sometimes do this with anger.

For many parents, acting without being defensive is a new way of functioning; it is a very different framework of belief. But it is important, because your child needs to feel accepted and embraced at all times, including when they feel and express their anger.

My first goal for you as a parent is for you to honestly examine how you act when your child is angry, and see if you have tendencies toward defensive behavior. Most of us do, myself included, and it is important to let that go. Steps two and three will give you better options to replace your defensiveness with.

Step two, demonstrating empathy with words, simply means narrating your child’s angry feelings back to them. It is a reflective listening and talking skill that allows you to explore your child’s anger with your eyes and ears, and then say it back with empathy.

For example, in the midst of a tantrum many parents refuse to accept their child’s opposition, and ignore it by turning away until the child is ready to behave. As a result, your child may think his or her feelings are not valid. Instead, acknowledge that you understand your child is upset by narrating verbally what your child is feeling. So rather than becoming defensive, you say with warmth, “I see you are angry with me, and I’m the kind of mom who really wants to hear about it right to my face. Tell me about why you are mad at me.”

I cannot stress how important the empathy part of this step is. For instance, with a young child you might say, “Mommy sees you are angry that you can’t have more play time with your red truck. You want more play time, but now it’s time for your bath and you got mad at Mommy. It’s hard to stop when you want more.” Being a container for your child’s anger will help him view you as a person he can confide in. It also establishes your place as a stable figure, one who will not attack, run, judge, blame, or collapse when the going gets rough. This is very important to convey to your child as he grows and faces larger issues.

Another key aspect here is that no resolution is required. All that is needed is that you hear your child. That in itself is reparative. All your son or daughter wants is to be understood and validated.

The final step is directive discipline with boundaries. Talking through a situation, as we did in step two, allows your child to feel heard. However, once he understands that you acknowledge and accept his displeasure, you must set the boundary and follow-through by taking action and directing your child toward his responsibility––and your command.

In this case, simply walk him into the bathroom and help him into the tub. It is not necessary to indulge him with other toys to compensate for his struggle in leaving the red truck behind. If your very young child becomes totally out of control, you can sit on the floor Indian style, with your child sitting down and wrapped in your arms in front of you, facing away, until the tantrum is over.

In my practice I work with many sophisticated parents just like you. But, what is most lacking is the lasting ingredient of motoring your child through his or her responsibility. You can talk all day long, but if you do not take the step of making sure that your child completes his responsibility, then you might as well talk to a brick wall.

Without directive discipline your angry child is likely to ignore you. He will think of you as a nice, but limp and ineffectual mom or dad. Instead, once you set a boundary, enforce it. Optimal parents also take a deep breath and think before speaking, so the boundary they set is appropriate and significant, but short in duration to motivate your child to keep trying.

It takes some practice, but you can learn to direct your child’s anger with clarity, kindness, empathy, and firmness. “I know how hard it is to leave your video to go take a bath so I’m going to help you. Here we go.”

In putting it all together it is good to remember a few things:

1. Your child is always allowed to be angry.

2. Be empathetic toward your child at how hard this moment is for him or her, for the angry feelings that are expressed are very real.

3. Follow through with praise for successfully completing this “hard-to-do” task.

It is possible that in praising your child, she might come back with something to the effect of “You made me.” Your response could then be, “Well, I helped you. And one day soon you’ll be able to do this all on your own.” These words give your child supportive confidence to work through her anger by herself.

Remember Bobby and Gail? I taught Gail these ideas to help them through their mild crisis. Specifically, I suggested that:

1. Gail encourage Bobby to complain to her directly. She needs to be self-aware enough to know that Bobby’s angry complaints are not attacks on her. Instead, they are situational and he needs to vent. “I know how frustrated you feel when you don’t understand your homework assignment. Why don’t you try your best and after snack time we’ll look at it together.”

2. Bobby should be able to go to his mom anytime and say he needs individual time with her. Gail then should follow up on that need, if not right then, at a designated and specified time that same day. “Mommy is busy making dinner right now, but after dinner you and I can walk around the block, hold hands, and be together while Daddy watches your brother and sister.”

3. Gail and Bobby should have a standing once a week date to go roller skating (an activity Bobby loves). Nothing should get in the way of this weekly activity and this should be alone time with just Gail and Bobby, and without his siblings.

4. Gail should ask Bobby at least once daily: “How are things for you?” Because Bobby accommodates and does not want to burden his mom, he does not share his angry feelings easily. He needs to be encouraged.

5. Bobby cannot pummel his brother or sister as a way to vent his anger. If he does, play time is automatically over for Bobby for the next three hours. It is important to structure discipline as stinging, but short lived. That way your child will be motivated to try again to achieve.

Few of us were reared with parents who said, “Come on, give it to me. I want to hear what you’re really feeling,” but that is a lot of what today’s parenting should be about. Add empathetic narration and boundaries with follow-through, and most of your work is done.

I realize it is a lot to remember. But the more you practice it, the sooner acknowledging your child’s anger will become second nature to you; and the faster your family will become happy, connected, and strong. My empathetic narration to you is, “I know you can do it.”

Dr. Fran Walfish is the top leading child and family psychotherapist and author in Beverly Hills, California. In addition to her thriving private practice, Dr. Walfish was on clinical staff in the Department of Child Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for 15 years. She was a school psychologist and recently completed her 4 year term as Chair of the Board of The Early Childhood Parenting Center founded at Cedars-Sinai, Los Angeles.

Dr. Walfish is a regular expert contributor to Parents magazine, Parents.com, NBC Nightly News with Brian Wiliams, The Dr. Phil Show, Parenting magazine, Parenting.com,  Family Circle magazine, Woman's Day magazine, etc.  Visit her website http://www.drfranwalfish.com/.  Dr. Fran's current book, The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building A Better Bond with Your Child, is represented by William Morris Endeavor Entertainment and published by Palgrave Macmillan. William Morris Endeavor and Lake Paradise Entertainment are collaborating with Dr. Walfish to produce a television series offering her therapeutic guidance and help to families in America.

Party in My Belly by Robin Gorman Newman

Seth said the cutest thing this week.

We had gone out for Indian food, and he loves the basmati rice.  After a few heaping spoonfuls, he gleefully declared,"it's like a party in my belly."

I loved his earnestness and delight.  And, I thought, how well put.

How simply and articulately kids often express things.  They are so in touch with how they feel. So in the moment and don't hesitate to share what's on their mind, for better for worse.

I'm not so good at that.  I don't always allow myself to feel as I do since I endeavor to be chipper, but I have my moods.

My perimenopausal hormones feel like they've been raging of late, and I'm feeling somewhat melancholy.

It doesn't help that winter is upon us, and here in NY, we've been socked with two major snowfalls thus far and more to come no doubt.  I have never been a winter lover, and I detest snow.  So, weather like this makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic.

While it was nice having Seth and Marc home from school and work on Wednesday, our snow day, it felt odd at the same time.  Seth was flitting from activity to activity, and Marc, in between shoveling, was trying to get work done.  He was home but quite preoccupied....almost like he wasn't here.  I spent most of my time trying to engage Seth and popping into my office for quick e-mail checks when I could squeeze one in.

So.... I asked myself....what is it I want?

When I'm home alone, as I am typically, I feel isolated.  But, here I was with my family present, and the day felt confusing to me.

When my hormones are running amuck, I am often at a loss, period.  I want to feel good physically and mentally, but my head is  foggy and I lack clarity.

I spent the afternoon yesterday writing at a friend's home, and that felt good.  It got me out of myself and out of my home setting.  Being alone a lot has never suited me.  Yet, the life of a creative soul can be a somewhat solitary one.  I can't help it that that's who I am, yet I do struggle with working alone.

As I write this blog, in fact, I am somewhat scattered with my thoughts.  And, it's been that kinda week.

I guess I'm entitled.  As a multi-taking mom, we're often doing so much that it's hard to think totally straight.

When Seth "moons" me and invites me to give his tush a bedtime squeeze, knowing it makes me happy (as he says), it reminds me that my "little butt boy" is getting bigger by the minute, and I try to savor these days.

We can't always be on top of our game. And, that's ok. While hard to admit, we're only human. And, not every day is sunny, but we moms tough it out. Our kids love us just the same, so we should endeavor to love ourselves, hormones and all.