Cyma Shapiro Chats with Jennifer Powell-Lunder, author, Teenage as a Second Language

Jennifer, I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to read your wonderful book. Although my children flank the teenage years, your book had so many wonderful suggestions for how to cut through the daily tensions that I aim to employ many of these techniques right now.

Q: Please tell me how you came to write this book.

 As a psychologist working with teens and their families on a daily basis a few things were clear: First, that all parents love their children and want to find a way to effectively communicate with them. Secondly, that teens, too, love their parents and want to have positive relationships with them. While teens are using seemingly the same words to communicate with their parents, it is the meaning of these words as well as the context that can result in misunderstanding. While I penned this book, it is really written by the hundreds of teen I have had the opportunity to talk with.  These teens translated their language for me.

Q: What kind of teenager were you? What did your parents do about it? Did your early experiences compel you to write this book?

As a teen I was often in the role of listening to the concerns and dilemma’s of my peers and friends and offering advice. I was a Peer Counselor in high School, In college, at the University of Virginia, I was very involved in the Big Brother Big Sister Program as a volunteer and a Program Coordinator.

I had very caring and supportive parents. We communicated well. They were firm but flexible. They were willing to listen to my point of view when I did not agree with their decisions. I guess you could say they modeled well for me.  Of course there were the typical teenage disagreements. I think what compelled me to write the book was my early experiences as a confidant and my advice- giving. I guess I was often in the role of a ‘mini psychologist.’ I wanted to help parents not only understand what their teens were saying, but offer them tools  to build better communication.

Q: I know that I’m often reactively angry in many situations, esp. when my children exhibit what I believe are disrespectful behaviors.  Your book consistently outlines calm, diplomatic methods for responding to retorts or when trying to break through certain behavior patterns. How can a parent come to terms with these types of emotions?

The first step is truly self-awareness. I always tell parents it is easy for me to sit in my chair in my office, but as a parent myself, I rely on my own mindfulness to practice what I preach. As a parent it is important to know when you need to take a moment away from a situation to collect your thoughts and emotions. This takes practice. If you are feeling so overwhelmed or upset by a particular situation, it is also often helpful to step back and ask the co-parent (if there is one) to step in. Kids learn most through observational learning. This is why if you react calmly you gain so much. Your teens are more prone to listen to what you have to say, and you teach them how they should communicate with you and others. Remember, ‘anger begets anger.’

Q: in many sections, you note that children’s responses are often the result of learned behaviors and daily family-interactions.  However, as the years pass, more and more children are diagnosed with ADD, OCD, ADHD and a host of other chemical imbalances which don’t often point directly back to the parents or the family.  What can a parent do if his/her child struggles with these issues, and parental responses don’t change the fundamental dynamics?

Structure and predictability are especially important for these teens.  This is because internally these kids struggle. Parents should work with their teens to develop a set of boundaries and limits, a.k.a: rules and consequences. The key is to work with your teens to help them feel empowered and own the process which I outline in the book. Consistency is also extremely important. You have to “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” The only person who can control our behavior is ourselves. When parents provide a reliable and consistent environment, they help to shape their children’s behaviors. Because parents may feel especially overwhelmed by their teens if they struggle with an attention or mood disorder, it is not uncommon to give in to demands in the moment to quell the emotional response. In the long run however, this can contribute to future conflicts.

Q:  As I often write, new older mothers grapple with many other external issues not endemic to younger mothers – peri-menopause, aging parents, blended stepfamilies. What specific advice do you have for these mothers when it comes to the additional challenge of dealing with teenagers and this age group?

I think older moms have time on their side. They have lived more of life and have access to a whole host of wisdom and experiences younger moms do not have. That being said, it is important to be mindful of any limitations and work around them. If for example, you feel that your frustration tolerance is lower, awareness will allow you to step back from a situation in order to avoid conflict. Regarding blended families it is important that both teens and parents have a clear understanding of roles (e.g. does a step-parent have the same authority to parent as the parent). Conflicts in these situations often arise when there is a lack of consistency regarding roles and no or inconsistent rules. Older parents can also create opportunities to connect with their teens on a different level. If for example, you are not as savvy or up to date with the latest social networking technology, learn from your teens. By allowing them to teach you, you not only empower them, you create an opportunity to spend valuable time with them which is sure to enhance your relationship.

Q: Sometimes I see  what I believe are “perfect kids” in a “perfect family.” Although many times appearances are not what they seem, sometimes these kids are, indeed, smart, well-balanced, emotionally sound, with inherently high self-esteem – all things which make growing pains more palatable. What do you attribute this to? What advice do you offer these types of emotionally balanced families who have a troubled teen?

In general, the world has become a more complicated place. This means that our teens are faced with a multitude of pressures and challenges. It goes without saying that no one is perfect. Adolescence is about the search for identity, trying on different roles. Teens face pressure and controversy no matter how well adjusted they present (themselves to be). As a parent, it is important to be involved , flexible, yet consistent. Research reflects the importance of monitoring your teens’ behaviors even if they are “good kids.” In fact, when teens believe they are being monitored they are less likely to engage in high risk behaviors. Permissive parenting is the style of parenting most associated with teens engaging in higher risk behaviors such as substance abuse and promiscuity. It is also important for parents to be aware of ‘red flag behaviors’ which may include: changes in sleep or eating habits, changes in outward appearances, changes in peer group (i.e. do you suddenly not have a clue with whom your teen is friends?), changes in academic performance and/or school attendance, lower motivation to do things previously enjoyed, etc. Sometimes these changes can be subtle at first. Go with your gut, if you feel something may be off, it probably it is. It is important to sit down with your teen and discuss your concerns in an interactive manner. Talk with them, not at them.

Q: In your chapter on “Independence,” you write the following, “In Teenage, the difference translates like this: You promote autonomy by encouraging your teens to negotiate the world at large. This entails providing structure, support and guidelines on how to proceed…You promote independence while you encourage your teens to negotiate the world on their own….Your teens are supported in trying new things and managing situations on their own. If your teens experience you are too controlling, blaming or even rejecting they are at higher risk for difficulties including alcohol and substance abuse, eating, disorders, etc.” This would be eye-opening to many Type-A women who have succeeded professionally through control and order. In reality, they are, like me, just trying to combine a successful career with successful older Mommyhood; trying to draw from past experiences when faced with an ever-changing new world. Can you speak about this dilemma?

Parenting is about balance. Too much or too little control can result in concerning consequences. It is important to parent in a firm yet flexible manner. You need to work with your teen. Most important, you need to stop and really listen to what they have to say. When you talk at them, they tend to shut down. You are your teen’s best role model. They learn most from what you do, not necessarily what you say. If you are a successful person, the lessons you are teaching your teen are invaluable. What you are alluding to above, is that I highlight the difference between promoting autonomy and independence. Autonomy is about encouraging your teens to step out of the nest but ensuring their understanding that you are there to provide support and guidance when needed. Independence, is defined as pushing them out of the nest. It is important to encourage autonomy first.  As parents we can not do it for them (although at times we may want to). If you consistently communicate with your teen and work together to set up limits and boundaries you provide the best opportunity for a strong communicative relationship with your teen. Sometimes they do need to fall in order to learn better how to fly. As parent, your role is to be there to catch them. If you fly for them, they will not learn how to do it themselves.

Q: So much of what you clearly and repeatedly identify through body language and nonverbal cues, with simplistic, clear directives on how to respond to these, would require us to relax and stop moving long enough to “catch” these many clues. Drawing from the question above, how can we be effective with this information if we, as parents, already feel we have too much on our plate(s)?

Ah, you answered your own question! Stop moving, stop multitasking! While you may be able to do several things at once, your teens do not see it that the way. I learned this from my own kids. Typing on the computer and talking with them, sends the message that I am not fully attending! A few moments of your undivided attention will not only provide you with the opportunity to pick up on these important nonverbal cues but, it will send your teens an invaluable message, you always have time for them no matter what!

Q: What do you think is the most common mistake parents make when dealing with teenagers?

Parenting to extremes,  too controlling or too permissive. Everything in moderation should be the mantra. 

Q: Finally, what is the single best advice you can offer families or parents with teenagers?

Two things: Focus on what you can do, not on what you can’t. Parenting is  about interaction not reaction

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Alisa Weinstein, author, Earn It, Learn It

“We are living in an era of entitlement, a term used to describe a strange malaise gripping many of our youth. Children from a surprising variety of socioeconomic groups, who have been given too much with little or no effort on their part, clearly feel they deserve to have what they want, when they want it. The symptoms of these “gimmies” are easy to recognize – the insatiable craving for more stuff while showing less appreciation, less interest, and less valuing for what they already have.” Forward by Linda Jessup for Earn It, Learn it by Alisa Weinstein.

Alisa, in my estimation, you have written a brilliant, iconoclastic book in a field already crowded with parenting books representing a huge variety of techniques intended to help parents raise healthy, happy and productive children. LOL! That sounds so unbelievably amazing and surreal coming from someone who isn’t my parents. J Sincerely, deeply—thank you so very, very much! In your case, you are exploring fairly unchartered territory: teaching children the value of money, work and time well spent.  Parents will identify strongly with your first paragraph describing your visit to Target, where your four-year-old needed to have the glittery lip balm on the shelf (despite having 13 more at home), and you finally realized that something needed to change in your family. Tell me more about this pivotal moment and the subsequent creation of your method called Earn My Keep.

A: I think what was most pivotal about that moment is that, initially, I didn’t realize how pivotal it was. All I knew was that my four-year-old had the “gimmies,” and in my exasperation, I told Mia to “Get a job and pay for the lip balm yourself!” At which point the concept just hit me: I was going to pay her for having a “real” career. Her first was market researcher—her choice, since that’s what Daddy does for a living. The two of them had so much fun together, surveying friends and family about their favorite ice cream. But it was immediately clear that so much more was also going on. Besides the fiscal introduction, Mia was practicing professional-level manners, she was creative problem-solving, she was learning words like “pie chart” and “follow-up question.” It was probably only three or four weeks later that I realized an entire program could be developed around the concept. Which led me to interviewing 49 professionals, and translating their everyday responsibilities into more than 950 kid-friendly tasks.

Q:  Your contention, that giving children an allowance hasn’t changed in the more than 100 years of existence gives pause for thought, and that earning money, especially for (or not for) basic household chores, offers little more than “change in the bank” and customary (annoying) groans of “Do I have to?” Can you say more about this?

A: When I unearthed the fact that today’s American parents are handling financial education the same way our great-grandparents did, I got chills. Has there really been no change in all this time? Parents either dole out money OR they pay for household chore completion. But giving children money for no effort misses out on an opportunity to teach more. And paying for chores sends the message that work isn’t fun. Plus, it’s not realistic—no one gets paid for making her own bed. But earning money for doing something that appeals to your own interests is exciting and motivating. It encourages kids to seek out a more personally fulfilling professional life. And it helps them learn that the work we do can be worth more than the numbers on a paycheck.

Q:   What does Earn My Keep offer parents that other philosophies might not?

A: The biggest difference is that Earn My Keep starts at the beginning of the financial process. Other philosophies start with what I call the Part II: what to do with money once it’s earned. But Earn My Keep starts with Part I: how adults earn money in the first place. This offers a much more well-rounded, full-circle picture of the process—one that helps kids connect with the efforts involved in working as much as they connect with the money they’ve earned. It also helps them appreciate how hard Mom and Dad work to support them financially!

And there’s other great things about the method, too (I say a lot of this in the book’s intro): Earn My Keep helps parents differentiate between things we do as productive family members (like making the bed and clearing the dishes) and things we do to pay our bills; it exposes kids to art, culture, creative thinking, manners, math and so much more—without kids even realizing it; it introduces a whole bunch of career opportunities and the idea that passion and job satisfaction exist—a major component to achieving a better quality of life in adulthood; it teaches children that we depend on each other to make the world work, and how accepting that responsibility can make the world a better place; and it gives parents that incredible feeling that comes from satisfying a child’s curiosity about the adult world.

Q:  You indicate that after employing this method, children are often more amenable to doing the more mundane tasks we undertake “(just) because we are members of the same family.” How does that happen?

A: It happens because kids learn to understand, and appreciate, the difference between work we do to earn money and work we do as members of the household. No question my kids need reminding to clean up their rooms and hang up their bath towels. But there’s such a deep comprehension of the difference between chores and work, I don’t mind the occasional nagging. Mia knows she’s one day going to be an adult, responsible for making her bed, and this is the time for her to practice doing it. Even if she doesn’t like it. J

Q:  Parents, esp. new older mothers, are beyond-stressed these days with two-parent working families, aging parents and shrinking budgets, just to name a few problems. How can they incorporate this philosophy easily into family life without feeling like this is one more task which needs to be accomplished?

A: I love, love, love this question because I sincerely feel that if I can do it, anyone can do it. The trick is to blend Earn My Keep into your life, not work your life around Earn My Keep. Another bonus: I use Earn My Keep as a way to check off a number of my parenting priorities in one fell swoop. To get this all done, I recommend doing lots of Level 1 tasks (these are the ones that take 15-20 minutes, use little/no supplies of any kind and can be done at the dinner table, bedtime, in the car, etc.).

A great example is when Mia did her Project Manager task by talking aloud with me as we were driving to a class (or was it a birthday party? or a doctor’s appointment? it all blends…). She had to create a plan for the Tooth Fairy, should every student in her class lose a tooth on the same night. How much time would she have in each house if she had to complete her round in an hour? (There’s math.) What about a Plan B if a window was stuck? (Creative problem solving!)

And I encourage parents (stressed or not) to rely on regular life goings-on for inspiration. Throwing a party? Have little Event Planners make and send out the invitations. Little Accountants could stay on top of the budget. Little Musicians could write and perform a song or two. Even little Dietitians could be responsible for giving a family-favorite recipe a healthy spin.

Q:  What age would you suggest starting this method?

A: Four, four, four and four. J It doesn’t have to be right at four. But that’s about the age you’ll notice kids recognize money exists, and that it’s what Mom and Dad use to satisfy needs and wants. Earn My Keep is comprehensive and flexible enough it can be utilized up to age 12, but the earlier we start, the more natural the kid’s relationship with money can be.

Q:  In a nutshell, please describe the process and the intended outcome?

 A: Super-simple. There’s 49 careers in the book (the 50^th is a Create-Your-Own). Families pick a career, and then a task from that career’s profile. The kid completes the task to the best of his ability on/before a pre-determined deadline. Then on Payday, he gets paid. That’s it! And what you’re looking for isn’t a professional-level product. What you want is to see is good old-fashioned effort. Follow-through. Completion of a process. Your Chef’s cookies could taste like tire rubber, but if he read the instructions all by himself, worked out the math, stirred, poured and watched the oven (all of which maybe for the very first time), your kid has absolutely earned his keep.

Q:  Can you further describe the 50 professions you present in the book?

A: The professions and the professionals behind them go hand-in-hand. I worked with the most wonderful, talented, generous, kind, passionate group of folks you could possibly imagine—all of whom donated countless hours to this project. There’s an eclectic mix of science (Astronomer), math (Banker), art (Curator), culture (Diplomat), social responsibility (Environmental Planner), technology (Transportation Engineer)—you name it—all selected with extreme purpose. I wanted there to be something attractive for every child, no matter her learning style or interests. And to have enough breadth within each career that any kid may discover something he never realized he enjoyed doing. And besides the more than 950 tasks, there’s fun facts, bios, interviews—truly, this is a wealth of information for everyone!

Q:  Where do you suggest parents find the professional “experts?”

A: Hee—open the book! J The Earn My Keep Experts poured their hearts and souls into every page. But if a parent wants to create a totally new career I include tips on where to find them. And sometimes the best place to look is in the mirror! Kids are so intrigued by what Mom and Dad do every day at work, starting with your own career is a terrific way to jump into the program.

Q:  How do you decide payment (amounts) and intervals?

A: Earn My Keep’s hallmark is its flexibility—parents are encouraged to mold the program to fit their values and lifestyle. So some parents may go whole-hog and do one career a week. Or maybe every two weeks, or month. Others may continue to pay their children for chores, but pay for Earn My Keep careers as “extras.” Because of this, I offer some ideas, but nothing is set in stone. Rule of thumb is to pay $1 for every year of age (so a seven-year-old would earn $7) or $1 for every year in school (so a second-grader would earn $2). I’m trying something new with Mia—when she turned seven she started earning $37.50. Yes, this bears some explanation. J I’ve been covering it in THE BIGGEST RAISE FOR A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD EVER: AN EARN MY KEEP e-NEWSLETTER SERIES. Intro is here: http://earnmykeep.com/thought-of-the-week/205-yes-i-pay-my-seven-year-old-37.50-a-week...

Q:  I have what I call “slouchy” kids – they slouch off every chance they can despite my unwillingness to let them do so.  In fact, I’d say that they both lack true passion about most things in their lives. What do you suggest for children who are not necessarily self-motivated or goal-oriented?

A: Self-motivation is a practiced skill—meaning, it’s not like we’re born knowing how to self-motivate. Or even wanting to self-motivate. Just like anything, the more we do it, the better we get. And I think the key to jump-starting this skill in children is, first, talking about it. Put a definition on “starting and finishing a project for the sake of getting it done.” Pick a low-key time to talk about a moment that you were self-motivated and/or a time you saw your child do the same. Then, broaden horizons. One of the aspects of Earn My Keep many folks find most exciting is the sheer breadth of potential career choices. Kids love pretending to be adults. Understanding that something they enjoy doing (being outdoors, participating in a sport, playing an instrument, baking with Grandma) could one day become a profession for which they get paid is such an eye-opener. It’s truly incredible how that role-playing (or, “real playing”) can spark self-motivation.

Q: You’ve undertaken this method with your daughter for several years, now. What is the most positive aspect of this program and what is the most negative?

A: LOL! The most positive aspect? We’d be here for days. J But if I had to narrow down, the most positive aspect is how it’s shaped her approach to life. It’s strengthened her ability to think creatively and collaboratively. To appreciate her own hard efforts. Not to mention the development of a healthy relationship with money. And the negative aspect? Hmmm. That one’s tougher because I’ve yet to come across a negative. I know some parents have difficulty starting, and sticking to any money program on a consistent basis. With Earn My Keep, I think it’s because they try to make it so BIG. But it doesn’t have to be. I encourage families to stick with the Level 1 tasks, play around with the system until they find the rhythm that works for them, and remember that it’s the little moments that add up over time. We’ve got years before we set our little ones out into the world. No need to try to teach everything at once! J

Alisa, I must confess: I’m so excited about this that I’m currently reading your book from cover to cover. LOL! I thought my editor and I were the only ones who did that. J I’ve also told a ton of friends about it. Despite our not being a materialistic family, our children suffer from feelings of massive entitlement.  I so hope this transform our family in the way I’ve envisioned. Thanks for sharing this with us. Oh, no – the pleasure is/was all mine. These were amazing questions—absolutely thrilled to have been given this opportunity!! J

Alisa T. Weinstein pours sixteen years of award-winning copywriting know-how into Earn My Keep, LLC, a multimedia initiative that includes the book and EarnMyKeep.com. With a degree in Journalism/Advertising from the University of Maryland, she uses her creative background to squeeze educational and engaging experiences into her active (read: typically crazy busy) life with her husband and two children. She can be found @ www.earnmykeep.com.

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Dr. Kalyani Gopal, author, "The Supportive Foster Parent: Be There For Me"

FACT: There are nearly 700,000 children in the foster care system. At any given time, 200,000 get to go back home. 408,000 remain with their foster families.


FACT: 1/3 of foster parents give up due to their own frustration


FACT: 40% of American children have insecure attachment. This rate doubles for children in foster care.


FACT: Failures in foster care are sometimes due to lack of knowledge and skills.


FACT: 16-25% of homeless children were funneled through the foster care system


FACT: Approximately 80% of those incarcerated have been in the foster care system.


Q: Dr. Gopal, your book seems to have struck an important chord in people, and filled an important need. What led you to write this book?

Thanks Cyma! Every day I see four to five new foster families and each day I seem to be repeating myself over and over again about the pitfalls and joys of foster parenting, the unique coping mechanisms and how to bond with someone else’s child. It dawned on me finally, that there was a dearth of adequate information about the nuts and bolts of foster parenting for new and current foster parents including those who are experienced foster parents. I felt in order to improve the lives of our foster children and prevent destabilization of good homes; we need to educate our foster parents, child care advocates, and administrators.

Q: Your book provides a myriad of factual tips for approaching this journey from many different angles. It appears as if this is an objective, nonemotional approach to a very emotional and often trying experience. Did you intend to write this in this manner?

Yes. Most foster parents are overwhelmed with the day to day drama and emotional issues these children present for no fault of their own. Foster parents usually do not have any time to read a book peaceably. So, this was written in a simple, factual, straightforward manner with the intent to address a myriad of issues in a plain speaking matter of fact approach. I have written the book the way I speak to foster parents every day! They appreciate the honesty and lack of bells and whistles to the issues of foster parenting.

Q: What one fact continuously strikes you when working with this group?

That foster parents do everything they can to bond with their foster child, but they do not realize that the child is going to resist the bonding because of the primary alliance with their biological parent. They take this rejection very personally and as a result feel unappreciated.

Q: What little known fact do you wish to inform/educate the public about?

A foster child is not just any child – she/he is very special in terms how they live their lives. Each night they go to bed not knowing if they will be returning to the same home after school the next day. Foster kids are picked up from school and transported to a brand new foster home with no warning or preparation. These anxieties are deep and the average child or family does not share this daily trauma.

Q: You place much emphasis on the impact and parenting skills of the parent. However, many parents, themselves, have hidden wounds that often emerge after parenting (esp. a difficult child) begins. What can you say to this group?

What a fabulous question. It was this very issue that kept me burning the midnight oil when I wrote this book. I have had foster moms break down and literally weep when a child says innocently that she/he is scared of their foster mother. They are devastated as they were either from abusive homes themselves and have opened their hearts and homes to this child. That is why I state at the very onset of the book that even if you open your home to welcome a child, that child does not want to be in your home. The attitudes towards their own biological mother and/or father are transferred to the foster parent, all of it and if the child was beaten and abused by their mother, they will be scared of their foster mother doing the same.

Q: Many new older mothers cannot successfully conceive, and are therefore looking into adopting or fostering children. What advice can you offer this group?

Definitely adopt a child. These foster kids are amazingly beautiful, once you have their trust. They are more loving, caring, and empathic than even a biological child can be due to their deep sense of gratitude. If they act out, it is only because of the unfairness of their lives, the sense of not worthy of being loved. So, certainly adopt and foster and shower them with love the way they can handle it not necessarily the way you wish to show it. The rewards are immense. Foster parents often are described as ordinary people doing extraordinary things. Be the extraordinary parent by fostering or adopting.

Q: In writing this book, what one overriding theme do you wish to convey?

Children who enter the foster care experience multiple changes in placement due to lack of knowledge on the part of foster parents with regard to how to parent these children. They cannot be parented the way we parent our biological children. So no matter how successful parents have been with their biological children, they can set themselves up for failure with foster children and fall first into confusion and then depression. This causes many family problems. This should not be happening. Foster parents armed with the knowledge in this book and others such as this one, should have all that they need to achieve success in foster parenting. Knowledge of what to expect and how to handle crisis situations is power, and I wanted to EMPOWER all foster/adoptive parents.

Thank you for your time. I intend to purchase this book for my dear, single 54-year-old-friend, who intends to become a foster mother for the very first time. She will appreciate this!

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Christine Pisera Naman, author of “Faces of Hope: Babies Born on 9/11” and “Faces of Hope, 10 Years Later”

Q: On 9/11, an estimated 10,000 children were born including your own son, Trevor. (Christine was 38 years old). I’m assuming that your experience formed the basis for your book. Please tell me more about this.

A: Having a baby on any day is a unique experience, having a baby on 9/11 was particularly unique. One does not often shed tears of sadness as well as tears of joy on the same day. But I did. Holding a new life in my arms was joyous. Watching our country being attacked was devastating. My own experience did form the basis for the books. I wanted to reach out to others who just might be feeling the same as I was.

Q: Can you share with us a little about the mechanics of compiling the book: how hard was it to find and interview your subjects (since they came from all 50 states)? Also, did you find regional differences in perceptions about 9/11? That is, the further from NYC you traveled, did greater observations prevail?

A: My method for compiling the books was extremely simple. I started with an internet search of baby announcements in newspapers throughout the U.S. Then simply found phone numbers and called, introduced myself then asked if they would be a part of my project of hope. I often say that remarkably, I made just about 50 phone calls to find the 50 babies. The reception from the parents was great. I found that people were pretty much equally touched by the tragedies of 9/11. Close and far it was heart breaking for all.


Q: As a mother of three children, how difficult/easy was it to present these babies in their glory – a group whose collective presence often represents new beginnings and, of course, the blank slate/freshness that only young children can provide?

A: It was easy to present the children with positive freshness and new hope. Just looking at their photos it is impossible to see anything else.

Q: In your original book, you frame the innocence of children around an event representing one of darkness or of the greatest evils of mankind. Please share some of your feelings around this dichotomy.

A: Without being political, I wanted to convey to America first & the world second that in spite of the great evil inflicted on our country that day, there was still a bright future ahead. A future that will be shaped by these beautiful innocent faces who glow with hope & optimism for a world that will see good. And that will happen through them, the representatives of a generation born on that awful day.

Q: One tragedy of death is that the deceased is often celebrated in a way that might not have happened in life. It appears as if this might be the case with Christina Taylor Green (your Colorado representative), the young girl who was killed in the shootings surrounding Gabrielle Gifford; a girl whose story of courage, hope and intent resonated around the world. Can you share some of your personal experiences with her and the message you might have taken away from her tragic passing?
 A: Christina represented Maryland in the book. Unfortunately, I did not have the privilege of knowing Christina personally but do know through talks with her mother that she was a truly remarkable little girl who did much good and made the world a better place in her short life. Senseless killing is impossible to make sense of.

Q: Having reconnected with these families and children 10 years later, how have their parents’ perceptions of that day changed? What is overall consensus of that date by the now 9 to 10 year olds?


A: I think like most people feel when they look back on 9/11 the parents can remember who they were with, what they were doing and how they felt. It is one of those days that feels like a long time ago then at the same time feels like just yesterday. Speaking with the parents, their perceptions seem to not have changed much. They remember the joy as well as the heartbreak they felt. As far as the children go, I think they have grown to feel a certain bit of responsibility to add goodness to our world because of the date of their birth. And that is what we as parents hope they will do.


Q: You were quoted as saying that “it’s impossible not to feel blessed when you hold a new life and new hope in your arms…I began to realize that my baby…had a very special purpose. (Regarding the other children) They were born to provide life, hope and goodness to a world on a day when it needed it most.” It’s obvious that your connection to motherhood has provided you with the impetus for many of your books. Can you discuss this further?

A: I always felt I needed to express my spirituality. Faces of Hope could obviously not have been planned, but when circumstances placed those two events together (the 9/11 attacks & the birth of Trevor), they acted like a catalyst and I felt the need to put together Faces of Hope. Had one event happened without the other, I am not sure I would have had the impetus to write it. Motherhood fed those emotional flames ignited by the attacks.


Q: How does being a midlife mother frame your perceptions of motherhood? How has it impacted your children?

A: I don’t really know how being a midlife mother frames my perceptions, hopefully being older and having a bit more life experience than younger moms helps me some. I feel that we become better mothers learning from prior experiences & making sure not to repeat “rookie” mistakes we may have made when we were younger & “greener”.


Q: Finally, what life lessons do you believe that mothers, and especially (new) older mothers, can take away from your books?


A: The only life lessons I hope anyone of any age will take from my books is to simply live life to the fullest, take what life gives you and find the hope in it all.

Christine Pisera Naman is an author, wife and mother. She lives in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania with her husband Peter and three children Jason, Natalie and Trevor. She enjoys eating out, window shopping, long walks and reading and writing. Her other works include Caterpillar Kisses, Christmas Lights and The Believers.

CYMA SHAPIRO CHATS WITH: Dr. Carl Pickhardt

Dr. Pickhardt, before I begin my questions regarding your book and the wonderful premise and theory behind it, I’d like to pick your brain and offer you some common (mis)conceptions regarding young adults who return to their parent’s home after years of independent living.

Let’s see what this line of questioning provides the reader:

1) Perhaps one of the greatest family “secrets” is the adult child who comes to live back home, and the parents who provide “excuses” for his/her doing so. Can you better explain this co-dependent existence?

Keeping an adult child's return home a "secret" makes it sound like a source of shame/blame/criticism/guilt -- for the child, for the parents, for who? How sad, adding all that painful and unnecessary emotional baggage to a healthy and normal event! About 40% of young people in their twenties, having not yet found or having lost their independent footing, spend some time living back home for a while, if they are fortunate enough to have loving parents able to lend a helping hand. Nothing is "wrong." Something is "right." Family is a support system that hopefully is available to all members when times of need arise -- just like aging parents will increasingly turn to their grown children for support and care. Rather than be ashamed, be grateful.

2) The current economy is producing an environment where recent grads can’t often financially make it on their own. Do you feel that this societal conundrum is promulgating a mass exodus to ones’ original household?

Certainly hard economic times make it harder to find and keep employment, particularly employment of the well paying kind. Low pay, however, does not keep young people who are determined to live independently from finding a way to do so, without traditional comforts and on the cheap. Those young people who cannot tolerate this lifestyle drop, and who have parents who are willing, do return home to continue enjoying the standard of living to which they have become accustomed growing up.

3) Today’s young adults believe that just following in their parent’s footsteps will produce much “fruit,” but often without much of the “labor.” This ideological belief causes many of them to fail, and return back home. What do you think?

Young people who have become accustomed to part-time work during high school and college tend to have a pretty realistic view of "labor" it takes to create the "fruit" of self-support. Those without any hardworking history of self-support, however, may find working hard for not very much pay not to their liking, and so return home for a while to ponder the work it's going to take to live independently.

Q: What prompted you to write a book about children who return back home after years of independence?

A: From counseling families over the years, I've seen a lot of empty nests get temporarily refilled when young people get into crisis and come back home to recover before trying independence again. I wrote this book to help parents understand that when their teenager graduates from high school, he or she does not enter young adulthood, but begins the last and hardest stage of adolescence, trial independence (ages 18 - 23,) The book is intended to be a primer for parents to help them understand the challenges of this final adolescent stage, extend their care and empower their returning son of daughter during an awkward time, when neither was expecting this family reunion. Now there this more growing up to do and much meaningful (mentoring) parenting that can be done.

Q: Children have always returned back to the nest having: recently graduated, lost a job, divorced, moved away, etc. Do you see this trend as increasing? If so, why?

A: To what degree this trend is increasing, I don't know, although census figures I seen reported do suggest more young people in their twenties are living (at least for a while) in the parental home. Why this is so may partly have to do with the rapidly changing society in which we live making it harder for young people today to find a stable independent footing than in earlier, simpler times.

Q: Parents of children who “fail” often feel personally responsible for their children’s failures. Through their own denial, these parents agree to take their children back home. Does the healing need to take place between the children and their parents, or within the parents, themselves?

A: Why treat return as a "failure?" All the boomerang means is that a first attempt at independence didn't result in catching hold, so the return is a chance to learn from the attempt, recover resolution, and get ready to try independence again. The only "failure" here is the failure of grown child and parents to gather positive energy instead of wasting it on pointless, and harmful, self-recrimination.

Q: What suggestions can you offer parents whose children are: broke, alone, jobless, homeless, purposeless other than to live back home?

A: When parents agree to accept a child's return to live at home, it has to be a conditional, working stay. There needs to be an agreed upon duration of return, agreed upon household terms, and agreed upon objectives to be accomplished. If a son or daughter is in no state to make or keep these commitments, then it may be best to provide some short term temporary financial support for separate lodging, perhaps arrange for some psychological help, continuing to provide committed parental love and faith, all in the hope that these may help the young person find a way to regain their independent footing.

Q: What positivity can be gained by taking a child back into one’s home?

A: A huge amount can be gained by a boomerang home. Most important, parents and older child can learn to live on mutual terms that set the stage for a constructive adult relationship in the years ahead. In addition, parents can learn to respect the right and responsibility of their child to make independent decisions, while the child comes to value the wisdom of life experience that parents have to offer. And in the best scenarios, both enjoy this unexpected extended time living together that they are not likely to ever have again.

Q: What tips can you offer parents and their children regarding this often tense living arrangement?

A: A lot of tension can be avoided when adequate setting of household terms and clarifying of expectations are done at the outset of the stay. If, however, the tension results from unresolved conflicts and unhealed hurt feelings, then this is the time to get some family counseling to work these issues through.

Q: Do you believe that it’s a parent’s “job” to take their young adult/children back into the home if it’s financially feasible?

A: I believe that having children is not a commitment that ends when they leave home, but is life long, and that works two ways: first the old caretake their young, then the young caretake their old.

Q: What do you say to (out of work, unemployed, financially troubled) parents who encourage their child to return back home, for the family’s greater financial gain?

A: Far better to ask your grown child for financial support directly than to indirectly engineer his or her living back with you so you can live off them.

Carl Pickhardt, PhD, and author, Boomerang Kids, is a psychologist in a private conseling practice. He received his BA and MD from Harvard, and his PhD from the University of Texas at Austin. He is a member of the American and Texas psychological associations. Dr. Pickhardt is married with four grown children and one grandchild.

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Author Donna Scrima-Black

Q: What was your inspiration for writing "MommyBest: 13 Inspirational Lessons Derek and Dylan's Moms (and maybe yours) Never Learned in School"?
A: I had two major inspirations: my two boys, my two joys! First and foremost, it’s my way of paying tribute to the greatest gifts ever bestowed upon me - giving birth in my mid-thirties to my first and then second son—18 months later. It’s also my way of shouting out to the world: “Hey, do you women out there feel the same as I do, blown away by the transformative journey you’ve taken into motherhood? What happens to the carefully laid-out itinerary for our lives once we have children? Like me, do you need to connect with other moms about traveling into these unchartered waters, often losing your way? Do you need some Cliffs Notes and a way to share your thoughts about discovering which choices make the most sense for you to live the life you and your family so desire? “

Q: What are some of the lessons you offer the readers?
A: The lessons found in MommyBest are designed for “everyday” moms and aspiring moms who are the real “Superstars” in changing the lives of those they touch! MommyBest was designed with the understanding that women have little time, so they can read the lessons in any order, whichever seems relevant at the time, and then use the Reader Reflection Page to jot down their own responses to one day use as a springboard, if they so choose, to create their own family story. The topics range from dealing with children growing-up so quickly, to parenting opposite children, the importance of moms’ friendships, to what it was like to be an identical twin to the importance of nurturing a child’s relationship with “Grandma.”

Q: You chart an interesting course from professional woman to CEO of your house. Can you describe this change?
A: Moving up the homemaker ladder of success takes time as it took time to climb the corporate ladder. In exchange for a business plan, you’ll be following a different set of guidelines orchestrating your Life plan—preparing for your greatest investment ever: your child. During the first few months of staying at home with my son, I was in overdrive. I set tangible goals including reading several books daily to him, in order to feel as if I was accomplishing some measurable level of success, as I had at my job. Although others were urging me to rest when my baby slept, I continued to run on autopilot. I was programmed to perform on an efficiency schedule at work, so I transferred that mindset to my motherhood role, even trying to bake homemade cookies for my guests who visited. In contrast to my job, I felt completely scattered in my homemaker role at first. There was no job description, paycheck or accolades from my boss/coworkers; no power lunches or even coffee breaks. In fact, I didn’t even know when to eat lunch and had very little social interaction. It took me a long time to learn how to simply enjoy the time with my son and celebrate the many intangible moments of play and wonder.

Q: What has been your greatest challenge and your greatest failure, as a mom?
A: My greatest challenge and failure as a mom has been taking time for my husband and I to nurture our own relationship, separate from the time we spend together as a family. Since we don’t have relatives close by, we don’t have a ready-made support system for us to schedule “alone time.” It’s been a long road for me to begin to trust others with my children, but now that my boys are older, I’m becoming more relaxed about it.

Q: You are also an identical twin - an experience that has shaped your view of the world. What advice would you give women raising twins/multiples?
A: First and foremost, treat your twins/multiples as separate siblings: nurture each sibling’s strengths and recognize what makes each unique and develop those skills. Celebrate their individuality by allowing each to choose clothes, hairstyles and more.

Q: What methods do you utilize to take care of yourself?
A: (Some of my) Methods include listening to music, walking and yoga. The music helps me connect my past, present and future because I became an avid lover of music when I was a toddler, listening and dreaming all my “big girl” dreams. Walking allows me to exercise my body and soul while yoga helps me to connect with my inner being. I also spend time with my childhood best friend who, no matter how old we become, we still feel as if we’re teenagers getting into mischief.

Q: What preconceived notion did you have prior to embarking on this new career, which is now clearly dispelled?
A: I never even thought motherhood was a career—and I never gave my own mother enough credit for all the hard work she performed and how she never once complained about anything she did for us. Since women have so many more opportunities today, I thought motherhood was something women should do--in addition to whatever else they were doing. I learned it’s the most challenging “career” there is and finding the unique balance in my own life of home and career is constantly changing as I evolve as a woman.

Q: As new older moms, the experience of raising children is often intermingled with caring for aging parents, combining successful careers, and maneuvering through a "new world." What methods have you used in charting your own course?
A: When we wait to have our children in our thirties or even our forties, as many of my friends have, we often have to chart the course of our lives and possibly change directions. My best strategy for dealing with balancing all of our lives, including dealing with aging parents, is to handle one piece of your life at a time. Otherwise I become overwhelmed and I don’t do anything well. I get quiet during an overwhelming period and assess, then prioritize what I need to do first. I also find talking with friends who are going through, or have gone through similar struggles, really helps.

Q: You talk about the "Birth of a New Mother" - a phrase which resonates with me and one that I clearly love for myself. Tell me what this means to you?
A: “The Birth of a Mom” is a phrase that I use to describe the moment when my son was born. A Mom was also born: ME! I never could have imagined that the instant I held him for the first time, he reached into the depths of my soul in a way that no one before had. An indescribable bond was created and my life was magically transformed. From that moment on, no matter what else I became, or did, I was Derek’s Mom-- and then Dylan’s Mom—above all else that I have or will do.

Q: What's the single most important lesson you'd like to share with other mothers?
A: The single most important lesson I would share with other moms is to trust your “mother’s instinct” in everything involving your children. It’s the most accurate compass out there, more powerful than all the so called “experts” who will advise you on ways to raise your children. Gather and listen to those who try to help. Take what works and leave the rest. This also applies to those who will tell you that you may be “too old” to raise children. When I was a young girl, I recall sharing how I wanted to be a “young mom.” Well, while I was in my twenties, I was too busy exploring my own life. I wasn’t ready for kids. Our lives are not cookie cutter images for us to follow. Each of us has a unique path to follow, regardless of those breadcrumbs our cartoon characters left for us to search for in a make believe world. Keep it real when it comes to your own motherhood journey.

Donna Scrima-Black is a former advertising executive and teacher with a Master's Degree from Fordham University. "MommyBest”...is a tribute to her sons and dedicated to all moms journeying through the joyful-sometimes-tumultuous-motherhood waters to create the best life for themselves and their families. Visit http://mommybestbook.com.

Cyma Chats with Samantha Parent Walravens, editor, TORN

1) In your new book, "Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood," you feature 47 women who have, at times, found ingenious ways to combine motherhood with a career. What compelled you to write this book?

The inspiration for TORN was a moment 10 years ago that I like to refer to as the “Box of Cheerios Incident.” I was working long hours at Silicon Valley SW company, with a two-year old at home and another baby on the way. My husband traveled quite a bit for his job and my family lived across the country, so I felt very alone and unsupported as a mother. Got home one night at 8 p.m. after a 12-hour day to find my husband and two-year old at the kitchen table, asking me what we were having for dinner. It was at that moment that my “inner Superwoman”—who thought she could DO IT ALL—snapped. I grabbed box of Cheerios, slammed on table, and told them to make their own dinner.

It was at this moment that I realized that I couldn’t DO IT ALL. I was raised in the 70’s and 80’s—post- Gloria Steinem—and women of my generation were told that we COULD DO IT ALL—pursue a career, get married, have kids, give back to the community by volunteering, and more. What our feminist foremothers didn’t tell us was that DOING IT ALL was a recipe for a nervous breakdown!

2) What is the single most common trait that these mothers share?

The women who wrote stories in TORN are college-educated and career-minded. That doesn’t mean that they are all affluent, by any means. Most of the women work out of economic necessity. Not all are still working, but they all had jobs at one time or another.

3) What is the single most common experience that these mothers share?

I’m not sure if I can pinpoint a common experience. I can, however, pinpoint a common feeling-- that of “mommy guilt.” There is a whole section in the book titled, “Got Guilt?” It's interesting how guilt is part of the female lexicon-- whether we work, stay at home, or do both. Why don’t we ever hear about “daddy guilt?” In one of the stories, “Moms Just Can’t Win,” the writer talks about the “S” word—“Should.” As women and mothers, we get so much unsolicited advice thrown at us about how we "should" raise our kids, how we "should" stay in shape, how we "should" feed our kids organic, unprocessed food, how we "should" find a healthy balance between work and family. All of the "shoulds" that bombard us every day are driving us mad!

4) With the increasing pace of technology and the often resultant isolation these women feel, what have you/they concluded about their seeking commonality/community among other women?

I wrote this book, in part, because hearing the stories of other women struggling to meet the demands of home and work life made me feel less alone. My hope is that the stories gathered in this book will benefit the thousands of mothers who struggle with the same concerns day in and day out. Many of us are too exhausted at the end of the day to find the time and energy to meet up with girlfriends to share our experiences, and many of us lack the opportunity to learn from one another’s efforts.

Knowing that WE ARE NOT ALONE when we cannot seem to handle a particularly difficult situation will go a long way in helping us avoid self-blame. Knowing when our expectations of ourselves—and others—are unrealistic will also help us to avoid feelings of self-doubt and frustration. And appreciating that there sometimes ARE no perfect solutions—that sometimes GOOD ENOUGH has just got to do—will offer us comfort.

5) Midlife mothers are, perhaps, in one of the most problematic situations. (Often) already immersed in very successful careers, motherhood becomes an even greater struggle given their own accomplishments, especially when combined with other external forces such as aging parents, perimenopause, etc. What do you suggest for and conclude about for this group?

Women who have children at a later age have often achieved a level of professional success and financial security that younger mothers have not, and, in many cases, are very ready to welcome a child into their lives. But older or younger, having a child rocks your world. Just the day-to-day tasks that you once took for granted-- sleeping, eating, showering, exercising, working—become difficult and sometimes impossible to accomplish when you have a tiny, helpless human being clinging to you for survival. On a more spiritual level, your visions and hopes for the future can be dramatically altered. You are no longer living for just YOU. Being responsible for the life of another human being makes you think about the things like global warming and the future of our planet, the chemicals and hormones that we put in our food, the safety of the water we drink, the federal deficit and the economic stability of our country. We want to leave the world a better place for our children to live in.

6) A reviewer noted that the women in your book need to balance the "need to nurture with the need to work." I love that thought. Can you speak further about this dilemma?

TORN is all about women speaking the truth about motherhood today. Sure, you can go ahead and keep telling all the women in your book group how beautiful your whole life is, but for me, it was time for a reality check. I didn’t realize that being a mother would make me feel so unsuccessful. I didn’t realize that motherhood would involve so many sacrifices. I didn’t know I’d lose control. I didn’t know the skills I honed at work would not be transferable or, worse, would be transferable in really unappealing ways. As one mom told me, “I was on an important conference call one day when I watched my two-year old—through glass doors—paint the white dining room furniture RED. When my husband asked me later on what had happened to our beautiful dining room set, I told him I was just ‘multitasking.’

Women need to get real with each other and admit that: 1)Motherhood is really, really hard; 2) No one does it perfectly and, 3) There IS no real balance when it comes to kids and career.

Just when you think you’ve figured it out and life is rolling along smoothly, something WILL happen to throw you off balance.

7) It appears as if many of these high-powered women, who are accustomed to success, must often restructure their thought-processes and often accept defeat -- that is, the realization that they just can't “do it all," or "do it all well." What are your own personal thoughts about this?

Sure, you can go ahead and keep telling all the women in your book group how beautiful your whole life is, but for me, it was time for a reality check. I didn’t realize that being a mother would make me feel so unsuccessful. I didn’t realize that motherhood would involve so many sacrifices. I didn’t know I’d lose control. I didn’t know the skills I honed at work would not be transferable or, worse, would be transferable in really unappealing ways. As one mom told me, “I was on an important conference call one day when I watched my two-year old—through glass doors—paint the white dining room furniture RED. When my husband asked me later on what had happened to our beautiful dining room set, I told him I was just ‘multitasking.’

The illusion that often clouds our vision is that other women are doing it better. Other women are getting it right. They are managing to have it all, with energy and spirit to spare. Yet the very fact that this illusion exists does a great disservice to the majority of us who are striving to get it right and just can’t figure out how the heck to do it.

And that’s why I wrote this book. When I reached out to other women to find out how they were managing the demands of family and career, I received a passionate response from so many of them, who told me, in their own inscrutable words—“WE ARE NOT DOING IT ALL! And who the heck ever told us that we should be doing it all in the first place?” That’s not liberation. It’s hell!

8) As the mother of four children, you must have experienced much of what was written. How did writing this book help you in your personal search for answers?

I wish I could tell you that I've discovered the "magic elixir" for achieving balance in my life, but alas, balance is an elusive dream. I remind myself to "let go" and not seek perfection in all that I do. My kids will be fine if they don't eat an organic, made-from-scratch meal every night. My house doesn't have to look "guest ready" at every moment. I try to compartmentalize my work-- since I work from home-- and work from 9-3 when the kids are in school. That is where I fail most. I call my iPhone my "5th appendage." I have a hard time putting it down and not constantly checking emails. Lastly, my husband and I try to go on "date night" once a week. Keeping your marriage intact through the craziness of kids and career is tough.

9) What single piece of advice would you give new midlife mothers regarding combining careers with the desire for new older motherhood?

JUST LET GO.

If there is one message you can take away from this book, it’s that THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO DO motherhood. Women need to stop judging each other for the choices others make—and stop judging ourselves. We are our own worst enemy. The women who are the happiest are the ones who delete the SHOULD word (I call it the S word) from their vocabulary, and do what is best for them and their family. Also—the issue of work-life balance is not just a women’s issue. Until men take part in the conversation, change won’t happen.

Samantha Parent Walravens is an award-winning journalist, writer and mother of four children. She started her writing career as an editor for PC World magazine, where she covered business and technology, and launched the magazine’s first web site, PC World Online. She left journalism to chase the “Internet dream” in the mid-1990s, helping to grow a small Silicon Valley software start-up into a multi-million dollar public company. She has since returned to her true passion, writing, and has authored articles on topics including politics, business, lifestyle and women’s issues. TORN: True Stories of Kids, Career &the Conflict of Modern Motherhood is her first book. Samantha is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Princeton University and has a Masters in Literature and Women’s Studies from the University of Virginia. She can be found at http://samanthawalravens.com/main.