Our First Funeral....by Liimu

Because there's not much to report on the pregnancy front (Week 30 - passed glucose test - time is crawling to what seems like a standstill...), I thought I would share a more relevant experience from our family files. The tragic event that has left us planning our first family funeral.

My daughter, Devon, got a fish for her birthday. She named him Finn. We noticed a few days back that he seemed to be molting or something, because his scales were falling off in spots. I didn't know what the trouble was and neither did she, but it certainly got us into a state of high alert.

This morning, she came running into my bathroom saying she couldn't find him. She was already in tears. Sure enough, when I went into look myself, I couldn't find him anywhere. The filter was louder than normal and the girls were asking me about some loud "bump, bump, bump" sound they had heard last night as they were going to bed, but honestly, I didn't see the connection.

I took everything out of the fishtank, and although the water and filter were both unbelievably cloudy (considering yesterday they had been relatively clear), still no fish. Finally, I decided to turn off the filter because the racket it was making was making it hard for me to think. It was then, that I realized what had happened.

Finn was in the filter.

My daughter was already in tears, but this really put her over the edge. In fact, by this point, all three girls were sobbing. (My 4-year old was trying to console her older sister, telling her that "Finn would be back." I had to correct her on that point.) All I could do was assure Devon that I would go back to the pet store and ask them to explain how this could happen with a filtration tank they had convinced me to buy. It was a tragic accident, but certainly one we wouldn't want to repeat with the new fish (whom Devon has decided will also be named Finn, in honor of his predecessor).

By the time everyone was in coats and mittens and ready to head off to school, eyes were dry all around, though Devon did want to make sure we would have a funeral for Finn. We will, and in some ways I am grateful for this opportunity to introduce them to some important lessons related to death, grieving, and the fact that accidents happen, sometimes tragic ones, but it's not anyone's fault and the best we can do is grieve and move on. I told my daughter, if one of the cats managed to get out and ran in the street and accidentally got hit by a car, it would be the same thing: a tragic accident, but not necessarily one that could be avoided. It's one of the risks of loving something or someone - that one way or another they may leave us. That doesn't mean it's not a risk worth taking.

Finn will be missed. And we will never, any of us, forget this morning and the tragic way in which he passed. (No, I'm not kidding - it really WAS sad.) But as a parent, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to help my children face and move through even the most difficult parts of life. I just hope we can find a way to block off that filter so we don't have to face this particular life lesson any time again soon.

If I Wanted to be a Single Mom... - by Cara

I’m having a hard time thinking of how I would complete that sentence. I have been finding myself playing the role of “married, single Mom” now more and more.

I adore my son...I would give up my life for him. I truly put my own needs aside to meet his. But when my husband and I discussed having a child, we knew that there might be some complications both during pregnancy and afterwards. I have a chronic pain condition that rears it’s ugly head every so often. I felt confident that I would have a partner who would be able to chip in when I wasn’t feeling my best. And through the years I accumulated more medical conditions. But still, I felt that I had someone to help “carry the load,” especially with the addition of two dogs.

But now I feel completely drained. It could be my hypothyroidism, but I don’t think it is. I am drained of being the resource for a very needy child. My son needs his “emotional tank” filled to the brim every day. I am drained of his continuous high energy, and schlepping him from place to place to burn off that energy.

I am drained of two wonderful dogs that are a real part of our family. But their needs are rising as they are getting on in age. And two fish that are relatively maintenance free, but do need to be fed and have their tanks cleaned regularly.

I no longer have that partner who made a promise to me that he would be there for me if raising a child were too much for me to handle on certain days. I feel cheated. And at the same time I admire all of the amazing single Moms who willingly chose to become single Moms. My best friend is a single Mom. She always sounds frazzled. She also schleps her son from one activity to another. And she also has an aging dog. I continually wonder how she does it. She DOES have her parents to chip in when she needs a break. And a slew of close friends who are more than willing to watch her son when she needs time for herself. I have none of that. Which makes me even more resentful that my husband is bailing out of his promise to me.

So I have to ask myself: If I wanted to voluntarily be a Single Mom, under my same medical circumstances and lack of resources to help out when I need a break, would I still want to be a one? I honestly don’t know. I can’t imagine life without my son. But I feel as if I am getting older exponentially at the same time.

My son is getting more mature and is taking on more responsibility. In a few years, he won’t want to even acknowledge that I even exist! And I desperately want to see him mature into an adult. But right now he is so sensitive that he needs to know my every move, my every step. I guess instead of wondering, “what if,” I should slow down and try to capture each small moment with him.

He lost his third baby tooth a few days ago. And since my husband was on a business trip, I thought that the excitement of losing his tooth (at the Bronx Zoo of all places!) would be diminished without his father here. It wasn’t. At all. He squealed with excitement at what the Tooth Fairy brought him. His Tooth Fairy is named Nute and is a Surfer Dude. We sent an e-mail to Nute, apprising him of the situation! And that whole night was filled with excitement, even as drained as I was from the day!

I guess I can now assuredly place an ending onto my opening sentence. If I wanted to be a Single Mom, I would definitely want to be one! Gladly! Otherwise, I would go through life with regrets. And that’s the last thing I want. And this childhood phase is passing so quickly! I better hold on with two hands, because I am going to be going on the ride of my life! Together, with my beautiful son! Being the best Single Mom I can be!