Is it Okay to Lie to Your Child? - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

My husband and I have to break the news to my son that we are getting a divorce. Since my husband still refuses to disclose to anyone why he wants a divorce, we had to go to a Pediatric Psychologist to see how we could go about telling our son. After a migraine, round-about conversation, it was concluded by the Psychologist that we basically have to lie to our son. Lie. Lie about something that is going to greatly impact my son's entire life. This does NOT sit well with me.

I have never lied to my son about anything that was significant. I may have left out what I thought would be confusing to him and allowed him to ask questions until the information I presented made sense. But I have never outright lied to him.  

When I inquired about this from my son's Law Guardian, I received, a curt, unconcerned response stating that she was not a Child Psychologist and that if that was what the Child Psychologist felt was in my son's best interest, then we should oblige with what the Child Psychologist recommends. I got the feeling from her that she wanted to hurry up and get this done with already. As I've said before, courts are not very considerate nor empathetic. Everyone has an agenda.

I decided to refer to the divorce books I have to get some other perspectives. "Divorce for Dummies," by John Ventura, Esq. and Mary Reed states, "Be honest with your children about why you're getting divorced, but don't reveal too much. Then give them the opportunity to ask questions. "Your Divorce Advisor," by Diana Mercer, J.D. and Marsha, Kline Pruett, Ph.D., M.S.L., concurs, "Do not lie. It will come back to haunt you. Also, do not give them more information than they are ready to hear."

Then why are we planning to lie to our child?? Because it would take too long to get the real reason out of my husband, if at all? Because courts are on a "schedule" and we should just "move along" with things?? Don't they realize that in a couple years my son is going to realize that he was lied to and is going to be exceedingly angry and resentful?? Who the hell is this really benefitting? My husband, the coward? It definitely is not going to benefit my son. My son will eventually realize once my husband moves out, it is my husband who didn't want to stay in our family. It is certainly not benefitting me. I'm just as dazed and confused as I've been over the past two years. At best it is benefitting the court system.

If courts are supposedly trying to do what is in the best interest of the child, where does lying fall into the child's best interest? No one seems to care. If they did, they would mandate my husband to find a way to come clean with what ever he is covering up and allow us as two adults to find a way to break the news of divorce in a neutral, and mutual way. The way the Child Psychologist is suggesting we tell our child makes me boil with rage. It makes me even more angry at my husband and also at the court "system." How dare I be put into a position where I am "forced" to tell my son something that is completely untrue! No, I do NOT still love my husband!! And no Mommy and Daddy are NOT in agreement of our family breaking apart!! These are both absolute lies! And don't you think my son is going to sense my facade of "joy" once my husband leaves. He is an intelligent boy. He is also very sensitive. He his going to pick up on these issues immediately. Heck, even the dog has been depressed lately.

So here I am. In a predicament that goes against every cell of my body. I have decided to try to see whether my husband will agree to telling our son, in our own home, that firstly, our son is our world. Both of us love him to pieces and will both be there for him no matter what. We can then say that sometimes Mommies and Daddies, who care about one another, just can't live together. We will then answer any and all questions he may have. If my husband refuses, I will have my husband speak on both of our behalves at the Psychologist's. I will try to acknowledge as little as possible without upsetting my son. And I know my son will bury himself in my arms for comfort. At least I will be exceedingly genuine in my comforting of him.

And who will comfort me? This is a loss for me too. I have exceptional therapists who I can call the minute I am able. They will comfort me and help me through all of my conflicting and hurtful emotions. In turn, I will be there for my son. I am truly the only one he comes to when he needs someone to confide in. I will answer whatever questions he has as truthfully and with as much love and compassion that I can. 

I will get through this. No matter how painful. No matter how unfair. No matter how distasteful. I will get through this as I've done in the past. And I am the best role model to show how my son can get through this also.

It's just a shame that the court system sees innocent children as part of a file, rather than the delicate victims of unfortunate situations that they are.

Discovering a Piece of the Puzzle - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

It has been a while since I updated our readers on my still pending divorce. I found, by happenstance, a very interesting piece of information that may help me to understand the “I don’t know,” I’ve always received as an answer when I asked my husband why he doesn’t even want to try to work on mending our family. I think I found the answer. Or, at least part of the answer.

Months ago, I chalked up his, “I don’t know,” responses as him just being, “not that into you.” I believe I even wrote a blog about it. Yet, it still weighed heavily on my mind because I just couldn’t understand how you could love someone with all your heart for 20 years, and then just, “not be into you.” It made absolutely no sense at all to me.

I was asked to write a short article on ADD/ADHD children and their relationships with their Grandparents. Interestingly, I found four fairly decent articles, but I continued my search to see whether I could unearth something additional to refer to. I came across an article that had absolutely nothing to do with ADD children and their Grandparents, but the title of the article struck me. I tried to move on but couldn’t. This article was begging to be read.

The title of the article was, “I’m OK - You’re Not!” written by Melissa Orlov from Additude Magazine. Very fitting title for my circumstance. I was already aware of Ms. Orlov’s interest in ADHD, as I purchased one of the books she had written, but never read. I quickly skimmed the introduction, paying more attention to the main categories. Halfway through the article, I stopped in my tracks. The title of this category was, “The Hyperfocus Courtship.” For those of you who are unaware of hyperfocusing in an ADD/ADHD person, the individual’s brain chemistry continues to keep firing until a certain task is completed. Thus, the person gives 100% attention to that task until the person is satisfied with the outcome. I have seen it many times with my son. If he hyperfocuses on schoolwork, that’s very positive. If he comes to me at 9:30pm and wants me to help him write a “book,” this is undesirable hyperfocusing because my son needs to go to bed. It is pointless to argue with a hyperfocusing person. You just elicit more power struggles. So I just said, “Mommy is tired and has to go to bed. Please consider trying to work on your project tomorrow morning.” He fell asleep on his “book” at 11:30pm. He actually brought about his own consequence. He was very tired the next day. This is just an example of an ADD person hyperfocusing on a task or project. I never knew that a person could hyperfocus on a relationship, though. Here is where Ms. Orlov’s words hit home:

“The biggest shock to ADHD relationships comes with the transition from courtship to marriage. Typically, a person with ADHD hyperfocuses on his partner in the early stages of a relationship. He makes her feel she is the center of his world. When the hyperfocus stops, the relationship changes dramatically.” The center of his world. How many times had I said those exact words to my therapists when describing my early relationship with my husband? The center of his world. I read her words over and over. Ms. Orlov hit the nail right on the head...mine to be exact! I was stunned by this revelation, but it also made so much sense. I needed to pass it by my therapy professionals to get their perspectives.

My ADD therapist thought that I found my answer. She said, when a partner’s hyperfocus shuts off, the non-ADHD spouse is left bewildered. And if counseling isn’t sought immediately, the relationship is almost assuredly doomed. I asked her whether my husband’s hyperfocus of me could have lasted so many years. She replied that it was not common, but it could certainly be found. She told me she felt that I was probably the very unfortunate victim of a hyperfocusing partner whose brain chemicals just stopped firing. That is probably why my husband “doesn’t know” why he doesn’t want a relationship with me. He is in denial that he even has ADHD, so he wouldn’t know of nor understand his hyperfocusing of me and now the lack of it. The other therapy professionals agreed.

So there you have it. I am a victim of ADHD hyperfocus burnout. I suppose it is not much different than having been in a relationship with a partner who was in denial about their manic/depressive disorder or alcoholism or other myriad psychological disorders. I am in just an extremely unfortunate circumstance.

The good news is for my son. He already has an ADD diagnosis. He will learn coping strategies and techniques to work through and around his hyperfocus episodes. He will be able to identify when he hyperfocuses. He will have me to guide him through his younger years and help him figure out what to do in various situations. And because I know all of the tell-tail signs, I can gently discuss them with him and coach him through. With a blessing and a kiss, I pray he never finds himself or his family in the situation we are currently facing. Once is more than enough.