The Saddest Day - by Cara

I made probably the most difficult decision of my entire life recently. To end my marriage. Making this decision was so difficult that the only situation I can compare it to would be having a loved one in the hospital and having to be the one to make the decision to have them taken off life support. This decision was immensely heart wrenching, but it had to be done.

My husband is looking for the least expensive way to end our marriage and provide support. Because I have to look out for the needs of both my son as well as myself, I couldn’t afford to go the least expensive route. I chose to go through the much more grueling, difficult way. But it had to be done for the sake of my son and myself.

I also had to do it because my husband and I don’t have any semblance of life together anymore. And I grieve and hurt over this just about every single day. I have tried so hard to keep our family intact. My husband, however, keeps pulling farther and farther away. He has absolutely no interest in rectifying our marriage or family.

My own health has deteriorated significantly as well. I’ve lost 60 pounds due to stress induced irritable bowel syndrome. I can hardly eat liquids at this point and keep them in my digestive tract. My doctors have had to increase my anti-anxiety meds to a point where I think my brain is going to implode. I am weak, often dehydrated, often dizzy, and almost always nauseous. My body cannot afford to go on like this. Especially crying myself to sleep every night. I had to “pull the plug.” For the sake of my own health.

My biggest fear, besides my health, is my son. He will be devastated. And I am sure that this will impact his schooling. Since my husband is hardly around anyway, I constantly reassure my son that I will always be here for him. And I will never leave him, no matter what. He will forever be my number one priority. As it is now, we have established our own comfortable routine together. At least that will remain consistent for him.

The most difficult part of all will be telling our son that Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. I’ve been reading up on how to tell a young child that his parents will be divorcing. The most important emphasis from everything I’ve read is that both parents need to remain calm and unemotional when discussing a divorce with a child. I absolutely don’t think I can do it. I get teary-eyed just thinking of telling our son. But I want to hear what my husband says to our son, so I have to be present. I’m just going to have to take a few xanaxes before we sit down with him and try to hold back the tears. I honestly don’t know how I am going to get through it.

My husband and I had a child because we wanted to share the love we had for each other exponentially towards our child. The love for our child hasn’t changed, but I still continue to wonder where the love my husband and I had for each other went. And I still don’t understand how you can know a person intimately for 20 years and be married for 15 years, and have that love dissipate practically overnight. I guess I never will know the answer.

All I ever wanted was a happy little family who enjoyed spending time with one another and enjoying life’s experiences together. From last week’s blog, you could tell that I experienced my son’s first camping trip second hand, through texts and photos sent from my husband. And when my son and I leave for the Bahamas tomorrow, my husband will have to live our cruise experience, along with a stop at Disney on the way back, through scattered phone calls and shared photos. It is so utterly sad.

When my husband received the divorce letter, he was visibly shaken and shocked. Since then, however, he has failed to discuss it. All he said about the letter was, “I don’t know what to say.” I thought to myself, “For an intelligent man, you don’t seem to know much about anything concerning our relationship.” He is acting more and more like a bachelor, is giving up more and more time that he could be spending with his son, instead choosing to spend it with his friends or doing a physical activity. It is beyond sad. For my birthday, he gave me a gift, “from my son,” which was completely self-serving and did not take my son nor I into consideration at all. He had a bike race to go to this past Saturday with a barbecue to go to afterwards. He gave me tickets to go to see the play, The Lion King, at a theater in New York City. He specifically chose the day of his bike race as the date for the tickets, so that my son and I would be occupied. Firstly, my son hates the Lion King movie. I have offered to watch it with him over the years, and as soon as it starts, my son starts screaming, “Turn it off! Turn it off!” Why would I take my son to a play when he won’t even watch the movie it is based on!! Secondly, knowing my son would not like the play; he would be asking to leave every 15 minutes. And with his ADD, he would not be able to sit for that length of time anyway. It would be a horrible, aggravating, miserable experience for both of us. So I gave the tickets away. And my son and I spent a quiet, relaxing, productive day at home. I think we both much preferred that.

My husband’s attorney has up to 60 days to respond to my letter, so we shall see how long he puts off responding to it. In the meantime, I am learning a crash course in how to be a single parent, taking care of a high maintenance child and two high maintenance dogs. I’m not doing the greatest job, so far. But as they say, with practice makes perfect, which I don’t expect to aspire to! I think “staying afloat” is a much more reasonable goal for right now! Time will only tell...

Conscience Talking -- by Cara

My blog today is somewhat of an addendum to Robin’s blog from last Friday. In summary (for those who may have missed it), Robin had guests over her house, including a slightly younger boy of one of her friends. Not only did Robin’s son and her friend’s little boy run amok, they locked the adults in Robin’s newly finished basement...twice! Then the lock had to be removed from the door.

Robin posed a question to all of us Moms: When does your child realize right from wrong and if they know they are doing something wrong, when and how do you teach them to do what is right?

I decided to bring this up in today’s blog because shortly after I read Robin’s blog, I was in the kitchen with my son, making dinner, and my son was watching one of those Disney shows geared more towards the teenage crowd. But what caught both of our attention was that one of the “cool” characters evidently did not do something very nice to one of his friends, so the “cool” character’s “nerdy” friend took upon the role of “cool kid’s” conscience.

Because this was the theme of the show, and the word “conscience” was used very frequently, my son asked, “Mommy? What IS conscience?” This was a perfect opportunity to at least instill a grain of what Robin was looking to do with her own son. I waited until a commercial came on, turned the television off, and sat down with my son to try to explain what “conscience” was. I asked, “Have you ever been on the playground or playing with friends and all of a sudden one kid starts calling another kid names?” And he nodded yes. So I continued, “And I’m sure it made you feel confused inside because you didn’t want to be the only one NOT calling the kid names.” And he nodded his head. But because I know what a good person you are, when you actually did call the kid names, it didn’t make you feel very good about yourself...am I right?” And he said, “Yes.” So I explained, that is what “conscience” is. When you do or say something that you know deep down inside isn’t right. But sometimes you end up doing it anyway so that you don’t get picked on either. You end up feeling not so good about yourself. That’s what conscience is...realizing what is good and not good and trying to choose to do what is good because it will make you feel much prouder inside! You will know you chose the right thing to do! And there will be times when you know you should do the right thing, but the feeling to choose the wrong thing will be so strong that you will have a hard time NOT doing it. Then you will not feel good and proud inside. That feeling is called guilt. And guilt helps us to make the right choice the next time even though we made a wrong choice this time.”

Because in the show, the “nerdy” friend was portrayed as the “cool kid’s” conscience, my son asked, “So I have to pick a friend to be my conscience?” And I smiled and said, “No honey, the TV show is using friends as a way to show the “cool kid” how he really should be behaving. Can you see how the “cool kid” is having a hard time trying to decide if he should do the right thing or not? His “conscience” friend is really a friend we all have in our minds...in our heads. Conscience is not outside you, it is inside you and it helps to make you think about what you do before you do it. It helps you decide to do what is good so that it makes you feel good.” My son seemed to at least grasp that conscience was something in your head that controlled “good” and “bad” behavior.

Now, do I think that most of this explanation will have blown by my son like the wind? Of course. But he was asking appropriate questions, so SOME of my dissertation must have stuck with him. And he will remember at least a fraction of our conversation of “right versus wrong.” And knowing my son, out of the blue, he will remember bits and pieces of our conversation and will want me to explain again. And I will be more than willing to do so. I opened up a dialog that I hope will be ongoing. I’m certain that my son will at least REMEMBER that we had SOME kind of conversation when he is faced with a right versus wrong situation. And I would hope that he would come to me and share what happened to discuss whether he chose the correct behavior. And if he is too wracked with guilt over something he did that he REALLY regrets, I hope he comes to me so that I can explain to him that he is feeling very guilty, very sorry about what he did, and also discuss how we can make the situation right again. And that maybe next time, he should be listening a little more closely to his “conscience”.

Post Disney

We did it!

We have friends who have done it. Family who love it. Have heard much about it, but resisted....until now.

We took Seth to Disney.

Marc had a conference in Orlando for three days, so we left three days early so we could vacation as a family at Disney before his meetings.

We stayed at Animal Kingdom Lodge. A very cool place. You get to see exotic animals 24/7 from your hotel window, etc. Seth loved it. And to enhance the experience, he brought his spy night vision goggles, so he could scope out the zebras and giraffes among others before bedtime.

The first day we hit both Animal Kingdom and Magic Kingdom. Surprisingly, our favorite attraction overall proved to be the safari. It was so much fun and adventurous.

Seth wasn't into seeing shows, so we skipped Lion King, though I would have liked to see it. We did have a character breakfast at Tusker House with Daisy, Donald, Mickey and Goofy. Great photo opps. and good food.

Magic Kingdom was particularly beautiful at night...all lit up. Seth isn't keen on fireworks....too dark and loud....so we didn't stay for that. But, we all enjoyed the Buzz Lightyear ride. That was a particular standout.

The next day we did Ecpot. Wow...is that place massive. I was there years ago, but had forgotten. The Nemo ride was fun...and Soarin, though a bit scary if heights aren't your things, was truly AWESOME. Seth had a mixed feeling about it, but was a trooper.

I enjoyed the foreign side of Epcot. Reminded me of my single days when I enjoyed traveling to Europe, the Orient, etc. Feels like another lifetime when I vacationed that way.

Our third day was Hollywood Studios. It was particularly muggy that day, and we were all sweating up a storm. Thankfully friends had advised us to bring the stroller so Seth wouldn't have to walk everywhere. Here we particularly enjoyed the car stunt show and Toy Story ride. Seth got to meet Buzz and Woody, and he loved that. And, he connected with two Power Rangers for photo opps, so that made him smile as he did his action poses with them.

The next three days, it rained torrentially in Orlando. Fortunately, I have two friends there, so we got to get together and did some indoor stuff like mall shopping and visiting playspaces and Downtown Disney. Seth had a blast at the huge Lego store. We managed to squeeze in a couple of quick hours by the hotel pool before the heavens opened up our last day there. So glad I had packed a rain coat for Seth!

Now I feel like I need a vacation from the vacation.

As good as it is to get away...coming home...though overwhelming with the unpacking and catching up....feels good too. And, who would have thought that the weather would be better right now in NY than Orlando.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend! Our community pool opens up, and I hope to do some chilling there while Seth plays lifeguard. He's been waiting all year to assist at the pool. Time goes fast!


PS -- If you're been to Disney, would love to hear your experiences. Do tell.

I Need a Post Vacation Vacation

The vacation verdict is in.

Travel with a four year is not a vacation in the true sense of the word.

We returned this week from a 10 day stay upstate. While it was good to get away, I can't say that I've come home rejuvenated.

Seth completely rejected the notion of trying the kiddie camp, so downtime for Marc (my husband) and I did not exist as I had hoped.

It was nice to spend time as a family without the distractions of home and my typical To Do list, but I'm sure you can guess who dictated, for the most past, our choice of activity at Mohonk Mountain House, the resort where we stayed.

We went boating, attempted fishing (though I'm not keen on the whole worm thing....or the idea of spearing a living creature), explored the grounds, took a stab at hitting golf balls....etc. But, most of our time, on a daily basis, was spent either at the indoor pool or man made beach lake area.

I did manage to squeeze in a massage, which I adored, and had fleeting pockets of time to read and take an art class. What I really wanted most was the opportunity to do some hiking and sitting in one of the many thatched huts surrounding the spectacular lake and mountains. It is there that in the past I've been alone with my thoughts and could clear my mind....something I don't do well at home.

I guess this is the way vacations sometimes go when your child (especially a busy boy) is no longer an infant you can contain in a stroller.

To his credit, Seth showed a huge sense of autonomy, easily navigating the resort and playing on his own at times. That was great to see.

We are considering a winter vacation, when Seth is on break from Pre-K, and I imagine we'll be looking at places like Disney, etc. There, I will not have the expectation of chilling, and I guess that's the key. To let go of vacations as we've known them....go with the flow....make the most of family time.....and know that our kids grow up fast, so relish even the less than relaxing times.

I would, however, welcome another moms retreat with gal pals, or a weekend to myself.

How have your vacations gone since you've become a mom?