My Day in Court - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

Three days to be exact. The first day was a quick postponement to the following week. The second was a postponement to a few days later. That day we sat there for three hours before they finally announced the postponement. Courts are not terribly considerate. Finally, our day came. While our attorneys went into a separate room with the law secretary, my husband and I sat there for two hours checking our e-mail, not doing much else. That’s besides the point.

Court is not a place you would want to voluntarily go to unless you were getting paid to be there. Or HAD to go. Now I understand why lawyers make so much money. Even my lawyer agreed that it disturbs her to be there at times. I really don’t blame her.

Although my husband and I were there to initiate our never-ending divorce, I witnessed many things that happened that both shocked me and even made my heart stand still. I am not at liberty to reveal what happened on the day our case was initiated, but I have plenty to tell about what I observed during the endless hours I spent there waiting.

I had been told by my lawyer that no judge would ever subject a child by putting them on the stand to be questioned unless the case was highly unusual. Low and behold, on our second day there, the courtroom was locked because the judge had a twelve year old girl being questioned. I nervously whispered to my attorney, “They wouldn’t put an eight-year-old on the stand, would they??” She said in all the years she had been trying cases in matrimonial court, this was the first time she ever witnessed a child being questioned. Her response made me feel a little better. Later, though, the mother of this child burst out of the courtroom with a family friend or relative, whaling and sobbing in tears. The judge decided to take away custody of her children from her and give them to her ex-husband. I discovered that the reason for this was because this mother allegedly physically and verbally abused her children. Although I am a strong advocate against child abuse in even the most minor of instances, the heartbreaking sound of this mother in pain still broke my heart. If anyone took my son away from me, I’d probably faint on the spot.

Obviously there is much more to this case than I witnessed. If this mother was abusive in any way, she should have sought medical treatment for her behavior prior to this event. Again, I don’t know what the circumstances were before, so I can only postulate.

As I was still sitting around, observing, I overheard snippets of conversation between clients and their attorneys. I was shocked to hear the way these attorneys spoke to their clients! Absolutely no respect. Degrading. Patronizing. One attorney told his client that if his client didn’t like how he was representing her, she could fire him!! Total disregard to this woman’s concerns! I whispered to my attorney, “I’m so glad you are nice, considerate and compassionate. Some of these lawyers are so rude to their clients!” She said she hears it every day. Some attorneys and their clients are just not the right “fit.” So I replied, “But wouldn’t you sense that in the first consult or subsequent interactions? Why wait until court? And if the attorney thought that the client was too difficult to handle, don’t they have the right to refuse the case?” My lawyer said I am too ethical. She said that some attorneys have great reputations for winning cases but are very difficult to deal with. I just sat there saying a thousand prayers that I have a great attorney who happens to also be compassionate, understanding, and really listens to what I have to say and doesn’t blow me off.

Courts are intimidating. Some of the clients looked just as intimidating. I dressed in a very tailored, sophisticated outfit. Very modest. There were women clients dressed in skin tight dresses and 5-inch heels. Others had so much make-up on, you could practically peel it off. And some men came in ratty jeans and flannel shirts!! Although my husband nor I ever saw the judge, I was still surprised to see my husband show up in khaki pants and a sports jacket! He owns a dozen suits. He couldn’t wear one of them to court? No matter what anyone says, first impressions always count. You don’t get a second chance.

My next court appearance won’t be for a few more months. I get a much needed reprieve. With my dog dying, my son having grief issues and the holidays, I need a break. And a new year to start out fresh with.

How to Stop Time (or at least try to) - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

We are all well aware that we really can’t stop time. Especially when you forget to turn your clocks ahead, like I did this past weekend. And walked around all day Sunday, slightly off schedule! Good thing it was a Sunday! But, in general, time marches on. Or does it really?

I had a meeting planned with my husband, our lawyers and me for this Friday. An overwhelming amount of issues were going to be discussed. Everything from who gets which furniture all the way to a shared parenting schedule for my son. I was completely overwhelmed. And to add salt to an already open wound, I consulted my divorce books (yes, I have a variety of them too), to give me a heads up as to what to expect from this meeting. I had already sat down with a friend earlier in the week who had been through a meeting of this type. Although the mystery behind this meeting (technically called a “4-Way”) was revealed. I learned a lot of things that began to bother me. A lot. So I decided to do an internet search. I learned even more. The most annoying of which is that although my husband has to pay child support and alimony (now termed, “maintenance”), he gets to deduct both from his taxes at the end of the year while I would have to PAY taxes on this income! I now started to become enraged. Not only don’t I know WHY I am getting divorced; Not only won’t my husband even TRY to reconcile our marriage on our child’s behalf; But now I find out that I have to PAY to receive money from him!! No, thank you very much!! I don’t need his money THAT badly! Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back.

My husband was away on a business trip all last week. He came back Friday night. I saw behavior in my son that I have seen many times before when his father returns from a trip: Unbridled joy and elation. My son became giddy with happiness that his family was all together, including his dogs! He squealed with delight! He hugged his father, me, even the dogs! He chattered away in happy conversation, nonstop. Then it hit me, and I started to cry. This would be the last time that my son would experience the happiness of having his family together all under the same roof like this. I stifled my tears the rest of that evening, but sobbed the entire next day, when I was alone. I teared up when I spent Sunday with my son. I sobbed all through my session with my therapist Monday morning. I kept crying, “Why?? Why is this man doing this to his son?? Why is he doing this to me?? My son will never experience the elation he felt Friday night ever again!!” My therapist said, “I think you need to tell your lawyer this. I don’t think you are ready for this 4-Way meeting.” I told my therapist I would consider calling my lawyer.

All day Monday, crying off and on, I just kept replaying how happy my son was Friday night. And I made a decision. Both my son AND I need a reason why our lives are going to be destroyed by this man. We BOTH need an answer. So I decided to “postpone” (cancel) our 4-Way meeting. 

Since I made this decision in the evening, I sent an e-mail to my attorney Monday night. I had to pay a Shiva call (a visit to the family who had a loved one recently die in the Jewish faith), on Tuesday morning. I didn’t even have time to buy some baked goods for the family. I brought tissues instead. It was only the woman who’s father died who was home. She lost her mother only two months prior. She asked me to please distract her with conversation. She didn’t know about my divorce, so I told her. We both ended up using those tissues. I left when her youngest daughter would be coming home from preschool, because I knew her daughter would then be her distraction. But we bonded. We both now had two deceased parents. And I was able to comfort her knowing exactly how she felt. And she appreciated speaking with someone who not only lost both of her parents, but who was going through now an additional trauma. She said to me, “When you think that life can’t get any worse, it really can.” I nodded as she scooped her daughter up and hugged her close.

I spoke to my attorney as I walked home from paying my Shiva call. I began to cry even relating the story of my son to her. Attorneys can be stoic, but she is a Mom with a daughter who is my son’s age, so she instead consoled me and said she would take care of the wording when she let my husband’s attorney know that the meeting would be canceled. I thanked her profusely.

So for now, the clock has stopped with my divorce. I am not continuing to pursue it until I get a decent reason why my son will have to be traumatized and suffer. I’ve suffered enough. There is no reason he should have to suffer needlessly too.

Addendum:  In my blog from last week, I failed to provide contact information for the Motherhood Later Meet-Up speaker, Lisa Levine-Bernstein, MSN, RN, FNP. Lisa’s contact information is e-mail: parentingsuccessfulchildren@juno.com or by phone at (516) 423 - 9918.

The Saddest Day - by Cara

I made probably the most difficult decision of my entire life recently. To end my marriage. Making this decision was so difficult that the only situation I can compare it to would be having a loved one in the hospital and having to be the one to make the decision to have them taken off life support. This decision was immensely heart wrenching, but it had to be done.

My husband is looking for the least expensive way to end our marriage and provide support. Because I have to look out for the needs of both my son as well as myself, I couldn’t afford to go the least expensive route. I chose to go through the much more grueling, difficult way. But it had to be done for the sake of my son and myself.

I also had to do it because my husband and I don’t have any semblance of life together anymore. And I grieve and hurt over this just about every single day. I have tried so hard to keep our family intact. My husband, however, keeps pulling farther and farther away. He has absolutely no interest in rectifying our marriage or family.

My own health has deteriorated significantly as well. I’ve lost 60 pounds due to stress induced irritable bowel syndrome. I can hardly eat liquids at this point and keep them in my digestive tract. My doctors have had to increase my anti-anxiety meds to a point where I think my brain is going to implode. I am weak, often dehydrated, often dizzy, and almost always nauseous. My body cannot afford to go on like this. Especially crying myself to sleep every night. I had to “pull the plug.” For the sake of my own health.

My biggest fear, besides my health, is my son. He will be devastated. And I am sure that this will impact his schooling. Since my husband is hardly around anyway, I constantly reassure my son that I will always be here for him. And I will never leave him, no matter what. He will forever be my number one priority. As it is now, we have established our own comfortable routine together. At least that will remain consistent for him.

The most difficult part of all will be telling our son that Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. I’ve been reading up on how to tell a young child that his parents will be divorcing. The most important emphasis from everything I’ve read is that both parents need to remain calm and unemotional when discussing a divorce with a child. I absolutely don’t think I can do it. I get teary-eyed just thinking of telling our son. But I want to hear what my husband says to our son, so I have to be present. I’m just going to have to take a few xanaxes before we sit down with him and try to hold back the tears. I honestly don’t know how I am going to get through it.

My husband and I had a child because we wanted to share the love we had for each other exponentially towards our child. The love for our child hasn’t changed, but I still continue to wonder where the love my husband and I had for each other went. And I still don’t understand how you can know a person intimately for 20 years and be married for 15 years, and have that love dissipate practically overnight. I guess I never will know the answer.

All I ever wanted was a happy little family who enjoyed spending time with one another and enjoying life’s experiences together. From last week’s blog, you could tell that I experienced my son’s first camping trip second hand, through texts and photos sent from my husband. And when my son and I leave for the Bahamas tomorrow, my husband will have to live our cruise experience, along with a stop at Disney on the way back, through scattered phone calls and shared photos. It is so utterly sad.

When my husband received the divorce letter, he was visibly shaken and shocked. Since then, however, he has failed to discuss it. All he said about the letter was, “I don’t know what to say.” I thought to myself, “For an intelligent man, you don’t seem to know much about anything concerning our relationship.” He is acting more and more like a bachelor, is giving up more and more time that he could be spending with his son, instead choosing to spend it with his friends or doing a physical activity. It is beyond sad. For my birthday, he gave me a gift, “from my son,” which was completely self-serving and did not take my son nor I into consideration at all. He had a bike race to go to this past Saturday with a barbecue to go to afterwards. He gave me tickets to go to see the play, The Lion King, at a theater in New York City. He specifically chose the day of his bike race as the date for the tickets, so that my son and I would be occupied. Firstly, my son hates the Lion King movie. I have offered to watch it with him over the years, and as soon as it starts, my son starts screaming, “Turn it off! Turn it off!” Why would I take my son to a play when he won’t even watch the movie it is based on!! Secondly, knowing my son would not like the play; he would be asking to leave every 15 minutes. And with his ADD, he would not be able to sit for that length of time anyway. It would be a horrible, aggravating, miserable experience for both of us. So I gave the tickets away. And my son and I spent a quiet, relaxing, productive day at home. I think we both much preferred that.

My husband’s attorney has up to 60 days to respond to my letter, so we shall see how long he puts off responding to it. In the meantime, I am learning a crash course in how to be a single parent, taking care of a high maintenance child and two high maintenance dogs. I’m not doing the greatest job, so far. But as they say, with practice makes perfect, which I don’t expect to aspire to! I think “staying afloat” is a much more reasonable goal for right now! Time will only tell...

Where There's a Will

It's not something I like to think about or talk about. And, I don't embrace writing about it. But, I wanted to share with you a couple of discussions that recently came up with mom friends, both of whom are 40 something, like myself.

We were out to dinner with a family that has a three year old, and the subject of camp came up. As you know from my previous blog post, my husband and I have been visiting various summer camps and debating where to send Seth this year. Thankfully, we have made a decision on that front, and now it's just a question of how long we are sending him for.

In taking about it with these friends, they said that they, too, have signed their son up for camp, and there is the option that most camps offer of having him bused. It is not in their town, and would probably be about a 20 minutes bus ride, depending on how many children also have to be picked up/dropped off.

I recalled when Seth first got on the bus to go to nursery school. He was 3.5. I cried after he left, but he had a total blast. I got tearful because it was hard to believe he was capable of going on a bus without me. When I shared with these friends my experience and how Seth adored it, the mom said that wasn't her concern. She was worried for his safety. Who is the bus driver? she asked. What kind of driver is he? etc....etc. Her preference was to have her stay-at-home-husband drive him back 'n forth to the camp they selected.

When Seth first got bused, we met the driver and spoke to the school about it, and basically put our trust in this man. Thankfully, it has been ok, and he is Seth's driver again this year.

Then, we had lunch with a mom friend and her four year old twins. She was talking about taking a drive with her husband to go to a meeting they both had to attend. Her children didn't need to be there and could potentially be left home with the nanny, but she opted to take them. Then, she made a comment that I found a bit intriguing/surprising. She said she wanted to take them with her in case something happened. That she and her husband don't typically do things just the two of them without the kids for that reason.

To be honest, I didn't know how to respond. I asked, you mean that if G-d forbid you got into a car accident and got killed that you'd want your children to die with you? Not that she is a doom 'n gloom person and was anticipating this, but yes, that was her thought.

Then I asked, do you have wills? Have you provided for your children? Do you know who would care for them if something did happen to you and your husband? She said no.

Marc, my husband, and I, invested in hiring an attorney last year to draw up wills for us and other paperwork so that we know Seth will be secure, if need be. It is not something pleasant to discuss, and it led us to really examine who is in our lives and who we would want to raise Seth if we were gone. I don't want to think about that. Who does? Mortality? That's a hard nut to swallow. But, I do at least have the peace of mind to know that we've put things in place for Seth.

This leads me to the question...shouldn't we all as parents?! Isn't it our responsibility to have a will and whatever else is necessary, for our children's sake? Sure we want them to be safe, but there's only so much we can do.