Cyma Shapiro Chats with Terri Amos Brit, author, The Enlightened Mom

Q: What has been your greatest achievement as a mother?

A: My greatest achievement as a mother is the fact that I have healed my life and stopped the cycle of pain that is so often handed down from generation to generation in families. As a mom and a life coach, I've made it my life mission to heal and to help moms heal. And what I've seen from my own life and other moms making this decision is that when mom heals, the family heals. Where there was once judgment, blame, frustration and resentment, mom's healing creates greater communication, acceptance, joy, playfulness and unconditional love in the home. I am so thankful I discovered this years ago to set this tone for my family.

Q: What has been your greatest failure?

A: I don't feel a sense of failure as a mom. If I could change anything, however, it would have been to heal my life before I became a stepmom to my late husband's son. I didn't like how I was with him. That's when I made a decision to heal. I didn't like that I felt angry and overwhelmed all of the time when he was with us. On the other hand, if I had not had that experience, I would not have stepped into my life mission. With that said, I don't feel like I was a failure at all. It is only when I don't look within and learn what is causing my pain in the first place that I feel like a failure.

Q: As Mother's Day approaches, many women find this to be a soul-searching time of year. In many instances, their introspection reveals self-doubt, unhappiness, and a feeling that they are "falling short" as mothers. How would you counsel them?

A: To stop trying to perform for your family because when you do, you set the example for them to feel as if they have to perform, too. I would encourage every mom to accept her humanness and know that she is not responsible for making others happy. Happiness is a choice we make by going within and connecting to our hearts. The greatest gift a mom can give her family is to stop performing, being an example to her family to find the love within. This is true abundance.

Q: Your book, "The Enlightened Mom," was written after years of your own unhappiness as a woman, wife and mother. Can you share some insights about the path which led you to this?

A: I spent my life trying to be "the best" at everything. I thought I had to "act" certain ways, always trying to win people's approval. And I got a lot of it. But with each achievement I received an award that was given to me, I felt something was missing. Even in that moment of winning Miss USA 1982, I felt emptiness. My ego said, "Yes!" but my spirit asked, "Is this it?" I thought getting other people's approval was love. But in that moment, I began to realize that something wasn't quite right. I continued this search for love in the TV industry as well, but always failed. It wasn't until I became a mom and struggled, always trying to do things right and be 'the best," that I began to realize that the search outside of myself for love and acceptance was causing me great pain. I lived by a set of rules that told me how I "must be" to receive love and I was putting those rules onto my family. I found myself controlling, angry, frustrated and often wanting to run for the hills. I truly couldn't stand myself. Then I made a decision to heal. It was here that I discovered the source of my pain: I was denying myself. In my effort to be "the best" and seek others' love and approval, I was disconnecting from my heart. This disconnection is what creates pain and suffering. When I made a decision to end the pain and heal, I discovered that the anger and negativity I felt as a mom and those knee-jerk reactions I hated so much were actually gifts. They were red-flags telling me that I had disconnected from my heart and wasn't honoring and loving the way I was created. By allowing my pain to guide me to the false beliefs that were in my subconscious mind that told me how I "must be" to gain others' love, and by releasing those beliefs and giving myself permission to just be me, I stopped the cycle of pain that had been handed down from previous generations.

Q: It's interesting that by trying to "be the best” mother, you've identified that the journey often denies you - the caretaker and mom - your own needs, wants and desires. Do you find this to be endemic to women, in general, or mothers, in specific?

A: Because mom sets the tone, women tend to take on the roles of their mothers. So even though a woman might not be a mom, she may still play the caretaker.

Q: You've utilized your strengths as an energetic healer and spiritual consultant as the basis for your own personal work, and the resultant help you offer others. How might you counsel women to find their own strengths in this area?

A: I believe that finding a way to look within is the key to connecting to your inner wisdom and strength. For some women, this may mean meditating, and for others it may mean journaling or exercising alone in nature. It is up to each woman to discover what is right for her. But once she finds what resonates with her heart, she creates a pathway to that wisdom and strength. For me, I do all of the above. I know that if I am feeling anything but joy and love, it is time for me to create a connection within. Depending on what time of day it is and how I feel, I choose the tool that works best for me.

Q: What daily practices do you employ to affirm and take care of yourself?

A: I LOVE to meditate! And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to write to connect to my heart.

Q: What are some of the tips you offer women to help maintain themselves?

A: Accept your humanness. It's the most loving thing we can do as women, and to nurture and love the little child within. By creating communication with the five-year-old inside of you, you discover what's right for you. You open up to compassion for yourself by loving this little kid. She is your heart, your greatest messenger of all.

Q: Having spent so many years striving and often reaching lofty personal and professional goals before becoming new older mothers, and finding their crowning achievement, as mothers, to be less than they had hoped, many women feel the angst of "not good enough" more acutely than some of their younger counterparts. What tips can you offer this group, in particular?

A: It is never too late to begin loving and forgiving yourself, because as you find inner abundance, you will still be an example of love and healing for your family. I work with women in their 70's, and these are some of the most remarkable women because they have such wisdom to share and at the same time continue to evolve and heal. What a gift they are!

Q: How important do you find religion, spiritual practices, or forms of exercise/meditation/other modalities to keeping yourself "in check?"

A: I find my spiritual practice is THE most important thing I can do for myself, as well as for my family. It is when I maintain this kind of connection that I am the most joyful, loving person I can be.

Q: Finally, what one gift can you offer mothers this Mother's Day?

A: You are of value. Most moms don't believe they matter. But you do. Everything about you is important. When you finally make a decision to release the beliefs that tell you this isn't so and finally love and honor the way you were created, you will be a tremendous light for all those you love. It's not what we do for our families, but how we live our lives that affects them the most!

Terri Amos Britt is a spiritual life coach, bestselling author, and expert on the “Law of Attraction.” After overcoming her own serious anger management issues, Terri spent the last 12 years not only healing her own life, but helping women all over the world heal theirs through her inspirational newsletters and books. She is the author of her newest book, The Enlightened Mom, her previous book Message Sent: Retrieving the Gift of Love, and she co-authored the books A Juicy, Joyful Life and Wake Up Women. Terri is a columnist for Aspire magazine, an online magazine for women. She can be found @ http://www.theenlightenedmom.com/

GUEST BLOG POST: Smart Talk about Sex by Heather Simonson

An open and honest relationship - started early and continued throughout adulthood - between parents and children is the foundation for healthy and responsible decision-making about love, life and sex. Research indicates that strong family connectedness will help children develop positive self-esteem, resist peer pressure and make responsible choices independently.
Unfortunately, many parents feel uncomfortable tackling such difficult subject matter on their own, especially when their children are still young. Some are unable to broach the topic because of their own lack of information, while others feel that addressing such a mature topic will encourage unhealthy behaviors.

But we know the opposite to be true— starting early, and talking often about sex and sexuality by first starting with more comfortable issues such as love, relationships and responsibility will lay the groundwork for a lifetime of open communication and trust. Moreover, parental involvement in young people’s lives improves youth’s self-esteem, positively influences their decision-making skills and delays the onset of sexual activity.

Sharing your expectations with your kids, expressing why you feel the way you do and giving them the accurate information they need to stay healthy will help to keep the lines of communication open and make you an “askable” parent. Education is power. Sharing medically factual and honest information does not give permission to have sex, just as teaching your child how to use their seatbelt doesn’t send a message that you want them to drive haphazardly.

Be the source and keep an open ear when they need it. With so many messages about sexuality bombarding young people, you want to be sure your kids can sort out the facts from the fantasy. Teens rank parents as their #1 influence – they need your guidance on sexuality whether or not they ask. Studies show that kids who feel they can talk with their parents about sex - because their parents speak openly and listen carefully to them - are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject. Effective parent-child communication is the cornerstone of strong and healthy families and will lay the groundwork for keeping our kids safe and resilient.

Here are some tips to help get the conversation started:

Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes -Talking to your children about love, sex and relationships will be more successful when you're clear about how you feel about your own values. You are the strongest influence in your child's life. Share your values, but understand and accept that your child may not share your beliefs about sexuality. If they share their values with you, by really listening to them, they will feel valued by you, and in turn learn to have a strong sense of self-worth.

Also, be on the same page with your parenting partner. You don’t have to agree, but being consistent in the messages you send is vital, especially since youth receive so many mixed messages from all the other influences in their lives.

Be an Askable Parent - Reassure the child that it’s good to ask questions, for example always respond with saying something like “That’s a great question.” Affirming a question may be more important that the answer itself.

Teachable Moments - Use moments that arise in everyday life, as occasions for discussion; by doing so your children will be a lot less likely to tune you out. Watch a TV show, use a public service announcement, a pregnant friend of even a pet, a movie or magazines to create these teachable moments. Ask your child what they think rather than lecturing, and in the process, share your messages and values on the topic.

Don't wait for your child to start the conversation - Just because they haven’t asked, doesn’t mean they don’t need to know. Many adolescents wish they could talk to their parents about sex, but feel uncomfortable asking questions- Then they may end up getting all the wrong information from their friends and TV!

Schools and Parents Working Together: A Powerful Partnership - We know that in order to promote positive and healthy views around sexuality we must work together with our community and our schools. Do you know what your school teaches? The only sexual health related state mandate is HIV/AIDS Education. Advocate for a comprehensive sexuality education curricula in your school and couple it with a parent education program either through your PTA or SEPTA.

Be Positive and Encourage Health - Sending affirming messages about sexuality will help your child to formulate a positive outlook and learn to respect their bodies. One way to do this is by normalizing sexuality, making talking about it as common and as important as brushing your teeth.

Heather Simonson, LMSW, a Licensed Social Worker and Certified Sexuality Educator, is the founder of Sexuality Education and Counseling Services, an organization that empowers others to embrace sexuality with pride and respect through.  She is a nationally known trainer and counselor specializing in the areas of sexual and reproductive health, youth development and parent/child communication. Heather created PEP Talks, the Parent Empowerment Program, to provide parents with the support, education and tools needed to help their children successfully navigate through life.

Communal Germs

Let me start by saying we had a really nice trip to Boston. We went away last week, during spring break, with Seth, to Beantown. There is so much to do there, and we totally lucked out with the weather, so all was great, for the most part. I highly recommend it as a destination. That said, the tide changed radically once we got home.....

We returned Sunday night, and I felt immediately swamped. Mail to read. Tons of emails. Calls to return. Appointments to make. Unpacking...etc. Vacation was surely over. I did what I could and turned in early (for me)....glad to be sleeping in my own bed again....and at 2AM, major stomach discomfort kicked in. I wound up spending most of the evening in and out of the bathroom and was in bed all the next day. Some kind of stomach flu hit me big time, and I was feeling nothing but pain. My back hurt...legs ached, stomach churned. I lived on saltines, jello and other super light food for the next few days, and still feel like my energy is seriously zapped.

The day after I took ill, Seth started complaining his throat hurt when he yawned, and he wondered if that was normal. He's not one typically to complain, so we listened up. We kept him home from school that day, and Marc took him to the pediatrician the following morning. I'm so glad he did. Were it up to me, I would have thought that Seth just had a sore throat. But, shockingly, I got a call from Marc on his way to the pharmacy with Seth, and he said Seth had strep throat. My first thought was....Yikes! I already had it this winter....no not again....strep germs in the house.

Then, the day after, Marc announced that he didn't feel well and came home early from work. He then spent the entire next day in bed, as I had, and went to the doctor with a scratchy throat. Luckily his isn't strep, but the doctor didn't want it to develop. Both he and Seth are now on antibiotic...and I wait with baited breath...and pray that it won't catch up with me.

I do feel somewhat sniffly today, so I'm popping extra Vitamin C and Echinacea and hoping for the best. Must go to bed early, or at least try to.

We have weekend plans that can't be cancelled, and I have to rise to the occasion.

This week has been unreal. This is my first experience with all of us being ill at the very same time. And, not even exactly with the same virus. Crazy!

I'm wiped out from it all...not to mention feeling behind in some things I expected to get done. Oh well. Such is the life of a parent.

Next week will hopefully be better. And, if weather permits, I'm going to open all the doors and windows and air out the house....and pull out the cans of Lysol and disinfect like a mad woman. And, get out my hand sanitizer and use it religiously. One of my mom friends, knowing how sick I've been this winter with miscellaneous bugs, suggested I get myself a surgical mask for protection. Hmmm...now that's a thought. :)

Have you ever had this experience?