GUEST BLOG POST: Authentic Parenting and Living by Kathleen McIntire

52 Weeks of Authenticity: Practical Ways to Make 2012 the Year You Finally Get Real and Start Living the Best Life for YOU   Authenticity. It’s a word that gets tossed around quite a bit these days. (In fact, it’s in danger of becoming a bit of a cliché.) Sure, we all think we’re authentic in our words and actions. But are we really? I think that, consciously or not, most of us let the expectations of others drive the decisions we make every day—from the major we choose, to the kind of house we buy, to where we go on vacation, to whether we stay in and relax on Saturday night or go out and party. So many of us live out our lives as slaves to the tyranny of should. Year after year we strive to become what others—parents, partners, experts, society—tell us we should be. And then, one day, we wake up and realize we never got to let go and just be our real selves. The start of a fresh new year (okay…give or take a week or two) is the perfect time to resolve to live more authentically. Problem is, you may not be sure where to even begin. Heck, you may not be sure what an authentic life looks like! That’s why I have put together some practical tips—52 of them, in fact—for “getting real” in various areas of your life. Each week, choose one suggestion from this list to focus on. No need to tackle them in the order they’re listed or to do all of them. They’re just meant to get you thinking—and to get you started down the path to a more authentic life. YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity. —Barbara de Angelis • Come to terms with what really matters to you. Get comfortable with it. Maybe you’re okay with a smaller income and more free time. Maybe you’re okay with an extra 20 pounds. Never apologize for not “fitting in.” The minute you find yourself worrying about how others perceive you is the minute you abandon authenticity. • Whatever you decide to do (or not to do), own your decision.  If you find you can’t own it—if you feel wracked with guilt or compelled to hide the truth from those around you—it’s time to rethink what you’re doing.  • If in your journey to authenticity you decide a lifestyle change is needed, be realistic in your goal-setting. Let’s say you decide your diet, heavy in fats and processed foods, isn’t serving you well. If you know you aren’t going to grow an organic garden in your backyard, set a goal to prepare a body- and soul-nourishing meal (heavy on the veggies and supplemented with organically raised meat) two days a week at first. It’s best to take “baby steps” and plan to make more dramatic changes when you’re ready. In this way you’ll build the confidence you need to succeed. • Break an unwritten “rule” made by others and reject any shame. Allowing others to shame us keeps us living on the treadmill and trying to fit in by doing it the “right way.” Authenticity is inner directed. Inauthenticity comes from caring what others think and letting the external dictate how you live. • Ask yourself, What am I hiding? Make the choice to reveal something you’ve been fiercely protecting. Chip away at the armor by sharing a secret with a partner or a friend or maybe just your cat or your journal. • It’s okay to do things for yourself. Honor your own needs. Sometimes we all need a massage or a new handbag or just a couple of hours alone while our spouse takes the kids to a movie. • Give yourself permission to have feelings that you think you “shouldn’t” have.  Should and shouldn’t have no place in an authentic life. • Get real about money. Spending what you can’t afford to spend is another way of pretending to be who we aren’t. It’s also a disaster in the making! • Take a break from the need to DO something. Simply BE. Simply show up as you are and love. • Know when you’re at your best and when you’re not. (When you’re not, it’s almost always the perfect time for a bath or a nap!) • Call a moratorium on victim talk. Authentic people don’t blame others. They recognize their own power and use it to create their own reality. • Own your emotions. If you can’t help crying in confrontational situations, let the tears flow. If you’re devastated when a pet dies, accept condolences without apologizing or minimizing. You feel what you feel…let go of the label of being “too sensitive.” • Each week, spend some time outside. When we disconnect from Nature, we disconnect from Source. We’re creatures of the Earth and it’s hard to thrive in an artificial world. • Declutter a little (people and “stuff”). When you’re too busy trying to manage chaos, you can’t relax enough to even know who you are and what you need and want. (Do you really love Grandma’s china? If you don’t, give it to someone who does. Are you really going to fit into those size 8 jeans ever again? If not, get rid of them!) • Give yourself a makeover. Do you dress in a way that truly expresses who you are? This question has nothing to do with what’s hot or stylish or what label is attached to your garments. It has everything to do with feeling comfortable in your own skin (and what’s covering it) instead of vaguely ill at ease or like you’re playing an expected role. • Seize every opportunity to say, “I love you”—to yourself. Until we can fully love ourselves, we can’t fully love the others in our lives. AUTHENTIC FRIENDSHIPS We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk. —Thomas Moore, PhD • Learn to say no. Sometimes it takes an authentic no (to something you don’t want to do) to say an authentic yes (to something you long to do). Unless you’re the clown or the balloon maker, does it really matter if you don’t go to the party? If you see it as an obligation, bow out lovingly and stay home and rest—ah, rest!—instead. • Also, learn to say yes when your heart guides you to. Be flexible and fun. So what if you “should” (there’s that word again!) stay home and clean? When a good friend invites you to dinner on the spur of the moment, drop everything and go. We rarely regret heart-inspired action! • Gently tell the truth. Of course you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but don’t withhold crucial insights to spare them, either. (“I think you have a drinking problem” may hurt her feelings, but if you believe the words are in her best interests, don’t you have to say them?) • Be vulnerable. Show your insecurities. Admit that your house is a wreck, or your marriage is struggling, or you don’t know how to roast the turkey. People will be more willing to open up and be authentic with you because they’ll see that you’re human. • Allow your friends to be vulnerable, too. Let them feel their feelings. When you argue with them or try to “fix” it for them, you deny the authenticity of their experience. • If it makes you uncomfortable, say so. If your friends never bring money to dinner and you always end up paying the tab, confront them (lovingly) with the truth. • Be sensitive to what is convenient to the other person. Sometimes what’s convenient for you doesn’t work so well for them. (If a busy working mother lets you borrow a hundred dollars in cash, pay her back in cash—don’t write a check. When is she going to have time to get to the bank?) • Practice and expect reciprocity. We’re all in different cycles at different times, so this should be measured in terms of years, not weeks or months. However, if you find that a friend seems to only take, limit the time you spend with her. • It’s okay not to be “nice.” Real friends would rather you speak your truth than pretend or deny or try to please and impress. Little girls are not sugar and spice and everything nice…and neither are grown women. • Surround yourself with authentic friends. If you don’t have any, set an intention to find your tribe. Join a reading circle or a knitting group or a hiking club or a food co-op. Volunteer for a cause you’re passionate about. Be open to the people you meet. Likeminded people will find you as if by magic. • It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other. If the friendship isn’t meeting your needs, move on. • Lighten the load for someone else when you can.  • Seize every opportunity to say, “I love you.” One day it will be your last chance. AUTHENTIC MARRIAGES/RELATIONSHIPS Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood. —Karen Casey • Ask yourself, Am I married to the right person…or am I just married? • State your intention. Do you intend to stay married and make it work? Then do what it takes to make it happen…or get a divorce. • End the blame game. If you’re blaming your partner for your unhappiness, you’re denying your own power. We can’t control what others do, but we can control how we respond to it and whether or not we’ll continue to live with it. • Tell the truth about something you’ve been stewing over. Tell it gently and lovingly, expressing what took place and how you feel: angry or sad or betrayed or conflicted. Make it an “I” statement versus a “You” statement. Own your feelings; they are yours. Then offer a suggestion on how to make the situation work for the both of you. This will turn the focus on a solution and keep you both from getting stuck on the problem. • Rock the boat. It can be good to upset the status quo in your relationship—especially if the status quo is causing seething resentment. Go where you want to go on vacation for a change…or plan an outing with girlfriends on his “golf day”…or paint your office the shade of green that he dislikes (but that you love). Let the chips fall where they may. • Are you letting your partner live an authentic life? If you’re doing something to manipulate or control him or her, it’s time to stop. When people are allowed to be who they are, they often blossom. • It’s usually a mistake to expect people to change lifelong habits that you don’t like. They won’t. And anyway, who are you to insist they change to please you? • It’s not about winning. As the old saying goes, Would you rather be right or be happy? • Have you ever heard it said, “Don’t fight force with force”? It’s a MARTIAL arts principle that can also be a MARITAL arts principle! Sometimes yielding or flowing around the barrier like a river is the best way to get what you need. • Seize every opportunity to say, “I love you.” One day it will be your last chance. AUTHENTIC PARENTING A lot of mothers will do anything for their children, except let them be themselves. —Banksy • Be as honest with your kids as you possibly can be without upsetting them with information too advanced for their ages. They can handle the truth when it’s expressed lovingly and in an age-appropriate way. Yes, Dad lost his job (but we won’t end up homeless). Yes, the shot will hurt a little (but only for a minute and it will be over). • Are you perpetuating the myth of parental perfection? When you screw up, admit that you screwed up. Kids will respect and respond to your honesty. • Pay attention to your child when he talks. Really listen. Tuning him out or humoring/half-listening sends the message that what he has to say is not important. Believe me, that’s a message he will hear loud and clear. • Every day, make a sincere effort to truly engage your child. Turn off the TV, walk away from the computer, set aside the bills—and talk. When you don’t make it a priority, days and weeks can go by without a genuine connection…and you wake up one morning to realize you don’t know your own child. • Every so often ask your child “What would you like to do today?” Then just do it. While you’re throwing the football or having the tea party, don’t zone out and worry about the bills you need to pay or the report you need to write. Be in the moment. Enjoy your child. These days will not last forever. • Parent from the heart. If it doesn’t feel good to you, it doesn’t matter if it’s what the “experts” swear by. You are you and your child is your child…your intuition will tell you what’s right for both of you. • Pushing kids to be something they’re not hurts them and you. They need to live their dreams, not yours. • Look for ways to honor your child’s gifts. Post the short story she wrote on your Facebook account. Or proudly show guests the Lego fort he built in his room. Tell friends (in her presence), “Meghan taught our dog how to sit, stay, and fetch…she has a real gift for connecting with animals!” Acknowledging what makes your child unique helps her shape a strong sense of self. • Be truthful about your child’s shortcomings. Everyone has different strengths. If your child isn’t an academic superstar or a natural athlete, it’s okay. Focus on her strengths rather than trying to hide the truth about what you see as a weakness. • With everything you do, narrate the “why.” You’re helping your kids understand that you make the choices you make based on a set of beliefs and values that make you you. • You’re not Parent of the Year (whatever that means!) and you never will be. Let yourself off the hook. You might not make it to every school event but there is plenty you do right. Focus on those things instead. • Let the housework go. The struggle to maintain perfect order at all times is the ultimate denial of who we are: beautifully flawed human beings! Spend the time you would have spent mopping playing with your kids instead. • Seize every opportunity to say, “I love you.” One day it will be your last chance. Kathleen McIntire is a transformational teacher, speaker, and healer who is dedicated to bringing forth truth, liberation, and awakening. She is the author and creator of Guiding Signs 101, a set of divination cards and guidebook using everyday road signs to tap into your intuition and own inner guidance.   She is the steward of MoonBear Sanctuary, located on 28 acres in Northern California. The retreat center located there provides cutting-edge workshops as well as ceremonies, study groups, and symposiums. Kathleen, whose focus is on restoring the feminine power, also leads sacred journeys with women. Kathleen is the producer of two upcoming Mayan films. The first, Mayan Renaissance, is being made by PeaceJam, an international education program for youth built around leading Nobel Peace Laureates. The other film is The Unification of Wisdom and 2012.  Visit www.soaringinlight.com and www.guidingsigns101.com.

Am I Over-scheduling my Child? - by Margaret Hart

Sometimes I wonder if I'm at risk of becoming one of those mothers who over-schedules her children.   

My son currently has after-school activities Monday through Thursday, and plays in a basketball league on the weekend.  So far that schedule is working for him, and for our family, and he's having a great time.  So why am I questioning his schedule? Well, for one thing, I worry a lot. But don't all moms? 

My son is super social, very athletic, and has a seemingly unending supply of energy and interests. He likes to talk and he likes to move. He's not a couch potato.  And he's not one to just sit and contemplate his navel. So I keep him active by enrolling him in activities that I know he enjoys, and that I hope will enrich his mind and body.  And he likes it that way.

I also believe in allowing for down time in his schedule, so I try to ensure he has at least one afternoon a week for a play date, or time to just come home from school and do whatever he wants.  The thing is, when you are an only child, sometimes doing whatever you want isn't as much fun as having something scheduled. (Especially when mom isn't' good at Twister!)

So I spend a good deal of time crafting and managing my son's social calendar and activity schedule.  I guess you could say I'm like his manager.  I handle his sports, arts, and academic activities, schedule all his play dates, and RSVP to all the birthday parties.   As crazy as it sometimes gets, I'd rather have him at a play date, taking guitar lessons, participating in chess club, or dancing in hip hop class, then sitting at home every afternoon and complaining that he needs more than 30 minutes of screen time.  

I'm not the kind of parent that pushes activities on my child. But I present the opportunity and suggest that he try new things. If there is an activity he's unsure about, I always tell  him that he doesn't have to continue if he doesn't like it.  Nowadays, most businesses that cater to children let you have a trial class to decide. That's just smart. Less paperwork for everyone. And satisfies parents.

Besides scheduling challenges, our only real issue has been finding the time to fit in all the activities in which my son wants to participate–and the budget to pay for them!  Getting everything organized is always a challenge:  finding a day that works, a time, getting the right class, the teacher you want, coordinating with friends. It's all a juggling act. 

Add to the mix, school breaks and early dismissal days. Take, for example, the upcoming February winter break.  Ordinarily, I'd schedule play dates and maybe arrange a field trip for a group of his friends to a local museum.  Or, if we were lucky, we might take a vacation to the Caribbean.  Yeah, right.

This year, however, because I'll be caring for my mother, who is having knee replacement surgery, I decided it would be a good idea to enroll my son in a winter break camp.  I registered him for a morning sports camp until 12:30pm, and an afternoon chess camp from 12:00 to 3:00pm. He is excited about both.  But you can see my problem? The schedules overlap .  Why don't these camps get this? 

To make it all work, I'm going to pick him up 30 minutes early from sports camp, and have him eat his lunch in the car while we drive to chess camp, fifteen minutes away.  And this is exactly the type of scheduling scenario that makes me ask myself if I'm over scheduling my son.  I rationalize by saying that this is a special week and if my mom weren't here, I would only have signed him up for sports camp. No guilt.

As long as my Outlook Calendar doesn't crash, and my son continues to be happy and healthy, I guess I will continue to keep him busy and his schedule buzzing.  After all, it's not that busy.  : )

ROBIN'S SHOW REVIEW: A Charity Case

A CHARITY CASE starring Two-Time Tony Nominee Alison Fraser, Alysia Reiner (Sideways) and Jill Shackner (Les Miserables) began previews October 28th at The Clurman Theatre( 410 West 42nd Street- between 9th and 10th Avenues) and opened November 2nd. This new play about adoption is written and directed by Australian playwright Wendy Beckett.

As an adoptive parent myself, I was intrigued by the premise. In fact, my husband and I attended with another couple who had adopted. The next day, they commented it led them to have an introspective chat about their daughter who came from an orphanage in Russia.  I didn't find it so much an inspiration for discussion but rather for gratitude. The characters in the play were so extreme in the challenges they faced, i.e. alcoholism, a mental breakdown, threats of self infliction while yearning for love and acceptance, that I considered myself fortunate to be in a "positive place" with my son.

The play asks the question....Is it possible to find yourself when you don’t understand where you came from? A 17 year old girl struggles to come of age while caught between loyalty to the self-absorbed woman (raising her as a single mother) who became her adoptive mother and curiosity about the troubled woman who gave her away at age 3 by sending her off on a train.

A CHARITY CASE features Alison Fraser (as the adoptive mother), Jill Shackner (as the adopted daughter) and Alysia Reiner (as the birthmother).

Fraser most recently starred in School For Lies at Classic Stage Company and created the role of Sister Walburga in Charles Busch’s The Divine Sister.  She is a two-time Tony Award nominee for playing Martha in The Secret Garden and Josefine in Romance/Romance.  Film and TV credits include “Between the Lions,” “Law and Order: SVU,” “Third Watch,” The Thing About My Folks” opposite Peter Falk and Paul Reiser, “In the Blood” and the upcoming “Commentary.”

Shackner has appeared on Broadway in Les Miserables and Off-Broadway in Landscape of the Body, Prince and The Pauper, Penny 4 Eyes Rock N’ Roll Show, and The Broadway Kids. Her television credits include “All My Children,” “Three Moons Over Milford,” “As the World Turns,” “Out of the Box,” “Star Search,” and “Celebrity Deathmatch,” and film credits consist of “Text Me” (NYC International Film Festival – Best Actress Nominee; Houston Comedy Film Festival – Best Actress Nominee), “Paper Man,” and “House of D.”

Reiner is an award-winning stage, screen and television actress. Recent theatre credits include Tina Modotti in Modotti, Hillary (The Public), the Obie winning An Oak Tree, Jayson with a Y (The New Group), Anais Nin:One of Her Lives, Wasps in Bed, Pentecost (Drama Desk Nom.) and the NY Premiere of Tender. Recent films include “The Vicious Kind,” “Not For Nothing” “Arranged,” “Schooled,” “ One Last Thing,” “ Sideways” TV includes recurring role of Cindy on “The Starter Wife,” “ 30 Rock,” “White Collar,” “The Sopranos,” “Blue Bloods,” “Law and Order,” “Love Monkey,” “The Jury,” “The Drew Cary Show,” “The Practice,” “Family Law” and “Jack and Jill,” and the new web series “Puppy Love.”

The acting is generally strong, particularly on the part of Fraser. When Reiner lost the hippie garb and blonde wig, she came all the more alive as an actress of poise and presence. While she exuded impassioned emotion as hippie Harpie, her costume was distracting, and her rants grew tiresome.  Shackner's appealing as the daughter, but her performance had moments of affectation. Fraser's portrayal of a dress designer/seamstress struggling with her own demons is compelling and tinged with compassion.

The play does offer disturbing moments, i.e. when Fraser, heatedly tears up the stitching of the daughter's homemade homecoming gown....and poignant moments, i.e. when Shackner quietly asks the million dollar question, "Who decides what makes a mother?"

Writer and director Wendy Beckett has written more than 25 plays (all staged) and directed more than 40 in England, France Scotland Australia and New York. A native of Australia, she has also written radio plays for the Australian Broadcasting Commission (ABC). She later went on to conduct interviews for ABC with some of the best minds of our time, including Leonard Bernstein, Yehudi Menuhin and Martha Graham. At the early age of 22, she founded her own women’s theatre company, ‘Colours Inc’ and began bringing to the stage several plays, which toured Australia. Her most notable works include Without Limits-Isadora Duncan, Anais Nin-One of Her Lives, Claudel, Losing My Religion, Love Therapy and Refugees. Her directorial credits include works by Shakespeare, The Cherry Orchard, Waiting For Godot and The Women of James Joyce. Recently, she has directed her own work, For the Love of Alma Mahler at the Sydney Opera House, accompanied by the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. She has been a university lecturer, author, librettist and journalist. Ms. Beckett’s works are collected by The Australian National Library in Canberra.

Scenic design is by David L Arsenault, with lighting design by Travis McHale and costume design by Theresa Squire.

The playing schedule for A CHARITY CASE is as follows: Tuesdays at 7pm, Wednesdays through Saturdays at 8pm, with matinees on Saturday at 2pm and Sundays at 3PM. The Clurman Theatre is on Theatre Row – 410 West 42nd Street (between 9th and 10th Avenue).  The show is 85 minutes, no intermission.

SPECIAL OFFER: $30 TICKETS (reg. $35)
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*Ticket prices include $1.25 facility fee. All sales are final. Regular service fees apply. Subject to availability.

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Dr. Kalyani Gopal, author, "The Supportive Foster Parent: Be There For Me"

FACT: There are nearly 700,000 children in the foster care system. At any given time, 200,000 get to go back home. 408,000 remain with their foster families.


FACT: 1/3 of foster parents give up due to their own frustration


FACT: 40% of American children have insecure attachment. This rate doubles for children in foster care.


FACT: Failures in foster care are sometimes due to lack of knowledge and skills.


FACT: 16-25% of homeless children were funneled through the foster care system


FACT: Approximately 80% of those incarcerated have been in the foster care system.


Q: Dr. Gopal, your book seems to have struck an important chord in people, and filled an important need. What led you to write this book?

Thanks Cyma! Every day I see four to five new foster families and each day I seem to be repeating myself over and over again about the pitfalls and joys of foster parenting, the unique coping mechanisms and how to bond with someone else’s child. It dawned on me finally, that there was a dearth of adequate information about the nuts and bolts of foster parenting for new and current foster parents including those who are experienced foster parents. I felt in order to improve the lives of our foster children and prevent destabilization of good homes; we need to educate our foster parents, child care advocates, and administrators.

Q: Your book provides a myriad of factual tips for approaching this journey from many different angles. It appears as if this is an objective, nonemotional approach to a very emotional and often trying experience. Did you intend to write this in this manner?

Yes. Most foster parents are overwhelmed with the day to day drama and emotional issues these children present for no fault of their own. Foster parents usually do not have any time to read a book peaceably. So, this was written in a simple, factual, straightforward manner with the intent to address a myriad of issues in a plain speaking matter of fact approach. I have written the book the way I speak to foster parents every day! They appreciate the honesty and lack of bells and whistles to the issues of foster parenting.

Q: What one fact continuously strikes you when working with this group?

That foster parents do everything they can to bond with their foster child, but they do not realize that the child is going to resist the bonding because of the primary alliance with their biological parent. They take this rejection very personally and as a result feel unappreciated.

Q: What little known fact do you wish to inform/educate the public about?

A foster child is not just any child – she/he is very special in terms how they live their lives. Each night they go to bed not knowing if they will be returning to the same home after school the next day. Foster kids are picked up from school and transported to a brand new foster home with no warning or preparation. These anxieties are deep and the average child or family does not share this daily trauma.

Q: You place much emphasis on the impact and parenting skills of the parent. However, many parents, themselves, have hidden wounds that often emerge after parenting (esp. a difficult child) begins. What can you say to this group?

What a fabulous question. It was this very issue that kept me burning the midnight oil when I wrote this book. I have had foster moms break down and literally weep when a child says innocently that she/he is scared of their foster mother. They are devastated as they were either from abusive homes themselves and have opened their hearts and homes to this child. That is why I state at the very onset of the book that even if you open your home to welcome a child, that child does not want to be in your home. The attitudes towards their own biological mother and/or father are transferred to the foster parent, all of it and if the child was beaten and abused by their mother, they will be scared of their foster mother doing the same.

Q: Many new older mothers cannot successfully conceive, and are therefore looking into adopting or fostering children. What advice can you offer this group?

Definitely adopt a child. These foster kids are amazingly beautiful, once you have their trust. They are more loving, caring, and empathic than even a biological child can be due to their deep sense of gratitude. If they act out, it is only because of the unfairness of their lives, the sense of not worthy of being loved. So, certainly adopt and foster and shower them with love the way they can handle it not necessarily the way you wish to show it. The rewards are immense. Foster parents often are described as ordinary people doing extraordinary things. Be the extraordinary parent by fostering or adopting.

Q: In writing this book, what one overriding theme do you wish to convey?

Children who enter the foster care experience multiple changes in placement due to lack of knowledge on the part of foster parents with regard to how to parent these children. They cannot be parented the way we parent our biological children. So no matter how successful parents have been with their biological children, they can set themselves up for failure with foster children and fall first into confusion and then depression. This causes many family problems. This should not be happening. Foster parents armed with the knowledge in this book and others such as this one, should have all that they need to achieve success in foster parenting. Knowledge of what to expect and how to handle crisis situations is power, and I wanted to EMPOWER all foster/adoptive parents.

Thank you for your time. I intend to purchase this book for my dear, single 54-year-old-friend, who intends to become a foster mother for the very first time. She will appreciate this!

Motherhood, Like a Fine Wine by Margaret Hart

I'm excited to start blogging for Motherhood Later. I've been a professional writer and editor for more than 20 years, but this is my first time as a blogger. In thinking about my qualifications, I guess I've been blogging since I was a kid. In elementary school, my mother said I'd lay on the living room floor and hum, while writing a story or a poem. In middle and high schools, I wrote letters, had pen pals, and like every teenage girl, I kept a diary. In college, I wrote poetry and short stories, and I kept a journal, encouraged by professors during my semester abroad.

So where to begin? A good introduction, I thought, would be the start of my motherhood journey. I was well over 35, but to be honest, I didn't feel older. Being older has been a gift. While other, younger moms were having their first kids, I was observing and learning, and taking mental notes. When it was my turn, I was scared, but calm and more self-assured. My friends would comment how I just didn't seem to get flustered by the baby and toddler years. It's true no one is ever truly prepared to become a parent, but being an older mom definitely gave me advantages often envied by younger moms.

When you get right down to it, though, whether you become a mom at 25, 35 or 50 (a good friend of mine just became a first-time mom at 50!), we are all faced with most of the same challenges and joys of parenting. Still, I often can't help doing the math. When I'm in my 60s, my son will graduate from college, and hopefully I'll still be cool enough to throw him one hell of a graduation party! When he's in his 40s, chances are I'll be in a nursing home, despite my efforts to stay fit and eat right. I probably won't be here for him like my parents are here for me today. That's reality, but I don't have to like it, and it makes me cry. But being a "glass is half full" kind of person, I tell myself I'm doing everything I can to be the best parent, and hopefully when my time comes, I will have left my son with a legacy of independence, strength, courage, and love to face life's challenges without me.

I admit I sometimes feel sorry for myself, wishing I had married younger and started a family sooner. But had I taken that path, I would have missed out on all the bright lights of the big city that I experienced living and working in New York City in my 20s and 30s as a writer and editor, traveling the world for business and pleasure, and not to mention, dancing until dawn at most of the famous clubs of the 1980s. It wasn't a conscious choice, I just lived my life knowing that when the time was right for me to get married and have a family, it would happen.

Today, I don't really think about being an older mom a lot, and I try not to let myself do the math. When I feel my thoughts drifting there, I remind myself that I am blessed with the most incredible little man in the world. I try to refocus, and to just live in the moment, enjoying the simple and complex pleasures of being a mom. As weird as it sounds, I've enjoyed staying up all night changing bed sheets after rounds of vomiting. I wear it as my badge of motherhood! I know I'm stronger having survived my son's severe allergic reaction to penicillin that nearly hospitalized him. I've developed a thicker skin defending my son against bullies and honed my diplomatic skills with parents who have no boundaries for their children. I've also loved every off-key concert performance, and cherished every home-made Mother's Day present. And I have way too may boxes filled with school projects and artwork.

Most of all, I am grateful for the love and laughter my son brings to me every day, and the opportunity to be a mom -- his mom! Speaking of laughter, I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard when, on the way home from a Halloween event, my 6 1/2 year old son handed his vibrating pumpkin lantern to his best friend and said, "Put this on your penis--it feels good!"

For me, motherhood just keeps getting better, like a fine wine! And I drink it every day!

GUEST BLOG POST: Creating Work-Life Balance by Diane Lang

We all struggle with work-balance. We have busy lives and at times it can all seem a bit overwhelming. The truth is you won’t always have a perfect work-life balanced life sometimes your life will be chaotic but the good news is there are tips to help you handle the overwhelming days and regain your sense of balance and happiness. Here are a few tips that can help you feel a little more balance is your daily life.

1. We feel the pressure from both work and home but if you don’t like your job, you will feel it more often. If you have a Career instead of a job, you will feel happier going to your office. You will have “Flow” at work. Time will pass quicker and you will enjoy your day if you’re doing what you love. Most of us spend at least 60 hours a week working (this includes e-mails, calls and texts even after 5pm) add your commute and you realize how much time you really spend at work. If you’re doing something you don’t enjoy, you will feel it right away. As a mom, you have to remember you have two jobs. The first being a mom, the second is your job outside of the home. If you’re not happy at your outside job it will affect your role as a mom. Follow your passions and feel more balanced.

2. Home time – when your home, spend some real time with your family. This means set some time aside for family time without taking calls/texts from work. Dinner time is very important. It’s not just about what you eat, it’s about communication. This is the time for everyone to discuss their day. Ask questions that need more then a yes or no answer to keep the discussion going.

3. Live in the here and now – people feel stressed when they focus on the past even though it’s gone and they worry about the future that isn’t here yet. Use your past to learn from and plan for your future but live in the here and now. Live in the moment! It’s like the saying goes: Stop and smell the flowers. When you live in the moment, you will enjoy your life; this is a great lesson to teach your kids. Your kids learn through role modeling, observation and imitation, let them see you enjoying each and every moment.

4. Set a long term goal (1 -5 years). Set up short term goals to reach that long term goal. Make both goals realistic. The key word is “Realistic”. If your goals aren’t realistic, you will feel overwhelmed and will procrastinate. If they are realistic, you will accomplish them and with each accomplishment you will feel a sense of positive reinforcement which will motivate you to move forward and reach your long term goals.

5. NO- Learn to say no. Practice makes it easier. I wish there was another way around it but the truth is the more you say no, the easier it will get. I know a lot of people have a hard time saying no due to guilt or fear of hurting someone’s feelings but the truth is when you say YES but mean NO, you only hurt yourself. You becomes stressed and then angry at yourself. Say no.

6. Mental breaks – throughout your day make sure to take mental health breaks – this is 15-20 minutes to breathe, take a walk, refuel, grab a bite to eat, etc. I remember at my first job (many years ago) every four hours of work we would get a 20 minute break. This should be the rule even if your self-employed, stay at home mom, etc. make sure you give yourself that 20 minute break. When you take small breaks, you will feel refreshed and more creative/productive.

7. Start the day off with extra time – wake up 10-15 minutes earlier then your family this gives you “me” time to get up, stretch, have coffee or just wake up before the chaos of the day starts. You will feel more refreshed to handle the day.

8. Support system – to feel balanced and happy, we need a small support system. We need 4-5 people in our lives that we trust and can call upon if needed.

9. Vacation time – make sure to actually use your vacation/personal time at your job. It’s there for a reason. Unfortunately, a lot of us don’t use our days at all and most only use some. We need leisure time. It gives us a reward (positive reinforcement), something to look forward to and socialization. Plan your vacation with your family, it gives everyone something to look forward to and if you plan it together, you will pick a place that everyone will enjoy which means you can all have a great vacation!

Lang’s first book Baby Steps: the Path from Motherhood to Career, stresses striving for balance, health and happiness rather than “having it all.”  She offers a workshop “The Mom Series” in the NY metro area, to assist mothers returning to work.  Seminar topics include postpartum depression, overcoming guilt, finding a new identity in the workplace, plus interviewing, networking, etc.  Lang contributes to Working Mother and parenting blogs and is an Adjunct Professor in Psychology at Montclair State University and Dover Business College. Mother to eight year old daughter Lauren, she holds an M.A. in Counseling and a B.A. in Liberal Arts from the New York Institute of Technology. Visit http://www.dlcounseling.com.

GUEST BLOG POST: Letting Go Stirs Us Up by Loren Buckner

I lost a ring recently. It belonged to my grandmother. She gave it to my mother, who gave it me. I was planning on giving it to my daughter. I've turned the house upside down looking for it. I thought I knew where it was, but when I went for it, it was gone.

The interesting thing about this is that when I knew where the ring was I never thought about it. Now that it has disappeared, I can't get it out of my mind. To feel better, I remind myself that no one is sick and no one has died. I've lost a thing not a loved one. Loss has a trickle down effect, though; one loss flows into others.

As parents, we tend to think about what it means to have children. We don’t focus very much on how difficult it is to let go of them. We know it's important to be present in their lives and we want them to know that they can count on us. There's an inherent problem, however, that catches many parents, mothers especially, by surprise. As we create meaningful relationships with our children, we also become deeply attached to them.

Feeling this deep connection is wonderful. It helps our kids develop inner security and self-confidence. Watching them grow up and away from us is a source of pride and joy but it's also sometimes painful.

Separation begins early. Allowing babies to amuse themselves alone in their cribs and encouraging them to reach out toward other people begins the process. As we support separation, children will look forward to starting school, making friends, trying new things. Eventually they learn to drive and finally go off to college or out into the workforce. It’s a step-by-step repetitive process of their leaving and returning, leaving and returning. Our task is to face the emotional storms these milestones stir up.

I can still remember how I cried as I prepared to stop nursing my children. When I left them at daycare, I could hardly bring myself to walk out the door. I couldn’t wait for them to go off to camp, but then I missed them terribly every day they were away. As much as I was ready for our son to go off to college, it hurt my heart that he was really gone. And when it was time to launch our daughter, I was excited and proud. But the reality that she was grown and ready to fly also made me feel sad and lonely.

Don't get me wrong. My children's developmental milestones generated feelings of relief and delight. As they became more independent, I loved the growing sense of freedom that went along with it. When arguments about bedtime, homework time, and mall time became things of the past, it felt pretty darn good. And when the worry about where they were and who they were with was finally over, there was cause to celebrate.

Nevertheless, part of the normal parenting process also includes mourning. Feelings of sadness and loss that we have to address over and over as our children grow and change.

Mourning our losses may seem like a painful idea. “Shouldn’t I try to forget about my sadness and move on?”

Mourning is painful but not mourning is painful too. Holding our feelings inside and denying their existence doesn’t mean our feelings are gone. It’s a little like leaving food in the refrigerator for too long. At first we are completely unaware the onion is even in there. But, gradually, the whole refrigerator smells bad.

Grieving is like taking the onion out and wiping down the inside of the fridge. Not a chore we like to do but one we feel better about after it’s done.

“So, what do I have to do? Sit around and cry all day?” Not exactly. Mourning is allowing our thoughts and feelings to wash over us: crying, remembering, laughing, thinking about the good times and the bad ones too. From time to time, allow what comes to mind to linger there.

Although the ring is probably gone, I'll keep looking for it. I know now that the feelings it has triggered go beyond the ring itself. I still miss my mom, who died many years ago, and I'm feeling a little sidelined as my kids lead their busy lives.

These emotions I'm feeling aren't easily put into words. They're a fact of life, a normal everyday occurrence. And yet, I mourn for these losses as I get ready to start my day.

The author of ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life and How To Deal With Them, Loren Buckner, LCSW received a B.A in the Administration of Justice from American University and earned a Master of Social Work degree from Tulane University. She is a Fellow at the International Psychotherapy Institute, a member of the Chinese American Psychoanalytic Alliance, and a member of the Tampa Bay Psychoanalytic Society. Loren Buckner lives in Tampa, Florida, where she is in private practice as a psychotherapist. She is the mother of two grown children and has been married for over thirty years. A sought-after speaker and presenter, Loren has addressed local, national and international groups about the emotional challenges of raising children


Visit Loren Buckner on the web at: http://www.parentwisebook.com/.

Stopping Traffic by Robin Gorman Newman

My son has long been a Rescue Hero in the making.  That's when he's not busy being a CSI Investigator, SWAT Team member, Policeman, Fireman, EMS worker, Spy, Power Ranger, etc., etc.

He has an impressive collection of baseball caps emblazoned with a wide array of motifs fitting these various bills.  He has costumes replete with pants, vests and accessories that further feed the frenzy.  On top of that, he has Nerf guns, play handcuffs, flashlights, etc.

Add to all that a widely vivid imagination and a deep desire to do good/help people, and you never know what can result.

I witnessed it first hand at an impromptu playdate last week.  A friend he sits with on the bus popped over after school to give him something, and he wound up staying for two hours.  Thankfully, the rain had finally subsided, and they opted to play outdoors.

They rode bikes up and down the street, but when the paraphenalia and role play started to break out, things took a more complex turn.  I was watching them for some time, and then retreated to my office where I could see them out the window.  But, I learned that I can't turn my back for 5 seconds.

The phone rang, and it was my next door neighbor Jill, who we're friendly with.  She asked, "Do you know that Seth and his friend are stopping traffic?"  I was stunned...embarassed (for not knowing)...thanked her for calling and bolted out the door.

I should have taken a picture of what I saw.  Seth was on one side of the street in front of the house, and his playmate in crime was on the other side across the street, and they had strung a piece of plastic rope across the road so cars had to stop.  They also put out plastic cones that Seth likes to play with when he's creating a "construction zone."  Very authoritatively, they proclaimed they were stopping cars as they endeavored to drive down the block, to make sure they were wearing seatbelts.  They took huge pride in pointing out the Fed Ex truck they had also stopped, and how the driver thanked them for so dilligently trying to protect people.

I ordered them off the street and to gather their gear from the road and tried to explain how, while they meant well, there are people in this world who might not embrace their efforts.  What if they ran into someone like that?  Seth then showed me a hammer (real one) he had taken from our garage, and how he was prepared to use it in self defense if needed.  Part of me was glad he had thought of that, but I certainly didn't want him engaging in a fight.

He and his friend both complained how I ruined their fun.  And, I suppose you could say I did.  But, what's a mother to do?!  I need to somehow help channel his desire to do good and play security into a safer mode of expression.  What, at the moment, I don't know.

What also concerns me is that I now feel I can't let him out of my sight for even a brief period, even in front of the house.  That's all it takes for something to happen, and even in the safest of neighborhoods, bad things can result.

Next time, my son goes to play outside, perhaps I'll join his SWAT team or whatever it is at the moment.  I'm sure he'd welcome the additional manpower, and I'd have an up close 'n personal look (and control) over the situation. Stopping traffic is not a game I'd recommend.

Clarity in the Dark by Robin Gorman Newman

Like many, we lost power due to Hurricane Irene last week.

Unlike not so many I know, we lost it for seven, nearly full days, but who's counting?!

Most I personally know lost it for a few hours or days.

Nothing prepares you for this.  We returned from vacation just the day before, as planned, knowing we were coming home to a less than stellar situation, but we had to secure the house.  We lost power in the past, and tend to be prone to it, given all the trees in my neighborhood (that add much beauty, but wreak havoc during storms),  But, 7 days broke our record and exceeded the timeframe LIPA (our power company) stated.  Had we had some realistic sense, we would have taken action like giving away our food, instead of seeing it go to waste.

Despite our supply of flashlights, push button lights, book lights and a lattern, the situation remained challenging.  No hot water.  No cooking.  No air conditioning.  No electric garage.  No internet.  No television. No house alarm.  No door bell. No charging a cell phone. When you think of lack of power, lights readily come to mind, but so much more is involved. 

I had planned to get certain things done.  It was the last week before school, and I was counting on playing catch-up from our time away, with an eye toward easing Seth into third grade.

Irene had another plan...and as my beloved mom used to say, may she rest in peace, "we make our plans, and G-d makes his."   Amen to that.  Sometimes a situation is way bigger than us, despite our desire for some semblance of control, and ultimately it's how you choose to react to it.

While it often felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, valuable life lessons and positive experiences emerged.  I'd like to share...

*Don't be afraid to ask overtly for help.  One of my close local friends had her husband pick us up the first night of the blackout so that we could eat with them and be in comfort.  It was SO hugely appreciated.

*Not everyone handles things the same. A friend or two said to me, if it's so stressful, why not leave?  Since they hadn't picked up the phone to actually talk to me, they couldn't fully appreciate how I was feeling and why we didn't want to leave, i.e. my bird was home with us in a rather large cage, my hormones were raging (that time of the month), our house alarm didn't work (we were concerned about theft), we couldn't lock one of the garage doors we had opened manually (also theft concern), etc. Until you live in someone else's shoes, you might not fully grasp their take on things.  Certainly if it had been scorchingly hot at night and we were unable to sleep, I would have looked for shelter elsewhere.  I've never been one to simply flee a situation, unless I have no choice.

*You can't always just put a "band-aid" on a situation.  We are aware that getting a generator is something to explore, but it's not an easy, affordable or overnight decision.

*Television and technology can take a toll.  While I know I spend much time with both, taking this forced hiatus made me realize how freeing it is to give yourself a break. Initially I felt like I was having withdrawal, but after some time, I grew more accepting and valued the quiet. Thankfully, I did have a Blakcberry, that helped me to feel connected.

Aside from the insight I gained, I treasured the time with my son Seth.  He was such a trooper.  By day, we kept busy, seeing friends, buying batteries, driving around to charge my cell phone and his DVD player.  But, it felt like the two of us (my husband Marc was working) against the elements.  By night, after we ate out dinner (despite a night dining by flashlight....not big on candles with a child), we'd snuggle in bed and watch a DVD.  He slept with me, since he's afraid of the dark, and Marc slept in his bed.  Granted I didn't often sleep well since he's restless and kicks or pokes, but it was worth it.

One day, Seth made a really poignant comment.  He was eating ice cream and we talked about how fast it was melting.   He said that "time melts away too."  I asked what he meant.  And, he said he didn't want to get big too fast.  I asked why.  And, he explained he wanted to play with his toys for a long time.  It was such a tender moment, as I realized that while part of me hoped the time would pass quickly so we'd soon regain our power, I've never liked the notion of wishing time away.  My son is already 8, and third grade started this Tuesday.  He's becoming a big boy before my eye, and even though I felt "powerless" with the lack of power, we have the power to control our thoughts, and what we choose to focus on, and relish the memories we create.

I will always remember Seth and the hugs we exchanged in the darkness, when his little arms reached out for me as his protector.  And, while he didn't know it, he was a source of strength for me as well.  There was one day, when I felt so particularly drained, that I was on the verge of tears.  Because of Seth, I fought them back.  While he has seen me cry before, in this situation, I wanted to be a rock for him.

While we couldn't see each other fully at night in the dark house, our hearts were together, as I hope they will always be as the years drift by.

Nature vs. Nuture by Robin Gorman Newman

My husband invited Seth and I to spend two nights with him in East Hampton on a business trip, and we just returned last night.

Originally I wasn't sure if we'd stay one or two nights, but we had such a great first day, that we decided to stay.

Marc worked at his client, and I drove his car around.  It was Seth and I by day, and we had a blast.  We visited South Hampton, Sag Harbor and Amagansett.  Shopped til you drop, and also hit the streets of East Hampton.  We managed to squeeze in a swim, and had some nice meals out.

Seth has been my shopping buddy since he was little.

I used to take him to the supermarket where he'd help put the bottles and cans into the return machine, and we'd make our way up 'n down the aisles, where he picked out food he'd like to eat, and I pointed out things like coconuts, which was another comical blog post I wrote. I treated it as an educational/bonding experience.

My real  shopping treat is rummaging the racks of TJ Maxx. It's the thrill of the hunt...and bargain prices.  Seth often came with me.  We had a pact....we shop for mommy, then we shop for Seth.  I never promised I'd buy him a toy.  Sometimes I did...other times not...didn't want him to expect that each time we entered a store, he'd come out with a goody.  And, he came to understand.

He is generally patient and even offers his opinion if I'm contemplating make a purchase I'm not sure of.  He he has good taste.

It's led me to think about nature vs. nurture.

When I've shared with mom friends about the way Seth and I shop together, some are amazed.  They say they could never do that with their sons.  But, I wonder if part of it is training..the experience you share with them and how you make it fun.  Or, do they just assume their child wouldn't rise to the occasion, without giving it a go?

Is it possible someone is just an innate shopper?  And, what about other activities that we might think they'd won't like or they haven't been groomed for?

It's easy to reach a conclusion in advance, and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Seth is always eager to join me on a shopping trip, as long as I make sure there are interesting things for him to look at and that I don't overdue any time in the fitting room.

I'm grateful for his company and am glad that this is one activity we can share since there are so many boy toys, games, etc. that aren't the easiest for me to embrace.  For that, he has his father, friends, or does some solo play.  But, I do want to continue to cultivate a close relationship with him as the years go by, and while shopping isn't all that we do together, it is something that works for both of us...even if just window shopping.  Part of the fun is the exploration and the mommy/son time.

Are there things you do with your child that you raised them to enjoy?

Are there activities you wish they'd embrace?

GUEST BLOG POST: 10 Things My Kids Tell Me with Their Hearts by Leta Hamilton

In our family, bedtime is a special time of day when I can focus on my kids without the distractions of media and TV. It gives me a chance to listen with my whole self and not the divided self that juggles work, dinner, dishes and demands from three children, who have their own perspectives on the world.

It is during the bedtime routine that they talk to me with their hearts. They know I am there for them and won’t run off to answer an “important” email (like anything could be more important than my kids, the cultivating of their souls and the joy they bring to the earth). If I were a seamstress, I would make bed sheets of the top ten things they have told me with their hearts during the hour we spend before bedtime brushing teeth, reading stories and just talking. My sheets would read:

• Take time to play with me and learn from the point-of-view of a child whose world is full of curiosity, discovery and diligent determination to understand new surroundings.

• You are only as grown-up as your last birthday – life is a continuing journey, and we shouldn’t be disappointed with ourselves for not knowing then what we know now or what we are just learning.

• If the day seems to be going completely crazy, then a good option is to just sit down and read a book or take a nap.

• Nothing is more important than love – the love you give, the love you receive and the love you grow through kind words and genuine deeds.

• The more tips you give me about life the better. I am learning from your example, so talk to me often about what it all means and there is less chance I’ll be totally confused.

• Your words make a difference. Am I “naughty” or is the thing I just did an uncooperative choice for the good of all? Please refrain from giving the message that I am “bad” in and of myself.

• I love you. I love spending time with you. I love making things with you. I love sharing my life with you. Can we spend a portion of each day just telling each other how much we love and appreciate the other?

• I make mistakes sometimes and so do you. Let’s learn the art of forgiveness together.

• What you did yesterday is a distant memory. What I did is too. The time is now. The time is always now.

• If you can learn from me as much as I learn from you, then we both will be enlightened during this journey toward my adulthood. It’s a learning curve for both of us. I have lots to teach you. Are you ready to be a student?

If I had these 10 things printed on my kids’ sheets and was forced to read at least one of them every night while tucking them in, I would be a much less neurotic mother. They are telling me all the time through their antics that life is about more than how successful I am as a radio show producer or writer. It is their wisdom from the heart that reminds me that I am the sum of my inner most beliefs about myself and they give me the courage to continually search within to remove the obstacles that are keeping me from being at least mostly at peace.

What I “do” is not nearly as influential as who I “am” in the world. With kids to keep me on my toes, I can strive to always be the highest version of myself: that person I want to be. In this way, I know I am a better mother and they reward me with their words of affirmation and cuddles. If not all of the time, then enough of the time to let me know I am on the right track. Their hearts speak volumes, and I am learning to listen.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Author Donna Scrima-Black

Q: What was your inspiration for writing "MommyBest: 13 Inspirational Lessons Derek and Dylan's Moms (and maybe yours) Never Learned in School"?
A: I had two major inspirations: my two boys, my two joys! First and foremost, it’s my way of paying tribute to the greatest gifts ever bestowed upon me - giving birth in my mid-thirties to my first and then second son—18 months later. It’s also my way of shouting out to the world: “Hey, do you women out there feel the same as I do, blown away by the transformative journey you’ve taken into motherhood? What happens to the carefully laid-out itinerary for our lives once we have children? Like me, do you need to connect with other moms about traveling into these unchartered waters, often losing your way? Do you need some Cliffs Notes and a way to share your thoughts about discovering which choices make the most sense for you to live the life you and your family so desire? “

Q: What are some of the lessons you offer the readers?
A: The lessons found in MommyBest are designed for “everyday” moms and aspiring moms who are the real “Superstars” in changing the lives of those they touch! MommyBest was designed with the understanding that women have little time, so they can read the lessons in any order, whichever seems relevant at the time, and then use the Reader Reflection Page to jot down their own responses to one day use as a springboard, if they so choose, to create their own family story. The topics range from dealing with children growing-up so quickly, to parenting opposite children, the importance of moms’ friendships, to what it was like to be an identical twin to the importance of nurturing a child’s relationship with “Grandma.”

Q: You chart an interesting course from professional woman to CEO of your house. Can you describe this change?
A: Moving up the homemaker ladder of success takes time as it took time to climb the corporate ladder. In exchange for a business plan, you’ll be following a different set of guidelines orchestrating your Life plan—preparing for your greatest investment ever: your child. During the first few months of staying at home with my son, I was in overdrive. I set tangible goals including reading several books daily to him, in order to feel as if I was accomplishing some measurable level of success, as I had at my job. Although others were urging me to rest when my baby slept, I continued to run on autopilot. I was programmed to perform on an efficiency schedule at work, so I transferred that mindset to my motherhood role, even trying to bake homemade cookies for my guests who visited. In contrast to my job, I felt completely scattered in my homemaker role at first. There was no job description, paycheck or accolades from my boss/coworkers; no power lunches or even coffee breaks. In fact, I didn’t even know when to eat lunch and had very little social interaction. It took me a long time to learn how to simply enjoy the time with my son and celebrate the many intangible moments of play and wonder.

Q: What has been your greatest challenge and your greatest failure, as a mom?
A: My greatest challenge and failure as a mom has been taking time for my husband and I to nurture our own relationship, separate from the time we spend together as a family. Since we don’t have relatives close by, we don’t have a ready-made support system for us to schedule “alone time.” It’s been a long road for me to begin to trust others with my children, but now that my boys are older, I’m becoming more relaxed about it.

Q: You are also an identical twin - an experience that has shaped your view of the world. What advice would you give women raising twins/multiples?
A: First and foremost, treat your twins/multiples as separate siblings: nurture each sibling’s strengths and recognize what makes each unique and develop those skills. Celebrate their individuality by allowing each to choose clothes, hairstyles and more.

Q: What methods do you utilize to take care of yourself?
A: (Some of my) Methods include listening to music, walking and yoga. The music helps me connect my past, present and future because I became an avid lover of music when I was a toddler, listening and dreaming all my “big girl” dreams. Walking allows me to exercise my body and soul while yoga helps me to connect with my inner being. I also spend time with my childhood best friend who, no matter how old we become, we still feel as if we’re teenagers getting into mischief.

Q: What preconceived notion did you have prior to embarking on this new career, which is now clearly dispelled?
A: I never even thought motherhood was a career—and I never gave my own mother enough credit for all the hard work she performed and how she never once complained about anything she did for us. Since women have so many more opportunities today, I thought motherhood was something women should do--in addition to whatever else they were doing. I learned it’s the most challenging “career” there is and finding the unique balance in my own life of home and career is constantly changing as I evolve as a woman.

Q: As new older moms, the experience of raising children is often intermingled with caring for aging parents, combining successful careers, and maneuvering through a "new world." What methods have you used in charting your own course?
A: When we wait to have our children in our thirties or even our forties, as many of my friends have, we often have to chart the course of our lives and possibly change directions. My best strategy for dealing with balancing all of our lives, including dealing with aging parents, is to handle one piece of your life at a time. Otherwise I become overwhelmed and I don’t do anything well. I get quiet during an overwhelming period and assess, then prioritize what I need to do first. I also find talking with friends who are going through, or have gone through similar struggles, really helps.

Q: You talk about the "Birth of a New Mother" - a phrase which resonates with me and one that I clearly love for myself. Tell me what this means to you?
A: “The Birth of a Mom” is a phrase that I use to describe the moment when my son was born. A Mom was also born: ME! I never could have imagined that the instant I held him for the first time, he reached into the depths of my soul in a way that no one before had. An indescribable bond was created and my life was magically transformed. From that moment on, no matter what else I became, or did, I was Derek’s Mom-- and then Dylan’s Mom—above all else that I have or will do.

Q: What's the single most important lesson you'd like to share with other mothers?
A: The single most important lesson I would share with other moms is to trust your “mother’s instinct” in everything involving your children. It’s the most accurate compass out there, more powerful than all the so called “experts” who will advise you on ways to raise your children. Gather and listen to those who try to help. Take what works and leave the rest. This also applies to those who will tell you that you may be “too old” to raise children. When I was a young girl, I recall sharing how I wanted to be a “young mom.” Well, while I was in my twenties, I was too busy exploring my own life. I wasn’t ready for kids. Our lives are not cookie cutter images for us to follow. Each of us has a unique path to follow, regardless of those breadcrumbs our cartoon characters left for us to search for in a make believe world. Keep it real when it comes to your own motherhood journey.

Donna Scrima-Black is a former advertising executive and teacher with a Master's Degree from Fordham University. "MommyBest”...is a tribute to her sons and dedicated to all moms journeying through the joyful-sometimes-tumultuous-motherhood waters to create the best life for themselves and their families. Visit http://mommybestbook.com.

GUEST BLOG POST: Staying Anchored in Safe Waters by Lisa Levine Bernstein

My daughter, Jordana, barely one year old, wanted to join the “party.” A cousin of mine and I were enjoying an after dinner chat in the living room of my tiny NYC apartment and Jordana was wailing and crying in an effort to be released from her crib in the bedroom.

Jordana, now an amazingly social 20 year old, must have been angry with me for maintaining her bedtime routine while there was still an opportunity to socialize. I was not uncomfortable with her anger which I credit to my first job in psychiatric nursing.

As a staff nurse on the brand new eating disorders unit at the now defunct Gracie Square Hospital, I was anxious to be liked by my patients. It was a struggle for me to maintain the unit protocols, intended to maintain a therapeutic milieu, when it involved the wrath of one of my patients. Then, while I was discharging Julia, one of my particularly rude and aggressive patients, she thanked me. Julia appreciated that I kept her on track and made her “tow the line” despite her angry outbursts. What an amazing lesson in human nature!

In the years to come, in subsequent psychiatric nursing jobs, I often experienced the anger of patients and became more comfortable acknowledging their anger while still maintaining good limits. Admittedly, raising children is different than taking care of psychiatric patients, however, I have found that the practice of firm but loving limits apply to both. Children do not want to be in charge, and find it frightening to feel like they are the captain of the family ship. Even when they protest (and they will because that’s what various developmental stages “require” them to do), they want to know that an adult is steering the ship and keeping the family anchored in safe waters.

The world can be a frustrating place. When a child runs the show at home, she does not learn that there are barriers to getting what you want. Setting and keeping clear limits allows your child to build tolerance for frustration and actually makes his or her life out in the world happier.

When Jordana was born, followed twenty months later by Zoe, I was able to be a strong, loving parent who set limits from the start. I felt secure in their love despite tantrums directed toward me. Now that my daughters are nineteen and almost twenty-one, I know that learning how to care for patients like Julia was great training for parenthood.

So what can you do to stay anchored despite the ups and downs of childhood?

• Set clear limits and provide simple explanations (I cannot talk to you right now. You will have my full attention when I am off the telephone.)

• Be consistent but flexible depending on the circumstances (You can stay up past your bedtime because we have company.)

• Give your child time to adjust to changes and stick with what you have communicated (We will be leaving the party in five minutes.)

• Provide “time out” in the same room as the parent or caregiver so your child has time to calm down without feeling rejected.

• Let your child know when your own feelings are getting in the way (I am so angry right now that I will take a few minutes to calm down before we talk.)

Setting and keeping firm limits when your child is angry can be difficult but you will get better at it with practice. The bonus is that, over time, your child will protest less when she learns what to expect and you will enjoy each other’s company more!

Lisa Levine-Bernstein, MSN, RN, FNP has been dedicated to helping families create meaningful relationships. Her direct experience with parents and children spans over two decades. Lisa is a psychiatric nurse, an Adjunct Assistant Professor at LaGuardia College of the City University of New York and a school nurse at Great Neck North Middle School. She is a parenting workshop leader and teaches parent/child yoga and nutrition.

 Lisa holds a BS in Nursing from the University of Pennsylvania, an MS in Nursing from Hunter College of the City University of New York and qualified as a Family Nurse Practitioner at SUNY Stony Brook.

Having been on the front lines of parenting herself, raising four children (including two step-children who lived with her as teenagers), Lisa personally understands the challenges and rewards of raising successful children. Visit her site http://www.parentingsuccessfulchildren.com/.