The Art of Surrender for Mothers by Leta Hamilton

During those years of our lives we call “motherhood,” the act of surrender begins from the very moment of conception. Whether or not we have been able to naturally conceive, nature chronicles a list of events over which our minds have little or no control. What we want and what we receive are not always the same. Take my current pregnancy, for example.

Like any responsible married couple, my husband and I have always taken family planning seriously. I started out our marriage on the pill until we felt ready to enter the world of parenting. Then I had our first child (a son) and went back on birth control until we were ready for the next one. That did not turn out to be so easy. Almost 3 years and a miscarriage later, we finally did have that second baby (another son). Next there came an impromptu pregnancy that really did not fit into the “responsible parenting” category. We played with fire and our third son is the outcome. He’s cute and we love him, but we thought, “Three really is a lot. Let’s stop while we are ahead.”

Enter the vasectomy. My husband very willingly had this procedure to keep the number of children to three. Two years later, I was wondering why I seemed to be gaining weight when I was jogging every day and eating a very healthy diet. The lack of menstrual cycles had an excuse in the fact that I was still breastfeeding our 2 year old. The sore nipples were chalked down to his teeth. My head was buried deeply in the sand until I started feeling the butterfly movements of a fetus.

Why is it that I am pregnant again with a fourth child (another son) when some women are unable to conceive even once? The physical reasons for this do not diminish the fact that in birth and parenting, life can seem awfully unfair. The act of surrender reveals itself to be the only alternative when faced with circumstances that are not of our conscious choosing. I have had to surrender my feelings about having a fourth child, my career as an author and radio show host and many other ideas onto which I clung about my family and life.

Letting go of what we “wanted” to embrace what is, is an art. It takes practice. It takes time. Over the last 2 months, I have learned to surrender this pregnancy, this new baby, this unexpected new direction in our family life and so much more because, quite frankly, I really did not have another choice. This baby wants to be here. It chose us for his parents and it kept really quiet until there was no turning back. Other options like surrogacy and adoption do not feel like choices. It is our baby and we will welcome him into the fold.

What occurs for each of us will be unique to the individual circumstances of our lives. However, to surrender all that we are unable to control or manipulate is a universal movement for which we can support and embrace. I cannot explain into fairness why I am “blessed” with a child that was not planned (in fact, was proactively planned against!) and another woman is unable to have even one child. What I can do is ask friends and family to understand my feelings of reservation and spend a certain amount of time each day in quiet meditation to emotionally let go of all my previous expectations so that there is room for what is really happening.

Surrender allows us to be grateful for the things happening in our life, no matter how unfair it may seem on the surface. It is all a learning experience. This pregnancy is teaching me the art of surrender. With an effort that follows conscious realization that there are things over which I am powerless, I can let go of previously adopted notions about who and what I am “supposed” to be in this world and, instead, embrace the me that is here right now writing these words.

I am big. I am overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby. I am scared. I am also incredibly fortunate to have a husband who loves me, 3 beautiful sons who will adore their new baby brother and an extended network of family and friends upon whom I can rely during the intervening years of parenting a house of testosterone! It is what it is. Surrender has, by necessity, become an art at which I am gratefully adept.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.

GUEST BLOG POST: Optimistic Parenting: A New Look at Helping Parents with Challenging Children by V. Mark Durand, Ph.D.

You’re pushing a grocery cart through the aisles of your local supermarket and your son spots the candy bars. He points and says, “Candy!” Almost at once you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Going through your mind are flashes of shopping trips past. Last week, your son started screaming for candy and you resisted. He yelled louder and people looked at you and you knew they were thinking what a bad parent you are. You felt embarrassed and ashamed. So this time, instead of saying no to taking the bag of candy off the shelf and opening it, and despite knowing that this is probably a mistake, you allow him to eat from the bag while you finish shopping. So goes a typical day in the life of a parent with a challenging child.

Parents are inundated with advice about how to deal with behavior problems such as tantrums, bedtime disruptions, refusing to eat healthy foods, or just not listening. My colleagues and I have worked with thousands of mothers and fathers who have these challenging children. What we find, however, is that most parents have pretty good instincts. For example, they know you shouldn’t give a child candy when he misbehaves. However certain thoughts and feelings get in the way of their good judgment. Thinking that everything is out of your control, that others (for example, your mother in-law, friends at the park) think you are a bad parent, that you feel you are a bad parent, or that your child may not be capable of changing are very common among parents.

In a recent large study, we found that many of these parents used language that revealed pessimistic attitudes. For example, someone who is highly pessimistic might describe a child’s trip to the supermarket this way – “Shopping with my child is a disaster.” On the other hand, parents who are more optimistic might describe the same type of experience in this way – “My child is not yet ready for long shopping trips.” The parents with pessimistic thoughts had a harder time helping their child. So we decided to help these pessimistic families recognize their styles of describing situations and have them practice more adaptive optimistic styles. By presenting these alternative styles of describing difficult situations, we help them to understand how their ways of viewing challenging circumstances can adversely affect their parenting. We then have them practice more adaptive optimistic styles.

Our results? First, we were able to help mothers and fathers who had these pessimistic thoughts to be more optimistic. And, importantly, parents who became more optimistic were better able to follow through on the good parenting skills we taught them and their children became much better behaved. Finally, they felt better about themselves and their child’s future. They were happier!

The techniques we used in this study are outlined in a new book – Optimistic Parenting: Help and Hope for You and Your Challenging Child.  In addition to tips for handling behavioral problems in children, I outline ways to become more optimistic and therefore more successful as a parent.

Ten Tips to Optimistic Parenting

1. Explore your thoughts and feelings before, during and after meltdowns. Practice noticing these experiences so you can see later if they help or hurt your parenting skills.

2. If your spouse or partner doesn’t help – ask why. Just as your thoughts and feelings interfere with good parenting, so might your spouses’ self-doubts or doubts about your child. This involves the seemingly obvious but often very difficult issue that confronts most couples – “communication.”

3. Believe you are a good parent. When you add up all you do for your child, the positives far outweigh any occasional lapses you may experience. Focus on the positive.

4. Believe your child can change. All of our experience tells us any child can improve his or her challenging behavior. It helps to believe this and expect more from your child.

5. Take care of yourself. You can’t help your child if you are hurting. Give yourself permission to occasionally be “selfish.”

6. Leverage – don’t multi-task. Doing two things at once means you may be doing two things poorly. If you’re stretched, try to combine activities with your child that achieve multiple goals (for example, having your child help set the table, which gets the chore done but also provides a learning experience).

7. Parent in the moment. Keeping reminding yourself to focus on what is happening right now with your child (for example, having a good bath) rather than other things (for example, thinking about what to make for dinner while bathing your child).

8. List three good things that happen each day. We sometimes have a tendency to focus too much on negative events (for example, a bad tantrum in the car) rather than on the positive ones (for example, playing nicely with siblings). Each night practice reminding yourself of the good things that happened that day.

9. Express gratitude toward those who help you. One of the most powerful exercises in becoming a happier person is expressing gratitude. Thanking those who help you with your child (including your spouse or partner, if appropriate) will make you feel better and will make the other person feel better as well.

10. Sometimes bad is OK. Feeling bad sometimes is inevitable for everyone. Accept the fact that there will be “down times” and don’t fight them. As they say, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.”

V. Mark Durand, Ph.D., is known worldwide as an authority in the area of autism spectrum disorders. He is a professor of psychology at the University of South Florida St. Petersburg, where he was the founding Dean of Arts & Sciences and Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs. Dr. Durand is a fellow of the American Psychological Association. Before moving to Florida, he served in a variety of leadership positions at the University at Albany–State University of New York (SUNY–Albany), including Associate Director for Clinical Training for the doctoral psychology program from 1987 to 1990, Chair of the Psychology Department from 1995 to 1998, and Interim Dean of Arts and Sciences from 2001 to 2002. There he established the Center for Autism and Related Disabilities at SUNY–Albany. He received his B.A., M.A., and Ph.D. degrees in psychology at Stony Brook University.

His books include several best-selling textbooks on abnormal psychology, Severe Behavior Problems: A Functional Communication Training Approach (Guilford Press, 1990), Sleep Better! A Guide to Improving Sleep for Children with Special Needs (Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co., 1998), and When Children Don’t Sleep Well: Interventions for Pediatric Sleep Disorders, Therapist Guide (Oxford University Press, 2008).  For details on Optimistic Parenting, visit
http://www.brookespublishing.com/store/books/durand-70526/index.htm.

GUEST BLOG POST: Weeding Through Well-Meaning Advice by Dana Rosenbloom

The minute you let people know you are pregnant, it begins. Mostly you’ll hear “Oh you’re pregnant? You have to…” Or, “I tried this and it’s the best.” Or, “I used this item and it’s a must.” Or, “You know everyone does this/uses this doctor/subscribes to this technique.” It can be endless! And advice is forthcoming for expectant parents, first time parents, and parents on their 2nd and 3rd children. To be sure, most of this advice is well-meaning…but there’s so much of it. How do you know what to listen to and what to let go?

Consider this:

1. Any advice, item, or technique has to work for your family. In my practice, I view each family as its own culture. In this way, I help families identify the points that are important to them and how to use parenting techniques to fit in to that framework. For example, there are many benefits to your child having a 7:30 bed time. Maybe all of your friends are doing it! There’s nothing like peer pressure in parenting. If your reality is that you don’t come home till 6:30 and your partner is home at 7:30, you probably won’t want to put your child to bed at 7:30. This advice is not for you!

2. Any advice, item, or technique has to work for your child. If we look at the scenario above, the final decision about bed time has to consider your child. If your child goes to bed at 9:30 and wakes up in time for school, wakes up well-rested, and wakes up able to function well and maintain their routine, then no one can tell you that it’s the wrong time. It may not work for a child who requires more sleep or for a parent who needs their child awake at an early hour for class or day care. But it may work for you. This concept can apply to bottles, bouncers, scheduling and many other decisions parents face.

3. The “Go-To” Person. Each of us has a friend, family member or mentor who is our “go-to” person. This person has proven him or her self over time to give advice or comfort that strikes a chord. It may be the person who seems to have warm, loving, respectful relationships with their children. It may be the pediatrician your OB introduced you to, who you’ve been speaking to throughout your pregnancy and who just seems to “get” your temperament and your ideal parenting style. It may be the friend who works in education whose ideas and interactions with children you respect and admire. It may be your father or mother-in-law (figured I’d throw that one in for good measure). The point is, follow your gut. Often, the person who knows you well and whom you trust will give you specific advice that will help you be the best parent you can be.

4. If you aren’t sure, ask. When you hear advice that you might be interested in trying, consider your child’s behavior, temperament, and tendencies and then talk to your partner. See what he or she thinks. If you still aren’t sure, ask an expert. That’s what we’re here for! Many professionals will answer a quick question without requiring a consultation or session. If the question or issue is more complex, it’s probably worth setting up the appointment. In the end, you’ll have the support you need to make the best decision for you and your child.

Dana Rosenbloom has a Master's degree in Infant and Parent Development and Early Intervention from Bank Street College. She is a certified Early Childhood teacher in both general and special education. Dana has been working with children and families in a variety of capacities for over 10 years. In addition to providing services through Dana's Kids, she is both a classroom teacher and a special instructor for children enrolled in Early Intervention. Dana's Kids provides parent education, play therapy, special education services, parent workshops and support groups, and professional development. Dana considers herself to be a "reality-based" therapist, who takes each child's and family's specific situation into consideration before making suggestions. Visit Dana's Kids. Empowered Parents, Happy Families.