I Am Just Plain Tired by Leta Hamilton

How to beat the too-tired blues.......

Listening to the radio this morning, the woman being interviewed said that we think, on average, around 68,000 thoughts per day and that over 80% of those thoughts were negative. For a mom, my guess is that half of those thoughts center one theme: I’m tired. Because we are tired, our patience levels are lower, our tempers are shorter, our appetites for carb-laden foods is greater, our sense of humor takes a beating and life is just not as much fun. But there is a way to beat those too-tired blues. 

Here is my method:

First of all, I know what I am. In the book Brain Rules by John Medina, he writes a whole chapter on sleep. He describes the different sleeping patterns to which humans adhere. There are “early birds” and “night owls” and a range of patterns in between. The important thing is to understand where you fit in to the scale of early/late risers. With that knowledge, you can more proactively establish your own sleeping schedule that matches what your body instinctively needs. After reading this book, I gave myself permission to go to bed earlier and rise earlier because I was able to confirm to myself that I am an early bird and I do not have to feel guilty for going to bed at 9pm every night. Now, I get the sleep my body wants.

With this change in my sleeping patterns, I have been able to rise earlier and have a bit of time to myself in the morning before the kids wake up. Even with four kids, I am still averaging around an hour to myself in the morning before they wake up. This “me time” has made a huge difference in the overall mood of the day. Things just work smoother when I am rested AND have had that time for my morning coffee with no interruptions between 5:30 and 6:30am.

I use my car for resting. When the kids are sleeping in the car, I rest too. Sometimes I sit in my driveway for an hour or more just lying in the front seat with my eyes closed. It is an irreplaceable opportunity to use the excuse of their sleeping to have some enforced downtime. I can choose to rest, read a book (always have one handy) or check messages on my phone. Whatever it is, my car time is a treasured part of my week.

There is exercise in my life. It isn’t much, but it is scheduled. With an infant, I am spending around 30 minutes each evening walking around the neighborhood. It’s about as long as my husband can supervise a baby that isn’t on the bottle yet. With this time, I move my body and clear my head. Its therapeutic benefits cannot be overemphasized. And, because I do it in the evening, I am finding I sleep better.

Lastly, I give myself the privilege of child-free time in which to accomplish some things that just aren’t easy with kids around. That way, I finish personal projects that have little to do with children. The trade off is we spend a certain amount on childcare every month, but my sanity is saved. Having uninterrupted time in which to write my articles, check my emails and order my groceries online is worth the money we pay in babysitting. It also allows me to recoup some of that expense through doing things that add to the household income. 

There may be things that you do to beat the too-tired blues. I would love to hear them. Share them at www.thewayofthetoddler.com. Until next month, happy sleeping.

Mission Statement for Motherhood - by Leta Hamilton

As 2012 approaches, I am going to challenge you to write a Mission Statement for Motherhood. This simple technique takes the letters in “Motherhood” and uses them to encapsulate your core values as a person and as a mother. For example, my Mission Statement for Motherhood is as follows:

M = Measure their success by the amount of joy they experience.

O = Open my door when they knock and listen for when they are standing there, but afraid to knock.

T  = Take the time for my own personal and spiritual growth.

H = Help with life and homework, but do not do it for them.

E = Engage with them as people, rather than just as “kids.”

R = Read and Review my Mission Statement for Motherhood often to remind myself of what matters.

H = Harness their passions to the best of my ability and help them master the skills of their dreams.

O = Organize my own life to be fulfilled outside of my kids and my role as parent.

O = Offer myself the same amount of unconditional love I give to them.

D = Demonstrate to the best of my abilities those qualities I most want to pass on – Unconditional Love, Tolerance, Respect, Humility, and Personal Responsibility

This Mission Statement for Motherhood is printed out, framed and hung up in two locations in my home. In the kitchen I can see it as I go about fulfilling the tasks of mother in the communal nature of family. It is here that we eat our dinners, work on our homework and discuss the ups and downs of our day. Next to the light switch just as you enter the kitchen, I am constantly reminded to be mindful of what I consider sacred about life and motherhood. It is not that I have to read it all the time, but it is of tremendous value just being there, knowing that it is available for reading during those moments when I suddenly realize I have forgotten to see the forest for the trees.

It is also in my bedroom hung next to my dresser. This is my personal space where I brush my hair, put on my makeup and prepare my inner self for the new day. It is also the last place I stand before heading into the bed for night. Here my Mission Statement for Motherhood acts as a trigger to bring everything back to center and to that place where everything begins and ends – my inner self. Again, there is no pressure to read it word for word. Its presence is simply a metaphor for the energy that will take me back to a place where I feel at peace. With all the chaos of life and motherhood, I value this metaphor. I need it. Inner peace is a place from which I deviate often.

The process of writing my Mission Statement for Motherhood took several weeks. I wrote draft after draft until I was sure I had a version I would love for the rest of my life. For some, they may choose to write new ones at various intervals of the motherhood path. Who knows? I may change mine at some point down the line. For now, though, it is enough to have it written, printed and framed on my walls. I love having them there. If you have never considered writing a Mission Statement for Motherhood, I would encourage you to write one now, especially as we close up this year and head into 2012. A Mission Statement is the defining statement for a business and so too it can be for our lives. With that clarity, things become much easier. Ease is a treasure every mother can appreciate. Blessings and Happy New Year to you and yours.

Watching Your Children Suffer by Leta Hamilton

My husband is reading, of all things, a history of the Donner Party (The Indifferent Stars Above by Daniel James Brown for history buffs reading this). I seem to keep picking up this book and reading random passages of unspeakable horror. It has, to say the least, solidified my appreciation of food. What I find particularly hard to fathom is the heartbreak it must have caused those mothers to watch their children slowly fading away before their eyes. And yet, only yesterday, I was faced with a heart break of my own when my 7-year son sobbed uncontrollably after a particularly tough week at school. There is no bully involved, nothing tangible per se to which I can point a finger or in any way “fix.” If only it were that simple. No, it is just a case of a little boy trying to find his way in a big, confusing, world where friendships and school work are not as always as easy as he would like them to be.

As mothers, we will all face moments when we must watch helplessly while our children suffer. Our mothers, no doubt, did the same with us and perhaps it is something that largely went unnoticed. I know my son has no idea how much his tears yesterday have affected me – resulting in no shortage of my own tears and a blog post to boot! If we cannot solve all of our children’s problems, nor do I believe we are really meant to, what can we do when we see our children in pain for which there is no answer?

For me, all that I could offer my son in that moment was the space for him to release his pent up frustrations and obvious sorrow over the difficulty he was facing with the challenges of second grade. Then I was able to go one step further and provide reassurance of my acceptance and unconditional love for him. This may not have been totally satisfactory, but it was enough to see him through the tears and into the evening as a happy 7-year old, safe in the comfort of home. With him finally settled, I did some soul-searching of my own.

Did I have the strength to let him be sad and go through this knowing that part of his journey is to navigate the stormy seas of second grade? My experience of second grade was pretty good. I met my best friend in second grade and she is still my best friend to this day. I don’t remember having much difficulty with school work, but I am not my son and he is not me! I must accept that his experience of life will be unique to his spirit. I do not have to judge what he is currently going through as either good or bad. All I have to do is hold the space for him to communicate his feelings in a safe environment, do what I can when and where it makes sense (like picking him up from school from now on instead of making him ride the bus home) and offer him unconditional love and authentic acceptance for who he is now in the world.

Apart from that, I can continue to do the soul searching I am called upon to do as pain and sorrow arise in my own life experience. I am always and in all ways a role model to my children. They see so much more in my actions than they hear through my words. The women of the Donner party had to find the strength within them to use the meat of their fellow travelers to keep their children alive. I, thank God, do not have to make such a choice. However, as my heart breaks and will no doubt continue to break, over the suffering of my four sons as they become men, I will also have choices to make about how I respond to that suffering. Sometimes it takes the greatest strength of all to do nothing, to let your child pass through a storm and into greater understanding on the other side. All the while, how can I break free of my own chains? With fewer burdens, my soul is free to soar. Now especially, while they are so young, I have the chance to carry them to the mountaintops of personal responsibility and true authenticity.

Five Lessons Learned While Waiting for Labor to Begin by Leta Hamilton

My house is a mess, and I don’t feel ready to have a baby, but my body is saying, “READY! READY!” Can’t I have everything exactly the way I want it before bringing this baby into the world? There is nothing in my medical history or past birth experiences to merit anything other than a vaginal delivery of baby #4. I know, for me, this is the way it is meant to be. For other moms, a scheduled c-section or induced labor is par for the course. And while a part of me may envy their foreknowledge of when and where their baby will come, I also have a deep reverence for the route I am going. In this time of “any time now,” I am learning five important lessons about what it means to be at peace in an uncertain world.

1. Not knowing when my baby is coming forces me to be present in a way that is otherwise rare. I took out my calendar this morning and looked at my plans for the week, knowing that they may or may not happen – and also knowing that if I missed a meeting because of bringing new life into the world, it would be ok. I am grateful for the opportunity to be present with my body, my family and my schedule. It is a refreshing change from the norm!

2. The waiting and the messy house gives me an opportunity to work on those areas that mean the most to me and let go of the rest. What can I live with? Where do I want to deploy my energetic resources when every time I walk through the house I feel like a whale swimming through molasses? Today I showed my husband where the baby blankets, newborn clothes and diapers were. Secure in the knowledge that I won’t have to think about these things when I am pushing out my baby, I feel like that is pretty much it – we are ready.

3. I am practicing self-compassion and taking the time to rest so I have the energy to do the things I most want to do. Yesterday I had three things in my schedule and I did none of them. Today I have two things that I don’t want to miss and I have the energy to attend them because I took other, less important things, off the agenda yesterday. I am learning how to make compassionate choices that create more harmony within. Physically, I may feel like a whale, but the peace that comes with self-compassion more than makes up for it.

4. Looking into the future is a game. Will he come before or after Halloween? He may be born on Halloween for all I know. All of this uncertainty is a metaphor for how life treats us generally. There are always unforeseen events in our existences. This is a given. Having this time to deal with a big unknown gives me tools for dealing with the surprises that I know are forthcoming. Giving birth over to nature allows me to participate in the cycle of life in a way that is congruent, not adversarial. This flow brings overall peace and I am grateful.

5. Finally, the mystery about the exact day and time I will go into labor brings complications into the picture that serve to enhance my ability to surrender what I cannot control over to the universe. There is a saying, “If you have a problem and can do something about it, why worry? If you have a problem and can do nothing about it, why worry?” It will be alright, no matter what mania surrounds me in the first moments of active labor. I know this. I may not be ready for a nighttime birth with my two year old sleeping next to me, but I know that in the moment I will have a solution. This is faith and a sprinkle of it over my overall approach to life has much needed benefits to my peace of mind.

All of the above are guiding lights toward a peaceful heart in the midst of chaos. As every mom knows, family brings an abundance of that. I know this time of waiting is a deepening of tolerance for whatever mayhem awaits me. With 4 kids ages 7 and under, I need this growth to my spiritual perspective. It’s perfect just the way it is – whale belly swimming through molasses and everything.

The Art of Surrender for Mothers by Leta Hamilton

During those years of our lives we call “motherhood,” the act of surrender begins from the very moment of conception. Whether or not we have been able to naturally conceive, nature chronicles a list of events over which our minds have little or no control. What we want and what we receive are not always the same. Take my current pregnancy, for example.

Like any responsible married couple, my husband and I have always taken family planning seriously. I started out our marriage on the pill until we felt ready to enter the world of parenting. Then I had our first child (a son) and went back on birth control until we were ready for the next one. That did not turn out to be so easy. Almost 3 years and a miscarriage later, we finally did have that second baby (another son). Next there came an impromptu pregnancy that really did not fit into the “responsible parenting” category. We played with fire and our third son is the outcome. He’s cute and we love him, but we thought, “Three really is a lot. Let’s stop while we are ahead.”

Enter the vasectomy. My husband very willingly had this procedure to keep the number of children to three. Two years later, I was wondering why I seemed to be gaining weight when I was jogging every day and eating a very healthy diet. The lack of menstrual cycles had an excuse in the fact that I was still breastfeeding our 2 year old. The sore nipples were chalked down to his teeth. My head was buried deeply in the sand until I started feeling the butterfly movements of a fetus.

Why is it that I am pregnant again with a fourth child (another son) when some women are unable to conceive even once? The physical reasons for this do not diminish the fact that in birth and parenting, life can seem awfully unfair. The act of surrender reveals itself to be the only alternative when faced with circumstances that are not of our conscious choosing. I have had to surrender my feelings about having a fourth child, my career as an author and radio show host and many other ideas onto which I clung about my family and life.

Letting go of what we “wanted” to embrace what is, is an art. It takes practice. It takes time. Over the last 2 months, I have learned to surrender this pregnancy, this new baby, this unexpected new direction in our family life and so much more because, quite frankly, I really did not have another choice. This baby wants to be here. It chose us for his parents and it kept really quiet until there was no turning back. Other options like surrogacy and adoption do not feel like choices. It is our baby and we will welcome him into the fold.

What occurs for each of us will be unique to the individual circumstances of our lives. However, to surrender all that we are unable to control or manipulate is a universal movement for which we can support and embrace. I cannot explain into fairness why I am “blessed” with a child that was not planned (in fact, was proactively planned against!) and another woman is unable to have even one child. What I can do is ask friends and family to understand my feelings of reservation and spend a certain amount of time each day in quiet meditation to emotionally let go of all my previous expectations so that there is room for what is really happening.

Surrender allows us to be grateful for the things happening in our life, no matter how unfair it may seem on the surface. It is all a learning experience. This pregnancy is teaching me the art of surrender. With an effort that follows conscious realization that there are things over which I am powerless, I can let go of previously adopted notions about who and what I am “supposed” to be in this world and, instead, embrace the me that is here right now writing these words.

I am big. I am overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby. I am scared. I am also incredibly fortunate to have a husband who loves me, 3 beautiful sons who will adore their new baby brother and an extended network of family and friends upon whom I can rely during the intervening years of parenting a house of testosterone! It is what it is. Surrender has, by necessity, become an art at which I am gratefully adept.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.

GUEST BLOG POST: 10 Things My Kids Tell Me with Their Hearts by Leta Hamilton

In our family, bedtime is a special time of day when I can focus on my kids without the distractions of media and TV. It gives me a chance to listen with my whole self and not the divided self that juggles work, dinner, dishes and demands from three children, who have their own perspectives on the world.

It is during the bedtime routine that they talk to me with their hearts. They know I am there for them and won’t run off to answer an “important” email (like anything could be more important than my kids, the cultivating of their souls and the joy they bring to the earth). If I were a seamstress, I would make bed sheets of the top ten things they have told me with their hearts during the hour we spend before bedtime brushing teeth, reading stories and just talking. My sheets would read:

• Take time to play with me and learn from the point-of-view of a child whose world is full of curiosity, discovery and diligent determination to understand new surroundings.

• You are only as grown-up as your last birthday – life is a continuing journey, and we shouldn’t be disappointed with ourselves for not knowing then what we know now or what we are just learning.

• If the day seems to be going completely crazy, then a good option is to just sit down and read a book or take a nap.

• Nothing is more important than love – the love you give, the love you receive and the love you grow through kind words and genuine deeds.

• The more tips you give me about life the better. I am learning from your example, so talk to me often about what it all means and there is less chance I’ll be totally confused.

• Your words make a difference. Am I “naughty” or is the thing I just did an uncooperative choice for the good of all? Please refrain from giving the message that I am “bad” in and of myself.

• I love you. I love spending time with you. I love making things with you. I love sharing my life with you. Can we spend a portion of each day just telling each other how much we love and appreciate the other?

• I make mistakes sometimes and so do you. Let’s learn the art of forgiveness together.

• What you did yesterday is a distant memory. What I did is too. The time is now. The time is always now.

• If you can learn from me as much as I learn from you, then we both will be enlightened during this journey toward my adulthood. It’s a learning curve for both of us. I have lots to teach you. Are you ready to be a student?

If I had these 10 things printed on my kids’ sheets and was forced to read at least one of them every night while tucking them in, I would be a much less neurotic mother. They are telling me all the time through their antics that life is about more than how successful I am as a radio show producer or writer. It is their wisdom from the heart that reminds me that I am the sum of my inner most beliefs about myself and they give me the courage to continually search within to remove the obstacles that are keeping me from being at least mostly at peace.

What I “do” is not nearly as influential as who I “am” in the world. With kids to keep me on my toes, I can strive to always be the highest version of myself: that person I want to be. In this way, I know I am a better mother and they reward me with their words of affirmation and cuddles. If not all of the time, then enough of the time to let me know I am on the right track. Their hearts speak volumes, and I am learning to listen.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.