What's the Plan?...by Liimu

"Would I plant your feet on an unsecured ladder? Its supports may be hidden,
but if I have asked you to step up, then surely I have secured the ladder."

That was sent to me by a friend of mine, excerpted from Messages from God. It's such an important idea - that when God (or whatever you believe in) makes a path available to you, why would you doubt that it's the right path?

When I found out I was pregnant, I told a friend of mine and she was so worried for me. "You've only recently gotten your finances under control," she said, "and you have a hard time managing with the three you have." Not sure what she expected me to do - I was married with three kids who had been begging for a baby brother for years. What am I, gonna go to Planned Parenthood and "take care of it?" Let's not even talk about the fact that my husband had been saying for months that he had a feeling someone was missing from our family and that maybe we should have one more.

I didn't say any of that to her. I told her, "We weren't doing fertility drugs, charting ovulation or even really paying attention to when we were having sex. Clearly this is God's plan and in my experience, God doesn't come up with half a plan. He doesn't drop something like this in your lap and then go, 'Oh, but good luck with affording it - that's on you.' I'm not saying that doesn't happen to people, but it doesn't usually happen to me. Usually, when God throws a curve ball it's because He has a much better plan than the plan I came up with and if I just go with it, He takes care of whatever pieces of the plan I can't handle. That's just my experience. If God felt we were to be blessed with another baby, I'm quite sure he's going to help us figure out how to manage and pay for raising him."

And sure enough, my consulting business is now booming, and I'm experiencing my best year ever. I'm having fun doing what I love to do, and I'm making more than enough money to afford this new addition to our family. Fortunate, because my husband just got laid off.

I know what you may be thinking - oh CRAP, and you just had a baby! No, no, no - don't feel sorry for us. This is a BLESSING! Before I got pregnant, I had told my husband this was HIS year. My business is in its fourth successful year. I can confidently say it is a successful venture. Now it's his turn. He has been in a job he hated for 14 years - time for him to live his dream of owning his own music studio and arranging and producing our music, as well as the music of other up and coming artists.

A couple weeks before he got laid off, we ran into a friend of my husband's (best man at our wedding, in fact) whom he had not talked to for nearly two years. We were playing tennis and he just happened to live right behind the courts. As it turns out, he need someone to help him run his sound company - perfect opportunity. Then, the day before he got the news of his layoff, he landed his first client - a woman from Buffalo commissioned him to write 3 songs for her. The funny thing is, I think God knew that even with all that Universal affirmation, Glen might get cold feet about pulling the plug on his day job. So, the layoff was the nudge he might have needed to run his music company full time. That's what I like to think, anyway.

I have a friend who's having a baby today. Like me, she's a scheduled C-section, underline "SCHEDULED." I got to the hospital at 12:00 pm and she was still waiting. When she was finally ushered back at 2:30 (her C-section was originally scheduled for 1 pm), we had spent two and a half hours chatting, laughing, generally relaxing her and getting her excited to meet her daughter. The first thing I said when I saw her was, "We make plans, God laughs." The only thing we can do is laugh right along with Him.

Have you laughed today?

GUEST BLOG POST: Weeding Through Well-Meaning Advice by Dana Rosenbloom

The minute you let people know you are pregnant, it begins. Mostly you’ll hear “Oh you’re pregnant? You have to…” Or, “I tried this and it’s the best.” Or, “I used this item and it’s a must.” Or, “You know everyone does this/uses this doctor/subscribes to this technique.” It can be endless! And advice is forthcoming for expectant parents, first time parents, and parents on their 2nd and 3rd children. To be sure, most of this advice is well-meaning…but there’s so much of it. How do you know what to listen to and what to let go?

Consider this:

1. Any advice, item, or technique has to work for your family. In my practice, I view each family as its own culture. In this way, I help families identify the points that are important to them and how to use parenting techniques to fit in to that framework. For example, there are many benefits to your child having a 7:30 bed time. Maybe all of your friends are doing it! There’s nothing like peer pressure in parenting. If your reality is that you don’t come home till 6:30 and your partner is home at 7:30, you probably won’t want to put your child to bed at 7:30. This advice is not for you!

2. Any advice, item, or technique has to work for your child. If we look at the scenario above, the final decision about bed time has to consider your child. If your child goes to bed at 9:30 and wakes up in time for school, wakes up well-rested, and wakes up able to function well and maintain their routine, then no one can tell you that it’s the wrong time. It may not work for a child who requires more sleep or for a parent who needs their child awake at an early hour for class or day care. But it may work for you. This concept can apply to bottles, bouncers, scheduling and many other decisions parents face.

3. The “Go-To” Person. Each of us has a friend, family member or mentor who is our “go-to” person. This person has proven him or her self over time to give advice or comfort that strikes a chord. It may be the person who seems to have warm, loving, respectful relationships with their children. It may be the pediatrician your OB introduced you to, who you’ve been speaking to throughout your pregnancy and who just seems to “get” your temperament and your ideal parenting style. It may be the friend who works in education whose ideas and interactions with children you respect and admire. It may be your father or mother-in-law (figured I’d throw that one in for good measure). The point is, follow your gut. Often, the person who knows you well and whom you trust will give you specific advice that will help you be the best parent you can be.

4. If you aren’t sure, ask. When you hear advice that you might be interested in trying, consider your child’s behavior, temperament, and tendencies and then talk to your partner. See what he or she thinks. If you still aren’t sure, ask an expert. That’s what we’re here for! Many professionals will answer a quick question without requiring a consultation or session. If the question or issue is more complex, it’s probably worth setting up the appointment. In the end, you’ll have the support you need to make the best decision for you and your child.

Dana Rosenbloom has a Master's degree in Infant and Parent Development and Early Intervention from Bank Street College. She is a certified Early Childhood teacher in both general and special education. Dana has been working with children and families in a variety of capacities for over 10 years. In addition to providing services through Dana's Kids, she is both a classroom teacher and a special instructor for children enrolled in Early Intervention. Dana's Kids provides parent education, play therapy, special education services, parent workshops and support groups, and professional development. Dana considers herself to be a "reality-based" therapist, who takes each child's and family's specific situation into consideration before making suggestions. Visit Dana's Kids. Empowered Parents, Happy Families.

Week 18...Too Too Tired by Liimu

I'm sorry. I wish I had some amazing words of pithy wisdom this week, but I don't. I'm working like crazy (just took on another contract), trying to manage my three children and all their varying degrees of dramatic mayhem (I got a call from the principal AGAIN about my 6 year old, who can't seem to keep her hands off the boys in her class...hair pulling in gender reverse...actually, not in gender reverse...she literally was pulling the hair of a boy on her bus). I am just so tired and so pregnant and swollen and just stop the world, I want to get OFF.

I still feel very blessed, don't get me wrong. I feel blessed to be so in-demand as a consultant. I feel blessed to have gotten spontaneously pregnant at the age of 40. I feel blessed to have the life I always dreamed of - a gorgeous husband, three beautiful girls, the house, the car, the friends, the family. But man, oh MAN, am I tired.

That's all for tonight, y'all. I'll try to be more ...um... inspiring ... next week.

Week 15...On Pregnancy Weight Gain by Liimu

I know, I know, we all get sick and tired of thinking about our weight, complaining about our weight, obsessing about our weight, and during pregnancy is the one time we won’t, don't, shouldn’t have to worry about it, right? WRONG.

My sister Skyped me a couple nights ago to say that someone had told her that the average pregnant woman only needs an extra 200-300 calories a day, and did I know that? Well, when I didn’t Skype her back (I was asleep – it was well past my normal pregnancy bedtime of 8:30), she worried that I got so pissed at her raising the issue of how much I should eat during pregnancy that I’d decided not to ever speak to her again. Seriously. It is that big an issue for many of us.

I’m not going to lie – my pregnancy weight gain stories have been pretty melodramatic, from the pregnancy where I gained 25 pounds by my first 8-week appointment (pregnancy #1 – I gained 90 pounds in all), to the one where I gained a mere 40 pounds (I weighed myself daily and worked out 5 days a week). I have run the full spectrum between not giving a single rat’s patootie to being borderline obsessive compulsive.

Last time I checked, we moms begin worrying the moment we pee on the stick. Is it really two lines? Is the second line too faint to really count? Will I miscarry? Should I have the amnio? Should I tell my boss? Will my husband still find me attractive? Will he mind if I don’t want sex? Will I be a good mom? Do we have enough money saved? Enough stuff for the nursery? Did I pick the right nanny/day care? Should I stay home with my kids? Will they welcome me back into the workforce if I take time off to be a mom? Will my kids resent me if I don’t? And on and on and on…So, do the doctors really have to add this little nugget into the mix, something over which many of us have so little control, especially when more than half of us are puking our guts up and just happy to eat whatever we can keep down and the rest of us are wishing we would puke already because we just spend the entire day feeling like we’re going to and eating is the only thing that seems to take away the nausea?

What I have come to believe is that as mothers, whether seasoned or first-time newbies, we have enough to worry about without adding some arbitrary guidelines about something we may have little control over into the mix.

Let’s take the 200-300 calories guideline, for example. I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m in my normal every day mode, I’m generally pretty diligent about how I’m eating and exercising. That means, I’m dieting. Pretty much all the time. OK, that’s not for everyone, I know. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’m just being honest. So, what I want to know is, when they say 200-300 extra calories, one would assume that’s on top of the regular maintenance caloric range of 2000 calories a day, not the Liimu-I’ve-been-dieting-since-I-was-9 caloric range of 1500-1600 calories a day. So, that means that by their standards I should be averaging between 2200-2300 calories a day. That’s significantly more than I’m used to, and about where I’ve been landing (at least since we entered the 2nd trimester and I stopped feeling like Sigourney Weaver in alien, except in my case the alien was going to gnaw it’s way through to the outside of my stomach, rather than popping out in a dramatic, scary burst).

And how about the guidelines around weight gain? I just read something today that said I should have gained about 5 pounds by now. Hopefully, they mean give or take 15 pounds. Seriously, though, I read a post on one of the pregnancy boards by a woman who weighed less than 110 pounds pre-pregnancy and when she went to her doctor for her 12-week checkup she had gained 6 pounds. He completely chastised her, saying for her entire pregnancy she should only gain 23 pounds. Where the hell did he get THAT arbitrary number? And honestly, there’s a part of me that feels like there should be a prerequisite for OB/GYNs to make commentary on the weight gain of their patients, unless they’ve been pregnant themselves or have seen their wives through at least three pregnancies. Otherwise, it should be like in the doctor’s office. You can not say anything derogatory or stress-inducing about the pregnant woman’s weight without a qualified nurse in the room, and by qualified, I mean she’s had a baby.

I’ve had three children, and have gained 90 pounds, 40 pounds and 65 pounds with them, in that order. Ironically, my first child just turned 8 years old and is nearly 5 feet tall and wears women’s size 8 shoes. She gets her incredible height from her dad and she’s not the slightest bit overweight. As for my second daughter, the nearly 7-year old with whom I gained the “ideal” amount of weight? A peanut. She’s in the 25th percentile and is barely an inch taller than her not-quite-4 year old sister. Not sure if there’s a correlation there, but I certainly intend to keep my eye on it. If this baby is tall enough to qualify for the NBA by the time he starts high school, I’ll get my answer.

And by the way, when I got pregnant with this child, I was within 5 pounds of my pre-first pregnancy weight, just like my mommy friends who gained 20-25 pounds with their pregnancies. My body knows what to do. It’s proven that time and time again. I’ve never had gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, preeclampsia or any other weight-related issues with my pregnancies and my children are happy and healthy.

Last time I checked, that was really what matters the most.

Summer Vacation and Silver Lining ... by Liimu

Ah....the honeymoon period. I am officially at the end of the 2nd trimester as I will be 13 weeks tomorrow. As a result, I have only the slightest lingering nausea and only the fatigue associated with having three small children and carrying around an extra 20 pounds. (Yep, you heard me...I gain a lot of weight when I'm preggo. What can I say?)

So, last week was our family vacation to Sea Isle. It was idyllic. We had gorgeous views of the ocean and bay and were renting a house right across from the beach. The kids had a fantastic time, especially the times we went to the boardwalk. I had remembered that there were certain rides you couldn't go on when pregnant. I hadn't realized it was pretty much ALL of them. In fact, here's a picture of the only ride I could go on without going against the posted warnings.

Despite my limitations, I had a great time. It was relaxing, the weather was hot and sunny, I had an adorable maternity bathing suit I got from Target right before we left, my family was getting along like something out of a Disney movie, and I didn't even have to work (...much). Then, my skin started breaking out. Bad. I was like, COME ON. I've already dealt with lost weekends where all I can do is eat and sleep (okay - that probably doesn't sound so bad to those of you who haven't experienced morning sickness before, but trust me - it's not the life of leisure it sounds like). I feel HUGE, even compared to women who are due in a month or two. Now I have to deal with this? Fortunately, I frequent the BabyCenter bulletin boards and I posted that I was having trouble. A couple women recommended a product you can get over the counter called Cetaphil and I bought it while I was down in Sea Isle. My skin cleared up almost overnight!!! I am in LOVE with this product. I'm still using it and intend to KEEP using it even after the baby comes. Hurrah!

So, all is well. There is always a silver lining in every dark cloud. I might not have gone on all the fantastic water rides if it hadn't been for the sucky amusement park situation. I might never have tried Cetaphil if my skin hadn't been going crazy. I am still trying to find the silver lining in my colossal weight gain, but I guess the nightly ice cream cones will have to suffice. Oh, and the beautiful baby I get at the end of this whole thing. Believe me, the miraculous blessing of this fourth child has not been lost on anyone in my family. My children kiss my belly goodnight every night and kiss it goodbye every day when they go off to school. We are all eagerly anticipating his/her arrival and I am really grateful to be able to share this part of his/her life with all of you.

Until next week, everyone....Happy Fall!!!

The Whole Plan (aka Week 11) by Liimu

One more week to go and I'm out of the first trimester. I have to say, I have never freaked out as much in early pregnancy as I did this time around. I still was not successful in waiting until the end of the first trimester to tell people (obviously, as I'm telling the entire world a la this blog), but that doesn't mean I wasn't nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs for the first few weeks I knew.

The amazing thing is that I got comfort from the most unexpected places. Friends I thought would have been at least happy for me, at most supportive and comforting, added to my anxiety by asking questions like, "Are you sure you can afford this?" and "Aren't you overwhelmed already? How will you manage a fourth child?" My response to that question was, "Look - we didn't push the issue of getting pregnant again. We left it in God's hands. God doesn't usually come up with half a plan." I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe in a Power greater than myself. My husband and I had agreed that if it wasn't meant to be for us to have a fourth child, that would be fine with us. If it was, God was going to just have to make it happen (which He/She did). I have a feeling that's the way all the rest of it will work out. It just will.

One of the places I got the most comfort, which I never would have expected, was from my mother. My mother always gave me the impression that she didn't want more than two children. (I'm number five, so you can imagine how that sat with me upon first knowledge.) When I got pregnant with number three, I distinctly remember her response as being fairly underwhelmed. So, I was very nervous about telling her about this fourth blessing. I talked to my sister, Claudia, about it - my best friend - and she encouraged me to give her a chance, to give a little warning, but assume she could rise to the challenge. That's exactly what I did.

Not only did she rise to the challenge, but when I shared with her my fears of miscarrying, she put them all to rest by reminding me that I had to stop thinking of the worst case scenario and remember that I had already had three healthy, uneventful pregnancies. "Your body knows how to do this," she reminded me, "and stressing about it is about the only thing you could do at this point to confuse it."

My midwife was equally unconcerned, though perhaps not as directly reassuring. I don't know that she knew how freaked out I was, that I checked the paper every time I went to the bathroom (I still do, actually - sorry if that's TMI). I combed the Internet for any information I could find on miscarriage symptoms or statistics and didn't stop until I saw the one that said that once you've had multiple healthy pregnancies, your chances go down to less than 4%. And once you've seen the heartbeat (which we have) they go down to less than 1%. And as much as I can't stand the weight gain, nausea, dry heaves, sore boobs, acne and fatigue, I still welcome each symptom as a sign of a healthy, developing baby inside.

But the bottom line is that I need to remember my own words to my friend: God has the whole plan. And that means that if the plan is for this child to be born into our happy, welcoming, loving family, it will. And that's up to God, who...last time I checked...I am not.

Until next week!

Infertility and Friends -- by Laura

I spent five years trying to get pregnant. Desperately. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through, and when the test finally came back positive, the world seemed like and all-you-can-eat buffet of joy. But not everybody was happy for me. And I understand why.

When I was trying to get pregnant, it seemed like everyone else in the world could get pregnant but me. Every other month I was pushing a shopping cart through Babies-R-Us, until I just couldn’t even drive past the exit without wanting to throw up in my mouth. There was only one other person in my life who could not get pregnant. One of my best friends. I’ll call her Liz. We had been friends for over 15 years, and when we were together, we laughed like mad women. And our lives seem to parallel in so many ways, so when we both started trying to have children, we believed were in it together, and together we would triumph.

At first we were sort of private about our attempts. We wanted to endure the dreaded two-week wait alone. But we went through the same treatments at almost the exact same time. We even had the same doctor for the first two rounds of IVF. But as we continued our treatments, Liz became more and more bitter and more and more competitive. She was a wealthy woman, so she could afford to do more rounds of IVF and go to private clinics with more personalized care. I knew my shots were limited, so I plowed through books, trolled the Internet, and joined an infertility support group to gather as much information as I could. When I would present my findings to her over coffee, she called me obsessed and dismissed the conversation.

Liz was right. I was obsessed. If you want to get pregnant when you’re 40, you have to be. So I was, and I did.

There came a day when I had to tell Liz I was pregnant, and I knew I wanted to tell her in a good way. I wanted to tell her before I told my other friends so she would not hear it second hand. I wanted to tell her quietly and in person when her husband was there so he could be there to support her. I wanted to be calm and quick about it, and make sure the conversation shifted to other things at the right time. I practiced. My husband shook his head.

The right time came to tell her. It was a late November morning, and I had just hit the three-month mark. I drove an hour to her house, brought her muffins, drank tea and sat in her kitchen chatting about nothing in particular. Just catching up. Then when the muffins were eaten and the tea finished, I did it. “I’m pregnant,” I said. I could hear her heart break. I knew that feeling. I had sat where she sat many times over the last five years. It is miserable. It’s as if a sheet of shame has settled on the heart because you know you are supposed to be happy. You know you are, but all you want to do is curl up in the corner and cry.

Liz stammered. And stuttered. And I could see her face flush while her mind raced. She kept swallowing even though the tea was long gone. Her husband came in the room and placed a hand on her shoulder. I began to talk quickly. I felt like I needed to apologize, and I remember saying how hard it had all been and that I was still scared. And it was going to be a rough pregnancy with twins. “Twins?” she said. “You have twins?” And I could feel her world fall out from under her.

I changed the subject to her. To her adoption process. To her job. And then I said I had to go. She was relieved. And when we said goodbye, there were no congratulations from her. There was no more acknowledgment. I didn’t expect there to be.

After that day, she did not reply to my emails. She did not return my phone calls. She sent me a Christmas card but did not sign her name. I did receive a mass email from her four months later that she had successfully adopted a baby girl. I sent her a note congratulating her and wishing her the greatest happiness, but I never heard back.

To say I was hurt and angry about it is an understatement. At the same time, I knew exactly how she felt. I hoped that with the adoption of her daughter that somehow we could mend things. That her heart would be put back together. I was going to reach out and send her an email, but then my husband said, “Why would you want to reconnect with someone who treated you so badly while you tried to get pregnant and then was unhappy for you when you did?”

He had a good point. But there are other things to consider. Infertility brings out the worst in people. It’s a sad, sad thing. It’s grotesquely painful. Did she act badly? Sure. Would I have done the same thing? I don’t think so. My friendships are precious.

Perhaps it is time to let go. Perhaps there wasn’t the friendship there that I believed was there. But if I let my heart speak, it has its own take on the situation. It wants to pick up the phone and call her, so we can laugh the way we used to. It wants to see an email from her in my inbox with one of her silly titles. It would even take a Christmas card she didn’t bother to sign.

Guest Blog Post: Review of MOTHERHOOD the Movie -- by PTA Mom

Synopsis: Eliza Welch (Uma Thurman) is a former fiction writer-turned-mom-blogger with her own site, “The Bjorn Identity.” Eliza lives and works in two rent-stabilized apartments in a walk-up tenement building smack in the middle of an otherwise upscale Greenwich Village. Starting at dawn, her to-do list is daunting: prepare for and throw her daughter’s 6th birthday party, mind her toddler son, battle for a parking space during an epic alternate side parking showdown, navigate playground politics with overbearing moms, and mend a rift after posting her best friend’s confession on her blog. On top of it all, Eliza decides to enter a contest run by an upscale parenting magazine. All she has to do is write 500 words answering the deceptively simple question, “What Does Motherhood Mean to Me?”

I had the opportunity to interview Katherine Dieckmann- the Director, Anthony Edwards, who plays the husband, and Uma. The movie background is interesting: 1) the movie was made almost entirely by women, 2) they shot it with a modest budget, mostly in the West Village in 25 days, and 3) Minnie Driver, who plays Eliza’s best friend, was actually pregnant in her third trimester, so they worked the pregnancy into the role. By working with mostly women on set, they tend to have been in your position before and / or have an understanding of what you’ve gone through because they’ve been there. So when one of the producer’s kids was sick, she brought him to the set so she could keep an eye on him. Kids were always welcome. How wonderful! That wouldn’t happen in most places of work. That’s why you see sick children being dropped off late to school with running noses or holding brown bags in case they get sick because their parents couldn’t find someone to watch them while they worked.
Besides supporting women in film, $1 from every ticket sold to Motherhood via website Fandango.com – during the film’s first two weeks – will go to benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Additionally, Anthony Edwards seems like a genuinely super nice guy in real-life (they all were, but heck, they are actors) and is taking part in the New York Marathon on November 1 for Shoe4Africa – an organization for which he sits on the Board of Directors – which aims for empowerment through sports & education, creating unique health initiatives, and promoting Aids awareness. 


Dieckmann based the script somewhat loosely on her own life experiences of raising children in NYC. And both Edwards and Thurman have children in the city- Edwards has 4, and Thurman 2, so they do understand the demands of being a “City Mama/ Dada.”

Although I thought it was a cute movie, and enjoyable enough, I didn’t feel a connection to the main character. Just because we are Moms and are connected by the shear fact that someone calls us that, doesn’t mean we are all the same. Yes, there is the mundane-- like picking up socks and shopping for goody bag items--which no one likes. Yes, we feel as if we may have “lost” a little piece of ourselves, and long for the days when your husband looks at you like you’re the sexy mama that you are and sometimes you may want to run away from it all, but do you really run away? Come on? Would you ever really get into a car on your daughters 6th birthday and drive to New Jersey? Go have a glass of wine, take a bath or whatever else it is that helps you calm down.

I guess I’m judgmental of her. Yes, I’m calling it out—I’m one of those. I’ve never taken my child to school in my nightgown, although I have put my child into the car and almost forgot to buckle him in, but I would never knowingly drive around the block after someone told me he wasn’t strapped in. I do not smoke, and don’t judge Eliza for needing to light up after a particularly harrowing traffic showdown for a parking space. I get it- she’s stressed- everyone needs a relief. The husband doesn’t help. She used to have a career, comb her hair, be someone…Whaaaaaa,Whaaaaa. I can hear the violins now.

Minnie Driver, who plays the best friend, steals the movie (well, and a very cute messenger boy). She and her husband, who were splitting up—had “make up” sex and she got pregnant. So now, she’s pregnant and left to raise the baby and her other child alone. The funniest scene was while they were shopping at a sample sale, which Eliza surprisingly fits into her busy day rather than recognizing the fact that she had other priorities, and Minnie Driver’s character reveals an encounter with a motorized toy boat. Need I say more? Very funny.

I think some Moms who see this will relate to the struggles that Eliza is coping with. We are all excellent multi-taskers, or at least, many of us are. After all, we wouldn’t be able to do any of the things we do without that ability. And that task oriented, get the job done attitude whether you work out-of-the-house or not, is one thing we all have in common.

PTA Mom is a writer for http://www.thethreetomatoes.com/, a lifestyle guide for women over 40. You can also follow her updates on Twitter @PTA_Mom.