GUEST BLOG POST: When Love is Like a Pebble in Your Shoe by Laurie Puhn, author, Fight Less, Love More

When you put your shoes on, they felt fine. But 10 minutes later you can tell something is off. Your foot is uncomfortable. You keep walking because you have to get somewhere, but two hours later you call a time out because you have a blister. You sit down on the nearest park bench or in a bathroom stall, and take a look. There it is, a tiny little hard thing stuck inside your shoe. Phew. You weren’t crazy after all. There was something in there.

I tell this story because it reminds me of another little hard thing that many of us ignore, at first. It’s those tiny put-downs or jokey insults our partners might say to us or we might unwittingly say to them. In my new book, “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In” I share tips to deal with all sorts of tiny pebbles that weigh down the lightness of love, from a lack of appreciation, to feelings of neglect to disrespect, all small pebbles that can irritate a relationship in a big way.

Rude comments are just one type of pebble that’s thrown in our face, leaving a small mark. When your partner says to friends, “Well I had to go out with her again, she wouldn’t stop calling me!” you might think it’s funny for a second, and then it feels embarrassing and wrong. But are you crazy or is your mate being mean? Or have you ever said jokingly, “I have two children, my baby and my husband,” that’s another insult that pokes a hole in the warmth of the relationship.

Sometimes the subtle insult is a cover-up for deeper animosity, but other times, it is the only problem the couple faces. Unfortunately, if you let those pebbles grow in force and frequency, they can create other problems like a need for retaliation.

Here’s how to get a few of those pebbles out of your relationship by choosing the right words at the right time:

1) Counter a put-down. When your mate says something that feels like a subtle insult, don’t push it under the rug. Wait until you’re in private and then say, “That hurts my feelings. Please don’t say that again.” Don’t assume your partner has any idea that he insulted you. You have to speak up to get what you want.

2) Criticize with Influence. The best way to give criticism is to say what you do want, not what you don’t want. If you don’t like the way your mate leaves crumbs on the kitchen counter, focus on the positive, not the negative. Say, “It would be great if you could use the dishrag and run it over the counter just once when you finish cleaning up.” That’s much more persuasive then saying, “You always leave crumbs. Can’t you see them there or are you blind?”

3) Disagree without being Disagreeable. In the moment you disagree with your mate, ask a wise question, “Why do you think that?” Listen to the answer and then, feel free to speak your mind. By listening first and talking second, you show respect for your mate’s opinions, no matter what you think of them. The result: your mate is more willing to listen to you.

Just a small change in words can remove those pebbles before you have a blister, and certainly before you have to change your shoe.

Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer/couples mediator, author of the new book, “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In” (Rodale, Oct. 12, 2010) and advice blogger at http://www.expectingwords.com/.

She is a recognized expert in the field of couples mediation and conflict resolution with a private practice in Manhattan. She also authored the best-selling book, “Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life.” Puhn's mission is to change the way people communicate with each other so they experience less conflict and greater understanding, appreciation and respect in their relationships.

Picky. Protective. And Still Single. by Jamie Levine

Before I had Jayda, I was a serial dater. I went out with men from JDate, had “training dates” with other members of my gym, was set up with friends of friends of friends, and even had drinks with a couple of gutsy guys who chatted me up on the subway. I once went speed dating with a friend for kicks, and actually posted an ad on Craigslist at one point (and met a short-term boyfriend that way). I certainly know how to date…or at least I used to. Friends often asked me why I was still single, and, if maybe, I was “being too picky?” I always responded “No…not at all. I just don’t want to settle.” And I really wasn’t being too selective—I gave plenty of guys a fair chance. However, most of them never made it to full-fledged boyfriend status…either due to their commitment-issues or our lack of chemistry, or a host of other reasons. But I wasn’t single because I was too picky. Hardly.

NOW, I’m picky.

Though I ultimately “chose” to have Jayda on my own, I’ve always pictured myself with a husband. But, unlike the pre-Jayda dating-fanatic I once was, I no longer feel I need a man in my life…I simply want one. The right one. And he has to be right for me and Jayda. Yikes. Just how does someone find a man who is high-caliber husband and father material—for two strong-minded, used-to-being-on-their-own gals? Especially when the woman looking has much less time to test-drive a bunch of suitors than she ever had before! It’s definitely a challenge.

Of course I’ve dated a bit in the past 27 months that Jayda has been alive…but mostly just for fun—for a much-needed break from being a mommy all the time. And while I always tell people that “I’d love to meet someone special…” I rarely put my energy into looking for him. Who has the time? Or even, on some days, the desire? Having an extra hour or two to read a book, or go to bed early, is often vastly more appealing to me than going on a blind date.

In the past, I could drop everything on a whim and meet someone for a drink. If the guy was engaging enough, a Thursday afternoon introductory phone call could lead to a Thursday night rendezvous at my local bar. Why not? These days, in order to have a night out, I need to find a babysitter (and potentially invest quite a bit of money), as well as sacrifice precious time with my daughter (or, the aforementioned extra sleep!). Sure, the right guy is definitely worth it…but who wants to invest time and money on the “wrong” guy? Thus, I’m less apt to take a risk these days—especially since I’m protecting more than just my own heart now.

With her affectionate nature and outgoing personality, Jayda is so easy to love…but it’s just as easy to break her heart. When a good friend leaves us to go home after spending a day with me and Jayda, my daughter often asks for that person over and over again, every day for weeks! What would she do if I dated a man—whom Jayda got to know and love—and then we broke up? Yes, I know she’d recover, but still, the thought of my daughter suffering for my dating mistakes pains me. And so I hesitate. I question whether I’m really ready for a serious relationship. I certainly don’t bring my dates home to meet Jayda. And I continually wonder if the timing will ever be right for meeting “our” Mr. Right.

Choosing to be a single mom definitely alleviated the pressure I used to put on myself to search for a husband. And, overall, it’s made me a much happier, more confident person. But sometimes I wonder if the pressures single motherhood has added to my dating life will ultimately make my search impossible. I suppose only time will tell…