Putting It Out There—by Jamie Levine

Back when I was in my early 30's, I had a good friend who was perpetually husband-hunting, and used to ask everyone whom she met to set her up. If she ever found herself chatting to a woman in the grocery store, and somehow the fact that my friend was single arose, she would shamelessly ask, "do you know any nice single Jewish guys?" I used to laugh at her antics, but she sure scored a lot of dates. And, ultimately, she snagged a nice Jewish husband, to whom she's still happily married (though she met him on her own—not through a set-up).

I’m blessed with a multitude of really good friends—both female and male—who know how badly I’d like to be a relationship again, but who rarely introduce me to dateable men. Not because they don’t love me, or think I’m a “catch,” but because they don’t know anyone great—and single—whom they think is my match. So, I’m on my own. Post-breakup with Library Guy, I attempted online dating, and found it pretty disappointing. I’ve also hit several bars—and met a few guys—but no one who’s left me smitten. I’ve flirted at the gym, as well as at the playground with Jayda, and come across a handful of appealing—but married—guys. And it’s been frustrating. Very. In my heart, I’ve always believed that a good man will fall into my lap, organically—at a soccer game with Jayda, while picking out produce in the supermarket, or in the children’s room of the library (been there, done that). But right now, I don’t feel like waiting for Mr. Right to come along. I want to do a lot of dating. I want to balance out mommy-hood and the stresses of graduate student life with some good, old-fashioned, grown-up fun.

Thus, I’ve started opening up my big mouth even more than usual. The other day, Jayda and I were invited to an old friend’s house for dinner, and soon after we arrived, my friend’s younger sister stopped by. I greeted her, and after asking about her kids and the status of her job, I blurted out, “do you know any nice, appealing single men?” She laughed, paused, and then said “let me think about that for awhile…I may!” Five minutes later, she told me she was having a birthday party for her husband the following night and said I should stop by. My friend asked her, “will there be any single men there?” and she responded, “maybe one or two…” As fate would have it, I couldn’t make it to the party—but it was nice to have the option.

Similarly, as I was lamenting about my singledom with a woman I know from the locker room at my gym (whose husband works at the front desk), she asked me what kind of man I was looking for. I told her: Someone athletic and fit, from 36-48 years-old (though I’m flexible on those numbers), preferably with a kid or two (and if not—someone who won’t expect me to have more with him), and someone who’s good with kids. Of course, like any woman, I want my mate to be affectionate, generous, kind, and have a good job—but I’m not wrapped up in trivial details like his height, religion, or whether or not he’s super-hot. I’m discerning—but not super-picky! Days later, she said she might have a guy for me—and that her husband was on the case, too. In the midst of our conversation, another woman walked by and smiled at my friend’s remark, so I caught her eye and said “hey—if you know anyone great who is single, please keep me in mind.” The woman smiled again—possibly because she thought I was crazy—but hey, you never know.

I’m pretty self-sufficient—stubborn, too—so I generally take care of myself, and all of my needs, on my own. And I must admit that most of the men I’ve dated in the past have been men I’ve met without anyone's help. But desperate times require desperate measures, and I’m finally learning that it doesn’t hurt to ask for some help when you need it. So…blog-readers…do you know any wonderful single men with whom you can set me up? Who knows what might happen! At the very least, it could make for an interesting blog…

Feel free to contact me at JMLNY@aol.com

CONTRIBUTING EXPERT - View from the Pediatrician's Office by Victoria McEvoy, M.D.

Summer is here. Children are released from the pressures of school. Play and exercise take place outdoors. Colds and stomach bugs are pushed to the back burner. Families may get to spend more time together. But summer brings a new set of hazards. Poison ivy, sunburn, bug bites, athletic injuries, and animal bites can bring a new set of hazards to children.

What can you do to keep your child safe during the summer months?

1) What should I use for sunblock for my baby?

New guidelines have been introduced by the FDA to abort misleading advertising in the sunscreen world.

* Babies under 6 months of age should be covered up and shielded from the sun. Sunscreen is not recommended for infants under 6 months of age.

* Sunscreen should offer at least SPF (sun protection factor) of 30. Over 50 is not incrementally better.

* Universal protection, meaning protection against both UVA and UVB should be listed on the sunblock. UVA rays cause aging of the skin as well as skin cancer. UVB causes sunburn and skin cancer.

* Umbrella and other sun shielding devices do not offer total protection from sun. Sunscreen should still be applied.

* Sunscreen listed as water proof is inaccurate; water resistance is the best that some sunblocks can offer.

* Most sunblocks need to be reapplied every 40 to 80 minutes.

* Check on the sunblock tube to be sure you apply adequate amounts of sunblock.

* Sprays are not thought to be as effective as creams or lotions.

2) Why does my baby have big red welts on his arm or leg when he gets a bug bite- is he allergic or are these bites infected?

* We all develop some degree of a wheal and flare reaction-i.e. redness and swelling- at the site of a bug bite. Young children seem to have a more dramatic reaction to simple insect bite. The wheal and flare reaction is an allergic response. Cold packs and/or Benadryl if itchy can suffice. Occasionally bug bites do get infected if a child picks and itches at the bite.

3) My child has eczema but he loves to swim- what should I do about the chlorine?

* It is wonderful for children to swim in the summer. Once he gets out of the pool, be sure to thoroughly rinse and wipe off the chlorinated water. Then apply a moisturizer after showering.

* Avoid having your child sit around in a wet diaper or bathing suit if he has sensitive especially on hot, humid days.

4) How can I prevent Lyme disease; I am worried sick about ticks?

* Children should play outside if safety precautions are observed. If he is in a woodsy are, have him wear long pants and shirt if you live in an endemic tick area.

* Do tick checks every night before bed after bath- go over all parts of the body including the scalp to look for feasting ticks.

* If you find a tick and it has been attached for less than 36 hours, it is unlikely to transmit Lyme Disease.

Victoria McEvoy, M.D., is the author of “The 24/7 Baby Doctor, a Harvard Pediatrician Answers All Your Questions From Birth to One Year," Lyons Press.

Mother Pants -- by Laura Houston

Motherhood didn’t always fit me. It often felt too tight. Too restrictive. Awkward. Impossible to zip up.

But this week my pants fit. After moving 3,000 miles away from the home I loved, adjusting to a big, new city, making new friends, missing old ones, and trying to find a place where I sort of fit in, I am finally hitting my stride as a mom.

I had a great week.

Here are a few random thoughts and things that happened:

I learned that my sons are not being rude at the dinner table when they say, “F@#k peas.” They’re actually being polite, asking for a “fork please.”

Most Saturday evenings we meet other parents at the playground across from a luxury high rise. This Saturday I said to one of the dads, “Whenever I see those people all dressed up and getting into a taxi to go see some show or eat at a fabulous restaurant, I sometimes wish I could do that instead.”

And he said, “Every time I stepped out of that building all dressed up and headed somewhere fabulous, and I saw parents playing with their children in this playground, I wished I could do this instead.”

Touché.

I have a pair of mimics. Wyatt and Lyle regularly play with another pair of twins who hail from London. Now they no longer call me Momma. Instead I am now “Mummy” complete with the accent.

I still can’t get Lyle to sleep through the night, but I can calmly get him into bed at 8:00pm. He won’t necessarily go to sleep right away. No. In fact, he cries and whines for the first half hour, but when he finally agrees to sleep, he stays that way for almost six hours. A record!

The boys can count to 12. We live on the 12^th floor, and we always count going up. And going down. Now they do it without me.

They can dance and actually hit the beats.

Instead of throwing the blocks, we are finally starting to build stuff with them.

I gave Lyle a timeout and a lecture along with it, and it actually changed his behavior.

Most nights when Dave comes home I ask him if he wants a glass of wine or a beer, but I didn’t realize how much of a habit it was until Wyatt greeted the babysitter with the line: “Do you want a glass of wine?”

It has been fun.

What changed? Well, sure, the boys are getting older. But I can also credit changes I made. I started exercising again. I had to. I threw out two discs in my back, and I am finally out of pain for the first time in two years. Also, I am working part-time, and that makes my brain work a little better. And there are things to look forward to: swim classes, father's day, vacation, summer in Central Park, not cooking every night because it's too hot, and reading a really good novel.

It feels like I am finally returning to me. And even if my pants don’t fit me like they used to…in that they are way too loose in some places and too tight in others….well….that’s OK. They still pull on easily, and they’re comfortable. Finally. My mother pants are comfortable.

GUEST BLOG POST: 5 Critical Life Skills Every Child Should Know by Renee Bedford

Even if we refuse to admit it, many of us have become reliant on technology. Nowadays, different gadgets do almost everything for us, and we have become dependent upon them. Technological innovations help us to get the job done faster and easier. But what happens when technology fails? This is what prompted me to go back to basics and teach my children to be gadget independent.

If you want your kids to grow up as prepared adults, you can start by instilling in them these 5 essential life skills:

1. Critical Thinking

The more that technology plays a bigger role in our lives, the more we become too lazy to think. These days, the answer to most questions can easily be found on the Internet. For example, students are almost always tempted to resort to Google to get homework done as quickly as possible. This practice, in the process, diminishes their ability to analyze and rationalize things. As parents, it is our responsibility to ensure that our children develop their skills in critical thinking, as this is essential for effective functioning in the modern world. Critical thinking plays a fundamental role in making any choice. It helps a child to formulate the right questions, assess possible answers, judge the credibility of information and sources, and make solid judgments based on the evidence.

To help develop your child's skills in critical thinking, demonstrate how you think and solve problems. Setting a good example is the best way for you to instill similar thinking patterns in your children. During dinner, you can also expand on material covered in school by asking higher-level questions and engaging children in discussion.

2. Literacy

The use of SMS and different computer languages has changed the way that people talk and write essays. In these modern venues of writing, abbreviations, and acronyms, shortcuts and misspellings are not only tolerated but encouraged. Widespread reports on the use of text language in school assignments have caused me to become concerned that the quality of written communication is on the decline. To make matters worse, automatic spell and grammar check in computers, rather than improving our children's language skills, have made them dependent on these tools to correct mistakes. It's like tying your child's shoes every day without teaching him how to tie them.

To develop your child's language skills, encourage him to read. Studies have shown that children are more successful in school if their parents read to them when they were younger. Research also shows that reading develops imagination, induction, reflection, and critical thinking, as well as vocabulary.

3. Math

Like language, people's math skills have also been negatively affected by technology. I myself am guilty of this as I would often use the calculator in my mobile phone to compute the simplest math equations when shopping for groceries or paying bills. Another proof of the extent of how much people depend on technology is that students often panic when required to test without a calculator. The multiplication tables seem insignificant to memorize when a calculator knows them already. Graphing information by hand is often seen as useless when a calculator can do it.

But I realized that developing in my child the ability to manually solve equations is important. You'd be surprised to find out that mathematical, sequential reasoning enters into all kinds of daily uses. On a basic level, every person needs to able to count money, add, multiply, subtract and divide. As soon as I realized this, I used numbers in a practical way around the house to improve my children's math skills as well as refresh mine.

4. Socializing

While our culture heralds the Internet as a technological wonder, there are suggestions that Internet use has a negative influence on social skills. For instance, more people are using Facebook to get connected than actually talking directly. Mental health professionals worry that these cyber interactions are a detriment to participants, in that they discourage traditional human interaction. It is far easier to log onto a website and chat with friends than it is to drive to their homes to see them in person, but physical human interaction is important to one's mental well-being. Maintaining contact solely through cyberspace can be damaging, in that it is somewhat superficial and not as meaningful as face-to-face conversation. As such, we should take the responsibility to teach our kids how to properly socialize rather than "short-cutting" interaction.

The way that kids make friends and learn how to value those friendships becomes the way they view friendship as they grow to adulthood. If the only socialization that our kids learn is from cyberspace, friendships will become less valuable in their lives, and as disposable as email. Develop in your child the right social skills and values by encouraging him to communicate and make friends face to face while modelling on the same values.

5. Domestic Skills

As a parent, it is just frustrating to see kids going helpless on a simple task without the help of machines. Many of this generation are computer savvy, but unfortunately clueless with domestic chores. Chores are extremely important for children to learn and do. Not only does it make a child realize that there is work in maintaining the family home, there is also a sense of pride and responsibility by doing a job and doing it well. The skills and values learned by doing chores will benefit children throughout their lives.

Teach your kids practical lessons in life by setting good examples at home. Instead of eating all the unhealthy preservatives and chemicals in prepackaged meals, cook your own meals, and involve your kids in the cooking process. Getting your kids in the kitchen is a great way to spend time with them while honing other important life skills. Also encourage them to do basic house cleaning and laundry. Set up a reward or logical consequences, if you have to, in order to motivate them.

While it is true that a number of gadgets and machines have negated the manual applications of essential life skills, we cannot blame everything on technology. Ultimately, allowing the child access to every opportunity for success in life depends on parental guidance.

Renee Bedford is a mom and wife who believes in teaching her children to be self-reliant and prepared. She knows that not only will these skills keep them safer, but they will also make them smarter! Besides being a committed mother, she works for the Christmas Tree Market, where they sell an array of classic and unique artificial Christmas trees.

He's Finally Here! by Liimu

Max Christian McGill was born on Monday, March 14 at 9:40 am, weighing in at 8 lbs 15 ounces and measuring 21.5 inches long. We were kept in the hospital until Friday, March 18, due to some jaundice issues, but now we are home and recovering nicely.


I know I probably was, but I honestly cannot remember ever being this in love. I can't stop kissing him all over his face, I love his cries, his coos, even his farty noises first thing in the morning. I'm having unbelievable troubles breastfeeding, but I'm struggling through because this is my last child (yep - I got my tubes tied) and I love the experience of breastfeeding. I don't want to miss my last opportunity. I'm seeing a lactation consultant, which is really helping a lot. Currently "pumping to heal" and seeing good results from that, so I'm very optimistic.

Overall, I am just beyond happy. My family is complete and healthy and happy and we are all in love with this baby, I'm back to eating healthy - not exercising yet, but excited to get started as soon as I get clearance from the midwife, on top of work and bills, just feeling really blessed and happy and so grateful for this unexpected blessing in our lives. To think, this time last year I had no idea he was even on the way. To this, this time last year we were struggling financially and I was all worried about how everything was going to turn out. It's a good thing I keep my mind open and my mindset positive. All things are possible and I believe that the best is yet to come.

I know this post is all over the place - sorry for that. I'll be sure to keep it more topical next time. I just wanted to let you guys know he was here and so am I!

Week 39....Beyond Ready...by Liimu

So, this is it. My last post before the newest McGill makes his appearance in the world. I have to admit, there is a part of me that is more excited about not being pregnant anymore than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I cannot WAIT to meet my son, and I'm sure that will overshadow all else as soon as he gets here, but right now, with the numbness in my hands and feet, the swelling everywhere including my face, the heartburn and the wheezing, I just feel like a hot, hot mess. I'm just ready to be on the other side of the peak of pregnancy discomfort, on the road to recovery and back to my sassy self. That's part two of this journey readers, coming back to myself - better than before.

The other thing I wanted to talk about - in the context of being beyond ready - is a little Aha moment my husband and I had with our eight year old. We thought we were ready, she and I. I bragged to friends about how she had decided to move into the baby's room because she wanted to be there to help in the middle of the night. "No backsies!" I joked. And a joke it was because she was terrified to be in her own room after having had someone in her room since her younger sister was born just 16 months after her. So, this week, we blew up the air mattress and put it on the floor of her old room, now her sisters' room, and that is where she will sleep until she's feeling brave enough to try again.

My husband was torn and inclined to tell her to suck it up. But I have been terrified of the bumps in the night, and I know that there are times you need to suck it up and times you need to change the situation to address the fear. Because she wasn't wanting to sleep with us, her sisters wanted her in the room with them, and she is generally a sweet and adaptable young lady, I fought hard for her to get to change her mind and go back to the safety and security of sleeping with her sisters. So far, so good. We thought we were ready before. Now, we are beyond ready. We are ready to admit mistakes and learn from them, and that (I have found) is the most important factor in really being ready for parenthood. Because the only thing I have found that I knew for sure each time I had a child was that nothing at all is certain.

Life is good....Week 27 by Liimu

Maybe I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security or something but right now, at this moment, all feels right with the world and with this pregnancy. I don’t remember ever feeling so … okay.

I think I want to take a moment to revel in the moment. Call it my gift to myself.

1. I’m ready for Christmas. Gifts are purchased and mostly wrapped, the tree is decorated and looks beautiful, cards are ready to send. I’m pretty amazed at this, considering everything else that’s been going on and how many hours I’ve been working since September. I'm slightly amused, also, as I had given myself permission to slack off and do none of it except presents, and here I am, having done more than even last year! Maybe that's the secret - low expectations?

2. Work is slowing down. I had a tough couple of conversations lately that have resulted in a more reasonable schedule – not the 70-hour weeks I’ve been working. Plus, I’m working from my home office exclusively, which makes a huge difference in my stress level. Again, this was one that has far exceeded my expectations. I had been telling everyone for months that things slow down in the New Year, I'll be lucky to be working even 20 hours a week, blah blah blah.... Well, I don't know if it's a sign of a rebounding economy, or if I'm just unbelievably blessed, but things are only slowing down slightly and only because I've pulled back on the reins in preparation for our son's arrival.

3. I feel pretty. I know I’ve mentioned before that I feel prettier with this pregnancy than I ever have before, and that hasn’t changed. In fact, it’s gotten better. My skin is clear and glowy, my hair is thick and shiny, and my weight gain has finally slowed down to the recommended average of a pound a week. FINALLY! I just feel in love with the world and in love with my family and in love with this baby that’s coming. I feel so happy and so hopeful and optimistic for the future. Life is good!!

I hope I can hold on to this feeling. I fully intend to. Again, I can chalk this up to low expectations yielding positive results. Tomorrow marks the official beginning of the third trimester and I had thought I would be positively miserable by the time this day arrived. Quite the contrary - even the things that should be causing me to moan and grumble (it's 3:45 AM as I type this) are things I take in stride and am managing to make the best of (what better time to have a nice, quiet cup of tea?).

People told me that once you get past two kids it really doesn't matter how many you have. Varying degrees of chaos, I say, with a wry smile. Secretly to myself, however, I feel like it's not even the number of kids that makes the difference, but moreso my ability to take things in stride. When my first child was born, I resisted every challenging experience with a "why me?" attitude. That made it hard for us both, believe me. When my 2nd daughter was born, I will never forget the turning point in my experience of motherhood. My sister had come to visit with her two toddlers and all the excitement had the baby riled up and crying. I immediately called for the nurse to take the baby to the nursery. Suddenly, I stopped. What was I doing? I could do this. I had done this before. I looked down at my new baby girl and said, "No, this is not how this is going to go. You and me, we can do this." When the nurse arrived, I told her I had changed my mind and was going to keep the baby with me, after all. I haven't second-guessed my ability since then, no matter how hard or challenging it's been.

I can do this. All of it. And if I can't, I know I can ask for help. Maybe that's why life feels so good right now. Because life feels like it is exactly the way it should be, all is right with the world, and I have the capacity to understand and appreciate that right now, in this moment, every single bit of it.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving!! By Liimu

So, first of all, a follow up to last week's blog, which was essentially a long, disgruntled complaint about our recent stay at the Borgata. I am happy to report that after many e-mails and phone calls, I finally talked to their Director of Front Office Operations, who was extremely apologetic and more than happy to credit us for one of our nights' stay. Now that that's been made right, I can comfortably say what was amazing about it...in two words: THE FOOD. If you don't have plans for Thanksgiving and you live within an hour of the place, splurge on the Borgata Buffet! There's a reason why TripAdvisor has rated it the #4 eatery in all of Atlantic City!

I had another blog written up about our recent trials and travails of raising three young daughters (8, 6 and 4) while preparing for the birth of our fourth child. Then I realized that I would be posting my blog on Thanksgiving! I can't post a litany of complaints on Thanksgiving! Instead, I decided to list all the things I'm grateful for, with a bit of a spin...I want to find ways to be thankful for the things that might normally not be considered blessings. Of course, I am grateful for my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, our upcoming new addition to the family, our house, our family and friends, my relationship with God, our health and all the other obvious blessings, but I thought it would be nice to find a way to be grateful for the things that might not appear on the surface to be things that would grace the top of the list.

1) Working 70 hours a week. In this economy, this is probably one that is not particularly hard to spin into a positive, but I have to also say that what I'm grateful for about this fact of my life is that I manifested it. Earlier this year, I had very little work and we were working with creditors to manage our existing debt, including getting assistance with our mortgage. Things were looking pretty bleak. I am a huge fan and follower of the Secret and the Law of Attraction, and I credit them and especially the book, Money and the Law of Attraction, with helping me to redirect the energy in my life, shift my vibration and get to where I am now - working as much as I possibly can and reaping the benefits. Life is good, and we are finally able to see our way to financial freedom!

2) Our earlier financial troubles. Ditto on #1 as far as being grateful for understanding and believing in the Law of Attraction. In addition to that, I have a much greater appreciation for what we have now that I've seen what it's like to not have it.

3) My 6-year old's health problems. First of all, I am so grateful that we live so near CHOP, one of the most amazing hospitals in the country. I am far more familiar with its facility and staff than I would like to admit, and am more aware than anyone I know of how blessed we are to have it within less than an hour's drive and covered by insurance. Second, I have seen strength in my daughter and in myself as a result of this journey that I might not otherwise have seen. I am awed by us both and the grace with which we have all, as a family, been able to face this challenge. Third, I feel like this experience has drawn our whole family a lot closer. Fourth and finally, I think it has made us appreciate each other and the good health we do have a whole lot more.

4) Excessive weight gain during pregnancy. Ok, this one was hard to spin into a positive. But then I think about how lucky I am to have struggled with this one most of my life: it's led me to really appreciate the importance of healthy eating and exercising and after three high-weight-gain pregnancies, it's left me confident in my ability to lose the baby weight. I've never been one of those people who didn't really have to exercise. Quite the contrary. My struggles during pregnancy and even when I'm not pregnant have caused me to gather tons of information and skills around how to properly exercise and modify my eating so that I know what to do. (I just don't do it during pregnancy...hence the weight gain.) And that, my friends, is pretty much all I have to complain about these days.

Everything else is just obvious blessings for which I am obviously thankful. I have to also thank fellow blogger, Robin Gorman-Newman for asking me to join this site as a blogger earlier this year. At the time, I had no idea I was pregnant but as soon as I found out, I knew exactly why this was perfect timing. What a blessing to have the opportunity to chronicle, week by week, what it's like to be pregnant with our fourth and last child. So, thanks to Robin and to MotherhoodLater for giving me that opportunity And thanks to all of you for continuing to read!

What are YOU thankful for? Probably more than you think!

I Miss My Sass...by Liimu

I miss my sass. I know that this is a petty complaint, given the fact that this baby is beyond a blessing, especially now given the fact that we now know that it is a healthy boy (after giving birth to three girls) but I have to admit I MISS MY SASS.

We’re going to Atlantic City tomorrow to celebrate our anniversary. And we will be enjoying the Flavors of Borgata, including a beautiful luxury suite. (Hey – we were looking at Jamaica and couldn’t make it happen with the crazy flight times, so we’re basically spending our allotted budget for our last hurrah before baby #4 makes his appearance. Don’t hate the playa…hate the game.)

We were actually looking into staying at the Caesar’s Pocono Palace, but if you’ve ever looked at their website, they are pretty well geared toward hot, sexy twenty-somethings. We are clearly beyond that point, some four times over.

So, we decided to go with the elegance of the Borgata and we’re going to have a fabulous suite and enjoy Savor Borgata, which is a tasting series hosted by all their top chefs, including Wolfgang Puck himself. Also included in our package is VIP entrance to either one of their two white-hot nightclubs. Now, when I was a hot, sexy twenty-something, dancing was my THING. Even after I stopped drinking at age 25, I still would go to the club and get my little virgin drink and go to town till the place closed. I didn’t need a man to dance with (or even a gaggle of friends). As long as the music was good, I would be in my element, getting in hours of good cardio exercise, to boot. In fact, at one point during my college years, I used to joke that I was majoring in clubbing, because I spent more time at the clubs than I did in class. Not a fact of which I am particularly proud, but I digress.

I have a sexy little maternity top and sexy little boots (I even have four-inch heels, but I am nostalgic, not stupid), and cute little skinny jeans…the whole package. And yet, there’s a little part of me that … fears? …knows? …that my preggo behind will be asleep by nine o’clock. My only hope is that during one of my hourly trips to the bathroom, I might catch a second wind and get down to that club and dance the night away on my ample preggo legs.

Either way, we’ll have a fabulous time and after working so so so so so hard these past many weeks (average 70 hours per week – did I mention that recently?), staying on top of all these children’s activities – gymnastics, soccer, swimming, weekly birthday parties, Halloween – I am very much looking forward to a little downtime with my luscious hubby.

So, no matter what happens I will thoroughly enjoy the weekend, but I will absolutely, definitely report back here to you and let you know whether I actually made an appearance at the nightclubs or petered out at nine o’clock.

Adieu!

Testing, Shmesting...My Mom is Coming. By Liimu

I started to write a whole blog about amniocentesis and advanced maternal age and genetic testing and blah blah blah and it was just kind of depressing. What I really want to talk about is the fact that my mother is coming to visit today. I’m really looking forward to seeing her, but I have to admit that I’m a little nervous about how she’ll react to my big old pregnant belly. Is she gonna think that I’m holding it together this time, or is it gonna be obvious that I’ve already gained the recommended amount despite the fact that I’m only halfway through my pregnancy? Overall, I feel really healthy and extremely blessed to be pregnant again, not only with our fourth child but with our very first son. I’m very much looking forward to sharing that joy with my mother, who had five children of her own. I do have to admit, however, that my mother’s reaction to my ever-blossoming pregnant body is not exactly at the bottom of my list of worries.

I come from a long line of women, you’re probably not at all surprised to hear, who were obsessed with their weight. I can still remember visiting my grandmother in the nursing home when she was 93 years old, and her telling me that she weighed herself every day and replaced two of her daily meals with Slimfast shakes. Why they would let a 93 year old woman have Slimfast instead of a meal, I have no idea. I guess I say all that to say that I come by all this neurosis honestly. Anyway, my children are totally excited for Grandma’s meet. She may even get to see my eldest daughter’s first winter swim meet, and we all plan to go out to dinner on Thursday night to a fabulous restaurant in Abington, PA called Timber. It should be a fun evening. By then I should have the results of my fetal echocardiogram and hopefully have been told that the baby is growing fine and is completely healthy. By all accounts, it should be a fabulous weekend…if I can just let go of my age-old neuroses and relax, it might actually end up that way!

The Best Intentions -- By Laura Houston

Something happens to a husband the very day he becomes a father. He makes the horrible mistake of trying to be more thoughtful. Whereas this may sound like a noble thing, it only causes more work for the new mother. I know. This very transition happened to my husband. He went from being my sweet, romantically bumbling, laid back, casual husband to being a driven, conscientious, Super Dad and Uber-husband. And it’s completely annoying.

Now, keep in mind he has the best intentions. I know this. I remind myself of this all the time. But there’s a reason why William Blake said the road to hell is paved with them. The best of intentions don’t guarantee the best of outcomes.

Allow me to give you an example: My husband and I are ready to get out the door with the boys, the stroller, and the 20 pounds of gear required to enjoy an afternoon at the park. I realize I forgot my watch and lip balm, so I sprint back into the apartment.

Overly Thoughtful Husband thinks: I’ll give her some time to herself so she doesn’t have to rush, and I’ll go ahead and take the boys down to the lobby and wait for her there.

The reality: I am out of the apartment and dashing toward the elevator just as the doors are closing. Now I either need to just walk the 12 stories down to the lobby or wait for the elevator to return, which can be lengthy since we live in an old building and there is only one elevator in our tower, so waiting can sometimes take up to five or ten minutes. It’s faster to walk, so I take the stairs down, and I scold him when I see him. I explain that it is an inconvenience to me when he doesn’t wait, and that it hurts my feelings.

He doesn’t understand why I am frustrated after running down 12 flights of stairs carrying a diaper bag, my purse, and a blanket, so he’s defensive. He thought he was being helpful.

Another example: He wants to engage in conversations to stimulate communication, so at 8:30 at night when my brain has only six cells still functioning, so he asks rhetorical questions like this: "If you were raised in a different country, what do you think your life would be like?"

The reality: That’s a big question. My first thought is: "What country? And then, would I still be a girl? Would I be white? Would I be poor? What religion?" I stop to think for a second, and then I can’t remember what I was doing even though I have a big basket of laundry in my arms. I cannot hide my annoyance when I say, “I don’t know.”

He therefore feels hurt and dejected, and I am a bitch.

OK. Truthfully, I probably say something closer to: “What the hell kind of question is that? How am I supposed to answer that? What are my perimeters? What country? What is it you need to know, honey? Why are you asking me this?”

Ah. I pine for the days when he could go weeks without asking me how I was doing.

My husband also seeks connection. He wants me to slow down, give him my undivided attention, be romantic and sweet. Unfortunately, his timing to achieve said bonding usually occurs at the same time the boys need to be changed, fed, bathed, and I haven’t had so much as a bite to eat all day, or he tries at 10:00 at night when my mascara has welded my eyes shut, and my neck won’t move. He’s genuinely friendly and sincere when he tries to find out what I want from life, but all I can think of at 11:00 at night is this: “I still have 17 years before the boys go off to college, so I better get them into a good preschool by reading to them every day, and, shoot, I forgot to read to them today because Lyle threw up in the stroller and Wyatt destroyed the book I was reading, making a huge mess all around, so should I go wake them up and read them Are You My Mother? It’s their favorite. I think.”

It’s a safe bet to say my husband feels just as irritated and frustrated by my changes in motherhood as I do with his in fatherhood. Fortunately, we are strong together. I don’t always know how it works – how I can be so irritated with someone whom I never want to go a day without.

Yeah. I know. Welcome to motherhood. I have nothing but the best intentions.

CYMA SHAPIRO CHATS with Rallie McAllister, co-author of The Mommy MD Guides to Pregnancy and Birth

Q: What compelled you to write this book?

The idea for The Mommy MD Guides to Pregnancy and Birth came from my co-author, Jennifer Bright Reich, a mother with two young sons. In her career as a writer, Jennifer has interviewed hundreds of doctors. She was especially intrigued whenever a woman physician offered her tips that she had used in her own life to deal with common challenges that most mothers face, especially in terms of keeping her children safe and healthy. We (also) loved the idea that physicians who are also mothers have expertise and experience in two very important areas: motherhood and medicine.

Q: What might be the most common myth which you debunk in this book?

I think the myths held by moms-to-be fall into two general categories, depending on the woman’s personality. For those who have always felt that they have their lives perfectly in order, and that they must maintain total control over every aspect of their lives, the book dispels the myth that you can control all aspects of pregnancy and delivery. You just can’t! These women learn that they have to relax and leave some things to Mother Nature, and she knows what she’s doing! For women who tend to feel less powerful, on the other hand, the book debunks the myth that they can’t influence their pregnancies in any way.

Q: It is interesting that this book is written from the viewpoint of the working mother -- someone relegated to working through common pregnancy and childrearing issues ranging from morning sickness, and heartburn to time restraints and daily scheduling. What are some of the tips these mom-physicians have shared?

One tip that all of our Mommy MD Guides agreed upon is the wisdom of banking babies’ umbilical cord blood. It’s important for moms-to-be to consider, since they’ll only have one chance to do it: in the moments following birth. Umbilical cord blood is a rich source of stem cells, considered to be the master cells of the body. After collection, cord blood is delivered to a cord blood bank, where it is stored in liquid nitrogen. Theoretically, the stem cells it contains can last forever if stored properly. For more information and additional important benefits of cord blood banking, moms-to-be can visit http://www.cordblood.com/

Q: Do working mom-physicians bear burdens or have experiences different from other working mothers?

I believe one of the greatest challenges that mom-physicians face that may not affect women in many other careers is their knowledge of all the things that could go wrong during pregnancy. It’s perfectly natural for expectant moms to experience occasional concern and anxiety. With their medical training and experience, mom-physicians have lots of fuel for the fire.

Another challenge for mom-physicians is that because of their medical training, they may believe that they’re prepared for all the changes that accompany pregnancy and motherhood. Wrong!

Q: What are some of the positive attributes about being a mother and a physician?

As a physician, it’s wonderful to understand the anatomy and physiology of the human body. If we’re able to think objectively about ourselves and our children, this can be very helpful in terms of knowing when to seek medical attention. But this positive attribute doesn’t even come close to the on-the-job experience we gain every single day of our careers. I think most of our Mommy MD Guides would agree that our patients are the greatest teachers of all.

Q: New older motherhood presents challenges often singular to this group. Did your older women subjects offer any advice?

Several of our Mommy MD Guides were older when they became pregnant for the first time, having completed undergraduate school, medical school and residency training before they conceived. They offered lots of firsthand, heartfelt advice about going through in vitro fertilization, dealing with fatigue, changing their career plans, enduring (or choosing not to have) all of the extra diagnostic tests of pregnancy recommended for older women.

Q: Your section on "When to Call Your Doctor" is, perhaps, the most commonly asked question, especially for new mothers. When do you call your doctor?

While the book offers hard and fast signs and symptoms that warrant a call to the doctor, the more important, underlying message to moms-to-be is this: If you are concerned, or if you have a feeling that something is just not right, you should feel free to call your physician for reassurance or advice. If you don’t feel comfortable calling, you probably don’t have the right doctor.

Q: What have you learned from writing this book?

I learned so many important tips that I wish I had known during my own pregnancies! They would have made my life so much easier. I also learned that motherhood creates a wonderful bond between women that transcends all boundaries. It’s the easiest and most natural thing in the world for one mother to identify with and feel compassion for another mother. We’ve have shared so many of the same experiences, fears, and joys.

Q: The image of a physician is often overworked, stressed, and stretched-thin. Your book presents women physicians taking care of themselves while pregnant or with their children. Do you think this group represents the larger group as a whole?

I do. Like most female physicians and hard-working women in any occupation, our Mommy MD Guides placed enormous demands on themselves—physically and emotionally—when they were not pregnant. But in virtually every case, these same women were not willing to sacrifice their babies’ health during their pregnancies. So while they may have been perfectly willing to miss meals, sacrifice sleep, and work to the point of exhaustion before they became pregnant, all that changed with conception. There’s something incredibly powerful and instinctual about motherhood that drives us to put our babies’ health first and foremost.

Q:  What one final tip would you give any working mothers with children?

I would encourage working mothers to remember that their children only have one childhood. A baby’s first years are absolutely critical in terms of emotional development, and a mother’s time and love are the greatest gifts she can give her baby. More than expensive toys or clothes or books, babies yearn to be close to their mothers. Moms should feel good about relinquishing some other responsibilities in life to spend time with and enjoy their beloved babies.

     

Some of the 900 tips that 60 doctors who are also mothers use during their own pregnancies and births:                                                                

Coping with morning sickness: At some point in the pregnancy, I stopped being able to tolerate flat liquids of any kind—even water. Seltzer water always came to my rescue. It worked best during those times when I was at a restaurant and I felt the nausea wave coming. If you don’t like plain seltzer, try one with fruit flavoring.

—Tyeese Gaines Reid, DO

Easing the (heart)burn: When I was pregnant with triplets, I had terrible, unrelenting heartburn. I discovered that eating ice cream and sipping a little milk helped. So I coated that heartburn with some ice cream! The ice cream (plus medication my doctor prescribed) eased the heartburn enough that it wasn’t waking me up anymore. Of course, by then I was waking up for a zillion other reasons.

—Sadaf T. Bhutta, MBBS

Enjoying sex during pregnancy: Before I got pregnant, my husband and I had a healthy sex life. We had a lot of sex while I was pregnant too. In fact, we had sex the morning my water broke. We just found ways to make it happen. Sex was relaxing for me and lovely for him. It’s good to bank up a lot of “credit,” because after the baby comes, you won’t be able to have sex for a while.

—JJ Levenstein, MD

Seeing your baby for the first time: I cannot adequately describe how I felt when my babies were born. At the time, the analogy came to me forcefully that it was just as if I had died and there really was a Heaven with the Prophets and the Angels, and that you could look at them clearly and see they were like real people, with eyelashes and fingernails. My baby’s eyelashes and fingernails seemed that impossible

and vivid to me. Just to look at them seemed impossible.

—Elizabeth Berger, MD

Rallie McAllister, MC, MPH, is co-founder of Momosa Publishing, publisher of MommyMDGuides.com and the Mommy MD Guides book series.  She is a board-certified family physician and a nationally recognized health expert.  Her nationally syndicated newspaper column, Your Health, appears in more than 30 newspapers in the US and Canada and is read by more than a million people each week.  Dr. McAllister has been the featured medical expert on more than 100 radio and television shows.  A dynamic public speaker, she educates and entertains audiences from coast to coast with her upbeat, down-to-earth delivery of the latest health news.  She has three sons.

 

My Independence Day by Liimu

Happy 4th of July everyone!


For many people, the 4th of July is about laying by the pool, or about hopping from cookout to cookout, eating tons of hot dogs and hamburgers, potato salad, chips and that cake that's iced to look like an American Flag. Hell, I have to admit that I looked forward to the cookouts and the pigouts more years than I care to admit.
This year, the 4th of July was not about getting blasted or even about mindless eating (for once). It was about freedom. Freedom from compulsive eating AND from compulsive dieting. It was about freedom from addiction of all kinds. It was about freedom from poverty (I signed contracts on two fabulous new projects recently and financial freedom is finally in sight after many months of living week to week and robbing Peter to pay Paul). It's about freedom from illness - dramatic, life-threatening illness, like the Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever that my 6 year old faced last year, and from mundane health issues like my acne (apparently caused by an allergy to dairy - who knew?) or achy joints. This year on July 4th, everyone in our family was healthy and happy and we enjoyed our day together, fully. This year, July 4th was about freedom from self-pity or martyrdom, freedom from feeling (too) overwhelmed. Freedom!!!

I woke up July 4 morning without my alarm, as I do every morning, and turned on a mindful meditation MP3 to start my day off right. Then, I got up and made my coffee, read my meditation books and wrote a couple pages in my journal. Ate a yummy vitatop muffin on my way to the trails, and then ran a quick and totally fun 5 miles with one of my dearest friends before the heat became unbearable. Came home and made a yummy protein-rich breakfast, and got the girls together to watch the July 4 relay races. It was hot, kinda boring, and then not one, but two of my three daughters had to pee. We went to the pool to use the bathroom - locked. The community hall, locked. The library, of course, locked. I looked at my girls and said, "You know what? This isn't flowing. Let's go home." "Are you mad?" they asked. "Nope, not mad. Just going with the flow."

Home we came, where they played learning games on the computers and in their new workbooks, while I caught up on the blogs, which were long overdue for an update. (Look at me, writing yet another blog weeks ahead of time. Reverse Snooze! It works every time! Of course, you guys are probably wondering why you're reading about July 4 on July 22, but hey - it could be worse. I could be posting about the 4th annual McGill Family Easter Egg Hunt.)

I am so grateful to be free today. Not just free in the sense of living in a free country, though of course, I am also grateful for that. But for so many years, I was a prisoner in my MIND, which is so full of shoulds and should nots, I could never hear what I wanted to do in any given moment. Today, I am free to live each moment committed to health, sanity, and joy. And I truly, TRULY thank God for that.

Freedom and love to you all!

Reverse Snooze by Liimu

For the third week in a row, I am behind the 8 ball with my blogging for Motherhood Later. (I probably should mention that I am finding my own blogs are written nearly a month apart these days, if not more.) It looks like it's time for me to try a little trick I use with myself all the time. Reverse Snooze.

The clocks around me are all set a wee bit fast. In the car, three minutes. In my daughters' room, 5 minutes. In the kitchen, 2 minutes. My watch, 4 minutes. Just enough to keep me from being late anywhere but not so much that I catch on to my little ploy. (I used to keep my car clock 15 minutes fast, but then I just automatically reset the time in my head, so I still ended up being late.)

When I have band practice, I tell everyone else a half hour later than I put in my own calendar. That way, I'm sure to be on time. For my daughter's swim meets, I intentionally remember the time to be 15 minutes earlier than her set practice start time (which is 15 minutes earlier than the meet start) and we still end up getting there 10 minutes before it starts.

This is not a skill I'm proud to have honed over the years. Truthfully, it is a result of the fact that the women in my family squeeze every bit of productivity out of every single minutes of the day, and we continually underestimate how long it takes to get something done (or I should say I do, anyway). With a To Do list as long as mine, nothing frustrates me more than waiting 20 minutes in a doctor's office or in line to get my car inspected. Do you know how much I could accomplish in 20 minutes (says my overscheduled inner crazy woman)?

So even though I know that the ultimate goal would be to slow down and create more space in my life so I don't feel so overcommitted each day (something that has been on my Life To Do list for about 5 years), this blog is important to me so, I think it's time to put Reverse Snooze in play. Hence, I need to queue up some blog posts, so I don't get behind the 8 ball ever again. Happy Thursday, everyone!

Strong Kids, Strong Mom by Liimu

A couple weeks ago, I took my daughter to the neurologist for an evaluation at the suggestion of her orthopedic surgeon, who performed heel-cord lengthening surgery on her a year ago. He was concerned about the hyperarching of her spine and a deterioration in her gait from the last time he had seen her. When she saw the neurologist, he recommended she get MRI scans of her entire scan as he thought she might have Tethered Cord Syndrome, a rare but serious condition that would require spinal cord surgery in order to correct it.

We got to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHoP) at 7:30 am and despite a couple rumblings about being hungry, Amelia was really in quite good spirits. She freaked out at the idea of getting a needle and wasn’t particularly excited at the idea of having to be sedated and spend the day with me instead of going to summer camp to be with her friends. They put numbing crème on her hands and the sedation doctor came to check her out. Imagine my chagrin when she told us that Amelia’s adenoids were enlarged and wouldn’t be able to be sedated. Apparently, because she was having an MRI of her entire spine, she would need to be rendered entirely immobile, which one of the medications was designed to do. Unfortunately, because the enlarged adenoids pose a risk of sleep apnea, this meant that if they put her out, she might stop breathing and not start again. They told us we should leave, go see ENT and come back later. Unless….like a big kid…Amelia could get the MRI without being sedated. That would mean being slid into that nasty tunnel thing and staying completely still on her own for an HOUR. I asked her if she thought she could do it and she said yes. They said we could come back at 11:30 and have it done.

Off we went to Wal-mart to get a movie for her to watch while in the MRI tunnel (Princess and the Frog) and a prize for her and her sisters if it went off without a hitch. WHICH IT DID! I was writhing like a maniac on my little bench but every time I looked at her little feet sticking out of the tunnel, they were completely still. I could not get comfortable, sitting up, legs crossed, laying down, I don’t know what was wrong with me. But Amelia? Not a single twitch. Needless to say, she got her Princess and the Frog movie, her Toy Story 3 Water Blaster and an ice cream cone, to boot. She is an amazing little kid, I tell you that.

When we were walking back from getting ice cream, we had the following discussion:

Amelia: “So mama, can you guess what my favorite part was?”

Me: “Watching the movie?”

Amelia: “Yes, and…?”

Me: “Going out for breakfast with mama?”

Amelia: “Yes, and…?”

Me: “Getting your ice cream cone?”

Amelia: “Yes, and…? I’ll give you a hint. It starts with a T.”

Me: “Taking the braces off? I don’t know!!!”

Amelia: “THE TUNNEL!!! It was so fun!”

She’s an amazing kid, that one. Finds a way to have fun during an MRI. Go figure. Oh, and the happy ending to the story? The results were completely normal. So, let's hope she brings that happy-go-lucky attitude to the physical therapist's when we go. And let's hope that I do, too.

The Flow - by Liimu

On Tuesday, I was very proud of myself for remembering to post my blog, and it was all about what I have learned from being in Italy about being in the Flow of life, as opposed to my very To Do List heavy life I live back in the States.

Of course, then I found out that my blog post day is Thursday and so only those of you who happened to be up and reading Motherhood Later at 4 am on Tuesday morning got to read it.

I wasn't going to post today, because we are now rushing around in the throes of pre-boarding mania - packing, showering, checking under the bed for the iPod charger, trying to make it to one last free breakfast buffet, etc.

But I thought it was fitting that rather than waxing poetic on how wonderful my life will be now that I can bring home the spirit of Italia and living in the flow all the time, I can actually see that there is a time and a place for both being in flow and living within structured guidelines.

Last night, on my husband's birthday, we walked for about nine hours looking for the perfect place for us to have dinner and celebrate our last night in Italy and my husband's birthday. We had several people recommend places in a fairly far-off region called Trastevere. Though we had enjoyed the most wonderful meal of our lives just the night before at a restaurant called Osteria Della Vite, on a tiny side street by the same name, we made the trek across the bridge to try to find the restaurant. As we walked into the town, we were both just not feeling the vibe at all and decided at the last minute to turn around and try to find "our" restaurant in "our Rome." (I did find the perfect tank top, though, for two euros less than what it cost across the bridge.)

We walked around for another hour, getting more and more discouraged that we would ever find our place, unable to ask for directions because neither of us speaks Italian. Finally, with just the flow to guide us, we found "our" restaurant and had yet another meal that made my eyes roll back in my head. It was the structure of knowing that we loved our restaurant, combined with our faith that the flow of life would lead us to it that led to the perfect ending to the perfect Italian vacation.

In the same way, I guess I hope to be able to continue to live my life with just enough structure to make me feel like I'm steering the boat, but just enough flow to remind me that I'm not the one making the waves.

Gratitude is Just a Nine-Letter Word - by Cyma

For many years in my yoga classes (pre-children), I had trouble finding the ‘gratitude’ that the teachers requested of us, especially during our parting word, “Namaste” (meaning: the light/spirit in me acknowledges the light/spirit in you). While I knew that it was necessary to acknowledge the goodness in my life; the people who had sustained me; the loves I had found; and the joys that I experienced, the truth was that I was always just surviving the day only to run home and find solace and peace in the solitude of my home, alone. The truth was that I was rarely happy.

It was only after the arrival of my children, that I began counting my blessings. Suddenly, the simplicity of things became much more apparent, and the necessity to make things more simple, vital. Before long I was (easily) finding words of faith during nightly meals and High Holidays, and I began thanking people for the good deeds/words/hugs/praises/gestures they would bestow me. It took me many months before I realized that although my children had opened my heart and soul, it was actually me who was morphing into a kinder, gentler creature -- still Type-A, but with a much, much softer edge. After many years of self-loathing, I was becoming someone I thought I could come to like.

Now, it wasn’t so important to make that deal; dress to kill; or drive a car that people envied. I didn’t have to prove myself to the entire world. It wasn’t necessary to always be “on top,” or more importantly, to be “on.” In my new life with young children, “on” meant awake and functioning and “on top” meant having a day unfold without any major meltdowns, lost items, forgotten appointments or irresolvable crises. A ‘good day’ was one in which I was called upon to constantly reassess family situations and provide good, sometimes clever, and nearly always instantaneous responses, many of which surprised me…. about me!

While I felt I lost myself during early motherhood, I prayed that I would somehow come out the other side with a better set of expectations about the world, a more realistic view of my (length of) time on earth and more peace and joy than was previous experienced. Before that time, I think I rarely experienced much peace and joy at all.

Although my childrearing years have come at a later age than most, and there are certainly days that I ponder and sometimes grieve the truth of that, I am now nearly always hopeful about myself, my life and the lifetime of potential for my children.

Having gratitude provides a constant stream of strength and power which I draw from daily in my quest for a good, compassionate and life-affirming existence. I pray often and constantly give thanks. I am now just grateful to be alive, AND to have my children.

Mid-Life Motherhood Crisis -- by Cara

I read Robin’s Blog on Friday, and it resonated with me. To the core. On many levels. Up until 3 years ago, I, too, had to care for my elderly father and a young baby/toddler. I honestly don’t know which was worse...explaining for the 100th time to my father why he had to take a new medication or racing all over the house, preventing my young son from writing on the walls or taking everything out of drawers so he could sit it them!

I call this “Mid-Life Mothering.” Many “later” Moms are feeling this crunch. And even if their parents are healthy, being a single Mom or a working Mom with few resources, can only burden one even more.

I feel for Robin. At the time my father was alive, I, too, went the holistic approach, looking for ways to manage all of my stress. I tried holistic medicine, tinctures, vitamins, Acupuncture (and drinking this horrid “tea” three times a day, which I had to boil for an hour! Oh the stench!!). I started going to a therapist, got weekly massages, exercised regularly. All of these things worked...to a limited extent. My stress level was mounting and I just couldn’t get a handle on it with nontraditional methods.

Enter the big time meds. They worked! They worked REALLY well! Twenty-four/seven! And as much as I hate having to rely on these meds every day, twice (or more) a day, they are what my body needed and still needs. So I understand what Robin is saying about not wanting to rely on meds to manage stress. But sometimes the stress is beyond just ordinary stress. At that point, you need to decide whether the meds might help. If they work miracles (as they did for me), fabulous! If they don’t, you can just opt to not take them anymore.

The reason I am droning on about this is because we ARE the “sandwich generation.” The other day, I went for a walk to try to calm myself down from some stressful news. The walked worked. But only for about 45 minutes afterwards. Then I was going into the medicine cabinet to help myself calm down again.

I am in no way addicted to these meds. I forget to take them sometimes. And then life starts to get to me, and I have to check my pill box to see if I took all of the meds I’m supposed to take. And I’m not a drinker, so that would be of no help to me. In fact, I’ve been reading articles stating that Moms are becoming the newest, “up-and-coming” category of binge drinkers! It starts with a glass of wine once the kids are in bed and escalates to running for the wine glass as soon as they come through the door at the end of the day. What is scary is that I have two friends who do this, and I am quite concerned for them. I personally would rather take my meds and have a fully clear head about me.

So what does all this mean? And where do we go with this? I wish I had the answers. I have my ongoing issues, as we all know. But then “life” throws us a curve ball. Or two or three, all at once! I guess each one of us has to manage our stress in whichever way works best for us.

Before my son was born, I used to take yoga classes for an hour and then go home and meditate between 40 - 60 minutes. I no longer have the luxury of that “healing” time. If I can get a 30-minute walk in most days a week, I’m thrilled! Now I need that time to help my son do his homework (and refocus him to do his homework!). I have to help him learn algebra (yes, algebra...in First Grade. I think I learned it in 9th Grade. What is wrong here?? Why does a First Grader NEED to learn algebra!)? All of these added burdens accumulate. Until your head wants to implode.

I, unfortunately, don’t see my life getting any easier. I do hope and would love to eventually get off all of these meds and enjoy a peaceful meditation session. (Maybe once my son goes to college!) But it seems that as soon as you think you have everything under control, something changes. And it just happens when you least expect it. At the worst possible moment in time.

Have any suggestions or stories to share? I would relish reading and learning how others cope throughout this “Mid-Life Motherhood Crisis.” Please share them with others and me.

Infertility and Friends -- by Laura

I spent five years trying to get pregnant. Desperately. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through, and when the test finally came back positive, the world seemed like and all-you-can-eat buffet of joy. But not everybody was happy for me. And I understand why.

When I was trying to get pregnant, it seemed like everyone else in the world could get pregnant but me. Every other month I was pushing a shopping cart through Babies-R-Us, until I just couldn’t even drive past the exit without wanting to throw up in my mouth. There was only one other person in my life who could not get pregnant. One of my best friends. I’ll call her Liz. We had been friends for over 15 years, and when we were together, we laughed like mad women. And our lives seem to parallel in so many ways, so when we both started trying to have children, we believed were in it together, and together we would triumph.

At first we were sort of private about our attempts. We wanted to endure the dreaded two-week wait alone. But we went through the same treatments at almost the exact same time. We even had the same doctor for the first two rounds of IVF. But as we continued our treatments, Liz became more and more bitter and more and more competitive. She was a wealthy woman, so she could afford to do more rounds of IVF and go to private clinics with more personalized care. I knew my shots were limited, so I plowed through books, trolled the Internet, and joined an infertility support group to gather as much information as I could. When I would present my findings to her over coffee, she called me obsessed and dismissed the conversation.

Liz was right. I was obsessed. If you want to get pregnant when you’re 40, you have to be. So I was, and I did.

There came a day when I had to tell Liz I was pregnant, and I knew I wanted to tell her in a good way. I wanted to tell her before I told my other friends so she would not hear it second hand. I wanted to tell her quietly and in person when her husband was there so he could be there to support her. I wanted to be calm and quick about it, and make sure the conversation shifted to other things at the right time. I practiced. My husband shook his head.

The right time came to tell her. It was a late November morning, and I had just hit the three-month mark. I drove an hour to her house, brought her muffins, drank tea and sat in her kitchen chatting about nothing in particular. Just catching up. Then when the muffins were eaten and the tea finished, I did it. “I’m pregnant,” I said. I could hear her heart break. I knew that feeling. I had sat where she sat many times over the last five years. It is miserable. It’s as if a sheet of shame has settled on the heart because you know you are supposed to be happy. You know you are, but all you want to do is curl up in the corner and cry.

Liz stammered. And stuttered. And I could see her face flush while her mind raced. She kept swallowing even though the tea was long gone. Her husband came in the room and placed a hand on her shoulder. I began to talk quickly. I felt like I needed to apologize, and I remember saying how hard it had all been and that I was still scared. And it was going to be a rough pregnancy with twins. “Twins?” she said. “You have twins?” And I could feel her world fall out from under her.

I changed the subject to her. To her adoption process. To her job. And then I said I had to go. She was relieved. And when we said goodbye, there were no congratulations from her. There was no more acknowledgment. I didn’t expect there to be.

After that day, she did not reply to my emails. She did not return my phone calls. She sent me a Christmas card but did not sign her name. I did receive a mass email from her four months later that she had successfully adopted a baby girl. I sent her a note congratulating her and wishing her the greatest happiness, but I never heard back.

To say I was hurt and angry about it is an understatement. At the same time, I knew exactly how she felt. I hoped that with the adoption of her daughter that somehow we could mend things. That her heart would be put back together. I was going to reach out and send her an email, but then my husband said, “Why would you want to reconnect with someone who treated you so badly while you tried to get pregnant and then was unhappy for you when you did?”

He had a good point. But there are other things to consider. Infertility brings out the worst in people. It’s a sad, sad thing. It’s grotesquely painful. Did she act badly? Sure. Would I have done the same thing? I don’t think so. My friendships are precious.

Perhaps it is time to let go. Perhaps there wasn’t the friendship there that I believed was there. But if I let my heart speak, it has its own take on the situation. It wants to pick up the phone and call her, so we can laugh the way we used to. It wants to see an email from her in my inbox with one of her silly titles. It would even take a Christmas card she didn’t bother to sign.

Keep "Em Close -- by Laura

The advice one receives as a new mother is inexhaustible, and I received my fair share the first six months. But I have a hard and fast rule about taking advice – I only take it from the people who make me ask for it, and I only ask for it from the people I respect. David and I spent five years trying to get pregnant so during that time we watched our friends and their kits. If the children were happy, engaging and well behaved, we asked them for their parenting philosophies, their approach, the books they read and the challenges they faced.

One of our favorite kids was Ani. His parents came from India, and he was a brilliant child – reading at age three, knowledgeable about his favorite subject (trains), polite, funny and more fun to talk to than his parents. So we asked: “What did you do?” They did not answer at first. They muttered something about Dr. Sears, but we persisted and they finally confessed that Ani slept with them in their bed every night for the first 18 months. They tried everything: cribs in their room, vibrators, noise machines, cry-it-out, the Ferber Method, but nothing worked. He insisted upon sharing their bed and only their bed. So they gave in.

Once they gave in, Ani established himself as a happy baby. He slept better, cried less, woke up happy, and settled right into his joyful, curious nature. It gave us cause to think. We heard from so many people that a baby in the bed is havoc on the marriage. But at the same time, didn’t it seem natural to sleep with your child if that’s what the child wanted in order to feel secure?

The second person we took advice from was our neighbor Candace. She has three children all of them teenagers, and they’re all very likeable at an age where most kids are distant and awkward. This struck my husband and I both as a testament to her parenting. Their family is a tightly knit group that spends a lot of fun time together, and when we watch them interact, we can tell the kids genuinely love their parents, and respect them as well. So we asked again: How did you do it?

And this is where I received the best parenting advice of my motherhood. Candace said: “Keep ‘em close. Throw out those books and all the nonsense they tell you and listen to your gut. And just keep ‘em close.”

So we do. We sleep with the babies. We travel with them. We take them out to restaurants, parades, art galleries, museums. Where we go, they go. It’s not always easy. We are not always pleased that they sleep with us in our bed. Although we love falling asleep to their soft breath and their hands against our cheek, and we sleep better because we are not up and down five or six times a night soothing them, we also long for the night where we can once again settle into our big bed with a book and just the two of us. People scold us for sleeping with them, saying it’s dangerous, bad for them, setting a precedent. Sometimes we find ourselves feeling a little embarrassed by it because it’s obvious this situation can impeded a couple’s sex life. And we do, indeed, have to try harder in that area to make sure things happen. But then we watch our babies as they grow into little human beings, and we see confident, happy, secure babies who communicate with us. We have strong bonds with our children. And we’ve learned to tune out the opinions and advice that don’t matter. We keep looking at the results and trust our instincts.

The other night we were coming home on the bus, and the woman next to us was managing three young children by herself, and we were surprised she could do it so well. They sat down when she asked them to, stopped bickering when she scolded, and the oldest daughter engaged in a conversation with me about my twins and how old they were. When I struggled to get a bottle out of the backpack, she offered to help. As we were getting off the bus I complimented the mother and asked how she raised such polite, helpful children. She said, “I keep them close. Watch them all the time. Let them know I love them and what my expectations are.” I asked her if she slept with them when they were babies. “Still do sometimes if they’re having a hard time with something,” she said. “It’s only a short time in life you get to have children. So just keep ‘em close and enjoy it. They’ll always love you for it.”

Best advice I ever received.