I’m Coming Back In…..by Cyma Shapiro

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I was not enjoying being a mother. My children were grappling with issues, our lives had become complicated; we had also experienced a few tragedies. All of this compounded my feeling that without a happy home, life had just become…well…just too hard.

I’m happy to say that, in our therapist’s terms, I’m “coming back in” to our lives. Things are ironing themselves out (as they often do), and I’m now aware that time is passing and I must keep pace.

I’ve often written that for me, being a midlife mother brings a razor-sharp awareness that life will not go on forever. I never recognized this; at midlife, and with children, I most certainly do.

It’s SO easy to forget about the good, small things that happen daily as children grow. It’s SO easy to get mired in daily problems and yearly concerns. It’s SO easy to feel like the issues of today will still be the issues of tomorrow; our children’s angst will continue on into infinity, etc. etc.

The truth is that they grow and, hopefully, we grow (up) too!

Today, I will remind myself again of how happy I am to be a midlife mother; how happy I am to be sharing my life with my children; how happy I am for the people they are becoming.

Here’s my deal: Exercise, exercise, exercise. Pray, pray, pray. Meditate, meditate, meditate.

I try sooooooo hard to keep it all together.

OM…………….

Cyma Chats with author Susan Apollon (Part II) *

Q: Our readers are new older mothers – women for whom a multitude of additional external factors are already impacting their lives (i. e. entering perimenopause/menopause while mothering young children; being the sandwich generation – caring for young families while helping much older parents; continuing firmly established careers and full lives in addition to being primary caregivers). What specific techniques would you suggest for this group?

I know that (there are) problems associated with this period of life quite well, both personally and professionally.

First: Breathe to relax and replenish. Be sure to carve out 5 – 15 minutes a day- to just sit, be, practice consciously breathing in warm, healing energy on your in-breath and on your out-breath, being sure to breathe out any dark, negative energy associated with thoughts of sadness, fear, stress, feelings of inadequacy and lack of control. You can do this in the doctor’s office, your car or at home. But, do it! It truly works. This is your way of instantly replenishing before tackling the next project or to do action on your mental list.

Second: Remind yourself that you are a mom who genuinely loves her family and who is doing her very best and that all decisions you make are made from this position in the moment you make them. You are not perfect but you are doing your very best. This is all your creator wants from you. Universal Energy (God, Creator or whatever name you use for the Divine) is all about Unconditional Love and not about judgment and criticism. Consequently, stop beating yourself up and living with self-criticism and judgment. Let all of this go! This is especially important in dealing with any kind of loss! Chuck the guilt!!!!

Third: Repeat affirmations throughout your day such as, I Am Love and I Am doing my best. I choose Love and to detach from what does not feel good.  I am the Mom: I am older, wiser and I Am the Parent here. Such affirmations empower you and remind you of who you really are – and that you are not alone.

Fourth: When you notice that you are feeling badly because you are focused on negative thoughts, absolutely question them: Ask the questions,  Is that true? Is my thought really, absolutely true? And, then ask yourself, “How do I know that is not so?” then, ask yourself for proofs that your thought is not so, taking the proofs from your own life experience? You want to break the pattern of your mind getting you into trouble…and you can by questioning them and then checking out your proofs that they make no sense from your own past experience.

Fifth:  Process and Forgive, Forgive, Forgive. Along the same line of thinking, if you do find that you are angry with yourself or anyone else (including a deceased loved one), work through this by processing (noticing and feeling) your feelings and thoughts, then release them by intentionally breathing them out– while forgiving yourself, first, and then others, if possible. Forgiveness primarily serves you. Carrying around unresolved, irritating issues gets in your way of manifesting your hopes and dreams. This is because resentments are such low energetic vibrations and therefore interfere with you experiencing feelings of peace and well-being (which are high energetic vibrations).

Sixth: Choose Love. Rather than fear of not being able to keep up with the parents of the other kids who are overstuffing their kids’ lives with activities, choose to be present for your kids with your loving Presence. Your children need love to feel confident and secure about who they are. You are helping to mold the beautiful beings they are becoming. You want to help them remember who they are…magnificent beings of Love and Compassion. Your gift of your full attention and being fully present when you are with them, rather than talking on your phone or to a friend or neighbor, will serve you and your children’s life- potential. This is your way of validating how important they are as souls with whom you share your journey.

Also, bear in  mind what really matters. For example, I am reminded of Randy Pousch’s The Last Lecture in which he shared that his parents had allowed him to draw on his bedroom walls. Oh, how I wish I had provided my children with this gift! It bolsters their creativity and validation of their unique gifts.

Seventh: Pray!  When feeling stressed and overwhelmed by the sense of struggle, do not hesitate to simply offer a simple prayer of “Please, help me, angels (or God). Please. You are so lovingly cared for. Just ask…even if you do not believe, ask!!! And do not hesitate to ask for signs that your angels hear you.

Eighth: Join a supportive community of moms with similar interests in which you feel included and can share your thoughts, feelings, actions and receive feedback.

Ninth: Be mindful of your blessings and express your gratitude, via offering words, journaling and prayer

Tenth: Develop and Listen to your own Intuitive Wisdom. The older you are, the more opportunities you have to hear and respond to the quiet, still inner voice which speaks to you. Your intuition is part of your power. As a mom who comes to motherhood later than earlier, you are blessed with an awareness of your own intuitive guidance. Learning to trust this inner voice empowers you in parenting your children, improving your marriage and enabling you to better deal with life’s challenges.

Carve out time for yourself - and your partner- on a weekly basis. Love yourself enough to take time to replenish body, mind and spirit. Make intimacy a priority with your partner. Parenting, grieving and dealing with life’s challenges use much of your life- force energy. If you do not set aside time to replenish, you will run out of needed energy to have the quality of life that you and your loved ones deserve.

Finally, Love is what you are here for: Unconditional Love of Self and of others.  Nothing else matters as much as making Love your priority when being a parent, spouse or caretaker of parents and others. The challenges are great, but the rewards are even greater!!!!

Susan Apollon is a psychologist, author and educator. Her latest book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope (Matters of the Soul, 2010, ISBN: 978-0-9754036-9-3, $24.95, www.HealingStoriesOfLoveLossAndHope.com) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers. For more information, please visit www.HealingStoriesOfLoveLossAndHope.com or www.TouchedByTheExtraordinary.com.

A Very Special Place - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I experienced another stressful and unexpected event in my life last week. I think I am getting used to all of these stressful and unexpected events that occur almost daily, if not weekly. This one, however, truly touched my soul. And it pertains to my dog, Maxi. My favorite of my two dogs. My “doggie soul mate,” if you will. Yet, unlike all of the other stressful and unexpected events that have been occurring in my life, this one has a very happy ending. However, I digress.

Last Thursday my husband and I took our dog, Maxi, for a check up. I knew going into the appointment that I had many questions and some anxiety about certain issues Maxi was experiencing. The biggest of those issues was that Maxi had 3 golf ball size fatty lipomas in his upper chest. We had one biopsied a year ago, which turned out to be benign. However, over the past year, Maxi developed two more, with one extending under his armpit. The Veterinarian who examined him last year, was concerned about the spreading of the lipoma because he told us that if the lipoma spread much more under the arm pit, it could put pressure on some nerves that run through the arm pit area and cause some nerve function difficulties, possibly making it difficult for Maxi to walk.

Maxi had other issues as well: He had something on his chest that looked like a Melanoma. He had a growth on one of his front paws that he licked constantly. The licking was causing a minor infection. He also had dental problems. And to my surprise, there was a mass growing on Maxi’s gums that the doctors were most concerned and suspicious of. And all of this had to be taken into consideration with Maxi’s age of 12 years old.

Knowing that Maxi is truly my dog, my husband deferred the decision of Maxi having surgery to me. And I had the option of having some of the issues taken care of, all of the issues dealt with, or do nothing. I asked the Vet what the procedure would entail if I decided to have everything taken care of. He outlined step by step what Maxi would be going through. Additionally, because we would having the surgery at this Veterinary Hospital, we were also told that we could leave Maxi for a few days in their “Rehab” area. In that area, he would be watched 24 hours a day by a Vet and assistant staff who would be doing all of the aftercare for Maxi such as change bandages, give medication, etc. That sealed the deal in my mind. Because we have another dog in our home along with a rambunctious child, I was enamored with the fact that Maxi would be in the main hospital facility for two days and then transferred to “rehab” after that for several days of aftercare. I gave the Vet the go ahead as my poor dog sat on my feet, trembling, and looking up to me for reassurance. I bent down, hugged him close and with as much mind power that I could muster, I told Maxi, through my eyes, that he would be perfectly fine, but that I would be there for him and he would absolutely be coming back home to me. I could swear I felt him trembling a little less after that.

Due to the fact that my husband had to go back to work, and we came with only one car, my husband drove me home so that I could get my own car along with my laptop to keep my mind distracted with busywork during the surgery.

As I was driving back to the hospital, the Vet called me on my cell phone to say that they took blood from Maxi and did chest x-rays to see if the lipomas has spread to a more dangerous or complicated degree. I was told that Maxi’s blood work was like “that of a puppy,” which meant that he would probably withstand anesthesia well. And the chest x-rays showed the lipomas with the spreading of tissue under the armpit, but nothing that looked dangerous. This meant Maxi was cleared for surgery.

From start to finish, the surgery took 6 hours. And this incredible Vet took the time to come out and explain what had been done with each issue that needed intervention. He was calm, warm, caring and compassionate. I needed this Vet as the one to oversee Maxi’s surgery. Heck, I needed this Vet to oversee me!

I prayed for a good outcome every step of the way. I asked God to watch over Maxi because besides my son, Maxi is all I have in this world. I wrote on Facebook for my friends to please pray for Maxi. I received an outpouring of well wishes and speedy recovery messages from that post, along with messages to help me think positively. My friends are a huge part of my world. They comforted me to no end.

And now for the special part. Once the surgery was over, the Vet came out to tell me how successful everything went. He knew I looked drained. I hadn’t eaten anything all day, as I felt nauseous throughout the whole 6-hour ordeal. He helped me pack up my things and told me to go home and that I could call later to check up on Maxi. I could have kissed this man. He was a hero in my eyes.

Now, the fact that this animal hospital has a “rehab” center is amazing in and of itself. It also has a boarding facility where healthy dogs are boarded when their owners go away. We board both of our dogs there too. And the staff in the boarding facility love Maxi just as much (well, maybe not just as much) as I do. When I spoke to the clerical staff, they put me on the phone with one of the young men who I knew well from the boarding area. He told me how well Maxi was doing. He also told me that he crawled into Maxi’s cage and laid down with him for about 15 minutes and rubbed Maxi’s back as Max gave this young man a “face bath.” I was shocked. Where would someone at an animal hospital get into an animal’s cage to comfort them? I told this young man that I absolutely couldn’t thank him enough and that he made my evening much less stressful knowing that someone gave my dog some extra attention.

The next day, Maxi was doing so well, that instead of spending two days in the hospital facility, Maxi was going to be transferred to the “rehab” facility a day early. When I spoke with another young man who happened to also love Maxi, he told me how well Max was doing and offered to take a couple pictures of Maxi with his cell phone and e-mail them to me (see below). I was blown away!! Where in the world would employees take the time to take a picture of your animal for you while in the hospital and e-mail them to you?? I told him he made my day like he couldn’t imagine.

And the most important thing was not only the love, caring and attention Maxi received, but that the same doctor called every single day, right after he finished “rounds” to give me a medical update on Maxi! I am blown away by this incredible and amazing facility. I have had family members in real hospitals that never received this level of care and attention!! And to even track down a doctor, any doctor, to find out how your family member was doing was a full-time job in and of itself!

My Maxi will probably be home and resting on my bed as you read this. I needed to share this incredible situation because I kept thinking, “What if it was my son who had this type of surgery?” I would be allowed to stay in his room and hold his little hand, but would he get the same level of caring, love and compassion from the employees? Would he be made to feel as “special,” as my dog was? To be quite honest, I highly doubt it. I do know that Pediatric hospital staff tends to have more compassion and caring than employees who take care of the adult staff. But to find such exceptional care for a dog is beyond incredible. Perhaps actual medical staff that takes care of people should do rotations at this veterinary hospital. Maybe medicine, like old dogs, could be taught some necessary new tricks.

I would like to thank the entire staff at the Long Island Veterinary Specialists hospital. Every single employee made me and my dog feel special and cared for. The surgical team was exemplary. The rehab employees were priceless. And a very special thank you to Anthony and Eric for loving my dog as if he was their own!