Cyma Chats with Samantha Parent Walravens, editor, TORN

1) In your new book, "Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood," you feature 47 women who have, at times, found ingenious ways to combine motherhood with a career. What compelled you to write this book?

The inspiration for TORN was a moment 10 years ago that I like to refer to as the “Box of Cheerios Incident.” I was working long hours at Silicon Valley SW company, with a two-year old at home and another baby on the way. My husband traveled quite a bit for his job and my family lived across the country, so I felt very alone and unsupported as a mother. Got home one night at 8 p.m. after a 12-hour day to find my husband and two-year old at the kitchen table, asking me what we were having for dinner. It was at that moment that my “inner Superwoman”—who thought she could DO IT ALL—snapped. I grabbed box of Cheerios, slammed on table, and told them to make their own dinner.

It was at this moment that I realized that I couldn’t DO IT ALL. I was raised in the 70’s and 80’s—post- Gloria Steinem—and women of my generation were told that we COULD DO IT ALL—pursue a career, get married, have kids, give back to the community by volunteering, and more. What our feminist foremothers didn’t tell us was that DOING IT ALL was a recipe for a nervous breakdown!

2) What is the single most common trait that these mothers share?

The women who wrote stories in TORN are college-educated and career-minded. That doesn’t mean that they are all affluent, by any means. Most of the women work out of economic necessity. Not all are still working, but they all had jobs at one time or another.

3) What is the single most common experience that these mothers share?

I’m not sure if I can pinpoint a common experience. I can, however, pinpoint a common feeling-- that of “mommy guilt.” There is a whole section in the book titled, “Got Guilt?” It's interesting how guilt is part of the female lexicon-- whether we work, stay at home, or do both. Why don’t we ever hear about “daddy guilt?” In one of the stories, “Moms Just Can’t Win,” the writer talks about the “S” word—“Should.” As women and mothers, we get so much unsolicited advice thrown at us about how we "should" raise our kids, how we "should" stay in shape, how we "should" feed our kids organic, unprocessed food, how we "should" find a healthy balance between work and family. All of the "shoulds" that bombard us every day are driving us mad!

4) With the increasing pace of technology and the often resultant isolation these women feel, what have you/they concluded about their seeking commonality/community among other women?

I wrote this book, in part, because hearing the stories of other women struggling to meet the demands of home and work life made me feel less alone. My hope is that the stories gathered in this book will benefit the thousands of mothers who struggle with the same concerns day in and day out. Many of us are too exhausted at the end of the day to find the time and energy to meet up with girlfriends to share our experiences, and many of us lack the opportunity to learn from one another’s efforts.

Knowing that WE ARE NOT ALONE when we cannot seem to handle a particularly difficult situation will go a long way in helping us avoid self-blame. Knowing when our expectations of ourselves—and others—are unrealistic will also help us to avoid feelings of self-doubt and frustration. And appreciating that there sometimes ARE no perfect solutions—that sometimes GOOD ENOUGH has just got to do—will offer us comfort.

5) Midlife mothers are, perhaps, in one of the most problematic situations. (Often) already immersed in very successful careers, motherhood becomes an even greater struggle given their own accomplishments, especially when combined with other external forces such as aging parents, perimenopause, etc. What do you suggest for and conclude about for this group?

Women who have children at a later age have often achieved a level of professional success and financial security that younger mothers have not, and, in many cases, are very ready to welcome a child into their lives. But older or younger, having a child rocks your world. Just the day-to-day tasks that you once took for granted-- sleeping, eating, showering, exercising, working—become difficult and sometimes impossible to accomplish when you have a tiny, helpless human being clinging to you for survival. On a more spiritual level, your visions and hopes for the future can be dramatically altered. You are no longer living for just YOU. Being responsible for the life of another human being makes you think about the things like global warming and the future of our planet, the chemicals and hormones that we put in our food, the safety of the water we drink, the federal deficit and the economic stability of our country. We want to leave the world a better place for our children to live in.

6) A reviewer noted that the women in your book need to balance the "need to nurture with the need to work." I love that thought. Can you speak further about this dilemma?

TORN is all about women speaking the truth about motherhood today. Sure, you can go ahead and keep telling all the women in your book group how beautiful your whole life is, but for me, it was time for a reality check. I didn’t realize that being a mother would make me feel so unsuccessful. I didn’t realize that motherhood would involve so many sacrifices. I didn’t know I’d lose control. I didn’t know the skills I honed at work would not be transferable or, worse, would be transferable in really unappealing ways. As one mom told me, “I was on an important conference call one day when I watched my two-year old—through glass doors—paint the white dining room furniture RED. When my husband asked me later on what had happened to our beautiful dining room set, I told him I was just ‘multitasking.’

Women need to get real with each other and admit that: 1)Motherhood is really, really hard; 2) No one does it perfectly and, 3) There IS no real balance when it comes to kids and career.

Just when you think you’ve figured it out and life is rolling along smoothly, something WILL happen to throw you off balance.

7) It appears as if many of these high-powered women, who are accustomed to success, must often restructure their thought-processes and often accept defeat -- that is, the realization that they just can't “do it all," or "do it all well." What are your own personal thoughts about this?

Sure, you can go ahead and keep telling all the women in your book group how beautiful your whole life is, but for me, it was time for a reality check. I didn’t realize that being a mother would make me feel so unsuccessful. I didn’t realize that motherhood would involve so many sacrifices. I didn’t know I’d lose control. I didn’t know the skills I honed at work would not be transferable or, worse, would be transferable in really unappealing ways. As one mom told me, “I was on an important conference call one day when I watched my two-year old—through glass doors—paint the white dining room furniture RED. When my husband asked me later on what had happened to our beautiful dining room set, I told him I was just ‘multitasking.’

The illusion that often clouds our vision is that other women are doing it better. Other women are getting it right. They are managing to have it all, with energy and spirit to spare. Yet the very fact that this illusion exists does a great disservice to the majority of us who are striving to get it right and just can’t figure out how the heck to do it.

And that’s why I wrote this book. When I reached out to other women to find out how they were managing the demands of family and career, I received a passionate response from so many of them, who told me, in their own inscrutable words—“WE ARE NOT DOING IT ALL! And who the heck ever told us that we should be doing it all in the first place?” That’s not liberation. It’s hell!

8) As the mother of four children, you must have experienced much of what was written. How did writing this book help you in your personal search for answers?

I wish I could tell you that I've discovered the "magic elixir" for achieving balance in my life, but alas, balance is an elusive dream. I remind myself to "let go" and not seek perfection in all that I do. My kids will be fine if they don't eat an organic, made-from-scratch meal every night. My house doesn't have to look "guest ready" at every moment. I try to compartmentalize my work-- since I work from home-- and work from 9-3 when the kids are in school. That is where I fail most. I call my iPhone my "5th appendage." I have a hard time putting it down and not constantly checking emails. Lastly, my husband and I try to go on "date night" once a week. Keeping your marriage intact through the craziness of kids and career is tough.

9) What single piece of advice would you give new midlife mothers regarding combining careers with the desire for new older motherhood?

JUST LET GO.

If there is one message you can take away from this book, it’s that THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO DO motherhood. Women need to stop judging each other for the choices others make—and stop judging ourselves. We are our own worst enemy. The women who are the happiest are the ones who delete the SHOULD word (I call it the S word) from their vocabulary, and do what is best for them and their family. Also—the issue of work-life balance is not just a women’s issue. Until men take part in the conversation, change won’t happen.

Samantha Parent Walravens is an award-winning journalist, writer and mother of four children. She started her writing career as an editor for PC World magazine, where she covered business and technology, and launched the magazine’s first web site, PC World Online. She left journalism to chase the “Internet dream” in the mid-1990s, helping to grow a small Silicon Valley software start-up into a multi-million dollar public company. She has since returned to her true passion, writing, and has authored articles on topics including politics, business, lifestyle and women’s issues. TORN: True Stories of Kids, Career &the Conflict of Modern Motherhood is her first book. Samantha is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Princeton University and has a Masters in Literature and Women’s Studies from the University of Virginia. She can be found at http://samanthawalravens.com/main.

Midlife Mothering And Learning by the Bell Curve By Cyma Shapiro

A funny thing has happened to me during the past few weeks. I’ve made awarenesses that I know are designed to teach me fundamental truths about my life. They look like this:

I’m a very driven person. I know what I like and I go after it; in most cases I get it. Mothering after 45 is one example; and in that case, I was certain I knew what life would be like after that. I was wrong. In fact, I was dead wrong. It has been like this for many other things that have followed: the advent of my next child at age 48; my belief that our friends and social circles would stay the same after children; the belief that it’s possible to become a mother and maintain the same friends, job, house, husband and, most importantly, the rhythm of your previous life.  Let’s see…I believed that my women’s project – examining the underlying beliefs and reasons for choosing motherhood over 40 – would flourish in a particular manner, in a particular timeframe.  It has been successful, but not in the manner I expected.  In reflecting on this all, I now also remember some of my previous beliefs - that the biological clock was mere hyperbole – that one was, perhaps, a tad bit unrealistic. My most recent belief?  That menopause would somehow overlook me.  And, now this - that my launching another blog site for midlife mothers would also allow me to continue writing for MotherhoodLater.  It will not.

While many of you might have seen some of these changes coming, no one is more surprised than me. And, I keep being surprised. I also keep thinking that I have it all in check; that life will turn out the way I expect it to, but, in fact, it doesn’t. Nearly ever. “Expectations,” my husband always says to me, “You have too many expectations.” But in the moment, nothing seems out of my grasp and everything seems doable and easily attainable for my life.  How very wrong I often am.

So here I am at a really sad juncture. MotherhoodLater Founder, Robin, allowed me my voice again; gave me latitude for pursuing my thoughts, goals and dreams. And I took the bull by the horn and went for it all. And, in getting most of it, I now need to let go – of Robin, and of MotherhoodLater. 

This is tough.  Despite the corniness of this, it really does feel like the child leaving her mother; the school-girl going to high school; the young adult getting married. For everything that moves forward, something (or someone) nearly always gets left behind. And, now it’s my dear friend, Robin.

Oh, I’ve no doubt we’ll remain good friends, but that mentoring relationship; that nurturing under the wing so-to-speak is gone. Now, I’m on a ledge alone, much like I imagine she already is.

So, here I go into the unknown. Two more weeks on this site, but I’ve already started saying my “good-byes.” Growing up is SO hard to do…

I’m Coming Back In…..by Cyma Shapiro

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I was not enjoying being a mother. My children were grappling with issues, our lives had become complicated; we had also experienced a few tragedies. All of this compounded my feeling that without a happy home, life had just become…well…just too hard.

I’m happy to say that, in our therapist’s terms, I’m “coming back in” to our lives. Things are ironing themselves out (as they often do), and I’m now aware that time is passing and I must keep pace.

I’ve often written that for me, being a midlife mother brings a razor-sharp awareness that life will not go on forever. I never recognized this; at midlife, and with children, I most certainly do.

It’s SO easy to forget about the good, small things that happen daily as children grow. It’s SO easy to get mired in daily problems and yearly concerns. It’s SO easy to feel like the issues of today will still be the issues of tomorrow; our children’s angst will continue on into infinity, etc. etc.

The truth is that they grow and, hopefully, we grow (up) too!

Today, I will remind myself again of how happy I am to be a midlife mother; how happy I am to be sharing my life with my children; how happy I am for the people they are becoming.

Here’s my deal: Exercise, exercise, exercise. Pray, pray, pray. Meditate, meditate, meditate.

I try sooooooo hard to keep it all together.

OM…………….

Midlife Mothering by Robin Gorman Newman

This past weekend, we made a trip to Hartford, CT to meet up with my friend Cyma, who is the "brainchild" behind a special new exhibit called Nurture, a collection of stories, told through black 'n white photos and words, of women who chose motherhood after 40.

We were invited to be part of this show, and a few months ago, did a photo shoot with the super talented Shana Sureck, (our portrait from the show at right) one of  two photographers who captured the images of the 20+ families on display in CT.  Cyma, an excellent writer and later mom who blogs for MotherhoodLater.com on Sundays, interviewed the mothers, and shared their poignant stories, including mine.

It was such a heartfelt experience, and I felt honored to be included.

One thing was evident.  Though all "later" moms come to parenthood through different means, motivations, etc., there was no doubt that each has such gratitude for the mothering experience.  Love was the commonality, despite potential challenges along the parenthood road...whether prior to becoming a mom and not knowing how or if it would happen....and/or by parenting a child with special needs.....or just being a mom, period, which isn't easy no matter how old you are.  (Anyone doing it, knows that.)

Some had both younger kids and older ones.

There were single moms. 

Lesbian couples.

Rabbis.

Stay at home moms.

Working moms.

Even a surrogate mom.

You name it.

And, this was only a sampling of  the moms. Cyma has interviewed over 50 from around the world.  Her drive and passion is truly admirable.

Cyma's hope is that Nurture will become a traveling exhibit, resulting in more 'n more recognition of the choices midlife women have made and that they should feel empowered by their decision. Ultimately, she'd love the stories to be shared in book form.  No doubt it would be embraced by anyone who has chosen to become a parent later.

I couldn't agree more about the message at hand.

It is for this very reason that I launched Motherhood Later...Than Sooner when my son was less than one.  It has since taken on a life of its own with a website, online communities, free in-person chapters worldwide, bloggers, newsletters, etc. Who knew how it would grow when it was born?  It began quite simply as a support group in New York.  But, what I knew was that later moms need and deserve to be supported and embraced and connected to each other.  Parenting takes work, no matter your age, but there are unique pros and challenges to being 40+.  No one likes feeling like the oldest mom in the playground, myself included, especially if judgment from society comes along with that (which can indeed be the case).

I have often said, when I do press interviews, that in Hollywood, it's commonplace to be a 40+ mom, and even sexy.  Celebrities display their pregnant bellies proudly, making headlines when they do it later in life.  And, no one has a negative word to say, or at least the media doesn't present it that way. Yet, on a grassroots level, it can feel like a lonely place.  And, add to that the fact that you might be caring for a senior parent.  The term sandwich generation then applies to you, and that's not a simple place to be.  You are doing double care-taking duty and that can carry a lot of stress.

For all these reasons, us later moms needs to stick together.  It's a girls club that I am proud to be a part of.  And between MotherhoodLater.com and the efforts of a pioneering mom like Cyma, those contemplating later in life mothering will hopefully find themselves filled with more hope than trepidation.  We are paving the way as parents for those yet to follow in our footsteps.  And, the children of these later moms-to-be will be lucky to have been so very wanted....however they come into their lives.  They will know a bond and devotion unlike any they've experienced.  True love knows no age.

Gratitude, the Internet and One-Half Year to Mother’s Day by Cyma Shapiro

My shaman and I are working on my keeping gratitude – living with it as a daily, inherent practice; praying or meditating frequently; keeping the glass ‘half-full’ rather than seeing the glass as ‘half empty.’ For me, the basis for this is to maintain myself as a woman and as a midlife mother. However, in order to do so I must stay grounded, humble and full of gratitude and grace. Some days I can barely breathe.  I must remind myself often of what is most important.

 When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I am thankful I have a cup.  --Sam Lefkowitz

As many of you remember, I wrote about this subject nearly six months ago. In “Gratitude is a Nine Letter Word,” I began with this:  “For many years in my yoga classes (pre-children), I had trouble finding the ‘gratitude’ that the teachers requested of us, especially during our parting word, “Namaste” (meaning: the light/spirit in me acknowledges the light/spirit in you).  While I knew that it was necessary to acknowledge the goodness in my life; the people who had sustained me; the loves I had found; and the joys that I experienced, the truth was that I was always just surviving the day only to run home and find solace and peace in the solitude of my home, alone. The truth was that I was rarely happy.

I ended that blog with this:  “Although my childrearing years have come at a later age than most, and there are certainly days that I ponder and sometimes grieve the truth of that, I am now nearly always hopeful about myself, my life and the lifetime of potential for my children.  Having gratitude provides a constant stream of strength and power which I draw from daily in my quest for a good, compassionate and life-affirming existence. I pray often and constantly give thanks. I am now just grateful to be alive, AND to have my children.”

Nearly daily I seek to reinforce my gratitude in a variety of ways. Today, I found it on the Internet – a place I seem to be residing in, lately; a place which is having a profound impact on me. While searching for Gratitude websites, I stumbled on these: gratitudephotoblog; gratitudebook; gratitudelog; barbaraquinnyearofgratitude;  gratefulness.org;  Opgratitude and the mother of all  of these - the Gratitude Directory. NetworkedBlogs showed me even more: Once a Millionaire’s Daughter; Attitude of Gratitude; Following Your Joy; Gratitude Blog; Still Life With Noise; Without Fear; Gratitude with Attitude; the Power of Gratitude. But, I hadn’t found what I was seeking….

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice. - Meister Eckhart

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy - because we will always want to have something else or something more. -Brother David Steindl-Rast

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving .-  Kahlil Gibran.

Then I stumbled on writer Bethany Saltman’s blog post, “Zen for Moms: Letting Your Life Teach You,” and I felt at home.  Here are some excerpts:

1) Let your life be a question

Instead of resigning yourself to everything you encounter—irritating people, sibling rivalry, exhaustion, jealous feelings, diarrhea—approach it all as a question, a puzzle that is worthy of your investigation. Assume you don’t know what’s going on, or the whole story. 

2) Move your awareness in, instead of out

This is simple, but first it’s important to become aware of awareness. When we get upset about anything, bring awareness to our bodies in whatever way we can muster: our racing heart, our streaming tears, clenched jaw. And when we feel happy, hungry, bored, again, move awareness back in. Relax the body. This doesn’t mean we get self-obsessed. It’s one of those great paradoxes and one of the central teachings of Zen: embodying ourselves is the only way to become truly available to everyone else, including our kids.

And, finally:

3) Cultivate gratitude

Easier on some days than others, I know. When kids are screaming, it’s raining out, you’re broke, you haven’t washed your hair in a week, and all you want to do is eat bread and butter. It’s tough to slow down the train of despair and get in touch with gratitude. But since so much of our agony stems from self-concern; if what we really want is to feel some relief, it’s helpful to get some perspective. Take a moment. Look around. Is everyone healthy? Are you able to feed your kids? Do you have a home?  Friends?  Chances are, you’ve got something pretty incredible to be grateful for. Take a deep breath and start over.

I’m breathing better now. The words envelope me; the thoughts resonate deeply. It’s ok to be me and more than ok to be a midlife mom. Six months to Mother’s Day.  I’m grateful and I’m smiling.

Next Week’s Blog: Teaching Gratitude to Our Children

A Community of Women by Cyma Shapiro

I was struck by a conversation I recently had with an acquaintance about her extraordinarily large women’s group. She explained that while this metropolitan group has approximately 700 members, only 100 or so women are considered “active.”  Of those, the numbers decline as the ‘camps’ become set – that is, women over or under 35 or 40; women who work; women who are stay-at-home mothers; women with special needs children – the list is endless. For her, the end result is a core group of six to seven like-minded women with whom she has bonded. The conversation resonated with me; I’ve also just found my community – Midlife Mothers – in fact, I’d even say it’s “All Mothers,” and I’ve found many of them with or on the Internet. I would like to share my thoughts about this -  

According to Wikipedia:

In biological terms, a community is a group of interacting organisms sharing a populated environment. In human communities, intent, belief, resources, preferences, needs, risks, and a number of other conditions may be present and common, affecting the identity of the participants and their degree of cohesiveness.

In sociology, the concept of community has led to significant debate, and sociologists are yet to reach agreement on a definition of the term. There were ninety-four discrete definitions of the term by the mid-1950s.^[1] Traditionally a "community" has been defined as a group of interacting people living in a common location. The word is often used to refer to a group that is organized around common values and is attributed with social cohesion within a shared geographical location, generally in social units larger than a household. 

The word "community" is derived from the Old French communité which is derived from the Latin communitas (cum, "with/together" + munus, "gift"), a broad term for fellowship or organized society.^[2]

Since the advent of the Internet, the concept of community no longer has geographical limitations, as people can now virtually gather in an online community and share common interests regardless of physical location.

This brings me to my second thought – the Web.  On first glance, the first dozen Mommy-related sites read like this: workitmoms; mothersclick, connectedmoms, mothersnature, nurturemoms, nourishedmother, mommythink, wholemotheringcenter. Other sites like Pjmommy, mothersbeheard, MotherhoodLaterThanSooner, cafemom, and Christian-mommies.com further specialize in their arenas.  Add it up and you get a whopping hundreds, perhaps thousands of Mommy and women-related sites.

A writer once penned, “Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but the Internet is a BFF (Best Friend Forever) to women navigating motherhood for the first time.” I believe this is true. While our foremothers were isolated in their endeavors and relegated to their families or local communities, women with computers can find unlimited ways to connect with other women, all from the security and comfort of their own homes. 

Now, any woman can find solace and support with innumerable numbers of sites offering advice, a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.  And it’s all for free. Seeking a new playgroup? You can easily find it online. Need items for sale or support groups, it’s now one click away. The end result is a breathtaking array of available options. But, let’s not forget our topic: the community of women.

Today, given this colossal beast - the Internet - no one need ever feel alone or isolated – there’s something and someone for everyone. And, I think that’s what I’m really feeling: I, too, am no longer isolated – as a mom, as a midlife mom, as a woman, and, yes, as a partner in a marriage. Today, I truly feel my place, my purpose and my desires. And, I owe some of it to my time on the Internet. So, to those of you still feeling out of sorts, we say, “Join us here at Motherhood Later,” or anywhere else that suits you. We can be found in every conceivable community across the world, and we’re waiting for you.

Trust by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted with my son today (Sunday).  I woke up this morning (while he was at ice skating with his father) to find out that various cables, cords, etc. had been unplugged to my computer, modems, etc. in my office.    I was livid and unable to function until Marc, my husband, came home to help put things back together.  Technical matters are not my strength.

It got me thinking.  There was a horrible story in the news last week about a son (30 year old) who brutally killed his parents and then took off on a plane to Israel.  Granted he had documented psychiatric problems,  but it led me to consider the fact that as parents, we never know what/who we are raising.

We do our best....and especially if a child is adopted....as is my son....we don't always have all the biological information we would otherwise be privvy to from our own lineage.  Not to say that adoptive children are any more troublesome than others, it's just that we are operating often more from a place of unknown.

That said, I am in a state at the moment of  distrust with Seth.  

What he did to my office was a total violation of my personal property and a complete lack of respect for my things and the time I spend at my computer (too much I recognize).  It felt like a huge slap in the face and one that I am still having trouble grappling with in my mind.

Additionally, during my senior dad's latest weekend stay with us, Seth took bills from his wallet which we discovered as he was preparing to return home.  Seth denied it, then ultimately admitted it.  It was upsetting, especially to my father, and I've told my dad that he should never leave his wallet in the room they share at bedtime.

I plan to go to the hardware store later today and purchase a padlock for my office....or will call in a locksmith if it comes to that.  I'm not thrilled feeling the need to go this length...but I DON'T TRUST my son.  And, I told him so.

In a fit of rage, while he was at skating, I took out two large garbage bags and loaded them up with some of his favorite toys in the living rooms, and took his wallet, and various other items, and tucked them away/out of sight in a closet in a garage.

I asked Seth why he did what he did, and he offered no explanation.  I also asked if he thought an apology might be in order, and he said "sorry."  He looked sad.  But, was he truly remorseful or was he sorry because I took away his toys and he wanted them back?  Can you teach regret or remorse to a child?  And, if so, how?

Was this punishment the right choice, especially for a child who has so much?  For how long will he miss the toys?  And, will it truly bother him that I said I don't trust him anymore or will he be over it tomorrow?  Does having my trust mean anything to him?  I feel like it does...or at least it should.  Other than my love, if he doesn't care about trust, then what?!

I love him, but I can't look at him right now.  I know my emotions are raw as I write this, and they will ease.

It's just that we put so much time and energy into our children, if we endeavor to be what to us feels like a good parent.  Everyone's definition and perception of that is different, and there's no right or wrong. 

But, how do you raise a child who values their property and that of others?

Is this a phase typical for a 7 year old? What was his motivation?

I may never know.

But, I would love to hear from you.  Has your child exhibited behavior that felt destructive or wrong?  And, if so how did you handle it so that they learned a lesson that would stick with them?

GUEST BLOG POST: Busting Myths about Moms Returning to the Workplace by Leslie Evans Thorne

Lately, I’ve had the chance to hear from moms who are considering a return to the workplace. Some are excited, others are apprehensive, and most are a little of both. As I listen to them, -- their questions, fears, and concerns -- I realize that several themes keep repeating themselves.

Here are some questions I hear…with my answers:

What salary can I expect to earn after being out of the workforce for years?

The implication here is that your skills are rusty and won’t be worth as much as before. Rubbish. Put that one right out of your head. I never bought into this line of thinking, and I’m encouraging you not to do it either. Look, if you used to be an accountant, you are still an accountant. Your value hasn’t changed. If you used to be able to do PR, then you can still do PR. Just because you haven’t used the skills in a while doesn’t mean that they have degraded. You just need a little practice! You must have confidence in yourself and in your skills and convey that to a prospective buyer.

Will I have to take a paycut?

No. It’s possible that you can expect a pay raise. The only reason you might have to take a pay cut is that the economy has changed, it’s an employer’s market, and some pay ranges have shifted. So, the answer really depends on the market. It does not depend on your being a mom or being out of the workforce for a period of time.

It’s important to know what you are worth BEFORE you approach the market. Once you decide what type of work you want to do, you will need to find out the pay scale for that job (or project) in your locale. Check job search websites, google payscales, and make sure that you are asking the question in your networking meetings with people.

Remember that your value in the marketplace has a lot to do with how your perceive yourself. Do you believe that what you do will provide value to a company? It’s up to you to create a value proposition for yourself…and then sell it to others.

Will it be more difficult for me to find a job as a mom?

Again, it depends on how you see yourself.

If you think that you have been cocooned from the workplace, focused on being a mom, and not using traditional work skills, you might have difficulty. I hear moms say all the time that they worry about how long they have been “out” of the workplace.

I see it differently. Moms are in a crash course and learn skills that are incredibly valuable in the marketplace. Moms learn how to plan, be organized, have great time management skills. They learn to manage the family’s calendar with play dates, school trips, lessons, and everything else that comes with being a mom. They develop more intuitive emotional intelligence skills. Reflect on all those things you’ve learned by being a mom – and think about how they could translate into a work environment.

And, here’s another plug for the value of moms in the workplace, one that I believe in my heart. Moms learn quickly how to shift plans when something unexpected comes up, which happens all the time, right? Moms are required to be flexible and adaptable, which are two of the most desirable attributes in a world of uncertainty and unprecedented change. The world has changed since you were in the workplace. It’s no longer predictable and repetitive. So, as a mom, you have developed two of the most important skills of this new century – and you are offering that to a potential employer. That’s valuable. Help them to see the importance of what you have to offer, especially given the changing context of the world of work. And, then sell it to them, unabashedly. You are valuable. You have a lot to offer. Make the case to the employer and stand by it.

Being a mom is AN ADVANTAGE in the marketplace. Believe it. And, learn how to sell the skills you’ve developed in one of the most difficult jobs in the world.


Are you a mom looking to re-enter the workforce? Would you like to learn how to profit from your passions? Motherhoodlater.com & Reinvention coach Leslie Evans Thorne are offering a FREE Teleseminar for Moms Looking to Re-invent and Re-Enter the Workforce. Sign up today at MomsReinventCall.com. 10/19, 12noon EST. Learn 7 Smart Strategies. Free recording for all who register, so you don’t need to be on the call to get Leslie’s wise advice.

Leslie Evans Thorne reinvented her career three times – from U.S. Senate Legislative Assistant to International Trade Specialist for a NYC bank, to Corporate Trainer and Consultant – before deciding she wanted to help others reinvent. She has since spent over 15 years empowering many to unleash their potential, leverage talents and find meaningful and rewarding work. Whatever a person's professional aspiration, even if they feel stuck and uncertain, Thorne helps them think out of the box. She works with people of all backgrounds in varied industries, from CEOs to mailroom clerks, and is writing a book about the workplace of the future. She has appeared on CNN, The Employment Channel, and in Ladies Home Journal.com.

A Project Born of Love, Gratitude and Nurturing by Cyma Shapiro

The first leg of (the three-year journey of) my new older mothers project is nearly completed.  It is titled NURTURE: Stories of New Midlife Mothers and it features the words and photos of 25 (out of 50) new older mothers from across the country. In November, it will open as a traveling art gallery show. I hope it will close as a book.

These women subjects, ranging in age from 41 to 68, and coming from a variety of faiths, occupations, races, and circumstances represent nearly every conceivable family unit.  Their determination, willpower and perseverance to get/have/obtain their children is the common denominator in the show, and reflects the amazing desire of many women to both mother and/or procreate.  The convergence of these two aspects has birthed the very appropriate title: NURTURE.

Although my original intention was to gather a collection of iconoclastic (life) stories, it has become so much more: a project about gratitude, right intention, connection and giving back.  The project reflects truths, honesty and the sheer grit of being a mother.  It is a study into new older motherhood, compassion, nurturing and the overriding power of love. 

 In short, this entire experience has changed me. I expect it has changed the lives of some of these women who in voicing their “truths” have helped heal themselves,  and will hopefully help countless others. I started this project filled with many questions for others; it turns out that all along I was just looking for me. 

My project was intended to delve into the following questions:  Why did you do this now?  Would you do it again? How do you feel about new older motherhood?  Why do you think this group is rapidly increasing in numbers?  How do you think society views you?

I learned that most new older mothers never expect their lives to turn out this way. Many of us are just grappling with the reality of daily existence – whether it involves struggling with menopause while raising young children; parenting two generations; experiencing midlife in a differing way than our own parents did; or readjusting our own expectations of what we expect middle age to be. To add to the mix is society’s view of all of this…………………….

While we’re just plain living, to others we’re pioneering spirits forging a new path and creating a new road for future generations of women. While all mothers often say, “Huh?” in response to their rapidly and unexpectedly changing lives, many of us as older moms say the same thing, only we really mean: How did this get this way, what do we do now, where do we find comfort and nurturing and solace? The most important question, which is a constant reminder in our daily lives, is: How will we cram what used to be 40 or 50 years of living (with our children) into 20 or 30? For us, there really is a goalpost, a discernible ending to our great journey – much greater now than in our early adult years. For us, living can only be in the moment, right here and right now.

For us, too, the lessons we impart to our children have that much more importance for us, and maybe more intensity to them. For us, life isn’t to be wasted, but to be savored. Not that other people don’t think this way. But for many of us who pursued this aspect of our accelerating lives with a vengeance, defying age, circumstances and in some cases, gravity, this is our very foundation.  This, too, is what defines us and sometimes separates us in relation to the entire spectrum of mothers. So, to all of the midlife mothers around the world, I celebrate you, embrace you and welcome you into this new existence.  I’ve welcomed me, too.