Being Present for My Son by Robin Gorman Newman

I am feeling quite out of sorts these days and trying my best despite it to be present for my son.

My father, 93, suffered a series of strokes, and after two weeks in the hospital is now at an acute rehab facility/hospital getting therapy, etc.

It's really hard and sad to see him so compromised and to have to work so hard toward some semblance of recovery.

I find myself some days waking up in a funk and going to bed with a feeling of unease.  I know my father wouldn't want that....but I'm questioning the future.  Stroke is just so cruel.  Where is he going with all this? I miss what he was...my strong, gregarious dad.

I also know what he would want is for me to be the best possible mother to Seth.  I have always considered myself a somewhat playful mom....but of late....my spirits aren't the highest.  This week, after I gave a rousing greeting to our cockatiel Smokey, Seth commented how I don't use that tone of voice with him.

I felt badly, but was also grateful that he was able to express how he felt.  I explained that I have used that voice with him but these days I'm sad over grandpa, and working to recover myself from a bad knee injury, so my emotional and physical plate feels overflowing.  He understood, but what kids do so well is to live in the moment. And while he grasped what I said, his goal was to have his chipper mom back, and I' struggling to find that voice.

A wise friend of mine pointed out that these are Seth's childhood years, and yet he's spent a decent chunk of time in hospitals seeing my dad through various health scenarios.  It's a lot for a child, though Seth is a trooper and always manages to find medical equipment that peaks his curiosity.  No doubt he'd much rather be at a laser tag place, for example, but he has learned that there are things we do in life that aren't always easy and pleasant, especially for people we love...and he does love my father.  But, I have to make it clear to Seth that he is a priority too, since my father's matters often become more urgent.  That's the nature of living the sandwich generation life and one of the big challenges of later motherhood.

I just need to find some pleasure and downtime in the every day, despite my fear, concern, uncertainty, overwhelm, etc...but how to do that?  It's not easy for me.  I know that this too shall pass, as my beloved mom always said, and I know that no one lives forever.  But, I didn't see this coming for my dad.  I'm not saying this is the end for him, but life as he knew it, and we all did, changed in the blink of an eye.  He's tired.  We're all tired.

I guess all I can do at the end of the day is the best that I can do...whatever that is.  Be present for him.  My son.  My husband.  My friends. My sibling.  And myself.  And, if I need a good cry, let it out.

Sandwich Generation by Sharon O'Donnell

I've heard of The Sandwich Generation for years -- the group of people who are taking care of their parents in some way and also still caring for children -- kind of squeezed in between responsibilities, so to speak, like in between two pieces of bread. And here I am now as an official part of that generation. My parents are both 87 years old, and I'm blessed that they are still in relatively good health. But relatively good health at that age still means there are problems. Last summer, my father went through a bout with pneumonia that we didn't know whether or not he would be able to beat. For about three months, he was either at the doctor's office, the hospital, or resting at home, which for a normally active man who still ran his own business -was a huge change. That pneumonia, we discovered, was very possibly caused by an antibiotic called Macrabid that he'd taken a few days before he got sick; one of the side effects, particularly in elderly people, is pneumonia and other respiratory problems. He is better now, but it was touch and go for a while. He still drives and is actually a good driver. But a lot of times one of my siblings or I will take him to his doctor's appts. so that we can ask the questions that need to be asked, which my father usually won't do.

My mother suffers from macular degeneration, which means her eyesight is not good. She is still active and quite a cook, but she hasn't driven for years and has had back and leg problems. I'm lucky that I have a brother and two sisters who are all local too, so one of us can usually help our parents when needed. One of my sisters and my brother work with my dad in his business, so they are nearby the house a lot. My 89 year old uncle, a WWII vet who served in Italy, also lives with them ever since he got so he could not live by himself. He's never been 'right' since he came back home from Italy in 1945 - a long story --but suffice it to say that my parents have taken care of him since the mid-'70s or so, even though he lived in a house across the yard. My mother has always done his laundry, made his meals, etc. Now that is a bit tough for her.

And then I have an 11-year-old with allergies and a 17-year-old with anxiety (and a college junior that I don't have to worry about a lot right now other than the fact he lives in a frat house!). Kids and parents. Parents and kids. I love them all so much, but it does get overwhelming at times when they are all going through some challenge of the moment. I took my 11-year-old son and my mother to the beach last year because I felt guilty about not spending enough time with either of them. It was difficult to find things all three of us could do together. My son wanted to play mini golf, while there was no way my mother could go on those courses with all the climbing up into tree houses, etc. it required.

Being a part of The Sandwich Generation can be challenging; but, of course, I'm so blessed to have my parents for so long and in such good overall health. I'm blessed that my children have gotten to know their grandparents for this long, too. Being in the Sandwich Generation definitely has its rewards.

CYMA CHATS with Barbara Kaplan and Carol Teplin, authors of the new book: The Unheard Voice of the Aging Parent (Conflicts and Ambivalence in Intergenerational Relationships).

Q: Your book focuses on the adult/older parent relationship and methods to heal intergenerational conflicts. However, it's interesting to note that your viewpoint is not from the adult, but rather from the elderly parent. What prompted you to write this book from this perspective?

A: We found that the current literature did not reflect the elderly parent’s voice although there was a multitude of information about the “sandwich generation” and “caregivers” voice.  From our clinical experience, we gathered a wealth of information from that missing, unheard voice of the aging parent and we wanted to share that with readers and the professional community.

Q: Who are you in this book (the adult or the elderly parent)?

A: Barbara identifies with the voice of the middle aged child as she was a caregiver for an elderly parent. Carol identifies with being both the former caregiver of her elderly parent and now, a senior parent of middle aged children.

Q: In your private practice, what therapeutic techniques do you employ?

A: We use everything we talked about in the book from creative art therapy, more traditional verbal therapy, support groups, poetry, family therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, reminiscent therapy (in which we engage the patient through use of photos and the memories they conjure) and assertiveness training.

Q: What other therapeutic methods can be utilized to help heal deeply ingrained familial wounds?

A: We would like to think we covered a wide range of approaches to therapy in our work with seniors but of course, there are always other ways of treating and looking at the family, along with many schools and theories of psychology that can be implemented. Whatever the chosen approach however, we believe it is of utmost importance that a therapist enjoys working with any given population/age group

Q: In an aging population already often struggling with physical issues, do you find that uncovering unresolved emotional issues can be hazardous to an older individual's health?

A: As experienced clinicians, we know from our training when to delve into difficult emotional issues and when not to.  Sometimes it is more therapeutic to support the healthy part of the client and not uncover emotional issues or open old wounds.  We always keep in mind never to compromise the client’s health. 

Q: What do you hope can be gained by writing this book?

A: We gained a sense of accomplishment from working together and sharing our work experiences with the elderly.  We also gained a lot from our patients (i.e. understanding how they feel and what this age group struggles most with) and we hope the book reflects the wisdom they have so generously taught us.
 

Q: As adults have their children at a later age, it is often the younger adults who must take care of their (much) older parents. As this trend continues, what do you suggest that families do to make this "sandwich generation" more comfortable?

A: While the sandwich generation is not our main emphasis, we do think it was important to acknowledge that the roles they play can be difficult and riddled with conflict as well and burdensome at times. Our suggestion is that they network with others in the same situation so that they can share their feelings and learn how others are handling their similar situations. The internet makes that a lot easier today as evidenced by this exchange with you.

Q:  New older mothers already face many new challenges. As caretakers of the generations on both sides, what do you suggest for these already burdened mothers?

A: In addition to networking, we suggest support groups, church/temple groups, organizations such as the Alzheimer’s Foundation, workshops, classes, therapy, and reading the current literature.

Q: Caring for the elderly often seems to come much easier in some other cultures and societies. Why does it seem to be so difficult in our society?

A: We believe that many American caretakers are on physical, mental and emotional overload.  We have read that Asian cultures revere the elderly, however we  would not underestimate the American caretakers (mostly women) in their roles. We, as clinicians have been witness to how these caretakers care for, support and nurture the elderly in their families. Many women, including us, have experienced not only the difficult side of caretaking but also the joy and satisfaction it brings.

Dr. Barbara Kaplan has been in the field of psychotherapy for 30 years and is a practicing licensed Clinical Psychologist. She currently works in private practice in Great Neck, NY with a wide range of ages and also as a consultant in Port Washington, NY with seniors. Dr. Kaplan earned a fellowship from the American Institute of Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis in 1987 and certification in substance abuse counseling in 1999. She runs private workshops on such topics as Assertiveness Training, Single Parenthood, and Communication between Men and Women. Her research interests include patient self-disclosure in therapy and relationships between adult children and aging parents. She can be reached at BarbaraMKaplan@gmail.com.

Carol M. Teplin, B.S., M.P.S is a clinical mental health worker for the past 15 years, with specializations in alcohol, food and drug addictions. She is currently a director at Healing Process Workshops, Inc., working with 12 step clients to facilitate recovery from addictions. She has been a licensed mental health counselor in New York State since 2006. Carol runs seminars and weekend retreats for women in recovery through "Safe Place" and works as a consultant in Lynbrook, with senior men and women to help enhance their memory. Her contact information is

Cteplin.mtca@gmail.com

The Unheard Voice of the Aging Parent is published by O-Books (http://www.o-books.com/).

Fun -- by Robin

Why does it sometimes feel as if fun is so short-lived?

Seth and I had a terrific time away in Asheville, and since we've gotten home, life has felt full of challenges. It's amazing how things can seemingly turn on a dime.

Earlier this week I was out to lunch at the diner with my senior dad and his live-in aide...the same day he had two doctor appointments....follow-ups from his recent hospital stay. All was ok, he told me the doctors said. Then, just the next day, my father called me to say he was calling a car service to take him to the hospital because he was severely constipated.

I thought we were done for now with the hospital and my father, and I was grateful.

Why didn't he say anything to either doctor or me that he was struggling that day in the bathroom department? Why did he wait until it became a dire matter? It's like having another child....one who is 91.....and can't take care of himself.

Just yesterday I had a physical myself because it's time, and I haven't been feeling up to par since our trip. I await the results of the blood work and am trying not to be overly anxious about it. The raging hormones of perimenopause can cause many symptoms, I'm aware. Not to mention stress.

Then, we had a meeting at my son's school, and he's having some challenges which we need to address.

I also found out that a good friend of mine....a nurse.....slipped and fell at work on a wet floor and fractured a bone in her knee, and she's now out on workman's compensation, yet she was scheduled to retire early next month and go to Ireland, which she may not now be able to do.

And, let's add to the pot that my mother-in-law tore something in her arm....and is awaiting MRI results.

I was speaking on the phone with a friend today who said that maybe I should consider taking something like Lexapro. That she took it when she went through a particularly rough period, and it helped take some of the edge off. And, she's not a pill popper, nor am I. We both tend to be more holistically minded. So, I don't know.........

When did life get so complicated? So unpredictable. I used to welcome the unpredictable because it felt full of promise.

Now I ask.....

Where's the fun?

Where's the peace?

I don't have enough of either at the moment.

Can I jump on a plane back to Asheville and leave all this behind?

I should at least jump on the meditation bandwagon.

A friend said I need to consider revamping my life. Maybe do less? But, I don't think that's the issue for me. I like being busy. It's better than bored. But, anxiety-ridden is something else.

I'm at the point where it's about somehow accepting that this is what midlife is ...especially when you're living the sandwich generation (which I've blogged about before.) But, I need to find the joy and not just the responsibility and uncertainty of it all. It's so beyond my control. All I can control is my reaction to it. I don't want to walk around feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know things could be worse. But, I could personally use a dose of nurturing right now....and some genuine belly laughs.

A Sandwich Generation Day: Cycles of Life

I have blogged on this subject before, and at the risk of being redundant, I feel the need to share my experiences of yesterday.

I am calling it a true "Sandwich Generation" Day. And, I wonder if you can relate. I'd love your feedback and to hear your experiences if you'd like to share.

Like many, I'm sorry to see summer come to an end. We had such a blast at our community pool, and I will really miss it.

Not only do I find the change of season a bit challenging, but yesterday, and this whole week, for that matter, I find myself in a somewhat conflicted emotional state.

Seth started Kindergarten today, and I took him to meet his teacher and to see the classroom and classmates. It feels surreal that he has hit this stage of his education. He loved the school, and got particularly thrilled when he asked the teacher if they go on class trips. She said yes, and the first trip is to a firehouse. Well...she couldn't have said anything better for Seth. Firehouses are his most favorite place in the world.

I am both excited for him and a little melancholy that he is growing up so fast. Part of me likes that there are more and different experiences we can have together, yet I like to cuddle with my little buddy.

It just gets me thinking about how fast time goes in general, and the cycles of life.

After returning from Seth's school, we met my dad at the diner for lunch. He was celebrating his 90th birthday! G-d bless him. I am so eternally grateful to have my dad in my life, despite his health challenges and not feeling up to par. I lost my mom 10 years ago, so his presence in my family's life is all the more treasured. And, my sister and I are planning a surprise birthday luncheon for him this Saturday, with family and friends. I want to savor our time together.

Such major milestones in the life of my son and dad this week!

Leaves me with a lot to think about. But, since I am the queen of overthinking, I'm keeping myself busy so I'm not too alone with my thoughts. The last thing I want to do is get teary eyed, though sometimes a good cry is the best release.

I am both sad and happy. I want to take note and rejoice in each upbeat moment and not let my emotions get the better of me.

Have you ever felt this way?

Living the Sandwich Generation

I am living the Sandwich Generation life.....and I don't mean grilled cheese or pastrami on rye (though I could go for a good swiss melt one of these days). :)

My dad turned 89 on 9/2, and he's been having health challenges. I feel like we're in a medical circus. He's going from doctor to doctor, incessantly describing his symptons,and thus far, has not received a diagnosis. I've accompanied him at times, and other times, have faxed him a list of questions to have answered. It's been hard. I'm not sleeping well, and it's constantly on my mind.

I've mentioned my situation to a few moms I know, and others have shared similar challenges with their senior parents. This is one of the big scenarios that can potentially come with parenting later in life.

You read a lot about balance when you become a mom, and trying to keep it all together in terms of your personal and professional life, if you are working. But, what's equally as hard is finding balance in taking care of yourself when you're caring for a young child, and trying to be there for an elderly parent. Nothing prepares you for this.

When I lost my mom a number of years ago, I sought out the support of a therapist, after trying a grief support group, which I wound up hating. I think it's important to get out your feelings, yet you don't want it to consume your life.

I want to be a happy mom and wife.....and person.....yet inside me is a little girl who is fearful about her own dad. I know I have to stay strong. I'm overdue for a foot massage. Doing something good for myself would be a welcome and needed relief.

I'm not thinking the worst about my dad, but you start to feel helpless at times when you rely on experts who aren't readily coming up with answers.