From Plants to Ramps by Robin Gorman Newman

What does a day in the life of a “later” mom look like? Depends on the day of the week, but of late in particular, it's jam-packed and not altogether fun.

I feel like a chicken without a head. (A fitting expression.…but where did it come from?!) Jumping from one task to the next, many of which are unrelated, it's a wonder I can track everything. Thankfully, I excel at preparing copious TO DO lists...though in my effort to be organized, sometimes it feels overwhelming. My notes are handwritten. Not in my Blackberry. For me, there is something to be said for the tangibility of paper, even if it involves sporting around a clunky hard covered date book. No way I can be confused with a techie, but it works for me.

That said, one of my fellow “later” mom friends called me last week to touch base. She asked how my day was going.

I told her I was involved with plants and ramps. What? she asked.

It was a true representation of my sandwich generation life.

Though I’m not much of a PTA baby, I decided to join the Plant Sale committee. It is the biggest fundraiser for my son’s elementary school (who knew?!), and despite my not having a particularly green thumb, somehow it called out to me. An email was sent by the committee head to those who expressed interest in serving. There were about 15 names on the list. An initial meeting was planned, and it wound up being just three of us. I was surprised by the lack of present bodies. I was looking forward to a meeting where ideas would be shared. This turned out to be a session reviewing the plant catalog and deciding upon which planters to order. (Are you yawning yet?!) The committee head had already made the decisions for the most part, and was looking for confirmation re: her choices. The next meeting (don't get too excited) will be when the actual plant selection is done. And, I'll be volunteering at the sale itself in May.

Re: the ramp portion of my day. My father recently suffered a stroke and has been in rehab. Anticipating his return home in a couple of weeks, I’ve been conducting meetings with ramp companies to explore the preparation of his ranch house for wheelchair accessibility. In in a short period of time, I’ve learned more about ramps, lifts, etc. that I’ve ever thought necessary. Fortunately in the mix of meetings, a friend recommended a reasonably-priced contractor who proposed the most economical and what seems like the most feasible approach, so I’m grateful to have a direction that feels right.

It’s no surprise that there are nights I don’t sleep well…with visions of plants and ramps swirling through my mind. And, that was just for that particular week.

On any given day, I’m tackling a multitude of projects, not to mention professional pursuits. Can’t say the life of a work at home mom is boring, though choosing planters is a far cry from the career I once had in what feels like a lifetime ago….working as a public relations professional in NYC….the Vice President of a mid sized firm. (I later went on to open my own PR practice.)

I know that on the professional front there are exciting things ahead, but personally, a midlife mom's gotta do what she's gotta do, even if it means deliberating about wood vs. metal and hibiscus vs. herbs.

What do you have on your personal plate that isn't as exciting as you wish? Do share.....

Discovering Fun by Robin Gorman Newman

Who knew?!

Seth had half a day from school due to parent teacher meetings, and I wasn't quite sure what to do with him.  Other than our typical routine of snack, downtime, homework, bath, etc., we had many more hours to fill together.

I decided I was going to take him to the library to pick out a mystery for his next school reading assignment. While he doesn't love to read, he does love animals, and this particular library branch is next to Petland.  So, we popped in to visit with the lizards, ferrets, frogs, turtles, a lone floppy-eared rabbit (super cute), and a multitude of varied birds, including one cockatiel that reminded us of our pet Smokey.  But, how long can you spend in a small pet store?!

So....next up was Associated, for a quick food shop and bottle/can return.  He loves helping me put them into the machine and standing by for the crunch noise.  Something about it pleases him.  We didn't have much on our shopping list this trip, but when we carted down the Produce aisle, I discovered a gem in the raw.  We passed a bin of scruffy-looking coconuts, and I asked Seth if he ever saw or touched a coconut?  He said, "no"  (I didn't think he had.).  I plopped one into his hands, and he was immediately intrigued with the texture and weight, and especially with the notion of coconut milk being inside.  What does that taste like", he wondered.

The coconut made it's way officially into our cart, and once in the car driving home, we had a strategic discussion re: how we were going to break it open back home.  Seth was SO up for the task. I loved watching his enthusiasm as the wheels turned in his mind.

He readily put his plan into action.  He dug out his hammer, a can opener, screwdriver, and went to work. Before I knew it, he poked a hole in the coconut, stuck a straw through it, and was sampling the milk.  Not his favorite beverage, but he thought it was cool.  He banged hard on the rest of the coconut, but nothing was happening.

The weather had finally turned a bit warmer and sunny here in NY, so I had an idea.  I put the coconut in three plastic supermarket bags, and invited Seth to go out into the street and whack the coconut against the driveway until it breaks.  He loved it, and it worked!

I thought...what a great way for a busy boy to expend some energy!  And, he got a kick out of tasting the coconut, though that really became secondary.  The thrill was in the process...and a "cheap" thrill at that.  The price was right....99 cents for a coconut....a bargain in the kids entertainment arena...and a good alternative to Toys R Us..

I now know that, on a dull day, a trip to the supermarket to pick up a coconut might be enough to engage Seth.  It's the simple, surprise pleasures and unexpected finds in unexpected places that sometimes create some of life's finest memories.  I won't soon forget the image of him striking the coconut bag against the ground and his delight in seeing it crumble into pieces.  It was priceless.  Associated is my new "go to" destination with Seth.

I'm wondering what else in the produce section might get his blood going?  Any suggestions?

ROBIN'S SHOW RECOMMENDATION -- Ringling Bros.and Barnum and Bailey: Fully Charged

Don’t miss Fully Charged, the all-new surge of circus entertainment from Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey® where megawatts of thrills explode off of the arena floor with breathtaking dare-devilry, superhuman stunts and never-before-seen performances that energize Children Of All Ages!   Today, March 20th, is the last date in NY at the Nassau Coleseum, but the show is touring nationally, so you can check out ringling.com to see if it's coming to your town. Both you, and your kids, will enjoy.

We had the opportunity to see it last night with friends, and everyone had a blast.  In fact, it's been years since my friends had gone to the circus, and they were so glad they joined us because they loved it and want to go again.

The most electrifying edition ever of Ringling Bros.® celebrates ‘performance power’ that boosts circus-goers’ excitement. The amazing acts, which can only be seen at The Greatest Show On Earth®, include Tabayara, a dynamic animal trainer whose rare ability to communicate with animals allows him to ride rearing stallions at a fully-charged gallop and orchestrate majestic four-ton Asian elephants in a symphony of dance. When he stands inside a cage, eye to eye with 12 ferocious tigers, Tabayara sees family where others see danger.  The animals were gorgeous!

You will feel the earth shake when the strongman duo of Dmitry and Ruslan, who are as wide as they are tall, enter the arena. The brawny twosome give the word ‘manpower’ a whole new meaning as they lift large, cumbersome telephone poles, which weigh up to half a ton, and twirl them above their heads while acrobats balance atop.  The acrobats were a sight to see!

The fearless Fernandez Brothers dial up the thrills as they perform daring feats of athleticism on the Twin Turbines of Steel, including extreme jumps and twists inside the moving wheels! Audiences will crackle with excitement as they watch Guillermo perform a 360-degree, flying-forward somersault, three stories in the air, a feat so difficult it has only been attempted by one other person in the 141-year history of Ringling Bros. The Human Fuse, Brian Miser, sets the arena sky ablaze as he rockets through the air from his self-made human crossbow. Don’t blink as he flashes across the sky in less than a second, and travels 80 feet at 65 miles per hour.  This was my son's favorite feat!

Ever wonder how many clowns it takes to change a light bulb? The hilarious hoopla continues to flow as the clowns from the world-famous Ringling Bros.® Clown Alley, charge up the audiences’ funny bones with silly antics and clownish comedy.

Tickets are available at ringling.com, all arena box offices, Ticketmaster outlets, by phone at 800-745-3000 or ticketmaster.com. All seats are reserved.. For more info about Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey, visit ringling.com.

Secret Parenting Thoughts by Robin Gorman Newman

This past weekend, Seth and I had tickets to see GAZILLION BUBBLE SHOW in NYC for the second time (you can read my show review later today....we loved it!).  

We were supposed to go with another mom and her son, but the night before they cancelled (I had an instinctual feeling things might not work out with them).  He had a stomach bug.  She hoped that we'd quickly be able to find others to join us.  Marc was working (tax season), so this was to be a mommy and me outing.

My effort to reach out to other families wasn't productive.  Too short notice.  This happened when I was at the gym finishing my workout.  My trainer, who I am friendly with, overheard the phone conversations, and much to my surprise, said she'd like to go.

She is divorced, living happily with her long term boyfriend (who she left her husband for), and raised two daughters who are now both in their 20s.  One is married; the other divorced.  This friend is a few years older than me and takes a strong "been there, done that" attitude when it comes to parenting at this stage of the game.  She has said more than once, when I've shared challenges re: Seth, that she forewarned me when we made the decision to become parents that it wasn't going to be easy.  And, she in fact, thought I was kinda "nutz" to embark on motherhood at age 42.  She was glad not to be in my new parenting shoes.

She was a young mother when her kids were young, and she left a teaching career that she had barely established, so didn't much miss.  She speaks often about being a "hot young mama" who chauffered her kids around, in between gym workouts -- a top priority in her life.  (No wonder at age 50+, her body is hard as a rock.)  She has also often discussed how, in her opinion, kids suck the life out of you and even into adulthood, they can still be challenging, and not necessarily grateful for what you have done and continue to do for them. 

None of this is the most pleasant to hear, but I've gotten used to it.  I recognize it as "her story," and hope that mine and Seth's will play out differently as the years go by.

When I bring Seth to the gym (granted he's young to be in a weight-lifting facility), she is never thrilled when he whips out mats to play and moves free weights around, though ultimately I make sure he puts everything back in place.  He acts safely and respects the equipment and knows his limits, or I certainly wouldn't take him.  But, she has often said that she doesn't know how I do it?  That he's "go, go, go", asks a million questions...and gives her a headache when he bounces the large rubber stomach crunch ball too many times.

So, when the show tickets became available, and she invited herself along, I was taken aback.  She had to know that meant spending the afternoon with Seth (and of course me too).  She assured us she wanted to come.

When I saw her at the gym two days later for my Monday session, she couldn't wait to talk about the fun we had and admitted that Seth demonstrated good behavior, and she didn't expect it.  He didn't demand that I buy him a souvenir.  He didn't have any kind of meltdown.  He sat in his seat, both on the train and in the theatre, and enjoyed both experiences.  When Marc (my husband) picked us up after the show and we had all planned to eat out in the city (things changed because we couldn't get a parking spot...way too much snow), she noted how Seth just rolled with the punches.

I told her with pride that "Seth is good company."  Sure, he's 7 and has his moments like any child,  but he's a nice, smart, compassionate, social kid (if I don't say so myself.).  She then said almost giddily that anytime Marc and I need a break or have plans, we are welcome to leave Seth with her and her boyfriend (who we know and like).

Not that we're rushing to do this.  We have our reliable babysitters (who we pay).  But, it was interesting to see her newfound enthusiasm toward Seth. She saw that even at a later parenting stage, kids, while work, can bring joy. And, despite the fact that she never raised a boy and was thrilled to have had girls, boys can be amusing in a different way. 

So, just as Laura (one of the motherhoodlater.com bloggers) wrote on Tuesday about the judgement that as parents we sometimes have for others parents, this experience taught me that it's also easy to judge other kids.  If they are different than ours, whether by sex, interest, temperament.....etc.....we might sit back and secretly be grateful that we're not parenting them (if they seem difficult).  Or perhaps even the opposite is true.  Maybe they seem more agreeable or fun than our own child, and you wish yours was more like them.

The point is that we're all individuals in this world.  We march to our own drum.  And, there are countless beats we might follow.  No one has a crystal ball to predict how their kids will turn out as adults.  But, if we lay positive groundwork now, including surrounding them with people who embrace them, they'll be all the better for it.  And, we can only hope that people, like my personal trainer friend, will not reach negative conclusions prematurely about our kids.  It's ultimately a loss for everyone.

Mother and Son by Robin Gorman Newman

My mother in law has been in the hospital.  We went to visit her, and one evening she made a comment to my husband before he even had a chance to take a seat by her bed.

She firmly told Marc that he needed to comb his hair.  No regard for the fact that he had barely taken off his hat.  No gratitude for the fact that we had all, Seth included, ventured out in the bitter cold evening air to spend time with her.  Her concern was how he looked, which is always her top concern, even for herself.
After Marc combed his hair to her satisfaction, she gave him a little speech about how sons always need their mothers, and how mothers are numero uno in a son's life...forever (not in those exact words....but that was the idea).
I was sharing this story with a close personal friend who happens to be a therapist, and she reassured me not to take it personal.  That it's my MIL's story/issues that she was broadcasting, and it had nothing to do directly with me. My sister said the same.

I can agree with that, but it still didn't feel good. It made me think that she has no respect for her son's marriage.  And, her other son, Marc's brother, is married as well.  What about his wife?  And, how does this attitude endear her to us?  Lots of responses were on the tip of my tongue, but given that she was in the hospital, I stayed quiet. There was nothing to be gained.

I raised the issue with Marc once back home, and his interpretation was completely different.  In his eyes, his beloved mother made the point in a positive way so that Seth would know I'm always to be a top priority in his life.  I, somehow, didn't take it that way.  First of all, Seth was engaged in playing with his Gameboy at the time, so was quite oblivious to my MIL's comments...therefore this was no learning experience for him.  Additionally, my knee jerk reaction was that this is about her...not me. 
It all got me thinking.

You hear stories about mothers and sons and their relationships and love.  I adore my son, though he can be challenging, like any child.  And, especially as a later mom, I know I won't be around to see all the milestones he reaches in his adult life.  I hope I will see many.  But, I do know that he will likely marry one day and have children of his own.  At age 7, he already has spoken about that....and even articulated he wants to live in our house, and that my husband and I might live in the basement (or move out).  I can't project that far ahead, but I have given thought to my future relationship with him.

I hope we will always love and care for each other.  But, I don't want to come before any wife he might choose.  I hope he chooses well, and I'd welcome a warm relationship one day with a daughter in law.  And, I would do all  that I can to make her feel comfortable and appreciated in our family, especially since I don't have a daughter.

And, I would hope that my son will look back on our years raising him with fondness.  And, that will further motivate him to want to remain close in our lives.

But, ultimately he will choose his own path.  And, that's as it should be.  I will one day be an empty nester, and while I'm sure that's a big adjustment, I wouldn't want it any other way.  That is the natural course of life.  Children should go on to know they can stand on their own two feet.  And, it shouldn't take a mandate from me to my son that "I'm #1 in his life."  It wouldn't feel good saying it, just as it didn't feel good hearing it from my MIL.  And, as mothers, the best job we can do is to raise our kids so that they can be their own person, and yes, continue to hold love for us in their hearts, but it should be of their own free will.  Preaching it to them doesn't make it any more true.

Night to Day by Robin Gorman Newman

What a difference a day makes.

This past weekend felt like a whirlwind...and a very cool one at that.

Saturday night, Marc and I attended a swanky black tie affair at the American Museum of Natural History.  One of his wealthy business clients threw himself a 65th birthday bash to remember, and to say it was impressive somehow seems an understatement.

I haven't been to the museum in quite some time....nor have I been dressed to the nines in quite some time.  Panty hose and heels?  Stretch pants and chunky-soled suede sneaker clogs are my daily attire. 

Mingling with adults....and not talking about kids.  Drinking champagne and dining on filet mignon,  surrounded by tusky walrus' and other creatures.  Dancing the night away under the largest whale (suspended from the ceiling) I've ever seen (except for on television).  Hobnobbing with society folk like Jill Zarin of reality tv fame, a star of The Real Housewives of New York City.

It all felt so mature and "Page Six".....and I couldn't soak it in enough.

Various well wishing friends of the birthday boy took to the podium to share stories. It was both humorous and touching.  This is a man who lives fully.  His life saying is Any Day Above Ground is a Good Day, and that's hard to argue with or forget.  To ensure that, each of us was sent home with a souvenir green rubber bracelet emblazoned with the motto.

I didn't want to leave.  It was an outing that few get to share, and who knew if I'd ever attend such a function again?  To think that some of the attendees are likely regulars at this sort of bash tweaked some pangs of jealousy in me.  Not that I aspire to go black tie on a regular basis, but what I did appreciate was feeling pampered, and having a new experience.

Swtich gears and fast foward.  Less than 24 hours later, I was back in the familiar black stretch pants and a baggy sweater.....smushing blue icing with my freshly self-manicured nails onto the roof of an aromatic, freshly-baked gingerbread house.  Seth and I took a gingerbread house decorating class with Lil Chefs, and while a far cry from my night on the town, we had fun together.  Chef Paula who ran the program did a great job.  Marshmallows...big and small.  Gum drops.  M and Ms.  Pretzels.  Candy canes...big and small.  Twizzlers. Colored Cheerios.  Starburst fruit chews.  You name it.  It was all available for the picking.  Seth and I filled up his plate and went to town.

I loved observing him so focused and at work.  He dove right into the project with gusto, as did his fingers, sleeves, pants, etc.  Icing was everywhere, but it was worth it.   Waffle pretzel windows. Gumdrop snowmen.  Candycane chimney.  Twizzler fences.  His house took on a life of its own, and for me, it was a memorable mother-son activity.  I'm not one for playing spy or many of the other inventive games he often likes to engage in at home.  But, crafts and anything artsy is totally up my alley.

Parenting a boy is sometimes a challenge for me.  I was a girly girl growing up, and I was all about Barbie dolls, etc.  So, when Seth and I can find an activity we both embrace, it's icing on the cake (or gingerbread house).

Today, in fact, after school, we will have a full house.  I'm hosting a two hour soap-carving workshop with a retired, local wood carver I stumbled upon.  He loves working with kids, but suggested soap, for those under 10.  I am totally looking forward to it, despite the mess that will no doubt result.  It's a lot of work coming up with special activities and experiences that excite my son and I, but it's worth the effort.

There are times when being a mom feels like a total Jekyl-Hyde experience.  One day, you're the black tie bell of the ball, and the next you're knee deep in blue icing or soap flakes.  It all comes with the territory.  My gown is neatly hung away at the moment, but I have the photos and video and memory etched in my multi-tasking mommy mind.  The every day life of a mother with a young child is far from "Page Six" unless you're a celebrity mom.  For most of us living in the trenches, it is the new, feel good experiences we have, whether we create them or get invited to them, that remind us that life is an adventure for the taking,  It's what we allow ourselves to make of it, despite changing diapers, running errands, planning playdates, etc.  We need to do our best to take some time for ourselves to discover what gets us excited and makes life worth living.

What can you do that feels good?

Trust by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted with my son today (Sunday).  I woke up this morning (while he was at ice skating with his father) to find out that various cables, cords, etc. had been unplugged to my computer, modems, etc. in my office.    I was livid and unable to function until Marc, my husband, came home to help put things back together.  Technical matters are not my strength.

It got me thinking.  There was a horrible story in the news last week about a son (30 year old) who brutally killed his parents and then took off on a plane to Israel.  Granted he had documented psychiatric problems,  but it led me to consider the fact that as parents, we never know what/who we are raising.

We do our best....and especially if a child is adopted....as is my son....we don't always have all the biological information we would otherwise be privvy to from our own lineage.  Not to say that adoptive children are any more troublesome than others, it's just that we are operating often more from a place of unknown.

That said, I am in a state at the moment of  distrust with Seth.  

What he did to my office was a total violation of my personal property and a complete lack of respect for my things and the time I spend at my computer (too much I recognize).  It felt like a huge slap in the face and one that I am still having trouble grappling with in my mind.

Additionally, during my senior dad's latest weekend stay with us, Seth took bills from his wallet which we discovered as he was preparing to return home.  Seth denied it, then ultimately admitted it.  It was upsetting, especially to my father, and I've told my dad that he should never leave his wallet in the room they share at bedtime.

I plan to go to the hardware store later today and purchase a padlock for my office....or will call in a locksmith if it comes to that.  I'm not thrilled feeling the need to go this length...but I DON'T TRUST my son.  And, I told him so.

In a fit of rage, while he was at skating, I took out two large garbage bags and loaded them up with some of his favorite toys in the living rooms, and took his wallet, and various other items, and tucked them away/out of sight in a closet in a garage.

I asked Seth why he did what he did, and he offered no explanation.  I also asked if he thought an apology might be in order, and he said "sorry."  He looked sad.  But, was he truly remorseful or was he sorry because I took away his toys and he wanted them back?  Can you teach regret or remorse to a child?  And, if so, how?

Was this punishment the right choice, especially for a child who has so much?  For how long will he miss the toys?  And, will it truly bother him that I said I don't trust him anymore or will he be over it tomorrow?  Does having my trust mean anything to him?  I feel like it does...or at least it should.  Other than my love, if he doesn't care about trust, then what?!

I love him, but I can't look at him right now.  I know my emotions are raw as I write this, and they will ease.

It's just that we put so much time and energy into our children, if we endeavor to be what to us feels like a good parent.  Everyone's definition and perception of that is different, and there's no right or wrong. 

But, how do you raise a child who values their property and that of others?

Is this a phase typical for a 7 year old? What was his motivation?

I may never know.

But, I would love to hear from you.  Has your child exhibited behavior that felt destructive or wrong?  And, if so how did you handle it so that they learned a lesson that would stick with them?

What a Difference a Day Makes by Robin Gorman Newman

A week ago, I was preparing to go into NYC to attend our first MotherhoodLater.com outing to a Broadway musical. ...the show MILLION DOLLAR QUARTET.  I was excited and looking forward to meeting everyone, and reconnecting with those I already knew.  My husband, who was coming as well, had driven into Manhattan that morning, so we'd have the car to return home after the show.

We arranged for a sitter for my son.  My senior dad was coming over as well to spend the weekend with us (his live-in aide was going home), so things felt like they were under control and looking good.

Well.....as my beloved mom used to say (may she rest in peace)....."We make our plans, and G-d makes his."

Just as Seth stepped off the school bus and entered the house, I was beginning what would be a night of acute abdominal, pelvic pain such as I have never know.  Out of the blue, I was doubled-over and barely able to walk.  I quickly called my husband and told him I didn't think I could make the play.  My hope was that whatever this was would subside and I'd be ok.  That wasn't the case.  I placed an emergency call to my gastro doc who I had just seen that week, and left a message with their afterhours service.  Disappointingly, no one called back in a timely fashion, so in the interim, at the urging of a good friend, I reached out to my neighbor (who we are friendly with) and asked if he would do me a big favor and run me over ASAP to the emergency room of North Shore Hospital, which is fortunately within easy reach.

He readily obliged and waited with me until they took me in.  At that point, I was alone, aside from the doctors, nurses, etc., who pretty quickly sprung into action.  That was comforting, though the ordeal was very scary since it was 24 hours before we knew the source of my pain and all kinds of thoughts ran through my mind.  And, it was at least an hour before they gave me IV painkiller which didn't kick in immediately.  So, I spent considerable time digging my nails into my hands and groaning.  Luckily, I was given a private room in the ER, and ultimately, my husband joined me for what turned out to be an entire, sleepless, anxious night of tests and waiting.  At least there was, surprisingly, a tv in the room.

It turned out I have a urinary tract infection (not the pain source) and a very small kidney stone (definitely the pain source) which we hope was passing at the time, and that I'm now done with it.  We don't know for sure, but since I've been feeling considerably better, we want to believe that is the case.

All this said, I found it to be both a humbling and empowering experience.  Humbling in that I was totally at the mercy of strangers at the hospital to care for me, and I entrusted them with my life and health, which meant abandoning control, which I always like to feel I have (though we know this isn't true).  Life is a team effort. And, we are all vulnerable, and sometimes it takes the kindness of strangers to help get us through. As a mom, wife and daughter, I'm so used to being in the caretaker mode.  It felt a bit like a foreign experience being the one doted on. (I think I'm overdue for a pampering foot massage.)

Additionally, I was hugely grateful for the support of friends and immediate family who were so there for me....mostly via email and text (I had my Blackberry with me)....and it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone and to feel the love and concern.  Amazing how it takes an emergency to reinforce in your (or my mind) who truly cares and is available to you.

I spent a lot of time thinking about Seth and wondered what he was thinking since he saw his mother run out of the house enroute to the hospital.  I didn't want to frighten him, so I put on a brave, if not grimaced, face.  He would have found the ER an interesting place, since he is all about helping people and finds medical stuff cool, especially ambulances and paramedics.

I also became highly conscious of the value of time and how I spend it. Life goes on, whether I'm sitting 24-7 at my computer or not.  There's a big world out there, and while I recognize the huge benefts of being online, it's also important to venture out, take time to be with people, have new experiences, grow, etc.  I yearn to do more of all of that.

Treasuring the moment also came up for me.  Things can change on a dime.  From one minute to the next, life may throw us a zinger we didn't see coming, and we have to be strong and go with the flow. Things can also change in a good, exciting way, so ya never know what tomorrow may bring.  We wouldn't necessarily want things to remain stagnant, though no one wants to suffer or see a loved one go through a rough time.

All in all, in an odd way, I'm grateful for having had this experience.  Not that I'd ever opt to endure a kidney stone episode again, I value the life lessons I took away.  And, I'm grateful I was able to go home without requiring surgery or involved treatment....though I have to follow-up with a urologist and allergist (since I had a mild allergic reaction to the antibiotic prescribed).

In the short time since turning 50 (since 8/11), it's already been eventful.  If this is any predictor for the decade I've yet to fully experience, it's going to be a wild ride.  I am hopeful it will offer more joyful times than challenges, but I recognize that life has it's ebbs 'n flows, so I'm going to focus as best I can on what makes me happy today.  I can't do more than that.

Stash -- by Robin

I recently bought some dried flowers to put in a vase in our basement, and stumbled upon two empty plastic strawberry jello containers stuffed into the base of the vase.  We had kept some Jell-o in our spare refrigerator downstairs, and clearly, Seth helped himself one day while playing down there.

We don't fault him for indulging.  He has a sweet tooth.  And, they are low calorie (not that he has a weight issue....though I like to keep an eye on his sugar intake). But, we do take issue with him concealing the evidence and not admitting it when questioned. How long had it been there, I wondered?

After this discovery, we decided to sift through the couch in the living room.  Seth has a history of hiding food and vitamins under the back cushions.  We've known this, but thought that behavior was over.  Apparently, it's not.

My husband dug out rotting baby carrots, dried chicken shreds, melting chewable vitamin C pills, etc.  It was a disgusting eyesore.  We then moved the couch and dug around underneath it.  We got out the Dust Buster and went to town sucking up the crumbs, etc.

When I shared this story with a mom friend of kids in their 20s, she smirked and said "control."  At his young age (7), Seth has none, and it's his way of reaching out for what little he might be able to snag.  I understood that, but it's a gross habit.  And, also, Seth isn't telling the truth when we ask if he ate all his carrots?  That bothers me the most.  He knows that if he eats his veggies, he can get dessert.  Is it too much to expect him to eat five raw, crunchy, juicy baby carrots (which he likes)?

To date, we've allowed him to have some meals in the living room if we're not eating together as a family for
whatever reason.  Therefore, we never watched him like a hawk to see what exactly he was eating of what was put on his plate.

"Have you thought about only permitting him to eat in the kitchen?" the mom said.

As obvious as that sounds, we had not required that.  But, it makes sense.

We have put into place a policy that food is no longer to be consumed in the living room.  A snack perhaps...but not a meal.  At least until Seth earns back our trust, we told him.

It feels good to sit down with him in the kitchen and make conversation while he eats, even if I'm not.

I was amazed that we didn't have bugs or a mouse problem, with all the leftovers that were unearthed.

Funny.  Seth and I are similar....but just the opposite.  When I was growing up, I'd sometimes have a hidden stash in my room (under my bed) of food (sweets) I'd want to eat.  Chocolate covered jelly rings, tootsie rolls, etc.  I guess that's just as bad, in a different way.

I've since outgrown that habit...and I hope Seth will as well.

Advising Others Children - by Robin

Last week my son had a play date with his "girlfriend" Seraina.  They have known each other since kindergarten, and while they're not in the same first grade class, they attend the same school and sometimes play together during recess....or at least want to.

She came to our house...it was a drop-off play date. Whenever they get together, they always play family, complete with baby dolls, stuffed animal pets, etc.  This time, they were a "fire" family, since Seth is obsessed with anything fire-related, and Seraina is game to play along.  Sometimes I think she's a female version of him.  They are very sweet together.

I made them mac 'n cheese for lunch.  They they had ice cream and were laughing and playing famously as they always do.

Suddenly things took a more serious turn.  They marched into my office, where (mostly) Seraina began an emotional discussion and asked "is it ok to lie?" 

I was speechless for the moment, and asked why she posed that question.

She explained that some kids are school are making fun of her and Seth because they are boyfriend and girlfriend.  They sing songs like "Seraina and Seth sitting in a tree....k-i-s-s-i-n-g...." (not that they are kissing).  Seth is actually pretty shy, though affectionate.

They have asked her if Seth is her boyfriend, and she doesn't want to say yes because they'll taunt her more, and if she ignores them, they won't want to be her friend.  So, can she say no (which isn't true), she asked?

I'm not a big fan of fibbing, so I suggested she tell them that she and Seth are good friends.

She didn't like that idea.

I told her she should try not to let it bother her because when the others grow up, they'll want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend too.

That didn't fly.

I came up with some other suggestions as well, but nothing resonated with her.

She was also concerned about the kids telling her teacher about their "love."  I asked why  that would matter?  Would the teacher really care? 

Seth chimed in that some of the kids in his class want to play with him during recess, but he and Seraina want to play together upon occasion since they don't get to see each other that much.  The other kids don't like it when they feel left out.  Seth realized that he can't make everyone happy all the time....a big life lesson for sure.  You make choices that may ruffle another's feathers, even though that's not your intention.

Seraina asked if I would speak with her mom about the situation and possibly the moms of the kids who are bothering them.  I told her I would talk to her mom when she came to pick her up. I felt her pain. While I've always considered Seth a sensitive and caring child, at this moment, I could see that girls and boys have such a different take on things...even at age 7....it was so evident. 

I brought it up to her mom who listened thoughtfully and mostly dismissed it by saying that Seraina tends to be dramatic and emotoinal.  She knows her daughter.  I said I understood, but had endeavored to make her feel better or at least try to come up with an acceptable response she might deliver comfortably to the other kids.

Her mom said she'd speak with her and thanked me for broaching the subject.

But, it left me thinking in general....is it ok to offer advice to other kids?  Perhaps they're being raised with a different mindset or perspective about the world? If I interject my two cents worth, would my thinking mesh with that of her own mom?  Am I better off not offering an opinion and simply say next time, that's a discussion you should have directly with your mom?

Hmmmmm.....thoughts?  Advice?  Has this happened to you?

Organization - by Robin

I couldn't believe my eyes.  I had to choke back tears...happy tears.  Tears of shock and disbelief.

This past weekend, Seth took it upon himself to organize his room. This was a first.  A BIG one. And, it came with no prompting whatsoever from me or his father.

Out of nowhere, he proudly announced that he was going to go through his drawers and started neatly folding clothes.  And, I mean shockingly neatly.  For more than 10 seconds he stayed on task.  He was focused and highly motivated.

What possessed him?

Was his 7 year old body invaded by a body snatcher?

I was completed taken aback.  My little guy is growing up, I thought.  And, fast.  He's taking charge of his possessions.  At least some of them.

While I was tempted to watch him, I stayed away, for fear of turning him off to the endeavor.  Didn't want to become mommy supervisor and suggest in any way that I was thrilled.  Didn't want him to change his mind  and wind up leaving piles of shirts, shoes, socks, etc. for me to sort through.

As it turned out, he didn't do a thorough job....not that I expected he would.  But, it was a great effort.  So, the next day, I took over.  A couple of socks are still missing their mate.  And, the unzipped leg from a pair of pants that converts into shorts is missing.  I imagine it will turn up one day when I'm not looking for it.  But, in the scheme of things, it's not what's missing that counts. It's the mere fact that Seth even thought that organizing is a good thing and something he could initiate. I'd love him to bottle that desire.

Now, if he would only take the same approach with the many bins of toys he has...containing little pieces of G-d knows what. And, if he could take stock of his sunglasses, so I'm not constantly replacing them.   But, a proud mom can only hope for so much.

I recognize that organizing is a process, and one that I personally find challenging. So, Seth's behavior was inspiring to me on various level.

This was a gigantic step in a positive direction.  I'm not holding my breath at the moment for many more days like this....at least not at his age....but one can dream.

My Son, the Slugger - by Robin

Seth is part of a little league baseball team this spring.

While experts would say sports is good for kids.  And, I'm sure it is.  And, other parents would likely agree.  I have to be totally honest and admit....it's so not my thing.

I detest watching baseball.  I find it a slow, boring sport. Yankees.  Mets.  Whatever team.....it's all the same to me. I have no interest. ..I'm sorry.

The fact that a 7 year old is asked to play little league three times/week, whether practice or a game, seems excessive to me, and quite a commitment on the part of the parent who has to take them.  This is especially true since weekday games/practice start 5:30/6pm, which is early for those who work. And, I'm not the only parent complaining about this....though they may not admit it in a public forum.

Last week, I took Seth one day after school for a game, and despite rain, they played.  After sitting there holding an umbrella and getting soaked for 40 minutes, I decided I need to have my head examined to endure this, and told Seth I'd meet him in the car in the parking lot.  I was stunned, quite frankly, that they didn't stop the game. And, I was grateful that Seth didn't get sick from it, nor did I.

Since then, I have refused to take him when there is a threat of rain.  If my husband is game, it's in his court.

Today, after school, the weather was great in NY, so Seth and I practiced baseball outside our house.  He's big on amping up his batting these days, so I thought he would enjoy.  It started out well, but suddenly, Seth let one rip, and it hit me square in the mouth.  With incredible force.  I felt a burning sensation and went running into the house in desperate search of a frozen turkey burger to put on my bottom bloody, swollen lip.  I look like I went a round with boxer Mike Tyson.  And, I sound like I have marbles in my mouth.  My husband felt sorry, but pretty much blew it off, saying accidents happen, which is true.  But, that's not making my lip feel any better.

It hurts.  I'm annoyed.  How long will this take to heal?  I don't want to leave the house looking like this.  And, Sunday is Mother's Day.

I know it wasn't Seth's fault.  But, I'm not a sports mom.  And, I don't want to have to become one. 

I guess it goes with the territory, so I need to get used to the fact that team sports will be part of Seth's life.  But, how does a 40 something mom become a fan when she never has been?!

And, do I really have to? Aren't there some things that can be left to father and son?!  Let my husband take him to games and practice with him after school and weekends.  I'll take pictures of them.

If Seth wants to learn tennis, I'll oblige.  I was raised playing tennis by my dad.  And, this past summer, I learned to swim laps, so I'll gladly swim in our neighborhood pool with Seth this summer.

But, otherwise, especially when it comes to group sports, I support his participation, but I would gracefully like to bow out.

If the mood strikes me, and the sun is shining, I might opt to tag along upon occasion and cheer on his team, the Padres.  But, otherwise, I 'll send him off with good wishes and give him a rousing high five when he comes home with stories of how well he and/or his team did.

Mother and Child Reunion - by Cara

There seems to be somewhat of an epidemic going on. And I love it!

Even before Robin took her son on a “Mommy and Son” vacation - just the two of them - I had been mulling over taking my own son, by myself, on a vacation at the end of this summer. Since Robin took her trip, I’ve learned that there are quite a few parents following this trend!

The very first Mom I heard of doing this was a friend who’s son was 5.

They went to Hawaii, of all places, last summer! My friend had just gotten laid off from her job, her son was off from school, and her husband stayed home to manage construction that would have had to have been delayed until the Fall, had no one been home during this time.

This friend and her son had a blast!! They went for 2 weeks, last July, and uploaded all of the exciting places they visited and things they did onto Facebook via my friend’s laptop! All of the Facebook friends were so jealous!! But her trip got me thinking. My husband could certainly use a vacation, I would have loved to get away, and my son would have had the time of his life, no matter where we went!

Well, plans were never made. Tension between my husband and I was mounting. And our son was going through a lot of testing over the summer for various learning issues. A vacation was just not meant to come to fruition last year.

Then, during the winter, my son saw a commercial for the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas! We had gone on a cruise a couple years ago and the Bahamas was one of the ports we visited. Spending a day at the beautiful Atlantis Resort was one of the excursions we chose to go on. My husband and son wanted to “swim with the dolphins,” so while they interacted with the dolphins, I took pictures!

This resort was so wonderful! It is upscale, but child-friendly, with such an assortment of things to do! This got me thinking again. Maybe for the week between summer camp ending and school starting, I could take my son to this resort!! I haven’t made plans yet, because I am actually going there by myself in a few weeks. But I plan on checking out the resort for all types of kid-friendly things to do! If it looks as kid-friendly as it seems, this may be our “Mommy and Son” destination stop! However, I digress.

Next, Robin went with her son to Asheville and loved it so much she wishes she were there right now! Her description on her blog sounded so exciting! I wanted to go there myself! And she said she bonded with her son so much while they were away, as did my friend who went to Hawaii! I really want that experience with my son too!

Now, just a few days ago, I learned that another friend is taking her 7 year old daughter to 5 days at Disney in Orlando, once school ends in June. Then they will follow that up with 5 days on a Disney Cruise!!

Wow!! Now I am investigating the Disney cruise as a possibility because my son adored going on the 2 cruises we went on when we were a family, and he adores the Disney characters!! So that is another potentiality!

I also listen to a parenting podcast where one of the co-hosts took her eldest son (age 7) to Florida to visit relatives and (of course) visit Disney. And when I injured my rib a couple weeks ago, my female doctor said that she took her son (who I understand, loves to ski!) on a trip, somewhere out west, during Spring Recess, to go skiing! Just the two of them! And she raved about the bond that was created between she and her son, even more than the skiing itself!

So I am making plans for my son and I to go somewhere fun, exciting, and a place where we can make our own memories and bond like crazy!! After this immensely difficult year, I think we both need to get away and have fun! Most importantly, I want my son to know how important these experiences are, and I want him to look back in years to come and have warm memories of our Mommy and Me” time spent together! You can bet that I certainly will!!

Discipline -- by Robin

My husband and I got in to a spat this past week re: discipline.

Seth wasn't doing good listening, and in a heated moment of weakness, Marc lost control and hit him. Not hard. But, with anger.

Both Seth and I were in shock. And, Seth cried. More, I think, because he was taken aback than from actual pain.

But, I was pained.

My husband was raised by a father (may he rest in peace), who would sometimes take a belt to him and his younger brother. Leather...not cloth.

I can't imagine being chased by a belt, not to mention being potentially hit with one.

Where does this discpline approach come from? Is it passed down from the generations? Did my father-in-law's father hit him with a belt? And, when does it stop?

As far as I'm concerned, it stops right now....in our household.

What lesson does hitting impart? Not one I choose to endorse.

I spoke with my own senior dad about it who admitted that my sister and I were sometimes spanked, though I honestly don't recall. So, I'm sure it wasn't a frequent scenario. But, still..........

What message does hitting send to a child?

Do you want your child to learn that it's ok to hit? And who? Other children? Their own children should they grow up and become a parent?

Do you want your legacy with your child to be that of a parent who couldn't control their temper and used physical force to get their point across? What will your child remember more? Your point or your blow?

I have moments when Seth pushes my buttons and I have to walk away and take a deep breath. But, I endeavor as much as possible not to yell at him and I would certainly never take a hand or belt or any other body part or blunt object to him. And, particularly as he matures and gains strength, I wouldn't want him to do it to me. Striking is not an option in our home.

While he apologized to Seth, and Seth to him, I shared with Marc that I never want to witness a repeat episode.

I recognize that discipline isn't the easiest and sometimes we don't know what to do, but almost anything is better than laying a hand on your child.


PS - Thanks to Hasbro for the cool Nerf 'N Sports Weather Blitz Flyer...a disc designed for maximum performance. And, the Nerf 'N Sports Curve Pitch Baseball Set that lets you throw trick pitches. My son, 7, plays on a baseball league, and is loving it. And, we play with the frisbee as he waits for the school bus in the morning, and it's a lot more durable and easier to throw than others we have. Visit Nerf.

Fun -- by Robin

Why does it sometimes feel as if fun is so short-lived?

Seth and I had a terrific time away in Asheville, and since we've gotten home, life has felt full of challenges. It's amazing how things can seemingly turn on a dime.

Earlier this week I was out to lunch at the diner with my senior dad and his live-in aide...the same day he had two doctor appointments....follow-ups from his recent hospital stay. All was ok, he told me the doctors said. Then, just the next day, my father called me to say he was calling a car service to take him to the hospital because he was severely constipated.

I thought we were done for now with the hospital and my father, and I was grateful.

Why didn't he say anything to either doctor or me that he was struggling that day in the bathroom department? Why did he wait until it became a dire matter? It's like having another child....one who is 91.....and can't take care of himself.

Just yesterday I had a physical myself because it's time, and I haven't been feeling up to par since our trip. I await the results of the blood work and am trying not to be overly anxious about it. The raging hormones of perimenopause can cause many symptoms, I'm aware. Not to mention stress.

Then, we had a meeting at my son's school, and he's having some challenges which we need to address.

I also found out that a good friend of mine....a nurse.....slipped and fell at work on a wet floor and fractured a bone in her knee, and she's now out on workman's compensation, yet she was scheduled to retire early next month and go to Ireland, which she may not now be able to do.

And, let's add to the pot that my mother-in-law tore something in her arm....and is awaiting MRI results.

I was speaking on the phone with a friend today who said that maybe I should consider taking something like Lexapro. That she took it when she went through a particularly rough period, and it helped take some of the edge off. And, she's not a pill popper, nor am I. We both tend to be more holistically minded. So, I don't know.........

When did life get so complicated? So unpredictable. I used to welcome the unpredictable because it felt full of promise.

Now I ask.....

Where's the fun?

Where's the peace?

I don't have enough of either at the moment.

Can I jump on a plane back to Asheville and leave all this behind?

I should at least jump on the meditation bandwagon.

A friend said I need to consider revamping my life. Maybe do less? But, I don't think that's the issue for me. I like being busy. It's better than bored. But, anxiety-ridden is something else.

I'm at the point where it's about somehow accepting that this is what midlife is ...especially when you're living the sandwich generation (which I've blogged about before.) But, I need to find the joy and not just the responsibility and uncertainty of it all. It's so beyond my control. All I can control is my reaction to it. I don't want to walk around feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know things could be worse. But, I could personally use a dose of nurturing right now....and some genuine belly laughs.

Spring Break Vacation -- by Robin

I survived. And, more than that, we thrived.

If you read my earlier blog, you may recall that it was with trepeditation, yet hopefulness, that I traveled for the first time alone with my son. Marc, my husband, couldn't get away due to tax season.

We went to visit a friend in Asheville, North Carolina, and from the moment the trip started, it was as if it was tailor made. The universe had a plan, and both Seth and I had a great, if not tiring, time. It made me feel good as a mom to know I was capable of 24-7 parenting on my own, though having support from my friend who is a wise, nurturing grandma and former guidance school professional gave me an extra shot of confidence.

We flew Delta from NY...the only non stop flight we could find. It was a small plane you boarded from the runway, a new experience for Seth. On the plane, he had the opportunity to enter the cockpit and meet the captain and co-pilot and pose for photos. And, the fact that it was a short flight was a bonus for an energized kid.

My friend, Michele, met us at the airport and we drove straight to Hendersonville, a nearby town. Bringing back memories of my trips to Woodstock, NY, I enjoyed strolling the streets and perusing the various shops both in town and along the way. (Honeysuckle Hollow was a favorite.)

I was just so glad to be somewhere else. Life had been feeling particularly stressful of late, and I needed a break big time. From the moment we exited the plane, my body started to relaxed.

At my friend's suggestion, we checked into the Renaissance Hotel in Asheville, and it was a good choice. The location offered an easy walk to town, and Seth enjoyed the indoor pool, room service, and mountain view from our window. The staff was friendly and accomodating. The first night was particularly eventful, and one that Seth will never forget. The smoke alarm went off in the hotel, and at 10pm we had to walk down 8 flights of stairs and evacuate the building. Turned out there was a small electrical fire in a supply closet on the second floor, and once the fire trucks came, it was readily extinguished. Seth was in all his glory. It was as if we were on a movie set. Nothing gets him more excited than seeing fire trucks or firemen, and he got to pose for photos with the firemen and to first hand see them answer a call.

The next day we took a Gray Line Trolley Tour of Asheville. It gave us a helpful lay of the land downtown and beyond, and the driver/tour guide narrated as we drove along. It's a convenient way of getting around, as you can get on 'n off, since Asheville isn't a town where you can just hail a cab on a street corner. (A big change of pace for us New Yorkers.)

The following day, and a highlight of the trip for Seth, was our excursion to Franklin where we went mining at Mason Mountain Mine. There you can purchase buckets of dirt at varying sizes/prices that are stocked with gems and minerals, and you sift through the dirt with water to discover the buried treasures. Mason's gem expert Sandy will happily weed through your findings and let you know what is most of value. If you like, you may pay extra to have your stones cut, polished and made into a finished piece of jewelry. We didn't go that far, but we carted home four weighty bags of raw sapphires, emeralds, quartz, rubys, etc. Seth can't wait to do it again one day.

We had delicious BBQ food one night at the rousing Fiddlin' Pig, and it was a total hoot. We lucked out and got a table front 'n center by the bluegrass band, and clog dancers performed as well. It's very family friendly, affordable and great fun.

We shopped at Biltmore Village at the wonderful New Morning Gallery. If you are a fan of arts and fine handmade crafts, decorative accessories and furniture, this is the place for you, as is Asheville in general. The town is strewn with galleries featuring everything from pottery to jewelry.

On Easter Sunday, we visited Biltmore, America's largest house. It features 250 rooms of arts and antiques at George W. Vanderbilt's historic property. They host year round events, and Seth participated in an Easter egg hunt, we toured the spectacular house, tasted Zinfandel and more at the Biltmore Winery, held and pet baby chicks and other animals, etc. You can also eat and shop there, sleep at the Inn, ride a Land Rover, take a carriage ride, hike, float on a raft or kayak, etc., etc. The activities are endless. And, it's nice just to chill and take in the grandeur of it all, including the gardens.

Downtown Asheville, Seth enjoyed visiting The Health Adventure at the Pack Place Education, Arts & Science Center. They currently feature exhibits/play areas with Clifford The Big Red Dog. While well done, Seth was more interested in the supermarket section and taking a stab at the many mindbending puzzles featured on the second floor. It's a particularly good place to visit with very young children, and comfortable for parents.

On our last day, we took a cab ride to Black Mountain with the new Black Mountain Cab Company, and had a delightful conversation with Kim, one of the owners/drivers. She was good company and recommended a great dinner spot, Ole's Guacamoles (great tilapia) . Kim's taxi company also offers the lowest prices for a cab ride to the airport from downtown, and they plan to offer excursions/day trips to cool places in and around Asheville, so check them out. For general information about Black Mountain, another nice small town to explore, visit http://www.visitblackmountain.com. It's about 20 minutes from Asheville.

Seth and I had such a nice time away (some special mommy-son bonding time), that we wound up staying an extra night. The weather couldn't have been better. I got in some quality shopping. Spent time with a good girlfriend, who also made dinner for us one night at her home on the moutain. (I could see why she moved there from New York.) We drove on the Blue Ridge Parkway and took in the views. We could have stayed even longer, and I know we'll return. Seth said he wants to live there. We'll see what the future brings. Next trip we'll pack his hiking shoes and go from there.

Abandonment -- by Cara

This is the second part of a two part series for this blog.

Abandonment...

A feeling
A feeling of isolation within a relationship
An intense feeling of devastation when a relationship ends
An aloneness not by choice
A woman left by her husband of twenty years
A girl grieving over the death of her mother

Abandonment is all of this and more. It’s wound is at the heart of human experience.
(Excerpted from the book,” The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,” by Susan Anderson, C.S.W.)

The most important purpose for this blog concerns my son. For my husband and I to live under the same roof as “housemates” (AND my husband works from home!), moreover, for it not to be affecting our son in any noticeable way, is downright amazing. And I give my husband and I credit to limiting our disagreements for when our son is not at home. But more importantly, I saw last week how completely vital both my husband and I are to my son at this point in his life.

My husband travels frequently...usually twice a month, for about 3 days per trip. Last week my husband was gone from very early Wednesday morning (my son had just woken up...and he’s an early bird!) to very late on Sunday (almost when my son fell asleep). I could tell by Friday, my son was getting depressed and missing his father. To make matters worse, it had been raining, and predicted to rain the entire weekend. I get severe, chronic pain if we are going to get very bad weather. I was in so much pain, I wanted to gnaw on wood. I had to take my medication with codeine, which meant I wouldn’t be able to drive. I could barely remain awake. My son kept asking when Daddy would be home. I told him 2 more days. My “husband” and I set up Skype on both of our computers so that my son could see and speak to his father while my husband was away. We used Skype both Wednesday and Thursday with my son. My son was elated with this piece of technology! I was elated for my son. But on Friday, my husband was out to dinner with clients and couldn’t get to his hotel to Skype with my son. My son was terribly disappointed. I was too. And in atrocious pain. I slept with my little boy that night.

Knowing I was in so much pain, my Father-in-Law (bless his heart), called early Saturday and offered to take my son to his Karate class and then out to lunch and back to my In-laws house for part of the day. My son couldn’t stay cooped up in the house (especially an ADD child!) with a mother who could barely make meals. So I thanked my Father-in-Law profusely! My son didn’t want to go to Karate. He wanted to go on Skype to see Daddy. My husband was in Texas, and with the time zone change, I knew he wouldn’t appreciate me calling early, but I do what is in the best interest of my son now. I called my husband. I got voicemail and left a message. I texted my husband. No response. My husband used to leave me his flight and hotel itinerary whenever he went away. Forget that. He could be on the moon for all I knew. So I had to tell my son that Daddy was sleeping late and that we would try to “Skype” him later. My son reluctantly went out with my Father-in-Law.

I fell asleep from all of the codeine in my system but woke from a call from my Mother-in-Law, saying that my son was “irritable” and “whiny” and wanted to go home badly to “see” Daddy. I knew he wanted to try to “Skype” with my husband. So while my Father-in-Law was driving my son back home, I called my husband. He couldn’t Skype because he was on his way out to a conference. He couldn’t get calls during the conference, which would last at least 2 hours. My heart sunk for my little boy. I pleaded with my husband to try to at least find a few minutes to call and speak with my son because my son needed to hear his father’s voice. My husband said that he would “try” later.

My son came home and asked to “see” Daddy. I tried to explain that Daddy said he would call later. He wanted to know when Daddy would be coming home. I told him tomorrow. The two of us were a pair of zombies in front of the television. Me in terrible physical pain, my son in terrible emotional pain.

Later that night, after a full day of not hearing from my husband, and before he brushed his teeth, my son asked, “Mommy? Is Daddy dead?” My heart skipped a beat, but I calmly said, no, Daddy was just very busy on his trip. My son doesn’t really understand the concept of death. My father used to live with us before he died. Once my father DID die, we explained that Grandpa would always be with us in our hearts and our memories, but would not physically be coming back home. Five minutes after my son fell asleep, my husband texted me to see if he could speak to our son. I told him no. Our son had just fallen asleep. I slept with my son that night as well. I held his little hand in mine.

Finally it was Sunday. My husband called early because he had to catch an early flight back and he could tell through my numerous attempts, that my son wanted to speak with him. My son was so happy and excited! He wanted to Skype with his father, but my husband was already in a taxi on his way to the airport, so he couldn’t Skype. My husband promised that he would call my son before his plane took off.

When my son got off the phone, he eagerly wanted to know EXACTLY on the clock when Daddy would be home. He told us his plane was to arrive at approximately 3:00 pm. My son planted himself down and would not budge from the house. I was still having residual pain, so I couldn’t take my son anywhere. My Father-in-Law called. He wanted to spend some time with my son. My son adamantly declined; he was waiting for his Daddy to come home. He refused to leave the house.

The rain was pouring outside; thunder was heard periodically. We received a call from my husband…due to the thunderstorms in New York, his flight would be delayed for at least a few hours. My heart sunk for my son. I had to gather up the courage to tell him that Daddy would be delayed by a few hours. My son insisted on wanting to now EXACTLY when Daddy would arrive home. I said I wasn’t sure. But I reassured my son that Daddy WAS coming home.

My son was depressed the rest of the day. He did not want to do anything. He didn’t want to play a game, play some cards, put Legos together…all things that I honestly was in too much pain to want to do, but if it lifted my son’s spirits, I’d grit my teeth and act as happy as possible for the sake of my son.

Then I had an idea. We hadn’t heard from my husband in quite awhile so I said to my son, “If we call Daddy and get his voicemail immediately, that means that Daddy is on the plane, on his way home, because he has to shut off his cell phone while he is flying on the plane.” I dialed the number to my husband’s cell phone and placed it next to my son’s ear. The call went straight to voicemail. “Daddy is coming! Daddy is coming!” My son’s spirits lifted tremendously.

Once my husband’s plane landed, he called to let us know, and again, my son wanted to know EXACTLY when Daddy would be coming home. I assured him it would be very soon. It was close to my son’s bedtime, but I knew he would not fall asleep until Daddy was safe at home. In fact, my son called my husband three times while my husband was in the taxi on his way home to assure himself that Daddy would be home soon.

My husband finally arrived home. With a stuffed animal gift for my son. My son was so relieved; he hugged and kissed his father, gathered the new stuffed animal in his arms, and fell fast asleep, tightly hugging his new toy.

It was through this five-day ordeal that I realized two important things. First, pain or no pain…medical crises or not…I will ALWAYS find a way to care of and be there for my son. I was a single Mom for those few days. With pain so excruciating, I could hardly think straight. But when it came to my son, I met every one of his needs at home. I will always be able to take care of my son, medical conditions or not.

The second, and more important realization is that at this point in my son’s life, he needs BOTH of his parents. And he preferably needs them in the same home. We recently went to a parent/teacher/principal meeting and were told that my son is doing SO much better in school than from earlier in the year. If I were to have my husband removed from our home, the person I would be hurting the most would be my son. I couldn’t bear to do that to him. I am the one abandoned. My son does not need to be abandoned too. But this is not the first time for me. And through therapy, I can eventually put the pieces of my life and my heart back together. One tiny piece at a time.

Honesty - Part I -- by Cara

The past few weeks Motherhood Later has brought on board several new bloggers along with their stories and former struggles. Two bloggers, Liimu and Laura have stories of their lives which have been resonating with me. A lot. Almost constantly. Liimu and Laura are two, what appear to be, very strong but resilient individuals. I read the openers for each of their first blogs and then read the blogs themselves. I was floored as to how these two women have turned their lives around and aspired to get out of life what they really wanted. They inspire me. Which is the crux of my blog today.

My life has not been an easy one either. Nothing close to what others have had to endure, but stressful enough. My mother died when I was a teenager. My father was an “older” father with many heart problems (he would have been 92 this past Monday. He died 3 years ago). And I had to care for him for probably a full decade. My son was born with Gastric Reflux induced colic, which lasted for months on end. Then we found out he had Sensory Processing Disorder. Later, Auditory Processing Disorder and ADD, both, which impact his learning ability in school. But as anyone who treats or knows an ADD/ADHD person, they will tell you that they are extremely bright and creative individuals! So although my son has difficulty reading and writing and is getting extra services in school to help him, he could also chew your ear off about molecules and dinosaurs and the fact that it is now Fall on the other side of the world (he is 6). I often kid that I can almost see him as a doctor because he is incredible in math and science but has the handwriting of a doctor! But I digress.

I simply won’t bore you with the number of medical problems I have. One of which I am dealing with the physical affects of as I write. And the numbers of prescription pills I take are probably as many or more than my father was taking at age 89. I chalk up all of these medical conditions to stress that has built up over my very stressful lifetime. However, I am currently living the most stressful event of my life. Something that I NEVER expected. Something that if you told me a year ago would happen, I would have laughed hysterically and said, “Nonsense!” Something I now grieve every day...the “loss” of my marriage.

My husband (I’m not sure how else to refer to him) and I have known each other for over 20 years. We will have been “married” for 15 years as of this May. Beginning last summer, at the same time as we discovered my son’s learning issues, and I was battling a yet undiagnosed medical problem, my husband’s personality did a 180 degree flip. He changed so drastically; I almost couldn’t discern who this person was whom I was living with. This went on until this past January when my husband wanted to “separate.” I was beyond devastated. My life came crashing down on me. My one stable part of my life...my foundation...was ripped right from under me. When I asked why, he said he didn’t know. When I suggested marriage counseling, some 2 dozen times, he adamantly refused to go. We each sought legal counsel. Both of our lawyers said that if either of us ever wants full custody of our son, we MUST remain living in our present home. It is practically assumed that I would get custody of our son, so I cannot leave our house. My deluded husband has his own mistaken idea that HE would get custody of our son, based on my many medical conditions. Therefore, HE refuses to move out. I sleep in one bedroom, he sleeps in another and we go about our days as “housemates.”

The most important issue in all of this is our son. I guess because of his ADD or other issues, as long as both of his parents are in his home, together, his world is complete. His behavior both in and out of school has not changed one iota. His performance in school has actually improved. He is happy and playful and enjoying life, which I am tremendously thankful for. I grieve and suffer alone at other times. And have an incredible support system of friends. My world of feeling safe and secure is no longer. But I need for my son to feel safe and secure. So I weep in silence. And hope and pray that I can provide this feeling of safety and security for him.

One of the reasons I needed to disclose all of this is that I felt I was living a lie writing about my son but leaving out the “dirty laundry.” My life has piles of dirty laundry right now, and I can no longer step around them. I have to step into them. Thus my need to be honest with myself and with my readers. I could certainly sidestep the issue of the dissolution of my marriage, but it is that very same part that I need my readers to be aware of to get the full picture of what I am facing.

Right now I feel like a single Mom. My best friend is a single Mom by choice...she adopted a little boy who is ironically only 3 months younger than my son. And I ask her constantly, “How do you do it? You work full-time, have a part-time job, a son, a dog, and a house to maintain! How the heck do you do it?” She always replies, “You just do. It’s hard. But you just do what you have to do, sometimes day by day.”

So I guess that is what I intend to do. Take care of life one day at a time. The best I can. With all of the resilience and strength I can muster. And grieve on those days that I cannot.

This is Part I of a two-part blog. Part II will be featured next week as I try to “go it alone” with my child.

GUEST BLOG POST: Everybody Knows Best When You’re a Mom (Except for You) – by Laura Day, author, How to Rule the World From Your Couch

Last I heard, men don't breastfeed. However, my father, when I gave birth to my son on my 33rd birthday, had doctrine on the matter. Partly in response, I ignored my intuition and breast fed until my son, Samson, could unbutton my shirt with one hand. He is now 18, and two rounds of braces have corrected the dental damage. For my breasts, well, as my father says, they served their biological function.

There is too much information available on how to raise your child, but the oldest and the best is that you, the mother, are hardwired to know what to do, even when you are sure you don't! So, how do you listen to your intuition and your hardwired instinct to do the right thing for both you (yes you are still worthy of care) and your child?

First of all, skim the child-rearing books, school info, family info, et al, but keep a book of your own wisdom, and treat that book as you would the Akashic records.

When you see in print what you suspect/know is true, proven time and again, you will be fluid in those moments where your little Einstein decides to throw down the gauntlet in the middle of a family wedding or a upscale shopping mall.

When you sense that something is wrong, or something everyone says is wrong is just fine, allow your awareness to build your case, detailing why you sense your way is best. Intuition can be proven correct when you allow it to provide you with details (and write them down). This is best done over time. Carry that little book with you, and you will amaze yourself.

You teach best by example. Take good care of you. Have a little book that allows your attention to gather information on how you and your child/children can make the best possible team for all team members (yes, that includes you) and implement the information in your daily life.

You speak your own child's intuitive language, and you always will. You know what each other is thinking, feeling, doing. Don't stop listening to the dialog, and don't lie, although share in age appropriate forms. You may not think so now, but if you keep the intuitive conversation open, you will be prepared in advance (the gift of intuition), as will your child, for all of life’s challenges.

One day at school, a fellow classmate called my son a "mama's boy" to which he responded, "yes, I am, and who's boy should I be?"


Laura Day is the New York Times best selling author of PRACTICAL INTUITION and her most recent book HOW TO RULE THE WORLD FROM YOUR COUCH. She has been featured on Oprah, Good Morning America, The Martha Stewart Show as well as Newsweek, Marie Claire, The Wall Street Journal and other international publications. Laura teaches how to use intuition in practical ways to create more successful lives. Visit http://www.howtoruletheworldfromyourcouch.com. Follow Laura at http://www.twitter.com/lauradayintuit

Reassurance with Trepidation -- by Robin

A friend of mine raised a question this week that immediately resonated with me.

She is having marital challenges and finds herself feeling the need to reassure her young son that all will ultimately be ok, in the face of her own deep letdown and insecurity. Understandably so, under the circumstances, she is very hurt by a man she had planned to spend her life with and who she relied on to be a strong, constant presence in her son's life. Now, the future seems uncertain, and she's digging deep to find an inner strength powerful enough for two...both her and her son.

Not only do I feel for her, but I "got" it. I truly did.

Totally different set of circumstances, but I, too, found myself as a mom, working hard to offer reassurance to my son despite my own trepidation.

I grew up with parakeets. At one time, we had three in my childhood home. Parry, Polly and Corky. They were green, blue and yellow. I remember them like it was yesterday...especially the story of how my mom valiantly captured Corky at a local supermarket during a shopping trip. He must have flown the coop from his owner's cage in the neighborhood, and my mother and others bird lovers hunted him down, and mom was the victor, bringing him home in a paper bag. I thought it was so heroic.

Ultimately, one by one they passed away, not to be replaced.

When I got married, Marc and I bought a parakeet of our own. We named her Chiffon because she looked like the white and yellow of lemon chiffon pie. Or, perhaps it was meringue? But, Chiffon sounded better.

I adored her, but 5 years ago, she passed away, and my heart was broken.

Seth was very young then, though he swears he remembers and misses her. We do have photos in the house, and I vividly recall how she used to land on the tray of his high chair, as he'd swat at her with delight, and she hopped away from his attempt to grab hold of her.

After years of knowing that no bird would be the same...I used to call her a "little person with feathers..." I decided I had room in my heart for another. I was ready. Seth would have preferred a dog or cat, but since we weren't going to go there, we opted for a larger bird. Something bigger than a parakeet, but not as large or pricey as an Amazon Parrot.

Hence, we are now the proud owners of Smokey the Cockatiel. Or Smokes, as Seth has dubbed him/her. We think it's a girl, but we're not sure. She's 5 months old and is yellow with patches of smokey grey, hence her name.

It was exciting picking her out in the pet store. Quite unnerving bringing her home in a dark cardboard box for a car ride that felt like a lifetime. I kept imagining that the poor thing must have been terrified. Every now 'n then, we heard a small thud in the box. I presumed it was her attempt to break free.

We speedily prepared her cage and let her out of the box into her new home. And, she freaked out. One minute she looked like a frozen deer in headlights. The next she was fluttering about wildly. Afraid she was going to hurt herself, I took her out of the cage. She made a hissing sound and pecked my hand...luckily I'm not afraid of being bitten. But, I felt so badly. What would it take to get her to trust us? And, how long would the process be? Can you imagine how she must feel? One minute she's in a cage with birds like herself and the next she's living in a strange cage all alone with people she doesn't know staring at her and talking to her.

I want her to love us. We already love her.

Seth kept asking me if Smokey was ok? I believed she was, but there was a little girl inside of me who was fearful knowing that I have no experience with a Cockatiel, and questioned what I was thinking getting a larger bird like this? Couldn't I just remain within my comfort zone and stick to another parakeet?

An even louder voice was screaming at me to believe in myself and our ability as a family to care for and endear this bird to us. As the matriarch, I am the one to assure both Seth and my husband that we made the right choice here. That we'll enjoy Smokey, and she'll enjoy us. And, that we will conquer Cockatiel territory, if we do our homework and have patience.

But, it made me realize, that just because someone is a grown-up, doesn't mean they have all the answers. And, as a mom, we have our moments of uncertainty just like anyone. But, to our children, we strive to be the ever present hero, so that if they're not feeling so brave or confident, we instill in them a sense of peace as we endeavor to navigate new ground together. But who makes us feel brave? How can we do that for ourselves? We can't always look to others even if they offer support. As they say, sometimes it's an "inside" job." And, maybe we're stronger than we admit?!

Smokey made me think back to bringing Seth home from the hospital. That was 7 years ago, and I'm no longer that same novice mom. I still have my days of self doubt. I'm sure I always will. But, just as with Seth, I trust that one day I will feel like caring for a Cockatiel is within my comfort zone, or at least relatively speaking.


PS -- On another note, Motherhoodlater.com is presenting a Life Changing Parenting Teleseminar Series starting April 7th with Elizabeth Pflaum of AAA Parent Coaching. Slots are still open. Visit http://www.motherhoodlater.com and click on the Teleseminar box for info.