Being Present for My Son by Robin Gorman Newman

I am feeling quite out of sorts these days and trying my best despite it to be present for my son.

My father, 93, suffered a series of strokes, and after two weeks in the hospital is now at an acute rehab facility/hospital getting therapy, etc.

It's really hard and sad to see him so compromised and to have to work so hard toward some semblance of recovery.

I find myself some days waking up in a funk and going to bed with a feeling of unease.  I know my father wouldn't want that....but I'm questioning the future.  Stroke is just so cruel.  Where is he going with all this? I miss what he was...my strong, gregarious dad.

I also know what he would want is for me to be the best possible mother to Seth.  I have always considered myself a somewhat playful mom....but of late....my spirits aren't the highest.  This week, after I gave a rousing greeting to our cockatiel Smokey, Seth commented how I don't use that tone of voice with him.

I felt badly, but was also grateful that he was able to express how he felt.  I explained that I have used that voice with him but these days I'm sad over grandpa, and working to recover myself from a bad knee injury, so my emotional and physical plate feels overflowing.  He understood, but what kids do so well is to live in the moment. And while he grasped what I said, his goal was to have his chipper mom back, and I' struggling to find that voice.

A wise friend of mine pointed out that these are Seth's childhood years, and yet he's spent a decent chunk of time in hospitals seeing my dad through various health scenarios.  It's a lot for a child, though Seth is a trooper and always manages to find medical equipment that peaks his curiosity.  No doubt he'd much rather be at a laser tag place, for example, but he has learned that there are things we do in life that aren't always easy and pleasant, especially for people we love...and he does love my father.  But, I have to make it clear to Seth that he is a priority too, since my father's matters often become more urgent.  That's the nature of living the sandwich generation life and one of the big challenges of later motherhood.

I just need to find some pleasure and downtime in the every day, despite my fear, concern, uncertainty, overwhelm, etc...but how to do that?  It's not easy for me.  I know that this too shall pass, as my beloved mom always said, and I know that no one lives forever.  But, I didn't see this coming for my dad.  I'm not saying this is the end for him, but life as he knew it, and we all did, changed in the blink of an eye.  He's tired.  We're all tired.

I guess all I can do at the end of the day is the best that I can do...whatever that is.  Be present for him.  My son.  My husband.  My friends. My sibling.  And myself.  And, if I need a good cry, let it out.

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Alisa Weinstein, author, Earn It, Learn It

“We are living in an era of entitlement, a term used to describe a strange malaise gripping many of our youth. Children from a surprising variety of socioeconomic groups, who have been given too much with little or no effort on their part, clearly feel they deserve to have what they want, when they want it. The symptoms of these “gimmies” are easy to recognize – the insatiable craving for more stuff while showing less appreciation, less interest, and less valuing for what they already have.” Forward by Linda Jessup for Earn It, Learn it by Alisa Weinstein.

Alisa, in my estimation, you have written a brilliant, iconoclastic book in a field already crowded with parenting books representing a huge variety of techniques intended to help parents raise healthy, happy and productive children. LOL! That sounds so unbelievably amazing and surreal coming from someone who isn’t my parents. J Sincerely, deeply—thank you so very, very much! In your case, you are exploring fairly unchartered territory: teaching children the value of money, work and time well spent.  Parents will identify strongly with your first paragraph describing your visit to Target, where your four-year-old needed to have the glittery lip balm on the shelf (despite having 13 more at home), and you finally realized that something needed to change in your family. Tell me more about this pivotal moment and the subsequent creation of your method called Earn My Keep.

A: I think what was most pivotal about that moment is that, initially, I didn’t realize how pivotal it was. All I knew was that my four-year-old had the “gimmies,” and in my exasperation, I told Mia to “Get a job and pay for the lip balm yourself!” At which point the concept just hit me: I was going to pay her for having a “real” career. Her first was market researcher—her choice, since that’s what Daddy does for a living. The two of them had so much fun together, surveying friends and family about their favorite ice cream. But it was immediately clear that so much more was also going on. Besides the fiscal introduction, Mia was practicing professional-level manners, she was creative problem-solving, she was learning words like “pie chart” and “follow-up question.” It was probably only three or four weeks later that I realized an entire program could be developed around the concept. Which led me to interviewing 49 professionals, and translating their everyday responsibilities into more than 950 kid-friendly tasks.

Q:  Your contention, that giving children an allowance hasn’t changed in the more than 100 years of existence gives pause for thought, and that earning money, especially for (or not for) basic household chores, offers little more than “change in the bank” and customary (annoying) groans of “Do I have to?” Can you say more about this?

A: When I unearthed the fact that today’s American parents are handling financial education the same way our great-grandparents did, I got chills. Has there really been no change in all this time? Parents either dole out money OR they pay for household chore completion. But giving children money for no effort misses out on an opportunity to teach more. And paying for chores sends the message that work isn’t fun. Plus, it’s not realistic—no one gets paid for making her own bed. But earning money for doing something that appeals to your own interests is exciting and motivating. It encourages kids to seek out a more personally fulfilling professional life. And it helps them learn that the work we do can be worth more than the numbers on a paycheck.

Q:   What does Earn My Keep offer parents that other philosophies might not?

A: The biggest difference is that Earn My Keep starts at the beginning of the financial process. Other philosophies start with what I call the Part II: what to do with money once it’s earned. But Earn My Keep starts with Part I: how adults earn money in the first place. This offers a much more well-rounded, full-circle picture of the process—one that helps kids connect with the efforts involved in working as much as they connect with the money they’ve earned. It also helps them appreciate how hard Mom and Dad work to support them financially!

And there’s other great things about the method, too (I say a lot of this in the book’s intro): Earn My Keep helps parents differentiate between things we do as productive family members (like making the bed and clearing the dishes) and things we do to pay our bills; it exposes kids to art, culture, creative thinking, manners, math and so much more—without kids even realizing it; it introduces a whole bunch of career opportunities and the idea that passion and job satisfaction exist—a major component to achieving a better quality of life in adulthood; it teaches children that we depend on each other to make the world work, and how accepting that responsibility can make the world a better place; and it gives parents that incredible feeling that comes from satisfying a child’s curiosity about the adult world.

Q:  You indicate that after employing this method, children are often more amenable to doing the more mundane tasks we undertake “(just) because we are members of the same family.” How does that happen?

A: It happens because kids learn to understand, and appreciate, the difference between work we do to earn money and work we do as members of the household. No question my kids need reminding to clean up their rooms and hang up their bath towels. But there’s such a deep comprehension of the difference between chores and work, I don’t mind the occasional nagging. Mia knows she’s one day going to be an adult, responsible for making her bed, and this is the time for her to practice doing it. Even if she doesn’t like it. J

Q:  Parents, esp. new older mothers, are beyond-stressed these days with two-parent working families, aging parents and shrinking budgets, just to name a few problems. How can they incorporate this philosophy easily into family life without feeling like this is one more task which needs to be accomplished?

A: I love, love, love this question because I sincerely feel that if I can do it, anyone can do it. The trick is to blend Earn My Keep into your life, not work your life around Earn My Keep. Another bonus: I use Earn My Keep as a way to check off a number of my parenting priorities in one fell swoop. To get this all done, I recommend doing lots of Level 1 tasks (these are the ones that take 15-20 minutes, use little/no supplies of any kind and can be done at the dinner table, bedtime, in the car, etc.).

A great example is when Mia did her Project Manager task by talking aloud with me as we were driving to a class (or was it a birthday party? or a doctor’s appointment? it all blends…). She had to create a plan for the Tooth Fairy, should every student in her class lose a tooth on the same night. How much time would she have in each house if she had to complete her round in an hour? (There’s math.) What about a Plan B if a window was stuck? (Creative problem solving!)

And I encourage parents (stressed or not) to rely on regular life goings-on for inspiration. Throwing a party? Have little Event Planners make and send out the invitations. Little Accountants could stay on top of the budget. Little Musicians could write and perform a song or two. Even little Dietitians could be responsible for giving a family-favorite recipe a healthy spin.

Q:  What age would you suggest starting this method?

A: Four, four, four and four. J It doesn’t have to be right at four. But that’s about the age you’ll notice kids recognize money exists, and that it’s what Mom and Dad use to satisfy needs and wants. Earn My Keep is comprehensive and flexible enough it can be utilized up to age 12, but the earlier we start, the more natural the kid’s relationship with money can be.

Q:  In a nutshell, please describe the process and the intended outcome?

 A: Super-simple. There’s 49 careers in the book (the 50^th is a Create-Your-Own). Families pick a career, and then a task from that career’s profile. The kid completes the task to the best of his ability on/before a pre-determined deadline. Then on Payday, he gets paid. That’s it! And what you’re looking for isn’t a professional-level product. What you want is to see is good old-fashioned effort. Follow-through. Completion of a process. Your Chef’s cookies could taste like tire rubber, but if he read the instructions all by himself, worked out the math, stirred, poured and watched the oven (all of which maybe for the very first time), your kid has absolutely earned his keep.

Q:  Can you further describe the 50 professions you present in the book?

A: The professions and the professionals behind them go hand-in-hand. I worked with the most wonderful, talented, generous, kind, passionate group of folks you could possibly imagine—all of whom donated countless hours to this project. There’s an eclectic mix of science (Astronomer), math (Banker), art (Curator), culture (Diplomat), social responsibility (Environmental Planner), technology (Transportation Engineer)—you name it—all selected with extreme purpose. I wanted there to be something attractive for every child, no matter her learning style or interests. And to have enough breadth within each career that any kid may discover something he never realized he enjoyed doing. And besides the more than 950 tasks, there’s fun facts, bios, interviews—truly, this is a wealth of information for everyone!

Q:  Where do you suggest parents find the professional “experts?”

A: Hee—open the book! J The Earn My Keep Experts poured their hearts and souls into every page. But if a parent wants to create a totally new career I include tips on where to find them. And sometimes the best place to look is in the mirror! Kids are so intrigued by what Mom and Dad do every day at work, starting with your own career is a terrific way to jump into the program.

Q:  How do you decide payment (amounts) and intervals?

A: Earn My Keep’s hallmark is its flexibility—parents are encouraged to mold the program to fit their values and lifestyle. So some parents may go whole-hog and do one career a week. Or maybe every two weeks, or month. Others may continue to pay their children for chores, but pay for Earn My Keep careers as “extras.” Because of this, I offer some ideas, but nothing is set in stone. Rule of thumb is to pay $1 for every year of age (so a seven-year-old would earn $7) or $1 for every year in school (so a second-grader would earn $2). I’m trying something new with Mia—when she turned seven she started earning $37.50. Yes, this bears some explanation. J I’ve been covering it in THE BIGGEST RAISE FOR A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD EVER: AN EARN MY KEEP e-NEWSLETTER SERIES. Intro is here: http://earnmykeep.com/thought-of-the-week/205-yes-i-pay-my-seven-year-old-37.50-a-week...

Q:  I have what I call “slouchy” kids – they slouch off every chance they can despite my unwillingness to let them do so.  In fact, I’d say that they both lack true passion about most things in their lives. What do you suggest for children who are not necessarily self-motivated or goal-oriented?

A: Self-motivation is a practiced skill—meaning, it’s not like we’re born knowing how to self-motivate. Or even wanting to self-motivate. Just like anything, the more we do it, the better we get. And I think the key to jump-starting this skill in children is, first, talking about it. Put a definition on “starting and finishing a project for the sake of getting it done.” Pick a low-key time to talk about a moment that you were self-motivated and/or a time you saw your child do the same. Then, broaden horizons. One of the aspects of Earn My Keep many folks find most exciting is the sheer breadth of potential career choices. Kids love pretending to be adults. Understanding that something they enjoy doing (being outdoors, participating in a sport, playing an instrument, baking with Grandma) could one day become a profession for which they get paid is such an eye-opener. It’s truly incredible how that role-playing (or, “real playing”) can spark self-motivation.

Q: You’ve undertaken this method with your daughter for several years, now. What is the most positive aspect of this program and what is the most negative?

A: LOL! The most positive aspect? We’d be here for days. J But if I had to narrow down, the most positive aspect is how it’s shaped her approach to life. It’s strengthened her ability to think creatively and collaboratively. To appreciate her own hard efforts. Not to mention the development of a healthy relationship with money. And the negative aspect? Hmmm. That one’s tougher because I’ve yet to come across a negative. I know some parents have difficulty starting, and sticking to any money program on a consistent basis. With Earn My Keep, I think it’s because they try to make it so BIG. But it doesn’t have to be. I encourage families to stick with the Level 1 tasks, play around with the system until they find the rhythm that works for them, and remember that it’s the little moments that add up over time. We’ve got years before we set our little ones out into the world. No need to try to teach everything at once! J

Alisa, I must confess: I’m so excited about this that I’m currently reading your book from cover to cover. LOL! I thought my editor and I were the only ones who did that. J I’ve also told a ton of friends about it. Despite our not being a materialistic family, our children suffer from feelings of massive entitlement.  I so hope this transform our family in the way I’ve envisioned. Thanks for sharing this with us. Oh, no – the pleasure is/was all mine. These were amazing questions—absolutely thrilled to have been given this opportunity!! J

Alisa T. Weinstein pours sixteen years of award-winning copywriting know-how into Earn My Keep, LLC, a multimedia initiative that includes the book and EarnMyKeep.com. With a degree in Journalism/Advertising from the University of Maryland, she uses her creative background to squeeze educational and engaging experiences into her active (read: typically crazy busy) life with her husband and two children. She can be found @ www.earnmykeep.com.

Mission Statement for Motherhood - by Leta Hamilton

As 2012 approaches, I am going to challenge you to write a Mission Statement for Motherhood. This simple technique takes the letters in “Motherhood” and uses them to encapsulate your core values as a person and as a mother. For example, my Mission Statement for Motherhood is as follows:

M = Measure their success by the amount of joy they experience.

O = Open my door when they knock and listen for when they are standing there, but afraid to knock.

T  = Take the time for my own personal and spiritual growth.

H = Help with life and homework, but do not do it for them.

E = Engage with them as people, rather than just as “kids.”

R = Read and Review my Mission Statement for Motherhood often to remind myself of what matters.

H = Harness their passions to the best of my ability and help them master the skills of their dreams.

O = Organize my own life to be fulfilled outside of my kids and my role as parent.

O = Offer myself the same amount of unconditional love I give to them.

D = Demonstrate to the best of my abilities those qualities I most want to pass on – Unconditional Love, Tolerance, Respect, Humility, and Personal Responsibility

This Mission Statement for Motherhood is printed out, framed and hung up in two locations in my home. In the kitchen I can see it as I go about fulfilling the tasks of mother in the communal nature of family. It is here that we eat our dinners, work on our homework and discuss the ups and downs of our day. Next to the light switch just as you enter the kitchen, I am constantly reminded to be mindful of what I consider sacred about life and motherhood. It is not that I have to read it all the time, but it is of tremendous value just being there, knowing that it is available for reading during those moments when I suddenly realize I have forgotten to see the forest for the trees.

It is also in my bedroom hung next to my dresser. This is my personal space where I brush my hair, put on my makeup and prepare my inner self for the new day. It is also the last place I stand before heading into the bed for night. Here my Mission Statement for Motherhood acts as a trigger to bring everything back to center and to that place where everything begins and ends – my inner self. Again, there is no pressure to read it word for word. Its presence is simply a metaphor for the energy that will take me back to a place where I feel at peace. With all the chaos of life and motherhood, I value this metaphor. I need it. Inner peace is a place from which I deviate often.

The process of writing my Mission Statement for Motherhood took several weeks. I wrote draft after draft until I was sure I had a version I would love for the rest of my life. For some, they may choose to write new ones at various intervals of the motherhood path. Who knows? I may change mine at some point down the line. For now, though, it is enough to have it written, printed and framed on my walls. I love having them there. If you have never considered writing a Mission Statement for Motherhood, I would encourage you to write one now, especially as we close up this year and head into 2012. A Mission Statement is the defining statement for a business and so too it can be for our lives. With that clarity, things become much easier. Ease is a treasure every mother can appreciate. Blessings and Happy New Year to you and yours.

ROBIN'S PICKS: Good Reads, Good Health, Good Fun and Treats

CUBIGAMI7
Seven different puzzles in one - there is no right or wrong way to solve Cubigami7's hinged tiles! This award-winning brainteaser from Recent Toys provides young children with simple motor skills development with little frustration as they connect and disconnect Cubigami7 to form seven distinct cubes. However your child puts it together, a formation results.

Whether for long car trips, waiting at the doctor's office, or just settling down to play unplugged, Cubigami7 will entertain children ages 4 and up. Visit http://www.recenttoysusa.com/index.php?id=13.

A donation of 3% of all Cubigami7 sales will be made to the Autism Speaks organization, which funds global biomedical research into the causes, prevention, treatments, and cure for autism.

Cubigami7 was recently named a 2011 National Parenting Publications Award (NAPPA) winner.  My son and I both enjoy playing with this, although his instinct was to attempt to pull the pieces apart so he could build  something.  It makes for a cool stocking stuffer!  Click to purchase -- Cubigami
                              

YUMMI BEARS
Yummi Bears® Gummy Multi-Vitamin and Mineral Vegetarian provides children with a full-spectrum of 16 essential nutrients for their optimal health, including vitamins A, C, and E as well as B-complex vitamins and minerals. Sweetened with natural fiber and lo han fruit, the vitamins are flavorful and naturally sweet without the use of added sugar or artificial sweeteners. Unlike other products in the category, these vitamins are allergen, gluten, and dairy-free and made without the use of synthetic colors. Yummi Bears® Gummy Multi-Vitamin and Mineral Vegetarian answers the call for parents looking to provide a healthy vegetarian option for their children.

If you child is like mine, he or she may hate taking the chalky chewables.  These are a great option and way to keep your child healthy, especially during cold 'n flu season.  Click to purchase - Yummi Bears Multi-Vitamin & Mineral, 200-Count Gummy Bears

Yummi Bears® vitamins may be purchased online and at Whole Foods, GNC and numerous fine health stores across the United States.Visit  the “Where to Buy” section at http://www.heronutritionals.com/.

CURIOUS CRITTERS by David FitzSimmons
In this visually stunning and engaging children's picture book CURIOUS CRITTERS (November 2011, Wild Iris Publishing, hardcover, ages 4-8) photographer David FitzSimmons turns his camera on a variety of animals common throughout North America. CURIOUS CRITTERS presents striking images of everyday animals, including a red flat bark beetle, an Eastern spiny softshell turtle, a spotted salamander, and many other intriguing creatures. Each Curious Critter is photographed against a white backdrop, showcasing the animals' colors, textures, and shapes with precision and clarity. Along with each photo is a vignette, told from the critter's perspective, that educates and entertains. For example, a bush katydid explains her bubblegum-pink color, a poetic opossum opines upon her often-shortened name, and a far-from-modest black swallowtail butterfly lets readers in on her secret for avoiding predators.

Just some of what kids learn:
• What turtles and humans have in common
• Why black swallowtail butterflies impersonates their toxic cousins
• How Eastern box turtles can live longer than humans (over 150 years!)
• If squirrels can fly
• Why crayfish grow new legs
• How bats find food

To see sample photos, visit: http://www.curious-critters.com/.  My son and I were both captivated by this book, though the images of Big Brown Bat and Jumping Spider were more his cup of tea than mine.  Kids who love animals will love this book!

About David Fitzsimmons
David FitzSimmons is a freelance photographer and writer as well as a university professor. Curious Critters is David's first children's picture book. A former high school English teacher, David has been in education for twenty years. He is a professor at Ashland University in Ohio. David holds a Ph.D. in English from Ohio State University, with a specialty in narrative theory-investigating the components of storytelling-something that influences his photography and writing. David was inspired to photograph and write about nature by his parents, Mick and Judy FitzSimmons, active environmentalists and life-long teachers, and he is assisted in his natural history endeavors by his wife, Olivia, a naturalist, and his two daughters, Sarah and Phoebe.


The Cult of LEGO® by GeekDad blogger John Baichtal and BrickJournal Editor Joe Meno
A Full-Color, Coffee Table Book for LEGO Fans

Once they reach high school, many LEGO fans put their bricks in the attic. But for countless more, LEGO bricks are part of their adult lives. Known affectionately as Adult Fans of LEGO, or AFOLs, these builders love those colorful plastic bricks so much that their devotion borders on cultish adulation.

Tens of thousands of AFOLs attend conventions to meet with like-minded builders, and they spend hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars creating scale replicas of Yankee Stadium and World War II battleships, robotic chess sets, and life-sized dinosaurs. Builders post their creations online to be shared with fans of all ages around the world. Their innovations—and the proud builders themselves—are featured in The Cult of LEGO (No Starch Press, November 2011, full color, hardcover, 304 pp., $39.95, ISBN 9781593273910).

Whether readers are eight-year-olds just beginning to explore ways to build outside the LEGO box or longtime fans with years of experience, this stunning, full-color coffee table book offers a fascinating, inside look at the large and diverse community of serious LEGO builders.

About the Authors
John Baichtal is a contributor to MAKE magazine and Wired's GeekDad blog. He has written for legendary tabletop magazines Dragon and Dungeon, as well as for Kobold Quarterly and 2600: The Hacker Quarterly. Joe Meno is the founder of BrickJournal, a print and online LEGO fan magazine. He has organized and run LEGO fan events, acted as an advisor on LEGO projects, and helped design LEGO sets.

My son adores this book!  He's been pouring through it and bringing it to school to share with classmates.  It's a treasure that he can enjoy for many years to come, and if it further inspires him to love reading, all the better...though the photos, themselves, are amazing.

Available in fine bookstores from http://www.oreilly.com/nostarch, or No Starch Press (http://www.nostarch.com/).  This unofficial book is not endorsed or authorized by the LEGO Group.

NEW ANGRY BIRDS FRUIT SNACKS AND GUMMIES
Millions of Angry Birds™ fans will be excited to hear about the new Angry Birds Fruit Snacks and Gummies now available nationwide based on the worldwide puzzle Internet game sensation. Made with fruit juice, all products are fat-, nut- and gluten-free, and are available in cherry, lemon, raspberry, apple, grape and strawberry flavors.

The snacks feature a variety of characters from the Angry Birds mega hit gaming app which has achieved more than 100 million downloads on the world’s most popular mobile, handheld and computer gaming systems including Android™ and Apple® iPhone®, Windows, PSP/Playstation, MAC OS and Google Plus. In Angry Birds, players use a slingshot to control a flock of multi-colored birds that are attempting to retrieve eggs that have been taken by a group of evil green pigs. On each level, the pigs are sheltered by structures made of various materials such as wood, ice and stone, and the objective of the game is to eliminate all the pigs in the level.

The products are available in mass market retail outlets including Wal-Mart, Kroger, 7/11, Justice, Dylan’s, Blockbuster and Toys R Us.  Angry Birds Gummies, Red, 3.5-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 12) - click to purchase

My son, a huge Angry Birds fan since discovering the game on a friend's Droid phone, was thrilled to sample these edibles, and he can't wait to share them with Angry Birds pals who are fans.


YOOHOO AND FRIENDS
Aurora World Inc.’s (http://www.auroragift.com/) YooHoo and Friends™ line is the company’s best selling plush toy category and includes more than 150 variations available at retail with a variety of sizes and themes (i.e.: Valentine’s, Spring/Easter, Halloween, Birthdays, etc.) It all started with the original YooHoo and Friends available in five and eight inches. The cuddly plush YooHoo and Friends characters make a unique and funny sound when you squeeze their tummies (most are available in medium-five inch and large-eight inch sizes). The whimsical YooHoo and Friends inspired the launch of http://www.yoohoofriends.com/, the corresponding free, interactive “virtual world” that makes learning fun and teaches kids about endangered animals in their natural habitats from all over the world.  My son enjoys playing here, and thinks the stuffed animals are adorable.
                                                               

 

 

Note: Thanks to the above companies for providing sample product.  Robin Gorman Newman and MotherhoodLater.com assume no liability relative to products reviewed in this blog.

The Halloween Octo'easter by Margaret Hart

In thinking about this week's blog, I couldn't escape my thoughts about the Nor'easter that slammed the New England states this past weekend on the eve of Halloween.  The network news covered it, but it was the countless posts and pictures on facebook that really told the story:  there were children in snowsuits posing with snowmen and scarecrows alike, pumpkins with snow beards, and tree branches hanging like so many cobwebs over streets, parked cars, and "haunted" houses.

We all heard it was coming, but no one wanted to believe it. So we all went about our business on Saturday, and then all of a sudden, it hit.  Giant clumps of cold, wet snow falling rapidly from the sky.  Traffic ground to a halt as it tends to do at the first big snow of the year. I started receiving email alerts about Halloween events that were cancelled. By mid afternoon, tree limbs were hanging so low, heavy with wet snow, that they literally hit my windshield as I hurried home from errands. Tree limbs had snapped and fallen across streets in my neighborhood. 

By evening, the lights had flicked on and off a few times in our house and we held our breath each time. We hunkered down, popped in the "Great Pumpkin" video and just waited....by bedtime, we were astonished we still had power as the predicted winds had picked up and the trees were really swaying.  We jumped when we heard a loud thump, thinking it was a tree branch hitting the roof, but then realized it was clumps of heavy, wet snow falling off trees.

We live in a densely wooded area and trees are always a problem for power lines. So we made a reservation at a local hotel, just in case, and got one of the last available rooms. By morning, we awoke in our own beds to learn that some 800,000 people in our state of Connecticut were without power, and our governor had declared a state of emergency. New Jersey and New York had not fared well, either.

In most storms, we are among the first to lose power and the last to have it restored. But by some stroke of luck, we had made it through this storm, still had power, and thankfully, no damage to our home. I turned on the television news only to learn that the storm had wreaked havoc throughout New England. Several million people were without power along the east coast. And in Connecticut, our governor announced at a press conference that citizens should expect prolonged delays in restoration. Needless to say, people were not happy.

While I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of a storm in October, I was relieved that this Nor'easter, rather, this "Octo'easter," spared us this time around. I felt bad for all the people who lost power and remain without it as I write. It's a shame that Halloween parties and events were cancelled. Many school districts in neighboring towns cancelled school on Monday (and beyond), and some communities cancelled trick-or-treating out of safety concerns due to downed trees and power lines.

But it was Halloween, and determined moms were finding creative ways to make it a fun holiday for their kids and trying not to let Mother Nature get the best of them.  Facebook chatter switched from "12 hours and counting with no power" to "come to our neighborhood to trick or treat."  Resilient moms (and dads) in "dark" neighborhoods just moved their troops to neighborhoods where the pumpkins were glowing and the bat wings were flapping.   

In the end, this Octo'easter will likely be a Halloween that our kids will remember not because of the power outage and broken trees, or even the postponed or cancelled parties; they will remember it because it snowed on Halloween. Kids are great that way!

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Dr. Kalyani Gopal, author, "The Supportive Foster Parent: Be There For Me"

FACT: There are nearly 700,000 children in the foster care system. At any given time, 200,000 get to go back home. 408,000 remain with their foster families.


FACT: 1/3 of foster parents give up due to their own frustration


FACT: 40% of American children have insecure attachment. This rate doubles for children in foster care.


FACT: Failures in foster care are sometimes due to lack of knowledge and skills.


FACT: 16-25% of homeless children were funneled through the foster care system


FACT: Approximately 80% of those incarcerated have been in the foster care system.


Q: Dr. Gopal, your book seems to have struck an important chord in people, and filled an important need. What led you to write this book?

Thanks Cyma! Every day I see four to five new foster families and each day I seem to be repeating myself over and over again about the pitfalls and joys of foster parenting, the unique coping mechanisms and how to bond with someone else’s child. It dawned on me finally, that there was a dearth of adequate information about the nuts and bolts of foster parenting for new and current foster parents including those who are experienced foster parents. I felt in order to improve the lives of our foster children and prevent destabilization of good homes; we need to educate our foster parents, child care advocates, and administrators.

Q: Your book provides a myriad of factual tips for approaching this journey from many different angles. It appears as if this is an objective, nonemotional approach to a very emotional and often trying experience. Did you intend to write this in this manner?

Yes. Most foster parents are overwhelmed with the day to day drama and emotional issues these children present for no fault of their own. Foster parents usually do not have any time to read a book peaceably. So, this was written in a simple, factual, straightforward manner with the intent to address a myriad of issues in a plain speaking matter of fact approach. I have written the book the way I speak to foster parents every day! They appreciate the honesty and lack of bells and whistles to the issues of foster parenting.

Q: What one fact continuously strikes you when working with this group?

That foster parents do everything they can to bond with their foster child, but they do not realize that the child is going to resist the bonding because of the primary alliance with their biological parent. They take this rejection very personally and as a result feel unappreciated.

Q: What little known fact do you wish to inform/educate the public about?

A foster child is not just any child – she/he is very special in terms how they live their lives. Each night they go to bed not knowing if they will be returning to the same home after school the next day. Foster kids are picked up from school and transported to a brand new foster home with no warning or preparation. These anxieties are deep and the average child or family does not share this daily trauma.

Q: You place much emphasis on the impact and parenting skills of the parent. However, many parents, themselves, have hidden wounds that often emerge after parenting (esp. a difficult child) begins. What can you say to this group?

What a fabulous question. It was this very issue that kept me burning the midnight oil when I wrote this book. I have had foster moms break down and literally weep when a child says innocently that she/he is scared of their foster mother. They are devastated as they were either from abusive homes themselves and have opened their hearts and homes to this child. That is why I state at the very onset of the book that even if you open your home to welcome a child, that child does not want to be in your home. The attitudes towards their own biological mother and/or father are transferred to the foster parent, all of it and if the child was beaten and abused by their mother, they will be scared of their foster mother doing the same.

Q: Many new older mothers cannot successfully conceive, and are therefore looking into adopting or fostering children. What advice can you offer this group?

Definitely adopt a child. These foster kids are amazingly beautiful, once you have their trust. They are more loving, caring, and empathic than even a biological child can be due to their deep sense of gratitude. If they act out, it is only because of the unfairness of their lives, the sense of not worthy of being loved. So, certainly adopt and foster and shower them with love the way they can handle it not necessarily the way you wish to show it. The rewards are immense. Foster parents often are described as ordinary people doing extraordinary things. Be the extraordinary parent by fostering or adopting.

Q: In writing this book, what one overriding theme do you wish to convey?

Children who enter the foster care experience multiple changes in placement due to lack of knowledge on the part of foster parents with regard to how to parent these children. They cannot be parented the way we parent our biological children. So no matter how successful parents have been with their biological children, they can set themselves up for failure with foster children and fall first into confusion and then depression. This causes many family problems. This should not be happening. Foster parents armed with the knowledge in this book and others such as this one, should have all that they need to achieve success in foster parenting. Knowledge of what to expect and how to handle crisis situations is power, and I wanted to EMPOWER all foster/adoptive parents.

Thank you for your time. I intend to purchase this book for my dear, single 54-year-old-friend, who intends to become a foster mother for the very first time. She will appreciate this!