Just Being a Mother by Cyma Shapiro

When I began my project about new midlife mothers and then began writing about related topics on MotherhoodLater, I was grappling with the truth: about coming into motherhood at a much later age; about my encroaching my middle age; about the “Change of Life” and all that it brings; about reinventing oneself and all that it means, especially having gone past the century mark (sssshhhhh). 

In truth, before this time, I was always racing along trying to be the same – the same as all the other mothers on the playground; the same as all the other mothers at school; the same as so many other mothers I’d see at the grocery school and mall. No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to be or feel included. That nagging childhood feeling of being the last one to be picked for the (sports) team or having the last birthday in the class (I was nearly always the youngest), or just being plainly different would haunt me daily.

Interestingly enough, many people said that I wore motherhood “well;” that I seemed quite at ease pushing a stroller. In fact, many people said that they liked the way I looked as a new mother. None of this lessened my acute and never-ending feeling of dissimilarity, and being the odd-man-out.

It’s a strange thing this midlife mothering. Most of us don’t feel our age, many of us don’t look our age and nearly all of us want the same thing that many other women want. Only we want it during a different chronological age than much of the rest of the world’s mothers.  The sociological reasons for this are varied and complex: maybe we couldn’t find Mr. (or Mrs.) Right; maybe we were headlong into a successful career or the pursuit of our goals. Maybe, like me, we had a fear of motherhood or commitment or could rationalize away the timeline believing that when and if we were ready, we would nevertheless instantly become mothers. Many of us now know otherwise.

And, so, Plan B emerged – how would we do this without: a partner, natural childbirth, money, support, good health, and on and on.  As midlife mothers, we’ve all had to grapple mightily with our internal and external truths. We’ve also had to grapple with our age - not in theory, but in reality. We all know that our lifetime is short and the amount of time left spent with our children not long enough. All mothers feel this way, but we acutely feel this fundamental truth each and every day of our lives.

But, at the end of the day, we are all just mothers – longing for a family/love/legacy/bonding, and trying to do the best job we possibly can. Perhaps the “time of life” has changed me. I can no longer compete and I really (feel I) am no longer in the same league as so many other mothers. But, this doesn’t matter at all. My goals and desires are just the same as yours and I’m also living it every day with joy, peace, and a very full heart.  I am a midlife mother but, first and foremost, I’m just a mother, too.

Midlife Mothering And Learning by the Bell Curve By Cyma Shapiro

A funny thing has happened to me during the past few weeks. I’ve made awarenesses that I know are designed to teach me fundamental truths about my life. They look like this:

I’m a very driven person. I know what I like and I go after it; in most cases I get it. Mothering after 45 is one example; and in that case, I was certain I knew what life would be like after that. I was wrong. In fact, I was dead wrong. It has been like this for many other things that have followed: the advent of my next child at age 48; my belief that our friends and social circles would stay the same after children; the belief that it’s possible to become a mother and maintain the same friends, job, house, husband and, most importantly, the rhythm of your previous life.  Let’s see…I believed that my women’s project – examining the underlying beliefs and reasons for choosing motherhood over 40 – would flourish in a particular manner, in a particular timeframe.  It has been successful, but not in the manner I expected.  In reflecting on this all, I now also remember some of my previous beliefs - that the biological clock was mere hyperbole – that one was, perhaps, a tad bit unrealistic. My most recent belief?  That menopause would somehow overlook me.  And, now this - that my launching another blog site for midlife mothers would also allow me to continue writing for MotherhoodLater.  It will not.

While many of you might have seen some of these changes coming, no one is more surprised than me. And, I keep being surprised. I also keep thinking that I have it all in check; that life will turn out the way I expect it to, but, in fact, it doesn’t. Nearly ever. “Expectations,” my husband always says to me, “You have too many expectations.” But in the moment, nothing seems out of my grasp and everything seems doable and easily attainable for my life.  How very wrong I often am.

So here I am at a really sad juncture. MotherhoodLater Founder, Robin, allowed me my voice again; gave me latitude for pursuing my thoughts, goals and dreams. And I took the bull by the horn and went for it all. And, in getting most of it, I now need to let go – of Robin, and of MotherhoodLater. 

This is tough.  Despite the corniness of this, it really does feel like the child leaving her mother; the school-girl going to high school; the young adult getting married. For everything that moves forward, something (or someone) nearly always gets left behind. And, now it’s my dear friend, Robin.

Oh, I’ve no doubt we’ll remain good friends, but that mentoring relationship; that nurturing under the wing so-to-speak is gone. Now, I’m on a ledge alone, much like I imagine she already is.

So, here I go into the unknown. Two more weeks on this site, but I’ve already started saying my “good-byes.” Growing up is SO hard to do…