Just Being a Mother by Cyma Shapiro

When I began my project about new midlife mothers and then began writing about related topics on MotherhoodLater, I was grappling with the truth: about coming into motherhood at a much later age; about my encroaching my middle age; about the “Change of Life” and all that it brings; about reinventing oneself and all that it means, especially having gone past the century mark (sssshhhhh). 

In truth, before this time, I was always racing along trying to be the same – the same as all the other mothers on the playground; the same as all the other mothers at school; the same as so many other mothers I’d see at the grocery school and mall. No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to be or feel included. That nagging childhood feeling of being the last one to be picked for the (sports) team or having the last birthday in the class (I was nearly always the youngest), or just being plainly different would haunt me daily.

Interestingly enough, many people said that I wore motherhood “well;” that I seemed quite at ease pushing a stroller. In fact, many people said that they liked the way I looked as a new mother. None of this lessened my acute and never-ending feeling of dissimilarity, and being the odd-man-out.

It’s a strange thing this midlife mothering. Most of us don’t feel our age, many of us don’t look our age and nearly all of us want the same thing that many other women want. Only we want it during a different chronological age than much of the rest of the world’s mothers.  The sociological reasons for this are varied and complex: maybe we couldn’t find Mr. (or Mrs.) Right; maybe we were headlong into a successful career or the pursuit of our goals. Maybe, like me, we had a fear of motherhood or commitment or could rationalize away the timeline believing that when and if we were ready, we would nevertheless instantly become mothers. Many of us now know otherwise.

And, so, Plan B emerged – how would we do this without: a partner, natural childbirth, money, support, good health, and on and on.  As midlife mothers, we’ve all had to grapple mightily with our internal and external truths. We’ve also had to grapple with our age - not in theory, but in reality. We all know that our lifetime is short and the amount of time left spent with our children not long enough. All mothers feel this way, but we acutely feel this fundamental truth each and every day of our lives.

But, at the end of the day, we are all just mothers – longing for a family/love/legacy/bonding, and trying to do the best job we possibly can. Perhaps the “time of life” has changed me. I can no longer compete and I really (feel I) am no longer in the same league as so many other mothers. But, this doesn’t matter at all. My goals and desires are just the same as yours and I’m also living it every day with joy, peace, and a very full heart.  I am a midlife mother but, first and foremost, I’m just a mother, too.

Cyma Shapiro Chats with Julie Metz, author of Perfection

Q: You have become easily identified with your bestseller, Perfection— a story about love, betrayal, and finding oneself. However, many readers are unaware that you are also nearly classified as a new midlife mother, having conceived in your late 30’s. How does your age factor into your story?

A: Age is a factor in my story. When my mother gave birth to me in 1959, she was considered an older mother at age 30. I had my daughter at 37. When my husband died I was 43, and the mother of a six year old. To start over as an older parent at 43 was one of the many challenges I faced.

Q: You’ve said your current household is full of “girl power”—one woman in menopause and one teen on the cusp of life changes. This is a new trend, reflecting the complexities that are emerging from new midlife motherhood.  What are your feelings about this phenomenon? How has this forced you to reexamine your own life?

A: I am mindful of this situation every day. I recall having difficulties as an adolescent with my own mother because she seemed “out of touch,” though in fact we were closer in age than I am to my own daughter. I struggle to stay current, whether it involves mastering new technology or understanding social trends so that I can stay connected to my daughter’s life. The truth is that I often feel exhausted and clueless.

Q): With the emergence of new midlife mothers, do you think traditional societal expectations are slowly dissolving? That is, do you think a relaxation of family structures will eradicate many traditional norms within our lifetime?

A: Our own family looks conventional enough from the outside: man, woman, child, but we have different last names. Our goal as parents is to provide support for our young adult while fostering her growing independence. But for now we choose to do this without some of the traditional formal labels. Around me I see many divorced women and single mothers struggling with similar challenges. Personally I don’t think formal labels mean as much to kids as what’s really going on. So I try not to worry too much about traditional labels. 

Q: As a midlife mother, what do you have to offer now, that you would not have had during your younger years?

A: I like to think I am smarter, but mostly I think I am better able to accept the idea that I am imperfect. 

Q: If you had to live your life over, again, would you have chosen this same path?

A: While I often wish I had the energy of myself at 25, I have no regrets. I love the child I have so much, so there is nothing I’d want to change.

Q: We say that this zeitgeist is a result of breakthroughs in medical technology; socio-economic freedoms for women and a relaxation of traditional norms -- all converging on our generation. Given these new opportunities, will you educate your child differently than you were educated by your mother?

A: I would love my daughter to take time to find her true calling before having children. My mother led by example and I don’t know that I would take a different approach. My hope is that coming generations of women and men will help create a society that is more open to working mothers. And I hope my daughter will be able to make career and mothering choices that will suit her life and talents.

Q: Finally, do you have any advice for new midlife mothers? 

A: Make time to keep yourself healthy and fit, so you can keep up with your kids!

Julie Metz is the author of the New York Times bestselling memoir Perfection, which was a 2009 Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers Selection. The recipient of a MacDowell fellowship, her work has appeared in publications including The New York Times, Publishers Weekly, Glamour, Hemispheres, and websites such as Wowowow.com (The Women on the Web), Family.com, and the story site mrbellersneighborhood.com. 

Reinvention by Robin Gorman Newman

I used to be a Vice President at a public relations firm in Manhattan.

I liked my work, and was known to be a supportive boss, generous with my time and knowledge and a respected practitioner.

It felt good.

I had my own home-based practice for some time after leaving that firm, trying to set the stage for motherhood, so I could make my own hours. My goal was to be around for my son and to take on clients on a select basis...those that got my creative juices flowing.

I created a successful business, but ultimately burnt out from it.  I could have had a full-fledged firm, but instead, the universe heard me, and the nature of my business changed, and I ultimately focused on being a writer....promoting my own books How to Meet a Mensch in NY and How to Marry a Mensch (decent person).  I appeared on CNN, The Today Show, Good Day NY, etc.  It was a whole different experience being in front of the camera versus being the one to media train my clients.  But, it was fun, and jumpstarted my career as a Love Coach for Singles.  I went on the lecture circuit and started offering private consultations to help singles lead more successful social lives.  After all, I had met my Mr. Right Mensch, so I wanted to help others do the same.

I still wear this hat, but since becoming a mom, I launched Motherhood Later...Than Sooner.  It was born out of personal need to connect with other later moms like myself.  It did not start out as a business.  But, now that we have a website, chapters worldwide, online communities, four newsletters, bloggers, etc....it's taken on a life of its own.  I'm immensely gratified knowing that I've created a resource/community unlike any other for those parenting later in life. And, while my goal remains that of supporting later moms in their parenting endeavors to the best of my ability, I need to wear the hat of mompreneur as well.  It is vital that MotherhoodLater.com secures advertisers, sponsors, partners, etc. who can help sustain our efforts.  Given the huge amount of time it takes me on a daily basis to oversee all aspects of Motherhood Later, I'd welcome the involvement of an ad sales rep and even a potential business partner who, like me, can envision all that is possible with Motherhood Later and is in a position to help take it to the next level.  That would be immensely exciting for me and the  moms we serve!  I remain hopeful that will happen.  Given the distinct and powerful niche and demographic we have cultivated, our audience is a highly desirable one for marketers.

Aside from Motherhood Later, I aspire to write a play (possibly musical) based on my dating books, and when time permits, or really when I give myself permission to focus on it, I pour through my notes and do my best to create characters, write scenes, etc.  While it feels like a daunting project, it would give me immense pleasure to see my work take to the stage.

And, perhaps I have other books in me?  I contemplate this as well.

Maybe write a column?

Have a radio show?  I've thought about that.

Perhaps take on some PR clients?  I'm available to jump back into that arena, especially if a company or individual is looking to target the parenting arena.  This has become an area of expertise for me....though my promotional skills are really quite versatile.

I often feel like I'm in a state of flux.

As my son grows and changes, so do I.  We are reinventing together.

Both  our futures are far from clear. I don't have it all figured out, nor does he.  He has a long way to go before he commits to a career.  At this stage, being a fireman is high on his list.  We'll see how that desire morphs over the years.

For me, I remain open to possibility.  The soul of a creative spirit  is often a restless one.....and I'm in a constant state of searching for the next BIG idea....the one that will truly put me on the map!

Until then, I remain a multi-tasker who struggles to balance motherhood with professional pursuits, as do many of us.

In light of this, I thought it fitting to present to mothers a program that can change lives.  Motherhood Later has partnered with Leslie Evans Thorne, a talented, wise and compassionate Reinvention Coach (and "later" stepmom), who, with us, will be offering a FREE Teleseminar on October 19th, 12noon EST, on the subject of REINVENTING AND RE-ENTERING THE WORKFORCE: 7 SMART STRATEGIES FOR MOMS.  It will shed light on how to:

Putt your passions to work for profit.
Reinvigorate a career that has become stagnant.
Define a new professional path for yourself.
Cultivate your own earnings potential.
Reclaim your identity as a woman...who happens to be a mom.

It is all possible....even if it feels like a huge, unknown balancing act.  But, once you gain clarity, it can be exciting!

I am a big fan of  teleseminars.  They provide easy access to expert information and thoughtful, confidential conversation on the phone, from the comfort of your home or office. Participants may hear one another and join in the discussion, all while learning.

The decision to transition from full-time motherhood to career pursuits, even if part-time, isn't an easy one. It might even feel overwhelming. Where do you start? You're not the same person you were when you left the workforce. You're a mom! And, how to use that to your advantage, even if might not feel like one?! It is possible.

The advice provided in this teleseminar series have the power to change your life forever and create one that feels fulfilling on a variety of levels. We all know that we love our children and wouldn't trade being a mother, but some want and need more. I, personally, look forward to participating in this call.  I  know that Leslie's insight is something I can use and apply to the questions I often ask myself as a woman, mother and professional.

If you have any questions, write to me --  robin@motherhoodlater.com.  To register, visit http://www.momsreinventcall.com/.  Be sure to sign up TODAY before the call fills up.  And, if you can't be on the line at that time, if you register, you will be emailed a recording which you may listen to any time at your convenience.

And, don't hesitate to invite family and friends.  Dads are welcome as well!

Leslie Evans Thorne has spent over 15 years empowering people to unleash their potential and find work that is meaningful and rewarding. Her specialty is helping women and men leverage themselves in the workplace by incorporating innate talents and abilities with proven skills and experience. Whatever a person's professional aspiration, even if they feel stuck and uncertain, Leslie helps people think out of the box. She has worked with all levels, from CEOs to mailroom clerks, in industries across the board. She is currently writing a book about the workplace of the future and has been seen on CNN.

GUEST BLOG POST: New Mom, New Image: a Mommy Makeover by Emily Roy

[photo: Janice (l) and Emily (r)]

After having four babies in five years, nursing for a total of forty-seven months and getting up at least once during the night for six years, I was groggy, saggy and stretched, to say the least. I hardly even felt like myself anymore. And every time I stepped out the door, I couldn’t understand how other moms looked so put together; they looked human, and I felt like a zombie! What were they doing to look so comfortable in their new mommy skin that I was missing?

For starters, they were probably showering, but upon further inspection, I noticed a few things about these moms who looked like real people. I was surprised to discover that it actually wasn’t as complicated or time consuming as the end result appeared. So here is a quick list of the best things you can do for yourself to reclaim a little of the woman you still are:

• Know your proportions. The end goal is always to create an hourglass shape.

• Don’t wear things that are too tight (the sausage effect – not good)…Or too loose (the eternally pregnant effect–also not good). If you like comfy clothes, go for softer fabrics, cute flats, even a sundress.

• Get a sitter before you shop (if only Ikea sold clothes!). Don’t even try a serious shopping trip with your kids. You’ll end up with just half an outfit before someone melts down.

• Be prepared. Don’t shop for an event last minute, be ready with an outfit for a bridal shower, date night, etc. You will save yourself money, frustration and probably rescue yourself from an outfit you don’t like.

• Wear a ponytail, just make it a cute one–put a little braid in front, or part your hair before putting it back into a low ponytail.

• If you’re hair is short, be honest with yourself: is it working for you? It may be time to consult with a stylist for some suggestions (I know, it feels like you’re cheating on your current stylist but a mom’s gotta look good!). And keep up on your haircuts; schedule your next appointment as you leave the salon.

• Keep your lip gloss handy. For me, this means they are everywhere: glove box, junk drawer, the Barbie castle, etc.

• Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. You will instantly look like you have it more together than you do! And scarves and long necklaces can have a slimming effect when used to create a vertical line down your chest.

• Expand your wardrobe beyond jeans. This was a hard one for me because I love my jeans, but I have discovered dresses which brings me to my last tip…

• Try a dress! They are generally more forgiving to your figure and they can easily be dressed up or down. An empire waist can hide a little leftover baby weight and you’ll feel feminine even if you’re playing cars with your two year old!

(Lisa - before)

Recently I worked with Janice Hurley-Trailor, The Image Expert, on a makeover of a new mom Lisa. Lisa owns a gym, teaches gymnastics and dotes on her two small children. Needless to say, her attire tends to consist of workout clothes!

Janice put her in soft gray cords with similarly colored boots, a layered long sleeved shirt under a tank with a belt and a sassy, face-flattering haircut. Her earrings are small so as not to overwhelm her delicate face, layering her shirts adds interest and sophistication (plus it extends a summer tank into fall), the belt adds definition and the boots lengthen her legs. Goodbye workout mama, hello hot mama!

(Lisa - after)

These are relatively simple, time-friendly ideas that any mom can implement even in the most chaotic days of early motherhood. Honestly, the hardest part is remembering that even as moms we deserve to turn a little of that love and attention we give to our children back on ourselves.

Oh and do shower—It really goes a long way toward feeling wholly human and not just a receptacle for spit-up, snot and drool!

EMILY ROY
Copy editor turned mother of four in five years, Emily Roy is just now coming up for air. She has led over a hundred moms as Director of Mom's Group at her local church in Tacoma, WA. Roy has written everything from Sunday school curriculum to website text to poetry published in The Trillium. She has a BA from the University of Washington, Tacoma in Interdisciplinary Arts and Sciences with a Concentration in Arts, Media and Culture. Between laundry and hugs, she trains for triathlons and patience. She is currently at work on a new book on makeovers for new moms with image expert, Janice Hurley-Trailor.

JANICE HURLEY-TRAILOR
Janice Hurley-Trailor is an image expert with 25 years of experience. She has worked with professional practices, businesses, and government agencies. She is the mother of four grown children and grandmother to seven.  Visit http://www.janicehurleytrailor.com/.