The Sweetness and Sorrow of Ceremonies - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

A couple weekends ago, my son and I went to the Communion ceremony of my best friend’s son. Considering that I had never participated in a communion ceremony and my son is being raised Jewish, this was a brand new experience for both of us.

We were escorted to chairs on the side of the alter, with the other guests, and were lucky enough to get front row seats. While we waited for the procession of children seeking Communion to arrive, my son had many questions. Why did the “bad men” do that to Jesus (nail him to the cross)? Why are the children eating those round things and all drinking out of that cup? Don’t they know they can get germs by doing that? And many other questions about the differences between the two religions. I tried to answer each of his questions as simply but as completely as possible. A daunting task when it comes to religion.

At one point, my son wanted me to put my arm around him, hugging him close. He held onto my dangling hand. He then asked, “Mommy? All of the girls look like brides. Why do they have to look like brides?” I explained that by wearing a white dress and a veil, it is as if they are “marrying” or becoming closer to God in the Church. At that moment, my son pointed to my wedding band, which I wear on my right hand, the hand he was holding. He asked, “Mommy? Is that your wedding ring?” I told him that it was. He then carefully slid it off of my finger and immediately replaced it. Then he said to me, “See, now we are married, Mommy.” There is much to analyze about this, but we’ll save that for the professionals. His gesture, however, triggered an interesting feeling in my heart. Considering that my wedding anniversary will be this coming weekend, having my son pronounce his desire to be committed to me and love me unconditionally forever, brought back those giddy feelings I felt 16 years ago when my husband put that very same ring on my finger. Only when my son did it, the feelings felt deeper and truer. This is probably attributed to the fact that a Mother and child, especially a son, have an extremely close bond. I feel that bond with my son every second of the day. But with my son symbolically wanting to “marry” me, it made me feel that, unlike his father, my son will never betray me. He will never abandon me. He will always be there for me. “In good times and in bad.” Completely unlike his father. And instead of grieving for the loss of my marriage, I felt secure that there is one person in this world who WILL be mine forever. Until death does us part. Or he finds a spouse.

My therapist warned me about little boys my son’s age going through the Oedipal Syndrome (where the little boy wants his mother all to himself, while pushing his father away from his mother). Well, his father is about as far away as he can get, right now. But I am making sure that my son knows that Daddy loves him just as much as I do. And that there is no reason to push Daddy away. I will always be here for my son. Still, my son wants me. He needs me. He knows deep down inside that I completely understand him, inside and out. So let him hang on to me for a while longer. In a couple years, I will be, “Mommy who”?

As for my anniversary, I will dig up all the fun memories from last year when I whisked myself away to the Bahamas for 5 days. I tried to go this year, but although the hotel prices were reasonable, the flights cost half an arm and a leg due to the high fuel prices and surcharges. The rates were ridiculous. So, instead, out came the t-shirts, the cheap, beachy jewelry, and the photos I took on my excursion. Last year was a milestone anniversary. I had to remove myself from this continent and distract myself with pristine beauty and fun. I got what I went for. This year will be solemn. My husband has a wedding to go to on the day we got married. I wonder how or whether that will affect him at all? In any event, I’ll spend time with my son and maybe even go to our local pool. I’ll lie on a lounge chair, close my eyes, and reflect back to my time in the Bahamas. I will be with the sweetest little man, who loves me so much, he wants to “marry” me. At this point in my life, what more could I ask for?

My Happiness Project - by Cara

For those of you who missed reading my blog from last week, I discussed how my fifteenth wedding anniversary was coming up on Memorial Day Weekend. The issue, though, was that my husband and I are newly separated. I knew that if I were to stay at home, I would be crying and grieving the entire weekend. I decided that the best thing I could do was to get away to a place that would distract and enthrall me enough to try to “forget” that it even was my anniversary. Here I chronicle what I term, my own Happiness Project.

I made the decision to go to the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas. I had been there for short stays twice before. I adored everything about this resort! From it’s many pools and water activities, to an expansive underground aquarium, to rock climbing! I loved it all!!

I arrived at the hotel at approximately 6 pm and after dropping my things off in my room, I headed for the outdoor bar for a large tropical drink! It relaxed me and set the tone for the rest of my stay! I perused the hotel, the choice of activities offered, walked to a nearby shopping area, and essentially just took in the gorgeous surroundings! Although there were may options to partake of, including a Sheryl Crow concert at the hotel, I simply just wandered around, collected brochures and mulled through them once I returned to my room.

I couldn’t have asked for a nicer location as hotel rooms go (remember, I AM the Hotel Snob - see Archives under same title). I had a room at the end of the hallway, away from elevators, traffic, maintenance rooms, but most importantly, right next to the beach and ocean! The sound of the ocean washing onto the shore was so relaxing, I left my sliding door open all night, every night!! I loved falling asleep to the sound of the rolling waves!

When I woke up the following day, I decided not to sign up for any specific activities, except for the Sheryl Crow concert, so that I could lounge and relax. I found a sparkling pool that had cutouts in rock, lining the pool. Through those oblong cutouts, you could see portions of the aquarium that ran behind it! It was so amazing! I went to get my phone, praying I wouldn’t drop it in the water, and took photos of these aquarium cutouts! Later on, I uploaded them to friends as my computer had internet service, but my phone didn’t.

When some clouds started wandering by, I decided to head back to shower and change. Once clean and happy, I ventured to the excursion desk to see if I could plan an activity or two for the following day. When I visited the hotel last year, I swam with dolphins. This time around, I decided to try swimming with sea lions! I went to book my adventure, but was told it was sold out for the whole next day. And I would be leaving the day after that. A lovely lady who worked at the excursion desk suggested that I go on a sea lion adventure that was offsite, but close by. She suggested I come down at 9 am the next morning to make sure I got a slot in the schedule.

The next day, I ran down, in my pajamas no less, to the excursion desk. The lovely lady who was there the day before was working again that day and remembered me from the night before. She first tried calling the sea lion tour that was offsite, but did not get an answer. On a whim, she tried calling over to the hotel’s sea lion facility and explained that I really wanted to go on the sea lion excursion, that I was only one person, and could they possibly squeeze me in that day...and they did!! It was the last excursion of the day, but that lovely lady got me in to swim with sea lions!! I was so excited, I hugged her! I then went back to my room to see how I would fill up the rest of the day. I decided to swim some more, walk along the beach, and sit in a float and go down the lazy river! Well, I did most of what I wanted, except for the lazy river. There were quite a few children there and all of the floats were occupied. I thought of my son and how the two of us laid on a two-person float last year and floated the mile of lazy river together! I decided to wait to go down the lazy river when I came again with my son!

Then I was ready to play with the sea lions! I boarded a hotel shuttle to travel to the area where the dolphins and sea lions were kept. They had us put wet suits on over our bathing suits. Then, after a lengthy, but quite informative orientation of the facility, we met all of the sea lions, even the 4-month-old babies! These “babies” weighed 150 pounds!! The biggest male sea lion they had weighed 500 pounds!! That’s a lot of sea lion!!

The sea lion we interacted with was named “Pippin.” She was a highly trained female who worked with a female trainer. The trainer had Pippin do some tricks and show off for us. Then we were able to get into the water with her. First everyone had a chance to pet her and get a picture taken petting her. Pippin even stuck her tongue out at the camera on queue! We then learned about some of the commands the trainers teach the sea lions. One was a kiss on the cheek. Everyone got a chance to get “kissed” by Pippin and “hugged” too! For the less squeamish, we could feed Pippin a fish as a treat. I decided to go for it! When would I feed a sea lion again?

Once the sea lion excursion was over (and another nice woman worker, who felt badly that I was there by myself, gave me a free snorkel, mask, and bag to take home to Brandon!), I shuttled back to my hotel and poured myself into my room to take a short nap. Then it was up and out to visit the “Bar on the Beach.” After 2 daiquiris, I, along with all of the other patrons, were dancing together with the bartenders, laughing and having the time of our lives!! When was the last time I uninhibitedly danced at a bar?? Too many decades ago, that’s for sure!! The bartenders stayed open a full extra hour for us, and played lots of music from my “era!” Once they closed down the bar, I stumbled to my room (those daiquiris were DAIQUIRIS!!). I wasn’t hungry and too “tipsy” to wander around, so I went on to my computer and made it an early night. Again, falling asleep to the sound of lapping waves!

I woke up the next day late!! I don’t remember waking up so late in ages!! I wandered downstairs to get coffee. I came back and dressed. But this was my REALLY relaxing day!! And the Sheryl Crow concert was that evening!! I took lots of photos, visited the aquarium the hotel is known for and took the day in stride. Then it hit me! I would be leaving this Paradise early the next morning!! I didn’t want to leave!! It was too soon!! I went to the front desk and inquired about the shuttle service I would need to pick me up early the next day. I found out that it was too late in the day to arrange it! There would be no way to get a shuttle the next morning to make it to the airport on time!! I called Jet Blue. They said for a $40 flight change, they could put me on a later, direct flight. I took it! I took the latest flight they had!! I could stay!! Even a few more hours made me elated!! I dressed for the Sheryl Crow concert, dancing around to the song “Soak Up the Sun!!”

I knew that luck was on my side, once again, when I went to the theater and found that they had given the same seat to both a gentleman who was part of a 10-person party and me. I didn’t want to break up the party, and since the box office made the mistake, and again, because I was by myself, they gave me a seat 4 rows from the stage!! I was so close, I could count every one of Sheryl’s waves in her hair!! I yelled and screamed, and even got up on the chairs like everyone else and danced my heart out!! I felt free! I felt unencumbered! Like I didn’t have a care in the world!! Like a feeling I haven’t felt in decades!

I am home now. I slept with my little boy the night I returned because he had fallen asleep by the time I arrived back. I wanted him to wake up knowing Mommy had returned, as promised, and I was right there next to him. Along with a bag full of presents for him to dive into once he woke up.

I titled this blog, “My Happiness Project” because I brought a book along on my trip called, “The Happiness Project,” by Gretchen Rubin. I fortunately or unfortunately, never even had the chance to crack open the book. But I set out to find happiness for myself, and I certainly did just that! Thus, the title of this blog.

One last thing; I have found that traveling alone can offer quite a few benefits! The best being finding your own happiness, any way you can!!
The second best is getting quite a few perks for being a solo traveler! I highly recommend it for anyone who is game!! Oh, and I WILL be going back to Paradise! Very soon!!

Memorial Day (ode to my marriage) - by Cyma

Memorial Day usually means parades and barbeques, a chance to have ‘family time,’ the beginning of summer. On this weekend 14 years ago, I got married – a lifetime ago if we count all the experiences, life changes and myriad of adjustments that have taken place. During that time, I also turned 50.

I routinely use this weekend to assess my marriage. There were several years where I was just plain unhappy; one or two when I was in neutral; a few where I was in lust and still more where I was enraged.

I remember an old friend commenting that she no longer exchanges anniversary cards or presents. She also does not wear her wedding ring. I have never not exchanged gifts; however, last year, I went several weeks without wearing my ring. The incident was intended to convey a strong message and to test the waters -- to see how it would feel, and how others would feel about me. It felt equally liberating and sad. I eventually put my ring back on – a testament to my husband’s commitment to regroup and get help. I have not taken it off, since.

I have never understood the ins and outs of relationships. For me, I was either ‘in’ or ‘out.’ I think that marriage allows you many options – to stay ‘in’ while being ‘out;’ to stay ‘out’ while being ‘in;’ to think about being ‘out’ while being ‘in.’ You know what I mean. The list of options goes on and on.

I got married because I decided I would. I decided that this would be the last personal ad I would write, the last boyfriend I would date. I decided on that first blind date that I would marry him. I found out later that he decided the same. Just before I got married, I had a brief moment of realization that I would never kiss anyone else again. I was panic-stricken. It was fleeting.

Growing up watching my parents, I had a very hard act to follow – they are definitely soul mates. My husband and I are not. For a long time, I felt very sad about it. I can’t say that I’ve ever given up longing for this, but I can say that I’m more comfortable, now, not having it.

In recent months, I sense an ease between us: an almost second coming. I feel like we’re on a new plane with new rules and regulations. I think we like each other again; we’re working on the love part. I wish it came easier. But, we came into this with our own deep emotional issues and more than enough baggage. It’s taken all this time to even land in neutral; to not be fired up with every discussion or chaotic incident which had befallen us. Now, I feel a sense of hope, of renewal, of strength. I also feel a sense of purpose, of acceptance, and even of love.

At this stage in life/marriage, many people choose to go their separate ways. I think that this has taught me that it is also possible to regroup and come together again in a better, more solid way. I wasn’t used to the nuances. Remember, either ‘in’ or ‘out.’

I don’t think that I’ll think as much about my marriage this Memorial Day. This is a testament to our recently reaffirmed bond and commitment. However, I do think I will, as I always do, memorialize the day and the year. Happy Anniversary, dear.

I’m Gonna Get Away - by Cara

May 28, 2010. Memorial Day Weekend. My fifteenth wedding anniversary. And I’m going away.

This used to be the most exciting day and weekend of my life! For years after I got married, I would chidingly say to my husband, “Let’s get married this weekend!” even though we already were.

I woke up from a sound sleep at 2 am a couple months ago, and I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t bear to be in my home, sobbing and grieving over the loss of my marriage on that weekend. Even the thought of seeing my husband, however brief, had me already crying. So I picked up my laptop and started investigating package deals.

I knew where I wanted to go. I knew EXACTLY where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas! I had been there for the day, a couple times before, when cruises I took made a stop in the Bahamas for the day.

I instantly loved the Atlantis! It is big enough to be anonymous, yet small enough to easily get to know your way around. There are so many things to do, from swimming with dolphins to relaxing under a palm tree to rock climbing! I plan to seek out how many kid friendly things there are to do there because I’d like to take my son there the week before school starts! He had been there once and loved it so much that when he saw a commercial for it he asked, “Mommy? Didn’t we go there?” I told him that we did and he replied, “I knew it!! Let’s go again!!” I didn’t promise him we would go, but I am going to get as much information as I can for possibly a short stay at the end of the summer. He is so enamored with the Atlantis, that he wants a couple Lego sets based on this Resort. I bought him two Atlantis Lego sets. I will be giving him one before I leave. The other will be a “present” for when I return, 4 days later.

When I told my husband that I would be going away, he had an odd reaction of relief and joy. Relief because I suppose he won’t have to acknowledge the uncomfortableness of the weekend. And joy because he has dozens of activities already planned for him to do with our son.

I will be bringing my laptop to Skype with my son each day. I am also bringing a book called, “The Happiness Project,” which has gotten very good reviews. I think it’s time I embark on my own Happiness Project. And even if all I do is sit under a palm tree, reading this book, I will be content.

Being completely off of the continent will bring a nice respite for the tremendous stress I have been going through, each and every day. It will be nice to clear my head among such beautiful surroundings. And with a little hope, I will be enjoying myself so much that I will completely forget that it is Memorial Day weekend. And even more importantly, forget about a certain date. May 28, 2010.

Marital Milestone

Boy does time fly!

Marc & I will be married 15 years this week. I look at wedding photos of us (which I don't often do) and can see the youth there. I was 30 when we met, and we tied the knot two years later. I remember it well.

So much has changed since that memorable, sunny day, full of love, friends, family, and shared dreams. I lost my mom, and he lost his dad. Neither lived to see us become parents, though my mother knew we were undergoing fertility treatment at the time she became seriously ill. Looking back, it's no huge surprise that the IVF failed twice, given all the stress I was under visiting her in the hospital.

I look at photos of Marc & I now, and I can see how time and life ages you. Not that I'm an old geezer.....but 47 is a far cry from 32. There are more facial lines, gray strands, back stiffness.....etc. But, I am grateful for my overall health, and for Marc's as well. And to have Seth in our lives.

So, tonight we will celebrate. We hired a sitter for Seth, and we're dining in an elegant NYC five star restaurant, Jean Georges. To go for the gusto, we also hired a sitter for next Saturday, and are eating in another chic Manhattan spot, Bouley. We're celebrating twice because.... why not? (Also....truth be told....we couldn't decide which restaurant we preferred and so seldom really splurge. We've become Seven Seas Diner regulars with Seth.)

You only live once, so we're going for it! Here's to another 15 years!!