Interfaith Holiday Mayhem - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

It is November 30th. The stores have had holiday decorations up since the beginning of November. Greeting cards for the holidays have been out for roughly the same amount of time. Even holiday music has been playing on the radio for the past couple weeks. Worst of all, my son has been making up his gift lists for both Hanukkah and Christmas.

We are raising our son in the Jewish faith, so we celebrate Hanukkah. Since I am not Jewish, we also put up a “Christmas” tree purely to celebrate my holiday traditions. There has never been any religious affiliations with our tree discussed in our home. I never even mentioned Santa. When my son was young though, he picked up on the notion of Santa and the bringing of gifts very early on. 

We obliged his fantasy when he was younger. I thought that because we live in a predominantly Jewish community, his fantasy of Santa would fade at an early age. No such luck. My son is still steadfast in his belief of Santa. His belief is adamant to the point that some children in his school vehemently told him that he was not Jewish because not only did he still believe in Santa, but that I was not Jewish, therefore he was definitely not Jewish (by definition, some Jewish communities believe that the child MUST be born to a Jewish mother to be considered completely Jewish. We belong to a Reform Temple that states that if one parent is Jewish, then the child is considered Jewish.) 

My son came to me saddened and confused the other day. We had a VERY long discussion about this tender issue. I first had to explain to him that regardless what others thought about him being Jewish, our Temple recognizes him as Jewish, therefore he WAS Jewish. You could see his whole body relax from that explanation. I subtlety also addressed the fact that he was a better person than the children who were judging him and making him feel bad about himself. My son is quite aware that we do not judge anyone else based on what they look like, believe in, or practice. My sister-in-law is from India, so we have discussed tolerance of other cultures and beliefs from a very early age.

I explained further that although I was not born Jewish, I still embrace Judaism through taking courses at our Temple and trying to learn Hebrew. I even have my son participate in Shabbat services at sundown on Friday nights and will be taking him to Shabbat services throughout the year (Shabbat is a Jewish practice through prayer and a meal, performed at sundown, and carried through as a “day of rest” all day Saturday until one hour past sundown, Saturday night).

As for our “tree,” I explained that I grew up with holiday traditions that are not embraced by Judaism, however it brings back warm, special memories for me seeing a sparkling tree decorated with a slew of my mother’s handmade ornaments. My heart swells every year when I decorate that tree since my mother died when I was only 19 years old.

About Santa...I felt as if I had to almost dig out the Polar Express DVD we have. I had been hoping that my son would have given up the notion of Santa way before now. My son, however, insists that Santa still exists. Knowing his personality, he probably wants to “prove” to his naysayer peers that they are wrong. Whatever the case, my son still “believes.” He still has his list for Santa as well as his list for Hanukkah (lucky kid, I often tell him!), with his lists getting longer and consequently more expensive. I think that when Santa does not deliver the $400 Lego set my son is craving, the reality of Santa may finally be over. We will see. Since I don’t know what small items my son wants for Hanukkah, and he knows we buy him those gifts, he has been pointing out some Nintendo games that he would like and some inexpensive action figures he is desiring. 

Interfaith holidays...so complex and confusing to children. Yet giving up my “holiday tree” would take away so much pleasure for me. I embrace our multiple Menorahs we light up every year. I also have Hanukkah decorations that fill our home. I even have been collecting dreidels (spinning tops used in a traditional Jewish game played during Hanukkah) for my son, every year since he has been born. I write a heartfelt message on the boxes and date them so that he will have a collection of them, from me, once he is older. They are made out of all types of material: clay, metal, glass, wood. His first one is made from bone china. Yet the complexity remains.

I wonder if my son will be asking me next year, “Mommy? Is there really a Santa Claus?”

Potty Training: Part II - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I should have known better. I should have listened more attentively. I am the kind of mother who pays attention to her child’s burgeoning milestones. But somehow, I missed the cues on this one.

When my son was 11 months old, he wanted to “walk” down the stairs face forward. I let him. I held on to his hands as he dragged one foot after the other down the flight of stairs. And then he would crawl to the top and we would start all over again. Everyone fought me, allowing my 11 month old, who wasn’t even walking yet, walk down the stairs face forward. “Teach him to crawl down backwards,” I heard. “You’re making a big mistake letting him do that,” was another comment (I defer to our Blogger, Laura Houston’s blog from last week here). Still, I held my head up high and said plainly, “He sees all of us walking down the stairs face forward, he is going to learn to do it eventually anyway, so why not teach him the proper way now and allow him to practice while supervised?” Still, I got horrified looks and comments.

At age 2, my son wanted to learn to cut using real, adult scissors. Not the blunt tip, children’s type. Real, sharp, adult scissors. He was relentless. We had them locked in a top drawer in our kitchen and my son would hang on the drawer, cry and tantrum, aching to use those scissors himself. One day, I couldn’t take it any more. I thought, “You want to learn to cut using real scissors, go ahead, let’s cut.” We sat on the floor for almost an hour with my son perfecting the cutting  of tape off a spool. Once all of the tape was used up, I explained that there was no more, but when I was able to get more, we would practice again. My son has never had a scissor injury, and every nursery school teacher had commented that they never saw a child my son’s age cut paper for crafts so well.

By age 3, my son was done with the toddler climbing apparatus at the park. He was ready to master the apparatus for ages 5 and up. I let him go. Again, I had horrified looks from parents. One mother could see my son’s Pull-Up sticking out above his pants and actually said, “Children who still wear diapers should not be playing on this equipment!” I asked her to show me where that “rule” was written anywhere in the park facility. She turned her back on me. My son mastered the “older children” apparatus. And when he was unsure of himself, he always knew to ask me to help him off. But in general, I let him test his wings to his heart’s content. And to this day, other than bruises, he has never injured himself doing any of the things he knew he was capable of doing. He even jumped off our local pool diving board at age 3 with my husband assisting him to the side of the pool. Today, at age 7, he does aerial flips off that same diving board and swims to the side himself. The lifeguards cringe. I stand next to them and reassure them that my son knows exactly what he is doing.

Finally, when it came to potty training between 2 - 3 years old, my son resisted with a vengeance. After getting into so many exhausting battles, I gave up and thought, “Fine.You want to take Pull-Ups in your backpack to Kindergarten and change them yourself, be my guest.” I literally gave up. My son was not ready to make this monumental change yet. I backed off and went my merry way.

One day, my son’s nursery school teacher pulled me aside on a Friday afternoon, when I went to pick my son up from nursery school. She said that he told her that he wanted to wear the Spider man underwear like the other boys. He was a little more than 3  and 1/2 at the time. So his teacher and I devised a plan that I would take him to buy Spider man underwear over the weekend, make a huge deal about wearing the underwear to school on Monday instead of Pull-Ups, and I would pack several changes of clothes and shoes should he have accidents during the day.

My son had one accident that first day, and never had another after that. He knew he was ready. He knew it was time to “graduate” to “big boy underwear.” By letting him take the lead, he was hugely successful! And it was all because I let him determine when he thought the time was right!

So, I was rather taken aback when my son, who has been wearing Huggies Goodnights to bed since he was 4, all of a sudden said to me that he didn’t want to wear them anymore. They were always fully saturated every morning. And my son is a very sound sleeper. There is no waking him in the middle of the night to take him to the bathroom. But I wanted to respect my son’s request even though the “evidence” proved otherwise.

I put a water absorbing liner on top of his sheet and explained that we would use it “just in case” of an accident. We also restricted his fluid intake 2 hours before he went to sleep. He also had to empty his bladder when we saw he was getting sleepy. And we sent him off to bed that first night with me thinking, “This is not going to work. He’s too sound a sleeper.”

My son did have an “accident” that first night. However he went 2 weeks straight after that night not wetting his bed at all!! He knew he could do it! He knew he was capable! Yet, to my surprise, after all of these years, I failed to see the cues and be more in touch with my son and his own understanding of meeting his own needs and milestones!

This past weekend marked 2 straight weeks of no accidents! I gave my son a “Medal” of accomplishment and I asked him to help me take the liner off the top of his bed! He was ecstatic! He graduated to “Big Boy” status!! Yet, unlike the times I knew he could accomplish certain risky things, this time I wasn’t so certain that my son would be as successful in this situation. But I did honor his request to try. And now I am as unsure as to who is more proud, my son or me!

I’ve always been highly in tune with my son. But I think that, of late, my own life events and personal issues have overridden being more in touch with my son and his emerging needs and fulfillments as he grows. I never want to lose that innate understanding of my son. And I always want us to have strong bonds through communication and nonverbal actions.

This was a huge wake-up call for me. One that I am taking quite seriously.

We started putting a Lego set together over the weekend but never finished it. I think tonight, it will be successfully completed!

I’m Gonna Get Away - by Cara

May 28, 2010. Memorial Day Weekend. My fifteenth wedding anniversary. And I’m going away.

This used to be the most exciting day and weekend of my life! For years after I got married, I would chidingly say to my husband, “Let’s get married this weekend!” even though we already were.

I woke up from a sound sleep at 2 am a couple months ago, and I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t bear to be in my home, sobbing and grieving over the loss of my marriage on that weekend. Even the thought of seeing my husband, however brief, had me already crying. So I picked up my laptop and started investigating package deals.

I knew where I wanted to go. I knew EXACTLY where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas! I had been there for the day, a couple times before, when cruises I took made a stop in the Bahamas for the day.

I instantly loved the Atlantis! It is big enough to be anonymous, yet small enough to easily get to know your way around. There are so many things to do, from swimming with dolphins to relaxing under a palm tree to rock climbing! I plan to seek out how many kid friendly things there are to do there because I’d like to take my son there the week before school starts! He had been there once and loved it so much that when he saw a commercial for it he asked, “Mommy? Didn’t we go there?” I told him that we did and he replied, “I knew it!! Let’s go again!!” I didn’t promise him we would go, but I am going to get as much information as I can for possibly a short stay at the end of the summer. He is so enamored with the Atlantis, that he wants a couple Lego sets based on this Resort. I bought him two Atlantis Lego sets. I will be giving him one before I leave. The other will be a “present” for when I return, 4 days later.

When I told my husband that I would be going away, he had an odd reaction of relief and joy. Relief because I suppose he won’t have to acknowledge the uncomfortableness of the weekend. And joy because he has dozens of activities already planned for him to do with our son.

I will be bringing my laptop to Skype with my son each day. I am also bringing a book called, “The Happiness Project,” which has gotten very good reviews. I think it’s time I embark on my own Happiness Project. And even if all I do is sit under a palm tree, reading this book, I will be content.

Being completely off of the continent will bring a nice respite for the tremendous stress I have been going through, each and every day. It will be nice to clear my head among such beautiful surroundings. And with a little hope, I will be enjoying myself so much that I will completely forget that it is Memorial Day weekend. And even more importantly, forget about a certain date. May 28, 2010.

Loving Without Regret -- by Cara

I read Robin’s article about happiness on Friday. She truly loves her son, and it most certainly comes across in her blogs. I know she has exasperating days; we all do as parents. But Robin doesn’t give up. She lives in the moment and tries to find a silver lining in even the most trying of situations with her child.

I aspire to be more like Robin with my son. He’s tough. He can easily give you a run for your money and you usually have to be two thought processes ahead because he’ll stop you in your tracks, speechless, with some of the things he says. He is not rude or obnoxious in any way. He’ll just catch you off guard when you least expect it. For example, if I ask him to clean up his toys and he doesn’t want to, I will give him a consequence to ponder. I will inform him that if he will not pick up the toys, I will give them away to other children who need toys. His comeback, “Okay. You can take that game over there. I don’t play with that anymore either.” See what I mean? He’s tough and he’s smart.

I sometimes run through a lot of days like this with him. Sometimes a whole week of moody, irritable behavior. And I admit, I say to myself, is it really worth it having a child? Yes, I marvel at how adept he is at putting together a complex Lego set. Or melt when I see how gentle and empathetic he is with all types of animals. But those trying days, especially several in a row, do make me question my decision to have had a child.

I decided to blog on this topic because another Mom, on a different website, posed the same question: “If you had a second chance, knowing what you know now, would you still have children?” I must say, that’s a bold and gutsy question to ask a group of other Moms! But this group of Moms can take questions such as this and not be overly judgmental about them.

The answers were shockingly honest, but the consensus was that although this group of Moms want to sell their own children sometimes (this IS a bold and gutsy group!), they do not regret being parents at all!

So I asked myself the same question: If I were able to do it over, knowing what I know now, would I still have wanted to conceive? And the answer is without a doubt, YES! I would hate to get to age 80, childless, and be left with “what if” floating over my head. I want the experience of being a parent. And it is an experience that changes and matures you like no other experience ever could or will.

Yes, I wish my son were not so antagonistic or whiny or moody. But he is who he is. And I accept that. He is still young at 6, and is just at the point in his life where he is testing limits and boundaries and new dance moves! He is learning what acceptable versus unacceptable language is, no matter where he hears it from. He is learning tolerance and at least a little more patience. He is bursting with newness every single moment!

So as a 40+ Mom, do I get tired? Yes. Exasperated? Yes. Even too worn out to properly discipline? Unfortunately yes to that too, sometimes. But do I regret being a Mom and watching my son grow and evolve? Not a single chance! A little extra sleep and a few extra cuddles definitely helps makes it ALL worthwhile!