Information Gathering...by Liimu

To some, it may look like I'm not doing anything. And in a certain sense, they'd be right. I'm not enduring punishing workouts in the gym. I'm not counting every calorie that goes in my mouth. I'm not weighing and measuring my food. I'm not eliminating sugar, carbs or fat from my diet.

I'm focused on intuitive eating and so most of what's happening is in my own mind. I'm focusing on eating what my body wants, when it wants it, honoring its cues of when I'm hungry and perhaps even more challenging, when it is full. (Still working on that one, if I'm being honest.) I'm finding new ways to exercise, including dancing with my kids, like last night, long walks in the park, Zumba, kickboxing and spinning. I still love running, so I signed up for Broad Street - I consider myself one of the lucky ones as it sold out in a record-breaking five hours this year - but I'm totally open to walk/running it rather than feeling like I'm a failure if I don't run or jog every step.

What's perhaps even more important about this phase of my journey is that I'm gathering tons of information and processing it all, applying it when it feels pertinent. I went back to my holistic doctor, Dr. Michael Cheiken, and he ordered labwork to test for every imaginable vitamin deficiency or metabolic disorder. Twenty-three vials of blood in all. I've been finding incredibly interesting articles and eBooks on the internet, and I've talked to tons of people who have made this journey and been successful at achieving and maintaining their ideal weight through intuitive eating. Here are some of the things that seem to be important recurring themes, across all my conversations and reading:

1. Stress is a huge obstacle in weight loss and being generally healthy, so I mostly need to just CHILL OUT and trust the process

2. Statistically, it is a proven fact that dieting has a 98% failure rate and if it were a medical practice, it would be banned. It continues to thrive essentially due to the 68 billion dollar industry that profits as a result of its continuation.

3. There are real obstacles at play, related to my age and having just recently had a baby, but most of them are in my own head.

4. I will likely be successful in my efforts but it could take awhile for me to achieve my ideal weight and even longer for my head to really be healed from all the years of yo-yo dieting.

I have to say that learning all these things, hearing them from people I respect and admire (and people who aren't afraid to tell me things I might not want to hear) had a surprising effect on me. In my heart, I felt relieved and happy, much the way I felt when I was told I would need to abstain from a drink one day at a time for the rest of my life. It's not an easy path, but it feels a whole lot easier than the one I was on.

I will continue to share with you guys my progress. I am loving this life I've been blessed with and am so excited for the newest leg of the journey.

When Your World is Tumbling Down Around You, Binging Doesn't Help...by Liimu

This was one of the most stressful weeks I can remember in a long time. At one point, I actually wasn't sure if I was going to throw up or cry, but I felt like something was definitely going to burst.

Here are a few of the things that happened to put my already overfull plate into a sloppy, too may trips to the buffet, food everywhere including on the floor, the seat and all over my outfit mess:

1. One of my clients informed me on Tuesday that a training program I was supposed to develop by the end of February needed to rollout the following week. This would result in days that started as early as 7 am and ended well past 11.

2. The Achilles injury I suffered when in Jamaica had developed into full-blown tendonitis, which meant that I would have to take a break from one of my favorite stress-relievers, rigorous exercise.

3. My mother-in-law went into the hospital, followed soon after by my sister-in-law (they are both out now and doing much better, thanks for asking).

4. And to top it all off, I had my period.


By Monday, I knew I needed to get my butt to the therapist, and pronto. I sat in the chair, just crying and crying (part of me felt good just to have an opportunity to cry, something I try not to do in front of my kids or clients...not always successfully). Once the tears slowed, she explained that I was just over my limit. Once I found a way to bring the stress down slightly and take care of myself a little bit (a manicure, a massage, etc.), I would feel much better. Then she asked me the question I knew was coming:

"How has your food been?" and that's when it occurred to me:

My food had been great.

Despite all the stress, I had eaten really well, and had naturally gravitated toward healthy food and reasonable portions. I had continued to juice green vegetables every day and had continued to bring my own food when faced with situations where the food choices might not have been good for me.

She and I were both amazed. I have been on this journey toward intuitive eating for nearly 6 years - starting off in full blown eating disorder, binging and body dysmorphic, and then going through a series of phases of eliminating sugar, dieting and exercising to the extreme, and finally breaking free of diets all together.

The book, Intuitive Eating, talks about the five stages of becoming an intuitive eater:

1. Hitting diet bottom, when you can no longer diet but you don't know what else to do. I've talked about being in that frame of mind. It's maddening, because you actually often gain weight during this phase, which makes it that much harder to keep from dieting. You have to resist the temptation, though, because dieting will only forestall the inevitable.
2. Exploration - conscious learning and pursuit of pleasure, where you get reacquainted with hunger cues and what's pleasurable and what your body needs. The authors of Intuitive Eating talk about the fact that just like when you are driving a car for the first time, you don't berate yourself for getting lost sometimes, it's important to be patient as you find your way with intuitive eating. Again, because of trying some things that don't necessarily work so well, the weight tends to stay the same or even go up a bit during this phase. (That was my experience.)
3. Crystallization, where you finally start to experience the new behavior from stage 2 begin to take hold and become natural. You begin to trust yourself and your body's signals. Some weight loss happens during this phase or you at least begin to maintain, rather than gain. You continue to make peace with food and honor your hunger most of the time. From Intuitive Eating, "...more important than weight loss at this stage, is the sense of well-being and empowerment that begins to take place. You won't feel helpless and hopeless anymore." This is the phase I'm in now. It's a much better place to be than anywhere I've ever been before, and I'm excited about where I'm going from here.
4. The Intuitive Eater Awakens, where all the work you've been doing up to this point culminates in a permanent, comfortable intuitive eating style. You opt for healthier lighter foods because it feels better to do so, not because you think you should. The desire to have fatty foods just because you can diminishes. Negative self-talk will come to an end. Weight loss becomes more evident and you're well on your way to your natural weight.
5. The Final Stage - Treasure the Pleasure, is where you have fully reclaimed the intuitive eater within you. You trust and honor your body's natural cues related to hunger and fullness. You feel no guilt about food choices or quantities. Your relationship with food is healthy and you can "treasure the pleasure" eating gives you. Exercise is no longer a burden, but a way to feel better, physically and emotionally. During this stage, your weight naturally decreases to a place that is comfortable and appropriate for your height and body frame. You ca easily maintain it with no effort and without the emotional ups and downs that go with dieting and binging.

I have to say that for me, being in stages 1 and 2 without having read the book was extremely off-putting and scary. I couldn't understand why I kept gaining weight (or just wasn't losing) and wanted so desperately to try just one more diet. I am SO glad I resisted the temptation. I have never experienced this type of relationship with food (or if I have, it was so long ago, I can't remember). My relationship with food now is:

1. Food no longer has a hold on me.
2. I am intuitively eating food that's good for me and tastes good.
3. I don't have to have any shame or guilt (or shoulds) about my food choices
4. I don't feel guilty for missing a workout
5. I look forward to working out
6. There are no bad foods

And I'm just a regular person - not Jillian Michaels or Dr. Ian Smith. I'm just a regular, 40-something mom of 4 who got tired of the messages from the media (and my own head) telling me I'm not good enough just the way I am, that I need to lose 10, 20, 50 or more pounds in order to be okay. That if I eat this diet food or do that workout I'll be okay. That if I can just exhibit a little willpower, I'll be okay.
I'm okay right now, thank you very much. And getting better all the time.

Intuitive Eating Isn't a Diet...by Liimu

As many of you know, I made the decision late last year to chronicle my journey back to my pre-pregnancy weight here on this blog. At the same time, I realized that I was completely fed up with diets and punishing exercise and I began to get immersed in the world of Intuitive Eating, including reading Geneen Roth and others. What was frustrating is that rather than settling on my ideal weight, as the books and articles promised would eventually happen, I watched the scale go up and up. I was already 50 pounds over what I consider to be my ideal weight, so this was totally not sitting well with me.

I combed the internet to see if I was doing something wrong. Every fiber of my being screamed out for me to go on a diet and yet, the truth is I'm done with dieting. I just am. I sort of wish I weren't, but I totally am. So, I prayed. I prayed for the answer because I was sick and tired of being at that jumping off point of being ready to let go of my old way of doing things but not knowing yet how to do things the new way.

And then the answer came to me like a smack in the forehead:

Intuitive eating isn't a diet...

...but it's not NOT a diet.

The wikipedia definition of a diet (the noun, that is, not the verb), is "the sum of the food consumed by an organism or group." That doesn't say anything about restricting or starving or controlling. In fact, it's only when diet is used as a verb that even any mention is made of how dieting relates to weight loss.

I realized that what I had been doing was still just sort of eating whatever I wanted. Intuitive eating for maintenance, I guess, when what I want is to lose weight. I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit it. I. Want. To. Lose. Weight. So, I need to adjust my diet so that it supports that goal. Simple as that.

So for the past week, that's what I've been doing and by gum, I think it's working. I can tell you, it's working inside my head. I'm no longer worried about whether or not I'm doing this right. I just wake up every morning and pray for the willingness to do it right. Because I know what to do, I just need to do it.

What if... by Liimu

Last week, after my anticlimactic weigh in, I called a friend to vent my frustration.

What if this doesn't work?

What if intuitive eating will leave me fat?

What if I'm intuitively eating too much?

What if I'm wasting valuable dieting time?

What if I'm too old to lose weight intuitively?

She gave me a simple solution: "What if you said "what if" in a way that would serve you?"

What if it does work?

What if intuitive eating will get you to your ideal weight and keep you there?

What if you're intuitively eating just the right amount for your body?

What if you never have to diet again?

What if this whole process will leave you feeling and looking younger than ever?

What if the only things you have to eliminate from your life are the thoughts that don't serve you?

What if, indeed.

Week 5, Trust the Process by Liimu

So, this was an interesting week. Last Thursday, I snuck a peek at the scale and was PISSED to see that I was up from where I was the previous week. I started to chalk it up to a visit from Aunt Flow, but then realized that her visit was more than a week off yet. Dammit. Must just be that yet again, this whole process isn’t working. Why isn’t it working??

Now, in the past what I have done is say f*** it and hit the cupboards for anything salty or chocolate-y I can find. Well, I am happy to report that this week I took a very different approach and decided to at least eliminate the human error component of what might not be working about my plan. I tightened up my food even more and hit the gym even harder. I went through the whole weekend taking special care to watch my sodium intake and up my water to 5 liters from four, just in case I was somehow holding onto water thanks to the occasional pretzel knot I’d been enjoying along with my kids.

My weight didn’t drop much – I was still up .8 by my official weigh in day, but what did surprise me was that good old Aunt Flow showed her ugly face five days early! It was PMS, after all! Good thing I didn’t throw in the towel. In fact, if I look back on the past six months, that pattern is exactly why I still have 40 pounds of baby weight to lose. I would have an expectation of what I wanted the scale to do (an occurrence over which I have absolutely no control) and then when that expectation wasn’t met, I would get frustrated, lose faith in the process and sabotage all my efforts. There’s a saying in recovery that “an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.”
So, just for this week, I have had a small triumph in that I pushed through the discomfort and frustration and stayed the course. I hope to have a victory as a reward for my efforts when I step on the scale next week. Either way, at least I have learned that when my body is acting like something strange is happening (like a hormonal shift due to the onset of my period), it probably is.

BodyMedia FIT update: I’m still enjoying the BodyMedia FIT band a lot. I wish it were thinner, as I feel a little self-conscious wearing it all the time, but fortunately I can leave it off if I need to (like when I have a meeting to attend) and then manually enter any exercise information, if necessary. They’ve recently released a new product called the BodyMedia CORE, which is a lot thinner. Lucky you all who get to purchase that one! It’s really my only complaint right now, and given the fact that I’m used to wearing my iPhone on my arm while running to track my distance, it’s a pretty minor complaint, at that. I did hit some personal bests this week. On October 16 (my long run day), I :

- burned 3840 calories
- took over 22,000 steps
- was active for nearly 2.5 hours

Coincidentally, that’s also the day I got the most sleep. Tee hee! I like having these notifications, because it motivates me to compete in what I think is the most healthy way possible: against myself.

More next week – don’t miss it!