Becoming Right Sized...by Liimu

Well, my baby is turning one in exactly one week and I have lost a total of three pounds since I came home from the hospital. Three pounds! Well, that's not exactly true. I've lost and gained the same ten pounds at least twice. Which is why I've been working very hard to re-learn how to eat intuitively. I've apparently come to the end of the line as far as diets are concerned. They simply no longer work for me.

I actually grieved this fact in my therapist's office this week. Cried big, fat alligator tears over the fact that I had to mourn the loss of the illusion of control. That's what I held on to all those years I tried the latest and greatest fad diet - the grapefruit diet, the 9-day diet, the Scarsdale diet, SlimFast, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Body for Life, you name it...I've tried it. Don't get me wrong. They all worked - temporarily. But the problem is that none of them taught me what I really needed to know, which is how to learn to trust my body and feed it when, what and how much it actually needs. What I'm learning now is that it's not about being in control, it's about being in charge. (Thank you, Michelle May.) There's a huge difference between the two, no pun intended.

So, I've been trying to relearn all over again how to trust my body's hunger and satiety cues the way I did when I was, oh, I don't know...seven? I've been doing a lot of reading, which seems to be helping, albeit slowly. I've read Naturally Thin, by Bethenny Frankel, Women, Food and God, by Geneen Roth, Intuitive Eating, by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, and most recently, Eat What You Love, Love What you Eat, by Michelle May. They all have been extemely helpful and enlightening and slowly but surely, I feel like the diet fog is lifting. For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually hearing the voice in my head that's talking crazy to me all the time, telling me I need to eat twice as much as I need or that chocolate will solve all my problems. For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually waiting to eat until I'm hungry and paying attention while I do it, rather than reading a book. Because of that, I'm able to tell when I'm full and I don't mind stopping.

Unlike all those wonderful women, however, it hasn't yet led me to some miraculous weight loss, I'm not going to lie. Because of this, I have been tempted time and time again to fall back on a diet - maybe one of the really good ones, I tell myself, like Weight Watchers or Body for Life. Or, maybe I'll just count calories. Up till now, I have resisted the urge. It feels like I was on this roller coaster ride for years that was way more scary than fun and I finally got off. And even though I can look at the people at the top of the hill and hear their screams and tell myself it's thrilling, I know if it were me, it would just be screaming. I can't do it anymore. It was making me sick. It was making me unhappy. And the truth is, I'd rather be fat, sane and happy than thin, crazy and miserable.

So just for today, I'm a little thick around the middle. I still have beautiful hair, great cheekbones and sexy legs (even if they are supersized at the moment). But on any given day, I am making wonderfully healthy choices for my body - like juicing green vegetables, beets and carrots every day, roasting cauliflower and cabbage and eating that for lunch and dinner, using my crockpot to make yummy soups, and adding new foods like ezekiel bread and avocado to my diet on a regular basis. So, whatever size I end up becoming is just going to have to be good enough. I'd love if it were a size 10, but we'll just have to wait and see.

A Fond Farewell...by Liimu

No, I'm not done blogging and my weight loss journey is certainly still ongoing. I'm not going anywhere any time soon. So, what am I saying "Farewell" to? To dieting and all my diet paraphernalia. I deleted all my apps, tossed all my magazines, even cancelled my "Biggest Loser" season pass.

Part of becoming an intuitive eater is letting go of the diet mentality. It's funny, because there's a saying in recovery that in order to successfully achieve sobriety, you have to let go of any reservation in your mind that you might one day successfully drink again. Similarly, successfully becoming an intuitive eater means letting go of any reservation that you might one day successfully diet again. Fortunately for me, I have experience with doing this in sobriety and know firsthand that adopting this mentality of full surrender really does work and leads to success. So now, I just have to apply this to intuitive eating.

For the first few months, I did harbor a reservation - I felt like if this "intuitive eating thing" didn't work out, I could always hop on a diet and lose the weight real quick. That has changed. This "intuitive eating thing" is now the only thing. It's more important to me, even, than the weight loss, which I now see as a likely by product of successfully becoming an intuitive eater. I look forward to that happening, but am even more thrilled to be freed from the bondage of the dieting/binging cycle. For example, this week I learned how to sense my own fullness during a meal and how to stop before I hit fullness - that is, to stop eating once I was no longer hungry. CRAZY, man. I can't even tell you how long it's been since I've done that at one MEAL (unless the food was gross) let alone, an entire week of eating.

When I stopped smoking, one of the tricks I used to stay stopped was to identify myself as a "nonsmoker" as much as possible. So, here I am now, becoming a new person once again - an intuitive eater who simply doesn't diet.

Post a comment if you want more information on intuitive eating. I'd be happy to help you begin your journey!

When Your World is Tumbling Down Around You, Binging Doesn't Help...by Liimu

This was one of the most stressful weeks I can remember in a long time. At one point, I actually wasn't sure if I was going to throw up or cry, but I felt like something was definitely going to burst.

Here are a few of the things that happened to put my already overfull plate into a sloppy, too may trips to the buffet, food everywhere including on the floor, the seat and all over my outfit mess:

1. One of my clients informed me on Tuesday that a training program I was supposed to develop by the end of February needed to rollout the following week. This would result in days that started as early as 7 am and ended well past 11.

2. The Achilles injury I suffered when in Jamaica had developed into full-blown tendonitis, which meant that I would have to take a break from one of my favorite stress-relievers, rigorous exercise.

3. My mother-in-law went into the hospital, followed soon after by my sister-in-law (they are both out now and doing much better, thanks for asking).

4. And to top it all off, I had my period.


By Monday, I knew I needed to get my butt to the therapist, and pronto. I sat in the chair, just crying and crying (part of me felt good just to have an opportunity to cry, something I try not to do in front of my kids or clients...not always successfully). Once the tears slowed, she explained that I was just over my limit. Once I found a way to bring the stress down slightly and take care of myself a little bit (a manicure, a massage, etc.), I would feel much better. Then she asked me the question I knew was coming:

"How has your food been?" and that's when it occurred to me:

My food had been great.

Despite all the stress, I had eaten really well, and had naturally gravitated toward healthy food and reasonable portions. I had continued to juice green vegetables every day and had continued to bring my own food when faced with situations where the food choices might not have been good for me.

She and I were both amazed. I have been on this journey toward intuitive eating for nearly 6 years - starting off in full blown eating disorder, binging and body dysmorphic, and then going through a series of phases of eliminating sugar, dieting and exercising to the extreme, and finally breaking free of diets all together.

The book, Intuitive Eating, talks about the five stages of becoming an intuitive eater:

1. Hitting diet bottom, when you can no longer diet but you don't know what else to do. I've talked about being in that frame of mind. It's maddening, because you actually often gain weight during this phase, which makes it that much harder to keep from dieting. You have to resist the temptation, though, because dieting will only forestall the inevitable.
2. Exploration - conscious learning and pursuit of pleasure, where you get reacquainted with hunger cues and what's pleasurable and what your body needs. The authors of Intuitive Eating talk about the fact that just like when you are driving a car for the first time, you don't berate yourself for getting lost sometimes, it's important to be patient as you find your way with intuitive eating. Again, because of trying some things that don't necessarily work so well, the weight tends to stay the same or even go up a bit during this phase. (That was my experience.)
3. Crystallization, where you finally start to experience the new behavior from stage 2 begin to take hold and become natural. You begin to trust yourself and your body's signals. Some weight loss happens during this phase or you at least begin to maintain, rather than gain. You continue to make peace with food and honor your hunger most of the time. From Intuitive Eating, "...more important than weight loss at this stage, is the sense of well-being and empowerment that begins to take place. You won't feel helpless and hopeless anymore." This is the phase I'm in now. It's a much better place to be than anywhere I've ever been before, and I'm excited about where I'm going from here.
4. The Intuitive Eater Awakens, where all the work you've been doing up to this point culminates in a permanent, comfortable intuitive eating style. You opt for healthier lighter foods because it feels better to do so, not because you think you should. The desire to have fatty foods just because you can diminishes. Negative self-talk will come to an end. Weight loss becomes more evident and you're well on your way to your natural weight.
5. The Final Stage - Treasure the Pleasure, is where you have fully reclaimed the intuitive eater within you. You trust and honor your body's natural cues related to hunger and fullness. You feel no guilt about food choices or quantities. Your relationship with food is healthy and you can "treasure the pleasure" eating gives you. Exercise is no longer a burden, but a way to feel better, physically and emotionally. During this stage, your weight naturally decreases to a place that is comfortable and appropriate for your height and body frame. You ca easily maintain it with no effort and without the emotional ups and downs that go with dieting and binging.

I have to say that for me, being in stages 1 and 2 without having read the book was extremely off-putting and scary. I couldn't understand why I kept gaining weight (or just wasn't losing) and wanted so desperately to try just one more diet. I am SO glad I resisted the temptation. I have never experienced this type of relationship with food (or if I have, it was so long ago, I can't remember). My relationship with food now is:

1. Food no longer has a hold on me.
2. I am intuitively eating food that's good for me and tastes good.
3. I don't have to have any shame or guilt (or shoulds) about my food choices
4. I don't feel guilty for missing a workout
5. I look forward to working out
6. There are no bad foods

And I'm just a regular person - not Jillian Michaels or Dr. Ian Smith. I'm just a regular, 40-something mom of 4 who got tired of the messages from the media (and my own head) telling me I'm not good enough just the way I am, that I need to lose 10, 20, 50 or more pounds in order to be okay. That if I eat this diet food or do that workout I'll be okay. That if I can just exhibit a little willpower, I'll be okay.
I'm okay right now, thank you very much. And getting better all the time.

Intuitive Eating Isn't a Diet...by Liimu

As many of you know, I made the decision late last year to chronicle my journey back to my pre-pregnancy weight here on this blog. At the same time, I realized that I was completely fed up with diets and punishing exercise and I began to get immersed in the world of Intuitive Eating, including reading Geneen Roth and others. What was frustrating is that rather than settling on my ideal weight, as the books and articles promised would eventually happen, I watched the scale go up and up. I was already 50 pounds over what I consider to be my ideal weight, so this was totally not sitting well with me.

I combed the internet to see if I was doing something wrong. Every fiber of my being screamed out for me to go on a diet and yet, the truth is I'm done with dieting. I just am. I sort of wish I weren't, but I totally am. So, I prayed. I prayed for the answer because I was sick and tired of being at that jumping off point of being ready to let go of my old way of doing things but not knowing yet how to do things the new way.

And then the answer came to me like a smack in the forehead:

Intuitive eating isn't a diet...

...but it's not NOT a diet.

The wikipedia definition of a diet (the noun, that is, not the verb), is "the sum of the food consumed by an organism or group." That doesn't say anything about restricting or starving or controlling. In fact, it's only when diet is used as a verb that even any mention is made of how dieting relates to weight loss.

I realized that what I had been doing was still just sort of eating whatever I wanted. Intuitive eating for maintenance, I guess, when what I want is to lose weight. I'm not ashamed or afraid to admit it. I. Want. To. Lose. Weight. So, I need to adjust my diet so that it supports that goal. Simple as that.

So for the past week, that's what I've been doing and by gum, I think it's working. I can tell you, it's working inside my head. I'm no longer worried about whether or not I'm doing this right. I just wake up every morning and pray for the willingness to do it right. Because I know what to do, I just need to do it.

What if... by Liimu

Last week, after my anticlimactic weigh in, I called a friend to vent my frustration.

What if this doesn't work?

What if intuitive eating will leave me fat?

What if I'm intuitively eating too much?

What if I'm wasting valuable dieting time?

What if I'm too old to lose weight intuitively?

She gave me a simple solution: "What if you said "what if" in a way that would serve you?"

What if it does work?

What if intuitive eating will get you to your ideal weight and keep you there?

What if you're intuitively eating just the right amount for your body?

What if you never have to diet again?

What if this whole process will leave you feeling and looking younger than ever?

What if the only things you have to eliminate from your life are the thoughts that don't serve you?

What if, indeed.

New Year - New Format!! The Journey Continues...by Liimu

So, my new commitment to this journey of learning how to lighten my load, so to speak, in a healthy, intuitive way is going to be very interesting. At least, to me, anyway. I thought I would just jot down my thoughts throughout the week in a much more personal way. I hope you don't find it to be overkill. I am really excited to share with you as I transform into my best possible self in the most loving, intuitive possible way.

Thursday:

Thank God the holidays are almost over. I can start to feel myself getting back into my own groove after several days at my mother-in-law’s house, where there were literally counters covered with cookies, brownies, pies and cakes. I fell into the habit of eating a cookie or two here and there every time I went into the kitchen. It added up. By the time we checked out of the hotel, I was feeling bloated and no longer positive that intuitive eating was going to work for me. I did hang in there with the whole thing and resisted the temptation to resubscribe to Weight Watchers, call and beg my trainer to take me back, or attempt the Master Cleanse for a week or two. I even got to the gym a couple times, thanks to having the company of my nine-year old – don’t be alarmed, we just walked on the treadmill and did a few jump squats and ball crunches.
Back at home, I apparently needed some extra rest, because I slept until 10 am on Thursday and ended up just doing a little bit of exercise here and there throughout the day – jumping rope for a minute, 25 squats in the shower, that type of thing. It’s unorthodox, and much different from the 90 minute workouts I used to push through, but it felt right.

Friday:

I’m feeling much more solid, much more on my game. I ran across a wonderful blog called Deliberate Receiving that really helped me get back on track with what I need to be doing to stay the course of intuitive eating. Essentially, the first and most important thing to do is to avoid processed foods and any chemicals you can’t pronounce. I presented my kids with my new food philosophy: “If you can’t read it, don’t eat it.” (They are willing to try adopting it, but I’m not going to force the issue. Just a gentle reminder now and again.) As for me, it was very easy to stay on track with intuitive eating by following that simple philosophy. I can really complicate things and so I need to find ways to keep it simple. I thoroughly enjoyed the choices I made today – shrimp gumbo, Ezekiel bread with peanut butter, extra veggies at dinner instead of bread. Yum! I also enjoyed intuitive exercise – on the way to the gym, I turned to my daughter and asked if she’d rather go for a walk along my favorite trail. We ended up walking 3 miles, with a couple 8-minute intervals of walking and jogging. Later in the day, she suggested we walk to the playground to meet her sisters, rather than drive. She even suggested a couple bursts of running along the way! While at the playground, I actually joined them in a game of tag, rather than sitting on the side reading on my iPhone, like I usually do.

The Law of Attraction is law and it is working. My weight loss journey has finally begun.

Saturday:

Happy New Year! My family celebrated the new year in style at Dave and Buster’s. I was underwhelmed by the nasty buffet that offered cheap chicken nuggets and mini pizzas, and not a vegetable in sight unless you count salsa or ketchup. I did manage to work up a sweat on the Dance Party Fiesta video game, however. Yay, me.

Sunday:

I kept my promise to myself of trying at least one of the recipes using my Christmas gifts from Hubby – the Best SlowCooker Recipes cookbook and a top-of-the-line Set and Forget crockpot. Tonight, I made sweet potato soup. Tomorrow, I plan to make easy chicken and rice, which is a meal my mom used to make and I used to love. Not sure my kids will be into it, but so what – at least I’ll have a nice hot lunch option. Tomorrow starts my resolve to start eating natural sugar only, at least for awhile. One more week till I check in on the scale. I have done a great job staying away from it, at my trainer’s suggestion. I do look forward to seeing how I’m doing from that perspective.

Monday:

I’m about to get my period. I realized this in a quick bathroom moment of meditation after about two hours of feeling like everyone in my house was completely annoying and out to make my life miserable. I finally realized that the common denominator was my complete lack of tolerance for any of them. I also remembered that this feeling of intolerance, combined with the feeling that I’ve suddenly expanded to twice my size, and the extra couple of zits that are no longer the norm thanks to my steering clear of hormone-laced dairy products, could only mean one thing. I’m probably still a week away from relief, but I am feeling the hormonal shift.

I guess with that thought in mind, the small amounts of chocolate I consumed today should be considered commendable, and huge progress over years, even months past. I also made it to the gym and had a pretty respectable workout. So, all that to say – it’s ON, folks. I am officially on my game.

Tomorrow, I meet with the nutritionist. Cannot imagine he will tell me anything I don’t already know, but my friend Joan from the gym swears by him, so who am I to think I know it all? I am nothing if not teachable.

Tuesday:

Met with the nutritionist today. He’s a smooth one, that John. I tell him my diet and he notices that I usually have no snack between breakfast and lunch and an extra snack at night. After quite a long conversation about the benefits of eating sooner after waking and not letting more than five hours go by without eating – so as to keep the metabolism from slowing down – he tells me that as long as I eat a structured diet, I should be fine. Although it would be better if I could eliminate one of the two nighttime snacks. In other words, I should eat three meals and three snacks, spaced 2-3 hours apart. Brilliant. Why have I never heard that before? Oh yeah…I have. To be fair, it really hit home with me this time and seemed like a reasonable request. So, I’m trying. I’m noticing that I could work on my portions. Baby steps.

Wednesday:

I’m doing really great. Making small changes, working out nearly every day, even got my water intake up to four liters today. I went to the gym for a workout class today and I actually didn’t hate what I saw in the mirror. I still look pregnant to me, but according to one of the trainers at the gym who’s certified in prenatal instruction and assessment, that’s partly due to the fact that I have ab separation, also known as diastasis recti, which is a common occurrence after having children. Mine is fairly severe, so I am limited to only certain ab exercises (no crunches – only planks and leg lifts) until it closes up. Hopefully that will also help lend me the appearance of a smaller waist. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised to see changes happening in my body when I scanned the workout room, which for some evil reason is walled in mirrors. Doesn’t the fact that we are paying to workout suggest that we might not be vain enough to want to be able to see our thighs jiggle from every possible angle?

The other thing that’s been helping is that I’ve been working out a lot with my sister lately. She and I had an opportunity to try this cool new product, “Cool Off,” a post-workout wipe that’s individually wrapped and is small enough to fit several in your purse. My skin is very sensitive, so I had a slight allergic reaction to the alcohol in the product (hoping they come out with an alcohol-free version). My sister, however, really loved the scent and said it left her feeling refreshed enough to squeeze in a couple of errands before heading home for a shower. You can get them on Amazon or directly at their website.

Next week’s update - the post-holiday weigh in!! You don't want to miss it!

A New Day is Dawning... by Liimu

Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it.

I have been an avid believer in the Law of Attraction since I read The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne (along with half of the world) back in 2008. I'm not sure what it did for anyone else, but it definitely changed my life on many levels.

First of all, I found myself on stage singing a solo backed up by a choir hand-picked by Patti Labelle (with Patti herself directing) live on NBC for 10 million viewers. (If you don't believe me, click here.) I couldn't really believe it myself at the time, which I guess you figured out if you watched the whole clip. It was a surreal moment, and the lyrics to the song - "I'm letting go...give me one more chance...cause I can't do this on my own..." were not lost on me.

Soon after the Patti Labelle experience, I ventured into starting my own business. I quit my six-figure day job to start my own consulting company, relying on my networking skills alone to get clients and keep them. I doubled my income the first year. I have had slumps here and there, but I have always made more than I made when I worked a traditional job and I never looked back. Similar to when I was in the process of auditioning for Clash of the Choirs, I refused to entertain even an inkling of doubt about whether or not I would be successful.

Flash forward to now. After having my baby, I have been wracked with doubts about whether or not I could lose the baby weight and if so, how fast. I have been obsessively counting calories, enduring punishing workouts (including the half-marathon I ran the Sunday before Thanksgiving, despite knee pain beginning at mile 2), talking about it so much I bore myself and my kids keep trying to reassure me by telling me I'm skinny, and even getting snarky at the weight loss success my friends have been having while I have circled around the same five pound marks for months.

That's not me. That's not what I know to be the Law of Attraction and how it works. Well, actually, I guess it is. The same way for years my beliefs about my inability to be a singer if I wasn't 19 years old and a size 0 kept me singing in my car and the occasional wedding band until I employed the Law of Attraction to realize my dreams of singing on a large scale. The same way I spent a good chunk of my day complaining about my job, thereby securing my spot, only to find that once I put that same energy into what I really wanted to do - work for myself - that it would be successful beyond even my own imaginings.

And so why would I think that doing things that keep me far from my sense of joy - things like talking about how "hard" it is to lose weight, depriving myself of all the foods I love, pushing through brutal workouts even when I'm exhausted or hormonal - would get me closer to the body of my dreams and achieving my weight loss goals? Newsflash - it won't. In my experience, the Law of Attraction is LAW. So, if I believe that it's going to be hard - guess what? It's going to be hard.

I know some people will think this is mumbo jumbo, hocus pocus, crunchy granola BS (like my trainer, for one). I don't really much care. I know what's real and true in my life and I know for a FACT the Law of Attraction is a law of the Universe and I am filled with joyous intent to employ it in my favor from here on out. And guess what? I'm really enjoying myself, while I'm at it.

Today was full of laughing and singing and snuggling my kids. I haven't been to the gym since Monday. Won't get there tomorrow, either, because I have the chance to spend time with a friend from Australia who is only here until Friday. We will go for a walk, though, so at least I'll get the body moving. I am loving taking deep breaths before I eat anything so I can get in better touch with what my body wants. I've been reading books about intuitive eating and resonate so strongly with Geneen Roth, author of Women, Food and God, who said, "But once the belief and the subsequent decisions are questioned, diets and being uncomfortable in your body lose their seductive allure. Only kindness makes sense. Anything else is excruciating. You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved." (To read more, click here.)

That was an aha moment for me. So, when my trainer asked me today how I was doing, I told him the truth. I said I was eating healthy, not exercising as intensely as he'd probably like me to but that I am no longer in a go-hard-or-go-home headspace, more of a be-gentle-be-healthy headspace. His response? "That's crap. You haven't been pushed hard enough by me. You're about to go off the cliff. Let's talk." I understand his concern. There have been many times I've used the idea of intuitive eating as an excuse to gorge myself only to come crawling back to him, tail between my legs. That's not what's happening now, and I told him so. I still believe he is one of the best trainers on the planet. He could get me there, if anyone could. I'm just not really in the mood to go. Does that mean I don't want a smaller body? Does that mean I'm opting to be this size the rest of my life? No, no more than it would mean that I didn't love the beach just because I decided to plan a mountain vacation instead. I'm opting to accept and love myself. Or, as one friend of mine put it - we can't beat ourselves into submission when what we really need to do is love and accept ourselves into surrender.

I surrender.