Doing the Right Thing - by Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I always try to be a good role model for my son. As an example, around the Holidays, I received a package in the mail with a return address of a company I recently made a purchase from. I ripped open the package to find four X-box games inside. Because I don’t own an X-Box, I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, the previous owners of our house didn’t give this company their new address, therefore my address was still in their data base. 

My son was so excited to see those games because although we don’t own an X-Box, a few of his friends do. I told him that I was going to send them to the person who bought them. He asked why. I replied, “If you spent $50 on something you were looking forward to receiving, would you like it if your purchase went to someone else’s home and they kept it for themselves?” He sheepishly said no. So I explained that by sending the games to their rightful owner, it is called, “Doing the Right Thing.” I followed it by saying that although trying to get away with something may feel exciting at the moment, in the end, you probably will feel guilty and ashamed. When you feel that way, you know inside that you didn’t “Do the Right Thing.”

Fast forward to this past month. I mentioned in a previous blog that my son graduated to a higher belt level in karate. He was the youngest and smallest person in his class.

This particular karate school does something called sparring. The kids wear protective gear from head to toe with the exception of legs and arms exposed. This was the first time my son was sparring at this higher level. All of the other kids in his class were older, taller and bigger than my son. As sparring began, I noticed first that my son’s opponents were not sparring to perfect technique, they were sparring aggressively and to purposely injure. My son got kicked in his head five times during one match, staggering as he struggled to get up. I mouthed to him, “Do you want to leave?,” he shook his head no, but once the sparring was over, a Mom doctor came over and sat with us for well over an hour hydrating my son, giving him food. When he finally got up and began practicing karate kicks, she said it was probably unlikely that he had a concussion but to look out for warning signs the rest of that evening and into the next day. My son was acting fine.

This past Friday, my son had sparring at karate again. I said to my son as we were driving there, “Honey, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” He said he wanted to try to spar once more. I asked him if I felt he was being injured, would he be upset with me if I called him off the mat. He said no. The ground rules were laid. I was planning on sitting front row, center.

The first sparring round, my son got knocked to the floor but got right up and continued sparring. He then had a break. When it was his turn again, he was up against a much bigger, aggressive type kid. My eyes were glued. I never blinked. My son got kicked to the head. He slowly got up. He continued to spar. He got kicked in the head again. This time, it took more effort for him to get up. He wanted to continue. Whack! A third kick to the head. I stood up and said, “My son needs time out! He can hardly stand!” The instructor reluctantly called over another kid. I slid over to where my son was seated on the mat and said, “You are drained of energy, tired and hurting. Do you want to get off the mat and stop sparring?” He said he wanted to try one more match. My insides were cringing but I had a strong feeling that I was going to make this stop.

My son got up to spar again. He got punched to his arm so badly, it started to bleed. He got hit in the stomach right under the protective padding. He doubled over in pain. Finally he got hit in the throat and kicked in the head. He was on the mat, in a ball, crying. I screamed, “Stop! This is over!!,” and ran to help carry/walk my son off the mat. The Mom doctor was there and she carefully helped get his headgear off and again examined my son for signs of a head injury and felt his ribs and neck area. Again, she said to keep an eye on him. I assured her I would. Once my son stopped crying and hugging me, my son said, “I don’t ever want to come back.” I told him that he didn’t have to do anything in life that made him feel abused or hurt in any way. We left.

The next day my son said he was sore but felt fine. I had him try to rest as much as possible. We had a heart to heart talk about what happened the night before. I asked him if he still felt that he didn’t want to attend that karate school anymore. He replied, “yes.” I asked him how that made him feel. He said he felt really relieved and really good. I explained to him that any time he is faced with a situation that doesn’t make him feel good inside, he can walk away. And if he feels much better inside after he walked away, then he knows he made the right decision. In this case, besides peer pressure, besides being elated at his higher belt ranking, besides not seeing casual friends each week, he chose to walk away from being beat up. I honor him. How many adults could just walk away? I told him several times, how brave I thought he was, how mature, how glad I was that HE felt he made the right decision. When I stated that my son is more of a man than my husband is in a previous blog, I wasn’t embellishing at all.

Now to today. In my blog called, Everyone Has Stress, I knew I had to make amends to a friend I referred to in that blog. I had to, “Do the Right Thing.” Both my friend and I have a truck-load of stress. When I first saw her today, I gave her a big hug because I knew she really needed one. As we sat and talked, something dawned on me. I had gone through the same or similar stressful scenarios in my life, just as she was experiencing. The difference was that in my life, my same stressful situations came one after another. They were not all clumped together on top of each other at the same time. The more I thought about my past and all of the stress I’ve endured, it’s been more than most people will have experienced in a lifetime. However my events gave me small gaps of reprieve to “repair” myself. This poor friend has it poured on like wet cement and she is desperately trying to find her way out. 

I’ve been going through intense stress for two and one-half years now, with more years to come. I was drained completely a year and a half ago. I am literally existing on fumes. I can’t compare what I am facing with what my friend is facing because I am not walking in her shoes and vise versa. But I can imagine that hers is quite comparable to mine. What I do know is that I had to “Do the Right Thing” and make amends. My poor, stressed out friend, I am truly sorry. I hope you accepted my hug in friendship and with warmth. And I hope we both “Do the Right Thing” and will always try to be there for one another, even if just in thought and kind messages. I sincerely apologize. Let’s be stressed out friends together!

"Talking Terrier"...and Other Conversations - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

 I’ve had my dog, Max, for over 13 years. When you’ve known anything that long, you can pretty much “read their mind.” Max and I have our own ways of communicating. His moans, whines, woofs and barks all mean something different. My son is constantly asking me, “Mommy? What is Maxi saying?” I will tell him what I assume Maxi wants. My son will then ask, “How do you know what he wants?” I tell him that I’m “Talking Terrier,” (Maxi is a Terrier breed). My son has been constantly intrigued.

From age eight months until approximately four years ago, my son and I took American Sign Language (ASL) classes together. We unfortunately stopped taking (ASL) classes due to scheduling difficulties. Up until then, though, we were both getting more proficient in communicating with each other via sign language. In fact, starting next school year, my son’s school is offering American Sign Language as an option to take in learning a second language. I’m enrolling him in the class immediately. Especially with all of his reading and writing issues. It can only help him with his communication skills later in life, if necessary.

Somewhat incidentally, my son has both remembered and has been asking me how to sign various things in American Sign Language lately. I like this for a variety of reasons. My son has Auditory Processing Disorder. One of the fundamental techniques in helping those with this disorder is eye contact. Coincidentally, one of the key actions needed to communicate using ASL is to engage in eye contact when signing. ASL forces eye contact so that the person you are signing to can interpret what you are saying. My son needs to engage in eye contact more, even when speaking verbally. If he gets in the habit of engaging in eye contact, whether via ASL or verbal communication, it will ultimately stimulate his neurochemical imbalance to “reorganize” itself. His verbal communication is guaranteed to improve.

Another “type” of communication has also emerged throughout this past year with my son. My son seems to have matured exponentially. I can almost visualize the hormonal surges washing over his brain. We have had so many mature conversations; I sometimes have to tone down what I say so that my choice of vocabulary is not completely “over his head.” His thought process is mind-boggling. And I don’t think it is because he is a smart kid. I think it has to do with other factors.

One of those is that my son is an only child. Only children are unique in that they spend a large part of their time either communicating with or listening to adult conversations. This helps them develop more sophisticated vocabulary and converse in a more mature way. One example I have is that I referred to my son as “tenacious,” and told him that it meant that he doesn’t give up. He keeps on working until something is finished. He has continued to remember that word and it’s meaning from months ago.

Another example was when he was at karate this past week. The word of the week was “integrity.” Putting aside the fact that my son cannot read the word integrity, I wanted him to try to understand what the word meant and to internalize it. I asked him if he knew what the word “integrity” meant. He said, “I have to go ask Sensei.” His Sensei gave him a watered-down version of the real definition. The Sensei said that it meant to be honest. He is correct, but “integrity” is much more than that and way more complex. While my son was questioning what his Sensei’s definition was, I took out my iPhone dictionary App and looked up the actual definition. The actual definition is:

Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty

Yeah...try explaining that to an almost 8 year-old. So when my son came back from speaking with his Sensei, and said me that “integrity” meant “honesty,” I told him that his Sensei was correct, but that the true definition meant much, much more. I explained that it means being the best person you can possibly be, both to yourself and with others, and that honesty was an important part of that. We drove home having this whole discussion about all of the times he felt he displayed integrity. I swore I felt like I was having a conversation with an “almost adult.” You practically have to shake the cobwebs out of your head to grasp the complexity of these conversations sometimes.

I know my son is bright, but I am also aware that there are other influences in school that he has picked up in his learning. He relates well to his teachers and tutors because they are adults. And I very often speak to my son as an “almost adult.” He is used to engaging in more mature conversations. Part of me, though, wishes he would just slow down and talk about “kid stuff” with me. I feel as if he is rushing himself through his youth. Then, again, I, as an only child, never felt “out of place” speaking maturely with other adults. My difficulty was relating to my peers. That was mostly due to the fact that my parents never went out of their way to socialize me with other children. I was somewhat sequestered. I enrolled my son in Mommy and Me classes as early as 3 months old most likely because of that! I was determined to make sure those classes helped to socialize him! And helped it has! My son has been taking age appropriate classes, continuously, of his choice, throughout all of these years. I surmise that coupled with his extraordinary social nature, this kid has absolutely no fear of socializing with his peers! I truly think he has the best of both worlds. Although he still needs a little practice “Talking Terrier!” But that will come with time...I’d give it another year!

When Life Gives You Lemons - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

 My lawyer dealt me a harsh blow this past week. She informed me that based on new divorce laws that are now in effect, the anticipated alimony (now termed “maintenance”) and child support I would have originally received, will most likely be halved. The word devastated doesn’t even describe my reaction. We even have a legal rental property that I was going to use to supplement income after my divorce that my husband is refusing to rent. And if the property is vacant for 12 months or more, it cannot be used as a legal rental anymore. Goodbye extra source of income.

I live in an expensive community. But one of the benefits of living in this community is that the school system is one of the nation’s best. I want that for my child. I want to continue to live in my house so that my son has the security and consistency of living in the home and community he has always known. I feel let down by the judicial system. I feel let down by my husband who is not willing to keep our rental property rented. I feel let down by the whole world.

But there is something inside of me that is telling me that even with all that will be taken away from me, I will have what truly matters. I will have my son. That alone is the real comfort to this debacle. I personally don’t need clothes, I have enough make-up samples to last a few years, and I can manicure my own nails and highlight my own hair. I don’t even need to eat that much food. I will spend what little I get making sure my son is well fed, well clothed, and well cared for. I will find a way to make ends meet. I will find a way to make money even though I will have to be home some days so that my son gets the tutoring he needs. Heck, I will sell some heirloom, expensive furniture if it allows my son and me to remain in our home.

If worse comes to worse, my son and I could live in our rental property and rent out our house. Not my first choice, but as a last resort. I will even empty my bank account except for a cushion of emergency money, to pay off our mortgage. I will go to whatever extremes necessary to allow my son and me to stay where we are.

And who knows, perhaps since my husband now knows he won’t become  bankrupt, maybe he’ll consider chipping in a bit of money to ensure that his son stays secure and will remain in our current school system. And he may possibly chip in to pay for camp and karate, and swim lessons and other activities my child loves.

I’ve spent several days now saying over and over, “Why me??!!” Why has my entire life been one horrendous devastating event after another?? I still don’t know the answer. To build character? To allow me to learn lessons that will prove to be beneficial for the next calamity that comes along in my life? Perhaps. I really don’t know. I do know that God has always been with me throughout all of these horrible events. And I do know that I am truly a good, decent, caring, gratuitous person. I just can’t figure out why I keep going through these cycles of misfortune.

But there has to be a greater reason for this misfortune to be occurring. I haven’t figured it out yet. But I know there IS a reason. I will admit that there was a small part of me that felt guilty that I was bankrupting my child’s father. Even though he deserves it. That guilt is gone now. I am more at peace with myself. Maybe my in-laws will help pay for my son to go to college. I was planning on using my own inheritance money for that, but that will be my emergency “cushion” of money now. Maybe there is a lesson I will learn that I just haven’t figured out yet.

My favorite dog has been around for quite a long time. I would be completely lost without him. My son would too. Maybe his longevity is a payoff also? If it is, I’ll take that at any price. Like I keep saying, there has to be meaning to all of this. Time will hopefully tell.

Over Scheduled...Mom? - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

We’ve all heard stories and read articles about children being over scheduled with all types of after school activities. And there have been a scattering of articles about parents whom are burdened by their children’s schedules. Lately, I have found myself falling into that trap, even though I always promised myself that I would never over schedule my child. It would be an unnecessary burden on my son as well as myself. Until now.

My son has been going to religious school since Kindergarten (he is now in second grade) and really enjoys going. There are more than a handful of students from his elementary school that he knows in this class. And at this point, it is rather low-pressure religious learning. So, we take him to that after school activity once a week.

Then, because my son has Auditory Processing Disorder, which compromises his reading and writing abilities, we have a tutor come one day after school. My son spends 45 minutes with the Tutor and gets weekly assignments to complete.

Following that is Karate, which my son LOVES and happens to be quite good at. In fact the Karate school advanced him to a more vigorous program, requiring him to go to class a MINIMUM of one weekday as well as once on the weekend! Incidentally, all of the professionals, from his ADD specialist all the way down to his Primary Care Physician, feel that if my son enjoys Karate, it is a perfect sport for him to excel at with regard to his ADD.

Finally, there is swimming. Another sport my son LOVES. Thankfully, this class happens to be on Sundays. My son was meant to be in water. He thrives in water. To the point of doing forward, aerial flips off of the diving board! And again, as Michael Phipps will tell you, swimming was his way of managing his own ADHD. Maybe it is my son’s, as well.

So here I am, with all of these important, but certainly not necessary (except for tutoring) activities my son is involved in. And we haven’t even discussed how play dates fit in with all of this! Is my son over scheduled? Am I over scheduled? I certainly know that at this moment in time I am, given that I have an antibiotic resistant germ in me that is wearing me quite thin. Going on 4 weeks now. But what about my son?

Most parenting experts will tell you that the most extracurricular activities a grade school child needs is 1 or 2 activities a week. In my experience, my son needs daily physical exercise of at least an hour a day or  else he will be literally climbing the walls. So perhaps all of these extracurricular activities are good for him.

My husband and I have worked out a schedule, which more or less divides which parent takes my son to certain activities on specific days. But then you have to add homework into the mix. My son can barely manage the load of second grade work during his second week of school. I contacted my son’s teacher regarding the issue of homework. I also plan to make an appointment with the school Psychologist. Other than that, I am at a loss as to what to do.

If my son's schedule cannot be modified, I think I am going to ask my son’s teacher whether my son can do some of the homework over the weekends. It would ease the burden on everyone and allow my son the ability to participate in the extracurricular activities that are good for him, while extending his homework load across 7 days rather than 5.

As for me? I’ll still be over scheduled. But I will either enlist help to manage either dropping my son off at certain activities or miss them entirely if I feel his schedule is getting out of hand. I guess you’ll just have to continue to call me, the “Over scheduled Mom.” Stay tuned.

School Approaching - by Robin

Where does the time go?

School will be here before you know it, and it's first grade for Seth.

Everyone says it's much more demanding than kindergarten. That remains to be seen. I'm crossing my fingers the homework isn't daunting.

It's been so nice having him come home from camp and just being able to chill. Some of the biggest challenges were creating a funky hairstyle for him for Wacky Wednesday and picking clothes in black 'n red for checkerboard day.

The whole after school homework thing is such a challenge for everyone.

And, now we're giving thought to after school activities.

There is no after class program for first graders at the school. So, two days we have enrolled him in a dropoff program similar to day care. But, what about the other days? Should we consider Hebrew School? (He has no interest in that.)

Two other mom friends have broached the subject of martial arts.

Another mentioned tennis.

How much and what to do? And, all this taking into consideration the demands of school itself.

We're not rushing into signing him up for anything as yet, but I do feel like I'd like to have a potential gameplan in mind.

I don't want to be one of those overscheduling moms. Kids need ample time to chill. But, it's tempting to sign them up for programs that seem cool, especially if their friends are doing it. I don't buy into the whole "keeping up with the Jones parenting thing," but it is easy to be influenced.

So, as I call up karate places, kids gyms, synagogues, etc. , we'll see what jumps out at us and Seth. If he had his way, he'd be happy staying home and watching Sponge Bob for hours after doing homework.