GUEST BLOG POST: Creating a Fantastic Relationship with Your Kid at Any Age by Fran Capo

I’m blessed. My son and I are best friends. People often ask what makes you and your son, Spencer so close? So I thought about it, talked to him about it, and here’s what it narrows down to.

To start with, I believe I had the best mom in the world. She was supportive, loving, fun, positive, spiritual, a great listener (that’s probably how I became a fast talker) and taught me nothing was impossible. I could tell her anything. Everyone wanted to adopt my mom as their mom. My mom was a housewife, and although she worked before she had us (I have a sister), when we came along, we were her world. It wasn’t until much later in life, after we were grown, that she worked again and became an assistant teacher.

Okay, so fast forward....

When I had Spencer, I was determined to be that same kind of mom, only I had to balance slightly different challenges. I was divorced when he was only four months old  (no pity, my choice), and I took sole custody and remained friends with my ex. I also had a full time career as a stand up comic traveling all the time. I had to come up with a strategy of how to raise a kid I didn’t want to disown later in life. I needed to institute the Capo plan.

BE A HANDS ON MOM
I was determined not to be an absentee mom. I was determined to raise my own kid and not let somebody else do it. To make that work, I had to bring him and my mom on the road with me. She’d watch him while I was onstage. If my mom couldn’t do it, I’d work out deals with other comics or club owners. Together we toured the country, almost like a vaudeville act. This worked great until he was ready to go to school. Then I just took more local gigs, or writing assignments, and left the traveling to weekends when he could be on the road with me. I managed to never miss a school play, a tournament, a parent teacher’s conference, a birthday or any holiday and he had perfect attendance! Plus we bonded and he got a ton of cool experiences.

GIVE HIM (OR HER) POSITIVE PROGRAMMING and EYE TO EYE CONTACT
From the beginning, I wanted to give Spencer a heads up on life I would have to program him with positive thoughts. I had the words, ”I am a winner; God guides me always; and Nothing is Impossible.” Of course he was still just babbling in his crib, but I would run my finger over the words from the day he was born and read these out loud to him. I wanted him to be armed with self-esteem and a belief in a higher power to counter negative influences. I wanted to teach him the stuff they leave out in school. Now, being a normal kid, there were times I needed to get his attention. So, I would kneel down to be on eye level with him. (Hey it works with hit men, why not with kids?!) and I’d look him straight in the eyes, “Spencer, Mommy needs you to do this now. Do you understand?” It always worked. It makes a huge difference in the response level, if you are talking soul to soul, and are not just some barking mouth from another room, or looming over him pointing the accusing finger of doom at his forehead.

MAKE HIM PICK HIS OWN PUNISHMENT
Now even with all these methods of bonding, I did not raise a Stepford child. My kid did his fair share of not listening, missing homeworks assignments and kid pranks. So, like any good mother, I would have to instate a suitable punishment. But why go with the traditional when you could make them pick their own?  I’d ask, “So Spencer, you didn’t do your homework…how do you think you could learn the lesson not to do this again? What would you do if you were a parent?” I’d give him suggestions; No TV? Time out? Game Boy taken away for a week? Cat litter duty for a month? He was usually harder on himself than I would be, and he could never say it was unfair because he chose the punishment.

SCHEDULE QUALITY TIME
As career women, there is not always a lot of time. But don’t mistake quantity for quality. I always made sure we had daily “Mommy-Spencer time.” It could be as simple as reading a book together, coloring, playing hide and seek, meditating in the woods or as elaborate as doing a whale watching adventure, rolling down a grassy hill, an ultra-light flying lesson, sleeping in hammocks in a tree or climbing Kilimanjaro. Anything that created memories, was fun, and would make for a great photo album shot.

MAKE THE WORLD A LESSON 
You can learn from everything you do. It could be a simple as shopping in the supermarket where I’d have Spencer read me the ingredients on the back of a soup can, or to very complex observation games, “So Spencer, what kind of job do you think that pedestrian over there has” Really, why do you think she’s a dentist?” I’d also get a kick out teaching him big words. I remember when Spencer was two, we were in an elevator in Vegas, and he was in his carriage sucking on a pacifier. A man said, “Oh, how cute. What does he call his pacifier?” I said, “He calls it a pacifier”. The man said, “No, mam, I mean what does HE call it. A bo-bo?” I repeated, “He calls it a pacifier?” Meanwhile Spencer was just sucking away on it. Finally the man asked a third time. Spencer took it out of his mouth, looked right up at the man and said, “PACIFIER.” The man was shocked. We laughed. Kids have an amazing power to learn, just teach them.


TANTRUMS WERE NOT TOLERATED
Luckily, only on one occasion did I ever have to experience Spencer having a temper tantrum. We were in a K-mart and he started to scream for a toy. I laughed, “Really is that the loudest you can scream? Please scream louder. I don’t think the manager can hear you.” He took me up on my offer and bellowed out. Meanwhile his face turned bright red. I smiled and ignored him. Parents stared, I shrugged my shoulders. When he saw I didn’t give in, he realized his method wasn’t going to work. Kids learn quickly what they can and cannot get away with.

ANSWER ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING AND BE A ROLE MODEL
No matter what question Spencer asked me, I’d answer. Yes...anything; about sex, my life, why I divorced his dad, anything. Of course, I made it age appropriate…but I’d never said, “You’re too young to know that, or go ask someone else.” Luckily, I led a pretty straight life. The bottom line is you can’t be a hypocrite and tell him not to do something if you’ve done it. But, you can guide them and say, “Wow I did this really stupid thing and messed up, so probably not a good idea to do it.” Now I’m not saying, burden you’re child with heavy adult problems, I’m just saying all questions deserve an honest answer. And for goodness sake if you tell your kid to clean his room, make sure yours is clean as well. None of this, “Do as I say, not as I do” crap. We all want to protect our kids from stupid things, but they will learn their own lessons no matter what.

MAKE YOUR HOME THE COOL HANG OUT
Want to know where your kid is at all times? Simple...make your home the cool hang out. Create the place where he and his friends can make the movie (Not R rated), stay up till 3 am during sleep overs, play music loud (till 11 PM) or get home made chocolate chip cookies. Also let them know there are definite rules of respect. Guide them, but make it okay to be a kid. Have an open door policy.

KNOW WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOUR CHILD
Each of us are individuals. Is your kid sensitive? Does he need to talk or be left alone when something bad happens? Is he a pouter? Work with who he is so you can know when to communicate to be most effective. Also administer tons of well deserved praise and appreciation. Everyone likes to be thanked, even kids.

HUMOR IS KEY
Okay, humor may be a defense mechanism, but it’s also a great stress reliever, and helps put things into perspective. Always find the humor in a situation. When Spencer was younger, we’d have pillow fights, or tickle fights. Now since we both are comics, some sarcastic lines back and forth brings smiles and laughter. And yes, occasionally, we still have pillow fights, snowball fights or play box.

BE A PARENT FIRST, FRIEND SECOND. BUT ALWAYS TALK FROM YOUR HEART AND IN TERMS OF HONEST FEELINGS
Some parents are so concerned with being “liked” by their kids that they try to be their friends first, then parents. Nope. Parenting is not necessarily a popularity contest. Kids need to feel the security. They need rules, discipline and guidance. But you can do it in such a way that they know you still love them, and that leads to a great friendship.

ALWAYS BE READY TO LISTEN, EVEN AT 4AM
I cannot tell you how many times Spencer comes home from a night club at 4AM, and I hear him come in, and I can tell he’s excited. I say, “How did it go?” He’ll come into my room, lie on my bed and tell me about his night. It doesn’t have to be a long drawn out talk, just enough to say, “Hey, I’m your mom, and I’m happy when you’re happy.” And if he’s upset, and I’m in the middle of work, I’ll say, “Okay give me a minute, I need to finish this up so I can give you my full attention.” Sometimes his timing is awful and I’m on deadline for something, but the few minutes that he needs to feel I care, is worth the time out.

TEACH YOUR CHILD GRATITUDE and MEDITATION
A good way to keep things in perspective is to be grateful, so I taught Spencer every morning the simple exercise of start out everyday with thoughts of gratitude. I also told him one of the most important things he can learn in life, is to know himself, and for that he needs introspection. To ask himself questions as to why he does what he does? I also taught him to meditate, a practice I follow.

SAY I LOVE YOU EVERY NIGHT
Simple. Never go to sleep without telling your child you love them. To this day, even if Spencer is not home, we text each other, “Goodnight, love you.” As a kid I would give him, “a million hugs and kisses.” I still do that to embarrass him in front of his girlfriends, but the odd thing is, he never gets embarrassed by it, and his male friends all think it’s nice.

Spencer is now 22, (although I tell him to lie about his age so people don’t figure out mine) but anyone who knows us, knows we are extremely close. Everything we did together growing up, we still do now; we hang out together, talk, listen, say I love you. Sure there were times I may have wanted to kick his butt for worrying me, or needed to straighten him out about something stupid he did without thinking, but the love is always there. (I also know there were times he wanted to tell me to lighten up on him). But to this day, we are best friends. He is the light of my world. And the beauty is, anyone can have this relationship with their kids. If you have this relationship already....great, if not, start now. Go out there, hug your kid, and tell them why you love them. It works miracles. Respect comes from love, not fear.

Fran Capo is a comedienne, 16-time author, keynote motivational speaker, award-winning TV host of "Live it Up!", spokesperson, adventurer, and Travel Adventure Mom blogger. She’s also a five-time world record holder, known as the Guinness Book of World Records fastest talking female. She has been on over 4500 radio shows, and 350 television shows worldwide including; Entertainment Tonight, The Late Show, Larry King Live and Ripley's Believe it or Not. Her "Cuppa Capo's" humorous motivational Vlogs can be received by subscribing at www.youtube.com/cuppacapo. She publishes the e- newsletter, “Capo update” where she shares publicity tips, movie reviews, her appearances and adventures like Tornado Chasing, and going down to the wreck site of the Titanic. She has spoken to Fortune 500 companies re: “Dare to Do it”, “Creativity in Marketing” and “Humor in Business Speaking and Everyday Life.” Visit http://www.francapo.com/. Follow her on twitter.com/francapo and facebook.com/francapo.

Craving Community by Robin Gorman Newman

It's always amazed me that I'm a writer at heart because it's such a solitary craft, and in that sense, it doesn't suit me at all.

I love being around people and feeling part of a community.  That's one of the resounding reasons I launched Motherhood Later...Than Sooner.  But, for me, it's not just about connecting with other moms, it's about quality time with people you enjoy, and ideally, those who truly mean something to you.  If they happen to be moms, that's icing on the cake, but far from a requirement.

I have found that since becoming a mother, coupled with getting older, life for everyone I know is so full, with the operative word "busy" in constant use.  In people's minds, there is little time for fostering relationships (especially new ones), and pleasure is squeezed in between chores and what easily starts to feel like a stagnant daily existance.

I crave more than that.  I want to enjoy life and the people in my world.  This is a priority.  And, in my book, you're never too old to make new friends or reinforce longstanding friendships. It's worth it.

This past week/weekend was an unusual time in my home. For four days straight, we had a full house.  Marc and I felt like keepers of a B and B we called Chez Newman, and though a bit hectic, it was fun.  One very close friend who I worked with some 25 years ago and lives a distance away, came to stay with us for two nights, and it took me back to our professional days as single gals working in NYC.  While it was a time of spontaneity and enjoying all that Manhattan had to offer, ironically it wasn't all joyous since we were living in the gray.  And, that was a challenging place for us.  A frequent topic of discussion was our desire to meet the men we would one day marry.  We weren't in a rush to walk down the aisle that very moment, but in a perfect world, we would have had a crystal ball so we'd be assured it would happen.  And, we'd know exactly when and how.  Then, we might have been able to rest easy, and potentially enjoy our 20s all the more.

Fast forward, and we're now both married women with kids living in our respective suburbs.  We got what we wanted.  And, though we love our children and husbands, we yearn for the freedom that feels like another lifetime ago. 

This takes me back to my college days.  When I was an undergraduate student attending Hofstra University, starting my second year, I lived in a single dorm room.  It was small but had the necessities, and while I appreciated the privacy, I also relished company.  So, when I wasn't hibernating writing a paper or studying all night for an exam, my room was the "go-to" destination.  I had an open door policy (at times, even if I was in my pajamas), and fellow student friends would wander in 'n out, and I was in my element.

My good friend Alli (Aunt Alli to Seth), who also stayed with us this past week (for one night), has shared  how she and other empty nester friends have had conversations about communal living. They've discussed the possibility of one day buying a large house with ample space for all of them.

I can see the appeal of that or living in a gated or even retirement community, when the time comes.  If you're lucky enough to have neighbors you enjoy, you have a built in circle of companionship.  While I feel fortunate to live in our house, we are only friendly with one set of neighbors, the rest of whom keep to themselves.  I see many at our community pool in the summer, but conversations start 'n end there.

I don't want to think about old age at present.  I have no desire to wish the years away.  But, I do know that I appreciate the company of people I can have heartfelt discussions with.  Other women who get raging hormones.  Other women who decided to be a stay at home mom and grapple with the challenges that come with that.  Other women who yearn for topics of discussion beyond parenthood.  Other women who want to get to know you despite having an existing social circle.  Other women engaged in stimulating pursuits, who you can learn from.   And, I'm certainly open to getting to know men as well (of course, not romantically).

So....to all  who know and love us....Chez Newman is open for business.  Don't be a stranger.  And, if you are a stranger, don't be afraid to say hello.

GUEST BLOG POST: Joy and Exhaustion: In Other Words, Being a Mom by Diana Fletcher

What is it about being a mom?

It’s confusing and wonderful and fulfilling and aggravating. It’s fun, worrisome, oftentimes hectic and it can even be calming. (When they are asleep.)

It is all these things and more, but many times, we come to the conclusion that it is just plain tiring. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, being a mother can exhaust you.

In your effort to be everything to everyone, you may forget a basic truth and that is, in order to take care of everything and everyone you want to take care of, and in order for you to accomplish what you want to in your life, you have to take care of yourself.

When you do not take care of very basic self-care, you cannot truly enjoy your life. I firmly believe that we are meant to enjoy our lives. You are meant to be happy, healthy and free. If you take good care of yourself, you will live in a happier state. I am not saying that you will skip merrily through your days or have the perfect amount of patience, but you will approach your life in an entirely different way.

There are many serious issues in the world. There are many serious issues that we face as parents. We cannot change that. But what we can change is how we take care of ourselves and how we view the world.

Is it a scary place with only danger and worry? Or is it a place of adventure and wonder and learning that you can approach with a positive outlook?

When you take care of the basics of self-care, you look at the world with different eyes.

When you have enough sleep, your body is prepared for whatever you are exposed to physically, and your mind is rested enough to think through issues and react well in emergencies.

When you fuel your body with the proper foods, you will enable it to fight off viruses and you will feel physically able to keep up with the demands of being a parent.

When you drink enough water, thereby hydrating every cell in your body, your body will feel and be healthier. When you drink water, you are also hydrating the cells in your brain. This will also enable to think more clearly and be a sharper, more creative decision maker. (Proper hydration will also keep headaches away—added bonus!)

When you make sure you get some exercise each day, you will be building the strength that will serve you well in being a mom.

The trouble is, you may equate self-care with being selfish. I have had more than one women tell me that she is concerned that people will think of her as selfish and not a good person.

This is what I believe: If you live your life with integrity, if you act out of love and truly care about yourself and your family, you cannot go wrong.

Come from a place of strength and know that you are doing what is right for you, your family, and all relationships.

Just as you cannot control the world around you, you cannot control what people think. What matters is what you think.

The first step is making the commitment to taking care of yourself. Once you truly commit, you will begin to notice where you can make changes. You will begin to see how you can change or tweak your schedule to allow for more sleep. You may notice that you want to sit and have lunch and eat mindfully, instead of in front of the computer. You will recognize negative situations that you can avoid.

Most importantly, you will figure out what to say no to, and what you can say yes to. (By the way, as far as saying no, I guarantee that you will get better with practice!)

Saying no to being exhausted and giving in to everyone else, will be saying yes to all sorts of joyful, wonderful surprises!

Diana Fletcher is a Stress Reducing Expert Life Coach, Speaker and Author. She is the co-author of four books in the Outstanding Life series. Diana travels extensively for speaking and makes her home in Murrysville, PA where she lives with her husband and three children. Her most recent book, Happy on Purpose: Daily Messages of Empowerment and Joy for Women can be purchased at http://www.dianafletcher.com/programs/HOPbook.

©2011 Diana Fletcher www.dianafletcher.com

Party in My Belly by Robin Gorman Newman

Seth said the cutest thing this week.

We had gone out for Indian food, and he loves the basmati rice.  After a few heaping spoonfuls, he gleefully declared,"it's like a party in my belly."

I loved his earnestness and delight.  And, I thought, how well put.

How simply and articulately kids often express things.  They are so in touch with how they feel. So in the moment and don't hesitate to share what's on their mind, for better for worse.

I'm not so good at that.  I don't always allow myself to feel as I do since I endeavor to be chipper, but I have my moods.

My perimenopausal hormones feel like they've been raging of late, and I'm feeling somewhat melancholy.

It doesn't help that winter is upon us, and here in NY, we've been socked with two major snowfalls thus far and more to come no doubt.  I have never been a winter lover, and I detest snow.  So, weather like this makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic.

While it was nice having Seth and Marc home from school and work on Wednesday, our snow day, it felt odd at the same time.  Seth was flitting from activity to activity, and Marc, in between shoveling, was trying to get work done.  He was home but quite preoccupied....almost like he wasn't here.  I spent most of my time trying to engage Seth and popping into my office for quick e-mail checks when I could squeeze one in.

So.... I asked myself....what is it I want?

When I'm home alone, as I am typically, I feel isolated.  But, here I was with my family present, and the day felt confusing to me.

When my hormones are running amuck, I am often at a loss, period.  I want to feel good physically and mentally, but my head is  foggy and I lack clarity.

I spent the afternoon yesterday writing at a friend's home, and that felt good.  It got me out of myself and out of my home setting.  Being alone a lot has never suited me.  Yet, the life of a creative soul can be a somewhat solitary one.  I can't help it that that's who I am, yet I do struggle with working alone.

As I write this blog, in fact, I am somewhat scattered with my thoughts.  And, it's been that kinda week.

I guess I'm entitled.  As a multi-taking mom, we're often doing so much that it's hard to think totally straight.

When Seth "moons" me and invites me to give his tush a bedtime squeeze, knowing it makes me happy (as he says), it reminds me that my "little butt boy" is getting bigger by the minute, and I try to savor these days.

We can't always be on top of our game. And, that's ok. While hard to admit, we're only human. And, not every day is sunny, but we moms tough it out. Our kids love us just the same, so we should endeavor to love ourselves, hormones and all.

And Then There Was...The 2nd Trimester...by Liimu

Ahhh...the 2nd trimester! Cue Disney music...

After more than two months of feeling like I should be living in a dark cave, with my husband throwing food outside the entrance for me to slither out and devour every 90 minutes, I finally feel like a human being once more. I wish I could say that I am now running 4 miles 5 days a week, but let's not push our luck, shall we not?

I have to say that God sure does know what He is doing, because my resurgence of energy and feeling human times perfectly with my life getting INSANE. I won't even touch on the fact that work has ramped up to an unprecedented level of busy-ness. It's a good busy, so it feels almost blasphemous to complain about it. (Plus, it's going to pay for the bouquets of flowers I intend to send to myself in the hospital in advance of my scheduled c-section so that for this last baby, I have the experience of having a room full of flowers that I've sort of secretly always wanted.)

The other thing that's suddenly happening is that our family has gone from watching on the sidelines (pun intended) as our friends shuttled their kids here, there and everywhere all fall to having a ton of activities happening in what feels like 18 different directions. Devon begins winter swim on Monday - practice 5 days a week and weekend swim meets - and our not-quite-four year old is actually really good at and really enjoying soccer. We had always promised ourselves that we wouldn't push them into doing any activities, but that if they showed a true interest in something we would support them and strongly encourage them to pursue it. Autumn has been kicking the ball around all summer with dad and is settling into soccer like the game was invented for her. The funny thing is that I have friends who's kids are already on traveling teams, my sister's three kids have all been playing soccer for years, and it has seemed like a staple of suburban parenthood that our family was just not going to experience. Just goes to show that kids are different. My three kids have very different interests and what works for one definitely does not work for the others. Still trying to figure out what the middle one is into (other than singing and monologuing in the mirror).

A hectic pace, a frenetic schedule, but through it all I am somehow managing to stay in flow. Just this morning I got a meeting cancellation that freed me up to take care of some other work-related activities that I had been trying to figure out how I was going to complete. I swear, for the past three days I have felt like there was a mixed up Rubik's cube in my head and then today it's like someone just took a paintbrush to all the different sides and it is now miraculously solved. It's flowing like that.

Speaking of Being in Flow, someone asked me when I told her I was pregnant how I was going to manage a fourth kid - "It's so expensive and you complain now about the logistics of the kids you already have!"

I said to her, "In my experience, God doesn't come up with HALF a plan."

My thought for the week...there is a God and it ain't ME!!! Hope you'll tune in next week for all the Week 14 FUN!!!

Tired, cranky, and HOT - by Liimu

Someone told me that we had over 40 days above 90 degrees this summer. Last summer, we had TWO. Not sure what is going on, but I do have a theory. We got slammed with the worst winter I have certainly seen in my lifetime this past year, and I'll bet there were a lot of people who were WISHING for 90 degree heat when their power lines were being knocked out by two feet of heavy snow piled on top of them. All those people manifesting heat has led to this CRAZY heatwave of a summer. That's my theory, anyway.

The funny thing is, when the summer started, we were at our community pool as soon as it opened. We spent 11 hours there the first weekend. We were there every Saturday, Sunday, even weekday evenings if we weren't busy...basically, as often as we could get there. Somewhere around late July, we were all just sort of... over it. It's still hot, sure it is. But when I ask my kids if they want to go to the pool, they say, "Again?" I never thought I would see that day. And honestly? I can't blame them. I'm pretty tired of it, too. Come to think of it, lately I've just been tired. The last two Sundays, I have had a hard time even getting off the couch at all, let alone getting all our pool stuff packed up and hauled over to the pool.

But I'll have more on THAT for you next week...till then, you'll just have to stay tuned. And while you're at it, stay COOL. (How tired are we of hearing people say THAT??)