Putting It Out There—by Jamie Levine

Back when I was in my early 30's, I had a good friend who was perpetually husband-hunting, and used to ask everyone whom she met to set her up. If she ever found herself chatting to a woman in the grocery store, and somehow the fact that my friend was single arose, she would shamelessly ask, "do you know any nice single Jewish guys?" I used to laugh at her antics, but she sure scored a lot of dates. And, ultimately, she snagged a nice Jewish husband, to whom she's still happily married (though she met him on her own—not through a set-up).

I’m blessed with a multitude of really good friends—both female and male—who know how badly I’d like to be a relationship again, but who rarely introduce me to dateable men. Not because they don’t love me, or think I’m a “catch,” but because they don’t know anyone great—and single—whom they think is my match. So, I’m on my own. Post-breakup with Library Guy, I attempted online dating, and found it pretty disappointing. I’ve also hit several bars—and met a few guys—but no one who’s left me smitten. I’ve flirted at the gym, as well as at the playground with Jayda, and come across a handful of appealing—but married—guys. And it’s been frustrating. Very. In my heart, I’ve always believed that a good man will fall into my lap, organically—at a soccer game with Jayda, while picking out produce in the supermarket, or in the children’s room of the library (been there, done that). But right now, I don’t feel like waiting for Mr. Right to come along. I want to do a lot of dating. I want to balance out mommy-hood and the stresses of graduate student life with some good, old-fashioned, grown-up fun.

Thus, I’ve started opening up my big mouth even more than usual. The other day, Jayda and I were invited to an old friend’s house for dinner, and soon after we arrived, my friend’s younger sister stopped by. I greeted her, and after asking about her kids and the status of her job, I blurted out, “do you know any nice, appealing single men?” She laughed, paused, and then said “let me think about that for awhile…I may!” Five minutes later, she told me she was having a birthday party for her husband the following night and said I should stop by. My friend asked her, “will there be any single men there?” and she responded, “maybe one or two…” As fate would have it, I couldn’t make it to the party—but it was nice to have the option.

Similarly, as I was lamenting about my singledom with a woman I know from the locker room at my gym (whose husband works at the front desk), she asked me what kind of man I was looking for. I told her: Someone athletic and fit, from 36-48 years-old (though I’m flexible on those numbers), preferably with a kid or two (and if not—someone who won’t expect me to have more with him), and someone who’s good with kids. Of course, like any woman, I want my mate to be affectionate, generous, kind, and have a good job—but I’m not wrapped up in trivial details like his height, religion, or whether or not he’s super-hot. I’m discerning—but not super-picky! Days later, she said she might have a guy for me—and that her husband was on the case, too. In the midst of our conversation, another woman walked by and smiled at my friend’s remark, so I caught her eye and said “hey—if you know anyone great who is single, please keep me in mind.” The woman smiled again—possibly because she thought I was crazy—but hey, you never know.

I’m pretty self-sufficient—stubborn, too—so I generally take care of myself, and all of my needs, on my own. And I must admit that most of the men I’ve dated in the past have been men I’ve met without anyone's help. But desperate times require desperate measures, and I’m finally learning that it doesn’t hurt to ask for some help when you need it. So…blog-readers…do you know any wonderful single men with whom you can set me up? Who knows what might happen! At the very least, it could make for an interesting blog…

Feel free to contact me at JMLNY@aol.com

ROBIN'S SHOW REVIEW: Miss Abigail's Guide to Dating, Mating & Marriage

After a successful run at The David A. Straz, Jr. Center for the Performing Arts (formerly the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center), Ken Davenport is presenting the New York City premiere of Miss Abigail's Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage (http://www.missabigailsguide.com/). The open-ended engagement is playing Off-Bway at the Downstairs Cabaret Theater at Sofia’s (221 West 46th Street, next to the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre in NYC). Eve Plumb, TV’s famed Jan Brady, is making her New York theatrical debut in the lead role of Miss Abigail.

Written by Ken Davenport (Altar Boyz, My First Time, The Awesome 80s Prom) and Sarah Saltzberg (25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee), Miss Abigail's Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage is based on Abigail Grotke's popular book—the comedy’s namesake—that promises "classic advice for contemporary dilemmas." Davenport directs as Miss Abigail takes you back to a simpler time, before booty calls and speed-dating, back when the divorce rate wasn’t 50 percent and “Fidelity” was more than an investment firm.

It's the story of Miss Abigail, the most sought-after relationship expert to the stars—think Dr. Ruth meets Emily Post—and her sexy sidekick Paco, as they travel the globe teaching Miss Abigail’s  tongue 'n cheek (and sometime cheeky) “how-tos” on dating, mating and marriage.

During this nearly 90-minute comedy (no intermission), you’ll learn a thing or two . . . like how to have a perfect kiss (it’s all about lip position) . . . what you should and should not talk about on a date (don’t mention your troll doll collection) . . . and how to let a man think he wears the pants.

It makes for a fun afternoon or night out with girlfriends, and it's suitable for couples as well.  There's audience particpation, and a riotous short film on the subject of sex education.

Manuel Herrea, who plays Paco, provides sex appeal and considerable comic relief.

And, Ms. Plumb is in fine form....it was fun to see her morph into a dating expert.....from her days of Jan Brady.  She's come a long way and has aged well!

With the code FUNNYDATE, you may purchase $45 tickets (regular price: $75) to Miss Abigail's Guide To Dating, Mating, & Marriage.  Check out more about the show at: http://missabigailsguide.com/



Eve Plumb & Manuel Herrera

No Time to Waste -- by Jamie

As I’ve articulated here before, the experience of dating as a single mother is quite a bit different than dating as a single woman without a child. For me, both logistically—and emotionally—it’s a lot more difficult.

That said, ever since Jayda was born, all of my dating has evolved at a much slower pace, since the act of actually setting up a date is complicated, and involves a sitter and a lot of Jewish mommy guilt. Consequently, as a single mother, I haven’t had a serious relationship with anyone yet. This has been partly out of choice—I often feel I don’t have the time to devote to anyone else but me and Jayda—and partly because I haven’t met anyone whom I could actually picture myself with long-term (especially with Jayda in the picture). And I don’t have the spare time to spend on Mr.-Nothing-Special anymore.

In the past, I dove into a myriad of forced-dating ventures—went to singles events, visited all types of online dating sites, and even tried speed-dating. But, a romantic at heart, I always pictured myself meeting Mr. Right in a not-so-pressurized setting—at the gym, in a coffee shop, or at some other chance meeting.

Once I had Jayda, I felt a lot less pressure to “have to” meet a man quickly; my attitude instead, became, that I’d simply like to meet a man…and if it didn’t happen soon, that would be fine, too. But, regardless, I’ve always had a vision of meeting Mr. Right-for-Both-Me-and-Jayda at a family-friendly outing. At the playground…or a PTA meeting…or some place where I’d find a doting single dad taking care of his own child. The commonality of being parents would bring us together (and there’s also the fact that I find doting dads extremely sexy!).

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago when I met a single dad at a local town fair. Our children (both young girls) presented a great conversation starter, and that led to a flurry of emails between us over the following weeks. We finally met for breakfast the other day…and our 9:15 meeting abruptly ended at 12:30, when we both looked at our watches and realized Single Dad was late for a meeting! It’s been a long time since I’ve lost track of time like that, and even longer since I’ve been on a date where both of us had so much in common, had so much to talk about, and clearly enjoyed each others’ company (and had no hesitation in admitting that to each other). Though it seemed to take us eons to get together for that “first date,” neither of us wasted any time cutting to the chase. Single Dad effusively told me he hasn’t remembered having such a good time in ages, and that he can’t wait to see me again. I agreed.

I left the date knowing I’d hear from Single Dad soon, and that we’d go out again. I did. And we will. And that’s one nice thing about dating as a single mother; there’s no time to throw away on nonsense. These days, I can’t waste a moment sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, or wondering if a guy is “just not that into me.” I’m honest now—and anyone whom I’d like to date is honest with me, too. Single Dad told me that up until our breakfast date he hadn’t called me because he’d been afraid of rejection—that if he didn’t reach me directly, I might not call him back. But I told him—and I meant it—that if I didn’t want to call him back, he’d know it. I don’t have time to play games. And any Mr. Right-for-Both-Me-and-Jayda won’t have time for that either.

I’m looking forward to getting to know Single Dad. And I’m hoping, someday, Jayda might get to know him, too. He appears to be a really great father, and a good, honest man. He has a lot of potential, and I’m happy to invest the few extra moments I do have, in finding out more about him. I suspect it will be time well-spent.

Patience is a Vrtue...When Parenting or Dating -- by Jamie

Before I became a single mother by choice, I was a highly-experienced serial dater with very specific intentions. No matter how I’d first “encountered” my potential suitor—be it in-person, or online—I always pushed for our first date to occur ASAP. Even if I’d clearly felt a connection with a guy after speaking to him in line at Starbucks, or as a result of the emails he’d sent me on JDate, I kept to my agenda: we needed to have a phone conversation quickly after our initial contact, and we had to meet in person as soon as our calendars were clear. My reasoning came from experience: I’d often gotten excited about a guy just from his flirtatious emails, or from a brief but memorable encounter that I’d replayed over and over in my mind, only to discover that we had no chemistry when we finally went out on a date. So, rather than build up my anticipation for a date that could, ultimately, disappoint me, I eagerly sought a face-to-face meeting as quickly as possible, to really gauge a guy’s potential.

This technique worked well for me when I was single, and on a quest to find Mr. Right. I had the flexibility to be spontaneous and have a date on the fly, as well as plenty of spare time for a very social social life. With nothing better to concentrate on (aside from work and working out!), I focused on fast-tracking my dating. After a good date, I’d often find myself obsessively waiting for the man to call or email me. It was hopeless for me to divert my attention, or to just be patient, while my all-consuming desire to be in a relationship took over. Even when I was getting attention from a guy, and he seemed interested in going out on more dates, it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t stay “in the moment,” and just enjoy dating for what it was…I kept wondering where things were leading, and if we’d have a future together. Before I decided to have a baby on my own, I was always hoping to get to the point where my life was entrenched with Mr. Right’s, and, ultimately, I never got there.

As a mom, it’s easy to get impatient with my daughter. Toddlers find wonder in the smallest things, and I often find Jayda dawdling to pick up a rock while we’re walking to the car, or stopping and staring at the people in a crowd we’re trying to push our way through. In addition, Jayda is now at the age where she constantly insists, “I do it myself!” which can sometimes mean that a simple task will take three times as long to achieve. When we’re in a rush, it’s hard for me to relax and just let Jayda be Jayda, and take her time. But as we both get older, I’m becoming more successful at it. I’m learning to be patient. I’m learning to be ok with letting things evolve on their own (or on Jayda’s own!). It’s a good lesson for dating, too.

A few weeks ago, Jayda and I went to a fair in a neighboring town. It was a beautiful day, and Jayda enjoyed her pay-one-price wristband by hopping on ride after ride after ride. At one point, while I watched Jayda circle around endlessly on a motorized car next to a slightly-older girl, the man beside me began chatting with me about our children. By the time the ride had ended, I’d discovered that he was a single father, and was raising his daughter on his own. We wound up walking around the fair together, with our girls, for quite some time, and it was clear to both of us that we’d made a connection. When it was time for us to leave, we exchanged business cards, and promised to talk again. And we have…through a flurry of emails—lengthy ones, written when our kids are asleep, or in daycare. Slowly, but surely, we’re getting to know each other. We’ve discussed meeting for lunch—but we both can’t seem to find the time to do so in the near-future. And so, we continue to write, and continue to “hope” to talk on the phone soon (there never seems to be time for that, either), and nothing more. And you know what? It’s enough. Because, as a single mom, my life is quite full, and while I’d love some male companionship, I don’t “need” to find Mr. Right right now. I’m not even in a hurry to find out if this man has the potential to be my Mr. Right. He’s kind. He’s funny. And I anticipate his emails…but I don’t obsess over them. I have some patience now. And it makes being a mom—and a dater—much easier.

INTRODUCING JAMIE LEVINE, NEW MOM BLOGGER FOR MOTHERHOODLATER.COM

A Single Mother by Choice (Sort of…) -- by Jamie Levine

I’m a single mother by choice. Though “by choice” isn’t quite an accurate description of my lifestyle. Yes, I chose to have a child on my own. But I didn’t exactly choose to raise a child without a husband by my side. Circumstances steered me that way.

My parents have been married for over 50 years. My dad is a great father, husband, and simply, a mensch: A caring, generous, affectionate, thoughtful guy—the kind of man I’d like to marry. And the type of guy I always pictured fathering my child(ren). However, after years and years (and years!) of serial dating, all I ever seemed to meet was Mr. Wrong: Commitmentphobes whom I tried (unsuccessfully!) to reform, commitment-minded men who bored me to tears, and even men who were good fathers already. (As in…they were finished having children.) I never found my own Mr. Right. So, as I grew older, I decided to take action…and, at the age of 36, I “chose” to begin my path to single-mom-hood. I decided to do things backwards: Become a mom first and a wife second. Since I do still hope to be married someday.

“Choosing” to be a single mother does have its perks. I don’t ever have to fight with anyone about child-rearing issues. Heck, even my daughter’s name was all my idea—and I didn’t need to run it by anyone else. I also don’t have to worry about taking care of anyone but Jayda and myself. There’s no one else to make dinner for, do laundry for, or clean up after. (And no one else to apologize to about my messes…or my lousy dinners!) Finally, when I do meet a man whom I want to date, he doesn’t have to worry about my “unresolved issues” with my ex—or any contact we might have as a result of sharing time with my daughter. There is no ex.

But of course, there’s also no doting dad for my little girl to look up to. And while a part of me is saddened when I think of Jayda growing up without a father like I had, I know she’s more loved than a lot of kids. She’s also fortunate to have other wonderful men in her life who adore her—uncles, friends, neighbors, and most importantly, my father. And for now, that’s enough.

Jamie Levine is an accomplished children’s book/gift buyer and online marketer, as well as a certified life coach. Currently, she is a freelance writer and consultant, as a means to spend more time with her greatest gift—her 26-month-old daughter, Jayda. Jamie hopes to find a way to permanently work without much commuting before she turns 40 in February! She and Jayda live on Long Island, NY.