Trust - Part II by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted yet again.

If you read my blog, I recently wrote about my son Seth unplugging the cords in my office to my computer, modem, etc. and how we paid to have a locksmith come and install a deadbolt on my door.  We gave Seth a talking to, and at the suggestion of a parent trainer we consulted, we suggested he try to ask himself  "would mommy and daddy be happy if I do this?" before he act impulsively and engage in a behavior where the resounding answer is "NO" we would not be happy.

All this said, I awoke this morning to find that the office key I typically leave in a particular place in my bedroom was gone.  I immediately asked Seth if he saw it, and it said with complete resolution "No."  I told him if I find out he took the key and didn't tell me, that I'll take away every toy he has....and I poured through my drawers in search of the spare key that he doesn't know I have. 

He then proceeded to admit he took it.....locked it in his toy safe in his room.....but when he went to open the safe, he didn't know where the key was.  It was no longer in there. 

As my blood pressure rose and rose, so did my temper and voice.  I'm not one to yell at him.  I always try to speak firmly vs. loudly.  But, this time I came close to yelling, and I think he was stunned.  He wound up, as is turned out, dropping the key on the floor in his room, and he found it.

But, this doesn't excuse his behavior.  He said he was sorry and tried to cuddle up to me as he cried.  But, it doesn't make up for it.  And, then unexpectedly, I found myself crying.  And, that surprised him the most....and me.  What was this about?   I told him I don't what to do anymore.  That I love him, but I don't trust him.  And, I asked him, what can he do so I can trust him?  What would it take?  He just shook his head...didn't know how to respond.  I grew speechless.

I walked him out to the bus stop, as usual, but I stood there feeling sterile.  I love this child, but I couldn't look at him.  I can't just wipe out the feeling of huge anger and betrayal one moment and moments later be all warm 'n fuzzy.  That's what Seth would have me do.  He was able to transition, as if saying I'm sorry means we can no move on.

I called my husband at work screaming into the phone that I can't take it anymore.  We do so much for this child, and is that the issue?  Is he just so spoiled that nothing matters?  He can't respect someone else's property.

I asked Seth why he took the key, and he said he wanted to get into my office to get tape, but I don't believe him.  I said, "do I have to lock up everything I own now?  What's next?" I asked.  No response.

I don't need to start my day with this kind of needless stress. It doesn't set a good tone for the day....though I guess it can only get better (hopefully).

What kind of punishment is appropriate for this conniving key stealing act?  I don't know how to respond at this point.  I suggested my husband ask his two good friends in his office who have kids, to see if they have any suggestions.

Should I grab some garbage bags and start scooping up his toys?  He could come home to a toy-less living room..  Would he care?  Take away the Wii?  Take away tv priveledges?  No dessert for a week?  These ideas all feel temporary.  He'll move on and find something else that engages him.  For now, I took away his toy safe.

We're talking about instilling a mindset in a 7 boy, and this clearly doesn't come easy.  A mindset that is an important one, and one that he should grasp for the rest of his life.

So, what's a parent to do?

The way I feel right now...I want to run away from home.  I'm tired of being his mother.  It doesn't change my adoration for him, but I'm truly at a loss as to how to get through to him.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.   Thanks for allowing me to vent!!!

Trust by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted with my son today (Sunday).  I woke up this morning (while he was at ice skating with his father) to find out that various cables, cords, etc. had been unplugged to my computer, modems, etc. in my office.    I was livid and unable to function until Marc, my husband, came home to help put things back together.  Technical matters are not my strength.

It got me thinking.  There was a horrible story in the news last week about a son (30 year old) who brutally killed his parents and then took off on a plane to Israel.  Granted he had documented psychiatric problems,  but it led me to consider the fact that as parents, we never know what/who we are raising.

We do our best....and especially if a child is adopted....as is my son....we don't always have all the biological information we would otherwise be privvy to from our own lineage.  Not to say that adoptive children are any more troublesome than others, it's just that we are operating often more from a place of unknown.

That said, I am in a state at the moment of  distrust with Seth.  

What he did to my office was a total violation of my personal property and a complete lack of respect for my things and the time I spend at my computer (too much I recognize).  It felt like a huge slap in the face and one that I am still having trouble grappling with in my mind.

Additionally, during my senior dad's latest weekend stay with us, Seth took bills from his wallet which we discovered as he was preparing to return home.  Seth denied it, then ultimately admitted it.  It was upsetting, especially to my father, and I've told my dad that he should never leave his wallet in the room they share at bedtime.

I plan to go to the hardware store later today and purchase a padlock for my office....or will call in a locksmith if it comes to that.  I'm not thrilled feeling the need to go this length...but I DON'T TRUST my son.  And, I told him so.

In a fit of rage, while he was at skating, I took out two large garbage bags and loaded them up with some of his favorite toys in the living rooms, and took his wallet, and various other items, and tucked them away/out of sight in a closet in a garage.

I asked Seth why he did what he did, and he offered no explanation.  I also asked if he thought an apology might be in order, and he said "sorry."  He looked sad.  But, was he truly remorseful or was he sorry because I took away his toys and he wanted them back?  Can you teach regret or remorse to a child?  And, if so, how?

Was this punishment the right choice, especially for a child who has so much?  For how long will he miss the toys?  And, will it truly bother him that I said I don't trust him anymore or will he be over it tomorrow?  Does having my trust mean anything to him?  I feel like it does...or at least it should.  Other than my love, if he doesn't care about trust, then what?!

I love him, but I can't look at him right now.  I know my emotions are raw as I write this, and they will ease.

It's just that we put so much time and energy into our children, if we endeavor to be what to us feels like a good parent.  Everyone's definition and perception of that is different, and there's no right or wrong. 

But, how do you raise a child who values their property and that of others?

Is this a phase typical for a 7 year old? What was his motivation?

I may never know.

But, I would love to hear from you.  Has your child exhibited behavior that felt destructive or wrong?  And, if so how did you handle it so that they learned a lesson that would stick with them?