GUEST BLOG POST: A "Time-Out" on Time-Outs by Kimberly Clayton Blaine

As parents, we’ve all been there. When the kicking, screaming, and other tantrum-y behaviors start, the easy fix is often a threat (or an order) to go to time-out. And chances are, you picked up this habit from your own parents. But too many time-outs may be ineffective at best—young children simply don’t understand the concept—and downright harmful at worst.

That’s right. Kids subjected to repeated time-outs may develop poor emotion control because they are left alone without support and validation when they need it most.

The misuse of a time-out is not only punishing but also alienating, and may spark a long-term physiological response. In a worst-case scenario, they could internalize the emotional pain in order to cope, which can eventually turn into early childhood depression.

Empathy is truly the foundation for effective parenting, and it is also necessary in creating a stronger bond between parent and child. Time-outs are the antithesis of that.

Instead of time-outs, parents should use an alternate method that takes into account a child’s developmental limitations and that serves as guidance rather than punishment. For children over two, try using a “cool-down” or “thinking time” instead. Not only is this method gentle, it keeps the parent by the child’s side to help him learn to calm himself down and think through what happened.

(Incidentally, for babies two and under, I recommend distraction and redirection instead. At this age your baby is simply too young to understand the concept of a thinking time; instead, give him a new item of interest or move him to an exciting location.)

So, let’s assume your child is older than two and you’re ready to kick the old-school habit of time-outs to the curb. The following steps teach you how to use a cool-down or thinking time successfully:

1. Get down at your child’s level. Be sure to maintain good eye contact; give a warning and ask if what she is doing is “okay” or “not okay.”

2. If your child doesn’t calm down or stop the unacceptable behavior, then lead him to a “quiet area” or “thinking area.” Sit with him and offer assistance and love. Remember, this is not a punishment.

3. Be aware that time is not important—having your child calm down is. Disregard the “one minute times your child’s age” stance that most use as a guide. Don’t give a five-year-old “five minutes to think”; sometimes the older child needs only a minute or two to come up with a better solution. On the other hand, a younger child may need to cuddle or sit with you for ten minutes until she’s calm.

As you’re sitting there, empathize, validate, and reflect what you see. An understood child is less likely to be fraught.

4. Once your child is calm, ask him to tell you “what’s wrong” or “what’s going on.” Restate the problem again more clearly if he has difficulty.

5. Ask your child, “What will you do differently next time?” Name the expected behavior if she doesn’t know.

6. Thank your child for helping you come up with a solution. It’s important that he hears this positive reinforcement.

7. Set the expectation for the future by wrapping up with, “If you don’t listen next time, what will happen?” Inform your child that you will take actions to help and that you will not tolerate unacceptable behavior.

Responding to your child in a reasonable, calm, and patient manner is absolutely vital in building a connection. And, after all, connection is the key ingredient in helping guide our children. Punishment, on the other hand, forces a disconnection that undermines the goal of helping them someday become independent.

Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT, is the executive producer of the online parenting show www.TheGoToMom.TV and author of The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children and The Internet Mommy.

Kimberley is a national child development expert and a licensed family and child therapist specializing in working with children newborn to six years old. Kimberley is currently the social marketing director for a Los Angeles-based early childhood mental health campaign (Project ABC) funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. She has launched a national campaign to help American parents be all that they can be in order to give their children a healthy and fair start. You might have seen Kimberley review products, discuss the perils of parenting, blog, vlog, and take on mommypreneurship across the Internet.

Her webshow, TheGoToMom.TV, has captured one of the largest growing niche audiences—parents who have children birth to seven—through professionally produced yet authentic and real educational videos. Currently, Kimberley is sponsored by Vimeo and Sony and is a member of the Yahoo! Motherboard team of bloggers. Kimberley lives in Los Angeles, California, with her husband and two young boys. 

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Trust by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted with my son today (Sunday).  I woke up this morning (while he was at ice skating with his father) to find out that various cables, cords, etc. had been unplugged to my computer, modems, etc. in my office.    I was livid and unable to function until Marc, my husband, came home to help put things back together.  Technical matters are not my strength.

It got me thinking.  There was a horrible story in the news last week about a son (30 year old) who brutally killed his parents and then took off on a plane to Israel.  Granted he had documented psychiatric problems,  but it led me to consider the fact that as parents, we never know what/who we are raising.

We do our best....and especially if a child is adopted....as is my son....we don't always have all the biological information we would otherwise be privvy to from our own lineage.  Not to say that adoptive children are any more troublesome than others, it's just that we are operating often more from a place of unknown.

That said, I am in a state at the moment of  distrust with Seth.  

What he did to my office was a total violation of my personal property and a complete lack of respect for my things and the time I spend at my computer (too much I recognize).  It felt like a huge slap in the face and one that I am still having trouble grappling with in my mind.

Additionally, during my senior dad's latest weekend stay with us, Seth took bills from his wallet which we discovered as he was preparing to return home.  Seth denied it, then ultimately admitted it.  It was upsetting, especially to my father, and I've told my dad that he should never leave his wallet in the room they share at bedtime.

I plan to go to the hardware store later today and purchase a padlock for my office....or will call in a locksmith if it comes to that.  I'm not thrilled feeling the need to go this length...but I DON'T TRUST my son.  And, I told him so.

In a fit of rage, while he was at skating, I took out two large garbage bags and loaded them up with some of his favorite toys in the living rooms, and took his wallet, and various other items, and tucked them away/out of sight in a closet in a garage.

I asked Seth why he did what he did, and he offered no explanation.  I also asked if he thought an apology might be in order, and he said "sorry."  He looked sad.  But, was he truly remorseful or was he sorry because I took away his toys and he wanted them back?  Can you teach regret or remorse to a child?  And, if so, how?

Was this punishment the right choice, especially for a child who has so much?  For how long will he miss the toys?  And, will it truly bother him that I said I don't trust him anymore or will he be over it tomorrow?  Does having my trust mean anything to him?  I feel like it does...or at least it should.  Other than my love, if he doesn't care about trust, then what?!

I love him, but I can't look at him right now.  I know my emotions are raw as I write this, and they will ease.

It's just that we put so much time and energy into our children, if we endeavor to be what to us feels like a good parent.  Everyone's definition and perception of that is different, and there's no right or wrong. 

But, how do you raise a child who values their property and that of others?

Is this a phase typical for a 7 year old? What was his motivation?

I may never know.

But, I would love to hear from you.  Has your child exhibited behavior that felt destructive or wrong?  And, if so how did you handle it so that they learned a lesson that would stick with them?