My Head is Spinning by Robin Gorman Newman

If you regularly read my blog, you know about the recent, highly challenging antics of my 7 year old son.

Thought you might be interested in a follow-up.

In response to his latest behavior, which was to take the key to the recently installed deadbolt lock to my office and then return it when I threatened to take away all his toys.....we took away his beloved toy safe (where he hid the key)....and proceeded to reach out to various experts and others to weigh in.

And, what has resulted is a total lack of consensus.....and enough frustration and confusion for any parent who just wants to do the best for their child.

The school psychologist said he will speak with Seth, so we are awaiting his feedback.  Our goal with him is to see if he might be able to ascertain Seth's motivation.

A close friend of mine who is a therapist, said that she thought Seth was directly crying out that I spend too much time in my home office, yet he couldn't express it verbally.  She said, while I might not like to hear it, that I need to adjust my schedule.  Get up earlier in the morning with him and carve out time to meditate (teach him) with him.  She knows I'm not a morning person, and my response was also that I can't watch him 24-7, nor do I want to feel that I have too.  And, as far as meditation, she said she's had success with children she's done this with professionally...I didn't see this as overly viable for a busy child like Seth (maybe I'm wrong).  Not to mention the fact that if we do this in the morning, I will likely nod off.

She also suggested we create a Behavior Chart.... where we record positive behaviors we want to encourage and those we want to discourage and set up a reward system.  So, this past weekend, we sat down with Seth and did this together.  It seems to be having some sort of impact....mostly because he's waiting with baited breath for the rewards when he gets a certain no. of positive tally marks.  I wonder...should it truly take a reward to instill in him good behavior?  And, is this setting him up to expect that that's the only reason to do what is asked of him?  If we took the chart down, would he just resume his old ways?  Hmmm..........

Another friend suggested we consider seeing a family therapist.  We might actually give that a go for one session (my husband isn't overly keen on it)...at the very least....to have the opportunity to share our challenges. It would feel good for both of us to get it off our chests and not feel judged or inadequate.

I spoke to a parent trainer who sometimes consult with us who has been very helpful in the past.  Curious to She initially recommended, after the first incident, that we urge Seth to try to stop himself before he acts impulsively and to ask, "would mommy and daddy be happy if I did this?".  I sat him down and share that he should work on doing this, to no avail.  Now she is recommending that we take him to a cognitive behavioural therapist.

A good friend who is an experienced psychic, and knows Seth, shared that she thought it was important to make sure, that however challenging Seth is, to work on creating positive energy in the house and have a consciousness of our body language and facial expressions that we might not be aware of.  Seth could be picking up on these unspoken signals and reacting to them.  OK....so will try to work on that.

Another friend who works as a coach...and is a wise soul.....said that she just thought Seth thought it was cool to unplug the wires in my office.  He is a talented technical kid who loves to explore. It wasn't his intent to be bad, nor should we read into it that he was striking back at me for working from home and logging too many computer hours.  She said it could be as simple as the fact that he was curious....bored for the moment....acted impulsively...and that rather than punish him, we should try to engage him in discussion about it.

Yet another friend said that we should empty out his room entirely of toys to teach him who's boss.  That she has done this with her daughter and found it to be effective.  That it's a control issue, and you, as a parent, need to communicate who is in charge.

All I can say is that my head is spinning.

Parenting has got to be the most complex and gray task in the world.  Mentally and physically exhausting...it is far from a science....yet we work so hard to try to understand the little people in our lives, when they might not understand their own actions.

What's a mom to do?  Who to listen to?  There is no one way to parent.  Everyone means well when they come up with suggestions, and I appreciate the outpouring of love and support. 

I'd like to say TRUST YOUR GUT....but my gut is working overtime right now, and I'm worn out.

Trust - Part II by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted yet again.

If you read my blog, I recently wrote about my son Seth unplugging the cords in my office to my computer, modem, etc. and how we paid to have a locksmith come and install a deadbolt on my door.  We gave Seth a talking to, and at the suggestion of a parent trainer we consulted, we suggested he try to ask himself  "would mommy and daddy be happy if I do this?" before he act impulsively and engage in a behavior where the resounding answer is "NO" we would not be happy.

All this said, I awoke this morning to find that the office key I typically leave in a particular place in my bedroom was gone.  I immediately asked Seth if he saw it, and it said with complete resolution "No."  I told him if I find out he took the key and didn't tell me, that I'll take away every toy he has....and I poured through my drawers in search of the spare key that he doesn't know I have. 

He then proceeded to admit he took it.....locked it in his toy safe in his room.....but when he went to open the safe, he didn't know where the key was.  It was no longer in there. 

As my blood pressure rose and rose, so did my temper and voice.  I'm not one to yell at him.  I always try to speak firmly vs. loudly.  But, this time I came close to yelling, and I think he was stunned.  He wound up, as is turned out, dropping the key on the floor in his room, and he found it.

But, this doesn't excuse his behavior.  He said he was sorry and tried to cuddle up to me as he cried.  But, it doesn't make up for it.  And, then unexpectedly, I found myself crying.  And, that surprised him the most....and me.  What was this about?   I told him I don't what to do anymore.  That I love him, but I don't trust him.  And, I asked him, what can he do so I can trust him?  What would it take?  He just shook his head...didn't know how to respond.  I grew speechless.

I walked him out to the bus stop, as usual, but I stood there feeling sterile.  I love this child, but I couldn't look at him.  I can't just wipe out the feeling of huge anger and betrayal one moment and moments later be all warm 'n fuzzy.  That's what Seth would have me do.  He was able to transition, as if saying I'm sorry means we can no move on.

I called my husband at work screaming into the phone that I can't take it anymore.  We do so much for this child, and is that the issue?  Is he just so spoiled that nothing matters?  He can't respect someone else's property.

I asked Seth why he took the key, and he said he wanted to get into my office to get tape, but I don't believe him.  I said, "do I have to lock up everything I own now?  What's next?" I asked.  No response.

I don't need to start my day with this kind of needless stress. It doesn't set a good tone for the day....though I guess it can only get better (hopefully).

What kind of punishment is appropriate for this conniving key stealing act?  I don't know how to respond at this point.  I suggested my husband ask his two good friends in his office who have kids, to see if they have any suggestions.

Should I grab some garbage bags and start scooping up his toys?  He could come home to a toy-less living room..  Would he care?  Take away the Wii?  Take away tv priveledges?  No dessert for a week?  These ideas all feel temporary.  He'll move on and find something else that engages him.  For now, I took away his toy safe.

We're talking about instilling a mindset in a 7 boy, and this clearly doesn't come easy.  A mindset that is an important one, and one that he should grasp for the rest of his life.

So, what's a parent to do?

The way I feel right now...I want to run away from home.  I'm tired of being his mother.  It doesn't change my adoration for him, but I'm truly at a loss as to how to get through to him.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.   Thanks for allowing me to vent!!!

Trust by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted with my son today (Sunday).  I woke up this morning (while he was at ice skating with his father) to find out that various cables, cords, etc. had been unplugged to my computer, modems, etc. in my office.    I was livid and unable to function until Marc, my husband, came home to help put things back together.  Technical matters are not my strength.

It got me thinking.  There was a horrible story in the news last week about a son (30 year old) who brutally killed his parents and then took off on a plane to Israel.  Granted he had documented psychiatric problems,  but it led me to consider the fact that as parents, we never know what/who we are raising.

We do our best....and especially if a child is adopted....as is my son....we don't always have all the biological information we would otherwise be privvy to from our own lineage.  Not to say that adoptive children are any more troublesome than others, it's just that we are operating often more from a place of unknown.

That said, I am in a state at the moment of  distrust with Seth.  

What he did to my office was a total violation of my personal property and a complete lack of respect for my things and the time I spend at my computer (too much I recognize).  It felt like a huge slap in the face and one that I am still having trouble grappling with in my mind.

Additionally, during my senior dad's latest weekend stay with us, Seth took bills from his wallet which we discovered as he was preparing to return home.  Seth denied it, then ultimately admitted it.  It was upsetting, especially to my father, and I've told my dad that he should never leave his wallet in the room they share at bedtime.

I plan to go to the hardware store later today and purchase a padlock for my office....or will call in a locksmith if it comes to that.  I'm not thrilled feeling the need to go this length...but I DON'T TRUST my son.  And, I told him so.

In a fit of rage, while he was at skating, I took out two large garbage bags and loaded them up with some of his favorite toys in the living rooms, and took his wallet, and various other items, and tucked them away/out of sight in a closet in a garage.

I asked Seth why he did what he did, and he offered no explanation.  I also asked if he thought an apology might be in order, and he said "sorry."  He looked sad.  But, was he truly remorseful or was he sorry because I took away his toys and he wanted them back?  Can you teach regret or remorse to a child?  And, if so, how?

Was this punishment the right choice, especially for a child who has so much?  For how long will he miss the toys?  And, will it truly bother him that I said I don't trust him anymore or will he be over it tomorrow?  Does having my trust mean anything to him?  I feel like it does...or at least it should.  Other than my love, if he doesn't care about trust, then what?!

I love him, but I can't look at him right now.  I know my emotions are raw as I write this, and they will ease.

It's just that we put so much time and energy into our children, if we endeavor to be what to us feels like a good parent.  Everyone's definition and perception of that is different, and there's no right or wrong. 

But, how do you raise a child who values their property and that of others?

Is this a phase typical for a 7 year old? What was his motivation?

I may never know.

But, I would love to hear from you.  Has your child exhibited behavior that felt destructive or wrong?  And, if so how did you handle it so that they learned a lesson that would stick with them?

Discipline -- by Robin

My husband and I got in to a spat this past week re: discipline.

Seth wasn't doing good listening, and in a heated moment of weakness, Marc lost control and hit him. Not hard. But, with anger.

Both Seth and I were in shock. And, Seth cried. More, I think, because he was taken aback than from actual pain.

But, I was pained.

My husband was raised by a father (may he rest in peace), who would sometimes take a belt to him and his younger brother. Leather...not cloth.

I can't imagine being chased by a belt, not to mention being potentially hit with one.

Where does this discpline approach come from? Is it passed down from the generations? Did my father-in-law's father hit him with a belt? And, when does it stop?

As far as I'm concerned, it stops right now....in our household.

What lesson does hitting impart? Not one I choose to endorse.

I spoke with my own senior dad about it who admitted that my sister and I were sometimes spanked, though I honestly don't recall. So, I'm sure it wasn't a frequent scenario. But, still..........

What message does hitting send to a child?

Do you want your child to learn that it's ok to hit? And who? Other children? Their own children should they grow up and become a parent?

Do you want your legacy with your child to be that of a parent who couldn't control their temper and used physical force to get their point across? What will your child remember more? Your point or your blow?

I have moments when Seth pushes my buttons and I have to walk away and take a deep breath. But, I endeavor as much as possible not to yell at him and I would certainly never take a hand or belt or any other body part or blunt object to him. And, particularly as he matures and gains strength, I wouldn't want him to do it to me. Striking is not an option in our home.

While he apologized to Seth, and Seth to him, I shared with Marc that I never want to witness a repeat episode.

I recognize that discipline isn't the easiest and sometimes we don't know what to do, but almost anything is better than laying a hand on your child.


PS - Thanks to Hasbro for the cool Nerf 'N Sports Weather Blitz Flyer...a disc designed for maximum performance. And, the Nerf 'N Sports Curve Pitch Baseball Set that lets you throw trick pitches. My son, 7, plays on a baseball league, and is loving it. And, we play with the frisbee as he waits for the school bus in the morning, and it's a lot more durable and easier to throw than others we have. Visit Nerf.

Child Psychology

Saturday night was a challenge in our house.

We had dinner plans with two close (single) girlfriends who adore Seth. Before we all went out to a local family friendly restaurant, they played with Seth in our front yard with his baseball set. He is a little slugger-in-the-making, and all were having a fun time.

Until....for some reason, as Seth walked toward our front stoop, he decided to give our whimsical flying pig a whack. (Those who know me, know that I collect pigs, and Seth is aware that the pigs mean something in our household. Plus, he enjoys them too.) I heard a crack, and the spike supporting the pig broke in half.

What was so upsetting about the situation was his total lack of regard. I know he didn't intend to break the pig stand, but it was a totally unnecessary move on his part. We have said to Seth in the past "don't hit the pig." And, to make matters worse, it happened in front of our friends. Everyone witnessed his blatant carelessness, and the mood quickly went from playful to serious.

This of course led to a heated discussion between Marc and I re: how to best teach Seth a lesson. Clearly, it was evident that Seth is not aware of the ramifications of his behavior. At age 5, he is not thinking that if I hit the pig, it could break. He just followed an impulse, as most kids his age would. So, it's our job to communicate this message to him.

I immediately told Seth he would be punished for his behavior. That saying I'm sorry is not enough. Not everything can be fixed.

Now I had to think quick on my feet and decide what the punishment would be. I marched into the living room and started speedily scooping up toy after toy and putting them into a large garbage bag. I told Seth he would be without his prized toys for some time, including his Spy Kit, Game Boy, multitude of trucks, etc. There would be no television the next day, and no dessert for a week, including no ice cream when Mister Softee comes ringing his bell at the park or in the neighborhood.

Seth is so tough and smart. He turned to me and said "I love you mommy. I'm glad you're taking my toys away because I don't like them anyway," and he proceeded to help pack them up. And, "I'm glad I can't have dessert because it's sugar and not healthy."

I was somewhat stunned. I said to Marc....are we not being tough enough with Seth? Or is he just using reserve child psychology on us and trying to get us to believe that our punishment is not affecting him? That he's not upset by it. So then, what's a mom to do? Do we punish him more, or just let time take its course this week and know that as the days go on he will miss his toys and ice cream? That is our hope. It remains to be seen.

Perhaps someone should create a Discipline Chart?! It would make suggestions to parents as to modes of discipline they might consider for their child. I realize that all kids are different, and what is upsetting to one isn't necessarily to another. But, it's not so easy to pull a punishment plan out of your pocket at the very moment an unexpected incident occurs. Amazing how wise we are asked to be as a parent, when you are raising a wise child!!

Have you had an experience like this with your child? How did you handle it?