GUEST BLOG POST: 10 Things My Kids Tell Me with Their Hearts by Leta Hamilton

In our family, bedtime is a special time of day when I can focus on my kids without the distractions of media and TV. It gives me a chance to listen with my whole self and not the divided self that juggles work, dinner, dishes and demands from three children, who have their own perspectives on the world.

It is during the bedtime routine that they talk to me with their hearts. They know I am there for them and won’t run off to answer an “important” email (like anything could be more important than my kids, the cultivating of their souls and the joy they bring to the earth). If I were a seamstress, I would make bed sheets of the top ten things they have told me with their hearts during the hour we spend before bedtime brushing teeth, reading stories and just talking. My sheets would read:

• Take time to play with me and learn from the point-of-view of a child whose world is full of curiosity, discovery and diligent determination to understand new surroundings.

• You are only as grown-up as your last birthday – life is a continuing journey, and we shouldn’t be disappointed with ourselves for not knowing then what we know now or what we are just learning.

• If the day seems to be going completely crazy, then a good option is to just sit down and read a book or take a nap.

• Nothing is more important than love – the love you give, the love you receive and the love you grow through kind words and genuine deeds.

• The more tips you give me about life the better. I am learning from your example, so talk to me often about what it all means and there is less chance I’ll be totally confused.

• Your words make a difference. Am I “naughty” or is the thing I just did an uncooperative choice for the good of all? Please refrain from giving the message that I am “bad” in and of myself.

• I love you. I love spending time with you. I love making things with you. I love sharing my life with you. Can we spend a portion of each day just telling each other how much we love and appreciate the other?

• I make mistakes sometimes and so do you. Let’s learn the art of forgiveness together.

• What you did yesterday is a distant memory. What I did is too. The time is now. The time is always now.

• If you can learn from me as much as I learn from you, then we both will be enlightened during this journey toward my adulthood. It’s a learning curve for both of us. I have lots to teach you. Are you ready to be a student?

If I had these 10 things printed on my kids’ sheets and was forced to read at least one of them every night while tucking them in, I would be a much less neurotic mother. They are telling me all the time through their antics that life is about more than how successful I am as a radio show producer or writer. It is their wisdom from the heart that reminds me that I am the sum of my inner most beliefs about myself and they give me the courage to continually search within to remove the obstacles that are keeping me from being at least mostly at peace.

What I “do” is not nearly as influential as who I “am” in the world. With kids to keep me on my toes, I can strive to always be the highest version of myself: that person I want to be. In this way, I know I am a better mother and they reward me with their words of affirmation and cuddles. If not all of the time, then enough of the time to let me know I am on the right track. Their hearts speak volumes, and I am learning to listen.

Leta Hamilton is mom to 3 boys with another on the way (possibly a girl this time?) and host of the parenting radio show "The Way of the Toddler Hour." She teaches simple techniques for practicing inner peace in the midst of poopy diapers and piles of laundry to moms groups across the Seattle area. Her book The Way of the Toddler is an honest look at the craziness of modern motherhood and the spiritual lessons we learn from kids. More information about Leta, her radio show and upcoming guests can be found at www.letahamilton.com.

Secret Parenting Thoughts by Robin Gorman Newman

This past weekend, Seth and I had tickets to see GAZILLION BUBBLE SHOW in NYC for the second time (you can read my show review later today....we loved it!).  

We were supposed to go with another mom and her son, but the night before they cancelled (I had an instinctual feeling things might not work out with them).  He had a stomach bug.  She hoped that we'd quickly be able to find others to join us.  Marc was working (tax season), so this was to be a mommy and me outing.

My effort to reach out to other families wasn't productive.  Too short notice.  This happened when I was at the gym finishing my workout.  My trainer, who I am friendly with, overheard the phone conversations, and much to my surprise, said she'd like to go.

She is divorced, living happily with her long term boyfriend (who she left her husband for), and raised two daughters who are now both in their 20s.  One is married; the other divorced.  This friend is a few years older than me and takes a strong "been there, done that" attitude when it comes to parenting at this stage of the game.  She has said more than once, when I've shared challenges re: Seth, that she forewarned me when we made the decision to become parents that it wasn't going to be easy.  And, she in fact, thought I was kinda "nutz" to embark on motherhood at age 42.  She was glad not to be in my new parenting shoes.

She was a young mother when her kids were young, and she left a teaching career that she had barely established, so didn't much miss.  She speaks often about being a "hot young mama" who chauffered her kids around, in between gym workouts -- a top priority in her life.  (No wonder at age 50+, her body is hard as a rock.)  She has also often discussed how, in her opinion, kids suck the life out of you and even into adulthood, they can still be challenging, and not necessarily grateful for what you have done and continue to do for them. 

None of this is the most pleasant to hear, but I've gotten used to it.  I recognize it as "her story," and hope that mine and Seth's will play out differently as the years go by.

When I bring Seth to the gym (granted he's young to be in a weight-lifting facility), she is never thrilled when he whips out mats to play and moves free weights around, though ultimately I make sure he puts everything back in place.  He acts safely and respects the equipment and knows his limits, or I certainly wouldn't take him.  But, she has often said that she doesn't know how I do it?  That he's "go, go, go", asks a million questions...and gives her a headache when he bounces the large rubber stomach crunch ball too many times.

So, when the show tickets became available, and she invited herself along, I was taken aback.  She had to know that meant spending the afternoon with Seth (and of course me too).  She assured us she wanted to come.

When I saw her at the gym two days later for my Monday session, she couldn't wait to talk about the fun we had and admitted that Seth demonstrated good behavior, and she didn't expect it.  He didn't demand that I buy him a souvenir.  He didn't have any kind of meltdown.  He sat in his seat, both on the train and in the theatre, and enjoyed both experiences.  When Marc (my husband) picked us up after the show and we had all planned to eat out in the city (things changed because we couldn't get a parking spot...way too much snow), she noted how Seth just rolled with the punches.

I told her with pride that "Seth is good company."  Sure, he's 7 and has his moments like any child,  but he's a nice, smart, compassionate, social kid (if I don't say so myself.).  She then said almost giddily that anytime Marc and I need a break or have plans, we are welcome to leave Seth with her and her boyfriend (who we know and like).

Not that we're rushing to do this.  We have our reliable babysitters (who we pay).  But, it was interesting to see her newfound enthusiasm toward Seth. She saw that even at a later parenting stage, kids, while work, can bring joy. And, despite the fact that she never raised a boy and was thrilled to have had girls, boys can be amusing in a different way. 

So, just as Laura (one of the motherhoodlater.com bloggers) wrote on Tuesday about the judgement that as parents we sometimes have for others parents, this experience taught me that it's also easy to judge other kids.  If they are different than ours, whether by sex, interest, temperament.....etc.....we might sit back and secretly be grateful that we're not parenting them (if they seem difficult).  Or perhaps even the opposite is true.  Maybe they seem more agreeable or fun than our own child, and you wish yours was more like them.

The point is that we're all individuals in this world.  We march to our own drum.  And, there are countless beats we might follow.  No one has a crystal ball to predict how their kids will turn out as adults.  But, if we lay positive groundwork now, including surrounding them with people who embrace them, they'll be all the better for it.  And, we can only hope that people, like my personal trainer friend, will not reach negative conclusions prematurely about our kids.  It's ultimately a loss for everyone.

GUEST BLOG POST - Inviting Your Child's Anger In by Fran Walfish, Psy.D.

It’s happened to all of us. Your child melts down in a huge fit of anger and you don’t know what to do. If it happens in public, on top of your frustration you feel embarrassed and humiliated. You could instinctively lash back in anger, collapse into tears, or temporarily abandon your child by walking away for a few moments. What few parents know how to do is turn the anger into a positive. But, I have good news. I can help.

Over the years, I have seen many angry children in my office and have come up with a simple strategy that works. I call it 3-D Parenting. 3-D Parenting has three components: Discard the Defensive, Demonstrate Empathy with Words, and Directive Discipline with Boundaries. The main objective is for parents to become comfortable tolerating their child’s expression of direct anger.

Many parents find it hard to bear their kids powerful fury. But, staying connected during trying times creates stronger parent-child pathways and also requires tolerance. By employing these three key strategies, you will help your son or daughter stay open with you when they are filled with rage. 3-D Parenting also promotes respectful, friendly, courteous behavior in parents as examples, and in their children of any age. What more could you ask for?

So what are these three key strategies? I can best explain by telling you about a mom and her son that I treat in my office. At eight, Bobby is the oldest of three children. He is a very nice boy who continually sets his own emotional needs behind the needs of others. Also, as the oldest, his mother has higher expectations of him. Additionally, Bobby has a younger sibling with special needs and the youngest in this family just turned two.

When I first met Bobby I encountered a well-mannered, shy boy who found it hard to tell his mom anything critical, or to complain. He was angry because he felt he did not get enough of his mom’s attention; she was consumed with caring for the child with special needs and running after a toddler. While Bobby was not the type to have a meltdown, inside he really was one angry little boy who was on the brink of a huge explosion.

The good news is that Bobby’s mom, Gail, was pliable and open to coaching. Not all parents are. But Gail very much wanted to do the right thing and already felt her own guilt about not giving Bobby the same level of attention that she gave her other children. One of the first things Bobby said to Gail when we all sat down together was “I want some special time with you.”

I found it quite interesting that Gail’s initial response was to say, “But don’t you remember? We did that on Thursday.” Her response was an attempt to qualify in her mind and in Bobby’s eyes that she was a good mom, and it touches on the basic foundation for any parent: you must be self-aware. Being self-aware is a basic premise for parenting and I discuss this in depth in my book, The Self-Aware Parent (Palgrave).

The importance of self-awareness is this: If you are not aware of your internal thoughts and feelings as a parent, or of the specific buttons that trigger angry responses in you, any parenting model you try will backfire. So rather than thinking ahead and talking themself through angry times with the best interests of their child at the forefront of their mind, the unaware parent jumps to reactions imprinted into them by early life relationships with their own parents. This could include angry words in response to a child who screams, or tears of frustration when your child has a temper tantrum.

Gail was not yet a self-aware parent and her desire for validation showed this. Gail did not realize that Bobby was angry because he did not receive one-on-one attention every day. When I confronted her on this, Gail did not collapse into an emotional heap or abandon Bobby in a time out, but she did become defensive. Interestingly enough, discarding the defensive is the first of the three key steps in 3-D Parenting.

Discarding your defensive feelings and behavior creates an open environment from which you will parent. Most parents want to be liked (as well as loved) by their child, but as a parent, you should understand that your child will sometimes be angry at you––especially when you ask him to stop a behavior or do something he would rather not do. Claiming himself as a separate being with individual wants is a necessary part of your child’s development, and as you know, children sometimes do this with anger.

For many parents, acting without being defensive is a new way of functioning; it is a very different framework of belief. But it is important, because your child needs to feel accepted and embraced at all times, including when they feel and express their anger.

My first goal for you as a parent is for you to honestly examine how you act when your child is angry, and see if you have tendencies toward defensive behavior. Most of us do, myself included, and it is important to let that go. Steps two and three will give you better options to replace your defensiveness with.

Step two, demonstrating empathy with words, simply means narrating your child’s angry feelings back to them. It is a reflective listening and talking skill that allows you to explore your child’s anger with your eyes and ears, and then say it back with empathy.

For example, in the midst of a tantrum many parents refuse to accept their child’s opposition, and ignore it by turning away until the child is ready to behave. As a result, your child may think his or her feelings are not valid. Instead, acknowledge that you understand your child is upset by narrating verbally what your child is feeling. So rather than becoming defensive, you say with warmth, “I see you are angry with me, and I’m the kind of mom who really wants to hear about it right to my face. Tell me about why you are mad at me.”

I cannot stress how important the empathy part of this step is. For instance, with a young child you might say, “Mommy sees you are angry that you can’t have more play time with your red truck. You want more play time, but now it’s time for your bath and you got mad at Mommy. It’s hard to stop when you want more.” Being a container for your child’s anger will help him view you as a person he can confide in. It also establishes your place as a stable figure, one who will not attack, run, judge, blame, or collapse when the going gets rough. This is very important to convey to your child as he grows and faces larger issues.

Another key aspect here is that no resolution is required. All that is needed is that you hear your child. That in itself is reparative. All your son or daughter wants is to be understood and validated.

The final step is directive discipline with boundaries. Talking through a situation, as we did in step two, allows your child to feel heard. However, once he understands that you acknowledge and accept his displeasure, you must set the boundary and follow-through by taking action and directing your child toward his responsibility––and your command.

In this case, simply walk him into the bathroom and help him into the tub. It is not necessary to indulge him with other toys to compensate for his struggle in leaving the red truck behind. If your very young child becomes totally out of control, you can sit on the floor Indian style, with your child sitting down and wrapped in your arms in front of you, facing away, until the tantrum is over.

In my practice I work with many sophisticated parents just like you. But, what is most lacking is the lasting ingredient of motoring your child through his or her responsibility. You can talk all day long, but if you do not take the step of making sure that your child completes his responsibility, then you might as well talk to a brick wall.

Without directive discipline your angry child is likely to ignore you. He will think of you as a nice, but limp and ineffectual mom or dad. Instead, once you set a boundary, enforce it. Optimal parents also take a deep breath and think before speaking, so the boundary they set is appropriate and significant, but short in duration to motivate your child to keep trying.

It takes some practice, but you can learn to direct your child’s anger with clarity, kindness, empathy, and firmness. “I know how hard it is to leave your video to go take a bath so I’m going to help you. Here we go.”

In putting it all together it is good to remember a few things:

1. Your child is always allowed to be angry.

2. Be empathetic toward your child at how hard this moment is for him or her, for the angry feelings that are expressed are very real.

3. Follow through with praise for successfully completing this “hard-to-do” task.

It is possible that in praising your child, she might come back with something to the effect of “You made me.” Your response could then be, “Well, I helped you. And one day soon you’ll be able to do this all on your own.” These words give your child supportive confidence to work through her anger by herself.

Remember Bobby and Gail? I taught Gail these ideas to help them through their mild crisis. Specifically, I suggested that:

1. Gail encourage Bobby to complain to her directly. She needs to be self-aware enough to know that Bobby’s angry complaints are not attacks on her. Instead, they are situational and he needs to vent. “I know how frustrated you feel when you don’t understand your homework assignment. Why don’t you try your best and after snack time we’ll look at it together.”

2. Bobby should be able to go to his mom anytime and say he needs individual time with her. Gail then should follow up on that need, if not right then, at a designated and specified time that same day. “Mommy is busy making dinner right now, but after dinner you and I can walk around the block, hold hands, and be together while Daddy watches your brother and sister.”

3. Gail and Bobby should have a standing once a week date to go roller skating (an activity Bobby loves). Nothing should get in the way of this weekly activity and this should be alone time with just Gail and Bobby, and without his siblings.

4. Gail should ask Bobby at least once daily: “How are things for you?” Because Bobby accommodates and does not want to burden his mom, he does not share his angry feelings easily. He needs to be encouraged.

5. Bobby cannot pummel his brother or sister as a way to vent his anger. If he does, play time is automatically over for Bobby for the next three hours. It is important to structure discipline as stinging, but short lived. That way your child will be motivated to try again to achieve.

Few of us were reared with parents who said, “Come on, give it to me. I want to hear what you’re really feeling,” but that is a lot of what today’s parenting should be about. Add empathetic narration and boundaries with follow-through, and most of your work is done.

I realize it is a lot to remember. But the more you practice it, the sooner acknowledging your child’s anger will become second nature to you; and the faster your family will become happy, connected, and strong. My empathetic narration to you is, “I know you can do it.”

Dr. Fran Walfish is the top leading child and family psychotherapist and author in Beverly Hills, California. In addition to her thriving private practice, Dr. Walfish was on clinical staff in the Department of Child Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for 15 years. She was a school psychologist and recently completed her 4 year term as Chair of the Board of The Early Childhood Parenting Center founded at Cedars-Sinai, Los Angeles.

Dr. Walfish is a regular expert contributor to Parents magazine, Parents.com, NBC Nightly News with Brian Wiliams, The Dr. Phil Show, Parenting magazine, Parenting.com,  Family Circle magazine, Woman's Day magazine, etc.  Visit her website http://www.drfranwalfish.com/.  Dr. Fran's current book, The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building A Better Bond with Your Child, is represented by William Morris Endeavor Entertainment and published by Palgrave Macmillan. William Morris Endeavor and Lake Paradise Entertainment are collaborating with Dr. Walfish to produce a television series offering her therapeutic guidance and help to families in America.

GUEST BLOG POST: Being a Friend to your Daughter Could be Toxic by Susan Shapiro Barash

While writing my book on the trials and tribulations of female friendship, which came out last fall, several women spoke about the importance of setting an example for their daughters when it came to female bonds. For instance, if you, as the mother, are a jealous friend, a misery-lover, or a user, then you are teaching your daughter what not to do. If you are a sharer, a mirroring friend, or the authentic friend, then there is solace and safety in your friendships and your daughter does well to consider you as her model. Either way, few of us can deny that female friendships are complicated for women of all ages. If mothers and daughters alike, strive to have healthy friends among their peers, consider another scenario altogether. That would be how dicey it becomes when mothers prefer to be friends with their daughters rather than to ‘mother’ them.

Not that we haven’t heard of this before, but a lack of hierarchy between mother and daughter, replaced instead by mothers as ‘best friends forever,’ is a growing trend. Beyond that, there are mothers who consider this a successful way to go – in fact, a survey by Kelton research shows that 71% of women between the ages of 21 and 54 counted their mothers among their best friends. And while this might seem suitable for the mothers and daughters who subscribe to this concept, a pecking order between mother and daughter is actually a wiser and better balanced method of ‘mothering’ than being enmeshed with our daughters.

Still, mothers who choose this ‘BFF’ route, justify their actions. One mother, 35, with six year old twin girls, is an advocate. She told me that her daughters were her best friends and that she never wanted the mother/daughter relationship she’d had with her own mother. “My mother was in charge. She had all this power and basically I did what she wanted. I vowed that one day I’d be a better mother if I had daughters. I’d be easier, lighter… I’d do things with them.”

Ironically in our culture, as our daughters need to feel safe now more than ever before, mothers consider the friendship role as an option, and to this end, blurs the boundaries and confuses the relationship. Because if you are busy being your daughter’s friend, you certainly aren’t protecting her, whether she is ten, twenty or thirty. It takes guts to stand one’s ground on this topic, it takes courage to be a mother, i.e.: harsher, stricter, and tougher. As a mother, 48, with a 17 year old daughter, explained her decision to be a ‘drill sergeant’ at times, it was “horrible but worth it.” “My daughter can’t stand when I lay down the law or when I tell her what she has to do. She says the other mothers are nicer and act like friends to their daughters. They probably are nicer. But in the end, I think she respects me more for what I’ve done. Secretly, I would have preferred to be her pal, why not – it’s more fun. But I knew I had to be in charge, for her sake and mine.”

Another advantage of mothers and daughters having a hierarchal relationship is that it also allows the mother and daughter to have age appropriate friendships with their peers.

Sure, there are times when it’s enticing to be with your daughter the way you would be with a friend. Say you’re a single mother and you have no plans on Saturday night and your daughter, 20, is home for the weekend from college and will spend until about ten o’clock with you, before her night really begins and she goes out. It’s tempting to fill your loneliness with her company but deep down, you know it isn’t in either of your best interests. If you can anticipate this scenario and can be honest with yourself, you’ll avoid it. Instead, you’ll call one of your friends and make a plan, just as your daughter has done, and in this way you won’t jeopardize the mother/daughter bond or allow your daughter to feel guilty. The truth is, someone has to be the adult, and because you’re the mother, it’s you. That means that you respect your daughter’s independence and she respects yours, and you have lives of your own, each with the friends you choose.

Susan Shapiro Barash is an established author of nonfiction women’s issue books and has published eleven to date. Her latest is YOU’RE GROUNDED FOREVER… BUT FIRST, LET’S GO SHOPPING: THE CHALLENGES MOTHERS FACE WITH THEIR DAUGHTERS AND TEN TIMELY SOLUTIONS. She teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College in New York and is a well recognized gender expert. She is frequently sought out by the media for her input on women’s issues and blogs regularly for The Huffington Post and Psychology Today. For more information about Susan, visit  http://www.susanshapirobarash.com/.

Trust by Robin Gorman Newman

I am disgusted with my son today (Sunday).  I woke up this morning (while he was at ice skating with his father) to find out that various cables, cords, etc. had been unplugged to my computer, modems, etc. in my office.    I was livid and unable to function until Marc, my husband, came home to help put things back together.  Technical matters are not my strength.

It got me thinking.  There was a horrible story in the news last week about a son (30 year old) who brutally killed his parents and then took off on a plane to Israel.  Granted he had documented psychiatric problems,  but it led me to consider the fact that as parents, we never know what/who we are raising.

We do our best....and especially if a child is adopted....as is my son....we don't always have all the biological information we would otherwise be privvy to from our own lineage.  Not to say that adoptive children are any more troublesome than others, it's just that we are operating often more from a place of unknown.

That said, I am in a state at the moment of  distrust with Seth.  

What he did to my office was a total violation of my personal property and a complete lack of respect for my things and the time I spend at my computer (too much I recognize).  It felt like a huge slap in the face and one that I am still having trouble grappling with in my mind.

Additionally, during my senior dad's latest weekend stay with us, Seth took bills from his wallet which we discovered as he was preparing to return home.  Seth denied it, then ultimately admitted it.  It was upsetting, especially to my father, and I've told my dad that he should never leave his wallet in the room they share at bedtime.

I plan to go to the hardware store later today and purchase a padlock for my office....or will call in a locksmith if it comes to that.  I'm not thrilled feeling the need to go this length...but I DON'T TRUST my son.  And, I told him so.

In a fit of rage, while he was at skating, I took out two large garbage bags and loaded them up with some of his favorite toys in the living rooms, and took his wallet, and various other items, and tucked them away/out of sight in a closet in a garage.

I asked Seth why he did what he did, and he offered no explanation.  I also asked if he thought an apology might be in order, and he said "sorry."  He looked sad.  But, was he truly remorseful or was he sorry because I took away his toys and he wanted them back?  Can you teach regret or remorse to a child?  And, if so, how?

Was this punishment the right choice, especially for a child who has so much?  For how long will he miss the toys?  And, will it truly bother him that I said I don't trust him anymore or will he be over it tomorrow?  Does having my trust mean anything to him?  I feel like it does...or at least it should.  Other than my love, if he doesn't care about trust, then what?!

I love him, but I can't look at him right now.  I know my emotions are raw as I write this, and they will ease.

It's just that we put so much time and energy into our children, if we endeavor to be what to us feels like a good parent.  Everyone's definition and perception of that is different, and there's no right or wrong. 

But, how do you raise a child who values their property and that of others?

Is this a phase typical for a 7 year old? What was his motivation?

I may never know.

But, I would love to hear from you.  Has your child exhibited behavior that felt destructive or wrong?  And, if so how did you handle it so that they learned a lesson that would stick with them?

GUEST BLOG POST: For Whom the "Horrormones" Toll - by Lena Carpelan

An inveterate and vocal non mother, I embarked upon unchartered waters, eating a healthy portion of crow as well as folic acid, the year I found my first gray hair.

I had been proud to be different. When other little girls played with dolls and said they wanted to grow up to be mommies, I took my father’s wood carving knife, cut a hole in the rubber forehead of my doll, and said I wanted to be a surgeon.

My medical career aspirations were rapidly shelved when it dawned on me that real people spurt blood. But though not doctor material, neither did I morph into a mommy wannabee.

Who needed demanding and ubiquitous offspring; little bundles of raw, untamed DNA with all the faults and demerits that their parents had worked hard to conquer in themselves?

During my roaring twenties, life was full. Carl, my husband, and I had satisfying careers. My house flowed in hues of peach and cream. I was self confident and indefatigable. Around me, contemporaries struggled with potty training and temper tantrums as I smiled, condescending and marveling at their ineptitude. How could these capable professionals find raising their rambunctious progeny such a challenge?

But when I turned thirty, biology tauntingly struck. Perhaps it was my punishment for having recently asked Bob and Anne, parents of three elementary-aged children, if Carl and I could have a party at their house. We wanted to invite several couples for supper whom we liked very much, but who had the unfortunate flaw of having produced several smelly children. “Your house is already destroyed,” I had pleaded, sure they would understand, “so you wouldn’t mind having children over, would you?”

Like uninvited guests, empty uterus and empty life syndrome burst into my life without knocking.

Horrormones delivered a maelstrom of longing. I found myself noticing pregnant women, wondering what they were thinking, feeling. My insouciant attitude was no more as a dumbstruck Carl and I discussed my sudden insanity.

Gradually, it dawned on us that life might be full, but it was full of us, and “us” was boring and selfish. Would we slowly grow old, lonely, looking more and more like the dog, incapable of speaking of nothing more interesting but that the deli had been out of Carl’s favorite pastrami this week?

In time, biology won--parenthood came--and with it the rich tapestry of delight, despair, humility, joy, exasperation, surprises, laughter, and love. Its experiences cannot be purchased or imagined—they are the property of parents alone. It is the most thrilling adventure, albeit a messy one, known to man.

Several years ago, Bob called us.

“Anne and I have a favor to ask,” he said slyly. “Now that the children have moved out, we’ve purchased new living room furniture, but we’d like to have a party for several families with young children. Could we have it at your house? After all, it’s already destroyed.”

I heard him roaring with laughter as he hung up.


Lena Carpelan is the author of The Adventures of the Blackberry Hill Kids (http://www.blackberryhillkids.com/), a humorous “insider look” at a Swedish-American family with three lively rapscallions who cheerfully romp through life as their valiant, rapidly aging parents try to keep order in the midst of chaos. Visit her lighthearted, sometimes poignant blog http://www.blog.blackberryhillkids.com/.

Getting Perspective by Liimu

First, let me just apologize in advance for today’s blog. It may be a bit of a downer. Oh, and while I’m apologizing, let me also apologize for neglect to post a blog last week. I’ve been sort of caught up in my own stuff lately – my 6-year old has to go back to Children’s Hospital for more tests tomorrow, swim lessons and swim team are starting up and finally my business is picking up (thank God).

The thing is, I have a tendency sometimes to get so caught up in what’s happening in my life, and honestly it is often quite intense. Having to take my daughter to get MRI scans of her spine, facing down tons of creditors and trying to carve our way back to financial solvency, etc., etc. These are things that have been going on with me that outsiders often are very sympathetic about. Well, of course you are stressed. Who wouldn’t be? We’ll pray for you. That type of thing.

Well, this morning it was all put in its proper perspective. Call it a Higher Power, Source, God, the Universe, whatever you want. It definitely has the bigger picture and isn’t afraid to shine a light on that when necessary.This morning, I was running with a friend, getting in my obligatory 4 miles before beginning my day. I was complaining about how worried I am about the testing, about having gotten little sleep because said 6-year old couldn’t find her favorite penguin at 4 am, on and on. My whole perspective changed in an instant when my friend mentioned that someone we both know, someone I have known for over ten years, someone who has been like a brother to me, killed himself this past week.

I met my friend in AA when I first moved to Philadelphia, and we became friends right away. He even asked me out on a date and one point and after a super fun (but not at all sexy) night of dancing, we decided to remain friends and were extremely supportive of each other over the years. The first time he stopped coming to meetings, I asked around and found out that he was suffering from depression and though he hadn’t taken a drink, he’d had a hard time of it for nearly six months. I called him to see how he was doing and was so glad when he started coming back to our meeting. When he got married to a beautiful woman in AA, we were all happy for him. Truth is, life is hard and my friend’s life was harder than most. He struggled to be a good husband, a good dad, a good employee, to do all those things according to the principles of recovery, even when every cell in his body probably screamed out to go berserk, throw a tantrum, succumb to a fit of rage. As far as I know he never did. As far as I know, he lived his life with grace and without a drink or a drug all the way to the end.

He will be dearly missed.

Between tearful breakdowns, I actually talked to two other people who were dealing with the horrors of active addiction. Okay, Universe, I get it. I GET IT. And yes, no matter what happens in my life, I am sober, and I am sane and because of that, I can overcome any obstacle. And for that and for all the blessings of my life, not the least of which being my beautiful children who I am SO grateful to be accountable to and present for, I am truly, truly grateful.